


Grunt

by charliethesnail



Series: Jane Shepard's War Memoires [1]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Military Training, Prequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-28 23:52:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 19
Words: 204,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17797154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charliethesnail/pseuds/charliethesnail
Summary: Not a fanfic about our favourite baby krogan, but rather an AU prequel of the original trilogy. Close after her family's death, sixteen year old Jane Shepard and her best friend Ashley Williams go to basic training at Del Sol Academy in Brazil, where they uncover a conspiracy high to bring down the Alliance Military. Now it's up to them and their new friend Kaidan Alenko to save the galaxy.  Along the way, they will wonder: what is the deal with David Anderson, their rude and abrasive instructor?





	1. Prologue: Strange findings on solar system edge may be related to Prothean archives

 

Beijing: 12 May 2050

The strange findings found last December at the edge of the solar system may be related to the data in the Prothean archives, say top scientist Han Chen.  “We believe that there is information within the Prothean data beacons that we found on Mars that can explain to us exactly how to use these devices,” Chen told a packed room at yesterday’s press conference.  “Furthermore, we think that these devices can very well be used to solve the ‘faster than light’ problems we are having with deep-space travel.”

The device, which is several hundred miles long and tall with a hole in the middle with two rotating rings, was discovered on 10 December 2049 by Chinese exploration probe Hong Kong.  Several countries, including Russia, the United Kingdom, Canada, Australia and the United States of America have requested examination of this device, but so far China has refused to grant access.

Similarly, China has been very tight-fisted about access to the Prothean data beacons, which were discovered on Mars in August 2031, by a Chinese rover.  Whilst not completely decoded, the beacons have already allowed humanity to make several upgrades to their space transport, including the installation of drive-cores which enables space transport to travel at the speed of light for a limited amount of time.  They have also given us a glimpse of a people that may have lived on Earth before us.

“The Protheans were a fascinating people,” says archaeologist Dr Jonus Grissom, one of the scientists allowed access to the Prothean archives.  “They lived in our solar system approximately fifty thousand years ago, and appeared to have been a very advanced race.  They were capable of deep-space travel, and seem to have resided on several different planets throughout the galaxy.”

But what happened to the Protheans?  No one seems to know.  “All we know is that they appear to have disappeared approximately fifty thousand years ago,” Dr Grissom says.  “It’s unclear exactly what happened to them.  They may have fought a war among each other, or contracted a disease that led to their extinction.”

Whatever the case, the Prothean data beacons have gone a long way in advancing humanity.  Whilst it may be several years before scientists discover the purpose of the device in space, one thing all scientists agree on: it’ll move humanity even further along unlocking the mysteries of deep space.


	2. Chapter one: April to July 2177: Joining up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane, her twin sister Jean and Ash apply to go to the Alliance Marine Corps training facility

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and welcome to this fic. I originally posted it on fanfiction.net, but decided to move it over here as well. Just a warning, I guess: this is set in the Mass Effect universe, but I do tweak a lot of the canon (which is why I marked it as an alternate universe). Also, my chapters tend to be damn long, so only read if you have snacks, a hot drink and time. Furthermore (I feel like I'm writing an essay), I cannot figure the chapters thing out. The previous chapter is actually the prologue, this is chapter one, etc. I'm going to keep tweaking, but if I apologise if it doesn't work out. Finally, enjoy!

I was pretty sure that Admiral Brawne was a robot.  There was no way that a man who had been in the army for twenty six years could have such smooth skin or such an even hair-line.

“You’re Jane Shepard?” Admiral Hackett asked, leaning forward.  The vids and the photos had been somewhat kind.  They showed a man that, despite being middle-aged, was still lean and fit.  In actual fact he was quite short and had a bit of a paunch.

“Yes sir,” I said nervously, drying my hands on my jeans.

“When was your sixteenth birthday, girl?” Admiral Greyling asked.  He was still a young man and represented the most what the ideal soldier was: tall, rugged and rough.

“Last month, sir,” I said.  “March twelfth.”

“Many congratulations,” Admiral Brawne said.  Even his voice sounded robotic.

“Thank you, sir,” I said.

Admiral Hackett turned on his data pad.  “I have Dr Di Angelo’s report here,” he said.  Jeez, how fast did the doctor type?  I’d been in his office half an hour ago.  “Interesting.”

“What does it say?” Admiral Brawne asked.

“See for yourself,” Admiral Hackett said, handing him the data pad.

“Yes,” Admiral Brawne said, after a pause.  “Very interesting.”  I suppressed the urge to throw something at them.

“So, Jane,” Admiral Greyling said.  “Your parents are both in the military.”

“Yes sir,” I said.  “My father is a lieutenant for the marines.”

“Oh?” Admiral Greyling asked with minor disinterest.  “I don’t know the name Shepard.  What designation is he?”

“N3,” I said.  “You wouldn’t know him.”  Admiral Greyling was an N7 and would probably not mix with people so low down the ranks.  “My mother is the flight lieutenant on the Hugo Grayson.  My father serves on that ship.  That’s where I was born.”

“So you’re a spacer are you?” Admiral Greyling asked.  Spacer was the colloquial term used for children who had grown up on space ships.  I nodded.

“Any other family in the military?” Admiral Hackett asked.

“My older brother, John,” I said.  “He’s a private in the navy, only graduated from Grissom Academy last month.  He gets shipped out in about a month’s time.  And my aunt, Jennifer Shepard, is also a marine.  She serves on the SSV Florence.”

“Tell me, Jane,” Admiral Hackett said, smiling down at me in a fatherly sort of fashion.  “You grew up on a military ship.  Do you know how to handle a gun?”

“Yes sir,” I said eagerly.  “I’m a good shot.  I know how to use pistols, rifles and some shot guns.”

“Ever shot anyone with these guns?” Admiral Brawne asked.

I blushed.  “I-no, sir,” I said.

“Good, or else I might have been forced to arrest you,” Admiral Hackett laughed.  Haha, look at me joking with the top brass of the military.  I supressed the urge to roll my eyes.

“If you had to choose, Jane, which corps would you be sent to?” Admiral Brawne asked.

“Special forces, sir,” I said at once.

“Looking to follow in your father’s footsteps, are you?” Admiral Greyling asked.

“No, sir,” I said.  I decided to leave it at that.  Leave them guessing, that’s my motto.

None of the admirals seemed to know what to make of my strange answer.  “Very well, Miss Shepard,” Admiral Hackett said at last.  “You may leave.”

I got up and saluted.  They returned my salute.  “Thank you for your time, Admirals,” I said.

“Dismissed,” Admiral Brawne said.  “We’ll be in touch in a couple of weeks.”

..... 

My family was waiting for me outside.  “How did it go?” my twin sister Jean asked.  We were almost completely identical, same dark hair and high yellow skin, same bright blue eyes, same handful of freckles on our noses.

I shrugged.  “Honestly, I’ll be lucky if they send me anywhere,” I said.

“Why?” my father asked.  He was white, with the same blue eyes as Jean and me.  His hair was red and his face was covered in freckles.

“I don’t think they liked me very much,” I said.  “I asked to be sent to the Marines, although I doubt they’ll do it.”

“Don’t be silly Janey,” Mom said.  “Why wouldn’t they?”

“Well, I’m too short for one thing,” I said.  That was the only way to tell Jean and me apart.  She was five foot three I was four foot eleven.  Whilst Mom was pregnant with us, something happened to cause Jean to get more nutrition than me, and my growth has been stunted ever since.  Kind of symbolic of Jean and my relationship. 

“What about the asthma?” Dad asked.  “What did they say about that?”

I shrugged again.  The secretary with the perfect hair and nails came over.  “Jean Shepard, the admirals are ready for you,” she said. 

Jean got up and straightened her dress.  “Well, at least I know Jean won’t disappoint me,” Dad said as she walked towards the interview room.

I pretended not to hear this, glancing instead over at my younger brother, Jason.  As much as I was a disappointment to our father, he was an even greater one.  I sometimes wondered if he gave the same disappointed little shake of the head to my brother when he didn’t learn to walk at the age of one.  What was his reaction when Jason was diagnosed with cerebral palsy when he was three?  To be honest, I couldn’t remember a time when Jason hadn’t been in a wheelchair.  There was one child who wouldn’t achieve Dad’s life-long ambition.

Dad wasn’t done though.  “Did you tell them you can speak nine languages?” he asked.

“I can only speak seven fluently, and no,” I said.

“Why not?” he demanded.

“I didn’t think it was relevant,” I said tiredly.  “I had already told the shrink that.  It would have been in his report.  Sir,” I added hastily, seeing my father’s face.

He growled in frustration.  “John, please tell your sister how it’s done,” he said.

“I told the admirals which languages I speak,” John said in his annoyingly superior voice.

“Yeah, and you’re a private in the navy, for Christ sake,” I said irritably.  “Big whoop.”

“Is it too much for me to get one of my children into the marines?” Dad asked, looking up at the ceiling.

“Jean will get into the marines,” Mom said comfortingly.  Sometimes I wished I could get all the love and attention my sister got.  At other times I was glad I didn’t have to live with the pressure of being perfect all the time.

“Ooooth ike uttth?” Jason mumbled.

“Damn few,” I answered.  “And they’re all dead.”

 .....

Ash was waiting for us in the dining hall.  Ash was my best friend since we were twelve years old, but for some reason she couldn’t stand Jean.  I asked her once why she hated my sister, since we were pretty much genetically identical.  She said, “Janey, your sister is an ‘it girl’.”  We were fourteen at the time.

“What’s an ‘it girl’?” I asked.  I had grown up on a space ship.  The only people my age on the ship shared the same parents as me.  Conversely, Ash had spent most of her life on the South African colony of Freedom’s Progress.  I knew all the Alliance protocol, she knew people who weren’t soldiers.

“You know,” Ash said.  “Those perfect, cheerleader girls, the ones with the perfect bodies, the perfect brains, the perfect, well, everything really.”

I found this highly ironic coming from Ash.  She was tall and leggy with blonde hair and perfectly bronzed skin.  She pretty much fitted the bill of an ‘it girl’.  I later learned that ‘it girls’ where defined more by attitude than by attribute.

“How did it go?” Ash asked now.  I made a non-committal noise.  “That bad, huh?”  I nodded.  “Don’t worry, I think mine was pretty shitty too,” she said.  “Although I think Admiral Greyling eyed me a bit too much.  I’m almost certain he had a boner when he stood up to salute me.”

“Ash,” I said in a shocked tone. 

“What, Jane?” Ash asked innocently.  “I can’t help it if I’m hot, can I?”

“No, but, well, never mind,” I spluttered.

“Listen, if you want to feel better, you can come with Pedro and me to watch Blasto: the rise of the jellyfish agent,” Ash said.  Pedro was her secret boyfriend.  He was a private on the Hugo Grayson, the ship we lived on.  “It’s about a hanar Spectre.”

“I know what it’s about,” I sighed.  Hanar were a strange alien species that came from the planet Kahje.  The closely resembled giant pink jellyfish and were probably the most polite species in the entire galaxy.  For some reason they didn’t like humans much, probably because we kept calling them big stupid jellyfish.

“Yeah, well it’s bound to be fun,” Ash said.  She put on a passable hanar accent.  “This one is proud to be serving the Council,” she said.

“Ash,” Jean said, coming up to us.

“Ah, my favourite Shepard,” Ash said, smiling widely.  “How did it go for you today?”

“Really well,” Jean said, smiling even more widely.  “I’m confident about my chances.  At least I won’t be made a para.”

“Who said anything about paratroopers?” I asked in confusion.  “I’ll probably be made navy or something, like John.”  Jean hesitated.  “Wait, did Dad say I’ll be made a paratrooper because I didn’t say anything about the fact that I can speak all the Council languages?”

“Not exactly,” Jean said in a small voice.

“God almighty, nothing like a bit of belief in your abilities,” I grumbled.  “Ash, thanks for the offer, but I need to pack my things.  We leave at dawn tomorrow.”

“No worries,” Ash said.  She linked arms with me.  “See ya later, Jean,” she said over her shoulder at my sister.

“Why is my father such a jerk?” I asked.  “I swear, he would be happier if my mom had given birth to a fully formed infantry.”

“Well, at least your father pays attention to you,” Ash said soberly.  Her father was the commanding officer on the Hugo Grayson.  She had come to live with him after her mother’s death when she was twelve.  He pretty much left her to her own devices.  She had applied at the military academies more to get his attention than for any real desire for a military life.

“Where did you ask to be sent?” I asked.

“Marines of course,” Ash said.  “If I got in he might actually notice me.  If not, well, I wouldn’t have lost much.”  She sighed heavily.  “I think tonight’s the night with Pedro.”

“You’ve been saying that for the last two weeks,” I said.

“Yeah, but this time I mean it,” Ash laughed.  “Come on, let’s go choose my outfit.”

 .....

After Ash left with Pedro for the movie house I had a shower.  One of the many things I found strange about shore leave was the amount of elbow room you had.  On a ship filled with engineers, marines and naval crew members, there was never enough space to go around.

Back in the old days, before we knew there was other life in the galaxy, the human population had been spread all around Earth.  There were six continents: Africa, North America, South America, Europe, Asia and Oceania.  Then the mass relays were discovered in 2050.  It took the scientists six years to work out exactly how the mass relays worked, with the help of the Mars Prothean beacons.  The first place they managed to travel to was Tribean, the turian home system (turians were colloquially referred to as birds, owing to their particularly beaky faces.  They have hard grey skin that formed plates on their faces and across their bodies, and had interesting head tufts that look almost like feathers).

The turians declared war on the humans (this was now in 2056), then China and America declared war on each other in 2077 over some stupid colony that now belonged to the volus.  Soon Earth was in a full scale nuclear war.  By the end, only three cities on Earth were habitable: Cape Town in South Africa, London in England, and Seattle, in America.  Seattle was now the capital of Earth.  My home world was so small these days, it was strange for me to think my entire species once lived here.

After my shower I got into bed with my data pad, and found my place in the book I’d been reading.  A few minutes later Jean came in.  “Whatcha up to, Janey?” she asked.

“Reading a book called the Shadows of the Wind,” I said.  “It’s set in this city called Barcelona, in Spain.”

“Where’s that?” Jean asked, sitting on the bed and taking her boots off.

“Europe,” I said.  “You know, London.”

“Oh yeah,” Jean said.  “When did this book come out?”

“2004,” I said.  “Ancient history really.  It’s set in the nineteen forties.”

“Shit,” Jean said.  “That’s what, two hundred and fifty odd years ago.”

“Yeah,” I said.  I turned my data pad off and sat up.  “Jean, did Dad really say I can only make paratroopers?”

“Come off it, Jane,” Jean complained.  “The man’s off his rocker.  He’s trying to breed the perfect soldier or something.  Of course he isn’t gonna be happy with the way you turn out.  You can try all you want.”

“Easy for you to say when you’re the favourite child,” I snapped, getting irritable.  “Do you have any idea what it feels like for me to hear: ‘Don’t worry, Jean will get it right’ every second of my life?”

“Do you have any idea what it’s like for me?” she snapped back.  “Sure I’m the favourite child, but that means that I have ten times the expectation riding on me.  I have to make sure that I’m always perfect, that I always come first in the competitions, that I always hit the bull’s eye on the target.  You and Jason, you’re already disappointments, if you screw up it doesn’t matter so much.”  She sighed.  “If you didn’t have to be a soldier, if Dad didn’t force you to join up, what would you be?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“If you had the choice of what to do with your life, what would you choose to do?”

“We don’t have the choice,” I said irritably.  Talking about this kind of thing was annoying and pointless in my opinion.

“I’d be a comedian,” Jean said dreamily.

“Get out,” I said, laughing.

“I’m serious,” Jean said.  “You know how I can do that impression of  Chief Engineer Hadrian?  I can do others as well.  I can do Dad, I can even do a passable Hackett now that I’ve finally met the man.”

“I mentioned that Dad is a marine,” I said.  “He’d never even heard of him.”

“Not surprising,” Jean said.  She put on a British accent.  “The great H’admiral Hackett would not mix with those that train their children to use guns at the age of five.”

I laughed.  “A dancer,” I said.

“Beg pardon?” Jean asked, flinging herself back onto her bed.

“If I could choose what I want to be, I’d be a ballet dancer,” I said.

Jean propped herself up on one elbow.  “Oh Jane,” she sighed.  “Everyone knows you can’t dance.”

 .....

“How was Blasto?” I asked Ash the next morning as we loaded our baggage onto the Grayson. 

“Hilarious, but in a way that it is totally not meant to be,” Ash answered, chucking her suitcase into the back of the cargo hold.

“Careful there Miss Williams,” one of the engineers said.  “We have big bombs loaded in the cargo hold.”

“Really?” Ash asked keenly.

“Of course not,” I said.  “He’s having a go at you.  Bombs are kept in the weapons bay, same as always.  Tell me about Blasto.”

“Well, there’s the obvious point of how the hell could a hanar even make it as a Spectre,” Ash said.  “They’re, like, giant jellyfish…things, which begs the question: how do they hold a gun?”

“They have aids,” I said.  “Usually drell, since the drell owe them a debt.  Go on.”  Drell were a species with sort of humanoid features, apart from their eyes, which were alarmingly similar to frog eyes.  They were a sort of yellowish-green colour and stood at approximately five foot tall.  Two hundred years ago their home planet Rakhana was in the process of being destroyed by a nuclear war, not unlike the war that had destroyed Earth.  The hanar had rescued a couple of hundred thousand drell in their star ships and taken them to live on Kahje.  Hence the debt.

“Oh ja, I was wondering why there was a drell following Blasto around the whole time,” Ash said, rolling her eyes.  “Anyway, the dialogue’s hilarious.  Things like: ‘this one politely requests that the criminal scum puts his hands up.  This gun is loaded.’  Then there’s the elcor side-kick.”

“There’s an elcor in Blasto?” I asked.  In my opinion elcor were the best species in the galaxy.  The best way to picture an elcor was to think of a seal, then give it four legs, grow it until it is six and a half foot high and had elephant ears.  Elcor were native to the planet Dekuuna, and were rarely found off of it.  They had a strange monotonous speech and it was impossible for an elcor to lie, owing to the fact that they put adverbs similar to stage direction in front of each sentence.

“Yeah,” Ash said.  She put on a melancholy elcor voice.  “’Badassidly: damn you, Blasto, I haven’t paid my car insurance yet.’”

I laughed.  “Badassidly?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Ash said.  “Guess they invented a whole new adverb for this movie.”

We made our why to our take off positions in the engineering bay.  Ash’s was normally upstairs in the CIC with her father, but she had traded this position with her father’s communications officer, more in revenge against her father than any real wish to be in the engineering bay.

“Guess who is now a woman,” Ash whispered as we did our seat buckles up.

“You and Pedro score, did you?” I whispered back.

“Oh boy, did we ever,” Ash whispered.

“What was it like?”

Ash’s face fell a fraction.  “I-alright I guess,” she said unconvinced.

“The moment of truth in every teenage girl’s life and all you can say is ‘alright, I guess’?” I asked incredulously.  “Was he any good at least?”

“I suppose so,” Ash answered, fidgeting with the strap of her safety harness.

“For God’s sake, Ash,” I groaned, rolling my eyes.  “If you hated every second of it, just say so.  Did it hurt?”

“Yes, but…that’s not it,” Ash said.  I raised my eyebrows.  “Well, alright.  I had this moment, just as he was about to…you know, that I’m about to lose something that I’ll never get back.  Just for a second I wanted him to stop.”

“Why?” I asked.

Ash sighed.  “Because I wasn’t sure if he was the one I wanted to lose it to,” she said at last.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the Hugo Grayson,” Mom said pleasantly over the intercom.  “Welcome aboard once more.  We are headed for the Citadel.  It is a four week journey across the galaxy.  I will warn you on approach of mass relays.  Please fasten your safety harnesses, we are about to take off.”

I personally hated take-off, even though a lot of people said they found it exhilarating.  The changes in cabin pressure were what bothered me during the take-off and  I always felt like they made my lungs slightly too full.  I bent over and put my head between my legs as the ship’s thrusters engaged and she took off.

“Ladies and gentlemen, that was a successful take off,” my mother said a few minutes later, ever the joker.  “You may now unfasten your safety harnesses and leave your seats.  Have a pleasant journey.”

**.....**

“I hate it here,” Jean mumbled gloomily, staring out of our hotel window.

To be fair, the Citadel was a master of construction.  Built in the Widow system by the long-extinct protheans, the Citadel had really stood the test of time.  After all, the protheans had gone extinct fifty thousand years ago, way before the first human had climbed out of his cave.  Now, it was home to the Council and the Spectre offices, and was considered the capital of the galaxy.  It was the only area where members of all species lived together in relative peace and harmony.

“Quit complaining,” I mumbled.  “You’re giving me a headache.”  Or, more accurately: “Qwit cobplainig,” I mumbled.  “You gibig be a headache.”

I had a cold.  Not just any cold, a fully-fledged, taps dripping, here-comes-the-green-slimy-goo cold.  Because of this, I was confined in bed to ensure that I didn’t spread the cold across to other species, who might not be able to handle it as well as I was (not that I was actually handling it well at all), and to ensure that it did not develop into pneumonia (my lungs had a long and unfortunate history of disappointing me).

“We ship out tomorrow,” Jean said, turning back to me.  “You coming with?”

The Hugo Grayson’s presence had been requested by the turians against some krogan rebels in their system.  Commander Pieterse, Ash’s dad, had assured everyone that it would just be routine and that they would return to the Citadel as soon as they were done.

“No,” I groaned.  “I’m going to stay here, and maybe see about dying.”

“John’s coming with,” Jean continued.  “We’re dropping him off on the Kilimanjaro, which is patrolling the Artimus Tau cluster.”

“He’s been posted to the Artimus Tau cluster?” I asked in amazement.  “That’s terrible.  Poor John.”  The Artimus Tau cluster was home to the human colony of Tiptree, which was where my paternal grandparents lived.  He’d be forced to visit them frequently now, which was a fate I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

“Well, at least he’ll always have a place to stay now,” Jean shrugged.

“Yeah, if I had to choose between staying with Grandma and Grandpa and staying on the streets, I’d choose the streets,” I mumbled.

There was a knock on the door and Ash poked her head through.  “Hey Jane, you feeling better?” she asked.  I shook my head.  “Well, the good news is that I just asked my dad if I can stay here whilst they go and blow up some krogan, so I’m taking you shopping.”

“Jane’s sick,” Jean protested.

“She has a cold,” Ash answered lightly.  “She’ll be on her feet in no time.”

“She needs rest,” Jean insisted.

“You lot will be gone a month, right?” Ash asked.  “She isn’t going to be sick the entire month, is she?”  She rolled her eyes.  “You aren’t her mom, Jean.”

“Stop it,” Jason said from the corner.  “Can’t you two not fight for just one day?”

“Sorry, Jason,” Jean said at once, turning to him.  “Didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I’m not upset,” Jason said.  “I’m just…oh what’s the use?  You two could be friends.”

“Sorry, kid, that ain’t happening,” Ash mumbled.  Jean glared at her.  “But I see your point,” Ash added hastily.

Jason is probably the only person in the family that could get away with bossing everyone around. Perhaps it was because of his disability, perhaps it was because he was the baby in the family.  He was always the peacemaker.  The only person he couldn’t keep in check was our father.  But then, our father was convinced that Jason was never his child in the first place.

 ......

“Are you sure you’ll be ok?” Mom asked for what felt like the fifty millionth time.

“Mom,” I groaned.  “I’ll be fine.  Jina will be looking after me.”  Jina was an asari (a beautiful, haemphroditis blue species that looked alarmingly like human females) that hired her services out.  As a baby sitter that is.

“Maybe I should stay behind,” Mom said, fussing with her handbag.

“Really, Mom,” I said.  “They need someone to fly the ship for them, don’t they?”

“I suppose so,” Mom said.  “Promise me you’ll be alright.”

“Jin,” Dad said, putting his hand on Mom’s shoulder.  “Jane’s tough.  She’ll survive four weeks without us.”

“Don’t fuss, Mom,” I added for good measure.  “I’ll take my meds and everything.  Ash’ll be here.  We’ll watch T.V and stuff.  We’ll be fine.”

“Alright, my love,” Mom said.  She bent down and kissed my forehead.  “I love you.”

“Yeah, you too,” I said.  “Be safe and kick those krogan into next Tuesday.”

Dad squeezed my hand.  “Your acceptance letters should arrive soon,” he said. 

“Probably only after y’all get back,” I said.  “There’s a future in the paras.  I saw on the news this morning.”

“Don’t be cheeky with me, girl,” Dad said, frowning.

“No sir,” I said.  I turned to John.  “Next time I see you, you’ll be in a uniform,” I said to him.  “I mean one that isn’t your training uniform.”

“Funny, titch,” John said.  “Take care of Mom and Dad, you hear?”

“Please, Jean can take care of them,” I said, grinning.  “Or they can take care of themselves.  Either way, I am the second youngest child and it’s not my responsibility.”

“We’d better go,” Jean said.  “The ship leaves in an hour.”

“They won’t leave without Mom, will they?” Jason asked in mock horror.

“Oh, someone’s getting a smart mouth too,” John said, clapping Jason on the shoulder.  “We’ll have to watch this one, Mom.”

Mom bent and kissed Jason.  “Goodbye sis,” Jean said, hugging me.  “See you soon.”

“Yeah,” I said.  “See you.”

 .....

I was back on my feet within a week, pneumonialess, and I spent the remaining time watching TV and going to the movies to watch Blasto with Ash, and practicing my shooting at the fire arm range.  On the day before the ship was due back Ash woke me up early in the morning.

“Rise and shine, precious,” she said, pulling the covers from me.

“Ash, it’s-,” I squinted at my clock.  “Seven o’clock sol in the morning.”

“Quit complaining, woman,” Ash said.  “The day is young and we are going shopping.”

“I don’t see the point,” I said, sitting up and rubbing my eyes.  “We’re getting back on the ship tomorrow, where absolutely no one will be wowed by my tiny frame, and then we’re going to whatever training academy we’re going to where we have to wear a uniform for the duration of our stay.”  
“You lack spontaneity and are a total drag, Jane Shepard,” Ash said.  “Do something because it’s fun rather than because it’s sensible.”

“I don’t have credits,” I said in a last ditch attempt.

“Dad paid in a bunch of credits for me as conscience money,” Ash said.  “Let’s blow it on hot clothes.”

“Fine,” I sighed.  “Hot clothes are wasted on me though.  I look like I’m twelve.”

“Actually you look like you’re ten, but that’s only because you fail to resource your assets,” Ash said.  “Get dressed.”

“What assets?” I asked, getting up and chucking my standard wear of big T-shirts and baggy jeans onto my bed.

“Well, you have a very flat tummy, which most women would kill for, believe me,” Ash said.  “You also have fantastic legs.  Your skin tone and eyes are amazing.  All of these could get you a boyfriend.”

“Don’t want a boyfriend,” I muttered, pulling my pyjamas off.

“Don’t be stupid, most girls are straight at some point in their lives,” Ash said.  “Jina says breakfast is almost ready.  I already asked Jason and he said something about staying behind to update some log or the other, I forget which.”

Living on a military ship, where everybody wore uniforms, I hadn’t really been too bothered with my appearance as a child.  Naturally as a preteen and a teen I was curious about what other girls wore and had gone through a stage where I wanted to wear girly, fashionable clothes.  That is, until I realised my skinny legs looked ridiculous in skirts and my flat chest and thin arms were pathetic in tight-fitting t-shirts.  Since then, I had pretty much relegated myself to baggy clothes that swamped my body, my hair in a constant ponytail.  At least in clothing that wasn’t form-fitting no one would realise that I had no bust, ass or anything else that was considered sexy.

The first shop we went to sold dresses, mostly designed for asari, but some that could be worn by humans too.  Ash tried to persuade me to try on an electric blue dress.  I shook my head no, so she found one in her size and went into the changing room.  I leaned against an advertisement board.

“Jane Shepard,” the advert said conversationally.  “You are sixteen and not yet enrolled at an academy.  Have you thought of becoming a journalist?  You have all the necessary pre-requisites: multilingualism, sass, a sexy body, and skills in sarcasm.  Enrol now at the Alliance Journalism Academy on Terra Nova, extranet site: aja. net.  You won’t regret it.”  I ignored it.  I’d make a terrible journalist.

Ash came out of the changing room.  “Yeah?” she asked, twirling.  
“Yeah,” I answered.

“I don’t know,” Ash sighed, wringing her hands.  “My legs might be too long.”  She deliberated for a couple of minutes whilst I contemplated how it was possible to have legs that were too long.  “Nah,” she said.  “Let’s move on.”

 .....

We wandered around the Citadel shops for a few more hours.  “Ash, I’m tired and bored,” I said.  “Can we go home now please?”

“One more shop, Jane,” Ash answered.  She had already bought herself two new outfits.  “You need to get something too.”

“I don’t want to,” I said tiredly.

“Jane Tina Shepard, you are getting a new outfit or I will punch you in the face,” Ash said dangerously.  “You’re sixteen.  It’s about time you started feeling good about your body.”

“Please,” I said.  “Most sixteen year olds don’t feel good about themselves.  It’s part of being sixteen.”  But I followed her into the shop, scowling and tapping my foot as Ash rifled through the shelves.

“Here,” she said, coming over.  She held out a denim skirt that was so short it needed to come with a warning sign.  
“Come off it,” I said, laughing.

“I’m serious,” Ash said.  “You need to show off your assets.”

“The only thing that’ll be showing in that skirt is my ass,” I said.

“Yeah, well, it comes with this,” Ash continued, giving me a red, belly baring tank top.  “Try these on whilst I find some shoes.”

I rolled my eyes, but went into the changing room.  Without my clothes on, my body was even more depressing.  My shoulder blades stuck out from my back, my ribs showed through my skin, my hips poked their way from below my belly and my chest was as flat as a four year olds’.  I put the clothes Ash had given me, careful not to look at myself in the mirror, then went back outside.

Ash wolf-whistled.  “Now that’s what I’m talking about,” she crowed.  “You look great, Jane.  I’m totally buying that for you.”

She wouldn’t rest until she had found a pair of red heals to go with the outfit.  “You should wear these in front of your dad,” she laughed as we left the store for the barracks.

“Yeah, and get sent to a nunnery,” I said.  “Catholics don’t dress like that.”

 .....

Inside our quarters in the barracks the table was laid for dinner.  “We’re back,” Ash called.  Jina came into the room.  “You should see the outfit Jane got, Jina,” Ash said in Protha, the common galactic language.  “She looks super-hot.”

Jina didn’t crack a smile.  I noticed her normally dark blue face was pale.  “What is it?” I asked softly.

Jason wheeled himself into the room.  He had been crying.  “What is it?” I asked more urgently.

“I’m so sorry,” Jina whispered.

“Sorry about what?” I asked, although I knew in my heart of hearts what was coming next.

“General Montry just came by,” Jina said.  “The Hugo Grayson was shot out of the sky last week.”

 .....

To this day, I don’t remember most of the funeral.  I remember the week-long journey to Arcturus Station, a space-station that served as the Alliance Military base in the Arcturus Stream.  I remember spending a lot of time on the observation deck, looking out of the stars.  I remember meeting with a social worker by the name of Connie Braune, and my grandparents to discuss Jason’s future.

“Jane is sixteen and is due to start studying in August,” Connie said.  “She is legally an adult and therefore able to care for herself.  It’s Jason I’m worried about.  He is thirteen, and will most likely always need someone to look after him.”

“What are you studying, Janey?” Grandma asked. 

I shrugged.  “I applied at the military academies,” I said indifferently.  “I haven’t heard back yet.”

“But why would you want to go to the military academies?” Grandpa asked.  “You could be so much more than that.”

“Actually I can’t,” I said.  “I don’t even have a first grade.  Dad took me out of the school systems when I was six.  It’s either the military or manual labour, and I don’t have the right body type for that.”

“You must have faith in the good lord to look after you, my dear,” Grandpa said.

“Yeah, sure I have faith in the good lord,” I said.  “I also need to look after myself though.”

“Anyway, it’s not Jane’s future I’m worried about, but Jason’s,” Connie said.  “We would prefer to place him with relatives.”

It took a while for this to sink in.  “What, us?” Grandpa asked.

“Sorry, Ms Braune, but Jason is a special needs child,” Grandma said.   “We’re both too old to take that sort of responsibility on.  Not to mention his manners.”

“He’s your grandchild, Mrs Shepard,” Connie pointed out mildly.

“Yes, but well,” Grandma spluttered.  “Surely there’s somewhere else you can send him?”

“We’re trying to get hold of his maternal grandparents, but so far we’re having little success,” Connie said.

“They wouldn’t take him,” I said.  “We’ve never met Mom’s parents.  They don’t approve of us.”

“Why ever not?” Grandma asked.

“Because we’re American, Catholic and raised on a war ship, I guess,” I shrugged.

“Do you have any other relatives that Jason could live with, Jane?” Connie asked.

“My Aunt Jennifer, I suppose, but she serves on war ship as well,” I said.  “It’s unlikely that the Joint Military Council would approve it.”

“Jennifer’s not taking Jason on,” Grandpa said firmly.  “She can barely take care of herself.”

“Well, then I suppose I’ll have to look into children’s homes,” Connie said after a long silence.  “There are a number of orphanages for the children of veterans around the galaxy that I can look at.”

“Thank you,” Grandma said, relieved.  “We would take him on ourselves, it’s just-,”

“Yeah, you just don’t like us much,” I said.

 .....

I remember the caskets.  The memorial services for the entire Hugo Grayson crew happened at the same time.  One hundred caskets, each draped with the Alliance flag, lined up in the main hall on Arcturus.  John, Jean and my parents were grouped together.  None of the caskets were opened, and I didn’t want to think of what the bodies had looked like to warrant this.

Ash didn’t come to the funeral.  She refused to get out of bed, saying that she had already been to one parent’s funeral, she didn’t want to go to another.  Jason sat in the front row, next to my grandparents, his face screwed up as he tried to be the big boy they wanted him to be.

Our family was the only one that had served on the ship that had been religious, and I had been asked to do a Bible reading as part of the service.  In the end I read my father’s favourite verse, taken from the gospel of Luke: ‘And it was about the sixth hour and there was a darkness over all the earth until the ninth hour.  And sun was darkened and the veil of the temple was rent in the midst.  And when Jesus had cried with a loud voice, he said, Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit: and having said thus, he gave up the ghost. 

‘Now, when the centurion saw what was done, he glorified God, saying Certainly, this was a righteous man.’

 .....

In the end Connie found a children’s home on the Citadel to send Jason.  It was a small home, run by asari, with perhaps thirty children living on it.  Whilst about eighty per cent of the children living there were humans, there were a few turians and asari living there too.  As Ash and I were due to start in the academies in about a month’s time, we went with him.

I checked my emails daily on the home’s terminal, although I had no idea what I was looking for.  I never got anything of substance.  However, in the middle of July, there was an email waiting for me.

“Dear Miss Shepard,” it read.  “May I be the first to congratulate you on your acceptance into the Alliance army’s Special Forces.  You will be training at Del Sol Academy in Rio De Janero.  You are expected to arrive at the academy on August, 30 2177, at 0900 hours.  Yours sincerely, Peter Greyling, Admiral, Special Operations class 7.”

“Sweet Jesus,” I muttered.  “Ash,” I yelled over my shoulder.

“Jane, please, no shouting,” Mari, one of the house mothers, said, coming over.  “The turian children are trying to sleep.”

Owing to differences in circadian rhythms, we all had different bed times.  Turians only had to sleep every two days, whilst asari only had to sleep every ten days.  “Sorry,” I mumbled.  “Look at this.”

Mari frowned as she read over my shoulder.  “Del Sol Academy?” she asked.  She was one of the few aliens that could speak English, but even so, her accent was terrible.  It came out sounding a bit like ‘Dela Soli Acdehmee’.

“It’s the human marines academy,” I said.  “I joined up in April, but I didn’t think I would make it into Del Sol.”

Ash walked into the room.  “Tera said you were calling me,” she said.  “What’s up?”

“I got into Del Sol,” I said.

Ash’s eyes widened.  “The acceptance letters are out?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I said.  “Look to see if you’ve gotten one.”

Ash hesitated.  “I don’t know if I want to go anymore, Jane,” she said softly.  “I mean, our fathers are…gone.  We don’t have to prove anything to anyone anymore.”

She was right of course.  It was my father who had wanted me to become a soldier.  In his death he had given me free will.  Except…

I sighed.  “Ash, I don’t know how to be anything else,” I said, looking down at my nail-bitten hands.  “The only thing I’ve ever been taught is how to be a soldier.  I mean, what could I be now?”

“Shit, I don’t know,” Ash said.

“Language, Ashley,” Mari said reprovingly.

“I wanted to be an artist when I was a kid,” Ash continued.  “I could go to an art academy if I wanted to now.”

“Ash, I was taught how to use a gun when I was five,” I said.  “I was told when I was two that I would become a marine.  I don’t know how to dream, how to want to be anything else.”

“Try,” Ash insisted.  “Please try for me.”

I looked at the terminal screen.  The life of a soldier was hard, I knew this because I had grown up, surrounded by them.  Marines had very low life expectancy.  The burnout rate was high.  You’d probably end up either certified clinically insane or killed in a very gruesome manner.

“I have to do this,” I said at last.  “I have to go to the academy.  I have to become a marine.”

“Why?” Ash asked. 

“Ash, I don’t have any schooling,” I said.  “I don’t have many options.”

“Is that all?” she asked.  “Are you sure that there isn’t any other reason?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I snapped.

“Jane, your father was an asshole who made sure you knew there was only one way to earn his love,” she began.

“Ash, shut up,” I snapped.  “You can do whatever the hell you want with your life, live whatever picture you have in your head, but I’m going to Del Sol.”

Ash sighed.  “Then I’m coming with you,” she said.

“That’s sweet, Ash, but you’d need to be accepted into Del Sol,” I said.

“I was,” Ash said.  “I got the letter this morning.”

“Then why…?” I asked.

“The army loves to have soldiers that are cold-hearted killing machines, that shoot first and ask questions later,” Ash said.  “You’re not that kind of person.  Not yet.  I’m going with you to make sure that you never become that person.”

“Why should you care?” I asked.  “I mean, don’t get me wrong, you’re my best friend and all, but protecting my integrity shouldn’t be your concern.”

“You’re all I have left, Jane,” Ash said, taking my hand.  “I lost my mother when I was twelve.  I lost my father and my boyfriend to the krogan.  I’ll be damned if I lose you to the Alliance army.”  She turned to Mari.  “We need a flight to Earth as soon as possible, Mari,” she said.

Mari nodded.  “I’ll look into it,” she said.

“We’d better pack,” Ash said to me.

 .....

My roommate was busy playing some computer game with a quarian whose fleet was on the other side of the galaxy.  Quarians were kind of like space nomads.  They’d been driven from Rannoch, their homeworld, four hundred years ago, owing to the fact that their computer systems, that they gave free will to, rebelled against them.  Since then, the fate of the quarian had been held up to the rest of the galaxy as a warning against giving machines sapient intelligence.

“What’s up, Lee?” I mumbled, pulling my duffel out from under my bed.

“Not much,” Lee answered.  “Come on, Hana, that’s cheating.”

“It is not cheating, Lee nar Citadel,” the quarian’s voice said.  “That is using the resources of the space world.”

“Oh, well, excuse me then,” Lee said.  She watched me pull my clothes from our shared cupboard.  “Finally decided to hell with this place, I’m running away, Jane?”

“What?” Hanna asked.  “I don’t speak English, remember?”

“Speaking to my roommate, Hanna, don’t worry about it,” Lee answered in Protha.  “So where you off to?”

“I’ve been called up,” I said.  “I’m leaving for Earth soon.”

“Ooh,” Lee said.  “Which academy are you going to?”

“Del Sol,” I answered.

Lee’s eyes grew round.  “Come on, Jane, you’re having me on,” she said.

I shook my head.  Lee had been here ever since she had been a baby and could not imagine any world outside of the Citadel.

“Where are you headed when you turn sixteen?” I asked.

“Engineering academy, with any luck,” Lee said.  “I enjoy building things.”

“Shay,” a voice called from outside the bedroom.  I opened the door for Jason.

“What’s going on?” he demanded thickly, his head jerking.  When he was angry or anxious, Jason tended to struggle to speak and what he said usually sounded even more garbled. 

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Why are you leaving?” he said loudly.  I had to concentrate to make out what he was saying.

“Yeah, I’ve been accepted into Del Sol,” I said.  “I have to be there by the end of August, so I’ll be leaving the Citadel soon.”

“This is bullshit, Shay,” he nearly shouted.  He shouted something unintelligible.

“I can’t understand what you’re saying, Jason, calm down,” I said calmly.

He took a deep breath.  “You can’t leave me,” he said more softly.

“I’m not leaving you,” I said.  “Look the truth is, I’d be going soon in any case, whether I was joining the army or going to an academy for weapons manufacturing.  I’m sixteen now.”

“Yes, but you can’t go to them,” Jason said, almost pleadingly.  “They’ll bleed you dry, turn you into the same nutter that Dad was.”

“I have to go, Jason,” I said.  He turned his head away from me.  “No, listen to me please, little brother.  I want to do this.  I must do it for Dad and Jean, but mostly I must do this for myself.”

“You don’t need to prove anything anymore, Jane,” Jason said stubbornly.  Why was everyone telling me this?

“I do,” I said.  “The truth is, you were the lucky one out of all of us.  You can choose to be anything.  Me, I have only been given one option, and it’s the one I want to take.”

“Fine,” Jason snapped.  “Have fun.  Write me a postcard.  You know the stories about Del Sol.”

“Yeah,” I said.  “I know them.  I swear on the bible that I’ll come back and look after you.”

“Fuck that,” Jason said.  “Become a marine, and I’ll probably be the one to look after you.”

I laughed.  “Probably,” I said.  “Will you do me a favour and look after Marvin for me?”  Marvin was my pet hamster.

“Yeah, alright,” Jason answered.

Ash came in.  “Lee-Anne,” she said to Lee.

“Ashley,” Lee answered.  “You also shipping out?”

“Yeah,” Ash said.  She turned to me.  “Mari came to me.  There’s a starship leaving for Earth tomorrow at noon sol.  She’s booked two beds on it.”

“Alright,” I said.  Jason scowled.  “I’ll come back here over my leave,” I promised him.

“No you won’t,” Jason answered.  “You get one week over Christmas and four in August if you’re at Del Sol.  You won’t have time to fly to the Citadel.”

“Then you’ll come to Earth,” I said.  “We’ll go to Seattle.  No, wait, even better, we’ll go to Cape Town.”

“You can’t afford it,” Jason said, but he seemed mollified.

“Hey, if I say it will happen, it’ll happen,” I said.  I kissed the top of his head.  “I’ll miss you too,” I said.  “I’ll say goodbye before I leave.”

He nodded and wheeled himself out of the room.

“Jane, in a month’s time we are going to be at the strictest, harshest training academy in the galaxy,” Ash said to me.

“Yeah, I know it,” I said.

“Therefore, I feel it is our duty to the Alliance to go out tonight and get us drunk as possible,” Ash continued.

Ordinarily I would have said no.  That day I said, “Yeah, alright.  Why the fuck not?”

 .....

I ended up wearing the outfit we’d bought the day we had heard of our parents’ deaths.  Ash did my hair and make-up, and for once I didn’t care about the fact that I looked like a twelve year old boy in drag.

“You look beautiful, Janey,” Ash said, applying the final touch of lipstick to my lips.

“Thanks,” I mumbled, rolling my eyes.  She really did look beautiful, in her short, tight red dress.

“You ready?” she asked, standing back and admiring her handiwork.  I nodded.  “Then let’s go.”

The club we were going to was on the rich side of the Citadel, near the Presidium.  To get in, you needed a membership card, but Ash insisted that she would be able to use charm to get us entrance.  The club was very popular among the elite though, and we stood for close to two hours before getting to the front.

“This place had better be good,” I mumbled to Ash.

“It is,” Ash answered.  “Pedro took me sometime last year.”

The elcor bouncer turned to us.  “Menacingly,” he (I think it was a he anyway.  It was hard to tell with elcor) said.  “Membership cards please.”

Ash gave a false gasp.  “Shoot, I knew we’d forgotten something, Jane,” she said to me.

“Um yeah,” I said unconvincingly.  “Totally.”

“Tiredly,” the elcor said, not changing his tone.  “I don’t have time for this crap.  If you don’t have a membership card, you can’t come in.  Sternly, besides this one looks underage.”

“No, she’s sixteen like me,” Ash said.  “You can check her ID bracelet.”

“Disinterestedly,” the bouncer said.  “The fact remains, no membership card, no entrance.  Commandingly, next please.”

“No, wait,” Ash said.  “Look, what’s two girls?  Please let us in.”

“Disinterestedly, but with feigned politeness, not gonna happen, lady,” the elcor said.  “Commandingly, next please.”

“Excuse me,” one of the men behind us said.  “They’re with us.”  
“Disbelievingly,” the elcor said.  “Membership cards please.”

The man grinned and held out his card.  He was quite good looking, with blonde hair and ice blue eyes.  “Politely, welcome Mr Johnson,” the elcor said.  He examined Mr Johnson’s companion’s card.  “And Mr Turner.”  Mr Turner nodded politely.  He was slightly shorter than his friend and had brown hair and dark skin.  Both were dressed in the uniforms of Biotics Division.

“Apologetically, I had no idea that these women were with you,” the elcor said.  “Apologetically, please accept my humble apologies.  Welcomingly, enjoy Purgatory.”

“Thank you, Mr Johnson,” Ash said as we walked into the club.

“It was my pleasure to rescue two damsels in distress,” Mr Johnson said.  “The name’s Luke Johnson.  This is my mate, Jem Turner.”

“I’m Ashley Williams,” Ash said.

“Jane Shepard,” I muttered.

“Are you sure you’re sixteen?” Jem asked, smiling at me, a dimple poking out of his left cheek.

“Yeah,” I said.  “Have a look.”

I held my right arm with my ID bracelet on it out.  “Hm,” Jem said, taking my wrist in his hand and turning the bracelet upwards.  “Jane Tina Shepard, Human, DOB March, 12, 2161, POB Hugo Grayson.  Where’s Hugo Grayson?”

“Nowhere at the moment,” I said.

“It was a spaceship,” Ash explained.

“Oh, you’re spacers?” Luke asked.

“Yeah,” I said.

“No,” Ash said at the same time.

“I am,” I explained.  “Lived on spaceships and space stations all my life.”

“I was born on Freedom’s Progress,” Ash said.  “I’m a colony kid.”

“I thought that was a South African accent,” Luke said.  “So, since we now saved your lives, shall we buy you drinks too?”

“Yeah,” Ash said.  “Two cosmos, if they have.”  She waited until they had moved to the bar before saying, “Oh my God, they’re so hot!”

“I guess,” I said.  “Saved our lives is slightly excessive.  It’s not as if this place is too great.”

“Come on, do you think Luke is into me?” Ash asked.

I raised my eyebrows.  “Ash, your boyfriend died a month ago,” I said.  “Are you sure you’re ready for this?”

“I’m not here for a boyfriend,” Ash said, flipping her hair.  “I’m here for a lay, because the next two years are gonna be spent being verbally abused by some asshole officer who’s trying to break me down to build me up.”

“If you say so,” I mumbled.

“Listen, Jane,” Ash said, grabbing my wrist.  “I’ll look after you, ‘kay?”

“I can look after myself Ash,” I said.  “I might not look it, but I’m pure muscle.”

“What’s pure muscle?” Luke asked from behind us.

Ash turned, a wide smile pasted on her face.  “You are, of course,” she said, sliding over in the booth to make space for him.  Oh gag.  I was a terrible girl most of the time.

I slid closer to Ash and Jem sat down next to me.  “So, you’re sixteen now, right?” he asked, handing me a pink drink in a tall glass.

“Yeah,” I said, taking a sip.  I expected a gross taste, but it was actually pleasantly sweet.

“What are you planning on specialising in?” Jem asked.

“Funny you should ask that,” Ash interjected.  “Jane and I are in fact headed back to Earth to attend Del Sol Academy.”

“Get out,” Luke said.

“On the bible,” Ash said. 

“So, you’re gonna be a marine?” Jem asked me.

“That’s the plan,” I said.

“Wow, that’s pretty incredible,” he said.  “You’re, like, our front line and shit.”

“Guess so,” I said.  “So, where’re you from?”

“Take a look,” Jem said, sticking his arm towards me.

I lifted his wrist up to my eyes.  “Jeremy Turner, Human, Biotic,” I read aloud.  “DOB Jan 8 2159, POB Horizon.  Wait, you’re biotic?”

“Yeah,” Jem said.  “Just graduated from Grissom Academy.  Me and Luke ship out next week to the Horsehead cluster to keep peace on the borders or whatever.  Brass isn’t very clear about what our duties will include.”

“I’ll drink to that,” I said, raising my glass.

“Yeah, here’s to you, our frontlines,” Luke said.

“And here’s to our side men,” Ash said, laughing slightly.  “May they keep our shields strong.”

I took another sip of my drink.  It gave me a pleasantly warm feeling in the pit of my stomach, as though someone had lit a fire in my belly.

“So how tall are you?” Jem asked me, leaning forwards.

“Four foot eleven,” I said.  “Don’t tell the Alliance officers though.  I said I was five foot one and a half.”

“No way,” Jem said.

“It’s true,” I said.  “They aren’t very good if they couldn’t tell I was lying though.”

“What’s it like living on a space ship though?” Jem asked.  Behind me Ash cackled at some joke Luke had made.

I shrugged.  “I don’t know how to describe it,” I said.  “Crowded, I guess.  There’s not much space.  Not a lot of kids either.  Also, the people there are all in the army, so you grow up with a very specific mind set.  Why, what’s it like growing up on a colony?”

“Well, I don’t know how to describe it,” Jem said.  I raised my eyebrows at him.  “Oh, very clever Miss Shepard,” he said, grinning.

I smiled and finished my drink.  By now I was feeling slightly light headed.  “I’ll buy you another,” Jem said at once, leaping to his feet.

“He’s so into you,” Ash whispered in my ear.  I giggled, quite a shocking sound, since I didn’t normally giggle.

“You have such pretty eyes,” Jem said, when he returned.

“Thanks,” I said, giggling like a loon.  “I like yours too.”

“And you have a really sexy voice,” he continued, pretending not to notice my insanity.

On this I had to agree, my voice is sexy, sort of deep and husky and not at all what you’d expect from a person of my stature. 

“So, you have a boyfriend?” he asked, sliding in closer to me and taking my hand.

“No, of course not,” I said.

“Why of course not?” he asked in surprise.  “You’re super-hot.  Any man who won’t take you is a fool.”

“Thanks,” I said, giggling some more and chugging down my drink.  “I know better though.”

“No, come on,” Jem said, laughing.  “Why do you put yourself down?  You’re smart, funny, you have a rocking body, and I’d be willing to bet you could kick any guy’s ass if he tried something on you.”

“Probably,” I answered.  “When I’m sober.”

“Let’s dance,” Jem suggested.

“Oh, no no no,” I said.  “You don’t want to see me dance.”

“Why not?” Jem asked.

“You wouldn’t think I have as much of a rocking body if you saw me dance,” I said.  “I’m really bad.”

“It’s all in the leading,” Jem said.  For some reason this sounded strangely familiar.  Like I’d read it somewhere before…

Maybe it was the excess of alcohol, but I believed that dancing in his arms would give me a sense of rhythm, so I stumbled onto the dance floor after him.

..... 

I woke up in the back alley.  I was pinned against the wall, his mouth on mine, his hand inside my bra.  Uncertain of where I was or what was happening, confused by the liquor still coursing through me, I turned to instinct, and bit down hard on his tongue.  His blood filled my mouth.

“What the fuck?” he shouted thickly. 

“Get off of me,” I said.  He hesitated so I moved my knee.  “Get off of me or I’ll teach you what the nutcracker’s really about,” I whispered.

“What, so now you don’t want to?” Jem said, putting his hand to his mouth to stem the blood.  “You asked me to bring you out here.”

“Hey asshole,” a voice said from behind him.  He turned and Ash punched him hard in the face.  “I believe that when a woman says she wants you to get off her, she means it,” she said calmly.  “Now get out of my sight before I take you down.”

“Fucking bitches,” Jem shouted, before limping away.

“You ok?” Ash asked me.

I bent and vomited up everything in my stomach.  “What the hell happened?” I asked weakly when I was done.

“Did he do anything to you?” Ash asked.

“No, I mean, I’ll be fine,” I said.  The tears running down my cheeks weren’t only from the vomiting now.  “Why was I out here?” I whispered.

“I don’t know,” Ash said.  “I went to the bathroom.  When I came back out, Luke said you had gone outside with Jem.  Are you sure you’re alright?”

I opened my mouth to answer, and to my horror, burst into loud tears.  Ash put her arms around me.  “Hey,” she said.  “You’re ok.  I broke that fuckface’s nose, I think.”

I laughed between my tears.  “I’m fine,” I hiccoughed.  “I just-my fucking family is dead, I’m drunk on the Citadel, and, well, I don’t like losing control like that.”

“I can understand that,” Ash said.  “Honestly, I thought it’d take more than two cosmopolitans to put you under.  Guess you need to build up your tolerance.”

I wiped my eyes.  “Thanks for looking out for me,” I mumbled.

“That’s what I’m here for, remember,” Ash said.  “Besties for life.  We swore an oath.  Shall we go home?  We have a long day ahead of us, and you’ll probably have a hang-over when you wake up.”

“What time is it?” I asked, looking up at the sky.  The Citadel was nothing more than a glorified space station that was not in any kind of orbit.  Consequentially it was plunged in constant daylight.

Ash glanced at her omnitool.  “About 0356 sol,” she said.

“And we need to be up by eight,” I groaned.  “You’ll have to help me back, I’m not feeling too steady at the moment.”

..... 

I awoke later that morning with the feeling that someone was busy driving a blunt chisel into my skull with the use of a heavy mallet and the physique of a sumo wrestler.  I opened my eyes to a bright light that caused the sumo wrestler to strike the chisel with even more verve.  I groaned.

“Feeling a little hung-over, are we?” Lee asked unsympathetically.

“Get lost,” I mumbled.  “What time is it?”

“I believe it’s half past eight sol,” Lee said.  “Your alarm went off.  You threw it across the room, rolled over and went back to sleep.  I would have woken you up, but on the whole decided you might prefer to die in your sleep.”

“Fuck off,” I mumbled.  “Is Ash up?”

“She came through earlier and agreed with me viz dying in your sleep,” Lee said.

I opened my eyes more cautiously.  “I’m never having another drink again,” I groaned, shielding my eyes.

“Yeah right,” Lee answered.  “You’re joining the marines.  The only way to keep sane amongst that lot is to get as pissed as possible as often as possible.  Would you like a coffee?”

“I’d die for one,” I said. 

“Dining room is on the left,” Lee said.

“You are a little brat, aren’t you?” I asked.  I stumbled to my feet and nearly fell down again when the walls swayed alarmingly.

“You alright?” Lee asked unsympathetically.

“No,” I mumbled, rushing out the door, my hand over my mouth.

I made it to the toilet just in time for a lovely scalding acid to emerge from my stomach.  I washed my mouth out at the tap and examined my face in the mirror.  My eyes were redder than a desert sunset, my skin turned even more yellow than usual.  I had gone straight to bed after returning from Purgatory, and this and my tears from earlier had caused my make up to make black track marks down my cheeks.  I hoped this would all clear up before we reached Rio, I didn’t want to be certified before I started my training.

I went back to my room and picked up my toiletries.  After showering I was starting to feel more human, and once I had gotten some food and coffee into my body, I was a whole other person.

Jason came into the dining room as I was finishing my last roll up.  “Shay,” he said.  He couldn’t say Jane, so he called me Shay.  He had called Jean “She”, John “Shore”, and he referred to himself as “Shane”.

“Heya,” I said.  “Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah,” he said.  “Did you go out with Ash?”

“Yeah,” I said.  “It was crap and now I’m hung-over.”

“That’s what you get,” Jason said sternly.

“Yeah, yeah,” I mumbled.  “Stop lecturing me kid.  Promise that you’ll be more sensible than me when you get drunk for the first time.”

“Did something happen last night?” Jason asked.

“Well, your sister was stupid,” I said.  “Just for a change.”

He grabbed my hand.  “Once a month you get a chance to make a vid call with people outside the academy,” he said.  “Will you call me?”

“What a stupid question,” I said, squeezing his hand.  “Of course I will.”

“Jane,” Ash said from the doorway.  “The taxi’s here.”

“Right,” I said.  “Let me fetch my duffel.”

Lee looked up as I walked into the room.  “You off?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I answered.

“Great,” Lee said.  “Finally I get a room to myself.”

“I’ll miss you too, Lee,” I answered.  “Good luck with engineering academy.”

“Yeah, good luck with being someone that gets paid to kill people,” Lee said.  She hesitated.  “Don’t die out there.  You weren’t a terrible roommate.”

I slung my duffel over my shoulder.  “The feeling’s mutual,” I said.

Jason went outside the home with us to where the taxi was waiting.  “I’ll miss you,” he mumbled, squinting his eyes.

I bent and hugged him.  “I’ll miss you too, kid,” I said.  “Look after yourself, you hear?”

He nodded, and bumped his chin against my cheek, his version of a kiss.  I kissed the top of his forehead, and climbed into the taxi after Ash.  I turned in my head as we moved off, and watched my brother disappear behind me.

“He’ll be alright,” Ash said.

“I know,” I said.


	3. Chapter two: August: Del Sol Academy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane and Ash arrive at Del Sol Academy, make new friends and meet the trainers who will be making their lives hell.

We arrived in Rio De Janero a month later.  After spending a two day layover in Cape Town, the only place on Earth that had been relatively untouched by the nuclear fallout of the third world war, Rio was an especially grim sight.  Most of Earth was uninhabitable, but for some reason there were pockets of areas that were less uninhabitable than others.  Cape Town most resembled the city it had been before the mass relay era.  Neither the allies nor the enemies had bombed it as they had both considered the city tactically insignificant.  Its army was too small to pose a real threat, and Cape Town was considered the tourist capital in the world, loved by both the Chinese and the Americans.  Somehow this was enough to keep it safe.  Then, when it became all too clear that Earth was becoming uninhabitable, the South African government, with its long history of acting against the interests of its people, did something right.  They evacuated the poor areas of the country first.

Their reasoning was that if the poor people were left for last, they would sense that something was up and riot, causing the evacuation process to slow down (their reasoning was based on what had happened in many of the European, South American and North American countries, where evacuation was pretty much halted due to rioting).  Thus, South Africa was the first country in the world to get all its people offworld and onto its colony.  They then sent their ships to the countries that were lagging in order to help them out.  Thereafter, the South African president, Loyiso Motlante formed the Human Alliance, which was basically a single banner under which all humans stood united.  In the hundred years since then, the Alliance Prime Minister had always been South African.  After the exodus, Loyiso Motlante, moved the people that had come from Seattle, London and Cape Town back as soon as it was determined that these areas were relatively safe enough to live in.  Following the advice of his councillors, he had built the Del Sol Academy in Rio De Janero, after he was told that the environment of the area, whilst not being as safe as the cities, could still more or less sustain human life, although radiation fallout would still sporadically blow over the desert.  The surroundings of the academy were perfect to break the spirit of any person setting foot there: the moment I saw it, I wished I had rather chosen to stay on the Citadel.

Brazil had once been known for its huge rain forests.  Now though, it was an unrelenting wasteland, where the temperature rocketed up to forty degrees Celsius in the daytime.

“I want to go back to Cape Town,” Ash mumbled, stepping out after me.  “Why did my parents emigrate to Freedom’s Progress?  I could be basking on the beach right now.”

One of the senior students stopped us.  “You grunts?” he asked.

“I guess so,” I said.

“You need to report to the Annexe,” he said.  “Go into the main building, turn right.  You can’t miss it.”

“Thanks,” Ash said.

The boy rolled his eyes.  “You’ll wish you hadn’t come by the time you reach the stage I’m at,” he said.  “Good luck.”

“Why’s everyone going on about this place?” Ash asked.  “It can’t be all that bad.”

“Your dad was N7, Ash,” I said.  “Surely he told you something-,”

“My dad never told me anything, Jane,” Ash said tiredly.

“Well, my dad told me that the training regime is hectic,” I said.  “Very little food and you’ll be lucky if you get four hours sleep in a night.  You have no free time, you spend every second of your day training.  If you falter, you get kicked out.”

“Alright, so we know this is going to be hard then,” Ash said.  “At least I know someone here.”

“Yeah,” I said.  We entered the building with a crowd of other lost-looking juniors.

“Are there any other women here?” Ash asked.  “These are all men.”

“Very few women get into Del Sol,” I said. 

“Why?” Ash asked.

“Because this is a patriarchal society,” I said.  “A woman’s worth is defined by the amount of children she bares and how well she cleans the house.”  Ash raised her eyebrows.  “Or maybe it’s cuz men are historically stronger than women and stronger people make stronger soldiers.”

We came into the Annexe, which turned out to be a huge room filled with terminals of all sizes and shapes.  The juniors were all forming a queue in front of a table behind which sat three marines.

“What do you suppose they are?” Ash asked.

“N1s,” I said.  “They didn’t do well in their training scores, so they’ve been relegated to doing admin work.”

“That must be a disappointment,” Ash remarked as we moved down the queue.  “To go through all that torture of training, and then to be forced to sit behind a terminal day in and day out.”

“Apparently, more than fifty per cent of all students here end up N1,” I said.  “Hence the large amount of students.”

“I’ll probably be N1,” the boy in front of us said gloomily.  He had dark hair, watery blue eyes and incredibly pale skin.

“Oh?” Ash asked.  “Why’s that?”

“I don’t work so well under pressure,” the boy said.  “I’m surprised I even got this far.”

“There’s nothing wrong with being an N1,” I said.  “Everyone is needed to win a war.”

“Well, we aren’t at war at the moment, so I imagine my life will be pretty dull,” the boy said.  “Zacharias Tobrin,” he said, saluting us.  “From London actually.”

“Ashley Williams, from Freedom’s Progress,” Ashley said, holding her hand out for him to shake.

“Jane Shepard from the Hugo Grayson,” I said, shaking his hand after he’d shaken Ash’s.

“So you two know each other?” Zacharias asked.

“Our fathers served on the same ship,” I explained.  “We’ve known each other since we were twelve.”

“Your fathers are soldiers?” Zacharias asked enviously.  “You’ll know what’s going on then.  My father is an accountant and my mother’s a nurse.  Hardly the grounding for a marine.”

“Look, there’s another woman, Jane,” Ash said, nodding a little way down the line.

The woman she was indicating was tall and broad-shouldered, with close cropped dark hair and a severe expression.

“Holy Mary, that’s not a woman, that’s a fucking tank,” I said, laughing.

“Well, I suggest that we let her go first in combat situations then,” Zacharias said, grinning.  “Why did you all ask to be sent to Del Sol?”

“My father was a marine,” I said.  “It was sort of obvious that I’d have to follow in his footsteps.  Why did you?”

“I didn’t,” Zacharias said.  “That’s what’s hilarious about this.  I requested to be sent to Obama’s Academy, you know the navy.  I’ve no idea what I’m doing here.”

We had reached the front of the queue.  “Name?” the bored N1 operative asked Zacharias.

“Zacharias Tobrin at your service,” Zacharias said.

The N1 operative scanned his datapad.  “Pod 3,” he said.  “Find them in the armoury.  Next.”

“Ashley Williams,” Ash said.

“Pod 3,” the N1 said after a pause.  “Follow the cheery British boy.  Next.”

“Jane Shepard,” I said.

“Pod 3,” the N1 said.  “Follow…”

“Yeah, I know, the cheerful Brit and the hot South African,” I said.

“A smart mouth is a dangerous thing around here, soldier,” the N1 said boredly.  “Get moving.”

“Where do you suppose the armoury is?” Ash asked.

“I’ll ask the omnitool,” I said.  I activated my omnitool and pulled up a map of the facility.  “Through that door and to the right,” I said, pointing.

“What is Pod 3, do you suppose?” Zacharias asked.

“The academy takes seventy two students,” I said.  “These students are divided into six pods with twelve students in each.  We have our classes together, do drills together and stuff like that.  It’s sort of like your unit in the army.  Here we are.”

“Um, Jane?” Ash said hesitantly as I pushed the door open and stepped into the boys’ bathroom.

“What the fuck?” a voice from the urinals squawked.

“I beg your pardon, old thing, but which way to the armoury?” Zacharias asked smartly.

“Keep going east and you’ll get there, grunt,” the senior boy said.  “Get the girls out of here, I’m trying to have a piss.”

“Your map must be wrong, Jane,” Ash said.

“It’s not,” I snapped.  “Someone’s messing with the satellites, or something, look.”

I showed her the map that had directed us.  “Ah well, no harm done,” Zacharias said bracingly.

“Except I’ll have to go to confession now to make up for the fact that I just saw a man naked from the waist down and it’ll probably cause me to have some improper thoughts,” I said.

“Are you Catholic by any chance?” Zacharias asked.

“What if I am?” I asked defensively.  “One of the premises that the human Alliance is built on is that we have the freedom to believe what we want.”

“There’s nothing wrong with believing in a myth, Miss Shepard,” Zacharias said.  “So long as it’s not the only thing you believe in.  After you.”

Thankfully we had arrived at the right place now.  The armoury was where they kept all combat gear and equipment and contained nine new recruits who were milling around nervously and not talking to each other.  I saw that the tall woman we had seen earlier was there, along with another, shorter woman with short red hair and freckles.

“Well, here we are,” Zacharias mumbled.  “Now what?”

As if in answer of his question, the door swung open and two senior students walked in.  “Welcome grunts,” the woman said.  “My name is Nina Ruben.”

“And I’m Liam Canning,” the man said.  “For the next year, we will be your king, your president and your god.  Our word is your command, and failure to obey will result in dire consequences for you.”

“But we are here to get to know you,” Nina said.  “I will call your name, and you will then sing the national anthem of your country of origin.  Your fellow grunts will try and guess which country the national anthem belongs to.  If someone gets it wrong, he does ten push-ups.  If someone gets it right, you do ten push-ups.  Ready?”

“This ought to be good,” Ash mumbled.  Most people knew the national anthems of their countries of origin, but not the national anthems of other countries apart from America, South Africa and England.

“Let’s get cracking,” Liam said.  He pulled a datapad from his pocket.  “Alenko, Kaidan,” he called.

A dark haired boy who was standing in the corner cleared his throat.  “’O Canada’,” he began.

“Canada,” we all chorused dully.

“Wait, let the man finish,” I mumbled to Ash.  “The lyrics might be, ‘O Canada, I love you, but this song ain’t for you.  I’m actually from Timbuktu.’”  Ash snorted.

“Drop for ten, Alenko,” Liam said.  He waited for Kaidan to finish before calling, “Chokovic, Mikhail.”

A pale blond boy stepped forward.  “Jeszcze Polska nie zginela,” he sang in a husky voice.  “Kiedy my zyjemy.  Co nam obca przemoc wziela, Szabla odbierzemy.”

“Russia,” a large, brutish boy called.

Mikhail shook his head and continued singing.  “Marsz, marsz, Dabrowski,” he sang as the other boy dropped for ten.  “Z ziemi wloskiej do Polski, Za twoim przewodem Zlaczym sie z narode…”

“For God’s sake, it’s Poland,” Nina said impatiently.  “He said Polska a number of times.  Everyone except Chokovic drop for ten for being imbeciles and for forcing me to listen to that crap.”

“Fredrich, Bridget,” Liam said when we’d all stood up again.

The big woman scowled.  “Deutschland, Deutschland über alles, Über alles in der Welt, Wenn es stehte zun Schutz und Trutze, Brüderlich zu sammen halt, Von der Maas bis an die Memel, Von der Etsch bis an den Belt, Deutschland, Deutschland über alles, Über alles in der We…,”

“Dutch,” Ash shouted.

Bridget shook her head.  “…lt,” she finished.

“Damn it,” Ash mumbled, dropping down.

“Deutsche Frauen, deutsche Treue Deutscher Wein und deutscher Sang,” Bridget continued.

“Switzerland,” the brutish boy bellowed excitedly.

Bridget sighed and shook her head.  The boy scowled and dropped down again.  “Sollen in der Welt behalzen Ihren alten schönen Klang,” she went on.

“Germany,” Zacharias said.

“Hallelujah,” Bridget mumbled, dropping down.

“Jones, Kyle,” Liam said.

“Australians,” a tall, mousey-haired boy started.

“Australia,” we all chorused dully.

Kyle sighed, and dropped down.

“Khan, Ismaeel,” Liam said, looking bored.

A short, stocky boy with dark skin and eyes cleared his throat nervously.  “Daa watan afghanistan do daa ezzat de har afghan di,” he sang.

“I think I heard an Afghanistan there,” Bridget said.  “I may be wrong though.”

“This group is a complete shambles,” Nina mumbled.  “At least last year it took five people before we got to Russia with me.”

Ismaeel dropped down for his ten push-ups.

“Kim, Suang,” Liam said.

An Asian boy dropped his head.  “Qilai! Buyuan zuo nuli de renmen,” he sang tunelessly.

“Japan,” the red head girl shouted. 

“Ba women de xuerou zhucheng women xin de changcheng,” Suang continued. 

“South Korea,” Kaidan called. 

“Zhonghua Minzu dao liao zui weixian de shihou,” Suang sang on. 

“North Korea,” Zacharias screeched.  We all sniggered as Suang shook his head again.

“Meigeren beipo zhe fachu zuihou de housheng,” Suang went on. 

“China,” I bellowed, getting into the swing of things. 

“Qilai! Qilai! Qil-oh shit, you’re right,” Suang said, dropping down.

“Now that’s what I’m talking about,” Nina said enthusiastically.

“Mahlberg, Sven,” Liam said.

The brutish boy grinned and opened his mouth.  “Du gamla, du fria, du fjällhöga Nord, du tysta, du glädjerika sköna!” he bellowed.  “Jag hälsar dig, vänaste land uppå jord”

“What the fuck?” I mumbled.

“Erm, Sweden?” Ismaeel suggested quietly.

“How did you know that?” Sven asked.

“Lucky guess,” Ismaeel said, shrugging. 

“Bastard,” Sven mumbled, dropping down.

“McDougal, Catlin,” Liam said, looking bored again.

The red-haired girl smiled and tossed her head.  “O Flower of Scotland, when will we see your like again, that fought and died for, your wee bit Hill and Glen,” she sang.

“Scotland,” Ash said.

“Your wee bit?” I asked.  “Seriously?  That’s gross.”

“I know, but the Scots loved this song once,” Catlin said.  “I’ll do ten pushups then, shall I?”

“Shepard, Jane,” Liam said.

I sighed and stepped forward.  “Oh, say! Can you see by the dawn's early light What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming; Whose broad stripes and bright stars, through the perilous fight, O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming? And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air, Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there: Oh, say! Does that star-spangled banner yet wave O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?” I sang.  I nudged Ash in the ribs.

“What?” she said.  “Oh, America.”

I sighed with relief and dropped down for ten.  My lungs ached a bit when I got up.

“Sonier, Pierre,” Liam said.

“llons enfants de la patrie,” a swarthy boy sang huskily.

“Japan,” Sven shouted.

“What the hell?” Ash asked in astonishment as Pierre shook his head. 

“Le jour de gloire est arriv?” Pierre continued.

“Indonesia,” Sven shouted, springing to his feet.

“Are you an idiot?” Pierre asked, shaking his head.  “Contre nous de la tyrannie.”

“Mexico,” Sven bellowed, springing to his feet.

“I’d help the poor man out, but this is way too entertaining,” Zacharias said in an undertone as Pierre shook his head and continued. 

“L'?tendard sanglant est lev?” he sang.

“Iceland,” Sven called.  Pierre closed his eyes in annoyance and shook his head.

“For Christ’s sake,” Suang said.  “It’s French you tit.”

“Oh,” Sven said, light dawning on his face.  “You mean he’s from the Congo?”

“Ok, I’m going to recommend you get made C6,” Nina said.  “Sonier, drop for ten please, and Mahlberg, I want twenty from you for being a moron.”

“Aye aye, ma’am,” Sven said, dropping down.  He must have been quite fit, because he didn’t seem at all winded when he stood up again. 

“Tobrin, Zacharias,” Liam said, grinning.

“Here goes nothing,” Zacharias said.  He opened his mouth.

“England,” I shouted.

“I beg your pardon, Shepard?” Liam asked.

“Oh, hadn’t he started yet?” I asked innocently, as everyone sniggered.  “I’m sorry, I’m psychic you see.”

“Me too,” Nina said.  “I can foretell that, unless you have a serious attitude change, you’re going to struggle here.  Give me fifteen, Shepard, and Tobrin, I want your ten.”

We both dropped for our push-ups.  I finished way before Zacharias.  “Come on, Tobrin, you just got beat by someone who is a quarter of your size,” Nina shouted.

“Sorry, ma’am,” Zacharias puffed.  “I think the fact that she weighs less than us is a benefit.  Less weight to push up.  Ten.”  He stood up with a groan.

“Williams, Ashley,” Liam said tiredly.

“Nko-,” Ash began.

“South Africa,” Zacharias and I said in unison.

Ash rolled her eyes and dropped down.

“And this is the best the Alliance has to offer us?” Nina asked rhetorically when Ash had finished.

“No, the best is probably in Pod 2,” Liam said.  “For some reason they always end up there.”

“Right, grunts,” Nina said.  “Now we have to do the tour.  We’ll go to your barracks so that you can drop your bags and shit off.  Why you insisted on bringing so much crap with is beyond me, since you will all be wearing khaki soon.  Which reminds me: you need to turn your omnitools in as they are completely useless around here.  The satellite links to most of the compound are blocked.”

The looks on my fellows’ faces were priceless.  “What?” Kaidan asked.

“You can’t take my omnitool away,” Mikhail said.  “I need it.”

“My omnitool is my whole life,” Catlin said hysterically.  “If you take it away, I die.”

“Please,” Bridget snapped.  “If your life revolves around a device which basically is used for navigation and sending emails, it’s a crappy life.”  She unstrapped her omnitool from her wrist and handed it out to Nina, who put into a box.  She moved on to Suang, who looked as though he was being forced to part with his right arm.  I hesitated when she came to me.

“Do I have to?” I asked pathetically.

“Yes, now get on with it,” she said impatiently.

“What if my brother tries to get hold of me?” I asked.

“He can do it through the faculty administration, who will, if they feel the message is urgent enough pass it onto you,” Nina said.  She shook the box in front of my nose.  I sighed and put my omnitool into the box.

We had to go outside to the Pod 3 bunker.  The moment I stepped outside, I started sweating.  I could hear the news broadcasts: ‘Sixteen year old Jane Shepard died bravely of heat stroke at Del Sol Academy a mere two hours after landing there.  It was later discovered that Shepard had lied to the recruitment officer about her height, weight and level of health.  A full inquiry will follow.’

The bunkers were typical army bunkers, low, stone and a horrible khaki colour.  Inside the rooms were shabby with mismatching furniture and peeling paint.

“This is the mess room where the catering corps will try to poison you,” Liam said, pointing through a doorway.  

“That’s the rec room,” Nina added, pointing at the door opposite.  “If you mess anything up in there, we have the right to court martial you for annoying an officer.”

“You aren’t officers,” Ismaeel pointed out.

“No, but we can make your life hell,” Nina said.

“The senior dorm,” Liam continued.  “Under no circumstances may you disturb us in there.  It’s our sanctuary away from the grunts.”

“Why do they keep calling us grunts?” Zacharias whispered as the seniors led us to our own dorm.

“When we drop for push-ups or duck behind something, we supposedly grunt because we aren’t trained in silence yet,” I replied in an undertone.  “It’s supposed to highlight our inexperience or something.”

“Oh,” Zacharias mumbled.  “Knew there was a good explanation for it.”

“And here we are,” Nina said, pushing a door open.  “The grunts’ nesting ground.”

We all crowded into the cramped dorm.  It contained six bunk-beds, a desk with a terminal on it, three arm chairs and a couch.  Next to each bunk-bed was a double locker.

“Well, it’s not much, but it’ll be your home for a year,” Liam said bracingly.  “If you don’t keep it tidy, you’ll all be forced to run drills for three hours, so keep it tidy.”

“No window?” Mikhail asked, looking around.

“What the hell do you want a window for?” Liam snapped.  “Don’t be stupid, boy.  The view here is shit anyway.”

“Find your beds,” Nina said.

What ensued in the next five minutes was a strange, shuffling kind of dance as we all tried to move around the dorm without crashing into each other.  Some were unsuccessful, and Sven and Kyle, our two tallest companions crashed frequently into furniture.  I eventually found my bed in the corner of the room.  Someone had written ‘Shepid’ in black felt-tip on the top locker next to the bunk.  The locker underneath had ‘Can’ written on it.

“The fuck?” Ash called from across the room.  “W-I-L-U-M-S?  Who wrote this?”

“Saunders,” Liam said.  “He’s dyslexic, can’t even spell his own name, which is problematic, since he’s N1.”

“I assume I’m Can then,” Ismaeel said, coming over.  He nodded at me.  “Shepard,” he said.  “I hope you aren’t a restless sleeper.”

“You’d better not snore, Khan,” I said.

“Only when I’m very tired,” he answered.

“Wonderful,” I muttered.

“Alright, shut up,” Nina shouted.  The chatter quietened down immediately.  “On your beds are your uniforms, toiletries, bedding, mess tins, and towels.  Get changed, make your beds and pack your stuff neatly into the lockers.  Prepare whatever personal affects you want to keep.  We’re going to our own dorm to prepare our beds.  We’ll be back in fifteen minutes, and if this room isn’t tidy, there’ll be hell to pay.”

They left the room.  “Well, they don’t waste time, do they?” Zacharias asked rhetorically.

I climbed onto the bunk and retrieved my uniform, which consisted of a white vest, a pair of heavy army boots, a green beret, a grey camouflage jacket and a pair of grey camouflage trousers. 

“Be warned, these probably won’t fit,” Catlin said.

“Who the fuck asked you?” Kaidan snapped.

“Well, my father is a marine, so I should know,” Catlin said in a superior tone.  “Daddy told me all about the academy.”

“Whoopdedoo,” Pierre said. 

“Look, why should any of us care what your father is?” Bridget asked.

“Because he’s told me about Del Sol,” Catlin said.  “Look, believe what you want, but people die in training.  There has never been a year where all seventy two recruits graduate.  If we want to survive, we need as much information as possible.”

“Isn’t it against the rules for us to share what goes on in training?” I asked.  “I mean obviously we can give out non-identifying features such as ‘We don’t eat a lot’ or ‘We run drills frequently and with varying degrees of intensity’, but to know exactly what’s happening…”

“Your father didn’t tell you anything about his training here, Shepard?” Catlin asked. 

“Nothing identifying as he was a stickler for protocol, and how the hell did you know my father was a marine?” I asked.

“My father and your father trained together,” Catlin said.  “Daddy talked about Jordan Shepard a lot.”

“Yeah, Dad never mentioned anyone by the name of McDougal,” I said dismissively.  “Look, I want to survive this academy, same as everyone else, but I also want to graduate, and being caught leaking classified information won’t allow for that.”

Catlin narrowed her eyes.  “Do you all feel that way?” she asked.  There were murmurs of assent.  “Alright, well then on your heads be it,” she said.  She started undressing.

“We’re going to have to watch that one,” Ismaeel mumbled.

“Looks like it,” I said.

Unfortunately Catlin was right, none of the clothing fit right, especially since the clothing sizes I had given at my interview were two sizes bigger than what I actually wore.  Once I’d dressed, I packed my spare uniform and my physical training clothes into the locker.  I hung the towel over the head of the bed and packed the toiletries into the locker.  The bunk swayed alarmingly as I made the bed and I prayed it wouldn’t collapse sometime in the middle of the night.  I had just prepared my datapad as my personal affect when Nina and Liam returned.

“Shit,” Zacharias shouted, hurrying to tie his bootlaces.

“Not bad,” Liam said.  “Tobrin, I’ll forgive you this time around.  If this happens again, you’ll be on an all night stand-to.”

“Yes sir,” Zacharias said.  “Thank you sir.”

“Do you have your personal affects prepared?” Nina asked.  Personal affects were something that recruits were allowed to keep in their dormitory that reminded them of home.  This item was treated as sacred by the recruit, and teasing someone over his personal affect was taboo, as was harming the personal affect in any way.

We were all silent as each of us had our personal affect checked in and signed.  Once the affect had been approved, we had to put all our other possessions that we had brought from home into a large crate for safe keeping until we graduated.  Some people’s personal affects were things like slippers, security blankets from when we were small, photograph from home.  Kaidan’s was a dress that he said belonged to his mother.  Ash’s was her mother’s wedding ring.  Catlin’s was a worn teddy bear.  Bridget’s was a photograph of her girlfriend, who was training in medicine on the Citadel.

“Shepard,” Liam said.

“I want to keep my datapad and earphones,” I said.  “It has photographs and videos of my family and all my books and music on it.”

“Let me see it,” Liam said.  I handed the pad to him.

“A Nexus model,” Nina said, typing it onto her datapad.  “How long have you had it?”

“Three years,” I said.

Liam read the serial number out to Nina and made sure that it couldn’t be connected to the extranet, then handed it back to me.

“Approved,” he said.

“Make your mark,” Nina said, handing me her datapad.  I typed in my security code, which deposited my personal watermark onto the document.  In the old days, when paper still existed, people used to have personal signatures which they made with a pen.  I’d never held a pen before.  I wondered what it was like to have a writing style that was completely your own.

“Alright, it’s lunch time now,” Liam said when Ash’s mother’s ring had been signed.  “After that, we need to take you to the command hall where the staff will address you.”

We grabbed our mess tins and followed Liam and Nina to the mess hall.  The senior students had already arrived and were in the process of being served their food when we walked in.  When they noticed us, they all started hissing, cat-calling and making strange barking sounds.  Nina and Liam joined in exuberantly. 

“Oh joy,” Bridget muttered.  We all dropped our heads in embarrassment.  All except Catlin, who smiled around at the seniors as though she enjoyed the attention.

We joined the queue to the food table.  Owing to obesity having been a big problem before the third world war, the new Alliance government had made strict changes with regards to diet.  Deep fried foods were completely phased out and foods with high fat content and little nutritional value (like chocolate, pizza and ice-cream) were sold at incredibly high prices.

They were even stricter about food in the army.  Food was prepared and shipped in from some mysterious place that no one knew the location of.  Seriously.  Ask any member of the catering corps where their base is, and they’ll probably blush and mumble about the information being classified.  Probably to stop disgruntled sergeants from ordering their men to bomb the place.  Anyway, once it’s been shipped to its final destination, other members of the catering corps sort the food into individual packages for each soldier.  The idea is that each package contains a serving of each food group that’s large enough to sustain the individual until the next meal, but too small to actually make a difference to the individual’s mass.  The serving sizes were determined by factors such as height and weight, and intensity of work (i.e., pilots would need less than artillery units since they pretty much spend their days sitting down).

My first lunch at the academy consisted of a cracker, a small tub of yoghurt, two thin slices of cheese, a slice of tomato, two lettuce leaves and an orange juice.  “Well, it’s a step up for you,” Ash said, looking over my shoulder.  My lunches on the Hugo Greyson consist of half a cracker, a yoghurt that was a quarter smaller, one slice of cheese, half a slice of tomato, and only one lettuce leaf.

“It’s cuz I lied about my height and weight,” I said.  “I see you are still getting two crackers.”

“The joys of being five foot seven,” Ash laughed.

We made our way to a table.  Before long we were joined by Zacharias, Kaidan, and to my horror, Catlin.  For some reason, I wasn’t sure why, I didn’t like that girl at all.

“Hello fellow grunts,” Zacharias said as Kaidan and Catlin joined us.  “We haven’t been formally introduced.  My name is Zacharias.  Most people call me Zac.”

“Call me Cat,” Catlin said.  “You know, C-A-T.”

Ash and I stared at her.  “Yeah, we got that,” I said cautiously.

“No, it’s actually an abbreviation,” Cat said.  “My name is Catlin Anna Tatum.  You know, Cat.”

“Right,” Ash said.  “You can call me Ah.  Ashley Hannah.”

Kaidan’s mouth hung open.  “Call me anything other than Kaidan and I’ll be forced to kill you,” he said slowly.  “Understood?”

“If you say so,” Ash shrugged.  “What happened to your forehead?”  She nodded at the long gash at his hairline.

He blushed.  “I-,” he began, raising a hand to the scar.

“Fuck me, you’re a biotic, aren’t you?” I said in a mixture of awe and horror, recognising the scar as being from when the implant had been inserted into his brain.

“Not just any biotic,” Zac said.  “That scar’s from a B12 implant.”

“How do you know that?” Ash asked in interest.

“I might not be a very good soldier, but there are some things I’m good at,” Zac said modestly.

“What’s a B12 doing here?” Cat asked.  “Do the admirals know you’re biotic?”

“Of course they know I’m biotic, they’d be stupid if they didn’t notice this scar and put two and two together,” Kaidan snapped angrily.

“So, why are you here and not at Grissom Academy?” I asked.  “Isn’t that where they train the biotics?”

“Mind your own business,” Kaidan snapped.

“Ooh, touchy,” Ash mumbled as Kaidan got up and stalked away.

“Are you sure he’s a B12?” I asked.

“I’m pretty sure he’s a B12,” Zac said.  “I might be wrong though.”

“Why would they allow a B12 here?” Cat wondered.  “Aren’t they dangerous?”

“Only to themselves,” Zac said, returning to his meal.

Biotics were always a touchy matter among humans.  When we’d travelled through the mass relay for the first time, we discovered a galaxy full of species with far better technology than our own, and we’d scrambled to compensate.  The asari and drell have natural biotic abilities that allowed them to use energy surrounding them to move matter (I had once watched a pretty decent movie about people and alien species who could do something similar).  We’d discovered that humans could have the same abilities if an implant was placed in a human’s prefrontal lobes.  The challenge was discovering which implant could be used that would not drive the biotic insane, and it was only twenty four years ago that we learnt how to do this with the B13 implant.  Everything before that, B1 through B12, drove the recipient mad.

“He can’t be B12,” I said forcibly.  “Those were discontinued twenty four years ago.  Alenko is sixteen, same as the rest of us.”

“Jane’s right,” Ash said.  “You must have miscalculated or something, Zac.”

“If you say so,” Zac shrugged.

..... 

The command hall was the least shabby room out of all the rooms on the academy.  It had a platform at the front, on which was assembled a group of Alliance officers.

“Guess those are our instructors,” Ash whispered, nodding at the group as we filed into our seats.  I noticed then that some of the people standing there were dressed in civilian clothing.

“Guess so,” I mumbled.  I glanced around at my fellow juniors from the other pods.

I was obviously the shortest person present, apart from one of the officers on the platform.  He wore the uniform of the Alliance Air force, and had a host of medals running down his blazer.  In fact, all the students were at least five inches taller than me and a great deal heavier.  N1 here I come, I thought.

Technically I had as much chance as the next person to make it N1.  However, the Alliance needed administration, and a small percentage of recruits had to go to N1.  Oh well, I thought.  I still did better than John to even make it here.

Admiral Greyling got up and made his way to the podium.  “Good afternoon,” he said and silence fell immediately.  “To our grunts, welcome.  And to our senior recruits, welcome back.  I trust that your break was good, that you took the opportunity to recuperate and gather your energies for the new year.  Before I welcome back our instructors, I would like to take this opportunity to say that our thoughts go with the recruits whose families were involved in the crash of the Hugo Grayson.  Senior Recruit Terrence Little of Pod 5 and Junior Recruit Ashley Williams of Pod 3 lost their fathers in the accident, and Junior Recruit Jane Shepard of Pod 3 lost her mother, father, brother and sister in the accident.  Let’s take a moment of silence for Little, Williams and Shepard’s families, and for the families of all the victims.”

My face flushed as the eyes of everyone in my pod turned to me.  I bowed my head and worked on keeping my face neutral.

“Thank you,” Admiral Greyling said.  “We hope that the families find solace.  Now, let us welcome our instructors back.  Firstly, I will once again be training you all in weapons and armoury.”  He acknowledged the lukewarm applause he received.  It seemed that Admiral Greyling was not popular with the recruits.

“Damn it, that man is so good looking,” Ash said as he saluted.

“Are we allowed to have relations with our superiors?” I asked, amused.

“Probably not,” Ash mumbled sulkily.

“Admiral Brawne will be training the juniors in combat and the seniors in combat tactics.”  Admiral Brawne saluted us as we applauded him.

“Is it just me or is hair darker?” Ash whispered in my ear.  Actually his hair did seem darker.

“Vanity is very unattractive in a soldier,” I whispered back and we both sniggered.

“Admiral Hackett will be teaching you all in reconnaissance,” Admiral Greyling said.  “Commander Anderson will be returning again to train you all in fitness and the seniors in specialised missions.”  There were loud cheers from the seniors as a dark-skinned, burly man saluted.

“He’s popular,” I said. 

“Isn’t he the hero from the First Contact War?” Ash whispered.  The First Contact War was our war with the turians, which had only ended about twenty years ago.  “He was in command of the main squad that reclaimed Shanxi.”

“Commander McDougal will be teaching the seniors and juniors in communication,” Admiral Greyling said.  A red-haired man saluted.

“Seriously?” Ash asked, watching with a sickened expression as Cat gleefully cheered her father.

“Flight-Lieutenant Morreau will be training the juniors in shuttle flying,” Admiral Greyling went on.  The short man winced as he straightened and painfully raised his hand to his forehead.  The seniors cheered loudly.

“What’s wrong with him, do you suppose?” Ash asked me.

I shrugged.  “Don’t know,” I said.  “It looks painful, whatever it is.”

“Staff-Lieutenant Rabinsky will be training the seniors in explosives,” Admiral Greyling said.

“I’m hungry,” Ash complained.  “When’s dinner, do you suppose?”

“Are you joking?” I hissed.  “We just had lunch.  We’ll probably have a guided tour or something before dinner.”

“Crap,” Ash mumbled, as Admiral Greyling introduced other instructors who would be teaching us things such as Alien Culture and Technology.  “I’d gotten used to civilian food.  Now I have to accept the fact that I’m gonna spend the next two years eating army food again.”

“Well, no one asked you to come along,” I said venomously.

“Ja, ja, I know,” Ash said.  “This is all my fault.”

“Yep, that it is,” I said.

“And finally with regards to your training,” Admiral Greyling said in conclusion.  “I am very excited to announce that we have managed to get you a good guest lecturer during endurance week.  Spectre Saren Arterus will be here for two days to tell us all about the Spectres.”

An excited whisper ran through the hall.  Spectre stood for Special Tactics and Reconnaissance, and they were the galaxy’s intelligence group.  People from all species could be a Spectre, but the catch was that you had to be invited by the Council.  So far the Spectres consisted mostly of turians and asari, with the occasional salarian and batarian thrown in for luck.  So far the drell, vorcha, volus, yahg, krogan, Collectors, quarian and humans were yet to have anyone join their ranks.

“Wow,” Zac hissed at us over Suang who was sitting on my other side.  “A Spectre.  I’ve never seen one before.”

“You’re joking,” I said.

“We don’t really get a lot of cause for the Council to send spies to London,” Zac said.

“Of course not,” Ash said.  “Not much happens there anymore.”

“In a totally unrelated matter, I’m pleased to announce that we have a new addition to our staff,” Admiral Greyling went on when the chatter had died down.  “Elizabeth Fischer is a social work student from the Alliance Open University.  She is in her third year and has been placed here for her practical.  Ms Fischer, do you maybe want to say a few words about your role here?”

Elizabeth Fischer seemed out of place among all the soldiers.  She was very neatly dressed in a dark blue skirt, a white shirt and a pair of black, high-heeled boots.  She was very tall for a woman, with a curvy figure, long, brown hair, incredibly pale skin and blue eyes.

“Thank you, Admiral Greyling,” Elizabeth said.  “Um, I’m a third year from the Alliance Open University, as Admiral Greyling just said.  I’ve been placed here for the year to do my practical experience.  My office hours are Mondays from eight to five, so if you have something you need to talk over, feel free to come over.  I’m in the main building.”

There was loud chatter in the hall when she sat down.  “That’s one MILF,” one of the senior boys mumbled behind me.

“You’re such a dick, Giovani,” I heard Nina snap.

“Thank you, Ms Fischer,” Admiral Greyling said.  “Recruits, please take Ms Fischer seriously.  If you’re experiencing any trouble whatsoever, please go to her.  Burnout is a very serious problem and we don’t want you to burnout before you’ve even finished your training.” 

“Of course, once you’ve finished your training you can go as psycho as you like,” I mumbled.

“Now, a few important dates: the hand-to-hand competition will take place on October 28.  The senior marksmanship competition will take place from November 20 to November 27.  The junior competition will be from December 20 to December 27.  The December week will be from December 27 to January 3.  The endurance competition is on February 17.  The roundrobin will be from April 1 to May 14.  The mastery competition will be from May 30 to June 6.  The final examinations will start on July 12 and will end on July 30.  The August holiday starts on August 1 and ends on August 31.  Please remember these dates and train hard in advance.”  He smiled benignly around at us.  “I think that’s it,” he said.  “Off you go now to your rec rooms for the review of the academy’s rules.”

There was a loud scraping of chairs as we got up.  “What the hell do those competitions mean?” Ash asked.

“Well, endurance, marksmanship and hand-to-hand is pretty self-explanatory,” I said.

“Ja,” Ash said and shuddered.  “Hope I don’t go against Mahlberg in the hand-to-hand.  He’d murder me.”

An incredibly fair woman was waiting for us in the rec room.  “My name is Marika and I’m your pod warden,” she said.  “Sit down so that I can read you the academy rules.”

I settled myself on the couch between Kyle and Ash.  The rules consisted of very long, boring clauses regarding bunking out, fraternizing and the improper use of weapons.  I felt myself dosing off and Ash nudged me awake as Marika said, “I hope you take these rules to heart, as the fallout should you disobey will be huge.  Now it’s time to watch the news.”

‘Propaganda hour’, as Jean and I had dubbed it, was compulsory to everyone who was not actively working for the betterment of the Alliance (which tended to mean shooting aliens for the good of humanity).  It basically consisted of various members of the Alliance talking about the colonies and our progress in the various minor conflicts we were involved in.  I dozed off again.  It had been a long journey…

Ash woke me up again at the end of Propaganda hour and we went to dinner, which consisted of a spoonful of smash, a couple of slices of bully beef, a cup of tea, a couple of strips of dried fruit and a cup of custard and jelly.  After that we were sent to our rooms to prepare for bed.

..... 

After everyone had fallen asleep, I got my datapad out, plugged my earphones in and opened the videos.  There were hundreds of videos on the datapad, all documenting important moments of my life.  Jean and Jane’s first birthday.  Jean and Jane’s fourth birthday.  The first time Jane fired a gun (age five).  Jane’s black belt grading.  Finally I found the video I was looking for: Christmas, 2176.  We had spent the day in a hotel room on Illium.  I pulled the blanket over my head and pressed play.

Jean was holding the vidcam.  “Heya,” her voice said.  “This is the amazingly talented and beautiful Jean Shepard here on December 25, 2176, the day Jesus was born.  We’ve all opened our presents and…” she turned the camera to face her and smiled widely at it.  “…this is the face of someone who got what she asked for from Santa.”

Tears rolled down my face.  Jean turned the camera to face forward again.  “Of course, this is Ms Jane Shepard,” she said, moving forwards.  “Who’s like us, Janey?”

I looked up from my datapad where I’d been reading a book and flashed a grin at her.  “Damn few, Jean,” I said.  “And their all dead.”

“That’s what I like to hear,” Jean said in Dad’s tone.  We giggled.  “What did Santa give you, Janey?”

“A hamster,” I answered.  “Marvin the Marvellous.”

“Marvin the Marvellous?” John’s voice asked.  “Really Titch?”

“Why, what the bloody hell did Santa get you?” I asked, throwing half-a-glance at Dad.

“Ah yes, John Shepard has returned,” Jean said dramatically.  “Here, Janey take this, I want to record this moment.”

The camera shook as she handed it to me.  I raised it to show Jean and John standing together.  In the background I could see my parents setting the table and Jason, working on the terminal in the corner of the room.

I hit pause and stuffed my fist in my mouth to muffle my sobs as I watched my family, frozen in time, their faces stretched with happiness.


	4. Chapter three: September: orientation

The next morning I was woken up by a loud, insistent siren.  I sat up, not knowing exactly where I was.  “What the fuck?” I heard someone exclaim.  Someone else groaned.

“What the hell is the time?” someone else asked.

“It’s five fifteen,” Ismaeel said.  He’d asked to keep his great grandfather’s watch as his personal affect.

“This had better be a joke, we haven’t started training yet,” Ash muttered.

The door flew open and the light switch was flicked on.  “Good morning my little gruntlings,” Nina said happily.  No one had the right to be happy so early in the morning, I decided.

“I don’t know why you’re still in bed,” Liam commented.  “You need to be in the showers right now.  Come on, move it.”

We grumbled and groaned as we climbed out of bed and picked up our toiletries and towels and made our way to the showers.  I groaned when I saw that the bathrooms were unisex.  I was already having trouble stripping to my underwear in front of my (mostly male) pod, but now I’d have to show everyone my boob-less state.

“Sleep alright?” Ash asked me in an undertone, pulling her vest off.  We had not been issued pyjamas and had all slept in our underclothes.

“Guess so,” I said.  In reality my night had been plagued by dreams of being lost in a forest, trying to find a way out.  “You?”

“Ja I suppose,” Ash said.  “You need to get undressed to shower, you know.”

I sighed.  Everyone seemed to be avoiding everyone else’s eye in any case.  Just to be safe, I crossed my arms over my chest as soon as my vest came off.

“You’re quite flat-chested, aren’t you?” Cat said, coming over to me.

“I’m actually a hermaphrodite,” I said.  “I have female genitalia, but a male chest.”

“Why are you being such a bitch?” Cat asked.

“You started it,” I shrugged, turning back to Ash.

“You should be careful,” Kaidan, who was standing close to us, said in a low voice once Cat had gotten into a shower stall.

“Pardon?” I asked.

“That girl’s trouble,” Kaidan said softly.  “We were on the same shuttle over from Seattle.  If half of what she says is true, she’s very good.  She’s a lot bigger than you and her father’s one of the instructors here.  She could make your life miserable.”

“Because I have no idea what that’s like,” I snapped.  “Who asked you anyway?”

“No one,” Kaidan said.  “I was just saying.”

“Well, mind your own business then,” I said rudely.  I guess the lack of sleep was getting to me.

The shower didn’t have any hot water.  I washed as quickly as possible, hopped out and dried myself vigorously. 

Breakfast consisted of a tiny bowl of porridge, an equally tiny bowl of tinned fruit salad and a cup of coffee.  “Are you sure we aren’t at a weight-watchers convention?” Bridget asked gloomily, turning the lumpy porridge over with her spoon.

“You get used to it, believe me,” I said.  “I’ve been eating this crap my entire life.”

“Poor you,” Bridget mumbled.

“You a spacer aren’t you?” Mikhail asked.

“Yeah,” I said.  “Grew up on the Hugo Grayson.”

There was an awkward silence.  “Sorry about your family,” Bridget said after a pause.

I shrugged.  “Yeah,” I said.  “Thanks.”  To be honest I didn’t want to talk about it.  Thankfully Nina arrived at our table at that moment.

“As soon as you’re done here, you need to visit the barber to have your hair cut,” she told us.  “Boys need to be close cropped, short back and sides.  Girls need to be at most two inches below shoulder length.”

“You can’t cut my hair,” Ash said in outrage.  “I’ve spent three years getting it the perfect length.”

“Ash, let it go,” I said.  “We all have to make our sacrifices for the good of humanity.  Your hair will grow back.”

“Are you two together?” Bridget asked.  “Because you guys are really confusing my gaydar at the moment.”

“No, we’ve just known each other since we were twelve,” Ash said.  “You’ve a girlfriend, right?”

“Yeah,” Bridget said.  “We went to school together.  She’s studying medicine at Huerta Memorial Hospital on the Citadel.”

“How long you been together?” Mikhail asked.

“Year and a half now,” Bridget said.

“You gonna marry her?” Mikhail asked interestedly.

“How the fuck should I know?” Bridget asked.  “I’m eighteen, I’m not nearly old enough to be deciding these things.  Why, you gonna marry your girl?”

Mikhail shrugged.  “Maybe one day,” he said.

“Well, congratulations to you then,” Bridget mumbled.  I decided that Bridget’s brand of sarcasm matched my brand of sarcasm perfectly.

..... 

The barber had to be the oldest man alive.  We all sat on a line of chairs in his office as he led us to the barber’s chair (maybe I was being morbid, but for some reason the chair reminded me of a medieval torture contraption), to have our physical attractiveness reduced by up to fifty per cent.

“I’m pretty sure that man is blind,” Zac whispered as we watched the barber shave Kaidan’s head.

“It’s a distinct possibility,” I replied.  “Have you ever watched Sweeney Todd?”

“Is that a TV series?” Zac asked.

“A movie,” I corrected.  “And a theatre production before that.  It’s about this barber in London that goes around slitting people’s throats and then baking them in pies.”

“That’s disgusting,” Suang whispered.

“Yeah, anyway, ever since then I’ve had this fear of barbers,” I went on.  “So, if I have a panic attack, I don’t know, slap me through the face or something.”

“You have a panic disorder?” Suang asked interestedly.

“Shut up,” I hissed.  That sort of rumour would mark me as a weakling if it got out and I would suffer for it.  “And no, I don’t.”

“If you say so,” Suang mumbled.

I sat in silence until it was my turn to sit in the torture contraption.

“So, I was wondering if you could trim it and maybe redo the highlights,” I said to the barber.  “Also, I’m thinking bangs.”

“Hello,” the barber said.  “A grunt with a smart mouth.  Where did they find you, love?”

“They shook a tree and I fell out,” I said.

The barber laughed.  “You keep that sense of humour, grunt,” he said.  “You’re going to need it.”

“So, where do barbers train?” I asked as he snipped at my hair.  “Is there some sort of academy out in the galaxy that teaches y’all to make unfortunate soldiers look as ugly as possible?”

“Yeah, out on Terra Nova actually,” the barber answered, snipping away.

I could picture it: the barber CO with officer stripes and medals down his apron standing in front of a line of barber privates who held a pair of scissors and had a wig standing in front of them.  “Barbers of the Fourth Heavy Brigade, present arms,” the CO would shout.

The barbers would hold their scissors out in front of them.  “Now…cut,” the CO would order, and the barbers would all step forward and starting cutting the wigs’ hair.

“Remember, the more disfiguring the better,” the CO would shout.  “Johnston, that hairdo is too fashionable, this is the army, not the red carpet.”

“Huh,” I said to the barber.  “I think I’d like to see that.”

“It’s quite fun,” the barber agreed.  “Not as fun as watching grunts duck behind rocks as the seniors shoot at them for moving target practice.”

“No, I’m looking forward to seeing that too, especially since you need to be a crack shot to be able to hit me at anything further than fifty yards,” I said.

“Very good, grunt,” the barber said.  He undid the apron around my neck.  I prepared myself for the killing blow.

“I’m done,” he said.

“Oh, good,” I said.

“You watched Sweeney Todd didn’t you?” the barber asked amused.

“No, of course not,” I lied quickly, hopping down from the chair.

“Your hair actually looks quite nice,” Ash, whose hair had been cut along a skew line, said enviously. 

“Oh, he’s quite reasonable once you get to know him,” I said nonchalantly.  “Where do we go to now?”

“The girls are headed to the med bay to pick up their birth control tablets, and the boys are headed for a talk on sexism and the consequences of it in this place,” Nina said boredly.

Birth control?  Shit. 

“Ash, we have a problem,” I hissed. 

“What is it?” Ash asked, noting the alarm in my voice.

“We’re going to get birth control pills,” I said in a tense voice.

“So?” Ash asked.  “It’s to stop us from falling pregnant whilst serving in the army.  I hear shore leave’s a blast.”

“Yes, but the first thing they ask you before giving you your pill is whether you’re on any other medication,” I hissed in panic, sounding like some weird vorcha who looks in the mirror for the first time.  “When they asked me at my medical exam before my interview I lied and said that I wasn’t on any, but I don’t exactly want to die because my asthma medication interferes with my birth control.”

“Ok, calm down,” Ash said.  “Your medication is used for hay fever too, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” I said, nodding fervently. 

“Well, then just say you’re taking the medication for your hay fever,” Ash said, rolling her eyes.  “And please stop with the hysteria, it doesn’t suit you.”

“Right,” I said.  “Thanks Ash.”

“It’s what I’m here for,” Ash said.  “That and to look hot.  Talking of which, how is it that your parents were allowed to have four children whilst on active duty?”

“The Alliance is willing to bend the rules for officers, but you have to write a long-ass letter of motivation to the Joint Military Council,” I said.  I had tried on numerous occasions to imagine what this letter would have said. ‘Dear Alliance, my wife and I would like to ask permission to fornicate without the aid of contraceptive devices, as 1) it is against the Catholic faith, and 2) because we want to pass on our midget genes for the benefit of the human race.  You see, I am five foot five and my wife is five foot and short people deserve a chance too.  Yours in anticipation, Jordan Shepard (Lt, N3, Executive Officer of Commander Williams, Hugo Grayson, SRV), and Jin Shepard (nee Li, FLt, F4, Pilot of Hugo Grayson, SRV).’

As if she had read my mind, Ash said, “Isn’t it against the Catholic faith to take contraceptives?”

“Yeah, but humanity is long past making considerations for people’s religions,” I said, shrugging.

Religion was actually a touchy subject amongst humanity.  There had been a time when people had defined themselves solely by their religions, but then a series of minor wars before the third world war had been declared in the name of religion and people had become disillusioned.  Due to this, more and more people were leaving active religion, instead defining themselves as agnostic or atheist.  Very few people nowadays defined themselves by any religion.

Nina overheard me.  “You religious, Shepard?” she asked.

“Yes, ma’am,” I said.

“Hm,” she said.  “Me too.  I need to remember to ask if anyone else in this pod is, so that we can make provisions for you.  I’m Jewish.  What about you?”

“I’m Christian, ma’am,” I said.  “Catholic.”

The thing that was hilariously ironic about humanity turning its back on religion was that those that were still religious had developed a sort of solidarity amongst each other.  I had once had a conversation with a Muslim guy on Shanxi.

“Yeah, I’m Muslim,” he had said. 

“Yeah?” I had asked.  “I’m Catholic.  We pray on Sundays.”

“We pray on Friday afternoons,” the guy (his name was Mahmoud) had said.  “I’m also not allowed to drink alcohol or eat pork.”

“Go figure,” I said.  “We’re not allowed to eat red meat on Fridays and we drink wine in the middle of our service.”

We were silent for a bit.  “Being religious is a bitch,” Mahmoud said.  “I mean, the rest of the world doesn’t understand that, just because we call Him different names, we believe in the same thing.”

“Yeah,” I said.

“I mean,” Mahmoud continued.  He was on a roll now, and I was sort of wishing I had not engaged in this conversation.  “I call him Allah, you call him God.  Your prophet is Jesus, ours is Mohammad. ”

Anyway, the dissolving of religion due to intolerance had led to an increase of tolerance among the religious.  That’s my point.  Make from it what you want.

..... 

I was beat over the head by the heat again when we went outside.  The sun had only just risen and I was already perspiring.  “Holy crap, my personal affect should have been sun screen,” Ash said.  “How are they going to make us run drills in this weather?”

“I think the threat of multiple push-ups should do the trick very nicely, Williams,” Nina said.  “A word of caution, because this actually freaked me out a bit last year.  The med is going to ask you a lot of very personal questions which will probably make you quite uncomfortable.  Just pretend that the others aren’t here and you should be ok.”

“Do I have to do this?” Bridget asked.  “I’m lesbian.  The chances of me making a baby with my girlfriend are slim to none.”

“Not all babies are made from consensual sex, Fredrich,” Nina said tiredly.  “Look, this is as awkward for me.  Do you think I want to know that doggy style is your favourite position when I’m ordering you to shoot someone?”

“It’s the Pill,” Ash said incredulously.  “Why does the med need to know what our favourite position is?”

“Breaking us down to build us up, Ash,” I said. 

“Well, that’s the reason for the awkward questions, but the Pill is actually important,” Nina said.  “Del Sol provides the most demanding training in the entire galaxy, so sex is a good stress reliever.  Fornication is considered a breach of protocol though, so you’re in big trouble if you fall pregnant.  Maybe if you had a good position in the marines, they’d look after you, but as recruits, we’d be chucked into prison faster than a krogan falls on a salarian.”

The med bay was brightly lit and very clean.  I wondered exactly how they managed this when we were in the middle of a desert.  The medic was an older, balding man with very wrinkled skin and a jowly neck.

“Ah, Ruben,” the med said in a quivery voice.  Nina sprang to attention and the rest of us followed suit.  “These the grunts?”

“Yes sir,” Nina said smartly.

“Good good,” the med said.  “Come to fetch their contraceptive pills have they?”

“Yes sir,” Nina repeated.

“Is the pill still working for you, Ruben?” the med asked.

“It is, sir,” Nina said.

“And your boyfriend, still enjoying relations with him?” the med asked, opening his datapad.

“Well, not exactly sir, you see we broke up,” Nina said, her face expressionless.  “He…didn’t deal well with the separation.”

“Oh?” the med asked interestedly.  She nodded.  “And you, are you still in favour of the rear spear?”

Nina didn’t change her expression at all.  “Yes sir,” was all she said.

Oh God.  I felt myself flush.

“Very well then, let us get to it,” the med said.  “Who is Fredrich?”

Bridget sighed audibly.  “Here, sir,” she said.

“You’re eighteen, am I correct?” the med asked.  “Enlisted slightly late, didn’t we?”

“Yes sir,” Bridget said.

“On any chronic medication?”

“No sir,” Bridget answered.

“Good,” the med said.  “Now, what size bra do you wear?”

Bridget blushed a deep crimson colour.  “Um, 36 double D,” she muttered.

Four jaws hit the ground.  “Wow,” Ash mumbled.  “Send some my way.”

“Yes,” the med said.  “You are certainly very lucky in that department.”

“Sir, can I go?” Nina interrupted.  “I have…things to do.”

“Ruben, you are these women’s commanding officer,” the med said.  “You need to stay with them.”

Nina ground her teeth and mumbled something under her breath.

“When did you start menstruating?” the med asked.

“When I was twelve and a half,” Bridget said.

“Regular periods?”

“Yes sir,” Bridget said.  “Last one was three weeks ago.”

“Good,” the med said.  “And when did you lose your virginity?”

Bridget looked down at the ground.  “When I was fourteen,” she said in a rush.

“Favourite position?” the med asked.

“I’m lesbian,” Bridget said desperately.

“Lesbians have different positions too,” the med said.  “Answer the question.”

Bridget’s face was as scarlet as the setting sun, and I felt a slight rush of pity for her.  Not quite enough to overshadow my own feelings of unease, but enough worth mentioning. 

“Erm, I like scissoring, sir,” she mumbled.

The med nodded and moved on to Cat.  I ducked my head, my ears burning.  At that moment I seriously hated my parents for forcing me into this torture.  I was caught up in vengeful thoughts and didn’t hear the medic call my name.

“Jane,” Ash hissed, nudging me in the ribs.

I sprang beautifully to attention.  “Yes sir,” I said.

“Are you sure you’re old enough for this?” the med asked. 

“Probably not sir,” I said.  “Can I leave?”

“Very good, Shepard, very good,” the med said genially.  “Now tell me, you are sixteen?”

“Yes sir,” I said.

“Any chronic medication?”

“Yes sir,” I said.  “Um I take leukotriene for hay fever.  Sometimes when it’s really bad I take SABA.  I also take antihistamines for my egg allergy.”

“I see about the egg allergy, but your file doesn’t say anything about taking medication for it,” the med said.

“Yeah, um, I only started taking the medication a month before I came here,” I said.

“Ah,” the med mumbled and typed a few things into the datapad.  “Now then, bra size.”

I blushed tomato red.  “Um, 26 A,” I mumbled very quickly.  Cat gave a soft cough and I glared at her.

“When did you begin menstruating?” the med asked.

Get it back, Jane, get it back.  “Yesterday morning,” I said, trying to bring my face’s temperature down before it caught fire.

The med sighed.  “At what age?” he asked.

“Oh, I was thirteen…I think,” I said.  “Honestly, I don’t know.  My sister kept track of these things.  I usually just lost things.  You know, I once lost my pet fish.  Still not sure what happened to it.”

The med closed his eyes and then opened them again.  “Shepard,” he said.  “Don’t try my patience.”  
“Sorry sir,” I said.

“When did you lose your virginity?” he asked.

My temperature dropping skills weren’t working.  My face burnt even hotter.  “I’m still a virgin,” I said in a rush.

“Pardon me?” the med asked silkily.

“I said I’m still a virgin,” I repeated loudly.

“Men just not into…smaller women anymore?” he asked.

“I guess not,” I said. 

“Not like my day anymore then, is it?” the med asked.

I pressed my lips together and said nothing.

“I believe it’s quite normal for a sixteen year old to have no sexual experience, sir,” Nina said in a low voice.

“Who asked you, Recruit Ruben?” the med asked coldly.  He turned back to me.  “Do you masturbate, Shepard?”

I hated him.  I wanted to stuff his datapad down his throat.  “No, sir,” I said, my voice icy.  “Do you masturbate when you think of us and our favourite positions?”

His mouth opened, no doubt to lay it on me.  Nina grabbed my arm.  “Shepard, outside,” she snapped.  “Now.”

She dragged me out into the corridor.  “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” she said angrily.  “It’s your second day, do you really want to be put on a charge already?”

“How can he get away with this crap?” I said heatedly.

“News flash, Shepard, this is the army,” Nina snapped.  “He’s your superior, he can get away with anything.”  She took a deep breath and seemed to collect herself.  “I like you, Shepard,” she said.  “You seem to be a bright kid.  But keep up this behaviour and the COs will make your life a living hell.  You’re already two steps behind the others because you’re a spacer.  You know the rules, you know what army life is really like, and they will look for any chance to break you.”

“So you’re saying I must just let them say what they want to me, let them walk all over me?” I asked angrily.

“Yes,” Nina said.  “For now anyway.  Look, when I first started here, there was a guy in Pod 1 who had a smart mouth, same as you.  One day he got smart to the wrong admiral, who put him on a charge and made him stand outside on guard duty for two days and two nights.  By the end of it, he was delirious and he spent two weeks in hospital.  When he came back, he was the perfect soldier.  They’d broken him and he never got smart to anyone ever again.  Do you understand what I’m saying, Shepard?”

“I-,” I began.

“I said, ‘Do you understand me Shepard?” Nina repeated dangerously.

I hesitated.  “Yes ma’am,” I said.

“Good,” Nina said.  “Now go inside and apologise to Dr Du Pre for your insubordination.”

“Aye aye ma’am,” I said.

The med was busy talking to Ash when we went back inside.  “I want to apologise to you, sir, for my insubordination and assure you it won’t happen again,” I said.

The med frowned.  “To right it won’t grunt,” he said.  “If it does I’ll put you on a charge.  The only reason I’m letting you get away with this is because you’ve only started.”

“Thank you, sir,” I said.  I added a salute in for good measure.  Men with egos need that sort of thing.

 .....

After the med bay, Nina and Liam took us to meet our instructors.  Basically the way things worked was that we’d spend two hours every day for a week with our non-theory instructors, where they’d teach us certain skills.  At the end of the week they’d assess our abilities, then set up a plan for us to reach the level that they wanted us at.  We would then be left to our own devices for six weeks, after which they’d return and assess again, modifying our training plans to accommodate our improvements.  Then they disappeared for six weeks again.  The unfortunate thing was, when planning our training hours, they never took into account our other instructors’ demands.  It was very possible for a recruit to be given an eighteen hour day, not counting meal times.

The first place we were taken to was the gymnasium, to meet first with Admiral Brawne, and then Commander Anderson.

“Good morning, grunts,” Admiral Brawne said.  “And welcome to my combat class.”

“Good morning, sir,” we all mumbled.

“That isn’t very enthusiastic,” Admiral Brawne said.  I think he was trying to sound stern.  All he sounded was more mechanical.  “I just met with Pod 2 and they were far happier to be here.  Never mind, I’m sure that Ruben and Canning can tell you that Pod 3 has not yet produced anyone over an N2 designation.”

“What a dick,” Ash whispered in outrage as Nina grimaced and Liam looked at the ground.

“Now, I will basically be training you how to react in a combat situation,” Admiral Brawne said.  “I will tell you which opponents you should take out first, what to do if someone is trying to take you out and where to place you strategically according to your strengths and weaknesses.  This means that I will be in communication with both Admiral Greyling and Commander Anderson, as they will monitor your fitness level and weapons ability.  I will also be teaching you basic hand-to-hand combat.  How many of you have any ability in hand-to-hand combat?”  Ash, Sven, Cat and I raised our hands.  “Good,” Admiral Brawne said.  “People say that marines are basically riflemen, but you sometimes need to get up close and personal with your opponents.  What are your skills?”

“I boxed,” Sven said simply.  Of course he did.

“I have a brown belt in judo,” Cat said.

“I have a green belt in karate,” Ash said.

“I have a black belt in karate,” I mumbled.

“You do?” Admiral Brawne asked, impressed.  “Well well, that will come in useful.  Perhaps you’ll be able to help your fellows then.”

“Yeah,” I said unenthusiastically.  “Perhaps.”

“So, your first six weeks will pretty much consist of working through scenarios,” Admiral Brawne went on.  “We’ll meet for the first time on Monday at 0500 hours, where I’ll teach you how to read battle situations.  You and Pod 4 will be sharing a slot with me.  On Sunday I’ll give you your own training regimens.”

“Thank you for taking the time to speak to our recruits, sir,” Nina said, saluting smartly.  “I’m sure they look forward to their sessions with you.”

“Not a fuck,” Zac mumbled.  “I do not look forward to being told where to shoot by a bloody synthetic.”

“Alright, can we please calm down with the racism?” Ash asked.  “We don’t know that he’s a synthetic.”

“Well, either he’s a synthetic, or he has a terrible plastic surgeon that’s somehow made him look more robotic than human,” I mumbled as Admiral Brawne exited the gymnasium.  “Not a good look.”

Commander Anderson was a different story.  Short and muscular, he bore the appearance of someone who was still on active duty.  All the juniors met him at the same time.  The seniors had given him a warm welcome at the assembly the previous day, so I assumed that he was at the very least pleasant.

He walked in, glared at us and said, “Right, shut up.”

Or not.

“My name is David Anderson,” he said.  “I’ve served with the marines for twenty years.  I’ll be your fitness instructor, which means that for two long years, I’ll be the bane of your existence.  I’ll make you hate me and I fully expect one of you to try to kill me before the year is out.  Just so you know, I’m fine with that and I really don’t give a crap what any of you think.”

“Wow,” I murmured.  “I’m getting a strange kind of respect for this man.”

“Now, all the instructors will tell you that their programme is the hardest,” Commander Anderson went on.  “I’m here to tell you that they’re wrong.  With me, I expect nothing short of perfection.  I expect you to step out of your comfort zone and work until you can’t anymore, and when you reach that stage, I expect you to work harder.  I don’t accept complaints, I don’t accept excuses, I don’t accept ‘but Sir, I’m menstruating’, or ‘Sir, my balls hurt’.  My answer to that is suck it up, and then suck it up some more.  Stay on my good side and I’ll look out for you, but get on my bad side and you’ll wish you’d rather stayed in your warm apartment with the nice food out on your comfy home colony.  Is that clear?”

“Yes sir,” we chorused loudly.

“On top of my fitness hours that I give you, I expect you all to do additional training,” Commander Anderson went on.  “I don’t mind what it is: when I was a grunt my additional training was shadow boxing.  You’ll be expected to do six hours of this training a week, and my homework for you is to spend tonight and tomorrow thinking about what your training will be, as you’ll be telling it to me on Monday.  We’ll be seeing each other two hours a day from Monday for seven days where I’ll be assessing you.  You know the deal.  I’ll see Pod 1 and Pod 2 from 0500 to 0700, Pod 3 and Pod 4 from 0800 to 1000, and Pod 5 and Pod 6 from 1000 to 1200.  Any questions?”

“Yes sir,” Ash said, waving her hand.  “When you say any additional training, can that include dancing?”

“We have the facilities for that, yes,” Commander Anderson said.  “We have facilities for nearly anything: weight lifting, cardio, gymnastics, boxing, swimming.  I’ll veto anything that we can’t feasibly do.  Anything else?” We shook our heads.  “Then have a good last two days of orientation, and I’ll see you all on Monday.”  He saluted us, which we clumsily returned.

“I think I’m either gonna love that man or hate him,” Suang murmured when Commander Anderson had left.

“He’s brilliant,” Nina said enthusiastically.  “He’s…well, you’ll see.”

“And he’s teaching the command students suicide missions in December,” Liam added.  “How to survive them and stuff.”

“Dear God, these are the people who hold our lives in their hands?” Bridget mumbled.

..... 

After lunch we met with Admiral Greyling on the shooting range.  I was actually quite excited for these classes as I felt this was the one area where I’d excel.  “Good afternoon grunts,” he said as we gathered near the bulls-eye targets.

“Good afternoon sir,” we said.  Ash and Cat both attempted to flip their hair (it looked rather funny, Ash’s hair was tied back in a standard military bun and Cat’s hair was too short).

“I’m Admiral Peter Greyling,” he said.  “I’ve served in the Marine Corps for nearly thirteen years and I’ll be teaching you all about weapons and armoury.  Over the course of the year, I’m hoping to teach you all the weapons used by the Alliance Special Forces, how to put these weapons together and take them apart again, and how to use a sample of these weapons, as well as some basic tips on the uses of body armour.  How many of you know how to handle a gun?”  Cat and I both raised our hands.  “Which have you used?” Admiral Greyling asked.

“I can use a pistol, a rifle and a shotgun,” I said.

“I can use a sniper, a pistol and a shotgun,” Cat said.

“Who taught you?” Admiral Greyling asked.

“My father,” I answered.  “I’m a spacer.  This is sort of how he kept us entertained during really long deployments, as the TV was usually broken, and I suck at board games.”

“Ah yes, I remember,” Admiral Greyling said.  “I am sorry for your loss.”

“Thank you,” I mumbled.

“Your father taught you too, McDougal?” Admiral Greyling asked.

“Yes, sir,” Cat said.  “It’s a similar story to Shepard’s actually.  I was born in space and my father taught me weaponry to shut me up.”

“Good,” Admiral Greyling said.  “Well, you’ve already spoken to Admiral Brawne and Commander Anderson, so I’m sure you know what the next week is going to be like.  I’ll be seeing Pod 5 and Pod 6 at 0500 to 0700 hours, Pod 1 and Pod 2 at 0800 to 1000 hours, and Pod 3 and Pod 4 at 1000 to 1200 hours.  Any questions?”  There were none, so he saluted us and left.

..... 

By ten o’clock that evening we had spoken to all our practical instructors apart from Flight Lieutenant Moreau, who we’d be seeing the next morning, and two of our theory instructors (a civilian named Vanessa Hutchings who would be teaching us Earth history, and a man named Charlie Jansen, who would be teaching us arithmetic and Calculus).  I was somewhat alarmed when I heard that we had to do math, as my father had taken me out of the school programme midway through my first grade.  I had pretty much kept up with my reading on my own, but my mathematical ability was rudimentary at best.  Math was important in the marines though, for gun calibration, basic engineering and calculating collateral damage.

By the end of the day, I had an ache pounding behind my eyes.  I was beginning to feel a bit panicked.  After all, the day only had twenty four hours, and it felt to me as if every single one of those hours would be spent in training. 

It was Zac who voiced what we were all thinking.  “How the hell are we going to do this?” he asked.

We were already in bed, waiting for the lights-out command.

“I assume that we’ll work until we drop, then have some officer swear at us for a few minutes, then get up and work some more,” Mikhail said.

“They must be nuts if they think that we can survive this kind of thing,” Suang said, sounding desperate.  “I mean, only three of you have parents that are military.  The rest of us come from a civilian background.  We don’t know things like how to use a gun or what the phonetic alphabet is.”

“You all knew this would be tough,” Cat said.  “Why did you ask to be sent here?”

“That’s the thing,” Ismaeel said.  “Most of us didn’t.”

“Seriously?” Ash asked.  “Who did get asked to be sent to Del Sol?”

Kyle, Cat, Kaidan and I raised our hands.  “Wow,” Zac said.  “Less than half.”

“Well, complaining about it won’t help,” Cat said in a superior voice.  “You’ll probably be made N1 in any case.”

“Way to be a motivational speaker, McDougal,” I said.

“Like you, the daughter of a failed marine, can do better, Shepard?” Cat snapped.

“Yeah,” I said.  “How about ‘we’re all in this together, but if we work together to help each other out, we can be the first Pod 3 group to qualify without a single casualty?’”

“What, team work?” Kaidan asked.

“Why not?” I asked.  “The soldier is only as good as his squad, anyone with half a brain would know this.  I’m a good shot, but I’ll probably suck at math.  Your biotics’ll probably make you good at the electronic stuff.  The admirals wouldn’t post us here if they didn’t think we can’t take it.  They don’t want us to die either.”

“Jane’s right,” Ash said.  “We need to work together.”

“I agree,” Bridget said.  “Like it or not, we’re a squad, and a squad always protects its members, even if they don’t always get along.”  She glared at Cat.

“Good,” I said briskly.  “If we all agree, then I’m going to sleep.”

 .....

The next morning dawned bright and early with a loud siren sounding at half past four.  “I hate this place,” Zac mumbled as we made our way to the showers.

“You ain’t seen nothing yet, Tobrin,” Liam said.  “Trust me on this.”

The water in the shower was ice cold again.  “Is the water ever warm?” Pierre asked.

“Not when we’ve been here,” Nina said, shrugging.

“But don’t count it out yet,” Liam added.  “This place has this nasty habit of surprising you.”

At breakfast the senior students whistled and cat-called at us, but we were learning to ignore them.  “What do you suppose is on the cards today?” Mikhail asked, sitting down with Ash, Zac, Sven and me.

“Theory stuff probably,” Zac said.  “Oh and recon with Admiral Hackett.”

“The theory is mostly stuff like navigation, language, that kind of thing,” I said.  “The classes that I’ll be really shit at.  Well, apart from the languages.”

“What language will they be teaching us?” Sven asked. 

“Probably the Council languages,” Ash said.  Sven looked confused, so she said, “You know, turian, salarian and asari.”  She was talking about the Citadel Council, which was the galaxy’s government.

“Wait, as a marine I’d have to speak to aliens?” Sven asked, a look of horror on his face.

“Do I detect a touch of racism?” I asked rhetorically.

“No, I’m not being racist,” Sven said.  “My dad just taught me not to trust aliens.”

“Yeah?” Zac asked.  “What does your dad do?”

“He’s a salesman for Elkoss Combine,” Sven said.  Elkoss Combine was the Alliance Military’s main weapons supplier.

“Well, maybe you’ll graduate N2 and never have to worry about aliens,” Mikhail said.  “Why would you be good at the languages, Shepard?”

“I can speak the Council languages,” I said, looking down at my lumpy porridge.

“She’s being modest,” Ash said.  “She speaks, what, six languages?”

“Eight,” I corrected quietly.

“No shit?” Zac asked.  “Which?”

“Turian, salarian, asari, protha, volus, English, quarian and krogan,” I said.  “I’m not fluent in volus yet and I was busy learning batarian when, well…” I trailed off.

“That’s incredible,” Mikhail said.  “I mean obviously the English and the protha goes without saying, but you can help us if we get stuck.”

“Yeah,” I mumbled uncomfortably.  “I suppose, yeah.”

“Why would protha go without saying?” Sven asked.

We all stared at him.  “Because it’s the common language of the galaxy?” I asked hesitantly.  “Everyone’s supposed to be able to speak it.”

“I can’t speak protha,” Sven said.

“The shit’s gonna come down this year,” Ash mumbled heavenwards.

“Why don’t you speak protha?” Zac demanded, but Sven was apparently captivated by his coffee.  He was staring into his cup in any case.

“How the hell did he make it here?” Mikhail asked in protha.

“Destined for a desk job,” I said.  “The unfortunate thing is that we have to have him on our team for two years before we qualify.”

“I’m dyslexic,” Sven announced.  I closed my eyes.  “That’s why I never learned protha in the CLP.”

“Oh, you’re CLP?” Ash asked scornfully.  “Explains a lot.”

In the Alliance there were two school programmes, the Children’s Learning Programme and the Alliance Academic Achievement.  Triple A students tended to look down on CLP students because the CLP was all about nurturing each individual’s potential, whilst Triple A was more concerned in the marks in the final exams. 

“Hey, I’m CLP,” Zac protested.

“Ja, and look at how you turned out,” Ash said in the superior tone of a Triple A student.

I stayed quiet.  I had done six months of Triple A, but I was going nowhere slowly, so my father had taken me out of the programme.  God forbid people find out that his daughter’s intelligence levels were, according to school-leaving marks, in the lower quadrant.  He’d promised my mother to enrol me into CLP, but he never had.  I had downloaded language programmes onto my datapad one day out of sheer boredom, but had avoided math programmes like the plague.

I finished the last of my breakfast up and took my tray to the washing up line.  Nina snagged us as we were heading for the exit.  “Where do you think you’re going, grunts?” she asked.

“I was thinking back to bed, ma’am,” I said.

“Shepard, do you remember the conversation we had yesterday about having a smart mouth?” Nina asked.

“Yes, ma’am, I do,” I said.  I smiled winningly.  “I know you won’t do anything to me though.”

“Yet,” Nina said.  “From tomorrow your grace period will officially be over and if you so much as have a fingernail out of line, you’ll regret it.”

“Well, then I’ll enjoy my final day of freedom of speech,” I said.  “Where to, boss lady?”

“Admiral Hackett in the gymnasium,” Nina said.

“Rightio then,” I said.  I turned to the others.  “Shall we?”

“Oh no, I’m not coming with,” Nina said with an icy smile.

There was a silence.  “I beg your pardon?” Zac said politely.

“You have been to the gymnasium, you know how to get there,” Nina said rather evilly I thought.  “Go on then.”

“Thanks Shepard,” Mikhail said acidly.  “Thanks a lot.”

“Oh, shut up,” I snapped.  I turned and led the way out of the bunker.

“Where’s Canning, do you suppose?” Ash asked.

“Probably leading the others to the gymnasium because they didn’t get smart to the CO,” Zac mumbled, scowling.

The sky outside was still dark red (Earth’s night skies were rarely black anymore), but the temperature was already high.  “This way,” I said confidently, leading the way past the buildings.  Five minutes later I had led us to the edge of the compound.  “Now where?” I asked.

“You’re going the wrong way,” an exasperated voice said from the shadows.

Ash gave a loud scream.  “Stop being such a girl, Williams,” Sven mumbled.

“Who’s that?” Mikhail asked in a quavering voice.  There was a dim flare of light.

“Alenko,” the voice said.

“What the hell are you doing there?” Zac asked.

“Smoking,” Kaidan answered, coming closer to us.  “Why aren’t you with the rest of the group?”

“We got separated,” I explained.

“No, we got kicked out,” Ash corrected, glaring at me.  “And now we’re lost.”

Kaidan gave a humourless laugh and dragged on his cigarette.  “Sounds like you’ve been bad,” he said.  “Better watch out, the admirals might smack your hand and put you in the naughty corner.”

“They wouldn’t really do that, would they?” Sven asked in horror.

“No, they’ll just put you on stand to for two days,” I said.  “Look, time’s a ticking and we’re running late.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan said.  “Lucky for you, I know the way.”

“Excellent,” Mikhail said briskly.  There was a pregnant pause. 

“Well?” Zac asked impatiently.

“Quid pro quo,” Kaidan said. 

“Quid pro what?” Sven asked.

It was hard to tell, but it seemed that Kaidan was rolling his eyes.  “You can’t have something for nothing.”

“For Christ’s sake,” I snapped.  “We’re in the middle of a desert.  Even if we had creds, they wouldn’t be any use to you.”

“Oh, I’m not going to ask you for anything,” Kaidan said.  “Now.  I’ll surprise you with it.”

“Whatever, spy boy, just get us to the gymnasium before Admiral Hackett gets pissed off,” Ash said.

“Very well, follow me,” Kaidan said.

He led across to the other side of the compound.  “Jane, you took as the wrong way,” Ash mumbled.

“Yeah, I guess my magnetic north is screwed up here,” I said.  “Let me do the talking.”

“Gladly,” Mikhail mumbled.

I pushed the door open.  Admiral Hackett was already talking.  “Sorry we’re late, sir,” I said.  “We were following Ruben, but decided that it would be more impressive if we could find our own way here.  Suffice it to say that we got horribly lost because we haven’t done any navigational training yet.”

Admiral Hackett eyed me.  He seemed almost surprised to see me.  “What’s your name, grunt?” he asked.

“Shepard, sir,” I said.

“Well, Shepard, I accept your apology,” he said.  “As long as you promise not to do it again.  I also want ten each from you.”

It was going to be a long day.

..... 

That evening was the BOL ceremony.  The BOL ceremony was supposed to be the second-most important night in a recruit’s life, and certainly the most important in a grunt’s.  The BOL (short for Bag of Life) was used by all ranks and all specialisations, and was the most essential piece of equipment of a soldier.  A BOL was pretty much an everyday, run of the mill satchel.  Inside it is a gas mask, a first aid kit, a torch, a datapad and ammunition for every weapon that the soldier had.  Our BOL would obviously not have live ammo and the datapad contained our timetables and readings for our training instead of mission parameters, but it was still a pretty important occasion. 

Before the BOL ceremony though, we had to meet Lieutenant Moreau.  We met him in the Command Centre with the grunts from Pod 2.  Perhaps it was because I’d heard that all the best marines came from Pod 2, but they all seemed incredibly tall and incredibly strong.  Next to them, I felt really short.  I debated whether I should stand next to Lieutenant Moreau to try and boost my ego, but decided that on the whole, that would probably be kind of rude.

“Good evening,” Lieutenant Moreau said when we had fallen silent.  “My name is Jeffery Moreau and I’m the flight lieutenant on the SSV Amsterdam.  I’ve been an Alliance Pilot for fifteen years now and…”

“How?” Sven asked loudly.

“I beg your pardon?” Lieutenant Moreau asked.

“How can you be a pilot when you’re short?” Sven asked.

Everybody’s mouths dropped open.  Nina was the first to recover.  “Mahlberg outside, now,” she ordered.

“No, it’s alright, Senior Recruit Ruben,” Lieutenant Moreau said.  He frowned at Sven.  “To clear the air before the nasty rumours start flying and I’m forced to put the entire grunt squad on a charge, I have Vrolik’s Syndrome, which is a brittle-bone disease.  That means I have a short stature and my bones can break very easily.  To combat this, I sit in a special seat on the bridge and have to take a mess of medicines.  I am the best pilot in the air force, which is why I get to pilot as prestigious a ship as the Amsterdam.  Does that answer your question?”

“Yes sir,” Sven said, seemingly satisfied.

“Now, I was going to take you this week from twelve to two, but I heard this morning that I’m being posted off world tomorrow and I’ll probably only be back in November,” Lieutenant Moreau continued.  “According to the admirals, the best time for me to come and train you then will only be in February.  This is challenging, but with luck and hard work we should get through this, and you will be ready for your final exams in June.  I’ll be teaching you how to fly a Kodiak shuttle, how to do OP work from the air and how to take basic evasive manoeuvres.  I’ll be working in conjunction with Admiral Hackett with regards to air recon.  Any questions?”

“Will we learn to fly space ships?” Suang asked.

“I get that question every year,” Lieutenant Moreau sighed.  “No, I won’t be teaching you to fly a space ship.  That’s what the air force is here for.  Most of the time shuttles are also flown by members of the air force, but sometimes there is a case where a shuttle pilot is killed in action, or otherwise unable to fly the shuttle, and a marine needs to step in.  Just note now that just because you have a basic knowledge of how to pilot a shuttle, it doesn’t mean that you are now an honouree member if the Alliance Air Force.”

“Do you know how to fly?” Zac whispered in my ear.

I shook my head.  “My mother wouldn’t allow us near the shuttle controls,” I murmured back.  “She was super paranoid.  Also, my father was determined we’d make it into the marines.  Mom training us to go into the Air Force would be counter-productive.”  Lieutenant Moreau must have heard me whisper, for he turned to me.  “Sorry,” I said.

“Don’t worry, I usually didn’t pay attention when my superiors were talking either,” he answered, frowning.  “What’s your name, girl?”

“Shepard sir,” I answered.

“Shepard, hm,” Lieutenant Moreau said.  “You’re Jordan Shepard’s daughter?”

“I-yes, sir,” I said in surprise.  My father had been a marine, yet none of the marine officers had known him here.

“I knew of your mother,” he said.  “She was a good pilot.”

“Um, thank you, sir,” I said.

I expected him to mention my parents’ deaths, but he just stared at me some more.  “Well, then, until February,” he said at last.  “Good luck for the next six months.”

..... 

The BOL ceremony required us all to be as neatly dressed as was possible in our ill-fitting uniforms and crappy hair-cuts.  Basically what would happen was that we would be called up pod by pod in alphabetical order in front of all our instructors and get given the satchel, after which we would perform the marine battle cry.  Simple, easy to remember.  Except that the moment we were let out of the Command Centre, it would be open season for all grunts and the fun would begin.  I knew that as the shortest and skinniest recruit, I would be an easy target.  I tried not to imagine what the seniors would do to someone of my stature. 

I was sandwiched between Pierre and Cat for the ceremony.  When we sat down, Cat unsubtly waved at her father.  Ash was predicting that Cat would most probably be coddled by her father.  Our meeting with him the previous day had hinted as much when he had asked her to recite the phonetic alphabet for us, and then told the rest of us that we’d better shape up.  I wondered what it would have been like for me if my father had been considered a good enough soldier that he should pass his expertise on to the younger generation of nutjob soldiers, and I needed to receive Alliance-endorsed training under him.  I would have hated it.

“Good evening,” Admiral Greyling said when silence had settled in the Command Centre.  “We are gathered here to witness the BOL ceremony for our new recruits.  They have spent the past three days getting acquainted to the academy, and are now ready to be given the status of junior recruit.  For the recruits who don’t know what a BOL is, it is a satchel that contains a gas mask, a datapad to be used for academic purposes, a first-aid kit, a torch, practice ammo for the weapons that you are trained in, and an emergency chocolate supply.”

Emergency chocolate?  This was new.  I was only allowed to eat chocolate on my birthday.  “My father never said anything about emergency chocolate in the BOL,” I whispered to Pierre.  “He must have been afraid I’d steal his.”

“The emergency chocolate is for emergencies,” Cat hissed, overhearing me. 

“Really?” I asked sarcastically.  “An emergency chocolate supply for emergencies?  Tell me, is the gas mask for gas?”

She scowled at me.  “You really know how to push buttons, don’t you, Shepard?” Pierre murmured as Admiral Greyling continued talking about making sure that you always have the necessities in the BOL.

“I figured that in a straight-up hand-to-hand fight I’d probably get my ass handed to me on a silver platter, so I might as well be able to out-talk people,” I murmured back. 

“I’m sure that’s not true,” Pierre whispered.  “You’re a karate black belt after all.”

Admiral Greyling asked the Recruit COs to go onto the platform to call forth their Pods to receive their BOLs.  In Pod 1, there were only two women, in Pod 2 there was only one.  She was huge though, way taller than Bridget, with broad shoulders and muscular legs.

“Merde, how are we supposed to compete with Pod 2?” Pierre asked quietly, watching a gigantic boy with curly dark hair receive his BOL.

“We’ll do it,” I said with more conviction than I felt.

“You’re very optimistic for a spacer,” Pierre mumbled as Liam and Nina moved forward to call our names.

Maybe I was being paranoid, but it seemed to me as if the admirals had put all the misfits into Pod 3.  Kaidan, skinny as a rake, Mikhail, whose hair had been cut into such a way as to make him look deranged, Bridget, with her strangely disproportioned body.  And so the list went on.  Sven was so big, he looked almost like a model for a steroids advertisement.  Cat was the only one who seemed to be worth anything as a soldier.  Her back was ramrod straight and her salute held conviction, whatever the hell that meant.

Then Nina announced, “Shepard, Jean.”

I heard Ash’s intake of breath from the other side of Pierre and Zac.  I sat frozen.  My skin felt cold.  To Nina’s endless credit, she quickly realised her mistake.  She blushed bright red, and said, “I mean, Shepard, Jane.”

Instead of the applause and catcalls that had accompanied the other grunts, there was only whispering from the crowd as I made my way to the platform and received my BOL from Liam.  I didn’t make eye contact with anyone as the rest of my pod was called forward.  Instead I stared blindly forward and kept my face expressionless.  Pods 4, 5 and 6 were called forward.

“Now, remember,” Admiral Greyling said when the last Pod 6 grunt was called forward.  “After the exams, the two juniors in each pod that scored the highest in the exams and did the best in the competitions will be made the commanders of next year’s grunts.  These students will receive special training, and will, in the future, be in line for officership, so work hard and study hard.  Now…”

“Who’s like us?” the seniors bellowed.

We sprang to attention.  “Damn few,” we shouted at the top of our lungs.  “And they’re all dead.”

“That’s what I like to hear,” Admiral Brawne said.  “Now it’s time for the news.  Everyone go to your rec rooms.  Dismissed.”

“Hey,” Ash said, grabbing my arm outside.  “You ok?”

“Sure,” I said, my voice deadly calm.  “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Look, Jane, I’m sure there’s a reason that Nina called Jean’s name out there,” Ash said, sounding worried.  She knew from experience that nothing good followed when I spoke in that tone.

“Because Jean’s name was written there?” I suggested.

“What do you mean?” Ash asked.

“I mean that I’m not meant to be here,” I said.  “Jean’s the Shepard twin they wanted to come to Del Sol.”

“Then why did you get the recruitment papers?” Ash asked.  “Come on, maybe Nina just made a mistake.”

I shook my head.  “I don’t know why I got the recruitment papers,” I said.  “You know I’m not the healthiest individual, and I’m certainly not the strongest.  I would not make a good marine, in spite of all the training I already received.  Maybe the dyslexic N1 sent the papers out by accident, maybe they were already prepared for a Shepard and thought they might as well take me since the other is dead.”

Ash was silent.  “So what do you want to do about it?” she asked eventually.

“Nothing,” I said.  “There’s nothing I can do.”

She was silent as we walked to the rec room.  I stared blindly at the T.V screen as the news report played.  I wondered how Jean would have enjoyed Del Sol, how much better she would have been at being here.  She wouldn’t have been continuously afraid like I was that she would disappoint people, that someone would someday come to the realisation that she was nothing more than a fraud.  Because that was my greatest fear: that someone would one day find out that I was nothing more than a scared little girl who was very good at acting tough.  Jean said it was harder to be the perfect child, because you could fall from grace at any minute, but I knew it was harder to be the disappointment because nothing you ever did would measure up to the expectations laid on you.

At the end of propaganda hour Nina and Liam got up.  “The time has come to assign batmen,” Liam said.  There was loud whooping from the seniors, and he held up a weary hand.  “Now, grunts, you get who you get.  I don’t want to hear any complaints from you or about you.  You do as you are told and you shut up.  Seniors, try to treat the grunts with a little respect, you were them once.”

“So, Alenko is with Giovani,” Nina said.  “Chokovic is with O’Neal.  Fredrich is with De Sante.  Jones with Venter.  Khan and Kim with Canning.  Mahlberg with Risch.  McDougal with Stebbins.  Shepard and Sonier with Ruben.  Tobrin and Williams with Thembani.  You can have five minutes each other now before we need to shower and the grunts need to go to bed.”

Pierre and I moved listlessly to where Nina was standing.  “Move it grunts,” she snapped.  “Time’s a-wasting.  Liam and I need to do the duty rosters for the week.”

We arrived at her side.  “Right, well this shouldn’t be hard,” she said.  “I will be expecting you to rotate duties on a weekly basis.  I don’t really care who starts.  I need my bed made in the mornings.  I need you to read the progress reports I get from your trainers on a weekly basis and to give me summaries on each report.  I need my laundry to be done once a week.  This includes uniform, physical training kit, bedding and towels.  I need you to sit in on the meetings the COs and trainers have and to take notes for me.  I need you to keep my boots polished and my weapons in good condition.  Any questions?”

“No, ma’am,” I said and Pierre shook his head.

“Right, who’ll go first?” Nina asked.

“Shepard comes before Sonier in the register,” Pierrere said.

“Any objections, Shepard?” I shook my head.  “Then I expect you in the seniors’ dorm tomorrow as soon as you’re done showering.  Understood?”

“Roger that,” I said smartly.


	5. Chapter four: September: week one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane has a trying first week, and the Pod 3 junior recruits discover a startling secret about Kaidan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for references to child abuse

It felt like I had barely fallen asleep when I was shaken awake.  “Wha-?” I mumbled.  “Leame ‘lone.”

“Stand to,” a male voice said.

“The fuck?” I said.  I squinted up at the clock, which said it was five to two.

“Stand to,” the voice repeated.  “We’re on guard duty together.”

“Listen buster, I went to sleep at midnight,” I said.  “I have had an hour and fifty five minutes of sleep.”

“Somewhere someone is playing a violin for you, Shepard,” the voice said boredly.  “Get dressed.  We need to be outside in five minutes.”

I sighed and got out of bed.  “What’s your name?” I asked, pulling my trousers on.

"Mzu Thembani,” he answered.  “Senior recruit.  Stop making small talk and get done.  I don’t want to be put on a charge on my first day back.”

I finished lacing up my boots, grabbed my BOL and slung it over my shoulder.  “Let’s go,” I said.

Mzu handed me a rifle.  “Do you know how to use this?” he asked, leading the way out of the dorm.

“Yeah,” I said, squinting down at the rifle.  It was a Vindicator.  I’d been trained using a Revenant, but I doubted there was much difference between the two.

“Good,” Mzu answered.  “Well, not really good since you’re a kid, but good because you’ll impress the admirals if you know how to shoot.”

“Right,” I said.  “Thanks.”

He walked over to the wall surrounding the compound and climbed up onto the parapet.  “Up here,” he said.

I climbed up next to him.  “What are we looking out for?” I asked, squinting out across the desert.

He sighed and turned to me.  “Nothing,” he said.  “This is a training facility.  The odds of someone randomly deciding to attack us are remote.”

“But then-,” I began.

“Because in a year for me and two years for you we’re going to be posted somewhere and be expected to know what to do when on guard duty,” Mzu interrupted me.  “Each pod gets a specific area that they need to guard, and each shift is two hours long.  I think Ruben posted the roster for this week last night if you want to check it out.”

I dug my datapad out of my satchel and turned it on.  I first opened the folder that was called ‘Shepard week one timetable.’

“Monday: wake up: 0400 hours.  Breakfast 0430 hours.  Combat: 0500 to 0700 hours.  Com: 0700 to 0800 hours.  Fitness: 0800 to 1000 hours.  Weaponry and armoury: 1000 to 1200 hours.  Lunch: 1200 to 1300 hours.  Tech: 1300 to 1400 hours.  Maths: 1400 to 1500 hours.  Language: 1500 to 1600 hours.  Earth history: 1600 to 1700 hours.  Protocol training: 1700 to 1800 hours.  Supper: 1800 to 1900 hours.  Navigation: 1900 to 2000 hours.  Quiet hour: 2000 hours to 2100 hours.  News report: 2100 hours to 2200 hours.  Recon: 2200 to 2400 hours,’ the first column read.

I must have made a noise, because Mzu said, “Everything alright, Shepard?”

“Everything’s wonderful,” I said.  “I might have to forfeit sleep, but for the rest everything is fine.”

I opened the guard roster which informed me that I would be on guard duty again from midnight until 0200 hours.  So, basically I would be expected to survive the next twenty four hours on two hours of sleep.

“Want an endjie?” Mzu asked.

“A, what sorry?” I asked.

“An endjie,” Mzu repeated.  “You know, cigarette?”

“Oh right, endjie is the South African word for cigarette,” I said.  “Thanks, but I want my brother to receive a letter that says killed in action, not killed by lung cancer when I die.”

“Suit yourself,” Mzu said, shrugging and lighting up his cigarette.  “All grunts start smoking in the end.  It’s a good way to handle stress.”

“I won’t,” I protested.

“Yeah you will,” Mzu said, laughing.  “If you’re freaked out about your schedule now at the start of things, you’ll be having a heart attack come next week.”

“Bullshit,” I snapped.  “I can handle it.”

“No you can’t,” Mzu laughed.  “I bet you eight hundred credits that you’ll have had your first smoke by the hand-to-hand competition.”

“Done,” I snapped.  “I need the creds in any case.”

I maintained a stony silence until the waking-up siren shattered the desert quiet.  Five minutes later Kyle and Liam showed up to relieve us.  I returned to the dorm to retrieve my toiletries and went to shower.  Midway through my shower the water shut off and I was forced to get out covered in soap suds.  At half past four I was halfway to the mess room when I realised I had to make Nina’s bed.  I rushed back to the senior dorm, falling unclassically through the door.

“What’s a grunt doing here?” one of the seniors asked.

“I beg your pardon, sir,” I gasped.  “I need to make Senior Recruit Ruben’s bed.”

“Go out and knock, then come in,” the senior ordered.

“Yes sir,” I said and went out again.

I knocked and waited.  And waited.  And waited.  Eventually I opened the door.  “I still need to eat.  Can I please come in?” I asked.

“Do I care what you need to do, gruntling?” the senior asked.

I wondered exactly what would happen if I punched him.  I decided it wasn’t worth the broken fist, so I stood with my hands behind my back and waited.

“Alright, then,” the senior sighed.  “Come on in.”

I spotted Nina on the other side of the room.  “You’re late,” she said when I reached her.

“Yes ma’am,” I said.  “I was on guard duty.”

“I don’t really care what you were doing, Shepard,” she snapped.  “I expect you here at half past four in the morning in future.”

“Aye aye ma’am,” I said.

“Go on, make the bed,” Nina said impatiently.

She had the top bunk, which meant I had to climb onto the bed to make it. “Good enough,” Nina said, when I sprang off the bed again.  “Dismissed, Shepard.”

I saluted and rushed from the room towards the mess room again, praying that there would be coffee.  I had had too little sleep for this kind of crap.  When I reached the front of queue I was given my customary midget’s bowl of porridge and a bowl of fruit salad.  “Coffee?” I asked.

“Supplies didn’t come through,” the catering corps person said.

“No coffee?” I asked in desperation.

“Sorry,” the catering corps person said.

Crap crap crap.  My head started pounding, a sign of coffee withdrawal.  I turned to find Ash, only to nearly walk into a senior. 

“Watch it grunt,” he snapped.

“Sorry sir,” I mumbled, wanting to scream at him.

“Yeah, I’ll make you sorry,” the senior said and hit my tray out of my hands.

I watched it calmly as it fell and looked up at him.  “Thank you, sir,” I said, and saluted.

The senior had either been expecting me to swear at him or burst into tears, for he did a double-take.  “What’s your name, grunt?” he asked.

“Jane Shepard, sir,” I said.

“Right, Shepard,” the grunt said.  “I’m Scipio Giovanni, and I’ll be watching you.”

“Very good sir,” I said mildly.  I waited until he’d moved past me before going to where Ash, Zac and Kaidan were sitting.

“Are you alright?” Ash asked the moment I sat down.

“Yeah,” I said.  “Why?”

“Well, that senior just…oh never mind,” Ash said.  “Do you want some of my porridge?”

I could see Giovanni watching me from across the room.  “No, I’m good,” I said.

“I can’t believe there’s no coffee,” Zac, whose entire uniform was sopping wet, said.

“Me neither,” I mumbled.  “What happened to your uniform, Tobrin?”

“I had to take Thembani his toiletries in the shower, and two of the other seniors pushed me in,” Zac answered.  “I didn’t have time to change.”

“How are the batman duties going?” I asked.

“Crap,” Kaidan mumbled, scraping his porridge bowl clean.  I tried not to let my stomach grumble.  “Giovanni’s a prick.  I spent half an hour making his bed because the duvet wasn’t straight enough.”

“I was on guard duty with Thembani,” I said.  “You two are lucky, he seems alright.”

“Yeah, he is,” Zac said.  “What was guard duty like?”

“Dull as shit,” I answered.  “And best news is I’m on again at midnight.”

“I’m on now with O’Neal,” Kaidan said.

“We’ll let you know what Brawne teaches us,” I said. 

“Let’s get going,” Ash advised, finishing her fruit salad.

We got up and walked to the gymnasium where Admiral Brawne and the rest of the class were waiting for us. 

“Good morning Pod 3 and Pod 4,” Admiral Brawne said in his mechanical voice.

“Good morning sir,” we said dully.

“That’s the spirit,” Admiral Brawne said.  “So, you’ve all survived the orientation phase, which means the seniors are now engaging in some grunt ragging.  I’m sure you’re all having fun.”

“Is this man for real?” Ash asked in horror.

“We are going into the conference room now,” Admiral Brawne continued, ignoring the uncomfortable mumbling of the other recruits.  “Follow me please.”

We followed him into the conference room next to the gymnasium.  Ash and I chose seats in the middle of the room and took our datapads out.  “Now, the most important thing about being in a combat situation is to keep calm,” Admiral Brawne said.  “If you are panicking about the fact that the enemy consists of krogan, or there are twice as many of them as there are of you, you will not read the recon scout’s report properly and you will make mistakes.  And in war, ladies and gentlemen, mistakes cost lives.”

“I didn’t know we are at war,” Zac mumbled.

“Life’s a war, grunt Tobrin,” I mumbled back.

“Now, say a recon scout arrived at your side and gave you a combat map that looked like this,” Admiral Brawne continued, clicking a button on the terminal in front of him.  A combat map appeared on the screen above his head.  “Firstly, what would you say the enemy’s position is, looking at this map?”

“Two above, six below,” I mumbled to Ash as Cat’s hand shot into the air.  “Adequate cover on our side, but enemy’s position is strategically better than ours.”

“Tell him,” Ash whispered.  I shook my head.

“McDougal,” Admiral Brawne said.

“There are two snipers on the balcony and six soldiers at ground level,” Cat said.  “The snipers give them a strategically advantageous position, as it is difficult to shoot someone above you.”

“Very good, McDougal,” Admiral Brawne said.  “Now, let us see, Rosiensky, how would you proceed with this information?”

“I’d kill them sir,” the Pod 4 boy said.

“Yes, Rosiensky, that is the best way to proceed, but where would you start?” Admiral Brawne asked.  “Don’t scratch your head, boy, it makes you look gormless.”

“I don’t know sir,” Rosiensky said at last.

“Think, boy,” Admiral Brawne said.  “Are you capable of that?  No?  Very well, Holt, perhaps you can answer this question.”

“Start from the top,” Holt answered.  “Like the Pod 3 girl said, the snipers are a strategic advantage, because they can see you, but you can’t see them.  If you take them out, you can easily get rid of the others.”

“Alright then, Shepard, how would you do this?” Admiral Brawne said.

I frowned, staring up at the screen.  “You can’t have anything less than three people,” I said. 

“Three?” Cat asked.

“Do you have a problem, McDougal?” Admiral Brawne asked.

“Sir, you need at least five people for this,” Cat said.  “Look.”  She got up and went over to the screen.  “It’ll take two people for the two snipers, here and here.”  She pointed at the two cover points about fifty feet from the balcony.  “They’d need to be snipers too, since this is so far out.  The other three would be here,” she pointed to a line of cover about ten feet from the balcony.  “They’d take care of the soldiers on the ground.”

“Fair enough, McDougal,” Admiral Brawne said.  “Shepard, why do you say we only need three?  Come show us on the map.”

I got up and passed Cat on the way to the map.  She gave me a venomous look.  “If you put two soldiers here and here,” I said, touching two places of cover five feet from the balcony.

“The snipers would have to lean out to shoot them, providing the third soldier with a clear shot,” Cat exclaimed excitedly.  “I knew it.”

“Do you mind?” I asked irritably.  She fell silent.  “Yes, McDougal is right, they would have to lean out, but no soldier in the galaxy would be that stupid.  These two would provide covering fire with the troops on the ground whilst the third went here,” I traced a path behind what appeared to be a line of crates to a flight of stairs.  “If the soldier kept low and was quick, he’d be able to flank the snipers from here and take them out.  Of course, he’d need to be a good shot, as there is absolutely no cover from the snipers on the balcony.  Should he succeed, his squad would now have the strategic advantage as he has the higher ground.”

Admiral Brawne actually looked impressed.  “Very good, Shepard, that is exactly right,” he said.  “As you said, the third soldier would need to be a good shot, and if he fails, his squad would be worse off.  However, a squad of four to six people should work just as well.  Any more, and there would not be enough cover for everyone.”

Cat threw me a scowl and I smiled sweetly back. 

“That was pretty cool actually,” Ash said as we left the room after the session.  “He’s a better instructor than he appears.”

“Guess his programming must be really good,” I said.

“Jane,” Ash said, whacking my arm.  “Come on, we need to get to com in room seventy three.”

..... 

Cat looked a lot like her father.  His hair was red like hers and they both had freckles.  “Settle down,” Commander McDougal said.  We were having communication with all the junior recruits in the academy.  “Good morning and welcome to com.  Here I will be training you how to communicate when in the army.  That means you will be learning the lingo, the alphabet and the ranks.  Now, how many of you come from a military family?”

Less than half of us raised our hands.  The majority of these were the Pod 2 recruits.  “I trust you know at least some of the lingo then,” Commander McDougal said.  We nodded.  “Never mind, the rest of you will pick it up quickly enough.  Now, on your datapads is a document titled ‘Marine terminology made easy’.  Open it for me.”

I opened it and read the first line.  ‘Acknowledged,’ it said.  ‘To state that you have heard an order or remark.  Different to affirmative, which means yes.’

When we had been younger, my father had taught us the phonetic alphabet and the army terminology.  To ensure that we remembered it, we had to speak solely in the terminology.  It drove Mom mad.  Example: dinner time when I was about seven years old.  John was nine and Jason was four.

Dad: Janey, pass the salt.

Me: Aye aye sir.

Dad: Jean, you did well in the hand-to-hand drills.

Jean: Acknowledged.

John: Titch, can I have your stew.  (“Titch” glares at her older brother).  Belay that, I can do without.  When do we go groundside?

On and on.  The point being, I knew the phonetic alphabet and other communication systems so well that I sometimes spoke like that in casual conversation.  I hated com class because of this, and also because it gave Cat the chance to show us how much she knew and how little we grunts knew.

That first class Commander McDougal had us spell our names out to the others in the phonetic alphabet.  As there were seventy two of us, this took quite a while.  Finally he came to me. 

“First tell us your name in English,” he said.

“Shepard, sir,” I said.

“Ah yes, Jean Shepard,” Commander McDougal said.  “I knew your father.”

“I’m Jane Shepard sir,” I said.  “Jean is-was my twin.”

“Oh,” Commander McDougal said, clearly taken aback.  “Fire away then, Shepard.”

“Aye aye, sir,” I said.  “Juliette Alpha November Echo Sierra Hotel Echo Papa Alpha Romeo Delta.”

“Very good, Shepard,” Commander McDougal said.  “Perhaps with a little less hesitation in the next one.  Lives are lost through hesitation.”

“Yes sir,” I said impassively.

“If you need help, speak to Catlin,” he went on.  “She’s in your pod and she is always happy to help.”

I sighed.  “Acknowledged,” I said and sat down again.

..... 

Our first fitness session was something else again.  At the beginning I had a feeling that Commander Anderson could be either very nice or very awful.  By the end of the session I was certain he would not be nice.

We gathered in the gymnasium, all of us dressed in our PT gear.  “Right, that’s enough,” Commander Anderson said as he came in although none of us were talking.  He stood in front of us and surveyed us all in apparent disappointment.  “So these are the best the Alliance can come up with?” he asked.  “A pity.  When I was training here there were no women and everyone was taller than me.  Now then, since I can’t be bothered to learn your names I’ll be giving you nicknames that I think best capture your essence.  If you don’t like your nickname, you can bring it up, but chances are I won’t give a flying fuck what you think.  Is that understood?”

“Yes sir,” we mumbled respectfully.

“Good,” Commander Anderson said.  “Now, rule number one in my gymnasium: you speak when spoken to.  Rule number two: you are only allowed to stop doing an exercise if you are literally on the verge of death.  Rule number three: if you hesitate when I give you an order, you will drop for ten without me having to tell you to.  Rule number four: I expect to see a marked improvement when I come back in six weeks’ time, or else I will be seriously fucking pissed, and you don’t want to see that.  Finally, rule number five: if I say you can do better, you can.  I have been doing this for far longer than any of you and I actually know what I’m doing.”  He paused to glare at us all.  “Now then, Lumps,” he said, looking at Bridget.  “Take these two idiot pods for a warm-up, then meet me outside.  I need a fag.”

Bridget scowled, but led us through an intensive warm-up.  When we were done, we went outside to where Commander Anderson was busy standing next to a pile of backpacks and smoking.  “Are they warm, Lumps?” he asked.

“Yes sir,” Bridget said.

Commander Anderson glared at us some more.  “God, if the enemy had to see you lot now they’d fall over laughing,” he mumbled.

“Are we at war, sir?” Sven blurted out.

Commander Anderson looked him up and down.  “Maybe you haven’t been paying attention to the news reports, Lurch, but we have batarian pirates trying to take a few of our colonies, we, and we have vindictive turians who are looking for revenge for the First Contact War,” he said coldly.  “I would say that that is a state of war, wouldn’t you?”

“I-,” Sven began.  Cat nudged him in the ribs.  “Yes sir,” he said.

Commander Anderson grinned.  “Good thing you have Arse-Lick here to keep you in check, Lurch,” he said.

Ash and I smirked at each other.  Neither of us liked Cat.  Unfortunately Commander Anderson saw us.  “What are you two smiling at?” he snapped.  “Laughing at Arse-Lick’s name, Ken and Barbie?”  I frowned.  “What, Ken, not a fan of your own name?”

“Well, sir, I disapprove on two grounds,” I said.  I heard Ash sigh loudly.  “See, Ken is both blonde and a dude.  I don’t fit either of those criteria.”  I saw Anderson open his mouth and dropped for ten.

“When Ken has finished making love to the earth, we can actually start with the lesson,” Commander Anderson said, lighting up another cigarette.

I was wheezing a bit when I stood up.  “Well done, Ken, now we all know what the missionary position is really about,” he said.  “I’m sure Barbie looks forward to when she can get you alone now.  Now then, Daisy, perhaps you can pick up this backpack for me?”

The Pod 4 girl who was the recipient of that nickname stepped forward and picked the backpack up.  She gave a loud squeal and dropped it again.

“Atta girl, Daisy,” Commander Anderson said boredly.

“It’s heavy sir,” Daisy said.

“Yes it is Daisy, it weighs ten kilograms,” Commander Anderson said.  “Your task for the next six weeks is to strengthen yourself up enough to be able to run around the entire compound with that on your back in under half-an-hour.”  There were collective gasps and groans.  “If you think that’s bad, by the end of your second year you need to be able to run around the compound with pack that weighs five times that,” he snapped.  “Now, for today we will just be taking a run around the compound.  We will be running, mind, not walking, not jogging, not strolling, running.  We stick together.  A squad is only as strong as its weakest soldier and the same applies here.  We are only as fast as our slowest runner.”

I was willing to bet my next meal that the slowest runner would be me.  I was fast on sprints, but because of my asthma I could not do well on long distance.  Coupled in with that was the fact that I had only slept an hour and a bit the previous night, had not had my much-needed daily cup of Cho and had not eaten anything since my rather measly supper the night before, and I was wondering if I would pass out on the run.

“You look worried, Ken,” Commander Anderson said.

“Well, sir the fact is you said we are as fast as our slowest runner, and with me in the mix, we might as well throw in the towel,” I said.  “The snails will have time to slime the whole place up.”

It may have been the light, but I could have sworn his lips twitched.  “Well, then it is my job to whip your sorry behind into shape, Ken,” he snapped.  Maybe not.  He blew on his whistle.  “Let’s go, grunts,” he bellowed.

We started off.  The beginning was not too bad.  Kaidan set us off at quite a pace and we all sprinted to keep up.

“Slow down there, Charles Manson,” Commander Anderson shouted.  “Grub and Ken won’t be able to keep up soon.”

I looked around to see who Grub was and came eyeball to eyeball with Zac, who was almost purple in his efforts to keep pace.

“Sorry, sir, I couldn’t remember if it’s ‘you’re as slow as your fastest runner’ or ‘as fast as your slowest runner’,” Kaidan called over his shoulder.  How the hell was this super-ninja not out of breath yet?  I hated him.

“The latter Mr Manson, so slow down before I make you drop for fifty,” Commander Anderson shouted.  He was running directly behind Zac and me.

After a few minutes it felt like I was going to die.  My lungs were tight, my head swum and my legs trembled.

When we were seven, Dad started teaching us how to do drills.  Hold the rifle lengthways in front of you with both hands.  Raise your arms straight up above your heads.  Drop down for five.  Stand up.  Jump with bent knees.  Do five squats.  Repeat.  On and on and on until my legs were trembling, my lungs were aching and my arms were on fire.  Dad saw my face.  “Don’t you dare stop,” he said.

I tried to keep going, but eventually I couldn’t.  I dropped the rifle and bent, my hands on my knees.  Dad didn’t say anything, just picked the rifle up.  When I had gotten my breath back, I straightened.  He walked to stand before me and drove the butt of the rifle hard into my stomach.  I collapsed, my lungs refusing to give me air.  He stood over me, watching me gasp incoherently.

“Do you feel how that feels?” he asked me.  I nodded, still gasping.  “You’re only allowed to stop if you’re feeling like that,” he said.  “Do you understand, Jane?”  I nodded again.  “I said: ‘do you understand, Jane?’.”

This time I managed a ‘yes sir.’  The point here is not that my father was an asshole.  That goes pretty much without saying.  A man that takes his five year old daughter out of the school system because she struggles with math, and instead teaches her how to fire a gun is pretty twisted.  The point is that I learned my lesson and I learnt it well.  I did not once since that day stop.  I may do it slowly, I may struggle, my shitty lungs may betray me, but I will get the job done.  Which is why, even though I felt like I might collapse at any minute, I finished the run.

Commander Anderson wasn’t even out of breath when we finished.  He looked around in disgust as we collapsed to the floor in exhaustion.

“That may well have been the crappest display I have ever seen from a grunt group,” he snapped.  “Get up before your legs seize up.”

We all groaned as we stood up.  “The best humanity has to offer,” Commander Anderson groaned.  “Go get changed.  I’m sure there’s some instructor out there who has to deal with you next.”

“I hate this place,” Zac mumbled.  “I want to go home.”

“We’re all in this together, remember?” Kaidan said cheerfully.

“You’re such an arse,” Zac said.  “You want running to be your extra exercise.  What sane person does that?”

“What makes you think I’m sane?” Kaidan asked, grinning inanely.  “Maybe I’m completely nuts.”

“Caused by the B12 implant, no doubt,” I mumbled.  Kaidan levelled a glare at me.  I smiled sweetly in return.

..... 

Weapons and armoury class was the first where I actually felt like I knew what was going on.  Admiral Greyling gave us a plan for a Scorpion pistol and had us use it to assemble one.  I didn’t use the diagram and was finished within ten minutes.  I spent the rest of the class hissing covert instructions to Ash, who seemed to have put her trigger where the stock was, and speaking to Admiral Greyling who was impressed to hear that the shotgun my father had taught me to use was a Katana, widely considered to be the best in the galaxy.

“The Venom is good, but it has a helluva kick,” Admiral Greyling said.  “The first time I shot a Venom, it literally dislocated my shoulder.  I was out for a week.  The Katana though, it’s light, it’s got a far bigger capacity, and it has an accuracy of point seven five per cent, to the Venom’s point six eight.  We have to teach you to use the Venom first, unfortunately.  Have you ever used a sniper rifle, Shepard?”

“No, sir,” I replied.  “There wasn’t really enough space on the ship for me to work on long-range shots.”

“Hm, that’s a shame,” Admiral Greyling said, frowning.  “You’re the right build for a sniper: you know, small, slight.  Makes you a smaller target.”

“Um, thanks, I suppose,” I said.  Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Cat glaring at me.

Needless to say, I was feeling very good about myself when it came to lunch time, if a bit light-headed.  Never before had that single cracker, tiny pot of yoghurt, canned apple, tomato, cheese and lettuce looked so good.

“Thank you and have a great day,” I said to the server.

She glared at me.  “Fuck you,” she said.

I turned around and walked straight into Cat, dropping my tray onto the floor.  “What the fuck?” I shouted.

“Teacher’s pet,” she snarled at me.

“You’re calling me a teacher’s pet?” I asked.  “Your dad told me to ask you for help in his course.  What gets more teacher’s petty than that?”

“Daddy knows I’m good at com,” Cat said.

“Well, whoopdedoo for you,” I snapped.  “You seem to be good at everything: com, fitness, combat, weaponry.  The only thing I’m good at is using guns.  It is the only place I actually have a chance of coming in first, so I’m going to do it.  I’m sick of watching on the side-lines as other people beat me.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, it seems I have to spend another lunch hour staring at other people eat.”

I pushed past her and joined Ash, Zac and Ismaeel.

“She’s such a bitch,” Zac said sympathetically.

“Every time I see her, I feel like punching her in the face,” Ismaeel agreed.  “Which would not be a smart thing to do.”

“Never mind,” Ash said sympathetically.  “Have one of my crackers.”

..... 

The afternoon got progressively worse.  Our math teacher could well have been speaking Greek to us for all the good it did me, most of my knowledge on Earth’s history came from novels with questionable accuracy, and in the tech simulation, the mech that I was supposed to be disabling exploded instead.  The only silver lining on a gigantic and very dark cloud was my languages class.  It came as a shock to all of us to discover that Kaidan couldn’t speak any protha either.  Unfortunately for them Kaya, our instructor, told him and Sven to suck it up, and spent the hour teaching us asari greetings, which I already knew.  By the time it came to supper my head was pounding and I was looking forward to eating (finally) and having quiet hour, which would probably be spent on the mountain of homework that we’d been given.

“Ken, Grub,” a voice called behind us as Ash, Zac and I walked into the mess room.

I supressed a sigh and turned around.  “Yes sir,” I said.

“You two did the crappest in the running today, so I need you to set up the gymnastics equipment in the gymnasium,” Commander Anderson said.

“Now, sir?” Zac asked.

“Yes, Grub, now,” Commander Anderson snapped.

“It’s just, sir, I need to do my batman duties,” Zac said.  “I need to take supper to the senior dorm.”

“Who are you batman to?” Commander Anderson asked.

“Thembani, sir,” Zac said.  “He was on guard this morning and wants to have supper in bed.”

“Grub, I want you to come with me right now,” Commander Anderson said.  “Furthermore, I want you to tell Thembani to suck a dick, he is a recruit, same as you, and should get no preferential treatment.”

“Yes sir,” Zac said, smiling.

“I don’t believe that is the correct response to an order,” Commander Anderson said sternly.

“I’m sorry, sir, I don’t,” Zac spluttered.

“Haven’t you read the dictionary that Commander McDougal gave you?” Commander Anderson asked.  “Ken, how about you?  Do you know the correct response to an order?”

“Yes sir,” I said.  “It’s ‘Aye aye sir’ for a direct order, ‘yes sir’ for a general question and ‘affirmative’ for a question linked to a combat situation.”

Commander Anderson gave me an odd look.  “You’re a spacer, aren’t you?” he asked.

“That obvious, sir?” I asked.

“Well, an Earth Born or a Colony Kid wouldn’t have known that,” Commander Anderson said.  “Not on his first day.  How about you, Grub?”

“Earth Born,” Zac answered.  “For all the good it does me.”

“Don’t knock it, boy, I was born in London,” Commander Anderson said.  “You’ll learn quickly enough.  Either that or we’ll kick you out.”

“Or I’ll die,” Zac mumbled to himself.  Either Anderson didn’t hear him or chose to ignore him.

We started pulling mats out onto the gymnasium floor.  “So, tell me about your family, Grub,” Commander Anderson said.

“Born in London too sir,” Zac said.  “My father’s an accountant for Striker and Sons and my mother is a nurse at Barts.  I have a younger sister, Gabriella.  She’s eleven.”

“Hm,” Commander Anderson said, obviously uninterested.  “And what about you, Ken?”

“What about me, sir?” I asked.

“Which ship were you born on?” Commander Anderson asked.

“The Hugo Grayson,” I said.  He raised his eyebrows.  “My father was the Executive Officer.  My mother was commander of the flight deck.”

“I was sorry to hear that we had lost the Hugo Grayson,” Commander Anderson remarked.

“Yes sir,” I said.  “Ashley Williams, um, Barbie, her father was the commanding officer.”

“I knew Dirk Pieterse,” Commander Anderson said.  “He was a good man.”

“Yes sir,” I said.

“Do you have any family left?” Commander Anderson asked as we heaved a beam onto the floor.

“My younger brother, Jason,” I said.  “He’s thirteen.  And my aunt, Jennifer.  She’s a N3.  Serves on the SSV Florence.  But I lost my older brother and my twin sister too.”

“Twin sister?” Commander Anderson asked in surprise.  I looked up at him.  “This twin, were you two identical?” he asked in feigned calmness.

“Well, sort of,” I said.  “Jean and I looked alike, but she is, I mean was, taller than me.  She was five foot three and I’m four-five foot one.”

Commander Anderson was silent until we had brought the last of the vaulting horses out.  “Dismissed,” was all he said.

“Do you think we can make supper?” Zac asked.

“Doubtful,” I said. 

Just as we reached the mess hall, the recruits started streaming out for their next class.

“And people ask how I stay thin?” I said, joining the rest of the grunts headed for navigation class.

 .....

We had quiet hour in the rec room and I spent the entire period trying desperately to answer math problems that consisted more of letters than numbers.  Since I struggled to do simple arithmetic with sums that were above the four times table, throwing a bunch of xs and ys into the equation made my migraine even worse.  Next to me Ash was busy translating asari phrases into English.

“Ash,” I said, rubbing my eyes.  “You need to teach me to do math.”

“Only if you teach me to speak asari,” Ash said, not looking up from her datapad.

“You have yourself a deal, Barbie,” I said.

“Cool,” Ash said.  “We’ll start tomorrow.  What does l’jyesta’mne mean?”

“May the goddess watch over you,” I answered.  “What does six equals x squared plus x plus two mean?”

“Two,” Ash answered.  “I’m thinking of becoming Catholic.”

“What?” I asked in astonishment.

“Well, think about it,” Ash said.  “You get Friday nights and Sundays off, whilst we’d be expected to train or stand guard during that time.”

“So, you found God for some time off?” I asked uncertainly.  “How can six equals x squared plus x plus two mean two?”

“Look,” Ash said, handing me her datapad, a document open on the math problem in question.  “Listen, my schedule is impossible.  The only time off I get each day is this hour, and I’ll probably spend the entire hour doing homework.  If I can get the additional five hours that you have, I won’t go completely batty from exhaustion.”

“Six minus two equals x squared plus x?” I asked incredulously.  “How is that possible?”

“Long story,” Ash said.  “I’ll explain this weekend, alright?”

“Ok,” I said.  I quickly copied the rest of her answers and handed the datapad back.

“Jane,” Ash said, frowning.

“Ash, I don’t know what five times six equals, the odds of me knowing what x plus two x equals six means,” I said.

“Five times six equals thirty and x plus two x equals six means two,” Ash said, taking her datapad back.  “Besides, maths is more about showing how you got the answer than about getting the answer.”

“So, does that mean that x squared plus x plus two equals x squared plus two x?” I asked.

Ash looked mildly impressed.  “It does actually,” she said.  “I’m quite impressed.”

“What, do you have to be able to do math now to use logic?” I asked.

“No, Janey, it’s just that most people who have done ten years of maths struggle with that premise,” Ash said.  She glanced up at the clock.  “We need to get to recon.”

Recon was a badly-timed class.  I was exhausted and spent most of the class staring as Admiral Hackett explained to us how to do recon from an elevated position.  Roll-call went by in a blur, and then I found myself back on the wall with Nina.

“Fag?” she asked, offering me the pack.

“No thanks,” I said, shaking my head.

She laughed and lit up.  “All grunts start smoking within their first year,” she said.

“So I’m told,” I said.

“What, think you won’t become a chain-smoker?” she asked.  “You’d be the first marine ever not to smoke.  Stressful crap we have to put up with.”

“I like to think I have slightly better self-control than most,” I said.  My stomach rumbled loudly.

“Keep telling yourself that, Shepard,” Nina said.  “Let’s make it sweet.  Bet you five hundred credits that you’ll be smoking by the end of the month.”

“Thanks,” I said.  “But I already bet Thembani eight hundred credits I won’t be smoking by the time the hand-to-hand competition comes around.  I don’t want to be overconfident and lose a bunch of money.”

“Well, just think Shepard,” Nina said.  “If you win, you’ll have twenty three hundred credits to your name.  Imagine what you can do in December week with that cash.”

I glared at her.  “Nice try,” I snapped.  I sighed and pulled my emergency chocolate from my BOL.

“What are you doing?” Nina asked.

“Eating my chocolate,” I said calmly.

“Why?” Nina asked.

“Well, mainly because I haven’t eaten at all today,” I said.

“The emergency chocolate is for emergencies,” Nina spluttered. 

“Right,” I said.  “And I think that this counts as an emergency.”

We spent the rest of the two hours in silence.  When Pierre and Giovanni arrived at two o’clock, I went straight to the dorm.  I didn’t even bother to undress before falling into bed.  I was sound asleep within seconds.

 .....

The rest of the week went on in the same wave of tiredness.  I didn’t have to stand guard during sleeping hours again, but I was fast learning that four hours sleep on the amount of work we did during the day was not nearly enough.  Giovanni seemed to have decided that I was the best grunt to target.  On three separate occasions he knocked my food tray out of my hand, he once peed on my bedding in full view of the rest of the dorm, threw my uniform into the showers, and one evening he stole my datapad so that I could not submit my homework.  I was forced to do three hours of drills in the heat of the day.

“Why don’t you report him?” Ash asked that night.  It was Thursday, and we had both decided that we would do our laundry in quiet hour on Thursdays.

I tipped Nina’s uniform into the tub on top of mine.  “I can’t,” I said.  “If I went to one of the admirals about this, it’d mean he’s won.  Besides, the seniors are allowed to torture us, it’s all part of the process.”

I winced as I plunged my hands into the tub.  I was very sunburnt from the drills.

“Your skin’s a funny colour now,” Ash laughed.  “Sort of orange.”

“Yeah, thanks,” I mumbled.  My entire body ached, not just from the sun burn, but from the additional punishment it had sustained during the week.

Commander Anderson had spent the rest of the week doing weight-lifting with us.  I was unsurprised to discover that I was unable to press more than eight kilos, and I was somewhat alarmed that Sven could press almost half my weight.  On top of that, Admiral Brawne had started hand-to-hand combat with us.  The first person I’d been paired with was Suang, who I was able to knock down quite easily.  The second person I was paired with was Ismaeel.  I’d gotten cocky, and this had resulted in me being knocked to the mat.  I was glad my father hadn’t been around to see this as I could imagine what his choice words would have been.  The only class I was really enjoying was weapons and armoury, and that was only because I was good at it.  Admiral Greyling had moved on to other, larger weapons’ structure, but I was still way ahead of everyone else.

“Thought of what you’re going to do tomorrow night?” Ash asked.

I shrugged.  “Sleep probably,” I said.  I had originally planned to say a mass, but the prospect of a night where I didn’t have to do anything was too good to miss.  “How about you?”

“Same,” Ash said.  “We’ll start your maths tuition on Sunday, alright?”

I nodded.  “Can’t wait,” I said.  I was sick of staring slack-jawed at the trainer as everyone else nodded in agreement at her far-out explanations.

..... 

The next morning I was woken up earlier than the siren by a loud shouting and banging.  “What the hell?” I mumbled.  The clock on the wall said it was twenty past one.

“Alenko?” I heard Mikhail, who shared a bunk with Kaidan ask.

“What’s going on?” Pierre asked.

“It’s Alenko,” Mikhail answered.  “I think he’s having a fit or something.”

Someone clicked the light on and we all crowded around Kaidan’s bed.  He was thrashing around, the sheets wet and tangled around his legs.  A bloody froth ran from his mouth as he shouted.  His eyes were shut.

“Holy hell,” Bridget mumbled.

“I know first aid,” Cat offered.

“Don’t be ridiculous, McDougal, the man needs either a med or an exorcist,” I snapped.  “Mahlberg, go to the sick bay, then wake Ruben and Canning.  They need to be here.”

Sven nodded and ran from the room.  Kaidan’s thrashings slowly ceased as we waited until he finally lay still.  Presently his eyes slowly opened.

“What happened?” he mumbled, his eyes glazed, his face shining with sweat.  “Where am I?”

“He’s disoriented,” Cat said.  “It’s common after fits.”

“McDougal, please shut up,” Ismaeel snapped.  “None of us want to hear your voice.”

At that moment the door slammed open and Nina, Sven, Liam and the med rushed in.  “What’s the matter?” Nina asked sharply.  “What’s going on?”

“Alenko had a fit, ma’am,” Cat said at once.

“How do you feel, boy?” the med asked, bending down and peering into Kaidan’s eyes.

“I-don’t know,” Kaidan stammered.  “I don’t understand.”

“Alright, stay calm,” the med said.  “Canning, help me take him to the sick bay.”

Liam pulled Kaidan upright, and together they dragged him from the room.  “Go back to bed,” Nina ordered and left after them.

“What the hell was that?” Mikhail said the moment the door had swung shut.

“Alenko’s a biotic,” Zac said.  “He has a B12 implant.”

“I thought we’d already established that that is impossible,” I said.  “Maybe he’s just epileptic.”

“What makes you so sure he is a B12?” Bridget asked.

“My mum is a nurse,” Zac said.  “She taught me how to recognise the different scars.  I’d bet my life that Alenko has a B12 implant.”

“Alenko is sixteen, obviously he wouldn’t have a B12,” Cat said.

“I don’t see what’s so obvious about that,” Pierre said.

“Well, the B12 was discontinued years before we were born,” Cat said.  “Why would they implant someone with something that’s no longer useful?”

“How should I know?” Pierre snapped.  “I’m just saying that obviously is a poor choice of words.”

“Maybe he’s not really sixteen,” Sven suggested.

“Maybe he’s not really a biotic,” Ismaeel said.  “Maybe he just has a scar in a rather unfortunate place.”

“Well, whatever the case, I’m willing to bet that’s the end of Alenko here,” Bridget said.  We all nodded in agreement.

..... 

To our surprise, Kaidan was present at breakfast.  “How do you feel?” Cat asked in mock concern.

“Fine,” Kaidan said shortly. 

“Are you really a B12?” Sven asked.  “Or did you lie about your age to get into the academy?”

“Jesus Mahlburg,” Bridget groaned.

“Leave me alone,” Kaidan snapped.  He refused to speak to anyone for the rest of the day.

..... 

At five o’clock I left the protocol classroom.  Owing to my religious affiliation, I had the rest of the evening off.  I wanted to go straight to our bunker and to bed, but for some reason, my feet took me to the gymnasium.  The gymnastics equipment was set up on the far end of the room.  I went into the changing room and put on the leotard I’d been issued when I’d said that I wanted my additional exercise to be gymnastics.  It was slightly too big, particularly around the chest, but it would do.  I warmed up on the floor, then climbed onto the beam and walked along it.

When Jean and I were five we started doing karate.  When I was about seven, we started competing and, being way smaller than other children of my age, it became clear to my father that I wouldn’t be able to beat people in straight-up hand-to-hand.  Instead of taking me out of karate, which is what he would normally have done, he asked one of the other marines on the ship to teach me the basics of gymnastics.  The thinking behind it was that gymnastics would make me more supple and faster, making it harder for someone to hit me.  For some reason, God has a sense of humour, and I was actually excellent at gymnastics, and for a while my father entered me into all kinds of competitions that I always won.  When I was fourteen, he made me quit.  I was too invested in gymnastics and not invested in the stuff that soldiers actually need to be good at.

I did a cartwheel along the beam.  As much as I missed my family (with all my heart and almost continuously), there was a part of me that was relieved that he wasn’t around anymore.  Another case of Janey being a bad daughter.  I sighed and did a back tuck, landing perfectly on my feet.

Somebody broke into applause.  Either someone was watching me or my imagination was getting out of hand.  I turned and saw Admiral Greyling standing on the floor below me.  I sprang to attention, yanking my leotard up at the same time.

“As you were, junior recruit,” he said, looking amused.

“Thank you, sir,” I said.  I sat down, so that my legs hung over the edge of the beam.

“You’re very good,” Admiral Greyling said.  “I wouldn’t have thought that a spacer would have had the opportunity to learn gymnastics.”

“Yes sir, my dad had me learn,” I said.

“So, what, were you in space your whole life, Shepard?” Admiral Greyling asked.

“Yes sir,” I said.  “The first time I came to Earth was this year when I joined up.”

“This must be quite strange for you,” he said.  “Being on the same planet for so long.”

“I guess,” I said.  “I mean, I’m used to it now.  Back when I was in the children’s home on the Citadel, I missed it more.  When you’re on a ship, you’re in everyone’s business and everyone is in your business.  It’s like a huge family.  And the stars.  I miss the stars most of all.”  I blushed and dropped my head.

“I look at what our people did to our homeworld, and I’m furious,” Admiral Greyling said softly.  “How could they leave us with this mess?”

I got up and started walking along the beam again.  “So what are you doing in here, Shepard?” he asked.  “Shouldn’t you be in class?”

“I’m Catholic, so I have this time off,” I explained.  I looked behind me and did a back handspring.

“And you decided to have your religious awakening on a beam in the gymnasium?”

I laughed.  “No, it’s just, I can’t sit still and think,” I said.  “I have some sort of brain defect or something.  I have to be walking, moving, and I think clearest up here.”

“I guess I can appreciate that,” Admiral Greyling said.  “Are you enjoying Del Sol?”

My face fell a tiny bit.  “Yes sir, it’s alright,” I answered.

Admiral Greyling laughed.  “If you like this place after a week here, then there’s something wrong with you, Shepard,” he said.  “I left, God, thirteen years ago, and I still hate it.  The thing is though, as horrible as their training is, it works.  The Alliance marines are the best in the galaxy.”

“It’s just-,” I began, wondering how to explain this to one of my superior officers.  “There are things that I’m taught here that I’m really good at, and there are some things that I could probably learn with practice.  And then there are some things that I’m so crap at, I will probably never get the hang of.  And, I just don’t get how they all fit together to make me a good soldier.”

“I know, it feels like that in your first year,” Admiral Greyling said.  “In your senior year though, you start putting it together, and then it makes a whole lot more sense.  I’ll tell you this though, Shepard.  There are going to be times where you’ve had enough of this whole damn mess, where you just want out.  Keep at it though.  I love my job, I love what I do.  If you’re really good, and I suspect you are, then all the pain will be worth it.”

“Thank you, sir,” I said.

“And now I’d better go,” he said.  “I have to make training programmes for one hundred and thirty recruits, and they aren’t going to write themselves.  Good luck Shepard.”


	6. Chapter five: September to October: team work and vid call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Pod 3 junior recruits have a religious awakening, and Jane becomes their reluctant leader. Meanwhile, Jane and Ash learn that the accident that killed their families was not what it seemed.

On Sunday morning I slept through the rising siren, effectively missing breakfast, but ensuring an additional four hours of slept.  When I woke up at around eight o’clock, I felt more relaxed than I had since I arrived at the academy.  I took a leisurely shower (I had gotten used to the cold water) and returned to the dorm.  Ash had promised that she would help me with math until lunch time, if I promised to help her with asari.

Ash was lying on her bed, scrolling through her datapad.  Kaidan was sitting at the terminal.

“What are you doing here, Alenko?” I asked, hanging my towel over my bed to dry.

“I’m Christian,” he said, not looking up.

“Really?” I asked.  “Are you Bible-thumping Christian, or I’m looking to extend my time off Christian?”

“Probably the last one,” Kaidan said.  “Remember you owe me?”

“Yeah, for you helping us find the gymnasium in the pitch dark,” I said.

“Exactly,” Kaidan said.  “Well, I’m here to collect.”

“What do you want, then?” Ash asked, looking up.

He looked at the floor.  “Shepard, I need you to teach me to speak protha and the other languages, and Williams, I need you to help me with maths,” he said carefully.

“I would have done that in any case,” I said.  “You don’t need to guilt trip me.”

“Really?” Kaidan asked in surprise.  “Why would you help me?”

“We’re on the same team,” I said.  “Team mates help each other.  Ash is going to help me with math now, and after lunch I’m going to help her learn asari.  You’re welcome to join us, but I’m going to need your help to.”

“With what?” Kaidan asked.

“You probably noticed that I’m not brilliant at fitness stuff,” I said.  “I’m willing to bet that when the regimens come out, I’m probably going to have to do fifty hours of fitness a week.  I need you to help me improve.”

Kaidan considered, his head cocked to one side.  “Alright,” he said at last.  “Do you need anything from me, Williams?”

“Ja,” Ash said.  “Can you teach me to do bypasses as fast as you?  My record is five minutes, and you managed to do it the other day in tech in fifty seconds.”

“Deal,” he said, smiling.  I was sort of shocked to be honest.  I didn’t think his face had that ability.  “Let’s get to work.”

..... 

We actually made good progress.  It turned out that Kaidan’s mathematical ability was even worse than mine.  By lunch time, Ash had taught us the fundamental basics of the first twelve times tables, and was working on basic fractions with us.  After lunch I taught them both how to ask for directions to specific destinations around the Citadel in asari.  It came as a great surprise to us when we heard that Kaidan had never been off-world.

“Why not?” Ash asked.  “Are your parents nervous flyers or something?”

“No,” Kaidan said.  “I mean, I don’t know, they might be.  We could never afford it.”

“Which city are you from?” I asked.

“Seattle,” Kaidan said.  “Neither of my parents work.  My dad sometimes gets part-time stuff in construction.  Anyway, the point is we couldn’t pay an air-fare to get us off-world.”

“Is that why you got the implant?” I asked.  Traditionally, the families of biotic children were paid a small sum to make up for the risk that came with the implant operation.

“Yeah,” Kaidan said.  “The company that operated on me paid my parents twelve million credits, which my mom used to buy the flat we live in.  Before that we stayed on the streets.  The company then decided that the procedure had been a failure and dumped me.”

“That sucks,” I said.  “Why did they think it was a failure?”

Kaidan shrugged.  “Shit went down,” he said.  “I don’t want to talk about it.  Anyway, most people think that to be Earth born is cool because you come from the home-world.  You’re the ultimate human.  Load of crap.”

“Why do you say that?” Ash asked.

“You’re a colony kid,” he said to Ash.  “Did you ever see poor people on your colony?”

“Not really,” Ash said.  “The Alliance looks after the colonies.”

“Yeah, because they’re generally rich and have strategic value,” Kaidan said.  “No one gives a damn about a fucked-up, mostly uninhabitable world.  The only reason they still hang on to Earth is because it’s the home-world.  They don’t actually care about us.”

“I’m sure that’s not true,” Ash said.

“Yeah?” Kaidan asked.  “I was registered with triple A when I was six, same as a bunch of other kids on Earth.  I never did a stitch of work and at the end of each year I was put up to the next grade.  Nobody kept tabs on me, because nobody cared.”  He sighed.  “Let’s get back to work,” he said.

 .....

Our regimens were posted to our datapads during quiet hour.  Suang was the first to notice.  “You’ve got to be kidding me,” he exclaimed. 

“What is it?” Pierre asked.

“I have to do thirty hours of recon a week,” he said.  “How the hell am I supposed to do that?”

I opened my own regimen and read through it.  ‘Combat: twenty four hours a week, recon: twenty eight hours a week, weapons: zero hours a week, fitness: thirty five hours a week.’

I opened the calculator on my datapad.  It took a while, but I finally worked out that this regimen alone added to twelve and a half hours of work a day.  I added to that my theory classes and propaganda hour and came to twenty and a half hours of work.  I knew that I would need to have a quiet hour in order to do the homework I would be given in theory.  I also needed to stand two hours of guard duty a day.

“Sweet Jesus,” I mumbled, when my calculator told me that I would be working twenty four and a half hours a day.  Goodbye sleep and goodbye food, and hello defying the laws of space and time.

Around me, my fellow grunts were complaining and groaning.  “What’s yours look like?” Ash asked, climbing onto my bunk.  She peered at my regimen.  “Wow, zero for weaponry,” she said in amazement.

“What?” Cat asked.  “I have to do twenty hours a week.  And twenty two hours of fitness.”

“What’s yours look like?” I asked Ash.

“Fifteen hours of weaponry, eighteen hours of fitness,” Ash said.  “I worked it out.  All together I have to do twenty eight hours of work a day on a normal schedule.”

“Shepard, you said something about us working together,” Mikhail said.  “Any suggestions?”

I thought for a bit.  “I don’t know about the rest of you, but there is no way I can do this on a normal schedule,” I said.  “Luckily for me, I have Friday evenings and Sundays off, so I can catch up then.  I suggest that the rest of you find your faith soon, or else you’re in for a hell of a fucking ride.”

“What do you mean?” Zac asked.

“I have from five o’clock on a Friday until midnight, which is…” I counted quickly on my fingers, “Seven hours, and from midnight to midnight on a Sunday, which is a full twenty four hours.  I can do a lot of my regimen then.”

“They’ll never believe that an entire pod is converting,” Pierre said.

“They have to,” I said.  “The Alliance is all about tolerance among humans now.  Freedom of choice and all.”

“It could work,” Ash said.  “Alenko, Jane and I accomplished a lot today.”

“I’m not done though,” I said.  “The grade us at the end of the next six weeks and our grade impacts how many hours we get for the following six weeks.  If we can all get a good grade, we’ll get less hours.  We need to help each other out.”

“Why?” Cat asked.  “Why do we need to help each other out?”

“Because I know for a fact that if I had to train for twenty four and a half hours a day for the next two years, I’ll probably die,” I said.  I decided not to mention that the universe would probably implode because of all the breaking of the laws of time and space that I would be doing.  “I need to bring my hours down or I’m in big trouble,” I continued.  “The only way I can improve my scores is if I ask others to help.  I don’t have any hours for weaponry, so I’d be happy to help the rest of you to bring your score down.”

“I got three hours a week for recon,” Ismaeel said.  “I can coach the rest of you, if you wish.”

“I have seven hours a week for fitness,” Kaidan piped up.  We all turned to look at him.  “I can teach you exercises on how to develop upper-body strength and breathing skills and stuff for the running.”

“I have eight hours for combat,” Bridget said.  “I can teach you how to, I dunno, punch things.”

“I also have eight hours for combat,” Cat shot back.  We all stared at her and she blushed.  “I’m good at reading combat situations,” she said, more calmly.  “Maybe I can help out with that.”

“We should make a timetable,” Suang suggested quietly.  “So that we can all work together for much of the time.”

“Good idea,” Zac agreed.  “We can do it together, Kim.  We won’t be together all of the time, but at least we can have a general idea.”

“Do it,” I said.  “The rest of you should speak to Ruben about your sudden religious enlightenment.”

...... 

Zac and Suang got a bit too excited with the timetables and constructed a specific one for each of us, which they sent to me at midnight that Sunday night. 

“Why did you send me everyone’s timetables?” I asked them.

“Well, you’re running this, aren’t you?” Zac asked.

“No I’m not,” I said.  “I just came up with the idea, it’s up to someone else to make sure it works.”

“Who exactly?” Suang asked. 

“I don’t know, do I?” I said.  “Khan maybe, or Chokovic.”

“As far as I see it Shepard, you and McDougal are the only people who have any long-term experience of the way things work in the army,” Suang said.  “I won’t follow McDougal.  The girl’s a bitch.  I’ll follow you.”

“Um, thanks, I guess,” I said.  I decided not to point out that I was as clueless as them when it came to what went down in the academy.

I opened my timetable first, which was nicely tabulated and easy to read.  Apparently I had fitness first thing in the morning.

The door to the dormitory swung open.  “What the hell,” Nina said, coming in.  “Why is this entire dorm becoming Catholic?”

“I convinced them that Jesus Christ is the saviour of man, ma’am,” I said.  “Everyone wishes to repent their sins and join me to find their salvation.”

“What, you’re a fucking Jehovah’s Witness?” Nina asked.

“No, ma’am,” I said.  “I’m Catholic.”

“And you Khan, you’re the other religious person in this dorm,” Nina said sharply.  “Do you believe what Shepard says?”

“Yes ma’am,” Ismaeel answered.

Nina glared at me.  “What’s going on, Shepard?” she snapped.

“Are you going to stand the way of our religious beliefs, ma’am?” I asked mildly.

Her chest heaved up and down.  “You’re on a charge, Shepard,” she snapped angrily.  “Be on guard duty in two hours.  You’ll be relieved at 0200 hours on Tuesday by the next grunt on the roster.  I believe it’s Williams.”

“Thank you ma’am,” I said, saluting from my bed.  I waited until she had left before sagging.  Perfect, twenty four hours of standing on a wall, staring at the sand.

“Why didn’t you tell her the truth?” Ismaeel asked.

“Because training on Sunday isn’t a very Christian thing to do,” I said.  “I’d better get some sleep.”

..... 

My datapad alarm shrilled into my ears at two in the morning.  I groaned, rolled out of bed and landed hard on the floor.  I’d forgotten I was on the top bunk.  Ten minutes later I found myself with rifle in hand, standing on the wall, looking out across the desert.  My watch mate was O’Neal, possibly the quietest man in the galaxy. 

“Do you like it here?” I asked.

“It’s alright,” he answered.

“Where are you from?” I asked.

“Horizon,” he answered.

“What’s Earth’s capital?” I asked.

“Seattle,” he answered.

“What is the reason for man’s inhumanity towards man?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” he answered.

Eventually I just gave up and stared up at the sky, trying to catch a glimpse of the stars.  None in sight of course.  I hadn’t seen a single star whilst on Earth.  It was depressing.

At four the rising siren ran and O’Neal was relieved.  The day grew progressively hotter as the sun rose in the sky and I could feel my skin drying up.  I tried rationing my water, but by midday I had run out.  At midday, Risch was relieved by Giovanni. 

“I didn’t know the army employed volus,” Giovanni said when he saw me. 

Volus were aliens that were historically of short stature.  I smiled tolerantly.  “Very funny, sir,” I said through gritted teeth.

“Now what was your name again?” Giovanni asked.  “No, don’t tell me: Cowherd.  Coward.  Nope, that’s not it.  American-born scum.”

“America bombed China a hundred years ago,” I said.  “Isn’t it time everyone moved on?”

“Did I ask for your fucking opinion, grunt?” he snapped.  He pushed me backwards with one hand.  “Shepard,” he said.  “That’s it.  The grunt with no family, no friends and no tits.”

I squinted out across the desert.  The no tits joke was older than most asari, who lived for a thousand years.  “So tell me, Shepard, how does it feel to know that your entire family is dead, and no one in the Alliance gives a fuck?” Giovanni asked.

“How does it feel to know that no one gives a fuck about you, period, Giovanni?” I asked boredly.

“Oh really?” Giovanni asked.  “You may be good at the whole ‘woman of steel’ impersonation, but I know you, Shepard.”

“I’ve been here a week,” I said.  “You don’t know Jack about me.”

“I know it burns you that no one is out looking for your family,” Giovanni said sweetly.  “It must really suck to know that no one in the Alliance gives a damn about you, that nice, reliable Lieutenant Shepard just isn’t worth that much.”

“Why the hell would the Alliance waste money and resources retrieving an exploded ship?” I asked coldly, my hands trembling.

“What do you mean exploded ship?” Giovanni asked in confusion.  A light dawned on his face.  “You mean you don’t know?” he asked.  “No one told you?”

“What are you talking about?” I snapped.  “Told me what?”

“I suppose the Alliance is trying to protect you,” Giovanni said.  “You are working for them now after all.  Does the lovely Miss Williams know?”

“Either tell me what the hell you are talking about or shut up,” I said angrily. 

“Well, far be it for me to break your innocence,” Giovanni said.  “You’re probably better off not knowing the truth, you might rush off on some stupid vendetta.”

Without thinking about it, I released the safety on the rifle and pointed it at him.  “Shut up,” I screamed. 

We both stared at each other for a moment.  “That’s not loaded you know,” he said quietly.

I threw the rifle down in frustration and walked along the parapet.  I was trembling with rage.  “I’m just trying to protect you,” he called after me.

“Go fuck yourself,” I whispered.

..... 

At two o’clock Ash and Liam relieved me.  “You alright?” Ash asked.

“Apart from the hallucinations, yeah,” I said.  I hadn’t drunk any water for a while and I was on the verge of collapse.

I went back to the pod, drank about a gallon of water and went to bed. 

 .....

The rising siren two hours later shattered the silence of the pod.  I rose, and stumbled, zombie-like, to the showers.  At breakfast I pulled Ash to one side.  “Ash,” I said.

“What is it?” Ash asked.

I hesitated, not quite sure how to word my question.  “Do you know how the Hugo Grayson was destroyed?” I asked.

She gave me a strange look.  “It was shot down,” she said.  “That’s what Jina said anyway.  Why do you ask?”

I told her what had happened between Giovanni and me the previous day.  “Come on Janey,” she said.  “He’s just a senior trying to mess with you.”

“Why do this though?” I asked.  “Why mess with me in this way?  There’s more to it.”

“Maybe you’re right,” Ash said.  “It does seem a bit odd.  How do we find out though?”

I frowned.  “I don’t know,” I said.  “The admirals are all gone.  I’d be scared to ask them, to be honest.”  Then it came to me.  “Aunt Jennifer’ll know,” I said.  “When is this month’s communication Sunday?”

Communication Sunday was the one day a month where we were allowed to make contact with people outside the facility.

“Three weeks,” Ash said.

“I’ll ask her then,” I said.

 .....

The week went by quickly, and I was happy to observe a marked improvement in all areas except for fitness, which I still struggled with.  The rest of the dorm was doing well under my instruction in weapons assembling.  What we had to do at our assessment at the end of the six weeks was to separate out four different guns’ parts and assemble them.  Blindfolded.  I demonstrated to them how I did it.

“I usually separate them out in alphabetical order,” I said, as I felt around on the table.  “Pistol, rifle, shotgun, sniper.  The sniper takes the longest to assemble, and the pistol the shortest, so I start with the sniper and end with the pistol.  Like such.”  I pulled the trigger on the pistol so that the stock slid back.  “How long did that take me?”

“Three and a half minutes,” Suang said.

“Damn, I used to be able to do it in under three minutes,” I said.  “Anyway, since you can’t feel the difference between the parts yet, you need to stand, blindfolded, and memorise the feel of each part.  Some of them are going to be obvious, a scope can only belong to a sniper, but others will be tough.  The spring on a rifle is very similar to the spring on a sniper.”

And so, grumbling and groaning, they set to work.  By the end of the week most of them could separate out the parts, if not put them together.  The only two that were struggling, were Zac, who seemed destined for a career in the N1 offices, and Kyle Jones, who I had never actually heard speak.  In bed on Sunday night, I was hit by a happy thought.  I wasn’t the worst recruit in our pod.  I was by no means the best, that role belonged to either Kaidan or Cat, but I was good and I was a quick learner.  Cheered by this thought, I fell asleep. 

 .....

“Five weeks to go,” Ash mumbled the on the following Monday as we waited in the breakfast line.

“Do you still feel like you need to protect me?” I asked her.

“Now more than ever, since you seemed to have developed the charming habit of back-chatting all the seniors,” Ash said.  “You’re still going to get yourself into trouble one day, Jane.”

“I’m a big girl, Ash,” I said.  “I don’t need you to look after me.”

“I see no one else volunteering for the job,” Ash said.

“Well, can I look out for you then too?” I asked.

“You already do, Jane,” Ash said.  She sighed.  “I can’t imagine coming to this place not knowing anyone.”

“Yeah,” I said.  “Me neither.  It’d suck big time.”

We reached the front of the queue and got our trays.  For some reason my serving of porridge looked a lot bigger.  “I think you gave me the wrong tray,” I said to the catering corps woman.

“No, that’s the right tray,” she said impassively.

“Are you sure?” I asked.  “This serving is at least two times bigger than my usual one.”

“Yes, I’m sure,” the woman said.  “Can you move now?  You’re holding the line up.”

“Right,” I said.  “Sorry.”

“My serving is also bigger,” Ash said in an undertone.

“Maybe it’s someone’s birthday and we didn’t know it,” I said, leading the way to a table.

“Maybe the government has been overthrown and the food regulations have been lifted,” Ash said enthusiastically.

“Have you noticed the bigger servings?” Zac asked, sitting down.

“I think it’s I dunno, Freedom Day or something,” Kaidan said.

“Isn’t that in November?” I asked.

“Yeah, I guess it is,” Kaidan said.

“What do you mean, I guess?” Ash asked.  “It is in November, twelfth of November to be exact.”

“Well, I’m not squandering this opportunity to eat more,” I said.  I dug into the food with gusto.

“I wonder how much food Mahlberg gets,” Zac said, staring across the room to where Sven, Cat and Pierre were sitting.  They had formed a group which we sometimes referred to as ‘the clique’.

“A lot,” Kaidan answered.  “I saw the other day.  At least twice as much as what I get, and I get fed biotic-sized servings.”  Biotics tended to burn more calories and therefore needed to eat at least twice as much as the rest of us.

“What does Sonier see in them,” I said, scowling at the clique.  “I thought he was alright.”

“Well, the way I see it, there are only two people in our dorm that can lead us through this freaking academy to safety,” Kaidan said.  “McDougal and you.  You are unfortunately quite rude and seem to have an issue with authority figures, which makes McDougal the safer choice.”

“I’m flattered, but I’m actually not all that good,” I said.

“No?” Zac asked.  “You’re the first grunt ever to get no hours for one of the programmes, and you’re the one that came up with the teamwork plan, which is actually working so far.”

“Don’t get me wrong, the brain trust is great,” Kaidan continued, nodding at the table where Ismaeel, Mikhail and Suang sat.  “But their only good at the brainiac stuff.  When it comes to the practical shit, they’re pretty hopeless.  Well, Khan does well in recon, but for the rest, their hopeless.”

We had all arranged ourselves, quite by accident, into groups that we tended to spend more time with.  Each group had its own specific nickname: the cliques was Sven, Cat and Pierre.  The brain trust was Ismaeel, Mikhail and Suang.  Then there was the loners, which consisted of Bridget and Kyle.  They never spoke to each other, but they always sat together and partnered up in class.  Our group consisted of me, Ash, Kaidan and Zac.  Zac and Kaidan were actually occasional brain trust members, since they were both good at certain aspects of the theoretical work.  The others called our group the perfectionists.  I wasn’t sure if the name was a compliment or an insult.

I finished the last of my coffee (it had made a reappearance on the menu the previous Wednesday, and got up to dump my tray).

“Shepard,” a voice called behind me.

I turned to find Giovanni waving frantically at me from across the mess hall.  I wondered what he’d do if I ignored him.  Report me for insubordination probably.  I sighed and went over to him.

“Shepard, I need you to run to Woodsly in Pod 1,” Giovanni said.  “He has the A 18 protocols, and I need them from him.”

“Aye aye sir,” I said.

Pod 1 was on the opposite side of the compound, and I jogged there.  I was pleased that I managed to do it without my lungs getting overly tight.  Maybe I was getting better at the fitness stuff after all. 

I asked one of the grunts where I could find Woodsly, and was directed to the mess hall.  Woodsly was quite good-looking: tall, dark and broad-shouldered.

“Excuse me sir,” I said.  He looked up.

“What is it, grunt?” he asked.

“Giovanni in Pod 3 sent me,” I said.  “He needs the A 18 protocols, and he said you have them.”

Woodsly frowned.  “The A 18 protocols,” he said.  “Shit, I lent them to Bradson in Pod 6.  He’ll probably be over at the obstacle course.  You should go speak to him.”

I glanced at the clock.  It was five past five.  “I need to train,” I said.

He looked sternly at me.  “The A 18 protocols are very important, grunt,” he said.  “You should get them to Giovanni before he loses patience.”

“I-acknowledged,” I said.  I added a salute to be thorough, and ran from the room.

Bradson at the obstacle course said he had left it in the Pod 6 senior dormitory.  The Pod 6 warden said that he had given it to the janitor.  On and on it went, each person having given the A 18 protocols to someone else on the other side of the compound.  I took a few minutes to eat lunch (which once again consisted of larger-than-usual servings) before running to the command room to ask if one of the cleaners had seen the A 18 protocols. 

Eventually, during quiet hour, a Pod 4 senior recruit told me that Nina had the protocols.  “This is fucking bullshit,” I exploded.

“Swear at me again grunt, and I’ll put you on a charge,” the senior said.  “Get going before Ruben lends the protocols to someone else.”

I ran back to Pod 3 and found Nina in the rec room with the rest of the seniors.  “Do you have the A 18 protocols, ma’am?” I asked.  “If you say no, I may be forced to punch you.”

To which the entire room burst out laughing.  “What’s so funny?” I snapped.

“Careful Shepard, I don’t want to put you on a charge for insubordination,” Liam said.

Nina seemed paralysed with mirth.  “I don’t have them, Shepard,” she gasped.  “I think-oh God, I can’t breathe.”

I gritted my teeth.  “Do the A 18 protocols even exist?” I asked.

“And the penny finally drops,” Giovanni crowed.

“Thank you,” I said coldly, and saluted.  I didn’t wait to be dismissed, but turned on my heel and marched out of the room.  I was halfway down the corridor when I heard someone call behind me, “Oy, Shepard.”

I turned.  It was Nina.  “Come to rub it in, Nina?” I asked.  She raised her eyebrows.  “I mean, come to rub it in, ma’am?”

“That’s more like it,” she said.  “Look, this was actually a compliment to you.”

“I don’t see how wasting my entire day, putting me behind on my hours and causing me to miss all my classes is a compliment,” I said coldly.

“The A 18 protocol is used when a grunt is getting too good, you know, when you’re too confident,” Nina said.

I sighed and leaned against the wall.  “You ever get it?” I asked.

She nodded.  “About four months after I started,” she said.  “My real skill is in recon.  Ninety eight per cent accuracy.”

“But I’m not that good,” I said.  “I mean, I’m good, but there are loads of others in the pod that are better.”

“The grunts have never elected one of their own as their leader since Commander Anderson graduated,” Nina said.

“I’m not their leader,” I protested.

“That’s not what I’ve heard Shepard,” Nina said.  She sighed.  “It’s a good thing.  We lost two grunts in this pod last year, all because they didn’t have someone to guide them.  Maybe this will be the first year where all twelve grunts make it through.”

I nodded.  “I’ll get them out alive,” I said.  “Or at least I’ll try.”

“You’ll be a good soldier, Shepard,” Nina said.  “We might have to sew your mouth shut though.  Go on, I need to do a field analysis before five o’clock tomorrow morning.”

“Ma’am,” I said.  I paused.  “Why do we get extra food?” I asked.

Nina sighed.  “You’ll see soon enough, Shepard,” she said.  She seemed tired, so I saluted her to make her feel better.

 .....

That evening I was bone-tired when I got into bed.  My bed had barely hit the pillow when the rising siren rang.

“The fuck?” Kaidan said.

“Wow, I slept really well last night,” Sven said, yawning.

Ash, who was nearest the light switch, flipped it on.  The clock on the wall said it was midnight.

“What the hell is going on?” Bridget asked in outrage.  “I get four hours of sleep a night.  I cannot have that sacred time disturbed by a loud siren.”

“You don’t know?” Cat asked in an annoying superior tone.

“Of course we don’t know you idiot or else we wouldn’t be asking all these questions,” Ash said irritably.  “Why don’t we just skip the part where you gloat because your daddy told you everything that’s going to happen to us during the next two years, and you just tell us why the fuck we aren’t asleep?”

“It’s a long week,” Cat explained in the same superior tone.  “It happens every other month.  We get extra food, and in exchange we give up our sleep.  Next month we’ll have a hungry week, where we get an extra four hours’ sleep, but no food.”

There was a stunned silence.  “This is absolute fucking bullshit,” Zac exclaimed loudly.  “I need my sleep.  They can’t take that away from me.  I hate this fucking place.  I want to go home.”

“Ok, Tobrin,” I said.  “Take a breath.  We can’t complain about this either.  The seniors will use every weakness.”

“What do you suggest then?” Zac asked, raising an angst-filled face.

“Grit your teeth and bear with it,” I said.  “And remember there are eleven other people going through exactly the same shit as you.  Come on, we’d better shower.”

 .....

I spent the four hours before breakfast working on recon with Kyle and Pierre.  Kyle’s continuous silence was getting a bit disconcerting.  I was beginning to wonder if he was perhaps mute, although we had all heard him sing the first word of the Australian national anthem on our first day at Del Sol.  At breakfast we once again received extra servings, but somehow these weren’t nearly as appealing as the day before.

“I’m not sure I’m all that hungry,” Ash mumbled, pushing her apples around the plate.

“You have to eat,” Kaidan said.  “You need the extra energy.”

“Ja, thanks Captain Obvious, any other useful titbits hidden up your sleeve?” Ash snapped.

“Calm your tits, no need to get uppity,” Kaidan said.  “Oh guess what?”  
“What?” I asked, chugging my coffee down.

“Remember the fit I had a couple of weeks ago?”

“Yeah,” Zac said.  “The one that may or may not be caused by a B12 implant.”

“Mind your own business, Tobrin,” Kaidan said.  “Anyway, Canning has now ‘strongly recommended’ that I see the social worker.”

I had to think hard to remember.  “Oh yeah, that Elizabeth Fischer,” I said.

“Yeah, the hot new social worker,” Kaidan said.

“Why would you need to see a social worker over a fit?” Ash asked.

“Well, I sort of told Canning the circumstances under which I received my implant,” Kaidan said. 

“Which is what?” Zac asked.

“I said mind your own business, Tobrin,” Kaidan said.

“You going to go?” I asked.

“An officer told me to,” Kaidan said.  “I don’t think I really have much choice in the matter.”

“Well, once your head has been sufficiently shrunk, let me know,” I said.  “I might not want to talk to you afterwards.”

 .....

There is a funny point that you reach when you’re exhausted.  You get to a stage where all that matters is making it through the next second.  The rest can wait.  All you need to do is survive this one second.  After that comes another second, which you need to survive, and after that another.  And you live for distractions, which is why I started spending all unaccounted for time doing gymnastics.  I was awful, probably the worst I’ve ever been, but each time I fell, I reminded myself that I was still alive. 

Unfortunately, with lack of sleep comes lack of judgement, which was how I lost a bet.  On the Friday of the long week Ash, Kaidan and I were walking from Math to Language.  Kaidan lit a cigarette.  “Oh, Christ that’s good,” he groaned.  “I don’t know how you can survive without the smokes.”

“I’ve smoked before,” Ash said.

This was news to me.  “You have?” I asked.

“Ja, Pedro gave me an endjie once,” Ash said.  She frowned.  “I didn’t really like it,” she said.

“Well trust me, Williams, this is the only thing that’s keeping me going,” Kaidan said.

“Keeps you awake, does it?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Kaidan said.  “Want one?”  He held the box out.

“Why the fuck not,” Ash said, taking a cigarette.

“Shepard?” Kaidan asked, holding the box out at me.

I hesitated.  Why the fuck not indeed.  I took a cigarette and put it in my mouth.  “You need to suck on it,” he said, lighting the end.

I inhaled and burst into a loud coughing fit.  “Holy shit,” I gasped, watching Ash drag on the end of her cigarette.  “It tastes like boiled ass.  How can you smoke this crap?”

“Well, you’re feeling more awake now, aren’t you?” Kaidan asked.

“Fuck you Alenko,” I gasped.  For a moment I was worried I might have an asthma attack, but the breathlessness passed.  I took another drag on the cigarette.  Yep, definitely tasted like shit.  Oh well.

“Jane Shepard,” a voice called from behind me.  I turned to see Mzu running towards me.

“Oh nuts,” I mumbled.

“I win,” he crowed.  “Oh yeah, baby, I win.  You owe me eight hundred creds now.  Pay up.”

I glared at him.  “I don’t have any money you twit,” I said, nonchalantly sucking on the cigarette.  He didn’t have to know it was my first one.

“That’s alright, I’ll write up an IOU and send it to your datapad,” Mzu said.  “Just knowing that I have some money coming my way makes me feel better.”  He dashed off.

“Want another?” Kaidan asked.

I sighed and ground the cigarette out.  “Maybe later,” I said.

 .....

The next Monday dawned with us all celebrating and cheering.  Not really, I don’t think we had the energy for that, but I was definitely cheering on the inside.  Sort of.  All I could think of that entire day was going to bed.  Who cared that we would only be getting four hours of sleep?  All sleep was a luxury at this stage.  Glancing around at my fellow grunts during our tech class I felt like laughing.  Collectively we had more bags under our eyes than a rich model on a shopping trip.  Everyone was pale and wan, vacant-eyed and greasy-haired.  Well, we weren’t there to win beauty pageants, so what did it matter what we looked like?  We had four hours of sleep ahead of us.

Of course, the academy has a nasty habit of jerking us over, and that was the day that Victor Gomez, our tech instructor announced that he would be assessing our bypassing ability.  We were called up to the front of the room, three at a time, and given a safe whose lock we had to bypass.  The alarm was timed at a minute and a half, and should these ninety seconds be up, the alarm would go off and we would fail the test.  Inside the safe was a buzzer, which we hit to indicate that we had gotten the safe open.  Pods 1 and 2 went before us.  Half of Pod 1’s grunts and two of Pod 2’s set their alarms off.  Kaidan got his safe open in twenty five seconds.  Kyle set his alarm off.  Bridget, Mikhail, Ismaeel and Suang got their safes open in the last fifteen seconds.  Then Sven, Cat and I were called forward.

“Whenever you’re ready,” Gomez said.

I took a deep breath and unscrewed the lock cover.  The timer started beeping and I separated the wires out.  Ten seconds later, Sven set the alarm off.  He had connected up the wrong wires.  Cat’s buzzer went off with twenty seconds to spare.  I twisted the final two wires together.  The safe door swung open, and I slammed my hand down on the buzzer, glancing up at the timer at the same time.  I sagged in relief.  I had gotten the door open with exactly one second to spare.

“Good work,” Gomez said.  I took my seat and watched Ash, Pierre and Zac do their bypasses.

Everyone else in our pod made it through.  Both Pod 4 and Pod 5 had three people set their alarms off and Pod 6 had four people set alarms off.  For the first time in the history of the academy, Pod 3 had come top in something.  I was so proud. 

Not.  I actually couldn’t care less.  Nina was extremely proud though, and spent the entire quiet hour telling us how proud she was of us and how much of an asset we were to Pod 3.  She then proceeded to tell us what we should do to continue doing Pod 3 proud, top of the list being winning the four competitions we were to take part in throughout the year.  At the end of the hour she jumped to attention and screamed, “Who’s like us?”

We sort of limped to attention and mumbled, “Damn few and we’re all dead.”

“They’re all dead,” Nina corrected.  “Damn few and _they’re_ all dea-oh what’s the use?  Good work all of you and keep it up.”

I suffered through propaganda hour, did a few listless sparring matches with Kaidan and Ash.  Roll call was a complete shambles because at that stage all anyone could think about was their bed.  At five to midnight I was snuggled deep in bed.  At midnight Liam shouted, “Light’s out.”

Ash clicked the light off.  There was a collective groan of relief, and we all passed out.

 .....

The next Sunday was our first communication Sunday.  Everyone lived for that day for a number of reasons.  Firstly (and most obviously), it was the only day in the month that we received contact with the outside world.  We got to see our families, our friends and our loved ones on the terminal.  The second reason was we were confined to quarters for the entire day.  We literally were ordered by our superiors to stay in bed for a full twenty four hours.  The drawback was that the terminal was in the dorm, which meant that everyone got to listen in on your most private conversations.

We were each given an hour in the day where we got to make our calls.  Kaidan went first at five in the morning, and Ash went last at four in the afternoon.  My slot was from two until three. 

We were woken up at four, the same as always, but after showering, doing our chores and eating breakfast, we had to return to the dorm.

There was an excited chatter in the mess hall that morning when we went for breakfast.  “Who’re you going to call?” Zac asked as we sat down at our customary table.

“My folks in Seattle,” Kaidan said.  “I need to check that they’re looking after my puppy properly.  You?”

“My parents and my sister,” Zac answered.  “If there’s time, maybe my friend, Tommy.  Who’re you calling, Shepard?”

“My brother and my aunt,” I said.

“Great,” Kaidan said.  “How about you, Williams?”

Ash pulled at a stray piece of string on her sleeve.  “No one,” she said at last. 

“Why not?” Zac asked in astonishment.

She glared at him.  “Because I don’t have anyone to call,” she snapped.

She picked her tray up and stalked off to dump it.  “Crap, I didn’t think of that,” I mumbled.  I picked my tray up and chased after her.  “Ash,” I gasped out.  “Wait up.”

I could tell that she was thinking of ignoring me.  With a sigh she turned around.  “What is it, Jane?” she asked angrily, trying to hide the tears in her eyes.

“I’m sorry,” I said.  “I didn’t, you know, realise.  I forgot.”

“Lucky you,” she snapped, swiping at her eyes.

“No,” I said, internally kicking myself.  “I mean, I just didn’t think of it.  I’m sorry.”  When she didn’t say anything, I took her hand.  “You can chat with Jason if you want,” I said.  “He likes you a lot, you know.”

“No he doesn’t,” Ash said, but she was smiling.

“Yeah he does,” I said.  I leaned in conspiratorially.  “I think he has kind of a crush on you actually.”

“Of course he does,” Ash said, sounding more like her old self.  “With these legs, who wouldn’t?”

I laughed.  “Come on, hot mamma, let’s get back to the dorm,” I said.

Back in the dorm, Kaidan had made himself comfortable in front of the terminal, waiting for it to log onto the extranet. 

“I don’t know why I made such a big deal over it,” Ash said.  We had decided to work on our math homework whilst we waited, and we were lying together on her bunk.  “My father would never have answered any of my calls in any case.”

“You don’t know that,” I argued.

She shook her head.  “When Mama was dying, I tried calling him,” she said.  “She’d been sick a long time, and they had loved each other once.  I thought he might have wanted to be there.  The communication tech picked up.  She went to fetch him.  She thought she’d put the thing on mute, but I heard everything.  She told him his daughter Ashley was on the line, and he said he doesn’t have a daughter called Ashley.”

“What did you do?” I whispered.

“I hung up,” Ash said.  “My mother died that night.  I was the only one with her.”

Kaidan looked up at the clock.  It was five on the dot.  “Yes,” he shouted and dialled his parents.

“I don’t ever want to die alone,” Ash said softly.  “It’s depressing.  Means you don’t have anyone.”

“You won’t,” I said.  “I’ll be there.  So will your husband, your kids and your grandkids.  Maybe some great-grandkids if you’re lucky.”

Ash snorted.  “Ja, Janey the way things are going with you, you’ll get yourself killed the moment you’re deployed,” she said.

..... 

It was interesting watching the others in the dorm getting their calls.  It was as if they no longer fitted their uniforms.  I could almost see them as little children, playing with their brothers and sisters in the mud, or getting home-baked chocolate cookies from their moms, playing cricket with their dads.  They all used their full hour.  Mikhail spoke to his girlfriend, then phoned his sister on Akuze.  Bridget spoke for the entire hour with her girlfriend.  Kyle proved that he had a voice by phoning up his brother, boyfriend and grandparents.  Ismaeel, Suang, Sven and Cat all spoke to their parents and siblings.  I spent the time doing my math work with Ash.  The time seemed to crawl by.  Eventually Cat hung up her call to her mother.

I hopped off the bed and dragged Ash to the terminal.  We both perched on the chair and I dialled the number for the orphanage.

Mari answered.  “Hey Mari, it’s Jane,” I said.  “Is Jason there?”

“My my, Jane Shepard, look at you,” Mari said, squinting at me.  “You’re looking all grown-up.  Hang on, I’ll fetch Jason.”

A few minutes later she pushed Jason into view.  “Shay,” he screeched.  “Shay-Shay-Shay.”

“Hey kiddo,” I said, grinning.  “How goes?”

“Shay,” he shouted, his head jerking, a huge smile on his face.

“Yup, it’s really me,” I said.  “Ash also decided to check in on you.”

“Hey handsome,” Ash said.

“Aaaaaahsh,” he said.  Was it just me or was he blushing?

“I’ll leave you,” Mari said, smiling.

“How’s it going buddy?” I asked.

“It’s shit,” Jason said.  “This place fucking sucks without you around.  When are you coming back?”

“I don’t know,” I said.  “Not any time soon anyway.  Why does it suck?”

“I’m the only handicapped person around, so everyone treats me like crap,” Jason said.  “I wish I could kick them all squarely in the nuts.”

“Well, your language has certainly taken a turn for the worse,” I said.  “Hanging around all those urchins is widening your vocabulary.”

“Screw you,” Jason said.  “So how are you?”

“Ok,” I said.  He did a facial tic that I think was meant to be an eyebrow raise.  “Alright, it’s complete crap,” I admitted.  “Most of the people here make Dad seem like a nice guy.”

He laughed.  “How are you, Ash?” he asked.

“Good,” Ash said.  “I wish you were here though.  We’re doing hacking in tech, you know, writing our own hacking codes.  I know you’d be able to help me write a really excellent one.”

“It’s not difficult,” Jason said.  “All you need to do is-,” he garbled out a string of tech that made my head hurt. 

“Alright, slow down Steve Jobs, I have no idea what you just said,” I said, laughing.

“You hear they have Mom and Dad’s wills?” Jason asked.  “They both had vids for us on the general server.  The lawyer came by the other day and played me mine.”

“And?” I asked.

He shrugged.  “It’s not bad,” he said.  “Yours are here.  When you get leave maybe I can send them to you.”

“Yeah, that’ll be nice,” I said, not quite sure that I wanted to hear what my parents’ last thoughts for me were.

“Anything for me?” Ash asked nonchalantly.

Jason hesitated, then shook his head.  “Sorry,” he said.

“It’s alright,” Ash said.  “The man was the world’s biggest dick.  I don’t want anything from him.”

“Hey, do you have Auntie Jen’s number?” I asked, changing the subject.

“Auntie Jen?” Jason asked.  “She’s here.  She got shore leave and came to visit me.  Do you want to speak to her?”

“Hell yeah,” I said.  Auntie Jen was awesome.  She was a marine like my father, but she always had something nice to say to us.

“She-n,” Jason yelled.  A few moments later she appeared on the screen.

She looked very much like Dad.  Same red hair, same small stature, same blue eyes, same freckles.  I felt a pang of homesickness.

“Janey,” she said.  “I hoped you’d want to speak to me.  How are you my sweet niece?  You look exhausted.”

The annoying part of talking to Auntie Jen.  She never let you get a word in edgeways.  “I’m good Auntie,” I said.  “Tired but good.  How are you?”

“I’m good,” she said.  “I was quite upset when I heard you decided to go to Del Sol.  Did I not warn you how horrible that place is?  I’m certain I told both you and Jeanie that Del Sol is no place for a lady.”

She had, but Dad had told us she was a crazy old bat (in spite of the fact that she was five years younger than him) and that he expected us both to ask to be sent there.  No way would I tell her this.  “Yes ma’am,” I said instead.  “You did.”

“Oh well, water under the bridge, Janey, not much to be done anymore.”  She paused.  “I’m sorry for what happened to the Hugo Grayson,” she said.

“Yeah,” I said.  “Me too.”  I hesitated.  “What happened exactly?”  I asked.  “I mean, I know the krogan shot the ship down, but I don’t know the details.”

“Are you sure you want to hear this, Janey?” Auntie Jen asked.  “It isn’t exactly pleasant.”

“Yes ma’am,” I said.  “I want to know.”

“And you, Ashley?” Auntie Jen asked.  “Your father was on board too.”

“If it’s anything different to them being shot down and the ship exploding, I want to know it,” Ash said.

“Jason, go out of the room,” I ordered.

Jason scowled.  “No,” he said.

I sighed.  I knew from thirteen years of trying, there’s no arguing with my kid brother.  “Fine, stay then,” I said.  “Tell us, Auntie Jen.”

She ran her hands through her hair.  “I’m not quite sure how to explain this,” she said.  She paused.  “Well, the Hugo Grayson wasn’t shot down,” she said at last. 

“It wasn’t?” I asked in surprise.

She shook her head.  “No,” she said.  “They found it, pretty much intact, on one of Tuchanka’s moons.  I think it was Akresh.”  Tuchanka was the krogan homeworld.  Krogan were a humped species with short arms and legs, incredibly hard skin, and a redundant nervous system (which basically meant they had two of each organ).  The krogan had a stick up their asses because apparently five thousand years ago the turians and salarians (the third council race) infected them with a genetic sterility plague that allowed only one in a thousand infants to survive childbirth.

“What was doing on Akresh?” I asked now.  “They were sent to Rinva.  It’s in the Dranek system, on the other side of the star cluster.”

“Exactly,” Auntie Jen said.  “What’s more, there were no bodies and no signs of a struggle.  They just disappeared.”

“Wait, you mean to say that the coffins at the funerals were empty?” I asked.  “Why would they do that?”

“You’d be surprised how often they actually do that,” Auntie Jen said.  “Sometimes a body’s been killed in a…unique way, and they need to hold it, but they don’t want to tell next-of-kin that they’re running tests on the body, so they just give them an empty coffin.”

“That’s sick,” I mumbled.  “I can’t believe they’d do something like that.”  They being the Alliance.

“But then, surely, if there were no bodies found, they would be declared MIA,” Ash said.

“That’s what I thought too,” Auntie Jen said.  “That’s all the official report said anyway, but something didn’t gel.”  She seemed to peer over my shoulder.  “Do you still have communication Sunday in the dorm?” she asked suddenly.

“Yeah,” I said, confused.  “Why?”

“I thought that the official report didn’t really explain my brother’s death, so I hacked into the Joint Military Council’s private network,” she said, switching to drell.

“Um, I don’t understand,” Ash said in English.

“Never mind, I’ll tell you later,” I said.  “Go on, Auntie.”

“Well, I found that a number of inconsistencies were discovered at the Hugo Grayson,” she continued in drell.  “They scanned the moon and the surrounding areas, but found no bodies or any sign that anyone else had been on the moon.  They pulled data from the ship’s navigation system and found that the ship had been ordered there by someone in the Alliance.  And they found on the ship’s computer that someone had vented the ship, someone who wasn’t actually on the ship.”

“Who did it?” I asked.

She shrugged.  “They don’t know,” she answered.

“Someone sent them there then vented the ship?” I asked.  “That sounds like murder.”

“Yup, to me too,” Auntie Jen said.

“So what is the Alliance doing about it?” I asked.

“Nothing,” Auntie Jen said.  “They’d have to admit that their very expensive equipment is not as fool proof as they’d like to believe.”

“That’s bogus,” I said loudly.  Everyone in the dorm turned to stare at me.

“Yes it is,” Auntie Jen agreed.  “Unfortunately there’s not much we can do about it.  Don’t spread this around though, Janey.  You can tell Ash, but that’s it.”

“I won’t,” I said.  “Spread it around I mean.”

“Good,” Auntie Jen said.  “I need to go now, the ship leaves in an hour.  The commander will be seriously angry if I’m late.  Take care of yourself, Jane, you hear?”

“Yes ma’am,” I said.  “You too.”  I glanced up at the clock.  I had another five minutes of contact time left.

“I need to go,” I said to Jason.  “Keep safe.  I’ll speak to you again next month, ok?”

“Yeah,” Jason said.  He hesitated.  “Shay?” he said.

“What is it?” I asked. 

“I miss you,” he said softly.

“I miss you too, kid,” I answered.  “More than anything.  Bye now.”

“Yeah,” Jason said.  “Be safe.”

..... 

After Zac had made his call I persuaded Ash to come outside to smoke with me (yeah, I was a regular addict, going at about ten a day.  Not too much.  Yet.  Of course, Mzu was sending me daily reminders that I owed him eight hundred credits.  Since I barely had a hundred credits to my name, this was becoming problematic).

I looked around to make sure that we weren’t being overheard, and told Ash everything Auntie Jen had told me.  Her eyes grew round as the implications came clear to her.

“But that means that whoever ordered the ship to Akresh, ordered the crew to their death,” she said.

“I know it,” I said.

“Do you think that whoever ordered them to the moon vented the ship?” she asked.

I dragged on the end of my cigarette.  “I’m almost certain of it,” I said.  I shuddered.  When a place was vented, all the oxygen and pressure was removed.  Your lungs couldn’t cope with the sudden change, and pretty much exploded.  It was a horrible way to die.

“I almost wish your aunt hadn’t told us what happened,” Ash mumbled.

“Me too,” I admitted.  “It’s almost better to think of them all dying in one humongous explosion in the midst of battle.”

“I can’t believe the Alliance is doing nothing about this,” she said suddenly, her eyes furious.  “I know the Hugo Grayson wasn’t exactly our best ship, but all this evidence points to a mole high up in the Alliance.”

I stubbed my cigarette out.  “You know what?” I said.  “That’s going to change.”

“Huh?” Ash asked, looking confused.

“We’re going to find that mole,” I said.  “After all, we’re Alliance military now.”

“Um, we’re recruits,” Ash said.  “We’ve only been here for a month.”

“So?” I asked.  “Your father, my family was killed and no one is trying to find out why.”

“Ok,” Ash said slowly.  “How do you suggest we find out what happened?  We have no resources.”

“I’d start with the official report,” a voice said quietly from behind us.

 I turned, my arms raised in a defensive position.  It was Kaidan.

“What the hell are you doing out here, Alenko?” Ash snapped.

Kaidan held his cigarette up.  “Smoking, same as you,” he said.  “Unfortunately, you were talking quite loudly and I couldn’t help but overhear your chat.”

“I’ll bet,” I said scornfully.  “Come on, Ash.”

“Wait,” Ash said.  “What did you mean when you said we should start with the official report?”

“It may be useful to know what they are saying before you start reading between the lines,” Kaidan said, shrugging.

“That’s a great plan,” I said sarcastically.  “How?”

“Well, for a start you need someone who can hack into the Alliance network to get the report,” Kaidan said.  “Someone like me.”  I stared at him.  “Hurry it up already Shepard, the extranet goes off for another month in fifteen minutes.”

“Shit,” I said.  “Come on.”

“Hallelujah,” he mumbled to the sky.

We rushed back into the dorm.  “Ash, phone someone,” I hissed, shoving my private datapad into Kaidan’s hand.

“Who?” Ash asked, opening the dialler.

“I don’t bloody know,” I said.  “Lee, phone Lee.”

Kaidan squatted next to Ash as she phoned the home.  “Hi Mari,” she said, when Mari answered.  Kaidan’s fingers flew across the keyboard.

“Ashley,” Mari said.  “How are you?”

“I’m good,” Ash answered.  “Can I speak to Lee-Anne?”

“Of course, I’ll just fetch her,” Mari said.  She reappeared a few minutes later with Lee in tow.

“Is this important, Ashley?” Lee asked sulkily.  “I’m kinda busy.”

“What, playing games with quarians?” Ash asked.

“What do you want?” Lee sighed.

Ash pasted a wide smile on her face.  “I’ve missed my favourite orphan is all,” she said.  “The people here are so friendly.  I need someone sulky and rude.”

“Yeah right,” Lee said.

“I’m in,” Kaidan mumbled.

“Who’s that?” Lee asked, squinting at Kaidan.  “He’s cute.”

“That’s Alenko,” Ash said.  “No one important.”

“Look for Hugo Grayson, June 28th,” I said to Kaidan.  I glanced up at the clock.  Five minutes left. 

“Is that Jane?” Lee asked. 

“What’s up, Lee,” I said.  “Greetings from the home-world.”

“What’s it like?” Lee asked, feigning disinterest.

“Pretty crap actually,” I said.  “This part of it anyway.  Cape Town was nice.”

“That’s where engineering academy is,” Lee said excitedly.  “Only two years to go and I’m out of this piece of shit home.”

“Got it,” Kaidan muttered.  “Sending it to the datapad.”

“What the hell are you three up to?” Bridget asked.

“Nina asked us to get something off this terminal for her,” Kaidan said.

“Really?” Cat asked, interestedly.  “Why would she do that?”

“Because I’m her batman,” I snapped.  “Sorry she doesn’t trust you enough to ask you for favours.”

“You’re so going down, Shepard,” Cat muttered, slinking back.

“Who’re you talking to?” Lee asked.

“Never mind,” I said.  I glanced up at the clock again.  “One minute, Alenko.”

“Nearly there,” Kaidan said.

“So, have you killed anyone yet?” Lee asked.

“I’ve accidently blown up a couple of simulated mechs,” I said.  “Other than that, nope.”

“Done,” Kaidan said.

“Ok, gotta go, Lee-Anne,” Ash said.  “See you around.”

“You’re such a bitch, Ashley,” Lee said.  She turned to Kaidan.  “Call me,” she said.  “I’m a lot older than I look.”

“Thanks, but I’m not a fan of long-distance relationships,” Kaidan said.  At that moment the extranet went off.

“We’d better get that stuff back to Nina,” I said.  “Come on.”

I led the way to the shooting range, which was deserted.  “Right, let’s read this report,” I said.  I opened the file that Kaidan had downloaded.  “’On June 28th at approximately 1000 hours sol, the remains of the SSV Hugo Grayson one was found on Akresh, Tuchanka’s largest moon,’” I read aloud.  “’The Grayson had been posted to Rinva in Drakon to deal with krogan that were past their line.  There was no sign of sabotage, and the entire crew, including Commander D. Pieterse and his XO Staff Lieutenant J. Shepard, seems to have gone missing.  After extensive searching of Akresh it was declared that the crew was killed in action.  Signed Captain S. Barishne, L7.’”

“Wow, short, sweet and to the point,” Ash said.  “Why are they torturing us about writing long-ass reports?”

“No wonder Auntie went scratching,” I said.  “This leaves more questions than answers.”

“So what’s the next step?” Kaidan asked.

“Why are you so invested in this?” Ash asked suspiciously.  “Your parents are still alive and they aren’t even in the army.”

“If there’s a mole within the military, it puts us all in danger,” Kaidan said. 

“Ok then, one more question,” I said.  “A sixteen year old should not have been able to bypass all those firewalls to access this report.  How did you do that?”

Kaidan sighed.  “Fair enough, I suppose you have the right to know,” he said.  “Tobrin was right, my implant is B12.  It was experimental though.  B12s are the strongest biotics, and the company that did the operation on me had thought they had managed to minimise the risk of insanity.”

“And had they?” I asked.

“Well, yes,” Kaidan said.  “It’s not perfect though.  I get headaches, fits.  The point is, because I may be the strongest human biotic in the galaxy, I can break just about any code.”

“How?” I asked.

“Biotics can, I don’t know how to explain it, see computer code,” he answered.  He shook his head.  “No, we don’t see it.  It’s more like sense it.  Anyway, I’ve never come across a code that I can’t crack.”

“So why are you in the marines?” Ash asked.  “Why not biotics division?”

“Because the marines pay at least twice as much,” Kaidan answered.  “The admirals were quite excited by the prospect of having the strongest biotic on their side.”

I rubbed my temples.  “Alright,” I said.  “I reckon our best plan is to try to get hold of the unofficial report.”

“You’ll have to wait until the next communication Sunday,” Kaidan said.  “I can’t do anything without the extranet.”

“Ok,” I said.  “In the meantime we should keep our ears to the ground.  The admirals might say something.”


	7. Chapter six: October to November-hand-to-hand combat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Alliance declares war on the Batarian Hegemony, the academy prepares for the hand-to-hand combat competition, and Jane gets referred to the social worker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for domestic violence, child abuse and PTSD. I should probably mention though that Kasuumi Dranne is loosely based on Kasumi Goto without her backstory (I never had the Kasumi DLC, and, whilst I knew she existed, I sort of made up a backstory of my own). About the only thing that is in common with my Kasuumi and the Mass Effect Kasumi is that they are both thieves. Finally, this is a very long chapter, so settle in for a long and bumpy ride

The practical trainers returned in the second week of October.  By this stage we had all resigned ourselves to life at the academy.  We were accustomed to the bad food, lack of sleep, cold showers and hectic schedules.  Perhaps it was a good thing that I was continuously busy, as this didn’t give me much time to brood over my family’s death.  At night, I was too tired to have any nightmares.  The one time I did try to bring it up with Ash, she shut me down.  “Janey,” she sighed, taking a sip of her coffee.  “It doesn’t matter.”

“Doesn’t matter?” I echoed in amazement.  “Ash, your father, my family was killed by someone in the Alliance military, and no one is doing anything about it.  Of course it matters.”

“We don’t have the full story of what happened,” Ash argued.  “We only have what your aunt told us.  For all we know, there could be another report that’s so top secret that she couldn’t find it.”

“Don’t you want to know what happened to your father?” I asked. 

“Yes, but-,” Ash hesitated.  “Beth says I have to let him go or else it’ll end up hurting me.”

“Beth?” I asked.

Ash blushed.  “Elizabeth Fischer,” she mumbled, pretending to be suddenly very interested in her fruit salad.

“Oh no,” I said.  “When did you start seeing the shrinky lady?”

“A couple of weeks ago,” Ash said.

“Goddamnit,” I mumbled.  “Why?”

“I don’t know, I just felt like I needed to speak to someone,” Ash said.  “I didn’t really have anyone.”

“Um, hello?” I said, pointing to myself.  “There’s a best friend sitting right here.”

“Yes, but you’re too involved,” Ash said.  “And to be honest you’re not very good at the feelings stuff.  You get uncomfortable and make a joke.”

“I don’t,” I said, outraged.

Kaidan sat down next to us.  “What are you talking about?” he asked.

“Beth,” Ash said. 

“She’s very good, isn’t she?” Kaidan said enthusiastically.  “At first I was resistant, but she has helped me get through all the trauma of my childhood.  You should see her, Shepard.”

“Yeah, I’d rather run all around Earth with a twenty kilogram bag of rocks on my back,” I said.

“What are you afraid of?” Kaidan asked.  “We’re in a shit situation.  A bit of clarity will help.”

“The only thing that can help me is more chocolate,” I said, getting up to dump my tray.

“See, that’s what I mean,” Ash said.  “You get uncomfortable and make jokes.  Face it, Janey, you need counselling as much as the rest of us.  You have all those underlying issues with your dad and stuff.”

I rolled my eyes and turned away.  “Jane Shepard,” a voice shouted across the mess room.

“For Christ’s sake,” I mumbled, turning to face Mzu.  “What?” I asked aggressively.

“December week’s coming up, and would like to have my eight hundred credits to spend on something for my girlfriend,” he said.

I sighed.  “I don’t have any credits, Thembani,” I said.

“Well, that’s too bad,” Mzu said.  “I need to get that money one way or another.  I believe you have a very nice datapad, maybe you can give me that.”

“Not on your bloody life,” I said.  “You are not getting my datapad.”  I thought for a moment.  “I may have a solution Thembani,” I said.  “I can ask my aunt to lend me the creds.”

“Good enough for me,” Mzu said.  “I’ll send you my account number.”

“But sixteen hundred credits is so much more,” I went on.  “You have the chance to double your money.”

“Tell me more,” he said, his eyes lighting up.

“The marksman competition is in December,” I said.  “If I lose, I pay you sixteen hundred credits.  If I win, we’re quits.”

Mzu laughed.  “Too easy, Shepard,” he said.  “Everyone knows that you can handle a gun.”  He thought for a bit.  “I know,” he said.  “If your squad wins the roundrobin, I’ll consider us square.”

“I don’t know what the roundrobin is,” I said.

“Don’t worry, you’ll soon find out,” he said. 

“Alright, done,” I said, holding my hand out.  After all, other than face and sixteen thousand credits, what did I have to lose?  He shook my hand.

“Now, I have a session with Admiral Brawne, or as I like to call him, the humourless one,” I said.  “See you around, Thembani.”

..... 

Admiral Brawne’s hair seemed to be lighter than it had been six weeks ago.  “Is this man for real?” Ash whispered in my ear.  “Where does he get off being so full of himself?  He doesn’t even look all that great.”

“Maybe he has a robot girlfriend,” I hissed back and we both sniggered.

“So, I trust you had a good six weeks,” Admiral Brawne said.  “If you have practiced, well done.  If not, I will know and you will regret it.  Now today, I will be giving you a vid of a battle scenario, and you will place a squad.  You know the drill.  I will be grading you on the five point system.  Zero means excellent work.  One means good work.  Two means adequate work.  Three means poor work and four means awful work.  Your score determines how many hours you get in the next regimen.  Just know, I’ve never given a zero before.  Right, open your datapads and get to work.”

I opened the vid and started working.  At the end of the two hours, I submitted my work, certain that, whilst it might not have been brilliant work, I’d certainly gotten lower than a three.

In com we were doing radio communications.  Commander McDougal was slowly busy assessing us, and it was Kyle’s turn to be assessed.  Commander McDougal went into the next room as Kyle strapped an omnitool to his wrist and put the earpiece into his ear.

“Grunt Jones, come in,” Commander McDougal said.

Kyle looked around desperately.  “This ought to be good,” Kaidan mumbled, referring to the fact that I was more likely to get goodwill from Scipio Giovanni than we were to hear Kyle’s voice in the dormitory.

“Um, Jones here,” Kyle said softly.

“I don’t copy, Jones, can you speak up?” Commander McDougal said impatiently.

“I said ‘Jones here’,” Kyle said more clearly.

“What’s your twenty, Jones?”

“Um,” Kyle said.  “Er, um.  Well, I don’t understand the question.  Sir.”

Commander McDougal gave an impatient click of the tongue.  “What do you see, boy?” he snapped.

“A classroom,” Kyle said promptly.  “It’s full of soldiers.  There’s a board.”

“Is there anything written on the board?” Commander McDougal asked.

“I-yes sir,” Kyle said.  “’On the radio speak clearly’.”

“I don’t copy, Jones, spell it please?”

“Yes sir,” Kyle said.  “I mean acknowledged.”  I groaned and held my head in my hands as Kyle said:  “O-N T-H-E R-A-D-I-O S-P-E-A-K C-L-E-A-R-L-Y.”

I could practically hear Commander McDougal fuming over the radio.  “Hostiles headed on your nine,” he said.  “Take cover.”

“Aye aye sir,” Kyle said, taking cover on the left side of a desk.

The door to the room slammed open and Commander McDougal stormed in.  “Where are you, Jones?” he shouted.

“Here sir,” Kyle said.

Commander McDougal took a deep breath and shut his eyes.  He seemed to be counting to ten.  It didn’t seem to be working.  “Are you a complete moron, boy?” he shouted, opening his eyes again.  “If I tell you that your enemies are on your nine, what does that mean?”

“I-I don’t-,” Kyle stammered.

“Don’t you remember me teaching you to imagine the battlefield as a giant clock?” Commander McDougal continued.

“I-yes sir, but-,” Kyle began.

“If the direction you are facing is twelve o’clock, where is three o’clock?” Commander McDougal shouted.  Kyle pointed to his right.  “Where’s your six?” Kyle hesitated, then pointed behind him.  “And finally, the moment of truth.  Where’s your nine?”  Kyle pointed to the left.  “If you know this, boy, why in the name of God did you take cover facing the enemies?  Do you possess a single logical brain cell or is it all just empty air?”

“No, sir-I-,” Kyle stuttered.

“Also, it appears that all the exercises we have done on the phonetic alphabet have not sunk in,” Commander McDougal went on.  “And if I give you an order, you say aye aye.  If I give you advice for on the battle field, you say acknowledged.  If I ask you a question, you say affirmative.  Because of the fact that you generally appear to be a terrible soldier and have absolutely no common sense, I am forced to give you no marks for this exercise.  Sit down, Jones, I’m sick of the bloody sight of you.”

Kyle’s face was tomato red as he sat down and I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him.

“That wasn’t very nice,” Ash said as we walked to the gymnasium for our fitness class.

“Yeah,” I said.  “Poor Jones.”

“Oh please,” Cat said loudly from behind us.  “Daddy was right with what he did.  Jones obviously doesn’t know anything.  Lives are lost with that kind of radio communication.”

“Yeah, and this is a learning environment,” I said.  “Jones needs to be taught these things.  Besides, the only life he would have lost was his own because he took cover on the wrong side of the room.”

Cat tossed her head.  I considered punching her, but decided not to.  “Jones is incompetent,” she said.  “Someone should shut him down.”

“Hope you don’t think that that someone should be you McDougal,” I said coldly.

“Who’s going to stop me?” Cat asked softly.  “You?  The daughter of the Alliance’s worst ever officer?  It must be a terrible feeling, knowing that you were just a tool to your father, something to make up for his own mundanity.”

She turned to leave, but my fist caught her on the jaw.  “Watch what you say about my father,” I said, breathing heavily.

“You want to fight, Shepard?” she asked.  “Alright then.”

Her leg swung out of nowhere and caught me in the midriff.  I doubled over, wheezing, and her fist caught me on the chin.  I straightened and flung myself at her.

“What’s going on here?” a voice roared from behind us.  We both froze.  It was Commander McDougal.

“Shepard attacked me, sir,” Cat said at once.

“She started it,” I snapped.

“She got me on the jaw, sir,” Cat said, showing the bruise that was forming.

“So what, you kicked me and punched me on the chin,” I said angrily.  “She insulted my father, sir.”

“Enough,” Commander McDougal said.  He turned to the others.  “Who started the fight?”

“McDougal insulted Jane’s father,” Ash said.

“But who attacked first?” Commander McDougal asked.

“Shepard, sir,” Mikhail said.

“Right, Junior Recruit Shepard, I’m putting you on all night stand-to,” Commander McDougal said.  “Report to Commander Anderson at 1700 hours.”

“Yes sir,” I said coldly, and turned and stalked away.

Commander Anderson was already waiting for us with Pod 4.  “Pod 3, you’re late,” he said.  “Give me thirty.”

We groaned as we dropped down.  “Now, I’m sure you’ve already heard the grading system, so I won’t waste anyone’s time here,” Commander Anderson said as we did our push-ups.  “Hopefully you aren’t as rubbish as my squad has suddenly become.  It appears that in the week I was here with you, my XO managed to turn them into snivelling little nancies.”

“Where were you posted, sir?” one of the Pod 4 boys asked eagerly.

“I can’t tell you that, Zit-face, it’s top secret,” Commander Anderson said.  We all stood up again.  “Now that Pod 3 has taught us all why exactly you are called grunts, let’s get the show on the road.”

After a particularly vigorous warm-up from an overly-enthusiastic Pod 4 girl whom Commander Anderson referred to as Daisy, we started on the run.  The exercises Kaidan had taught us had been very helpful, and we were all much stronger and much faster. 

At the end, Commander Anderson said, “That has got to be the shittest display I have ever seen by a group of grunts.  Lurch, is that the face that you wear when you climb off your lover?  Because if it is, then I feel sorry for her.”  We all sniggered.

“I don’t know what you lot are laughing at,” Commander Anderson snapped, wiping the smiles from our faces.  “I loved the a-huffin and a-puffin, Ken.  I’m thinking of changing your name to Wolf.”

There were blank faces on all my companions.  “As in ‘The three little pigs’,” I said.  “You know, ‘I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down’.”  I clicked my fingers.  “Come on people, keep it together.”

“Congratulations, Ken, you’ve just proven that you read fairy tales,” Commander Anderson said.  “I’m not sure what that says about you.”  I wasn’t either, but I decided to look mildly insulted.  He seemed satisfied by this.  “So, even though you all sucked worse than that asari hooker I saw the other night, I still have to give you a mark between zero and three as most of you completed the exercise.  You can all expect your threes at some time tonight.  Ken, I believe we have a date tonight?”

“Yes sir,” I said, ignoring the looks of Pod 4.

“I expect you in my room at 1700 hours tonight, no excuses, and I don’t want to hear you complain that you’ll be missing supper, because I really couldn’t give a crap,” Commander Anderson said.  “Dismissed.  There’s only so much of your bandy-legs, spotty faces and bad breath I can take this early in the morning.”

..... 

I was excited for weapons and armoury.  I had the sense that everyone in the pod had improved  greatly and was looking forward to seeing everyone pass.  We were called up, one by one, to the table where the weapons parts were assembled.  We were blind-folded and had five minutes to put a shotgun, a sniper, a rifle and a pistol together.  Kaidan surprised us all by finishing the task in two and a half minutes.  Daisy went afterwards and managed to knock the entire table over.

“What the hell is she doing here?” Ash mumbled under her breath.

Mikhail and Bridget both finished within the five minutes, but Kyle panicked and somehow managed to attach the shotgun stock to the rifle barrel.  In the end Admiral Greyling had to stop him because he couldn’t get the spring to attach to the trigger.  Ismaeel finished in three minutes and forty five seconds, and Suang and Sven both finished with a couple of seconds to spare.  Unfortunately Cat finished in one minute and nine seconds.  I say unfortunately because I had to endure that smug little toss of the head.  I gritted my teeth and waited my turn.  The Pod 4 boy that went directly before me also managed to finish in less than two minutes.  For some reason, when Admiral Greyling called my name I was ridiculously nervous.  I guess I was reminded of when I was younger and had to compete with Jean and John.

I usually didn’t like having the blindfold put on, but for some reason this time it calmed me down. Admiral Greyling told me to start, and my fingers moved over the pieces in front of me.  After what felt like an age, I said, “Finished.”

There was a stunned silence.  “Junior recruit Shepard, you’ve just broken the record for fastest assembly,” Admiral Greyling said softly.

I pulled the blindfold off.  “What do you mean, sir?” I asked, squinting in the bright light.

“The previous record of one minute and four seconds, the one that is held by me, has been broken,” Admiral Greyling said.  “You did this in one minute and two seconds.”

“Oh,” I said.  I didn’t like how some of the students were looking at me.  “Well, if you don’t tell, I won’t tell sir.”

“No, it’s a good thing, Shepard,” Admiral Greyling said.  “Gives us hope for the future.  Thomas, you’re up.”

I went to stand next to Ash.  “Wow,” she whispered, squeezing my arm.  “Congrats.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled.

Part of me was surprised by the result, but there was another part of me that was kind of smug.  Yeah, Dad, I thought.  See that?  Your daughter can do something right.

I watched as Ash got the guns assembled in two minutes and fifteen seconds.  Admiral Greyling dismissed us with the promise of our results that evening.

As we walked to lunch I could hear the rest of Pod 3 muttering to each other.  I put on my poker face and avoided looking at anyone.  Ash was silent though as we picked our trays up and made our way to a table in the corner of the room.  Kaidan slid into the chair across from me.

“So, on a charge with Anderson, huh?” he asked casually, taking a sip of his orange juice.  “I don’t envy you any, Shepard.”

I smiled gratefully at him.  “Yeah, I’m not looking forward to it any,” I said.

A loud shout came from behind me.  “Shepard,” a voice bellowed.

“What now?” I mumbled, swivelling in my chair. It was Giovanni.

“So, you’re the new top bitch when it comes to shooting things?” he asked, pushing his face into mine.

I got up and moved away from him.  “No,” I said.  “I’m the new top bitch when it comes to putting guns together.  Why, do you want an autograph?”

“What the fuck do I want your autograph for?” he snapped, moving towards me again. 

“Well, then I don’t see what your problem is,” I said, moving backwards again.

“Listen to me, slut, no one is as good as me,” Giovanni hissed, stepping forward.  “What did you do, suck his cock?”

This time I stood my ground.  “Move away from me now or I punch you,” I said quietly.

“Jane, you’re already on one charge,” Ash said warningly.  I ignored her.

“I mean it, Giovanni,” I said evenly.  “I bet you don’t want to lose your rep by being taken down by a little girl.”

He laughed and took a step back.  “You think you’re so fucking good, don’t you?” he said.

“Yeah,” I said.  “At some things anyway.  I can squeeze through small cracks, that kind of thing.”

My self-deprecating humour was lost on Giovanni.  “Ok, you up for a challenge, squirt?” he asked.

“Every day is a challenge,” I said, somewhat philosophically.  “Sometimes it’s difficult for me to decide which uniform I should wear.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Giovanni snapped.  “You’re unavailable tonight, so tomorrow night we’re going to meet on the shooting range to settle this once and for all.”

“Yeah, why don’t I sign my death warrant right now?” I asked coldly, turning away. 

“Scared, Shepard?” he asked teasingly.  “Scared the nasty senior recruit is a better shot than you?  Or scared that your boyfriend Admiral Greyling’ll walk in on us.”

I turned to face him.  “Jane, don’t,” Ash hissed.

I put my face into his.  “I’ll be there,” I whispered.  “You’d better be ready, because I am an excellent shot.”

“Alright Shepard, see you at half past midnight then,” Giovanni said.  “The shooting range.  Don’t be late.”

“I won’t be,” I said.  “You’d better show up too.”

“I’ll be there,” he laughed and walked off.

“Holy crap, Shepard, what the hell?” Kaidan hissed.

“Janey, this is a bad idea,” Ash said warningly.

“Do you, like, have some sort of weird-ass psychotic death wish?” Kaidan continued.

“What?” I asked.  “We won’t be shooting at each other, only the targets.”

“Yeah, no shit you won’t be shooting at each other,” Kaidan snapped.  “You’d only be caught breaking regs.  Besides, that guy is a complete nut job.  No knowing what he’d do to you.”

“Jane, you can’t do this,” Ash said.  “It’s stupid.  There’s not much you can gain out of it and a lot you can lose.”

I sighed.  “I don’t expect either of you to understand,” I said, picking my tray up.

“Well, then make us understand,” Kaidan said angrily.  “This is stupid.”

“I understand,” Ash said quietly.  “It’s because he said you were scared, isn’t it?”

“What?” Kaidan asked.

“Ash,” I said warningly, but she just shook her head.

“Never mind,” she mumbled.

“Look, I’m going,” I said.  “And there’s nothing you can do about this.”

“We can warn the admirals,” Ash said quietly, standing up.

“You do that,” I said slowly.  “And I’ll never talk to you again, Ash.”  I looked up at the clock.  “Come on,” I said.  “We’re going to be late.”

..... 

The day dragged slowly by.  I would be missing my recon test, which meant that I would be awarded a four.  For the first time since arriving at the academy I felt truly homesick for the Hugo Grayson and for my family.  Because, as bad as my family life was at times, it was predictable, secure even.  At that moment, it felt like I was fighting a battle where I did not understand the rules, and the only way to survive was to keep going.  At five I said goodbye to Ash and Kaidan and went over to the main bunker where the staff was housed.  Commander Anderson’s room was next to the mess room.

“Come in,” he called when I knocked on the door.  I went in and saluted.  “Ah, Ken, you’ve arrived, have you?”

“Yes sir,” I said. 

“Good,” he said.  “Well, don’t bother coming in.  We’re heading for the armoury.”

“Why?” I asked apprehensively. 

“The seniors are going into the zero gravity chamber this week and we need to make sure that their armour is in top condition,” he said, stepping out of the room.  “Also, apparently Admiral Greyling is preparing to arm and unleash you on the galaxy, so we need to clean the firearms.  Do you know how to clean firearms, Ken?”

“Almost too well, sir,” I said, smiling slightly.

“Well, I wouldn’t get bored with it yet, Ken, you’ll be doing it for the rest of your military career,” Commander Anderson said.  “Unless you make it to my position.  Given the way you are currently performing, that is unlikely.”

“Why are you cleaning guns then, sir?” I asked mildly.

“Careful, Ken,” Commander Anderson said warningly.  I raised my eyebrows.  “Fine, I suppose I asked for it.  Because I don’t trust the senior recruits to check their equipment properly on the day of the drop.  Every year we lose someone because he was sloppy with his equipment.”

This was new.  I’d always assumed he hated us all, but maybe he really did cared, deep down.  We came to the armoury. 

“Armour’s in the vault,” Commander Anderson said.

Together we took all the armour pieces out into the main room.  “You do the UL,” he told me.  I picked one up.  It was the same yellow colour as they used on the Hugo Grayson.  “You need to-,” he began, but I was already putting my hand on the inside and sealing my lips against the outside.  “Never mind,” he said.  “Don’t tear it.”

I looked up at him.  “I know what I’m doing, sir,” I said.  I put my lips against the UL again.

Body armour was a great source of pride to the Alliance military.  Turians may have had the best military in the galaxy, asari the best biotics, and salarians the best intelligence, we had the best body armour.  It consisted of three layers: the under layer, the middle layer and the top layer.  The under layer looked a lot like a spandex body suit that covered the entire body apart from the face.  Its function was basically to seal in body air and moisture so that the body didn’t dry out, and if there were any holes or air pockets in the UL, it didn’t work.  The middle layer was a lot of like medieval chain mail, only lighter.  It also had three layers: the bottom to control the body’s pressure, the middle to control temperature, and the top to protect the whole lot.  It also covered the entire body apart from the face.  The top layer of the suit was pretty much just plate that covered the extremities.  It was generally very strong, but was known to shatter from high-pressure shots like sniper fire or close-range shotguns.

“So, Ken, Admiral Greyling won’t shut up about how brilliant you are with a gun,” Commander Anderson said, pressing his hand against an ML to make sure there were no holes.

I looked up.  “I’m good at putting them together,” I said.

“Yes, but there’s a saying in the marines, that the one who knows how to care for his gun, knows how to use it,” Commander Anderson said.  “Who taught you to use a gun, Ken?”

“My father,” I said.  “He trained my brother and sister and me to shoot when we were very small.”

“What about your other brother?” he asked.  “Why not him?”

“Jason?” I asked.  “He has cerebral palsy, so he wouldn’t really have made it as a marine.”

“Your father wanted you to become marines?” Commander Anderson asked.  “Like he was?”

I blushed and finished checking the UL that I was working on.  “My dad, I don’t know, he was stuck at N6 his entire life,” I explained looking up.  “It was his ambition to become N7, and when it became clear that that would never happen, he decided that his children were his only hope.”  I laughed bitterly.

“What did your mum want from you?” Commander Anderson asked quietly.

“My mom was scared of my dad, she went along with whatever he said,” I said, picking another UL up.  “My dad thought there was no way I’d even end up in the Special Forces, but he trained me all the same.”

“Do you want to become N7?” Commander Anderson asked.

I shrugged.  “I don’t know,” I said.  “Right now I’m just trying to get through basic training.”

“Well, Ken, take it from one who knows, being an N7 is not all it’s cracked up to be,” he said.

“Maybe,” I shrugged.  “It’s probably moot in any case.  Like you said, my performance isn’t all that great.”

We continued working in silence until about midnight when I finished the last UL.  “Your marks will be up Ken, do you want to take a look?” Commander Anderson asked.  “I need a smoke.”

“Thank you, sir,” I said.  I waited until he had gone outside before opening my datapad.

For whatever weird reason, everyone’s marks had all been posted in one document, which meant that everyone would be able to see everyone else’s marks.  I scrolled down until I found my name.

“’Shepard, J.’” the document read.  “’Identity number: 120361031298476.  Species: human.  Place of birth: Hugo Grayson, SSV.’”

“Goddamnit,” I mumbled.  I wondered why they would put my species down if I was attending a human academy.  Humanity wasn’t in the habit of inviting aliens to train with them.

“’Marks:’,” the document went on.  “’October, 18, 2177.  Combat tactics: 1.  Fitness: 2.  Reconnaissance: 4.  Weapons and armoury: 0.’.”

“What the fuck?” I mumbled.  I looked at the other Pod 3 marks.  Cat and Kaidan were the highest marks, Cat getting zeros for everything, and Kaidan getting zeros for everything except weapons and armoury, where he had gotten a one.  Ash had gotten ones and twos for everything.

Commander Anderson came back in.  “So Ken, is Barbie getting a celebratory rogering tomorrow morning or more of a ‘forget my troubles’ fucking?” he asked, yawning.

“Why did you give me a two?” I asked angrily.

“Because you didn’t deserve a better mark,” Commander Anderson said.

“But you gave Tobrin a two and he didn’t even finish the run,” I said, trying not to sound too whiny.

“Yes, Ken, and I could see Grub was really trying,” Commander Anderson said patiently.  “You were sort of bored for the first half, then you gassed and looked as though you were in pain for the rest.”

“But-,” I began.

“Listen to me boy, and take this to heart now or you’re in for trouble,” Commander Anderson said softly.  “Yes, the army wants talent.  They want the people like Charles Manson and Arse-Lick who just find everything we teach easy, but we also want those who know they can’t do a task, yet try their hardest anyway.  We need the tenacious ones, because they usually try their damnedest to finish a mission.”

I scowled.  “I’m a girl,” I muttered sulkily.

“Really?” Commander Anderson asked lightly.  “With all the whining and complaining you do, I would have thought you’re a man.”  He handed me a flask.  “Have some coffee, boy.”

“No thanks,” I said coldly.

“Please Ken, get off your fucking high horse,” Commander Anderson snapped.  “You can’t take every failure as a personal insult, because you’ll spend probably your entire military career feeling insulted.  Missions don’t always go according to plan, missions fail and we are left to try to get up and keep going.  Now have some coffee.  We have a long night ahead of us.”

At five o’clock the next morning I left the armoury for Combat in the conference room.  I got there to find it deserted.  I decided that before I celebrated the unexpected two hours off I should check my datapad.  To my dismay I found an announcement from Admiral Brawne saying that Combat would take place in the Warehouse (a building name that for some reason made me think of dead bodies piled everywhere) and that we needed to wear our PT gear.  So much for two hours off…

The Warehouse was on the other side of the compound, which meant I was rather breathless after rushing back to the dorm to don my PT gear and then rushing across to the Warehouse.

“Ah, Shepard,” Admiral Brawne said, turning as I ran into the building.  “So good of you to join us.”

“Sorry sir,” I gasped, massaging my chest.  “I was on all night stand to.”

“Give me thirty please, Shepard,” Admiral Brawne said.  I sighed and dropped down.  “Now, as I was saying,” he continued as I huffed my way through the push-ups.  “Next week is the hand-to-hand competition and we will be spending the rest of the week doing trials.  You will fight everyone in your pod and will have two fights a day.  The maximum number of people who can go through to the competition is three per pod, but as there are thirty two competitors in the first round there will be a pod that has less going through.  These soldiers here-,” he waved his hand at the group artillery men standing behind him, “-are from the Fifty Second Heavy Brigade and they have kindly given up a week of their leave to umpire these rounds.”  I stood up, gasping.  “Now, the first bouts are as follows,” Admiral Brawne continued.  “Alenko versus Williams in ring one, Chokovic versus Tobrin in ring two, Fredrich versus Sonier in ring three, Abrahams versus Zonus in ring four, Brown versus van Schijk in ring five, and Brutzevia versus Thomas in ring six.  Do you all remember the rules or do I need to repeat them?”

The rules were pretty much anything goes as long as you don’t kill your opponent.  The bout would when someone was knocked out or tapped and there would be no rounds.  “No sir,” we murmured.

I made my way over to ring one to watch Ash and Kaidan have at it.  We had done some hand-to-hand in combat before and I was relatively good.  I had a black belt in karate, but could only win a fight under two circumstances: the fight didn’t go on too long (due to asthma), and my opponent didn’t hit me too often (due to lack of height and weight).  I had won a few fights.  I had also lost a few.  Then there had been one memorable fight where Cat and I had started halfway into the session, and were still having at it by the end.  I was kind of looking forward to a rematch.

Ash and Kaidan were both good though.  I hadn’t faced Kaidan, but he was yet to lose a fight.  Ash had started karate when she was twelve, but she was already a brown belt.  She had somehow managed to incorporate her ballet training into her fighting style, making her move with a strange kind of grace in her fights. 

Their bout went on for the longest.  Mikhail knocked Zac out almost immediately, and they joined me at ring one.  Pierre versus Bridget went on for far longer, but Bridget eventually got Pierre to tap when she got him into an arm bar.  All the Pod 4 fights were finished by this stage and a large crowd had gathered around ring one.  It was an excellent bout, with neither letting the pressure up at all.  Eventually, after about ten minutes, Kaidan finally knocked Ash down and got on top of her.  She squirmed to get out, but he kept at it until she tapped.

“The next fights are: Jones versus Shepard in ring one, Khan versus McDougal in ring two, Kim versus Mahlberg in ring three, De Valentino versus Rosiensky in ring four, Edwards versus Martins in ring five, and Holt versus Marefo in ring six,” Admiral Brawne announced.

“Good luck,” Ash mumbled as I kicked my shoes off and pulled my gloves on.  Her lip was cut and her right eye was swelling up.

“Thanks,” I murmured and climbed into the ring.

Poor Kyle was visibly trembling when we met in the middle of the ring.  He was yet to win a bout or indeed have a fight that lasted longer than two minutes.  I decided to go easy-ish on him.  His self-esteem was poor enough as it was. 

“Touch fists,” the umpire said boredly.  I tapped my fist against Kyle’s, then started circling around him.

When it became clear that he wasn’t going to lead off the attack, I went for a very obvious right hook that anyone with half a brain would have seen coming and thus been able to dodge.  My fist connected squarely with his jaw and he fell to the ground.  He gulped and spat a mouthful of blood out.  “I tap,” he gasped.

“What the fuck?” I asked angrily.

“Congratulations,” the umpire said in the same bored tone.  “You won.”  He got a datapad out and tapped something into it.

“You,” I snapped at Kyle.  “With me.”

I climbed out of the ring with him in tow and went over to the first-aid table.  “Why didn’t you fight back?” I asked as an aid washed his mouth out.

He spat some red-stained water into the bowl the aid offered him.  “Cos you would’ve beaten me,” he said quietly.

Good point.  “So?” I asked.  “You didn’t even try to defend yourself.”

“It’s humiliating,” he mumbled.  “You’re half my size and you’re a girl.”

Well, so much for transformation.  “Yeah, and I’ve been doing martial arts since I was five,” I said.  “I’ve had a lot more practice.”

“I’m not very good at this, Shepard,” Kyle said, a slightly whiney tone in his voice.

“What, talking?” I asked.  “Yeah, I know.”

“No, I mean, I’m not a very good soldier.”

“But you requested to be sent here,” I said.

“Yeah,” Kyle answered.

I tried to imagine how it must feel, to really want to do something, only to learn that you actually suck at it.

“Look, Jones, you want some free advice?” I asked.  “The trainers, sure they want to see some ability, but they also want to see that you’re trying.  No one has sympathy for a martyr, but everyone likes the one who doesn’t give up, despite the odds.”

“But it’s hard to keep going when you’re always losing,” Kyle said.

I knew that feeling all too well.  “Yeah, I know,” I said, calmly.  “I’ll help you though, and so will the others.  You’re not alone here, Jones.”

I got up to leave.  “Hey, Shepard?” Kyle asked.  “Why are you helping me?”

“Because I know what it feels like to never be good enough,” I said.

“Yeah right,” Kyle mumbled.  “Thanks though.”

I found Ash and Kaidan watching Suang getting the crap beaten out of him by Sven.  “Hey Shepard,” Kaidan said.  “Good fight.  Very exciting.”

“Shut up,” I mumbled.  “What did I miss?”

“McDougal knocked Khan out,” Ash said.  “Oh, and Edwards, you know, Daisy, is actually pretty good.  She got her opponent to tap.”

“And Ash now has a crush on De Valentino from four,” Kaidan said, sounding strangely sulky.  For some reason his tone made me angry.

“Which one’s De Valentino?” I asked, looking away.  We had all our practical classes with Pod 4, but we never really mingled, and I didn’t know any of their names.

“The one with the curly blonde hair,” Ash said.  “You know, Anderson calls him ‘Cupid’.”

A dim picture of a dimpled, blonde boy with perfect teeth formed in my mind.  “Oh yeah,” I said, more for Kaidan’s benefit.  “Yeah, he’s very cute.”

“You think so too?” Kaidan asked, still sounding sulky.

“Yeah, definitely,” I said, not looking at him.  At that moment Suang was knocked out by a powerful upper-cut.

“The next bouts are Alenko versus Chokovic in ring one, Fredrich versus Tobrin in ring two, Jones versus Sonier in ring three, Abrahams versus Brown in ring four, Brutzevia versus van Schijk in ring five, and De Valentino versus Thomas in ring six,” Admiral Brawne announced.

Ash and I moved to ring one to cheer Kaidan on.  “Ash,” I said as the bout began.  “Do you like Kaidan?”

“What?” Ash asked.  “Sure, I guess.  He’s a bit strange, but then, who isn’t in this place?”

“No, I mean-,” I began to blush furiously and hoped my skin was sunburnt enough to hide it.  “Do you like-like him?”

“No, of course not,” Ash said.  “He’s not really my type.  I prefer muscles.  Why do you ask?”  She saw my face.  “Oh my God, you like him.”

“No I don’t,” I said quickly.

“Yes you do,” Ash said.  She started laughing.  “Janey is finally in love.”

“I’m not,” I snapped.  “I was only asking because he likes you.”

“I know,” Ash said.  “And if he asks me out I’ll say no, but there’s a wonderful half-Chinese, half-American girl who is seriously hot and a brilliant soldier and who you can get drunk on two cosmos that’s interested.”

Horrifying thought that.  “No, don’t,” I said.  “Especially not the cosmos bit.”

“Fine,” Ash sighed.  “Ruin my fun, why don’t you?”  She clapped her hands together.  “Oh, I feel all motherly now.  My little baby is all grown up.”

“Oh, shut up Ash,” I sighed.  I cheered as Kaidan knocked Mikhail out.  I glanced up at the clock.  There was another twelve minutes left before we had to be in com.  “Guess we’ll be fighting next,” I said.

“Yeah,” Ash said.  “When we do come up against each other, will you go easy on me?”

“Please,” I said.  “I get the feeling I should be saying that to you.”  I looked over at ring three to see that the bout between Kyle and Pierre was already over.  Oh well, people can’t change overnight. 

“Hey there,” Zac said, coming over to us.  Bridget had gotten him to tap out, and he sported a black eye from where Pierre had knocked him out.  “I’m done for the day.”

“How’s the eye?” Ash asked.

“Not too bad,” he said.  “I iced it for quite a while.  At least I stand a good chance of beating Jones.”

“Be nice to Jones,” I said.  “He’s not a very good soldier.”

“Empathy for your enemy is a dangerous trait,” Cat said from behind me.

“Nobody asked you, McDougal,” I said.

“I’d be careful, Shepard,” Sven said.  “I’ll give you an accident.”

“Why not wait until we’re in the ring together, Mahlberg,” I asked.  “You can take me out legally there.”

“Yeah, good idea,” Sven said, seemingly pleased.  I sighed. 

Fortunately Cupid knocked his opponent out.  “The final bouts for the day are Khan versus Shepard in ring one, Kim versus McDougal in ring two, Mahlberg versus Williams in ring three, Edwards versus Rosiensky in ring four, Holt versus Martins in ring five, and Marefo versus Zonus in ring six,” Admiral Brawne announced.

“Seriously?” Ash asked.  “I have to fight Lurch now?”

“Give ‘em hell, Williams,” I said.

“Yeah, you too,” Ash said.  “Hm, I wonder who Alenko will watch.  Will it be the stunningly beautiful colony kid or the tough as nails spacer?”

“Fuck off,” I mumbled and climbed into the ring where Ismaeel was already waiting.

“I would get the two who are actually good at fighting first,” he mumbled to the bored umpire.

“Not my problem, bub,” the umpire said.  “Touch fists.”

This fight was far more exciting than my first.  It went on for longer for one thing, and we both got some good shots in.  In fact, we were the last ones still fighting, which meant that everyone was gathered around the ring at the end.  I was getting tired and my lungs were starting to feel tight.  I think Ismaeel was also tired, because I got him down with a very easy kick to the stomach.  He fell to his knees, and I finished him off with a blow to the side of the head.

Ash ran up to me the moment I climbed out of the ring.  “I knocked Mahlberg out,” she said excitedly.

“No kidding?” I asked.  She looked a mess.  Her lip was bleeding badly and it looked like her nose was broken.

“Ja,” she said.  “I did a flying kick to the face.”

“You hit his face?” I asked in amazement.

“No, of course not,” Ash said.  “He’s double my height.  I hit his chest.  I don’t think he was expecting it though.  He went down, so I got side-control and hit him until he was out.”

“Didn’t he tap?” I asked. 

“I don’t think he knows how to tap to be honest,” Ash said.

“Attention everyone,” Admiral Brawne called.  We all fell silent.  “The tallies stand as follows: in first place for Pod 3 we have Alenko, Fredrich, McDougal and Shepard.  In second place are Chokovic, Mahlberg, Sonier and Williams.  In third place we have Jones, Khan, Kim and Tobrin.”

“Congrats,” Ash whispered, as Admiral Brawne read the tallies for Pod 4.

“Yeah, you too,” I whispered back.  “You’ll make it to the top soon enough, I’m sure.”

“This is the first time there’s ever been so many women in the top,” Zac whispered in my ear.  “Someone needs to take McDougal out soon though.  I can’t bear the thought of her representing us at the competition.”

Admiral Brawne dismissed us and we rushed to change and make it to com.  Nothing exciting happened in com apart from a gas drill.  Every now and then something shifted to blow more nuclear fallout than was healthy over the compound and we had to put our gas masks on and go to the underground shelters scattered around the academy until the all-clear rang.  Sometimes these drills were only a few minutes long, other times they went on for several hours.  Unfortunately, this particular drill was only fifteen minutes long.  I was hoping to miss fitness.  My next hope was that, since so many of us were injured or had concussion, fitness would be cancelled, but no, Commander Anderson was waiting for us in the gymnasium, same as always.

“Aren’t you all a sight for sore eyes?” he asked as we gathered around him.  “Hand-to-hand competition trials?”

“Yes sir,” we all murmured. 

“Well, if you’re hoping that this means I’ll let you off today, you’ve got another think coming,” he said.  “Barbie, who did that to your face?”

“Charles Manson and Lurch, sir,” Ash said.

“Hm,” Commander Anderson said.  “Didn’t Ken come to your rescue?”

“No sir,” Ash said.  “She, uh, he was busy fighting Who? and Saddo.”

“Goddamn, I was brilliant with the nicknames this year,” Commander Anderson murmured, more to himself.  “How about you, Daisy, who did you fight?”

“Grease and Annie, sir,” Daisy answered.

“See?” Commander Anderson asked.  “I didn’t even mean to give them the names of musicals from the twentieth century, but somehow it worked.”  We all stared at him.  “Never mind,” he sighed.  “So, most of you proved that you can carry a backpack loaded with bricks around for two hours,” he went on.  “Those who got a two or higher will get the chance for a do-over in December, when I’m here again.  For the rest of the week, we will be working in the obstacle course.  Follow me, please.”  
We followed him outside.  The obstacle course was behind the admin building and immediately looked like my worst nightmare.

“Now, as you see, there are six components to the obstacle course,” Commander Anderson said.  “We will do one a day for the rest of the week.  At the moment I am more interested in technique than I am in speed, but I will be assessing you on both when we see each other again in December.  So the six components are: leopard crawls under the barbed wire, duck-n-run behind these rocks, crawling through the tunnel, wading through the pool, climbing the spider-web, and sliding the gorge.  So, for today, it’s leopard crawls.  You will be going two at a time, and if I feel that you haven’t done it right, for example, if any part of your anatomy touches the wire or sticks up to far or if you don’t hold your rifle right, you will give me fifty.”

“Rifle sir?” one of the Pod 4 boys asked.

“Thank you for reminding me, Annie,” Commander Anderson said.  He led the way to a table.  “Take one.  They’re the same size, so you needn’t fight over it.”

We all picked a rifle up.  I was quite excited for this.  I had done a lot of this stuff already, apart from the slide and the tunnel.  I wasn’t actually looking forward to the tunnel.  I had an issue with enclosed spaces.

“Now, watch,” Commander Anderson said.  He crawled neatly underneath the barbed wire.  “You are down on your elbows and thighs,” he called over his shoulder.  “Your belly is touching the ground.  Your head is low, but looking up.  Your strong hand needs to be holding the rifle so that your forefinger is on the trigger, and your weak hand is holding the barrel.  You come out on your knee like this,” he climbed out and went down on one knee.  “Do you understand?”

“Yes sir,” we chorused.

“Right then, Clown-Face, and Charles Manson, you’re up,” Commander Anderson said.

I went with the boy called Rosiensky, who Commander Anderson called Zit-Face, under the wire.  Commander Anderson made no comment to me about my technique, but made Zit-Face do push-ups because his bum kept touching the wire.  By the end of the two hours I had gone under the wire thirteen times.  We were all covered in a thick, red dust and had minor scratches and scrapes on our elbows and legs.

“I wonder what it’s like to live without pain,” Bridget mumbled gloomily as we changed back into our uniforms.

“Probably like being dead,” Ismaeel said.

By the time we got to the armoury I was feeling my sleepless night and lack of coffee.  I soon cheered up though when Admiral Greyling told us he would be spending the rest of the week teaching us how to use a pistol, a rifle and a shotgun.  He spent the first hour teaching us how to hold the pistol, as well as the correct stance, how to aim and how to reload.  We were being taught with a Scorpion, which was apparently miles better than the Spider9 model my father had taught me to use.  Finally, after what felt like a year of explanations on techniques I already knew, Admiral Greyling gave us the chance to shoot at the targets in our own time.  I soon forgot everything else as I became absorbed in the target and the kick of the gun.

“Stance, Shepard,” Admiral Greyling said, walking past me.

I was standing in the safe stance, facing sideways, pistol in my right hand and my left hand at my side.  If a soldier had enough certainty in his aim, he stood like that because it gave a smaller target.  However, Admiral Greyling had told us to use the steady stance, still sideways but with our left hand also on the gun to minimise the impact of the kick, until we were used to the weapon.

“I’m already used to the gun, sir,” I said, aiming at the bull’s eye and firing.  The targets were far closer to me than I was used to, probably to allow the others to practice aiming up close before moving to a distance, and I was making a neat little circle around the bull’s eye.

At the end of the session, Admiral Greyling had us bring him our targets.  The only person who was anywhere near as accurate as me was Cat.  She was actually very good, and I could sort of see where she got her conceit from.

As we walked back to the Pod 3 bunker, Bridget said, “I finally get to use a gun and discover that I have terrible aim.”

“You can’t expect to be brilliant first time,” Cat said in a superior tone.

“Easy for you to say,” Ismaeel mumbled.

“Actually, McDougal is right,” I said.  “It took me eleven years of practice to get as good as I am.  But there are all kinds of exercises you can do to improve your aim.”

“Like what?” Zac asked.

“Throw things at other things,” I said.  “Like…I need a volunteer.  Ash?”

“Ja?” Ash asked nervously.  “What are you going to do, Jane?”

“Take your beret off and go stand over there,” I said, pointing to a spot in front of me about seven feet away.

“Oh Christ, not again,” Ash mumbled, doing as I asked.

I picked a pebble up and tossed it at Ash.  It arced through the air, landing perfectly in the beret.  “Just throw things at other things,” I said, shrugging.  “Even if you miss, it’s good practice.  And Cat and I will help you guys out, same as last time.”

..... 

I had almost forgotten about my date with Giovanni until I saw him standing ahead of me in the lunch queue.  Ash must have seen him too, because she said to me, “Are you still going out tonight?”

“Yeah,” I said casually.  “Why do you ask?”

“Because it’s a bad idea,” Ash said.  “The risks are far greater than the benefits.  In fact, I can only think of one benefit: you outshoot Giovanni.  The risks are that he attacks you, you get caught, he betrays you, he tampers with your gun-,”

“Thanks Ash, I get the picture,” I said.  “Look, it’s none of your business.  You’re not the one who will get into trouble.”

“I came to the academy to protect you, Jane,” Ash said.  “I’d be doing a shitty job if I let you go out on your own.”

“I appreciate that, Ash, but I’m a big girl now,” I said.  “I can look after myself.”  I took my tray from the catering corps woman.  “I’m going,” I said.  “That’s final.”

She scowled, but said nothing more.

 .....

I had not forgotten my goal to find out what had really happened to the Hugo Grayson, but I hadn’t really had the opportunity to do more research.  That evening, in propaganda hour, my resolve was hardened.

I sat in my usual stupor through reports on the Alliance outpost on Tuchanka, plans to build a new space ship with the turian army that would be stronger and better than all other Alliance ships, and a rogue VI on the Citadel that hacked into several people’s credit accounts before being disabled.

“And now, in other news,” the newsreader said.  “The remains of the Lady Victoire were found this morning on Zion, in the Hades Gamma cluster.  The ship was reported missing five days ago.  We go now to our reporter in Seattle for more on the story.”

The report cut to a young, dark-haired woman.  “On October 13, the Lady Victoire was officially declared missing in action after it failed to report to Skyllia where it had been due to dock,” she said soberly.  “Present on the ship was General Alberto, who was returning to Skyllia to visit his family.  This morning a ship from the quarian fleet reported the location of the ship on Zion.  There was no sign of the crew and the Alliance has officially reported them killed in action.  When we pointed out to the admiral of the Alliance Air Force, Admiral Boris Barishka, that this is the fifth Alliance ship whose crew has disappeared, he had this to say:”

Admiral Barishka’s face filled the screen.  “What has happened is a tragedy and we are doing everything we can to determine who is kidnapping our soldiers,” he said.  “Our deepest sympathies go to the families of those serving on the Lady Victoire and the four other ships whose crews disappeared.”

“When asked, humanity’s ambassador to the Citadel, Donnel Udina refused to confirm that batarian war ships were behind this,” Dianna Allers continued.  “As to what the Alliance will do in retaliation remains to be seen.  Coming to you from across the Milky Way, this is Dianna Allers for the Alliance News Network, Seattle.”

A loud whispering filled the room as the news cut back to the anchor.  “Quiet,” Nina ordered tersely and the whispering subsided.

“What the hell is going on?” I whispered quietly to Ash and Kaidan.  “Why the batarians?”

“Skyllia is very close to the Alpha system, it seems logical,” Ash whispered back.

“Yeah, and Aralakh is on the other side of the galaxy,” I hissed, casting a glance at Nina, who seemed deep in thought.  “To me this just seems like a convenient excuse.”

“General Alberto though,” Kaidan whispered.  “He’s one of our greatest officers.”

“I know,” Ash whispered.  “It’s horrible.”

The news report was all anybody talked about as we walked to the Annexe for recon.  Even as Admiral Hackett explained the principles of distance-recon, everyone was still whispering.  Eventually Admiral Hackett stopped talking.  “Listen, what the hell is going on?” he asked.  “Am I becoming that old and boring that no one pays attention anymore?”

“Is that a ‘poor me’ I hear?” I mumbled.

“Sir, we just had our news hour,” Cat said.

“Of course,” Admiral Hackett said.  “I assume you saw the news about Skyllia.”

“Yes sir,” Cat said.

“Well, then let me assure you that we are doing everything we can to get to the bottom of this…tragedy,” Admiral Hackett said.

We were all silent, then Zac voiced what we were all thinking.  “Will there be a war, sir?” he asked quietly.

Admiral Hackett paused.  “I don’t know yet what the outcome will be,” he said heavily.  “But if there is a war, we need you to be trained to be at your best, and for that to happen, you need to learn how to do distance recon.  Everyone open your datapads please.”

We spent the rest of the session reading on how to do distance recon.  I was, by this stage, very tired and I hoped that whatever Giovanni had in store for me wouldn’t take too long.  My body was feeling the punishment of the fight with Ismaeel and I was beginning to wonder if I was getting flu.  Then I realised I was probably trying to find some reason not to go out, so I quit this line of thinking.

I waited until there was absolute silence in the dorm before getting up and pulling my uniform on and sneaking out.

It was an unusually cool evening and I pulled my beret off and put it in front of my mouth and nose to stop my breath-mist from showing.  I was almost at the shooting range when I heard someone behind me curse.

I froze and ducked behind a bin.  I listened, and could hear someone breathing heavily somewhere behind me.  I skirted around the other side of the bin, and, keeping low, ran around behind whoever was following me.  In the faint light I caught sight of a blonde ponytail.  I charged at the blonde ponytail-wearer, bringing her down around her knees.

She gave an ear-splitting shriek and together we fell to the ground.  “Who’s there?” a voice called from far behind us.

“Shut up,” I hissed, putting my hand over Ash’s mouth.  “Alenko, get down.”

Kaidan flung himself to the ground next to me.  Footsteps passed impossibly near us.  “Stop being an idiot, Kazke,” a voice said.  “It was probably a bird or something.”

“Are there even birds left on Earth?” a second voice asked sceptically.  “Nah, that was a human voice.”

“Well then it was one of the other guard posts,” the first voice said.  “No one is going to break regs.  They know the consequences.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” the second voice said.  “Come on, we’d better get back to our post.”

I waited until the footsteps had faded away before rolling off of Ash.  “What the fuck are you two doing here?” I hissed.

“We came to persuade you to go back to the dorm,” Kaidan whispered.

“I’m not going back to the dorm,” I whispered furiously.  “I’ve already told you, I’m doing this.”

“Then we’re coming with,” Ash whispered.

“For Christ sake, you’re impossible, both of you,” I hissed.  There wasn’t time to argue.  I was already late.  “Fine,” I snapped in an undertone.  “On your heads be it.  Come on.”  
I led the way to the shooting range, keeping down and below cover as much as possible.  The shooting range was plunged in darkness.  “Shut the door,” I said to Ash.

She did so and I flicked the lights on.  “Giovanni?” I called.

“He’s not here, Jane,” Ash said.

“He’s coming,” I said confidently.  “He’s not the type to issue a challenge and not show up.”

“If you say so,” Kaidan mumbled.

“If you aren’t happy you can always go back,” I said.

“Like fuck,” Kaidan mumbled.  “We’re in this together now.”

“Whatever,” I said.  “We wait.”

We waited for an hour.  The first fifteen minutes I sat in the corner.  The final forty five minutes I paced up and down the shooting range.

“Jane,” Ash said quietly.

“Shut up,” I snapped.

“He’s not coming, Jane,” Ash said.  “This is a set up or something.”

I closed my eyes.  “If this was a set up, we would already have been caught,” I said.

“I guess,” Ash said.  “In any event, he’s not coming.”

I sighed.  “Looks like I dragged you out here for no reason,” I said.  “Let’s get back to the dorm.”

I shut the lights off again and led the way outside.   And ran straight into Giovanni.

“I’ve got her,” he shouted.

There were twelve recruits standing outside, including Zac.  A tall boy from Pod 4 grabbed Kaidan, and a young woman from Pod 1 pulled Ash into a half-Nelson.

“Breaking regs, huh?” Giovanni crowed.  “So the top dog isn’t quite as top as we thought.  What were you doing in there, having a threesome?”

“Go fuck yourself,” I snapped, twisting in his grasp.

Giovanni clicked his tongue.  “Not very polite, Shepard,” he said, shaking me a little.  “Come on, let’s take them to their CO.”

We were left in the rec room with the guard from Pod 2 whilst Giovanni and Zac went to wake Nina and Liam.

“Let me do the talking,” I whispered to Ash and Kaidan.

“Gladly,” Kaidan muttered.

“What the hell is going on here?” Nina shouted, storming in.  “You Shepard, I would believe, but Williams, Alenko?”

“It’s not their fault, ma’am,” I said quietly.

“Oh boy this ought to be good,” Liam said.  “What lies can Shepard spin this time around?”

“Giovanni, explain to me what happened,” Nina snapped.

“Yes ma’am,” Giovanni said.  “I was on guard with Tobrin when I saw someone go past.  I pointed this out to Tobrin, but he hadn’t seen anything.  We tracked them to the shooting range and saw them go inside.  I told Tobrin to fetch the other guards and we waited outside until these three came out.”

“I see,” Liam said.  “What were you doing in the shooting range?”

I cleared my throat.  “It’s my fault, sir,” I said.  “I was feeling good about this morning’s weapons class, so I persuaded Williams and Alenko to come to practice our aim.”

Nina frowned.  “Is this true?” she asked Ash.

“Um, ja,” Ash said unconvincingly.  “Ja, totally.  Ma’am,” she added hastily.

“Goddamnit, this happens every year, Ruben,” Liam said.

“I know, Canning,” Nina snapped impatiently.  “I sentence the three of you to forty eight hours’ stand to commencing at 0500 hours on Tuesday morning and ending at 0500 hours on Thursday morning.”

“Thank you ma’am,” I said quietly, saluting and trying not to laugh at the total look of horror on Giovanni’s face.  Kaidan and Ash also saluted.

“Now get out of my sight,” Nina snapped.  “And if I ever hear about you three breaking regs, you’ll be out on your asses so fast your head’ll spin.”  She stormed out of the room, Liam in tow.

“This isn’t over, Shepard,” Giovanni hissed malevolently.

“Go suck a dick, Giovanni, I couldn’t care less,” I muttered.  “Good night.”

I led the way back to the dorm.

“You’re such an idiot, Jane,” Ash whispered as we changed out of our uniforms.

“Yeah, I know Ash,” I said.  I swallowed.  “Look, I appreciate that you guys had my back.  It’s good to know I have friends like you two.”

“Never leave a man behind,” Kaidan said.

“And sorry I got you into trouble,” I continued.

“It was bound to happen at some point,” Ash whispered, rolling her eyes and getting into bed.  “Sleep well.”

“Yeah, you too,” I whispered back.

..... 

The next morning kicked off with Suang being dumped into a bin filled with left-overs from previous meals.  The bins stood outside in preparation to be sent off to fuel firms to be turned into ship fuel.  The bins were approximately four foot in height and the one Suang was dumped into was full almost to the brim and had been standing outside for nearly two weeks.

“Happy birthday, Squints,” one of the seniors shouted, pushing the lid down and sitting on top of it.

“Ugh, I’m not looking forward to my birthday,” I muttered.  Your birthday was basically the day that the entire academy made your life as miserable as possible.

“Mine’s next month,” Ash said.  “I want to be sixteen forever.”

“Mine’s in December week,” Kaidan said.

“Bastard,” I laughed, punching him in the arm.  I caught sight of Ash’s knowing grin, and dropped my gaze.

We picked our breakfast trays up and sat at our customary table in the corner.  A few minutes later a wet and dishevelled Suang came in and picked his tray up.  I waved him over.  The moment he sat down I wished I hadn’t.

“God, Kim, you smell rank,” Kaidan said, pulling a face.

“Yeah,” Suang muttered.  “Look at my breakfast.”

It consisted of a large bowl of sand and a smaller bowl of something greenish that I was almost positive had been scraped from the floor of the showers.

“Ah,” I said.  “Is the coffee any good at least?”

“I’m not sure it’s coffee,” Suang said sulkily.  “At home on Zhu’s Hope my parents would throw me a party on my birthday.  They didn’t throw me into the slops bucket.”  He picked up his coffee cup and spat it out all over the table with a loud cry.

“Goddamnit,” he screamed.  “It’s fucking vinegar.”

“Cheer up Squints,” Ash said.  “It could be a lot worse.”

“How?” Suang asked.  “How could it get worse?”

“You could have been put upside down in that bucket,” Ash said, shrugging.

“I was upside down,” Suang snapped.  “I swallowed a huge mouthful of that crap.”

“Oh,” Ash said.  “Well, then I got nothing.”

“Aren’t you going to eat your breakfast, Kim?” De Sante asked, walking past with Risch and Giovanni.

Suang pulled a face and had a tentative mouthful of sand and pulled a face.  He reached into his BOL and pulled his water bottle out.

“Didn’t you piss in Kim’s water bottle, Risch?” Giovanni asked in interest, watching Suang drink down a mouthful.

“Yeah, I did, didn’t I?” Risch answered. 

Suang turned a nasty green colour and ran from the room, his hand over his mouth.  Loud cries of laughter and animal sounds followed him.

“How intelligent,” I mumbled, returning to my fruit salad.

Giovanni turned to me.  “So we had three bad little children last night, did we?” he asked softly.

“You’re a dick, Giovanni,” I said just as softly.  “Don’t worry though, it was only a matter of time before I was put on forty eight hour watch.  I’m however impressed that you were able to come up with such a brilliant plan.  I thought you were far stupider.”

“What did you say to me?” Giovanni hissed angrily.

“I said you’re as dumb as cat shit,” I said calmly.  “Now excuse me, I have class.”  I got up and picked my tray up.  Giovanni blocked my way.

“Don’t talk to me like that,” he said softly.

“What are you going to do, hit a girl?” I asked.  He hesitated.  “Yeah, didn’t think so,” I said.  I pushed past him.

Next thing I know I was on my back, a splitting pain in my head.  Giovanni had hit me on the temple with his tray.    All around me were screams and shouts.  “What the hell is going on?” I heard Nina bellow.

“Giovanni hit Shepard with a tray,” Ismaeel said.  “She walked past him and he hit her.”

“Is this true, Giovanni?” Nina asked.

“She cheeked me, ma’am,” Giovanni said at once.

“That’s not what I asked, Giovanni, I asked if what Khan said is true,” Nina snapped.

“I-yes, ma’am,” Giovanni said.

“Are you alright?” Ash asked in a low voice.

“Yeah,” I said, trying to sit up.  The floor swayed alarmingly beneath me and I slumped back down.

“Just stay down, Shepard,” Nina said angrily.

“I’m fine,” I snapped.

“Giovanni, I’m seriously sick of you always being behind some form of violence in this pod,” Nina shouted at Giovanni.  “So what if Shepard cheeked you?  If you brought the complaint to me, she would have been punished and you would have walked away.  As it is, I have no choice but to bring this before the pod warden.”

I sat up again.  This time the floor stayed where it was.  “And you, Shepard,” Nina shouted, turning on me.  “You’d better watch yourself or you’ll go the same way as Giovanni.”

“Yes ma’am,” I mumbled.  “Sorry ma’am.”

“Take her to the med bay, get that cut seen to,” Nina ordered.  “Giovanni, with me.”

Cut?  What cut?  I put my hand to the side of my head and it came away covered in blood.  “Oh Christ,” I muttered.

“Come on, Jane,” Kaidan said.  “Can you stand?”

I considered.  “Yeah,” I said.  I got slowly to my feet.  Apart from a ringing in my ears, everything seemed to be in order.

“Let’s get you to the med bay,” Ash said.

“I don’t need to go to the med bay,” I said.  “Honestly, I’m fine.”

“That’s a nasty cut, Shepard,” Kaidan said doubtfully.  “You should get it looked at.”

“I’ve had worse,” I insisted.  “I just need it cleaned and bandaged, and I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure?” Kaidan asked.  I nodded.  “Alright, Williams tell Brawne we’re on our way.  Come on, Shepard.”

He took my hand and led me to the bathroom.  Despite my confusion I couldn’t help notice how nice his hand felt in mine, all warm and rough.  I felt myself blush.

He sat me down on the floor and pulled his first-aid kit from his BOL.  “You’re a real idiot, you know, Jane?” he asked, wetting a piece of cotton-wool and pressing it against the wound.

“Can’t argue with you on that one,” I said.  He applied disinfectant to the cotton and pressed it hard against the wound.  I let out an involuntary hiss of pain.

“When you said you’d had worse, what did you mean?”  He asked, pulling a piece of sticking plaster from the first-aid kit.

“Oh, my father-I mean I’m very clumsy,” I said.  “I once accidently poured boiling water over my leg.  I was ten.”

“How do you accidently pour boiling water over your leg?” Kaidan asked, putting a fresh piece of cotton-wool on the wound and sticking the plaster over it.

I shrugged.  It’d hurt like hell, I remembered.  I couldn’t walk for close to four months.  I still had the scar on my right leg, stretching from my ankle all the way to the middle of my thigh.

“All done,” Kaidan said.  For one strange moment I had the urge to kiss him.  What was happening to me?

“We’d better get to class,” I said.

“Yeah,” Kaidan said.  “Listen, Jane, maybe you should sit this one out.  You got banged up quite badly.”

“Fuck that,” I said, getting to my feet.  “Right now you’re my only real competition.  I can’t let you steal the glory.”

“Ha, bring it on,” Kaidan said, laughing.  “You might have all your fancy training, but I have sixteen years of living on the streets behind me.  Come on.”

 .....

We went back to the dorm so that I could change into my spare PT vest, then rushed to the Warehouse.  Admiral Brawne glared at us, but made no comment.

“So the first bouts are Alenko versus Fredrich in ring one, Chokovic versus Williams in ring two, Jones versus Tobrin in ring three, Abrahams versus Brutzevia in ring four, Brown versus Zonus in ring five, and De Valentino versus Van Schijk in ring six,” he announced.

“Ugh, I’m scared of that woman,” Kaidan mumbled, watching Bridget do some complex warm-up movements.

“She’s quite nice actually,” I said. 

“Maybe, but she weighs twice as much as I do,” Kaidan said, kicking his shoes off.

“Well, don’t break a leg then,” I said.  “I’m going to watch Jones versus Tobrin.  Should be either very boring or very exciting.”

“Enjoy,” Kaidan mumbled sulkily.

I walked over to ring two, where the fight did prove to be very exciting.  Zac knocked Kyle down very quickly.  Kyle raised his hand.  “Don’t you dare tap, Jones,” I screamed.

His eyes locked on mine, and he nodded.  He got slowly to his feet and raised his hands.  “Going to have to do better than that, Tobrin,” he shouted.

“I’m not sure I can,” Zac, who seemed to be shocked that one of his blows had actually connected, said.

Then they had at it, full hammer-and-tongs style.  In the end, the fight ended when Zac TKOed Kyle, but it took close to ten minutes for him to do this.  When Zac saw what he had done he went white.  “Erm, sorry, Kyle mate,” he said.  “Didn’t mean for that to happen.”

“Wow, that was pretty damn good,” Ash said.  She had won her fight with Mikhail with relative ease.  “Just goes to show, don’t count the underdogs out.”

We turned to watch Bridget and Kaidan, the last fight still going.  Both of them were covered in blood, but they weren’t easing the pressure up.  “So anything happen between you and Kaidan when he patched you up?” Ash asked conspiratorially.

“No, why?” I asked.

“Because well, you’re into him and he got you alone,” Ash said.

“Ash, I was covered in blood at the time,” I said, blushing again.  “Not exactly romantic.  Besides, I’m not into him.”

At that moment Kaidan knocked Bridget down.  She tapped immediately.  “Something tells me Lumps wanted that fight to end,” Ash mused.

“The next bouts are Khan versus Sonier in ring one, Kim versus Shepard in ring two, Mahlberg versus McDougal in ring three, Edwards versus Thomas in ring four, Holt versus Rosiensky in ring five, and Marefo versus Martins in ring six,” Admiral Brawne announced.

I looked over to where Suang was standing, looking miserable.  He was still covered in the gunk from the bins and had what looked suspiciously like vomit down the front of his shirt.  “Sweet Jesus,” I mumbled.

“Ugh,” Ash said.  “He looks rather gross doesn’t he?  Glad I don’t have to grapple with him.”

“Thanks Ash,” I said.  “Just know that one day it will be your turn.”

I pulled my trainers off and got into the ring.  “Kim,” I said.  “You look well.”

“Screw you, Shepard,” Suang snapped.  “Those bastards won’t let me shower.  I smell like a fucking sewer.”

“Happy birthday by the way,” I said.

“I hate you,” Suang muttered.

“Touch fists,” the umpire said.

I sort of allowed my fist to skim the air near Suang’s fist, then backed away immediately.  He had a good chance of winning this fight, purely because I was afraid to touch him.  Maybe he sensed this because he came forward immediately and aimed a few punches.  I let them fall on my ribs, then kicked him hard in the leg, backing away again.  He smelt like a septic tank, lovingly squirted with week-old porridge and eu de pig-sty.  And so it went on, him chasing, me backing away.  For some reason he avoided punching my head.  If I were in his place, that’d be the first place I would aim for, followed by a few blows to the diaphragm just to totally incapacitate me. 

Maybe the wound was worse than I’d thought, because at some point I let my guard down slightly.  Suang, to his everlasting credit, saw this and charged, bringing me down.  He had full mount and I had the full impact of his scent clouding my thoughts.  There were only two ways out: to tap or to do something very unsporting.  Well, Admiral Brawne had said anything goes, and it wasn’t as if I’d be killing him, just ruining his chances of passing the Kim line down to future generations.  I brought my knee up.  Hard.

He made a loud sound, somewhere between a groan and a scream, and pitched forward, pressing his chest into my face.  I twisted from underneath him, grabbed his arm and pulled him into an arm bar.  I’m not sure he noticed, he was too busy making a groany kind of noise that sounded like, “Warawarawara.”

“Kim, tap please,” I shouted.  “For Christ sake.”

Suang continued to groan as he tapped his free hand against my leg.  I released him and helped him up.  “Sorry about the ‘nads,” I said.

“I hate you Shepard,” he said in a high-pitched voice.

“Yeah yeah,” I said.  “Good fight though.”  I patted his shoulder and moved to where Kaidan and Ash were standing.

“Wow Jane,” Ash said.  “Just…wow.”

“I’m kind of scared of our fight now,” Kaidan said.  “I’m scared of what you might do to my nuts.”

“I promise to take good care of them,” I said before I could stop myself.  Kaidan’s mouth dropped open and I blushed fire-red. 

“McDougal beat Mahlberg,” Ash said to cover the awkward moment.

“Goddamn, someone needs to take that girl down a peg,” I said.

“Agreed,” Kaidan said.  “I vote that we all swear a pact to beat her ass in the ring.”

“I’ll toast to that,” Ash said.  “Hear hear.”

“The next bout is Alenko versus Jones in ring one, Chokovic versus Fredrich in ring two, Khan versus Tobrin in ring three, Abrahams versus De Valentino in ring four, Brown versus Brutzevia in ring five, and Edwards versus Van Schijk in ring six,” Admiral Brawne announced.

“Laters, ladies,” Kaidan said, going over to ring one.

“How’s the head?” Ash asked.

“Not too bad,” I said.  “It’s throbbing a bit.”

“Not spinning or ringing or anything?” Ash asked.

“Nope, why?” I asked.

“Just wondering if you were concussed,” Ash said.  “You just turned a perfectly good conversation totally awkward with talk of taking care of Kaidan’s balls.”

“I know,” I groaned.  “I don’t know what came over me.”

“You’re in love, so it will be forgiven,” Ash said.

“I’m not in love, Ash,” I hissed, going all vorcha again.  “Stop saying I am.”

“If you are, you are, Janey,” Ash said.  “Nothing to be ashamed of, or did your asshole dad make some stupid rule about that too?”

“Wait, how did my dad enter into this conversation?” I asked angrily.

“Never mind,” Ash said.  She watched in silence as Kaidan and Kyle bumped fists.  Next second Kaidan had knocked Kyle out. 

“Poor kid,” Ash said.  “I kind of feel bad for him, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” I said.  “I guess.”

My head was pounding by the time Admiral Brawne called the final bouts.  “The last bouts are Kim versus Sonier in ring one, Mahlberg versus Shepard in ring two, McDougal versus Williams in ring three, Holt versus Thomas in ring four, Marefo versus Rosiensky in ring five, and Martins versus Zonus in ring six,” he announced.

“Yes,” Ash squealed.  “Finally.”

“Give ‘em hell, Ash,” Kaidan laughed.

I swallowed.  Sven weighed at least two hundred pounds, which meant that he had at least a one hundred and eighteen pound advantage to me.  “Good luck, Jane,” Ash said softly, giving me a hug.

“I’ll be fine,” I said.  “Kick that ginger ass into next week for me.”

My legs were trembling as I climbed into the ring.  I bumped my fist against Sven’s and immediately backed away.  This was one of those fights that I needed to end sooner rather than later.  The only question was how. 

Sven came at me then, and I was preoccupied with ducking all his punches.  I was able to dodge most of them, but the last landed on my nose breaking the bone.  I got a quick one-two into his ribs and danced away.  My strategy would have been to go for a knock out, but I wasn’t sure I could reach Sven’s face.  I’d have to bring him down to my level then.

The next time he came at me, I dodged the blows again, then kicked as hard as I could at the spot just above his knee.  I was satisfied to see the skin redden almost immediately.  This happened three times, him coming in and throwing punches at me, me dodging them or letting the lightest land on my upper body, and then kicking the same spot on his thigh.  I was beginning to tire though and my lungs were straining.  Time to finish this then.

I went in close to him.  Sven had clearly been expecting this, because he decked me with the most powerful uppercut I had ever felt.  I didn’t even feel my body land on the mat.

I lay there, my head swimming, my lungs straining.  ‘Get up,’ I tried telling myself.  I ignored myself.

‘Jane Shepard, get your ass off that mat,’ another voice bellowed at me.  ‘Don’t you dare fucking stay down.  Get up, you stupid, lazy slut.  Get up and show that you’re not some sort of weak little child.  Come on, girl, fight.’

Why my subconscious decided to send that particularly charming memory my way, I’ll never know.  Probably because my father was the only one who could really get me to do stuff that I didn’t want to do.  I sat up slowly, then, when I was certain I wasn’t going to spew my breakfast everywhere, got to my feet.

“You want more, Shepard?” Sven hollered. 

I took as deep a breath was possible and said, “Yeah, Mahlberg, I want more.”

He came at me then.  I didn’t bother to dodge the blows, just kicked as hard as I could at the spot above the knee.  His leg collapsed underneath him and I finished him with a blow to the temple.  Knock out.

I sat down with a nasty bump.  On top of all my other bruises, I would also have a fractured coccyx.  “You alright?” the umpire asked.

“Yeah,” I wheezed.  “Just give me a minute.”  My lungs felt horribly tight and I was scared I would have an all-out asthma attack right there.  After a minute the feeling passed and I got to my feet again.

“You ok?” Ash asked anxiously when I had reached her and Kaidan outside the ring.

“Yeah,” I said.  “I’m just not having a really good day today.  Did you beat her?”

“Fair and square,” Ash said.  “That girl didn’t know what hit her.”

“I believe that was you, Williams,” Kaidan said politely.  “Good fight, Jane.  You look a mess.”

I put my hand to my nose to stem the bleeding as Admiral Brawne announced the standings.  “Tied in first place for Pod 3 we have Alenko and Shepard, who have both won four bouts,” he said, sounding robotically bored.  “In second place we have Fredrich, McDougal and Williams, who have all won three bouts a piece.  In third place we have Sonier who has won two bouts.”

“Wow, all four the girls are in the top two,” Ash whispered.  “You’d better watch it, Alenko, we’re going kick you off.”

“Yeah, you’ve already tried that, and I whipped your ass,” Kaidan said, sounding amused.  “No way McDougal gets the jump on me, and Jane is so little, I could throw her across the room.”

“Hilarious,” I said sniffily.  “Just make fun of the little people, why don’t you?”

..... 

The day went from bad to worse.  My head ached and my nose felt like it was stuffed with a weird kind of jelly.  It continued to leak blood down my throat and into my mouth.  In spite of this, Commander Anderson worked us harder than ever in the obstacle course.  We were now learning how to duck-n-run.  This was basically an open field, with boulders, logs, containers, bins and other things that we could hide behind, and the point was for us to run into the field, duck behind the first cover, vault it, run to the second cover and repeat until we had done all fifteen objects.  Thank goodness Commander Anderson didn’t make me do any push-ups in between.  Poor Suang didn’t appear to be doing anything right though, and in between runs Commander Anderson had him doing push-ups, sit-ups, chin-ups, suicides, burpees, planks and sprints.  At the end of the session, Anderson patted him on the shoulder and said, “By the way, happy birthday, Squints.”

Suang scowled, but managed to bring himself to attention.  “Thank you sir,” he said in a squeaky voice.  “It’s been very enjoyable so far.”

“Stop lying to a superior officer, Squints, or I’ll have you court marshalled,” Commander Anderson said.

“Sorry sir,” Suang said.  “To be honest this has been the worst day of my life.  I hate this place.”

“That’s the spirit, boy,” Commander Anderson said.

“I’ve been dumped into a bin, forced to drink vinegar, drank someone’s piss, and been kneed in the balls by Shepard,” Suang continued.

“Are you complaining now, Squints, because I don’t think anybody really cares what you have to say,” Commander Anderson said.

“I-no, sir,” Suang said in confusion.

“So, Ken reinvented the Nutcracker, did he?” Commander Anderson asked, looking at me.  “I didn’t know he had it in him.  I mostly thought he was around to do Barbie’s hair and look good.  Nice to know he has other uses too.”

“Yes sir,” I mumbled, attempting a scowl, which hurt my entire face.

“What happened to your face, by the way, Ken?” Commander Anderson asked as we walked back towards the main compound.  “Is Barbie abusing you?  Do you need me to file a report with social services?”

“No, sir it was Lurch,” I said.

“You’re in an abusive relationship with Lurch?” Commander Anderson asked in mock horror.  “I always knew Ken was gay, I suppose this proves it.  You shouldn’t cheat on Barbie though, that’s not cool.  Hope the nose heals soon, it ruins your pretty looks.”

I glared at him, and I saw a flicker of something that wasn’t scorn cross his face.  “Have you been to the med bay yet, Ken?” he asked.

“No sir, it’s fine,” I snapped.

“And once again Ken rides off into the abyss on his high horse,” Commander Anderson sighed.  “Listen to me, boy.  Broken noses are tricky things and it looks like yours needs to be reset.  Go to the med bay.  Arse-lick, apparently you know how to sort of shoot a gun.  Take Ken to the med bay.”

“Yes sir,” Cat said, coming over.  “Come on, Shepard.”

“I don’t need the med bay,” I said angrily.

“Ken, I didn’t ask you to go,” Commander Anderson said.  “If you don’t go I’ll put you on two day stand-to, and given your current track record, I don’t think you can afford to miss any more time this week.”

“Fine,” I snarled.  I saluted angrily.

“Watch the attitude, Ken,” Commander Anderson said boredly.  “Take him away, Arse-Lick.”

I followed Cat to the med bay.  “So, you think you’re cool now that you’re top of the command class?” she asked.

I yawned.  “Nope,” I said.  “In fact, I’m as surprised by it as you, trust me.  And besides, I’m not top, I’m tied top with Kaidan.”

“I’m going to take you down,” she hissed at me.

“Wow, why is everyone so violent these days?” I asked rhetorically.  “Must be something in the water.”

“I hear you were sneaking around after lights-out last night,” Cat said.  “Lucky you didn’t get thrown out.”

“I know, right?” I said conversationally.  “I’m sure my days at Del Sol are numbered, and then you can go back to being queen bitch all on your lonesome.”

She stopped.  “I could kill you Shepard,” she said forcefully.  “I could kill you right now and dump your body.  Nobody would know.”

I had no idea she hated me that much.  Then again, the sun was hot and Ash had given her quite a beating.  Maybe her brain was melting.

“Yeah, not a great idea,” I said.  “Everyone saw us leave together, and if we don’t turn up at the med bay, people are going to be suspicious.  If I was filled with murderous intent, I’d wait until the person in question was asleep, then smother them with a pillow.”

“Don’t make fun of me, Shepard,” Cat whispered.

“Of course as soon as I’m done at the med bay, I’m going to write a note on my datapad that says something like: ‘if I die mysteriously in my sleep, it’s because Catlin Anna Tatum McDougal smothered me’,” I continued, ignoring her.

She growled something under her breath.

..... 

The med was writing something on his terminal when we got to the med bay.  He started when he saw my face.  “The masturbator,” he said.  “Well well, decided to get laid did you?  Obviously the person you got dirty with didn’t think you very good and punched you in the face for it.”

I wasn’t in the mood for this, but I forced a smile onto my face.  “Haha, sir,” I said weakly.

“Excuse me?” a voice said from behind me.  “Did I hear you right?”  I turned.  It was the social worker, Elizabeth Fischer.

“Ah, Miss Fischer, I see you have come to make my life a living hell once more,” the med said.

“Dr Du Pre, if you’re going to be an ignorant asshole, I’m going to make your life a living hell,” Elizabeth said.  “Did you really make a joke about a man beating up a woman?”

“It’s fine,” I mumbled, embarrassed.  “I don’t mind.”

“No, it’s not fine,” Elizabeth said sternly, her hands on her hips.  “I understand that they need to break you down to build you up and all that crap, but there are ways of doing that without resorting to tasteless comments about the abuse of women.”

“Relax, Fischer,” Dr Du Pre said.  “I know woman abuse is not good.  It’s against the law for Christ’s sake.  You get twenty years in jail if you’re convicted.”

“Listen here, I worked in Groote Schuur Hospital in Cape Town last year, and I saw plenty of women who were beat up by their husbands, or their boyfriends, or their fathers,” Elizabeth said angrily.  “It may be against the law.  Doesn’t mean it doesn’t still happen.”

“Ugh, hysterical women,” Dr Du Pre said in disgust.  “There’s a reason women weren’t allowed into the army, once upon a time.”

“Enough,” Elizabeth said, sounding tired now.  “Grunt, come with me.  I’ll fix your nose.”

“You’re a social worker, not a doctor,” Dr Du Pre said, throwing his hands heavenward.  “You work with feelings.”

“Ja, with your brainpower, I’d guess the skill required to set a broken nose is minimal,” Elizabeth muttered.  “Come on, Grunt.  My office is through here.”

I didn’t have much faith in the powers of psychological evaluation, but I figured that, since she had just put one my least favourite people at Del Sol soundly in his place, I didn’t really have room to argue.  Her office was not what I expected from a social worker (to be honest, I only know about shrinks what my father told me).  There were two chairs on the one side of a desk that was covered in datapads.  On the other side of the desk was a roller chair that I instantly wanted to try.  On the desk was a framed photo of Elizabeth with a younger boy in his early teens, a woman who looked a lot like her and a man.  I assumed this was her family.

“Take a seat,” Elizabeth said, pointing at one of the chairs.

I sat down.  “You’re not a doctor,” Cat pointed out from the door.

“Ja, I know,” Elizabeth said. 

“What makes you think you can fix my nose then?” I asked.

“I have dyspraxia, which has resulted in a lot of broken bones and visits to the hospital,” Elizabeth said.  She crouched down in front of me.

“And what does that have to do with anything?” I asked.

“Hm?” she asked.  “Oh, sorry, I sometimes space out in the middle of a conversation.  The doctors eventually got sick of seeing me in the emergency room, so they taught my parents how to deal with basics.  Broken noses were one of them.”  She placed her fingers on either side of my nose.

I suppressed a shudder and looked down.  “You don’t dress like a social worker,” I remarked.  She wore a plaid blue skirt, a pair of high top sneakers and a belly baring black top.

“I’m only a social worker on Mondays,” she said.  “For the rest of the week I’m a student.  That’s the theory anyway, I seem to do social work stuff all the time these days.  Drives my mom nuts.  Sorry, I’ve just realised I don’t know your name.”

“It’s Jane Shepard,” I said.

“Ah, you’re the famous Jane Shepard, are you?” she asked.  “I was going to ask you to come see me for a couple of minutes during lunch.  This is going to hurt.”

She pressed her fingers hard against my nose.  There was a loud cracking sound and a sharp pain up my nose.  Blood started pouring out of it.  “Why did you want to see me?” I asked, pressing my sleeve against my nose.  She handed me a tissue.

“One of the staff has transferred you to me,” Elizabeth answered.  “I wanted to ask what time would suit you.”

“No,” I said.

“I beg your pardon?” Elizabeth asked, straightening and pulling her gloves off.

“I’m not going to see you,” I said.  I pressed the tissue hard against my nose.  “No offence to you or anything, I’m sure you’re very nice as a person and I wouldn’t mind getting to know you on a homie basis, but I don’t need to see a shrink.”

Her expression didn’t change.  “Hm, it seems to me that you’re getting quite agitated, Jane,” she said.  “I wonder what you’re nervous about.”

“Me?” I asked, pressing the tissue harder against my nose.  “Me?  I’m not nervous.  I just don’t see the point of talking about stuff that happened in my past.  I don’t think it changes anything in my life.”

“Knowing what happened in the past changes what we expect of the future,” Elizabeth said quietly.

“Well, what happened in the past is nothing,” I said.

She opened her mouth then shut it again.  “Look, I get it,” she said.  “I can’t say from just one meeting, but by what your friends say about you, I would say that you’re pretty well-adjusted.”

“So I don’t have to see you?” I asked hopefully.

“Unfortunately, your senior officers are responsible for your mental and physical well-being, and any claims of possible danger need to be followed-up on,” she said.  “I have to see you for at least one session to ascertain that you are indeed healthy.”

“Right,” I mumbled.  “Just know that I refuse to talk about my childhood.  It’s none of your damn business and I recently lost almost my entire family.”

“We’ll talk about what you want to talk about, Jane,” Elizabeth said.  “Anyway, what time shall we make our session on Monday?”

“What time do you start work?” I asked.  “Surely you don’t start at four like us?”

“No, I start at half past eight,” she said.  “How’s nine o’clock?”

“Good,” I said.  “In your office?”

“Yes,” she said.  “Unfortunately, you’ll have to sneak past asshole number one, but I’m sure you’re trained for this sort of thing.”

I laughed, then wished I hadn’t.  My teeth were probably blood-stained.  “We need to get to class, Shepard,” Cat said, sounding quite jealous.

“Rightio, McDougal,” I said.

“Do you need a note or something excusing you from class?” Elizabeth asked.

I shook my head.  “They only accept those kinds of notes if you’re on death’s door,” I said.  I paused.  “Thanks for fixing my nose.”

“My pleasure, and it was nice to finally meet you, Jane,” Elizabeth said.  “I look forward to our session.”

“Do you?” I asked.  “Well, I suppose someone has to.”

..... 

Weapons and armoury was hilarious.  The targets had been moved further back, which meant that people were either taking forever to aim, or were missing the targets entirely.  People like Kyle and Zac even missed so entirely that they sometimes hit the people next to them’s targets.  In the last five minutes of the session, Admiral Greyling said, “I hear it is someone’s special day.”

“No it’s not, sir,” Suang said immediately.

“Nice try, Kim,” Admiral Greyling said.  “In the spirit of giving, I have a birthday gift for you.”  He reached into his BOL and pulled out a tennis ball.

“I don’t play tennis, sir,” Suang said nervously.

“I know that,” Admiral Greyling said.  “It’s not for tennis.  Come with me, boy.”

He led Suang to stand in front of the targets.  “Now, traditionally I would choose someone at random to do this, but since most of you can’t shoot straight yet, I am just going to choose Shepard,” Admiral Greyling said.  “Check your weapon please, Shepard.”

Not quite sure what was going on I quickly took my gun apart and reassembled it.  It all became clear when Admiral Greyling stood Suang in front of a target and balanced the tennis ball on top of his head.

“Uh, sir?” I said as he came back.  “Are we playing William Tell here?”

“We are Shepard,” he said.  “Shoot the ball off of Kim’s head.”

“Right,” I said.  I licked my lips.  “Um, what if I miss and hit Kim?”

“Depending on how badly you miss, Kim will either die or spend a couple of days in the hospital,” Admiral Greyling said calmly.  “So don’t miss.”

“Yes sir,” I said.  I brought the gun up.  The tennis ball was a target I could easily hit.  I had aimed at a target that small before and hit it perfectly.

But what if I missed?  I’d never shot at something living before, and the feeling of suddenly having that power over another’s life was both terrifying and strangely compelling.  What if I missed?  My hand started trembling, and I brought my left hand up to steady it.

“Take a deep breath, Shepard,” Admiral Greyling whispered.  “It slows everything down.”

I tried but my lungs seemed to be incapable of taking any kind of breath.  My eyes fell on Suang’s face, which was bloodless.  His eyes were shut tight, and he was trembling even harder than I was.  I bit down hard on my bottom lip and squeezed the trigger.

I missed.  Not a missed-by-inches-it’s-so-close-we-might-as-well-call-it kind of miss, but a missed-by-miles-don’t-quit-your-day-job kind of miss.  I put the gun carefully down on the table.  Both my hands were trembling, like they did when I was scared.

“I can’t sir,” I said softly.  “I’m sorry.”

Admiral Greyling looked furious.  Suang had fallen to his knees and appeared to be in tears.  “You will both report to the command centre during quiet hour this evening,” he snapped.  “Dismissed.”

He turned on his heal and stormed out of the room.

“Come on, Jane,” Ash said, slipping her arm around my waste.  Bridget went to go help Suang to his feet.

“You ok?” Kaidan asked as Ash led me away.

“Yeah,” I whispered.  I cleared my throat.  “Yeah,” I said more clearly.  “I’m fine.”

“I can’t believe he would put you in this kind of position,” Ash said furiously.  “What a prick.”

“Ash,” I said softly.  “Drop it.  Please.”

A group of seniors were waiting outside the Pod 3 bunker for us.  “Kim, I believe it’s your birthday,” Nina said.  In her hand she held an egg.

I turned and walked away as the seniors pelted Suang with eggs.

..... 

An announcement went on over the intercom during tech.  “Good afternoon, recruits,” a cool female voice that had to belong to a VI said.  “During quiet hour everyone must report to the combat centre as there will be a DP.  Repeat, all recruits report to the combat centre in quiet hour for a DP.  Have a pleasant day.”

“What’s a DP?” Ash murmured.

“Disciplinary Procedure,” Cat said.  “It’s what happens when a recruit does really poorly in an aspect of training.  It happens in front of the entire academy.”

“What happens?” Suang, who was covered in congealing egg, asked quietly.

“You didn’t want me to tell you about the training,” Cat said, tossing her head.  “Why should I tell you this?”

“I hate my life,” Suang muttered.

At that moment Zac created a diversion by setting the bomb he was assembling off.  We had been spending the last three weeks assembling heavy bombs that would be used by our fighter jets somewhere in the future to blow something somewhere up.  They were the types of bombs that could easily deck a town hall or a hospital or something similar.  Thankfully, the way we were being taught took six months and we were barely a tenth of the way into it.  The classroom still had to be evacuated and we stood outside and waited for stretchers from the med bay to take Zac and Bridget away.  Gomez verbally abused Zac until they arrived.

“To hell with it,” Gomez said.  “Take the rest of the class off.  I need to do some marking for the seniors.”

“Where do you want to go?” Ash asked.  There was still forty minutes left before the next class.

“I want to go to the gymnasium,” I said.  “I want to go on the beam.”

“Is there enough time for it?” Kaidan asked.

“It’s cool,” Ash said.  “I know what this is about.  Let’s go.”

Commander Anderson was giving the seniors a class on weight lifting when we got there.  At least I think it was weight lifting.  They were all dressed in their combat armour and were picking each other up in a fireman’s lift.

“Ken, Barbie and Charles Manson what are you doing here?” he asked as we walked past.  “Why aren’t you in class?”

“It was cancelled, sir,” Ash said.  “We’ll be with the gymnastics equipment in the back.”

“Go ahead,” Commander Anderson said.  “Shaft, if I see you bend your back like that again, I will put a pole down your shirt so that you can’t, do you understand me?  Bend your knees like a normal person, for Christ’s sake.”

“Yes sir,” the unfortunate beratee said.

We got to the back of the gymnasium and I took my shoes off before climbing onto the beam and walking up and down it.

“What’s going on?” Kaidan asked.

“For some reason I feel calmest and I think best when I’m on the beam,” I said.  “I’m having a really shitty day so far, so I just need a few minutes to calm down.”

Kaidan didn’t laugh.  “I get that,” he said.  “I feel the same way when I run.  I feel like my head is clear or something.”

“Yeah, exactly,” I said.  Ash did five pirouettes.  “Now that is something I cannot do,” I laughed.

“Yeah, well, I can’t exactly do a backflip up there,” she said.

“Not that difficult actually,” I said.  “Not according to my dad anyhow.”  I put on a deep voice.  “You think that now you’ve won a few medals in these minor competitions that you’re someone special?”

“Your dad said that?” Kaidan asked.

“Yeah,” I said.  “He was probably right, I was putting on airs.”

Ash made an annoyed noise in her throat.  “You don’t agree with Jane’s assertion, Ash?” Kaidan asked.

“No, her dad was an arse, and for some reason ever since he died, Jane’s convinced he was king of the fucking mountain,” Ash said.

“Ash had issues with her father, so she is making it as if I had issues with mine,” I said hotly.

“O-k,” Kaidan said.  “Well, my relationship with my dad is pretty tight.”

“Whoopde-freaking doo,” I mumbled.  I glanced at the clock.  “We should get going.”

“Barbie, did you enjoy your threesome with Ken and Charles Manson?” Commander Anderson asked.

“Yes sir, it was better than with an asari,” Ash said boredly.  “I would liken it to making love to a krogan.”

“Barbie,” Commander Anderson said in mock-scandalised tones.  “I would never have guessed you like men with muscles.  You seem more of a skinny-guy type.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, sir, I like men with muscles just fine,” Ash said.

“Hm,” Commander Anderson said, his lips pursed.  I got the distinct impression he was hiding a smile.  “Get out of here, Barbie, you are way to sharp.”

“Yes sir,” Ash said, grinning.

..... 

Our math tutor, Charlie Jansen, put the fear of God into us by announcing that we would be writing a math test the next day.

“But sir, we don’t have a quiet hour tonight,” Cat complained as the rest of us grumbled under our breath.

“Do you think that’s my problem, McDougal?” Jansen said.  “If one of your fellows has chosen to act in an unsoldierly manner, you should be blaming him.”

“Goddamnit, Shepard, why didn’t you shoot Kim when you were commanded to?” Bridget said, throwing her hands to the sky.  “You are such a terrible person for having a conscience.”

For some reason, Bridget’s sarcasm actually made me feel better and I offered her a tentative smile.

“This test is very important,” Jansen went on, ignoring Bridget.  “You need to pass it in order to start doing trigonometry.  You need trigonometry for most of the recon that you do.  I’m sure Admiral Hackett has mentioned that most of the recon the seniors do requires trigonometric calculations.”

“What if we fail?” Kaidan asked, voicing my fears.

“Let me reiterate,” Jansen said, frowning sternly.  “This test is an FP.”

We all groaned.  FP stood for ‘For Progress’ and basically meant ‘If you fail, you’re out of here’.  My math skills had improved by leaps and bounds thanks to Ash, but it was nowhere near up to par.  I had also failed both the previous math tests we had been set, which led to my confidence being lower than ever.

“I’m out of here, then I guess,” Kaidan mumbled gloomily as Jansen directed us to a set of exercises on our datapads that we would work through for the rest of the lesson.

“No, don’t be stupid,” Ash whispered.  “Both of you have come a long way.  You can do this, you just need to think clearly and systematic.”

Ash clearly hadn’t spent much time in my head.  There wasn’t much that was clear or systematic that went on in there.  I tried working through the exercises, but my mind kept going to quiet hour.  What would they do to us?  Put us in front of the firing squad?  Of course, if they did that, I wouldn’t have to write the math test.  Maybe it wouldn’t be all bad after all.

..... 

Our final session before quiet hour was navigation.  We had covered the basics of reading maps on datapads and were now learning how to navigate using compasses.  My mind wasn’t really on the lesson and I managed to get us lost twice.  Eventually Djamon Hondera, our instructor called me aside.

“Shepard, are you feeling alright?” he asked in a concerned voice.  I knew that tone…

“Yes sir,” I said.  “Perfectly alright.”

“Are you sure?” he continued in the same tone.

“Yes sir,” I said.  “Perfectly sure.”

He lost the concerned tone.  “Then will you tell me how the fuck you managed to lead Sonier and Chokovic two miles south of your destination?” he shouted.

“I-read the compass wrong, sir,” I muttered.

“And that wouldn’t even bother me so much if you hadn’t then over-corrected your course and gone one and a half miles east of your fucking destination,” he continued shouting.  “Jesus Christ, girl you may be the stupidest person I have ever had the misfortune of training.  You make Mahlberg look like a man with the IQ of one hundred and fifty.”

“Sorry sir, it won’t happen again,” I mumbled, looking down at my boots.

“Too right it won’t happen again, because if it did I would dump you into the sewer lines with only a torch and a compass to get you out, and then you’ll be fucking stuck, Shepard, because you don’t know how to read a compass,” he bellowed, spittle flying everywhere.

“Yes sir,” I said tonelessly.  “Thank you sir.”

At that moment the VI came on over the intercom.  “Would Jane Shepard and Suang Kim please make their way to the combat centre,” it said cheerily.  “Jane Shepard and Suang Kim to the combat centre.  Thank you.”

“Get out of here,” Hondera muttered.

We took the truck back to the main compound.  “What do you think they’re going to do to us?” Suang asked quietly as we bounced in the back of the truck.

“Dunno,” I said, although I had possibly a hundred theories, each one slightly worse than the last.

“Goddamn, I hate it here,” Suang said.  “I don’t know why I wanted to join the army.”

“Yeah,” I said.

Admiral Greyling and Commander Anderson were waiting for us at the command centre.  “Here they are, Anderson,” Admiral Greyling said.  “The wrong-doers.”

“Yes sir,” Commander Anderson said.  “Squints, Ken, are you ready?”

“For what sir?” Suang asked squeakily.

“You explain to them, Anderson,” Admiral Greyling said.  He sounded tired.  “I need to speak to Admiral Hackett.”

“Aye aye, sir,” Commander Anderson said, saluting.  Admiral Greyling returned the salute then wandered off.  “Follow me,” Commander Anderson commanded us.

He led us to a small room behind the platform.  “Sit down,” he invited us.  We sat on a hard bench, and he sat down in a chair opposite us.  “This is the first Disciplinary Procedure that we have had this year, so I’ll explain what happens.  It takes place in front of the entire academy, so that the other recruits don’t make the same mistake that you did.  Junior Recruit Kim, you have been accused of showing cowardice and not trusting your fellow soldier.  These are both severe accusations and in the marines would lead you to being demoted.  At this DP you will be required to put your life in Shepard’s hands and to do so without flinching.”

Suang swallowed.  “Yes sir,” he said.

“And Junior Recruit Shepard, you are accused of not following a direct order from an officer,” Commander Anderson continued, turning to me.  “This is one of the severest accusations that can be put to a soldier and has the severest repercussions.  In the marines you would be court marshalled, and, depending on many factors, either dishonourably discharged or executed.  Out there, I will give you a series of orders and you will follow them without hesitation.”

“Yes sir,” I said.  I hesitated.  “What if we fail?” I asked.

“This is an FP,” Commander Anderson said.  He sighed and looked sideways at the door.  “Listen to me, both of you,” he said softly.  “This is harsh, probably the harshest thing in the training program, but if you pass it, the other recruits respect you and the trainers see you in a different light.  So, out there, just keep calm and trust that I will look after you both.”

“Yes sir,” Suang murmured.

“Acknowledged,” I corrected quietly.  There was something in Commander Anderson’s face that made ask, “Did you ever go through a DP sir?”

He frowned at my question and I thought for a moment he wouldn’t answer.  “Yes, Shepard, I have,” he said at last.

“What did you do?” I asked.

“Mind your own business, Ken,” Commander Anderson said.

“Yes sir,” I said.

At that moment one of the N1 personnel put her head around the door.  “They’re ready, Commander,” he said.

“Thank you, Ladybug,” Commander Anderson said.  He turned to us.  “One more thing,” he said.  “I need to blind-fold the two of you.”

..... 

I was aware of the rest of the academy watching us as two N1 staff led us onto the platform.  It was hot and sweat dripped down the back of my neck.  I felt one of the staff put a radio into my ear and strap an omnitool to my wrist.  Someone had evidently already told the academy what we had done, because there was complete silence as we stood.

“Check, check,” I heard Commander Anderson say through the earpiece.  “Is anyone on this frequency?”

“Shepard here,” I said huskily.  I cleared my throat.  “Repeat, Shepard here.”

“Kim here,” I heard Suang say somewhere to my left.

“What’s your twenty, Shepard?” Commander Anderson asked.

This was beginning to feel a bit bizarre.  “Um, I can’t see anything, sir,” I said.

“And you, Kim?”

“Likewise, sir,” Suang answered.

“Damnit, moving to a position where I can see more clearly,” Commander Anderson said.  “Stand by for orders.”

“Acknowledged,” I said.

“Alright, I’m there,” Commander Anderson said.  “Shepard, are you armed?”

What?  “Negative,” I said.  “I wasn’t given a firearm.”

“Alright, on your left, about three inches is a BOL and a pistol,” Commander Anderson said.

“Acknowledged,” I said.  I shuffled to my left until I stepped on the BOL.  I picked it up and slung it over my right shoulder so that it hung on my left hip, then picked up the pistol underneath it.  “I have the weapon and BOL, awaiting your orders,” I said.  I unclipped the ammo clip and felt my fingers along it.  It was full.  I clipped it back in again. 

“Kim, hold your position,” Commander Anderson said.  “Extraction is on its way.”

“Aye aye, sir,” Suang said.  He was sounding as confused as I felt.

“Shepard, you have hostiles on your nine,” Commander Anderson said.  I turned blindly to the left.  “Fire at will,” Commander Anderson ordered.

I raised my gun and realised what was happening.  I was shooting at Suang.  “Sorry, sir, I don’t copy, repeat,” I garbled out in a rush.

“Hostiles dead ahead, Shepard,” Commander Anderson repeated.  “Fire at will.”

I think Suang realised what was happening, because he said, “Wait, what?”

My hand was trembling, so I went into support stance.  My skin was suddenly ice-cold.  I squeezed my eyes tight and pressed the trigger.  The gun went off and Suang gave a loud yell.

“Damnit, Kim, maintain position and stay silent,” Commander Anderson snapped.  “Shepard, you were off.  Fire six inches to the right of original shot.”

“Aye aye sir,” I said, my teeth chattering.

I moved the gun slightly to the right and squeezed the trigger again.  This time Suang was silent.  “Still off, Shepard,” Commander Anderson said.  “Fire three inches to the left of that shot.”

“Aye aye sir,” I repeated and squeezed the trigger.

“Where the hell is my extraction?” Suang cried, sounding close to tears.

“Kim, maintain radio silence,” Commander Anderson ordered again.  “Still off, Shepard.  Fire eight inches to the right.”

“Aye aye, sir,” I said again, readjusting and squeezing the trigger.  This carried on for what felt like forever.  Eventually my trembling subsided and my heart rate dropped.  Suang also remained silent, although I could hear his ragged breathing over the radio.

“Final hostile, Shepard, you’re nearly there,” Commander Anderson said.  “Fire eleven inches to the left.”

“Aye aye, sir,” I said, shifting my weight and squeezing the trigger.

Suang gave an ear-splitting scream and the audience gave a loud gasp.  I reached upwards to tear my blindfold off.  “Stay where you are, Shepard,” Commander Anderson said warningly.

“Aye aye,” I said, my voice trembling again.

Someone led me off the platform and removed my blindfold.  I was back in the small room.  Commander Anderson and Admiral Greyling were both waiting there.

“Where did I hit him?” I asked, praying I hadn’t killed him.  Please, God, may he still be alive.  Please God.

“The shoulder,” Commander Anderson said.  “He’ll live.”

My knees were trembling.  “Sit down, Shepard,” Admiral Greyling invited.

I sat down on the bench.  “How do you feel, Ken?” Commander Anderson asked, passing me a water bottle.

“It’s not piss, is it sir?” I asked, eyeing the bottle apprehensively.

“Why would I give you piss to drink, Ken?”  Commander Anderson asked.

“Because-never mind,” I said.  I took a long draw on the water.  “Can I smoke?” I asked.  My hands were still trembling.

“You may,” Admiral Greyling said.

I picked my BOL up from where I’d left it and lit up.  “Is the test over?” I asked.

“Yes, it is,” Commander Anderson said.  “I must say, Ken, you did very well.”

I’d just shot one of my teammates.  I failed to see how that qualified as doing well.  “Yes sir,” was all I said.

“Now listen to me Shepard, because this is probably one of the hardest lessons a soldier can learn,” Admiral Greyling said.  “I take it that this is the first time you’ve ever shot someone.”

“Yes sir,” I said.

“Alright, well if things turn out well for you, Kim won’t be the last person you shoot,” Admiral Greyling said.  “It is a hard thing for most sane people to reconcile themselves with.  The thing is though, you were doing your duty.  You were following the direct orders of an officer, and you must be commended for that.  You shouldn’t blame yourself.”

“No sir,” I said, dragging on the end of my cigarette.  I paused.  “But, sir, what if you’re the one that gave the order?” I asked.

“Then you’d better have had a damn good reason to give the order,” Commander Anderson said after a pause.

“You did bloody well, Shepard,” Admiral Greyling said.  He sounded almost surprised.  “Far better than I expected.”  He put his hand up to his ear.  “On my way, Stephan,” he said.  “Admiral Hackett wants to speak to me.  I need to run.  Get some rest, Shepard, and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I got to my feet.  “Yes sir,” I said.  He returned my salute, nodded at Commander Anderson and left.

“Don’t think this means I’ll go easy on you in fitness, Ken,” Commander Anderson said.  “I still expect you to work your arse off.”

“Good,” I said.  “This is all too weird, and I don’t do well with change.”

“Well, Ken, between you and me, I get the feeling that we’re all going to be experiencing a great deal of change very soon,” Commander Anderson said.  “Dismissed.”

I saluted, turned and left.  Ash, Kaidan and Zac were waiting outside for me.

“Hey,” Kaidan said.

“Hey,” I answered.  Ash threw her arms around me.  “Jesus Christ, Ash, get a grip,” I said in alarm.  “I’m fine.”

“No you aren’t,” Ash said.  “I wouldn’t be if I were you.”  I patted her back.

“Come on,” I said.  “It’s time for propaganda hour.”

..... 

Propaganda hour kicked off with the news reporter saying, “Skyllia is under attack.  Batarian ships have landed on this colony on the border of the Alpha System and the Attican Traverse System.  According to reports, batarian ships shot down the planetary defence systems at five thirty sol this morning and took control of Montenegro, the colony’s capital.  Our reporter in Seattle brings us the full story.”

Diana Allers’ face filled the screen.  “At approximately half past five sol this morning the colony of Skyllia was taken by batarian ships,” she said.  “Sources say that this attack may well be in retaliation to Ambassador Donnel Udina’s claims that batarians are responsible for the deaths of those aboard the Lady Victoire.  Meanwhile, Alliance Prime Minister, Jan Du Plessis has issued the following statement.”

The report cut to the Prime Minister’s office in Seattle.  “This attack will not stand,” Prime Minister Du Plessis said.  He looked exhausted.  “We will not stand by whilst aliens attack our colonies.  We have told the batarian ambassador on the Citadel that the batarian hegemony has until midday tomorrow to remove their ships from our space or we will formally declare war on the batarians.  In this time of crisis, we urge humans to remain strong and to stand fast.  We will protect you.”

Loud whispers filled the room again as the report cut back to the news reporter, but this time Nina did not quiet us down.  In fact she sat with her hands clenched in her lap and her face bloodless.  In fact, all the seniors looked scared, and I realised that in ten months they would be graduating into war.

“I can’t believe they’re doing this,” Ash whispered.  “Why are they declaring a war over nothing?”

“I don’t know, Ash, batarians landing on one of our planets doesn’t qualify as nothing,” Kaidan whispered back.

“Yes, but that’s only because Ambassador Udina blamed them for what happened to the Lady Victoire,” Ash whispered.   “It wasn’t them.”

“What makes you certain?” Kaidan shot back.  “The batarians could have shot the Hugo Grayson down too.”

“Why would they though?” Ash whispered angrily.  “And why would they take the bodies?  It doesn’t make sense.  I don’t understand why the Alliance would do this when they know that the batarians aren’t behind this.  Do you think we should tell anyone what we know?”

“No,” Kaidan and I said simultaneously.

“Not yet anyway,” I whispered.  “Next week is com Sunday.  Kaidan can download the unofficial report, and we’ll choose our next move from there.”

“You have such faith in my hacking abilities,” Kaidan whispered.  “For all we know the firewalls on this site are so high that I can’t get passed.”

“I thought you were the most powerful biotic in the galaxy or something,” I said.

“Human biotic and I haven’t fully tapped my potential yet,” Kaidan mumbled.

“I’m sure you can do it,” I whispered.  “You haven’t failed yet.”

 .....

The next day started with Kaidan soundly trouncing Ismaeel and Ash narrowly beating Bridget.  Bridget had finally discovered that using her weight against an opponent worked best, and since Ash was a lot lighter than her, she spent a lot of time flying around the ring.  She finally got Bridget in a head-lock.

“The next bouts are Kim versus Tobrin in ring one, McDougal versus Shepard in ring two, Mahlberg versus Sonier in ring three, Holt versus Van Schijk in ring four, Marefo versus Thomas in ring five, and Martins versus Rosiensky in ring six,” Admiral Brawne announced.  “Will Tobrin please come see me ring side?”

“Finally,” I exclaimed.  My nose and head were both aching badly, but I was feeling confident with my chances against Cat.

“I think I cracked her right ribs yesterday, Jane,” Ash said.

“Thanks,” I said.  “But I’m going to win this fair and square.”

“Give ‘em hell, Titch,” Kaidan said, clapping me on the shoulder.

“Please don’t call me that,” I said quietly.

“What?” Kaidan asked.  “Why?”

“I-just don’t,” I answered.  I pulled my shoes off and climbed into ring two where Cat and the umpire were waiting.

“Tap fists,” the umpire said. 

Cat and my fists sort of went half-heartedly towards each other.  I started backwards, but she head-butted me in the nose before I’d gone more than three paces.  Blood spurted out my nose.  I punched her hard in the ribs and she let out an involuntary cry.  And the fight pretty much deteriorated from there.  We didn’t go all out bitch fight (you know, name calling, eye gouging, hair pulling, that kind of thing), but it came very close.  It finally ended (I think the bout was over ten minutes long) when a roundhouse kick of mine knocked her down.  I punched her on the temple and knocked her out good and proper.

I spat out a mouthful of blood (it was hers, I’d bitten her on the elbow somewhere in a particularly tense moment), and climbed out of the ring.  “Are you ok?” Ash asked.  My vest had been torn and I had a cut lip.

“Hm?” I asked.  “Yeah, I’m great.  How’re you?”

“I’m good,” Ash said.

“Well, I’ll tell you who isn’t good,” Kaidan said.  “Catlin Anna Tatum McDougal.  She’s now in third place.”

“The next bouts are Chokovic versus Khan in ring two, Fredrich versus Jones in ring three, Abrahams versus Holt in ring four, Brown versus Edwards in ring five, and Brutzevia versus De Valentino in ring six,” Admiral Brawne said.  “Alenko, please report to me.”

“Hey, how are things going between you and Cupid?” I asked Ash.

“I heard he already has a boyfriend,” Ash said gloomily.  “Do you need a new vest?”

“Naw, I’m good,” I said.  “Sucks about Cupid though.”

“Ja,” Ash said.  “I’m not sure how ready I am for a new relationship though.”

“You miss Pedro?” I asked quietly.

“Ja,” Ash said.  “Sometimes I guess.  I mean, some days I miss him like crazy.  Other days I hardly think of him.”

“It helps to be here though,” I said.  “It helps to keep busy.”

“Most of the time I’m too tired to think about them,” Ash agreed.

I put my arms around her waist and she put her arms around my shoulders.  We stood in companionable silence and watched as Mikhail and Ismaeel had at it.  Kaidan came over to us.  “Admiral Brawne is marking me down as a win since Kim isn’t fit enough to fight,” he said.

Ismaeel got Mikhail into an arm bar, and Mikhail tapped a few minutes later.

“The next bouts are Mahlberg versus Tobrin in ring one, McDougal versus Sonier in ring two, Shepard versus Williams in ring three, Marefo versus Van Schijk in ring four, Martins versus Thomas in ring five, and Rosiensky versus Zonus in ring six,” Admiral Brawne called.

“Seriously?” I asked, eyeing Ash.

“Was bound to happen I suppose,” Ash said, eyeing me.

“This going to be classic,” Kaidan laughed.

“Can it,” I snapped.  “Come on, Ash.”

Together we climbed into ring three.  “I’m not going to go easy on you, Jane,” Ash mumbled.

“Good, cos I ain’t going easy on you either, Ash,” I answered, trying to sound confident.

“Quit trying to sound confident, Janey, it isn’t working,” Ash said.  I quit.

“Touch fists,” the umpire said.

Instead of bumping her fist against my outstretched one, Ash went into our whole handshake routine that we had invented when we were thirteen.  I was still giggling when I had backed away, which is probably why I didn’t see Ash’s flying kick until it connected with my face.  I went down like a dead weight, which by that stage I was.

..... 

I came to lying on my back on the floor of the ring, looking up at the lights above me.  Such pretty lights, all filled with dust and cobwebs.  Bugs were the only organisms apart from humans to survive the nuclear war.  Most of the other animals were evacuated, Noah’s Arc-like when Earth first became uninhabitable.

I became aware of someone holding my hand.  “Please tell me you didn’t cry whilst I was out,” I said to whoever it was.

Whoever it was gave a shaky laugh.  “Janey?” she said, turning out to be Ash.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“You alive?” Ash asked.

“Yeah,” I said.  “You beat my ass, Williams.”

“Well and truly,” Ash said.  “For a moment I thought I’d killed you, Jane.  It was terrible.”

“Yeah, see, that’s why I don’t normally giggle,” I said.  “I don’t pay attention to what’s going on around me.”

“Can you stand?” Ash asked. 

I considered.  “I think so,” I said.  “If you help me.”

According to Admiral Brawne, this little incident resulted in me dropping to second place where I was tied with Ash, whilst Kaidan was top and destined to go through to the competition.  Afterwards, Admiral Brawne called me over to him.

“Are you feeling alright, Shepard?” he asked me.

“Well, apart from the fact that my best friend just clocked me, I’m great sir,” I said.  “Why do you ask?”

“Well, you took quite a beating there, Shepard,” Admiral Brawne said.  “I want to make sure that you’re well.”

I narrowed my eyes suspiciously.  “Alenko hit Jones a lot harder than Ash hit me, sir,” I said.  “Did you check on Jones too?”

“No, but, well, I gathered that you’re going through a rough patch at the moment, Shepard, and I want to make sure that you don’t burn out,” Admiral Brawne said. 

I supposed that being put on two different charges in one week, being beaten up by a senior recruit, being asked to shoot at a fellow grunt and then shooting the same fellow grunt, and being beaten up three days in a row by six different fellow grunts would count as a hard time.  All I said was, “Yes sir.”

..... 

My hard time continued into fitness where we started practicing crawling through the tunnel.  The tunnel was to me a contraption designed by either the devil, or Eezo 9 (the electro funk band that was the rage at that time).  To be fair it was probably a lot worse for the rest of my teammates who were considerably broader and taller than I was and would thus be a tighter squeeze than I was.  I hesitated though when I came to the mouth of the tunnel.  It was only eight feet long, but it was to be a terrifying eight feet.

“Come on, Ken,” Commander Anderson snapped.  “The tunnel isn’t going to come to you like Barbie comes to your dick, you have to go to it.”

“Sorry sir,” I mumbled.  I took a deep breath, squeezed my eyes shut and climbed into the tunnel.

It was worse, far worse than I had expected.  My breathing escalated and I started trembling almost immediately.  For some reason (I don’t know why), when I’m somewhere that triggers my claustrophobia, I hear my mother reading Dr Seuss stories.  When I was small and got sick, she used to read to me.

So, for each push, I heard her reciting Green Eggs and Ham to me.  Maybe it was linked to the fact that when I was feverish, I used to tremble and sweat, much the same way I did when I was in an enclosed space. 

My eyes were shut, and I didn’t see when I reached the lip of the tunnel.  I lost my balance and fell forward into space.  I landed with a loud splash into the water.  I surfaced briefly, gasping and spluttering.  It took me a while to find my feet and stand up.  The water came up to my shoulders and I stood there, gasping and spitting water out of my mouth.

“Ken,” Commander Anderson bellowed.  “What the hell are you doing?  Didn’t I tell you to go through feet first so that you could land on your feet in the water?”  He might have done, but to be perfectly honest I’d been too busy worrying about making it through the tunnel at all.  I continued to gulp at the air like a volus out of his pressure suit (volus are of course unable to survive in the atmospheric pressure that most other galactic species live in, and are required to live in pressure suits when not on their homeworld, Irune).

I saw Ash move to stand behind Anderson.  Knock him out, I pleaded with my eyes.  Then knock everyone else here out too so that I can get to my asthma pump.  Her eyes ignored mine.

“Get out here, Ken,” Commander Anderson shouted.

I nodded, continuing to wheeze, and tried to get my legs to work properly, but it was getting harder and harder to breathe.  My choices now were dying out there or getting my asthma pump and showing everyone that I’d lied to the examination board.  I chose to pray.

Please, God, I don’t want to die out here, I said in my head.  I know my asthma is my punishment for pride and sloth, but I can’t die out here.  There’s so much I can still do with my life.  Please, God.

“What the fuck are you doing, boy,” Commander Anderson shouted, seeming to lose patience.  At that moment God answered my prayers in the form of the gas alarm going off. 

There was a pause of confusion, then Ash shouted, “Gas,” and started fumbling in her BOL.

The cry was passed down the row of recruits.  Crap, dying of exposure to nuclear radiation wasn’t much better than dying of an asthma attack.  I forced my legs into action and slipped and slid my way to the edge of the pool.

“Take my hand,” Commander Anderson commanded, holding his hand out.  He had already pulled his gas mask on.  I grabbed his hand, and he lifted me out of the pool.  “Jesus Christ, child how much do you weigh?” he asked, handing me my BOL.

“Very funny, sir,” I gasped.  I pulled my gas mask out and placed it over my face.  Maybe there were some steroids or something in my mask, because my breathing slowed down considerably with the mask over my face.

“Pod 3 and Pod 4, let’s head for the shelter,” Commander Anderson shouted through his mask.  “Do it in an orderly and unhurried fashion please.  Barbie, if you’ll lead the way.”

The bunker was only a few metres from the obstacle course.  Once inside, we sat down on the benches whilst Commander Anderson called the register to make sure that we were all there.  After a while the shelter intercom beeped.  “Commander Anderson?” someone asked worriedly.

“Anderson here,” Commander Anderson said.

“This is Gomez,” Gomez said.  “I’m missing one of my Pod 3 students, Senior Recruit Johannes Risch.  He went to the bathrooms just before the gas alarm went off.  Do you maybe have him there with you?”

Commander Anderson frowned.  “Negative, I only have my Pod 3 and Pod 4 grunts here with me,” he said.  “Do you know which bathroom he went to?”

“No sir,” Gomez said.

Commander Anderson sighed tiredly.  “See if you can raise him on the general channel,” he said.  “If he can give us a location, we can send HazMat out to him.”

“Aye aye, Commander,” Gomez said.  “Gomez out.”

“Fuck fuck fuck,” Commander Anderson muttered.

A few moments later the intercom beeped again.  “This is Victor Gomez calling Senior Recruit Johannes Risch,” it said.  “Johannes Risch, if you read this, please give your location so that we can bring you in.”  There was a long pause.  “Nothing.  Admiral Greyling, permission to go out and search for him.”

“Permission denied, Gomez, this is a strong one,” Admiral Greyling said over the intercom.  “We’re going to be in here for a while.”

“He’s going to die out there, sir,” Gomez said.

“Acknowledged,” Admiral Greyling said.  “Sit tight, Gomez.  That’s an order.”

“Aye aye, sir,” Gomez muttered and the intercom went dead. 

“Stay calm,” Commander Anderson said authoritatively. 

“Well, on the plus we might miss the maths test,” Bridget muttered.

Commander Anderson reached into his BOL.  “Who knows how to play poker?” he asked.

The next three hours were spent playing poker, which turned out to be quite interesting, since the wearing of gas masks makes it impossible to tell if someone is bluffing or not.

At midday Admiral Greyling came onto the intercom.  “Recruits, the Prime Minister is making a statement to the Alliance,” he said.  “Patching you through.”

Jan Du Plessis’s voice came on over the intercom.  “My fellow humans,” he said.  “It troubles me a great deal that I have to bring you this announcement.  As you are no doubt aware, batarians landed ships on the colony of Skyllia, and we gave them until midday to remove their ships.  The batarian ships have not been removed, and as of midday we have been at war with the batarians.  Now, as alarming as this news is, I urge our citizens not to panic.  We have fought these types of wars before and we have prevailed.  We have a strong army with young men and women who are eager for battle.  Stand fast.  Stand strong.  Stand together.”

“Wonderful,” Commander Anderson groaned when the report was finished.  “Guess I’m headed for Skyllia next week to fight the fucking spiders.”  Spider was the derogatory name given to batarians, owing to their black, slightly hairy skin and eight spider-like eyes on their foreheads.

“De Valentino comes from Skyllia,” Edwards, the only Pod 4 girl, said.

“Does he now, Daisy?” Commander Anderson said.  “Cupid, then I apologise for my insensitivity, but I doubt very much you’ll have much of a home to go back to.  The batarians are some tough motherfuckers.”

“We can beat them,” a voice said quietly from the corner.  Twenty four pairs of eyes turned in the direction of the voice.

“Who said that?” Commander Anderson asked.

“Jones, I mean Who?,” Pierre said.

“Who?, I am impressed and somewhat alarmed to discover that you have a voice,” Commander Anderson said.  “However, if our soldiers on the front are as good as you are we might as well kiss humanity goodbye.  Unfortunately, I have to fight in this war as I actually like the South Americans.  If they were attacking Tiptree, I could say that I am for the murder of Americans and can’t fight.  Wait, there aren’t any Americans in here are there?”

I sighed.  “My father’s family came from Texas before the world war, sir,” I said.

“Of course, Ken,” Commander Anderson said.  “You’re not fully American though, are you?”

“My mother was Chinese,” I said.  “She grew up on Zhu’s Hope.”

“Well, there you have it, two hated races for the price of one,” Commander Anderson said.  “You sure there isn’t any turian blood in there too?”

“Are you scared, sir?” I asked mildly.

There was a collective gasp around the shelter.  Commander Anderson seemed to survey me through his gas mask.  “Damn straight, I’m scared, Ken,” he said at last.  “Let me cue you in on a secret that the Alliance doesn’t like to spread around.  It’s the soldiers that aren’t scared that we usually get worried about.  That’s when we call in the psych consults and the strait jackets, because there’s something seriously wrong with a soldier who goes fearlessly into a battle.”  You could hear a pin drop in the shelter, that’s how quiet we all were.  For the first time someone was speaking honestly about what it was like to go to war.  “A little bit of fear in a battle is a good thing.  It sharpens your senses, makes you move faster, think faster.  It keeps you alive.  It’s when that fear becomes debilitating that it becomes a problem.  That’s when you should rather sit the battle out.”  He looked around at us.  “Christ, I need a fag,” he said.

 .....

We ended up writing the math test inside the shelter with Commander Anderson watching us to make sure we didn’t cheat.  I found it difficult to concentrate and decided to reconcile myself to the life of a paratrooper after all.  I might even make officership, since I knew basic marine protocols.

The all-clear was finally sounded close to midnight, and we stumbled out of the shelter and took our gas masks off.  It was a hot night, which added to the breathlessness I’d been feeling the entire day.

“Come on, grunts, back to your pods,” Commander Anderson said.

“Do you reckon they found Risch?” Ash asked in a low voice.

“Dunno,” I mumbled.  I looked up at the sky, which was its usual angry red.  Most days the pollution was so bad you couldn’t see the sun.  At night the light pollution from Seattle reached all the way down to Del Sol.

“Come on,” Kaidan said.  “I don’t know about you guys, but I could do with a shower before bed.”

A large crowd of seniors were standing in the doorway of the bathroom.  “What’s going on?” I asked Mzu, who was standing closest to me.

“They’ve found Risch,” Mzu answered quietly.  “Nina’s gone to fetch Marika.”

“Do you reckon he’s still alive?” Zac asked softly.

“We were in the shelter for fourteen hours,” I answered.  “I doubt it somehow.”

“Excuse me,” Nina called from behind us.  “Make way.”

The crowd reshuffled itself and Ash, Kaidan and I found ourselves suddenly standing at the front of the crowd.  “Oh God,” Ash mumbled, shutting her eyes.

A boy-shaped pile of ash and dust lay curled in the far corner of the room.  There were long blood smears along the walls as though he had tried to claw his way through the walls.

“Everyone back to their dorms,” Marika ordered.  “Go on, get moving.”

We all trooped silently to our dorm.  “Why didn’t he try to get out?” Mikhail asked as we undressed and got into bed.  “Why did he stay there?”

“The safety protocol,” Ismaeel said and we all shuddered.  The safety protocol said that during a nuclear drill, all the doors and windows in the compound get locked, supposedly to force people to go to the shelters instead of hiding indoors where they would almost certainly die.

“Why didn’t he answer the intercom call then?” Bridget asked.

“Maybe he was already dead,” Ash said quietly.  “Or maybe he was so panicked that he didn’t hear the intercom call.”

“One thing’s for sure,” Zac said fervently, getting into his bed.  “There’s no way in hell I’m dying like that.”

“Like what, Tobrin?” Sven asked, climbing into his bed.  The entire bunk gave an ominous creak.

“Trapped like that,” Zac said.  “If there’s a drill and I’m left behind, I’ll head into the tunnel on the obstacle course.  You can rescue me there.”

“Noted,” Cat said.  “Now, go to sleep.”

.....

Finally, Sunday crawled into my life.  It felt like I had just experienced the longest, crappiest week of my entire miserable existence, and I couldn’t wait for it to end.  Unfortunately, owing to the fact that we had lost an entire day in the middle of the week, we weren’t allowed to take the day off and were expected in the Warehouse for combat at five in the morning, same as any other day.

Kaidan had trounced me rather thoroughly on Friday, and I was now sitting in third place, under Kaidan and Ash.  I didn’t mind.  I wasn’t sure I wanted to be beaten up by Pod 2 fighters in front of the entire academy.  My only wish was to win my final fight against Bridget, so that my regimen hours wouldn’t be too long for the next six weeks.  To my satisfaction, I had the best bout I’d had all week.  For some strange reason, the competition was pretty even and we both got some good hits in before I got her to tap in side control.

At the end of the session Admiral Brawne announced, “In first place for Pod 3 we have Alenko, who won all eleven his bouts.  In second place is Williams, who won ten of her bouts.  In third place is Shepard who won nine of her bouts.”

“Fucking perfectionists,” I heard Sven mumbled.

I glanced in his direction.  Both he and Cat looked furious that we had beaten them.  “Clique isn’t happy,” I mumbled to Ash.

“Fuck ‘em,” Ash whispered back.

In fitness we did the final leg of the obstacle course, the gulley slide.  This was pretty much a zip slide across a fifty metre gap.  It was quite hilarious though, because the slide was basically on a level incline, which meant that the lighter individuals (myself, Zac, Cat and Ash), got stuck halfway across and had to kick our feet to pick up enough momentum to make it to the other side.  Commander Anderson laughed so hard he was hanging onto the tunnel for support.  I left the obstacle course, certain I had done my best to bring my regimen time down.

In weapons and armoury we were practicing shooting shotguns, and I learnt exactly what Admiral Greyling meant by ‘helluva kick’ when he was talking about the Venom shotgun.  The first time Kyle fired his shotgun he dislocated his shoulder.  I had a large, perfectly round bruise on my own shoulder from the shotgun kick.

Five minutes before the end of the session, Admiral Greyling called us into a huddle around him in the middle of the shooting range.  “So, we’ve had a good week,” he said.  “I taught you all how to shoot a Scorpion pistol, a Vindicator rifle and a Venom shotgun.  I will be testing you on both speed and precision when I come back.  This will be an FP, and after this, should you all pass, I’ll teach you how to shoot from cover.  I’ll expect you to have decided by then which your preferred weapon will be, as this is the weapon you will use for special training exercises.”

“Which weapon is most commonly used, sir?” Kaidan asked.

“Usually most recruits choose a rifle, as its kick isn’t as viscous and it’s easier to handle,” Admiral Greyling said.  “However, you need to choose this for yourself based how well you can use the weapon and how precise your shooting is with it.  Of course, you can change your preference, but we have found, particularly in the marines, that people tend to stick to the weapon they choose when they’re grunts.  I will be making a recommendation when I test you in six weeks’ time.  Any other questions?”  There were none.  “Well, then, I wish you well for the next six weeks.  Practice hard and it’ll pay off.  And good luck to those of you who’ll be taking part in the hand-to-hand competition next week.”

 .....

Suang returned to us at lunch time.  I caught up to him as he was leaving after the meal.  “Hey, Kim,” I said, grabbing his unbandaged arm.

“Shepard,” he said, nodding at me.

“Look, I meant to come visit you in the med bay,” I said.  “I just want to say, sorry for shooting you.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Suang answered.  “Thanks for not killing me or fatally wounding me or something.”

“My pleasure,” I said.  “You ok?”

“Well, apart from the hectic regimen hours I’m going to get for missing most of this week, yeah, I’m good,” he answered.  “I’m actually ok about it though.  Med said I can’t do anything strenuous for another two weeks.”

“We’ll help you out,” I promised.

“Thanks Shepard,” Suang said.

..... 

We got the marks of our math test back that afternoon.  Charlie Jansen prowled up and down the rows of desks.  “I was somewhat surprised to find that, according to these test marks, only one of you is going to be leaving us,” he said.  I immediately reconciled myself to my immanent departure.  “Look at your marks.  Most of them are shit, and if I had my way, more of you would be leaving,” he continued.  “Unfortunately, for this test, fifty per cent was the cut off.  Just know that, for the trigonometry and calculus tests, you will be expected to get seventy five per cent and up in order to continue training here.”

I opened the math test on my datapad and looked at the mark.  “Whoo hoo,” I cried.  “Fifty four per cent.  I’m the smartest person on this planet.”

Jansen glared at me.  “I wouldn’t be happy about that, if I were you, grunt,” he said.  He hadn’t bothered learning our names.

“Sir, given that I only learnt the twelve times table two months ago, I’m very happy,” I said.  I turned to Kaidan.  “How did you do?” I asked.

“Fifty six per cent,” he said happily.  “How about you, Ash?”

“Um, seventy four per cent,” Ash said in a small voice.

“You’re upset about that?” I asked incredulously.

“If it was a trig test I’d be out,” Ash said. 

“Yeah, and so would we,” Kaidan said, laughing.  “We could become beggars.  I can teach you how to do that, it’s dead easy.”

“Now the top mark in this class was to two Pod 3 students funnily enough, whose names are-,” Jansen squinted at his datapad.  “Ashley Williams and Zacharias Tobrin.  Where are you?”

Ash blushed a bright red colour and raised her arm.  “They each got seventy four per cent,” Jansen continued, sounding bored.  “Well done.  Of course, that mark would see you kicked out had this been trig or calculus.  Now, which ignoramus is Carla Rivera?”  A Pod 5 girl blushed and raised her arm.  He glared at her.  “My dear, you got forty eight per cent, which means that you are the weakest link.  Goodbye.”

“I don’t understand,” Kaidan whispered.

“It’s from a gameshow that showed in the early twenty first century,” Ash whispered.  “When you get voted off the host would say ‘You are the weakest link.  Goodbye.’”

“Is it like _Go for the credits_?” Kaidan asked, referring to a volus game show.

“Kinda,” I said.  “More like _The smartest species in the galaxy_ , except you don’t work in teams.”  _The smartest species in the galaxy_ was an elcor show and was thus my favourite game show on the Citadel network.  I missed elcor.  They were more interesting than most humans.

..... 

According to propaganda hour that night the war with the batarians was going well.  Alliance ships had bombed the crap out of the batarian ships on Skyllia.  Unfortunately, batarian ships had retaliated by bombing the crap out of Skyllian towns, and the casualties were high, but the brave men and women on the front were keeping the faith.  In other news, sugar, coffee and jam were all being rationed and the recruitment applications had increased by ten per cent in the last three days.  I was told once by my father that the best time to be alive was during a war.  He had seen the end of the First Contact War, so he should know.

The regimen lists were posted just before lights-out that evening.  I climbed up into my bunk and opened the document.  ‘Combat,’ I read.  ‘Eight hours a week.  Fitness: eighteen hours a week.  Recon: thirty two hours a week.  Weapons and armoury: one hour a week.’  I opened my calculator, just to make sure that my suspicions were correct.

“Whoo hoo,” I crowed.  “Nine hours of work a day.  How did the rest of you do?”

“Five hour day,” Kaidan said, looking bored.  “And I’m going to be fighting in the competition.”

“Surprise surprise,” Ash mumbled.  “I’m not though.  I didn’t get enough points or something.”

“Seven hour day,” Cat said, looking superior.

“Same here,” Ismaeel said.

“Wow, my W and A hours came down by ten,” Zac said.  “Thanks Shep.”  Shep?  That was new.  It had a badass air to it.

“You’re welcome,” I said badassidly.  “So, same set-up as last time?”

“What the hell, Shepard, it worked,” Bridget said.  “I think so.”

“Kim and I will make timetables tomorrow morning,” Zac said.

“Lights out,” Liam bellowed out of the senior recruits’ door.  There was a mad scramble for bed.

 .....

I had forgotten by Monday morning that I had to see the social worker, and it was only after com, when Kaidan said, “Aren’t you seeing Beth today?” that I remembered.

“Beth?” I asked.  “Who’s Beth?”

“You know, the shrink,” Kaidan said.  “Elizabeth.”

“You see the shrink too, Alenko,” I said.

“Yeah, I know,” Kaidan said.  “There’s nothing wrong with seeing a shrink, not anymore.”

I mumbled something incoherent under my breath, but at nine I found myself standing outside Elizabeth’s office.

“Come in,” she called after I’d knocked.

I pushed the door open.  She was sitting behind her desk, typing something on her terminal.  “Jane,” she said, looking up at me.  “Come in.  Have a seat.  Sorry, I need to submit this now or my supervisor will have my head.”

“No problem,” I said, sitting down on one of the chairs and looking around the office.  Nothing much had changed since my visit last week.

“Voila,” Elizabeth said, pressing a button with a flourish.  She got up and sat down in the chair opposite mine.  “Sorry about that,” she said.  “How are you?”

I shrugged.  “Ok, I guess,” I said.

“Good to hear that,” Elizabeth said.

“It is?” I asked, surprised.

“It’s better than horrible,” Elizabeth said.  “Well, let’s get down to business.  Before we start, I just want to say that anything you say to me will be kept confidential.  I will be writing weekly case reports on our sessions, but that’s more to monitor my progress.  I’m only allowed to break confidentiality if I think that you’re going to harm yourself or someone else, or if someone else is harming you.  Ok?”

I laughed.  “Let me get this straight,” I said.  “I’m attending Del Sol Academy where I am verbally abused on a daily basis by my trainers, my fellow grunts and the senior recruits, and where I am being trained for the eventuality that I will one day be in a situation where I have to kill another person.  You’d better hope I don’t become suicidal or you’re in deep shit.”

Elizabeth blushed bright red.  “Ja, well maybe that wasn’t the smartest thing to say,” she said.  “Let me rephrase.  If I suspect that you are homicidal outside of the parameters that fit your profession, I’ll have to report you.”

I cocked my head.  “Alright,” I said.

“So, tell me a bit about yourself,” Elizabeth said.

Oh boy, this is where it starts.  “What do you want to know?” I asked cautiously.

“What do you want to tell me?” Elizabeth asked.

“Look, I’ll tell this to you right now, ma’am,” I said.  “I don’t want to be here.  I don’t like the idea of a complete stranger listening to my life story and telling me shit about myself.  Quit the open ended questions and tell me what you want to hear.”

Elizabeth observed me for a couple of moments.  “You seem quite hostile, Jane,” she said.

“Yeah, you noticed,” I mumbled.

“I’m wondering the reason for that,” Elizabeth continued, her tone mild.

“You are, are you?” I asked, folding my arms and slouching down in my chair.  All very childish, but who cares?

“I get the sense that you don’t really want to be here,” Elizabeth said.

I rolled my eyes.  “My God, shrinks can read minds,” I said.  “How about that?”

“Alright, well we don’t have to talk about anything intense,” Elizabeth said.  “Do you watch TV?”

“Sometimes, but I prefer reading,” I said.  “I haven’t watched anything recently.  Apart from propaganda hour that is.”

“Propaganda hour?” Elizabeth asked.

I blushed.  Poker face, Shepard.  “Yeah, that’s what I call news hour,” I said evenly.

“I take it you don’t really believe in what’s reported,” Elizabeth said.

“No, I believe in it,” I said.  “I just don’t see why we all are forced to watch extensive reports on the couple of thousand salarians that were killed to claim some colony.”  I sighed.  “I can speak turian, salarian, quarian, drell, krogan and asari fluently,” I explained.  “It gives me some perspective on their cultures, which makes it hard for me to watch how we glorify the killing of them in order to further ourselves.  It’s like when the Europeans colonised Africa way back when, how they went back to Europe and said that Africans are primitive and dirty, how white people are so much more superior.”

“You think we’re doing the same thing now?” Elizabeth asked.

“Yeah,” I said.  “It’s kind of dumb though, because as much as we are saying the turians are stupid for believing in spirits, or the asari believe in a goddess, the majority of the aliens are ten times smarter than we are.  We only discovered deep space travel a hundred years ago, and most of the other aliens, save the vorcha, drell, yahg and volus, have been doing it for more than a thousand years.”

“It seems you enjoy alien culture,” Elizabeth said.

“Yeah,” I said.  “I mean, at least they have a culture.  Humans used to once upon a time, but now the culture is not having a culture.”

“That’s…very profound,” Elizabeth said.  “Tell me, what else do you enjoy?”

I narrowed my eyes.  “Why do you want to know?” I asked suspiciously.

“Well, you said you enjoy reading,” Elizabeth said.  “What else do you enjoy doing?”

“Fucking,” I said.

Her expression didn’t change.  “Really?” she asked.  “What do you enjoy about it?”

“It makes up for all the times my father touched me up,” I snapped.  I was getting annoyed.  She was silent for a long time.  I sighed.  “Not really,” I said.  “My father never touched me up, and I’m still a virgin.”

“Does it bother you that you’re still a virgin?” Elizabeth asked.

“Nope,” I said.  “Most men are assholes in any case.”

“What makes you say that?” Elizabeth asked quietly.

I picked at a loose thread on my trousers.  “Nothing,” I said.  I cast my mind around for a topic.  “I’m claustrophobic,” I blurted out.

“Ok,” Elizabeth said.  “Tell me more.”

“Not much to tell really,” I said, annoyed with myself.  “The only weird thing is that when I’m in a closed-in space I sometimes hear my mother’s voice reading Dr Seuss books to me.  Alright, tell me I’m mad.”

Elizabeth smiled.  “I doubt you’re any madder than anyone else here,” she said.  “What do you think is the reason for your hearing your mother’s voice?”

I shrugged.  “You’re the shrink,” I said.  “You tell me.”

“I can’t tell you,” she said.  “Only you know the answer.”

I pulled at the thread again.  “Is that some kind of voodoo-shrink mumbo-jumbo?” I asked.  “’Only you know the answer.  Hooo.’”  She laughed.

“No, I mean, I need more information,” she said, smiling.  “Phobias usually stem from a specific event that the individual found traumatic.  Were you ever accidently locked in a dark space or something?”

My hand froze on my trousers.  “No,” I whispered.  “Never.”

“What is it?” Elizabeth asked quietly.  She had noticed my sudden change in mood.

“Nothing,” I said, raising my head.

“Are you sure?” Elizabeth asked.  “You’re pale and trembling.  It doesn’t seem like nothing.”

“It’s nothing, ok?” I snapped.  “I’m fine.  My favourite book is _Moonshine._   It’s about a teenager who wants to die.”  I forced a smile onto my face.

She studied me for a while.  “Would you like to tell me about the book?” she asked.

..... 

The next morning Kaidan, Ash and I went on our forty-eight hour stand-to.  “I’m actually pretty pissed off at you, Shepard,” Kaidan said.  “I could be training for the competition now, but instead I’m stuck here.”

“Calm yourself,” I said.  “Anyway, I didn’t force you to follow me, did I?  You two chose to follow me to the shooting range.”

“Oh, well, excuse us for trying to help you by having your back,” Kaidan snapped.

“If you were really having my back I wouldn’t have been caught,” I snapped back.

“Will you two shut up?” Ash asked.  “This is bad enough without you guys being at each other’s throats.”

“If I lose, it’s your fault Jane,” Kaidan mumbled.

“Kaidan,” Ash said warningly.  “Seriously, you two are worse than a married couple.”

Kaidan frowned.  “What do you mean?” he asked, looking confused.

“It’s an old Afrikaans saying,” Ash said.  “My granny used it sometimes.  ‘Soos twee ou getroudes’.  Like an old married couple.”

“Yeah, but what does that mean?” Kaidan asked.

“Well, apparently an old married couple squabbles a lot,” Ash said.  “I wouldn’t know since my parents weren’t married and didn’t live together.”

“My parents fight a lot,” Kaidan said.  “They don’t squabble.”

“What do they fight about?” I asked.

“Credits usually,” Kaidan said.  “Dad tends to spend all the credits he makes on booze, which pisses Mom off.  Usually then I take Elise, Tracey and Sasha out to the park.  I’d take Abbie out too, but she hardly does what I say anymore.”

“Who are Elise, Tracey, Sasha and Abbie?” I asked.

“Elise, Tracey and Abbie are my younger sisters,” Kaidan said.  “Elise’s ten, Tracey’s twelve and Abbie’s fourteen.  Sasha’s my puppy.  She’ll be four months old now.  My girlfriend gave her to me when I got accepted here.”

“Wait, you have a girlfriend?” Ash asked, her eyes on my face.

“Not really,” Kaidan said.  “I broke it off with her before I came here.  I’ve seen the TV programs, I know long-distance relationships don’t work.  The thing is, Snixx is a difficult girl.  I doubt she thinks we’ve broken up.”  He sighed deeply, and my heart-beat eased up.  “Anyway, what did your parents fight about, Jane?”

“Nothing really,” I said tonelessly, remembering my session with Elizabeth the previous day.

“No?” Kaidan asked.  I shook my head.

I’d remembered as I’d been talking to Elizabeth what had happened to give me claustrophobia.  When I was three I’d gotten a really bad, really painful lung infection.  I was miserable and because of this I made everyone around me as miserable.  I think we were staying in Tiptree, visiting my grandparents.  Mom spent a lot of time cooped up in the hotel room with me, reading Dr Seuss stories to me.  One day, Dad took Jean and John down to the shooting range and Mom and I cuddled in bed whilst she read to me.  Her huge belly pressed against me and sometimes I felt the baby kicking.

“My brother,” I would say.

“It might be a sister,” Mom would reply.

I already had a sister.  She looked like me, but people seemed to like her more.

“I think it’s a brother,” I said.

Mom was reading my favourite book, Green Eggs and Ham, to me, her finger travelling underneath the words so that I could read them too.  It was quite late, and Mom kept looking at the alarm clock next to the bed and pressing her lips together.

Eventually, the door opened and Dad, Jean and John stepped into the room.  “Hey Mommy,” Jean said, jumping onto the bed.  She wrapped her arms around Mom’s belly.  “Hello baby,” she whispered.

Dad swayed in the doorway, John’s hand gripped in his own.  “You’re spoiling her, Jin,” he said, slurring slightly.

“Where were you?” Mom snapped, kissing the top of Jean’s head.

“You shouldn’t spoil her, Jin,” Dad said, stepping into the room and shutting the door behind `him.

“She’s sick, Jordan,” Mom said angrily.  “I’m reading to her.”

“You mollycoddle her,” Dad said, his voice rising.  “In the army, nobody looks after you.  You have to take care of yourself.”

“For fuck’s sake, Jordan, she’s three,” Mom shouted.  “She’s not in the army.”  She took a deep breath and got out of bed.  Jean snuggled into the bed next to me. 

“Don’t raise your voice to me,” Dad shouted.

“Have you been drinking?” Mom asked quietly.

“What?” Dad asked.

“I asked if you took my son and my daughter to the bar and got drunk,” Mom said.  Dad said nothing.  “You’re a fucking pig, Jordan, do you know that?  You’re teaching John how to fire a gun.  He’s five and you’re teaching him how to kill people.”

“Don’t you talk to me like that,” Dad shouted, raising his fist.

“How?” Mom asked.  “You don’t want me to call you a pig?  You asshole, don’t raise your hand at me.”

Dad punched Mom hard in the face and she fell down.  Mom sat up and laughed.  “You bastard, I’ll send you to jail for that,” she said, spitting blood from her mouth.

Dad kicked her in the head.  He kept kicking her until I jumped off the bed and stepped in front of him.  “Stop it,” I screamed.  His next kick hit me in the chest, and I crumpled around myself, gasping for air.

Dad picked me up by the scruff of the neck and chucked me into the wardrobe.  I lay there, gasping for breath as he closed the door tightly behind him.  Later that evening, when Mom went into labour, she told the doctors that she had fallen down the stairs.  They believed her.  I sometimes wondered if Dad blamed himself when Jason was diagnosed with cerebral palsy, if he wondered which of the kicks had been the one to damage his brain.  Probably not.  He was very stubborn.  I got that from him.

..... 

We were all hallucinating by the time we got off on Thursday morning.  We’d run out of water midway through Wednesday and hadn’t slept or eaten since Tuesday morning.

“Oh God,” Kaidan mumbled.  “My first fight is in four hours.”

“Well, go get some sleep like a good little boy,” I said.  “I’ll see if I can scrounge up some food.  You too, Ash.”

They nodded and made for the dorm.  I headed for the kitchen, which was thankfully deserted.  In the storeroom at the back of the kitchen I found a parcel labelled ‘Shepard, J., breakfast, 28 October 2177.  H-153 cm, W-40 kg’.  Clearly they hadn’t chucked the leftovers from breakfast yet.  Next to it stood a parcel labelled ‘Williams, A., breakfast, 28 October 2177.  H-170 cm, W-58 kg.’  Next to that parcel was a third parcel that was labelled ‘Alenko, K., breakfast, 28 October 2177.  H-190 cm, W-69 kg.’  Perfect.

I balanced the parcels on top of one another and turned to leave.  I’d barely taken four steps outside the door before I heard someone shout, “Shepard.”  It was Nina.

I sprang neatly to attention and saluted with my free hand.  “Yes ma’am,” I said smartly.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” she shouted.

I looked at the parcels in my hand.  Well, there weren’t many answers to that one.  I considered saying, “I’m not Shepard, I’m her evil twin and I’m here to wreak havoc on all of Earth,” but decided against it.  The excuse was overused, and besides everyone knew my family was dead.  Instead I chose the truth. 

“I’m taking Alenko his breakfast,” I said.

Nina’s mouth was already halfway open, no doubt to scream at me some more.  She stared gormlessly at me.  “What?” she asked.

“Well, Kaidan’s the only Pod 3 in this competition and I want him to win,” I said.  “He’s been on stand-to with me for the last forty-eight hours, so I figured it was the least I could do.”

I braced myself to be put on another charge, but Nina regarded me silently for a few minutes.  “God knows it’ll be good to win something for a change,” she mumbled.  “Alright, Shepard, I’ll let you get away with this, but if you tell anyone, I’ll deny it.”

“Deny what?” I asked innocently.

“Good girl,” Nina said approvingly.  She saluted me.  “Who’s like us, Shepard?” she asked.

“Damned few, ma’am,” I said, saluting back.  “And they’re all dead.”

“Exactly,” Nina said.  “See you later.”

“Yes, ma’am,” I said.

 .....

At half past eight, Nina and Liam called the Pod together in the rec room.  “This is the moment,” Liam said, striding up and down before us.

“For Christ’s sake, save the bloody lecture,” Giovanni called.

“Shut your trap you no-hoper,” Nina snapped.  “Go on, Screech.”

Liam nodded.  “For the first time in seven years, Pod 3 has someone taking part in the final leg of the hand-to-hand competition,” he continued.  “For the first time in seven years we have a shot at making the five.”

“No pressure, Kay,” Ash mumbled.  Kaidan nodded.  He was paler than usual, but his face was determined.

“I want you all on your best behaviour,” Liam went on.  “I want you to support Alenko in his fights and to hold the Pod with pride.  Alenko, go out there and fight.  We have your back.  Maybe tonight we’ll get to eat the victory banquet.”

“Wait, there’s a victory banquet?” Ash whispered.

“There’d better be pizza or I’m going on strike,” Kaidan whispered back.

“Alright, go out there and show the other pods what it means to be in Pod 3,” Nina said.  “Enjoy the day.”

“Muggins here has never had pizza before,” Ash said as we walked towards the warehouse.

“Are you serious?” Kaidan asked, looking at me.

“Never,” I said.  “I had a cheese burger once, which was quite tasty, but my parents never seemed to have the money to buy us those meals.  They cost something like a million credits don’t they?”

We separated at the door of the Warehouse.  “Good luck,” I said to Kaidan.

“I don’t need luck,” Kaidan said.  “If the shit hits the fan, I always have my biotics.”

“I’m pretty sure you aren’t allowed to use them here,” I said.

Kaidan rolled his eyes.  “Point missed, Jane,” he said.  “See you at lunch time.”

The inside of the Warehouse had been redecorated.  Large Alliance flags and banners adorned the walls and soldiers from different branches of the military were sitting in the stands.  The press stood around with their cameras, talking to recruits.

“Well, isn’t this festive?” Ash asked.

We found our seats in the middle of the stands.  At exactly nine o’clock Admiral Greyling came on to the loudspeaker.  “Good morning and welcome to Del Sol Academy’s ninetieth year.  In the year 2087, twenty one years after the start of the First Contact War and eleven years after the end of the Third World War, first Alliance Prime Minister, Loyiso Motlante commissioned the marine corps admiral, Admiral Pedro Del Sol to open the academy, to train young men and women in the necessary skills to become a member of the Special Forces.  Since then, our programme has flourished and our marine forces are said to be the best in the galaxy, with our best trained officers, the so-called N7s completing many important missions vital to galactic peace.”

“Get on with it bub,” I mumbled.  “Nobody here gives a crap about how great the Alliance is.”

“I wouldn’t be too sure,” Ash mumbled, nodding to where Cat was listening with rapt attention.

“As you are no doubt aware,” Admiral Greyling continued (I supressed a groan), “we have a number of competitions each year.  The hand-to-hand competition usually takes place within the last two weeks of October, the final rounds being what you are here to see right now.  Without further ado, let me introduce the dignitaries present.  Firstly, a warm welcome to the representative of the Prime Minister, the home secretary Joana Khadavis.  Next, allow me to introduce Stephan Hackett, the admiral of the Alliance Navy, Boris Barishka, admiral of the Alliance Air Force, Garth Foster, Admiral to the Alliance Biotics Division and Lawrence Brawne, admiral of the Alliance Artillery.”  We all applauded as the admirals saluted.  “I, of course, am Peter Greyling, Admiral of the Alliance Special Forces, and it gives me great pleasure to ask you all to rise for the Alliance Anthem.”

We all stood up and placed our right hand over our heart.  “’Once, not long ago, the humans were divided into continents and again into countries,’” we sang.  “’Neighbours ignored and no one cared.  Now we stand united under the banner of the Alliance, we are proud to call the one next to us brother.  Remember this, we need each other for survival, and let no man stand alone.  Stand fast, stand strong, stand together.’”

Pretty shitty, but I think most human poets died in the nuclear war.

“Now, it gives me great pleasure to announce the first bouts: Mariana Hespith, junior recruit of Pod 1 versus Washington Haraka, junior recruit of Pod 6,-”

“Jane,” Ash hissed into my ear.

“What is it?” I hissed back.  I wanted to hear Kaidan’s name called.

“Is that Kasuumi?” she asked, pointing at the young woman sitting in the stands next to ours.

I squinted at the woman in question.  “Yeah, looks like it,” I said.  “What’s she doing here, I wonder?”

Kasuumi was easily the most famous person in the galaxy, and was the first ever example of cross-species breeding (well, apart from the asari, but then any asari child comes out looking blue and tentacle-headed like all other asari, so they don’t really count).  Kasuumi was born a year after I was, and had a drell father and a human mother.  Everyone expected her to be born with an amalgamation of human and drell features, but for some reason she was born with a phenotype that was completely unique.  Her skin was white, her hair long and inky black.  There was some of the drell in her features, the blunt nose, the large frog-like eyes, but her face more closely resembled a human.  She was widely considered one of the most beautiful women in the universe and men of all species lined up for her.  Personally I suspected she was quite stuck-up.

“Hey,” Kaidan said, coming up to sit next to us.  “Who’re you staring at?”

“We think Kasuumi’s sitting there,” Ash said. 

“Kasuumi?” Kaidan asked excitedly.  “Where?”

We nodded in her direction.  “Ah man, I have to go speak to her,” Kaidan said, his eyes wide.  “That girl is fine.”

“Why aren’t you fighting, Alenko?” I asked testily.

“Hm?” Kaidan asked.  “I’m only fighting in the next bouts.  Do you think Kasuumi would go for a guy like me?”

“Sure,” I snapped.  “If she was into poor, skinny, biotic human soldiers.”

“So there’s a chance for me?” Kaidan asked eagerly.

“Sweet Jesus,” I mumbled.

“Only one way to find out, Kay,” Ash said.

Kaidan actually blushed.  “Nah,” he said.  “Maybe later.”

“Totally,” Ash said.  “Win some fights for her.”

Kaidan spent the rest of the time craning his neck at the back of Kasuumi’s head.  He heaved a deep sigh when Admiral Greyling called his name for the next bout.

“Ok, what the hell was that?” I snapped.

“Jealous, Janey?” Ash asked lightly.

“What-me?  Jealous?” I spluttered.  “Me?  Jealous of-of what?  There’s no way, no motherfucking way I want to be as famous as Kasuumi bloody Dranne.  I don’t want to be adored, fawned at, famous.”

“No?” Ash asked.

“No,” I repeated loudly.

“Maybe you just want to be adored and fawned at by Kaidan Alenko,” Ash whispered.

“Jump off a cliff, Ashley,” I muttered.

“Well, whatever happens, I hope her presence inspires Kaidan to victory,” Ash said, turning to the ring.

And maybe it did, because Kaidan won his first bout against De Valentino from Pod 4 and his second bout against a senior from Pod 5 easily.

“Guys, I’m really punching well today,” Kaidan said excitedly.  “Do you think she noticed?”

“Well, she’d have to be blind not to,” Ash said, her eyes amused.  “So, you’re the first Pod 3 grunt to make it to the quarter finals in ten years or something.  How does it feel?”

Kaidan shrugged.  “Right now I’m quite tired and I’m still hallucinating a bit,” he said.  “I’ll tell you when I win.”

“Ladies, gentlemen and recruits,” Admiral Greyling said over the intercom.  “It has been an exciting morning, but it is now time for lunch.  Recruits, we will be calling you up by pod to receive your lunch from the Catering Corps gazebo on the east side of the building.  Honoured guests, the stalls around the building are open for your pleasure.  Pod 1, if you would make your way to the gazebo in an orderly fashion.”

“Why can’t we eat from the stalls?” Ash complained.  “Looks like they’re selling pancakes, pizza, boerewors rolls.”

“Because we don’t have enough money to afford most of the stuff,” I said.  “What does a pizza slice go at these days?”

“Three hundred thousand credits,” Kaidan said.  “Way more than what I have.”

“Well, I guess I’m quite used to dry crackers and limp lettuce,” Ash said. “Does wonders for the figure anyway.”

I had to admit though, some of the smells coming from the stalls were driving me mad.  Growing up, I had never really eaten unhealthy food.  One memorable day on the Citadel with my mom I had eaten a cheese burger, which had instantly become my favourite meal of all time, but for the rest it had either been army food or healthy, well-balanced food, intent on keeping a future soldier at optimal strength.

“Pod 3, please make your way to the Catering Corps gazebo,” Admiral Greyling said at last.

I walked with Kaidan and Ash to the gazebo and joined the queue.  “I smell potatoes,” Ash said, frowning.

“Ash, you’re rich,” Kaidan said suddenly.

“Compared to what?” Ash asked, frowning.

“I mean, your father was a commander on an army carrier,” Kaidan said.  “I heard that they earn three million credits a month.”

“Three and a half million,” Ash corrected.  “So?”

“So, that’s pretty rich,” Kaidan said.

“I guess it is,” Ash said.  “I lived four years on an Alliance Carrier, so I wasn’t exactly living in the lap of luxury.  Why do you ask?”

“How do you get with a rich girl?” Kaidan asked.  “All my girlfriends grew up in the same neighbourhood as me.”

“All my girlfriends?” I echoed incredulously.  “How many girlfriends have you had?”

“Five,” Kaidan said.  “No, six.  Snixx, Kayleigh, Mags, Bronze, D.C and Luxy.”

“Kay, rich girls are a problem,” Ash said.  “They’re spoiled and high maintenance.  They expect you to always have chocolates and flowers for them and they’ll always want you on their arm.”

“Oh,” Kaidan said, his face falling.  “Never mind then.”

We reached the front of the queue.  “Name?” the Catering Corps infantryman asked.

“Shepard,” I said.

“What soda do you want?” he asked.

“Er, what?” I asked.

“Lunch today is a hot dog, oven chips and a soda,” he said.  “What soda do you want?”

“Um, cola,” I said, frowning.  The catering corps person handed me a tray.

“Enjoy,” he said.  “Next.”

“Um, Alenko,” Kaidan said.

“Yeah, you’re fighting aren’t you?” the catering corps man said.

“I am,” Kaidan said.

“Can’t serve you, I’m afraid,” the catering corps man said.  “Sorry kid.”

“Are you serious?” Kaidan asked.  “I’ve never eaten a hot dog before.”

“Not going to start today, Alenko,” the catering corps man said.  “Beat it.”

Instead he was given a tray with the usual crackers, tomato, lettuce, cheese and yoghurt.  Ash was handed a tray with a hot dog, chips and a crème soda, and we walked back to the stands.

“This is so unfair,” Kaidan complained.  “I can’t believe I’m representing the pod and forced to eat the same crap as I do every other day.”

I sighed.  “Have a fry, Kaidan,” I said, pushing my tray in his direction.

“Thanks, Shep,” Kaidan said, taking one of my fries.  “Hey, I never asked, what kind of guy are you into?”

“Why do you want to know?” I asked, dropping my gaze.

“Maybe I can hook you up with one of my mates,” Kaidan said.  “Unless you’re lesbian, then I can ask around the neighbourhood.”

“I’m straight,” I said.  “I dunno, tall, dark hair, quite skinny, yet very strong I guess.”

“Really?” Kaidan asked.  His eyes widened.

“I dare you to speak to Kasuumi,” I said quickly.

“What?” Kaidan asked in confusion.

“What?” Ash echoed loudly.

“Go on, I dare you,” I said.

“But-I don’t understand,” Kaidan said.

“It’s not rocket science, Alenko,” I said.  “Just go speak to Kasuumi.  Unless you’re chicken, that is.”

“Why are you doing this?” Ash asked.

“Call it a favour for a friend,” I said.  “I’ll take your guard duty shifts for the week if you do it.”

Kaidan hesitated, frowning.  “Alright,” he said.  “Wait here.”  He got up and straightened his vest.

“What the hell, Jane?” Ash asked the moment Kaidan had walked away.  “What are you thinking?”

“I don’t know,” I said.  “I think I panicked.”

“You were doing so well too,” she groaned.  “Oh, he’s reached Kasuumi.”

He tapped Kasuumi on the shoulder.  She turned, and he said something to her.  She shook her head and turned her back on him.

“Well, that went well,” I mumbled as Admiral Greyling came on the loudspeaker and announced the quarter final bouts.

Kaidan seemed to be tiring though.  It took him far longer to win his quarter final bout against the Pod 1 girl than it should have.  After the fight I went down to where he was sitting, pressing an ice-pack against his eye.

“Getting tired, Alenko?” I asked.

“Yeah, guess so,” Kaidan said.  “I’m not out of it yet though.”

“What did Kasuumi say to you?” I asked, sitting down next to him.

“That she doesn’t talk to nobodies,” he mumbled, looking down.

“Oh,” I said.  “Ouch.  That’s quite harsh.”

“Yeah,” he said.

“She seems like a real stuck-up bitch,” I continued.

“Yeah,” he repeated, sighing.

“This is really bumming you out, isn’t it?” I asked.

“Well, I’ve had a crush on Kasuumi since I was thirteen,” Kaidan said.  “She’s been my fantasy girlfriend for three years.  It’s kinda hard to let that go.”

“I get that,” I said slowly.  “So, prove to her that you’re not some nobody.”

“How?” Kaidan asked.

I shrugged.  “Win the competition,” I said.  “She’ll notice you then, alright.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan said.  “Thanks, Shepard.”

“No problem,” I said, getting up.  “Good luck.”

“Hey, Jane,” Kaidan called after me.

I turned.  “Yeah?” I asked.

“Were you being serious when you told me about the kind of guy you like?”

I considered, my head to the side.  “Yeah,” I said at last.  “I was.  Good luck, Alenko.”

Kaidan’s semi-final was against a Pod 5 boy who was at least twice his build.  The fight was long and mostly one-sided, until the very end where Kaidan punched the boy square in the jaw, knocking him out.

“Junior recruit Alenko is the youngest recruit and the first Pod 3 to make it to the final of the hand-to-hand competition,” Admiral Greyling announced, sounding rather excited.  I caught a glimpse of Nina across the Warehouse.  She seemed apocalyptic with joy.  “He will face Senior Recruit Maoma of Pod 2 in the final.”

“Well, I guess Pod 3 isn’t the joke that it was anymore,” I said to Ash.

“I guess not,” Ash said.  “You know that a lot of that has to do with you.”

“What?” I asked.  “No it doesn’t.  Don’t be ridiculous.”

“If you say so, Grunt Shepard,” Ash said.  We turned and watched Kaidan thoroughly trounce the Pod 2 boy.


	8. Chapter seven: November to December: the unofficial report

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan finds the unofficial report of what happened to the Hugo Grayson. Meanwhile, plans are made for what to everyone is going to do over the winter break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No trigger warnings on this one, which makes a nice change

The day after Kaidan’s spectacular victory (the very first competition Pod 3 had ever won) marked the beginning of a hunger week.  I woke up just before four, waited around a bit for the rising siren, then decided that all sleep was precious, so went back to bed again.  The siren rang at six o’clock.

“What’s this?” Ismaeel asked, looking up at the clock.

“It’s a hunger week, obviously,” Cat said in a horrible, superior voice.

“Oh,” Sven said.  “I was hoping that we were still being rewarded for Alenko’s brilliant performance yesterday.”

“Hm?” Kaidan asked.  “Oh, you mean in the ring?  Yeah, I doubt it somehow.”  
We showered and got dressed.  “Shall we go to the mess hall just to be certain?” Zac asked.

“Might as well,” Pierre answered, sounding dubious.  “You never know what might happen.”

As we all suspected, the catering corps turned us away at the door of the hall. 

“Shit, this is bad,” Kaidan mumbled.

“Yeah, if I lose any more weight I might disappear,” I said.  “If we get really hungry, I suppose we could always kill and eat Mahlberg.  He’s the biggest person in the pod after all.”

“No, that’s not what I meant, although I suppose if push comes to shove we could do that,” Kaidan said.

“Oh,” I said.  “What did you mean then?”

“I mean I’m on chronic medication for my fits and headaches,” Kaidan said.  “I need to take the medicine with food.”

“Crap,” I said.  “So am I, for my allergies and…stuff.”

“You still have your emergency chocolate rations?” Ash asked.

“Maybe three pieces,” I said.  “Why?”

“Come on Jane, think for a second,” Ash snapped.

“I can’t,” I said.  “I’m on strike.  I demand more food and a safer working environment.”

“Holy crap, woman, you’re impossible,” Kaidan groaned.

“Take the medicine with the chocolate, genius,” Ash said impatiently.

“Right,” I said.  “Except I only have three pieces of chocolate left.  Not enough for an entire week.”

Ash rooted around in her BOL.  “Here,” she said, shoving her slab of chocolate into my hands.

“Ash, no it’s fine,” I said.  “I’ll just have a lot of…allergic reactions for the week.”

“Jane, take it,” Ash insisted.  “You can give me your slab for next month.”

“Alright,” I said.  “Thanks.”

..... 

Commander McDougal started the session off by congratulating Kaidan on his performance.  “It’s rare for Pod 3 to have a champion,” he said.  “Good work Alenko.  You may force me to re-evaluate my opinion on you.  You’re not nearly as dim-witted as you appear.”

“Um, thank you, sir,” Kaidan said.

“In December is the marksmanship competition, where Pod 3 will have another champion,” Commander McDougal continued.  “I am yet to find anyone who can outshoot my Catlin.”

“Shepard can,” Zac said quietly.  Unfortunately Commander McDougal heard him.

“Are you contradicting me, boy?” he snapped.

“Well, in our training this week Shepard shot better than McDougal, sir,” Zac said.

“I said no one can outshoot my daughter and you said that someone can,” Commander McDougal shouted.  “That counts as contradicting a commanding officer.  On your feet when I speak to you, Tobrin.”

Zac got slowly to his feet.  “Sir, I’m saying the facts speak for themselves,” he said.

“The facts can go suck a large one, Tobrin,” Commander McDougal shouted.  “I’m putting you on all-night stand-to.  Report to your guard post at 1800 hours.”

Zac sighed and saluted.  “Aye aye sir,” he said.

“And you, Shepard?” Commander McDougal said, rounding on me.  “Do you agree with Tobrin’s assessment that you are the best shot in your pod?”

“Not in a million miles, sir,” I said promptly.  This seemed to satisfy him.

“Well now, it is time to talk about the roundrobin,” he said, moving to the front of the room again.  “It will be happening from the beginning of April until the beginning of May and will be a chance for you all to show the skills that you have learnt in the academy.  Each pod will be divided into four teams, with each team consisting of three recruits.  In the event of a pod having lost a recruit, there will be a team or two with less members.  Now, type this up, it’s important.”  There was a flurry of noise as we got our datapads out.  “The Pod 1 squads will be competing from 1 April until 7 April, Pod 2 from 8 April until 14 April, Pod 3 from 15 April until 21 April, Pod 4 from 22 April until 28 April, Pod 5 from 29 April until 6 May, and Pod 6 from 7 May until 14 May.  The competition tests you on the following fields: weapons and armoury, fitness, combat, tech, reconnaissance, and navigation.  During this time, all pods not competing will all be deployed either to an inactive carrier in orbit around Earth, either the Hobbes or the Churchill, or you will be training for your specialisation.”

“How do you get chosen to do a specialisation?” a Pod 5 boy asked.

“A recruit can only be chosen for a specialisation if he or she gets an average score of eighty per cent or more for a course,” Commander McDougal said.  “There are only four fields that an Alliance marine can specialise in: weaponry, tech, recon and combat, and the lists are announced before December week.  Now, I want you to choose your squads and let me know next Wednesday what these squads are.  Enough of the roundrobin.  Who can tell me who to contact should the commanding officer on the battle field fall?”

 .....

That Sunday was our second communication Sunday of the year.  Owing to the hunger week the hours were slightly different to the previous one.  Kaidan would be kicking things off at seven in the morning.  My slot was at three in the afternoon.  Ash, Kaidan and I put the finishing touches to our plan to hack into the Alliance secure network whilst waiting in line in the showers. 

“I have no idea how long it will take me,” Kaidan said.  “Some codes can take hours to decrypt.  I estimate that it’ll take all three our slots for me to do this.”

“Alright, I’ll check in on Lee again I guess,” Ash said moodily.

It was always awkward for me in the showers and I tended to avoid eye contact with anyone else in the vicinity.  “Are you sure you want to do this, Alenko?” I asked the ceiling.  “I mean, if we’re caught, we’re looking at the very least some jail time.”

“Yeah, I want to do this,” Kaidan said.  “I can’t say I’ll do something and not commit to it.”

“What’s that on your chest, Kaidan?” Ash asked suddenly.

“What, the bruise?” Kaidan asked ironically.  He was covered in bruises.

“No, the scratch,” Ash said.

“Williams, I just won an anything goes boxing tournament,” Kaidan said patiently.  “I’m covered in all kinds of wounds.”

“You weren’t ever scratched,” Ash said.  “And we haven’t done anything to warrant you getting scratched on your nipple.”

“Is she for real?” Kaidan asked me.

“She’s like that,” I said.  “Called my sister an ‘it girl’.”

“She didn’t,” Kaidan said in mock scandalised tones.

“Spill it, Alenko,” Ash said.  “Who was scratching your nipples?”

“For Christ’s sake, you aren’t going to let it go, are you?” Kaidan asked.

“Nope,” Ash said. 

Kaidan sighed.  “Fine, but don’t tell anyone,” he said, dropping his voice and glancing covertly around.  “On Thursday night I snuck away from the feast and met up with Kasuumi.”

“I take it she was impressed by your skills,” Ash remarked nonchalantly, glancing my way.  I rolled my eyes at her.

“Yeah,” Kaidan laughed self-consciously.  “Anyway, one thing led to another, and well, I slept with her.”

“Oh my God, you had sex with Kasuumi,” I said loudly.

“Jane,” Kaidan groaned.

“Who had sex with Kasuumi?” Nina asked from behind me.

“Thanks Shepard,” Kaidan said acidly. 

“Alenko, you dog,” Nina said.  “Hey everyone,” she shouted.  “Our champion has been porking the galaxy’s most beautiful woman.”

A loud chatter filled the room.  “Sorry,” I mumbled.

“I’ll get you later,” Kaidan muttered under his breath.

..... 

Kaidan insisted we sit with him whilst he vidcommed his family.  “They don’t know us from Eve,” I protested. 

“Mom thinks I’m antisocial,” Kaidan said.  “I was part of a gang back home.  Probably still am, it’s one of those blood in blood out gangs.  Anyway, it’ll do her good to see that I have some normal friends.”

“Bra, you don’t know us well if you think we’re normal,” Ash said, settling down next to him in front of the terminal.

“Trust me Williams, compared to some of the people I ran with back home, you’re normal,” Kaidan said.  “You wouldn’t survive a second in Jump Zero.”

“I take it you’re referring to your gang and not the biotics school,” I said.

“Actually, I was referring to the school,” Kaidan said.

“I thought you didn’t attend school,” Ash remarked.

“Jump Zero isn’t actually a school,” Kaidan said.  “It doesn’t teach things like maths or protha.  It teaches life-skills to biotics.  Look, it’s a long story, can we talk about this later?”

The extranet came on and he dialled his home number, then opened a site on the web.  After what seemed like a very long time a woman with greying dark curls and a tired face answered the line. 

“Kaidan,” she exclaimed.

“Hi, Mom,” Kaidan said.

“Oh sweetheart, how are you?” Mrs Alenko asked.  “I miss you so much.  What happened to your face?”

“Starting hack,” Kaidan mumbled to us.  “I’m good, Mom.  These are my friends, Ashley Williams and Jane Shepard.”

“Hi,” I said.

“Nice to meet you,” Ash said.

“Nice to meet you too,” Mrs Alenko said.  “Kay, are you sleeping with these girls?”

“Mom,” Kaidan groaned.

“I’m sorry sweetheart, but I have to ask,” Mrs Alenko said.  “You know what happened last time.”

“Ma’am, you don’t need to worry,” I said.  “Kaidan and my relationship is based purely on the fact that I can shoot better than him and he can run faster than me.”

“Is that some kind of euphemism?” Mrs Alenko asked.

“Mom, just drop it,” Kaidan snapped.  “I’m not having sex with anyone at the moment.”

“Liar,” I heard someone behind us mumble.  Kaidan threw a rude sign behind him.

“Ok, well let me see if the others are up yet,” she said.  She turned and bellowed, “Douglas, kids.  Kaidan’s on the vidcom.”  She turned back to us.  “What happened to your face, Kaidan?”

“It was the hand-to-hand competition this week,” Kaidan answered.

“How did you do?” Kaidan’s mom asked.  “Did you do well?”

“Yeah, I did fairly well,” Kaidan said uncomfortably.

“Actually he won,” Ash said.

“Oh Kaidan,” Kaidan’s mom said excitedly.  “That’s wonderful, I’m so proud of you, well done.  You didn’t cheat, did you?”

“Mom, I haven’t used my biotics at all since coming here,” Kaidan said absently.  “Crap, this is a problem.”

“What is it?” Kaidan’s mom, Ash and I asked at exactly the same time.

“Nothing,” Kaidan said unconvincingly.  “Hey, is Elise around?”

“I’ll go find her,” Kaidan’s mom said, getting up from her chair.

“What is it, Kaidan?” I asked quietly.

“The first firewall is passcode protected,” Kaidan said.  “I have ten seconds to crack the code or admin’ll know something is up.”

“Can you do it?” Ash asked.

“We’re about to find out, aren’t we?” he said.  He raised his hand and sent his water bottle flying across the room and into the opposite wall.

“What the hell was that?” I asked.

“Sorry, when I’m stressed the implant builds up a charge and I need to let it off or it’ll short and I have a fit,” Kaidan said.  “Ouch, that feels much better.”

“Talking to your mother shouldn’t be this stressful, Alenko,” Bridget said sleepily from her bed.

“Hilarious big mama,” Kaidan said.  “Alright, I’m going in.”

He cracked his fingers, and typed a bunch of codes into the terminal.  My eyes fell immediately onto the clock and my lips moved silently with the seconds.  “I’m in,” Kaidan whispered with literally one second to spare.  He raised his hand again and the water bottle flew back across the room and landed in front of him.

“Putting in decryption key,” he said, typing more slowly now.  “And that should take a couple of hours to decode.”

He closed the window as his mother reappeared on the terminal with three dark-haired girls in tow.

“Hey, butt face,” the oldest girl said.

“You’re the butt face,” Kaidan answered.  “Hey there Els, Trace, how’re you doing?”

“We had sport’s day at school on Friday,” the youngest girl said excitedly.  “I won the Victrix.”

“No kidding,” Kaidan said.  “You’re just a kid and you’re the fastest person in the entire school?”

“Hey, Kay, you kill anybody else?” the middle girl asked.

“What do you mean?” Kaidan asked, shifting uncomfortably in his chair.

“Well, you’re at an academy where you’re taught to kill,” the girl said earnestly.  “Abbie says it’s just a matter of time.”

“Ugh, you’re such a brat, Abbie,” Kaidan groaned.

“I need to go pray,” I said, getting up.  “I’ll see you later.  Nice meeting y’all.”

I went to the rec room, which was empty apart from Ismaeel who was praying on his mat in the middle of the room.  I went to the corner next to the television and knelt down.

In the old days before religion went defunct, Catholics had confession in church.  Dad told me.  There was a confessional, where you went and confessed your sins to the priest.  Now though, priests were pretty much dinosaurs and we tended to skip the middle man and confess directly to God.  Afterwards we said the entire rosary, just to be safe.

I crossed myself and clasped my hands in front of me.  “Bless me Father, for I have sinned,” I whispered.  “It’s been a week since my last confession.  I don’t think I have much new to confess, just the old stuff like pride and sloth.  You must get pretty bored of hearing about those two from me; I’ve been confessing them since my first holy communion when I was eight.  I try to change, but it’s really difficult.  I’ve also been swearing a lot and I’ve been taking Your name in vain.  Here at Del Sol they’re training us to kill others, which I know is a mortal sin.  I haven’t killed anyone yet, but I guess it’s just a matter of time, so I’m warning You in advance so You aren’t surprised.”  I cleared my throat.  “I’ve also been having lustful thoughts about nearly every single male around here.  I try to control it by reciting the names of the saints and stuff, but sometimes it doesn’t work.  There’s one boy in my pod that I really like, but I think he’s an atheist.  There’s nothing in the bible about going out with someone who doesn’t believe in You, but Dad said it’s a sin.”  I swallowed.  “I miss them,” I whispered.  “All of them.  I would give anything to be able to vidcom them today.  While I’m down here, God, please look after Jason.  He’s all I have left and it would break me if something happened to him.  So, that’s pretty much it from me.  I’ll say the rosary now.”

.....

The funny thing with hunger was that it didn’t affect us much as exhaustion.  After a while our bodies got accustomed to the feeling of hunger and we were able to perform all our normal tasks, albeit at a much slower pace than before.  I was usually famished until the middle of the morning; thereafter I felt nothing.  A number of people were struggling though.  Mikhail, Suang, Zac and Kyle had all passed out already from a combination of hunger and heat exhaustion, and the dorm was far quieter as people spent more time sleeping in order to make time pass by faster.  When I phoned Jason, Kaidan and Ash were the only ones still awake.

Kaidan checked on the progress of his hack whilst Mari called Jason.  “We’re through,” he said excitedly.  “Ok, it should be pretty easy from here on out.  There might be a silent alarm, yep there it is.”  He tapped the keys on the keyboard.  “And now it’s disabled.  I am the king of hacking, you should all bow to me.  Another ten minutes and I’ll have what we need.  We can use Williams’ slot to erase our footsteps.”

“Shay,” Jason said, appearing on the screen.

“Hey kid, how are you doing?” I asked.

“I’m fine,” Jason said.  “How are you?”

“Pretty good,” I said.  “Quite hungry though.  I’ll push through.”

“What happened to your face, Shay?” Jason asked, frowning.

“That is the result of me, a scary body-builder and an assholic senior,” Ash said. 

“Ha Ash,” Jason said shyly.

“Ha Shane,” Ash said grinning.  “You’re getting tall.  Is your voice changing?”

“Naw,” Jason said hurriedly.  “It’s not.”  I could hear it too though.

“It is,” I said excitedly.  “Aw, my baby brother is growing up.  It’s so adorable.”

“Who’s that?” Jason asked, flicking his eyes over to Kaidan.

“Oh, that’s Kaidan Alenko,” I said.  “Kaidan, meet my brother Jason.”

“Hey,” Kaidan said cautiously.

“Ha,” Jason said.  His face screwed up in concentration.  “Kay…en,” he said, his head jerking.

“Call him Kay, that’s what Ash and his family calls him,” I said.  “He’s helping us with…with the stuff we talked about last time.”

“Did you find anything?” Jason asked.

“Yeah, I can’t tell you about it now,” I said.

“I’m through,” Kaidan said.  “Can I use your datapad, Jane?”  I handed it to him.  “Starting download,” he said.

“Hey, listen Jason,” I said.  “I have a week’s leave next month.  Do you want to get a ticket to Cape Town?  I miss you.”

“When is your leave?” Jason asked.

“December 27 until January 3,” I said.  “I’m so excited, I feel like I’ve spent my entire life in this stupid place.”

Jason’s face fell.  “Oh, I can’t,” he said.  “I’ve got a sponsor now who saw how good I am at programming.  He’s sending me on a camp to Sur’Kesh for the whole of December.  I leave next week.”

“Oh,” I said.  “Oh, ok.  A programming camp on Sur’Kesh, huh?  That’s pretty incredible.  Who is this person who can afford something like that?”  Sur’Kesh was the salarian homeworld.  Salarians looked most like what humans thought aliens looked like in the twentieth century, with their long, thin faces, large bug-eyes and antennae on the tops of their faces.  The only difference was that their skin was pink and not green.

“I can’t tell you yet,” Jason said.  “It’s sort of top-secret at the moment, but he’s with the Alliance.  Apparently he’s going to pay my fees at the Citadel University when I’m sixteen if I do well at this camp.”

“Jason, you’re turning into a super-genius,” I said excitedly.  “I’m so proud of you, baby brother.”

“Yeah,” Jason said, sounding proud.  “I can’t do much, but programming is one of the things I’m really good at.”

“That you are kid,” I said.  “Hey, have you heard anything from Auntie Jen recently?”

“Yeah, I got an email last week,” Jason said.  “Her ship’s been posted to Skyllia.  She sounded like she was ok though.  Said she has leave coming up in January sometime.  She couldn’t say much else.”

“Hope she keeps safe,” I said.  “How’s Marvin?”

“He’s ok,” Jason said.  “Eats a lot.  I think he misses you.”

“Who’s Marvin?” Kaidan mumbled.

“Jane’s hamster,” Ash answered.  “She left him with Jason.”

“I’ll ask Lee to feed him whilst I’m away, ok?” Jason said.

“I’m done,” Kaidan said, handing me the datapad.  “I’ll clean up in Williams’ slot, you only have five minutes left.”

“Great, good work Alenko,” I said.  “Jay, I have to say good bye now, ok?”

“Yeah,” Jason said.   “Enjoy your leave, ok?  Have a milkshake for me.”

Jason had developed a taste for milkshakes during our stay in Seattle earlier that year.  “Definitely,” I said.  “And you enjoy Sur’Kesh.  Show those salarians who the king of programming is.”  Kaidan cleared his throat, which I ignored.  “Stay safe.”

“You too,” Jason said.  “I miss you, Shay.”

“I miss you too, kid,” I said.  “I’ll see you again real soon, ok?”

“Yeah,” Jason said.  “Bye.”

The screen went blank.  “Feel like a smoke?” Kaidan asked casually.

“Yeah,” I said.  “Come on, let’s go.”

..... 

We sat on the deck of the bunker and lit up.  “What did you find?” I asked Kaidan.

“Well, I have the unofficial report from the paratroopers who were sent in to do salvage on the ship,” Kaidan said.  “Unfortunately the document is heavily encrypted.  The document was coded, planted deep in the governmental secure site and then fragmented.  It’ll take a while for me to decrypt it.”

“How long?” Ash asked.

“Couple of weeks,” Kaidan said.  “I could do it in an hour if this pad could hook up to the extranet.  I would be able to use multiple hacks at the same time, but I need to go old school on this, first defrag it then decode each individual word.  It’ll take time.”

“Ok, well do what you can,” I said.  “Your family seems nice, by the way.”

Kaidan dragged on his cigarette.  “I guess they are,” he said doubtfully.  “They’ve certainly put up with me through all the shit.  My parents feel guilty about sending me off to get the implant.”

“I’m sure that’s not true,” Ash said.

“No, it is,” Kaidan said.  “That’s why, when I screw up, Mom doesn’t get mad at me, but instead says it’s her fault for selling me.  Which it was,” he added bitterly.

“What do you mean?” Ash asked.

“We were living under a bridge in the East Side,” Kaidan said.  “It was me, Abbie and Tracey, Elise hadn’t been born yet.  One day a suit comes up and tells Mom about this new biotic implant that his company wanted to test out.  He examined me and said I fit the criteria for the implant perfectly.  Said that the company would pay her ten million credits if she and Dad were willing to let them take me back to the lab to do the procedure.  Told her that the procedure was dangerous and could be fatal, but if it was a success I would be trained by them and, when the time was right, employed by them.  Mom signed the contract later that afternoon.  I was four.”

“You said she used the money to buy the apartment where you all stay now,” I said.  “Something good came of it.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Kaidan answered.  “They do a standard test for all biotics to make sure that the implant is working properly.  They put you on a balcony or platform and push you off.  A charge builds up because you’re in a stressful situation, and the implant discharges itself by manipulating the energy around you so that you don’t fall.”

“I’m not sure I understand how biotics work,” Ash admitted.

“Well, basically what the implant does is alter our nervous systems so that we are able to see energy, and then manipulate it to our wills,” Kaidan said.  “Like this.”

He clenched his fist.  “Jane, see that piece of gum on the floor?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said.  It looked like it had been there for a while.

“Throw your cigarette butt at it.”

I stubbed my cigarette out and tossed it at the piece of gum.  Instead of hitting the gum, the butt whirled around it in a large spiral.

“We call that a singularity field,” Kaidan explained, relaxing his hand.  The cigarette butt fell to the floor.  “It’s basically an energy-well, sort of like a cyclone.”

“So when you get tossed of the balcony, you’re meant to float?” I asked.

“Not unless you’ve gotten acclimatised to the implant very quickly,” Kaidan said.  “Most kids manage to slow themselves down enough so that the fall doesn’t hurt them.”

“But you had a fit instead,” I said.

“You pay attention, Jane,” Kaidan said.  “Yeah, I would have died if one of the bystanders, he was a B10 who the researchers mostly kept around to guard them against angry test subjects, hadn’t stepped in.  I broke my leg as it was.”

“Can’t imagine the researchers were too pleased,” Ash remarked.

“Nah, they were pissed as hell,” Kaidan said.  “Perhaps the only good thing that came out of their experiment with me is that I have a very good control on my biotics.  I can’t lose control and fire them off by accident.  Instead I have the fits.  At that stage I was also pretty much incapacitated by the headaches, couldn’t talk, couldn’t move.  So they called me a failed experiment and chucked me back onto the streets.”  He sighed.  “We should get back inside.  It’s nearly time for Ash’s slot.”

 .....

I was struggling to teach the others how to shoot.  “Don’t hold,” I said as the squinted at the targets.  “The longer you hold for, the more your muscles seize up and the harder it gets for you to actually shoot.”

“How are we supposed to aim if we don’t hold?” Mikhail asked in frustration.

“Your eye knows what it’s looking at,” I said.  “Trust that.  If you can build the trust between your hand and your eye, you’ll hit anything.  Back me up, McDougal.”

“What bullshit,” Cat (unsurprisingly) said.  “Learning to aim accurately takes practice, and there’s a technique.  You need to take into account wind velocity, projectile velocity and target movement.  There’s more to it than looking at the target and shooting.”

“Wow, your method sounds like it would take forever,” Zac said.

“And this is why I am the one teaching you how to shoot,” I said.  “What I want you all to do now is look at the bull’s eye on the target, then shoot.  Look for exactly one second.”  They all stared at me.  “Come on, chop-chop.  We’re needed in com soon.”

They turned and faced the targets.  “Alright, and shoot,” I said.

There were colossal bangs as everyone fired at the targets.  “Right, that’s enough,” I said when everyone had used their clip up.  “Go get your targets.”

There wasn’t much improvement.  “Shepard, your idea doesn’t work,” Cat said.  “Can we talk about calculating wind velocity now?”

“It’s a matter of training your eye,” I snapped.

“Jane’s right,” Kaidan said unexpectedly.  My head snapped up in his direction.  “I could see all energy around me after I got my implant, but it took years of practice before I could use it.  We just need to practice.”

“And you’re all getting better,” I said.  “Most of you managed to at least hit the targets.  Keep doing this.  I’m going to be doing some core exercises for fitness in the corner there.”

At the end of the hour we packed up the equipment.  “Nah, it’s impossible,” I heard Kaidan say from behind me.

“Come on, just try it for me,” Ash said.

“Try what?” I asked.

“Ash wants me to see if I can use my biotics to move a bullet across the room to a target,” Kaidan said in disgust.

“Do you think you could do that?” I asked.

“No, of course not,” Kaidan said.  “It requires great precision as well as stamina, both of which I am lacking.”

“Come on Alenko, I thought you were the most powerful human biotic or something,” I said.

“I can’t do something like that,” Kaidan said.  “I doubt any human biotic could.”

“I once watched a documentary about Jump Zero where students were taught how to take a clock apart using biotics,” Ash said.

“I reckon he just lacks confidence,” I said.  “He thinks he can’t do it.  Isn’t the Ascension Project slogan something along the lines of ‘the brain is just a muscle that needs to be strengthened?”  The Ascension Project was the company that sponsored the development of biotics.

Kaidan sighed.  “Fine, let me just show I can’t so that I can get the two of you off my back,” he said.  He opened a box of pistol bullets and picked one up.

We followed him back onto the shooting range.  “I honestly think he can’t do it,” I said as he placed the bullet carefully onto a table.  “What do you think, Ash?”

“Uh, I issued this challenge, Janey,” Ash said cautiously.

“Yeah, I know, Ash,” I said.  “I’m trying to reverse-psychology his ass so that he will perform better.  Of course it won’t work now that he knows what I’m up to.”

“You are one crazy person, Jane Shepard,” Kaidan said.

“Says the one with the defective implant,” I said.  “Oh yeah, I went there.”

“Get this woman some food, she’s not coherent,” Kaidan said. 

The rest of the class had gathered around by this stage.  “What are you doing, Alenko?” Bridget asked.

“Attempting to hit that target with this bullet,” Kaidan said.

“Wouldn’t you need a gun for that?” Ismaeel asked.

“I’m going to use biotics,” Kaidan said.

“Oh wow, can we watch?” Sven asked excitedly.

Kaidan glared at Ash and me.  “Fine,” he snapped at the others.  “Stand behind me though.  I don’t want to accidentally hit you guys.” 

We all crowded around behind him.  He raised his hand.  For a moment nothing happened, then the bullet slowly rose and started moving across the room.

“Faster,” Suang said.

“Look, who’s the biotic here, you or me?” Kaidan snapped, not looking around.

The bullet picked up speed.  It looked almost as though it was going to make it to the targets when it fell to the floor with a loud tinkle.

“Ow, my head,” Kaidan mumbled.

“Well, that was anticlimactic,” I said.  “Shall we get to com?”

Commander McDougal had a surprising announcement for us.  “So, this’ll be our last week together,” he said.  “From next week you will be meeting with Sergeant Rhys to learn in-field first-aid.  On Sunday you will be writing a test for me that is an FP, and I need you all to get a mark above seventy per cent.  I will be testing you on everything I have taught you.  Any questions?”

“I sure am going to miss him,” I mumbled to Ash in a mock drawl.

“Should we ask him to never come back?” Ash whispered back.

“Is there are problem, Miss Shepard and Miss Williams?” Commander McDougal asked.

“No sir, Shepard asked me which letter in the phonetic alphabet is an old Earth country,” Ash said quickly.

“Really, Williams?” Commander McDougal asked.  “And what did you answer?”

“It’s India, sir,” Ash said smartly.

“Well, at least you know one of the letters, Williams,” Commander McDougal said.

 .....

I had an appointment with Elizabeth after com.  I’d seen her the past two Mondays and had pretty much spent those sessions staring at my hands and not saying anything.  I was pretty surprised that Elizabeth hadn’t kicked me out of her office yet.  I would have if I was her.  Although I was not one who could fathom how the shrinky mind works.

She looked up and smiled when she saw me.  “Jane,” she said.  “I was just about to put a call out on the intercom.”

“For what?” I asked.  “I’m not late, am I?”

“No, no,” she said, smiling gaily.  “I was going to say that I don’t think you need to see me anymore.”

“I don’t?” I asked in surprise.  “Why not?”

“Well, as far as I can tell, you’re functioning well within your current circumstances,” Elizabeth said.  “There’s no reason for us to waste our time here.”

“Are you sure?” I asked.  “I’ve barely said anything to you.”

“I’ve been trained to understand that silence speaks louder than words,” Elizabeth said.

“Uh, right,” I said.  I was almost positive that my silences had not ever said anything of substance.  “So I can go?”

“Well, now that you’re here, I’m wondering if you could maybe do me a favour,” Elizabeth said.  “I’m a tutor to a group of first year social work students and I need to teach them the assessment tools: eco-map, genogram and the like.  Would you be willing to draw these with me so that I can have a practical example to show them?  I would make sure that it’s non-identifying.”

“It wouldn’t be part of therapy?” I asked.

“Of course not,” Elizabeth said.  “I’ve already said I don’t think you need therapy.”

“Yeah, alright,” I said.  “So long as nobody knows that it’s me.”

“Awesome,” Elizabeth said.  “Now where is the datapad with the timelines on it?”  She rooted around on her desk for a minute.  “Here we are,” she said, picking a datapad up.  “So, today we can do the timeline.  Basically it records all the positive and negative events in your life, from your birth until today.  It gets recorded on this.”  She showed me a straight, vertical line.  “Negative events go on the left side of the line, positive on the right.  Do you have any questions?”

“Nothing important,” I answered.  “Mostly stuff about the phonetic alphabet.”

“Well, then let’s get started,” Elizabeth said.  “What year were you born?”

“2161,” I said.  “I guess you could say that that was a bad experience for me.”

Elizabeth looked startled.  “What do you mean?” she asked.

“Well, my parents were both serving on the Hugo Grayson during my mother’s pregnancy with me and Jean, my twin,” I explained.  “Mom was never really dedicated about going for check-ups, so no one knew I was in trouble until I was born.  There was some sort of defect that caused me to be undernourished and underdeveloped.  I weighed about nine hundred grams when I was born and I’ve had…health problems ever since.”

“Nine hundred grams?” Elizabeth asked in amazement.  “That’s not much at all.”

“Nope,” I said.  “Apparently it’s a miracle I survived at all.  Then again, I guess that’s just the way it’s always been for me, the smaller one that stumps along behind everyone else and just manages to survive.”

“Hm,” Elizabeth said.  “You don’t seem to have a very high opinion of yourself.”

“No,” I said shortly.  “I don’t.”  I sighed.  “Jean and my older brother John were the perfect children. Especially Jean.  When we were two, Jean and I were told that unless we made into the marines, my father would not love us, and he spent his entire life making sure that his dream came true.  John and Jean did very well under his rule, but I was always too slow, too short, too stupid or too rebellious.”

“Rebellious?” Elizabeth asked.

“Yeah, I’ve gotten quite the reputation around here for being a smart-mouth,” I said.  “I dunno, I enjoy shooting at things, but I also like lying on my back and wishing on stars.  I don’t think that that makes me a bad soldier.  It just makes me human.”

“But you still have a low self-esteem,” Elizabeth said.

I shrugged.  “If you get told that you aren’t worth shit often enough and you’ll begin to believe it,” I said.  I ran my finger down the timeline.  “In 2164 my younger brother, Jason, was born.”

“Was this a good thing or a bad thing?” Elizabeth asked.

“It was definitely a good thing,” I said, smiling slightly.  “He’s the smartest kid you’ll ever meet.  Dad hated him.”

“Why?” Elizabeth asked.

“Well, he has cerebral palsy,” I said.  “No chance of a perfect soldier coming out there.”

“Why didn’t your parents have it cured?” Elizabeth asked.

“The doctors offered apparently, but Mom turned them down,” I explained.  “I think she wanted Jason to stay that way as a reminder to Dad.”

“That not everyone’s perfect?” Elizabeth guessed.

“Yeah,” I said.  “Something like that, I suppose.”

I described how we had learnt to shoot when we were five and had started karate when we were six.  I skirted the gymnastics issue.  “The happiest time of my life was when I was eight,” I said.

“What happened when you were eight?” Elizabeth asked.

“Mom was stationed as a shuttle pilot to Ciro space station in the Exodus Cluster,” I said.  “She had to transport miners and scientists to and from X15 asteroid where they were mining eezo to be used in starship drive cores.  She wanted to take all of us with to the posting, but Dad refused to give Jean and John up, so Mom took Jason and me with.”

“Must have been quite hurtful, the fact that your father was always choosing Jean and John over you,” Elizabeth remarked.

I shrugged.  “The man had a screw loose,” I said.  “Everyone in the family’s initials has always been J.T.  He can’t have come from sane stock.  Anyway, I didn’t really mind.  I enjoyed being on Ciro.  It was the first time I got to interact with kids my age that weren’t related to me and I didn’t have to keep a ridiculous training plan.  I made friends.  I spent a lot of time reading and learning to speak krogan.  Mom promised to get me enrolled into CLP, but I guess she just didn’t have time for it.”

“How long did you live on Ciro?” Elizabeth asked.

“About two years,” I said.  “When I was ten, Mom asked to be posted back to the Hugo Grayson.  Said she missed John and Jean and needed to see their faces again.  So we packed everything up, said goodbye to everyone on Ciro and boarded the Hugo Grayson.”

“Was it a good or a bad thing that you left Ciro?” Elizabeth asked.

“Depends on your perspective,” I said.  “It was good to see my brother and sister again, but at the time I kind of wished we had never left.”

“Ciro?” Elizabeth asked.

“Uh uh,” I said.  “The Hugo Grayson.  I was two years behind in my training for super soldierdom and Dad worked me harder than ever.  Looking back though, I know it’s a good thing we went to Ciro, and it’s also a good thing we went back.”  She raised her eyebrows.  “When I was twelve, Commander Pieterse’s daughter came to live with him aboard the Hugo Grayson.  Ash.”  I looked at the clock behind her.  “My time’s up,” I said.

Elizabeth looked at the clock.  “Ah, so it is,” she said.  “Well, thanks a lot, Jane, this will be a great help.  We can finish it off next week.”

“Ok,” I said.  “Good thing you aren’t counselling me anymore, else you’d have to sift through all the crap I’m telling you.”

Elizabeth hesitated.  “Yeah,” she said.  “It’s a good thing.  I’ll see you next week Jane.”

 .....

I found Pod 3 in the gymnasium, busy working the weights.  “Come on you assholes,” Kaidan was shouting.  “If you can’t bench-press these weights, there’s no way you can do the duck-‘n-cover.  Oh hey there Jane.”

“When did you become a drill sergeant, Kaidan?” I asked.

“I’m struggling with this lot, Jane,” Kaidan groaned.  “They just don’t seem motivated to work, so I thought to myself: ‘what would Anderson do to get this lot motivated to work’.  Based on past experience, I guessed he would probably insult them a lot, so now I’m trying that out.”

“I think we’re all just tired,” I said.  “We’ve been here two months now with no break.”

“There are no excuses in the army,” Kaidan mumbled.  “Come on, Jones, those better be tears of joy,” he shouted.

“Well, I should probably join in,” I said.

“Be my guest,” Kaidan said.  “Oh, by the way, Jane, I’ve almost cracked the unofficial report.  Should be done by Friday.  There’s a vid of the para’s salvage report attached that’s taking a while, but I think I’ve found the right algorithm.”

“Good work,” I said.

I went over to the bench next to Ash.  “Hey Janey,” Ash panted.  “Kaidan’s turned into a sadist.”

“I think he’s just venerating his hero, Commander David Anderson,” I said, adjusting the weights to a more realistic level.

“Well, I wish he wouldn’t,” Bridget, who was on my other side said.  “He’s depressing me.”

“So, how was Elizabeth?” Ash asked.

“Good,” I said.  “She said there’s nothing wrong with me, so now I’m helping her construct exemplars for her students.”

“I had no idea she has students,” Ash said.

“She said there’s nothing wrong with you, Shep?” Bridget asked in amazement.

“Fuck off,” I mumbled, lying down on the bench and grasping the bar.  “Oh, Ash we need to talk about what we’re going to do over December week now that Jason can’t join us.”

“Cape Town,” Ash said.

“How?” I asked.  “We can’t book anything apart from a shuttle flight from here.  Besides, I can’t afford it.”

“I can,” Ash said. 

“Ash, I’m not taking your retirement fund,” I said.  I started pushing the weight up.

“I don’t mind,” Ash said.

“I do,” I groaned.  “Ugh I’ve always hated pushing weights.  One false move and I’m crushed under these things.”

“You could come stay with me and my girlfriend in Seattle,” Bridget suggested.

We both turned to stare at her.  “You have your own flat?” Ash asked cautiously.

“Yes,” Bridget said.  “Mathilda’s step-father owns a stake in Nevos.”

I whistled.  Nevos was the French colony and was humanity’s main source of diamonds.  “The dude must be rich,” I said.

“Are you kidding?” Bridget asked.  “He’s loaded.  Anyway, Tilda’s real dad owns a business on Bekenstein where I grew up, and she was visiting him one summer when we met.  I was fourteen, she was thirteen.  I fell in love with her, she fell in love with me.  She went back to Nevos and begged her mom to let her move to Bekenstein.  She wouldn’t, so Tilda bought herself a flat in Seattle in her step-father’s name and had me flown there to live with her.”

“Wow,” Ash said.  “She seems like a colourful person.”

“She’s as dramatic as fuck,” Bridget said smiling fondly.  “Anyway, the point is there’s a spare bedroom in the flat and we’d love to have you along.”

“Why us?” I asked.  “I mean, no offence, but Ash and I aren’t exactly the best people around here.  I’m rude and Ash tends to boss me around.”

“I don’t,” Ash said.  “By the way, you’ll hurt your neck if you press like that.”  I glared at her.  “I’m joking,” she said hastily.

“Yeah, you two aren’t the nicest people in the galaxy, but I don’t really like nice people,” Bridget said.  “They annoy me and are too busy being nice to actually make a difference.  You’re interesting though.  You’re both honest, and you’re tough and you’re team players.  That’s what I like to see in people.  Tilda would like you guys too, I know she would.”

“What do you think, Ash?” I asked.

She grinned.  “I think it sounds like fun,” she said.

“Awesome,” Bridget said.  “I’ll tell Tilda next com Sunday.”

..... 

Training was cancelled on Saturday owing to the fact that it was Freedom Day.  Freedom Day was a bit of ironical name, as it was the day that Earth was declared uninhabitable and the evacuations began.  There were the pessimists and nay-sayers that thought that deep space travel was dangerous and the root to our problems, which meant that Freedom Day should not be celebrated.  The real irony there was the fact that most of these nay-sayers lived in a group of star-clusters known as the Terminus Systems and engaged frequently and liberally in space travel.

Anyway, on Freedom Day I planned to sleep in late as I didn’t have to be anywhere in particular apart from a particularly strange brand of cricket in which every recruit was ordered to take part, which was why I was rather pissed off when Kaidan woke me up at half past five.

“What is it, Alenko?” I hissed.  “I don’t have to be anywhere in particular today apart from that particularly strange brand of cricket that every recruit has been ordered to take part in.”

“I’ve cracked the unofficial report,” he whispered.

I was suddenly wide awake.  “Get Ash up,” I said softly, hopping out of bed and pulling my clothes on.

“We need to go somewhere where we can’t be overheard,” Kaidan said softly as Ash dressed.  “This is really big.”

“The compound has surveillance everywhere,” I whispered.

Kaidan shook his head.  “I know a place where there are no cameras,” he said.  “Follow me.”

He led us outside.  “You know we’re breaking regs?” Ash asked.

“Not technically,” I said.  “No one is allowed outside their pod building during lights out which is from midnight until four unless it is a long week.  It’s quarter to six.”

“A fair point,” Ash said.  “Where are we going, Kaidan?”

“A place I found one day when I was exploring,” he said.  “Last com Sunday I hacked into the surveillance feeds and saw that they don’t have it covered.  Probably don’t expect any recruits to find it.”

“What is it?” I asked.

“Dunno,” Kaidan said.  “You’ll see.”

He led us to a small building behind the Annex.  “I was trying to find someplace private,” he explained, going up to the door.  “And I found this.”

“There’s a keypad, Kaidan,” Ash pointed out.

“Key in 2073947651095,” Kaidan said.

“Ok,” Ash said doubtfully, keying the code in.  The door swung silently open.

“What the hell, Kaidan?” I asked in amazement.  “Whose code is that?”

“Admiral Greyling,” Kaidan said proudly.  “I may not be good at adding numbers, but I’m good at remembering them.  I was on my way to the admin office last assessment week and he was walking ahead of me.  He keyed me in.”

“That was nice of him,” I said cautiously.

“Go on in,” Kaidan said, standing aside. 

Inside the building were high shelves filled with large boxes.  “Are those made of cardboard?” I asked in wonder.

“Yeah, I think so,” Kaidan said.  “Take a look inside.”

Ash opened one of the boxes.  “Wow,” she whispered.

“What is it?” I asked.

“Paper,” Ash said.  “Lots of paper.”

I looked over her shoulder and picked one of the sheets up.  The paper was a lot smoother than I’d expected.  “It’s yellow,” I said.  “I thought paper was white.”

“Paper goes yellow as it ages,” Ash said knowledgably.  She’d finished school, of course she’d know something like that

I read the date on the paper.  “September, 1940,” I said.  “This is an old field report from the Second World War.”

“There’s stuff from the 1800s here,” Kaidan said.  “I guess it’s some sort of archive or something.  Oh and check this out.”  He led us to the other end of the room, where a strange box with a screen and keyboard stood.

“What the hell is that?” Ash asked.

“It’s an old Dell computer from the early twenty first century,” Kaidan said.

“Our forefathers used to work on a crappy thing like that?” I asked.  “Look at the size of that screen, what were they designed for, blind people?”

Kaidan shrugged.  “Dunno,” he said.  “I wonder what it’s here for though.  And all these papers.”

“It’s an empty room,” Ash said in wonder.

Kaidan and I both stared at her.  “Um, Ash, it’s full of boxes of paper,” I said cautiously.  “That’s a twenty first century computer.”

“No, a metaphorically empty room,” Ash said impatiently. 

“I thought those were urban myths,” I said.

“What’s a metaphorically empty room?” Kaidan asked in frustration.

“A metaphorically empty room Kaidan, is where a room is metaphorically empty,” I said.  “Sort of like the pie in the sky.”

“What the fuck is she talking about?” Kaidan asked Ash.

“Don’t pay any attention to her,” Ash said.  “An empty room is a room where big brother can’t watch you.”

She was only half joking.  Science fiction from the twentieth century had been alarmingly accurate.  We didn’t have androids running around, shooting humans because their best before date was expiring, or Jedi knights (technically not from the future, but since we were living in an age of aliens, I thought the metaphor counted), or even alien babies bursting out of people’s stomachs.  We did have a governmental department, the Department of Human Affairs, that took its name rather literally.  The Department of Human Affairs (or big brother, as most of us called it, after the book and the movie) tracked every human in Council Space through identity codes, DNA samples, voice prints and finger prints.  Big brother knew what you were doing, who you were doing and where you were doing it, and it made sure that every human knew this too.  They weren’t nearly as dramatic as George Orwell had predicted, but people were occasionally publicly tried and executed, just to remind us that, despite our so-called freedom, we were still controlled by the Alliance.

“Are you serious?” Kaidan asked incredulously.  “There are places like this, with no surveillance, on purpose?”

“Empty rooms?” Ash asked.  “Yeah.  Every warship has one, usually the commander’s cabin, and every major Alliance building.”

“Why?” Kaidan asked.

“For deniability,” I said.  “You want to make a crappy decision, go into the empty room and make it there.  If it fucks up, it never happened because there’s no proof.  You know that every soldier’s armour is equipped with at least three minicams.  All except the high up officers, the commanders, the generals, the admirals.”

“I did not know that,” Kaidan said.  “So, do you guys want to hear this damn thing or not?”

“You fell off the ball, Kaidan,” I said.  “You said you’d be done by yesterday.”

“Where were you yesterday anyway?” Ash asked.  “I didn’t see you the whole day.”

“Looking for the A 18 protocols for Canning,” Kaidan said, sounding somewhat sulky.  I hid a snort behind a cough.

“What are the A 18 protocols?” Ash asked curiously.

“A pain in the ass,” Kaidan said.  “They are also classified.”  He pulled my datapad out of his BOL and offered it to Ash.  “Ladies first,” he said. 

Ash hesitated, then took the datapad.  A dent appeared between her eyes as she read, which became more pronounced the further down the pad her eyes travelled.

“I don’t understand,” she mumbled.  “It doesn’t make sense.”

“I know, right?” Kaidan said.  “It leaves more questions than answers.”

“What does it say?” I asked impatiently.

“See for yourself,” Ash said, handing the datapad to me.

This report was far longer than the official report.  It had been written by the paratrooper commanding officer on the scene.  “’At 0800 hours a passing starship, The Galactica, reported seeing a downed warship on the surface of Akresh in the Aralakh system,’” it read.  “’Paratroopers off of the colony Akuze were sent to investigate.  They landed on Akresh at approximately 1400 and immediately discovered the warship.  Its hull did not appear to be breached and, apart from the fact that the engines were offline, there seemed to be nothing wrong with the ship.  The airlocks had not been broken, and we therefore deduced that the crew was still aboard.  After attempting to raise someone on the coms, we broke one of the airlocks in the engineering centre and boarded the ship.  There was no sign of the crew or any sign of a struggle.  After a careful examination of the ship’s command logs, Tech Specialist Moliner learned that the ship had originally been posted to Rinva to deal with unusual krogan activity, but that, once in the system, the orders had been overridden by a member of Alliance command and the ship was instead ordered to Akresh.  The military code of the person who did this was scrubbed from the ship’s system, and it is unclear exactly who did this.  Once on Akresh, someone aweigh overrode compartment control and had the ship vented.  Again, it is unclear who was responsible for this.  At this time, the entire crew, as well as XO Shepard’s two older children were aboard.  The airlocks were then broken, again by someone aweigh who had compartment control, the bodies most likely removed, and the airlocks were re-sealed.  Vids taken off of the ship’s surveillances cut out after the ship was vented and did not show whoever took the bodies away.  No non-human biological residue was found on or around the ship, and my team scanned the entire ship and found no sign of the crew or anything else unusual.’”

I read the report again, just to make sure that I understood what was written.  “I don’t understand,” I mumbled.  “How did this happen?”

“I know,” Kaidan said.  “I’ve never seen anything like this, and I’ve seen a lot.”

“They say there are vids with this report,” Ash said.  “Did you get them?”

“Yeah, I got three,” Kaidan said.  “One was taken by one of the paras on the scene.  The other two were taken off the ship’s surveillance, one in the CIC, whatever the hell that is, and one in the engine room.  Do you want to see it?”

“I don’t know,” Ash mumbled.  I wasn’t too keen to see my family’s deaths either.

“Well, I had to manually reconstruct the vids, the programming on the datapad is shit,” Kaidan said.  “The quality’s not so great.  I don’t know anything about ships, but you guys might see something that shouldn’t be there.”

“Yeah,” I said in a voice unlike my own.  “Maybe we should see it.”

“Which one?” Kaidan asked.

Jean and John would probably have been in their seats in the engine room.  Dad would have been in the CIC with Ash’s father, and Mom would have been on the bridge.

“I don’t know, you choose,” I said.

“Alright, the engine room then,” Kaidan said, sounding almost cheerful.

He opened the vid.  The quality was bad, but it showed a frontal view of the crew seats in the engine room.  In the front row sat Jean and John, with their heads bent together.  Behind them, sat Pedro, talking to Engineer Kramer.  Ash’s hand clamped around my wrist.

“Is there no sound?” I asked quietly. 

“You didn’t have the right programs to reconstruct it,” Kaidan said.  “Watch though.”

A few seconds later, the crew looked up as though they had heard something.  Chief Engineer Hadrian said something tersely, but the others still looked concerned.  Then suddenly Engineer Gail collapsed against her seat belt.  Blood spewed out of her mouth.  There was instant panic as the other engineers unclamped their seat belts and floated away.  I closed my eyes then.  I couldn’t watch my twin and brother die.  Ash buried her face in my neck.

“Are you guys ok?” Kaidan asked in concern.

I wiped at my eyes.  “We just saw people we grew up with die,” I said.  “What do you think?”

Kaidan frowned unhappily.  “Oh, yeah,” he said.  “I guess that would make you unhappy.”

“What do you mean ‘I guess’?” I asked angrily.  “How would you feel if I showed you a vid of your mom dying?”

“I don’t know,” Kaidan said.  “I’ve never thought about it.”

I opened my mouth, but Ash touched my arm.  “It’s alright Janey,” she said.  “I understand, Kaidan.  You don’t tend to think about these things.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan said.  “I don’t.  Did you see anything unusual?”

“No, not really,” Ash said.  “Good work though, we’ll think of what our next step is.”

“Sure,” Kaidan said.  “Ok, we should get back to the bunker.”

“You go on ahead,” Ash said.  “We just need a few moments to gather ourselves.”

“Alright,” Kaidan said.  “See you guys later.”

Ash waited until the door had shut behind Kaidan before levelling a glare at me.  “What?” I snapped.  “He was being insensitive.”

“Jane,” Ash sighed. 

“Ash, don’t ‘Jane’ me,” I said, exasperated.  “He was being an ass and you know it.”

“Ja, he was being an ass,” Ash said.  “But it wasn’t his fault.”

“What the hell do you mean it wasn’t his fault?” I asked in amazement.  “Did the rachni come back to life and mind control him into being a dick?”  The rachni were an alien species that had gone extinct a thousand years before humanity entered the galactic community.  A huge war had been fought to get rid of them, because apparently they went crazy and started mind-controlling everything in sight.

“If you don’t know I’m not going to tell you,” Ash said.  “It’s Kaidan’s business.”

“Ash, for Christ’s sake, you’re making me want to punch you,” I said.

“Janey, you know that Kaidan has issues,” Ash said.  “Just leave it at that.”

“You mean on top of being sold by his mother and having a faulty implant?” I asked.

“Exactly,” Ash said.  “Just-just drop it for now, ok?”

I levelled a glare at her.  “Fine,” I snapped.  “I’ll drop it.”


	9. Chapter eight: December to January: marksmanship and December week

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new fitness instructor starts at Del Sol with an unusual approach to teaching. Jane and Ash spend December week in Seattle with Bridget, and Jane makes a new friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As with Kasuumi, Zaeed Masaad is based Zaeed Masani, but very loosely. I think about the only thing they have in common is that they both only have one working eye. Trigger warning for references to child abuse. Also, this is another long-ass chapter, full of South Africanisms. If you guys want a lexicon, I am more than happy to post one, but I left it as is, because Jane doesn't understand them either (and she's the narrator).

The Sunday before our assessment week we spent all our free time on the shooting range.  We were all doing well in the other areas.  Everyone was managing to complete the obstacle course in under five minutes, our hand-to-hand combat was excellent, we could do distance recon from nearly fifty metres away, but for some reason people were still struggling to hit targets.  The only people who were actually doing well were Kaidan, Cat and Ismaeel.  I knew the rest of the pod had good aim because I had decided to train them using tennis balls, but for some reason, when they had a gun in their hands, they could not shoot straight if their lives depended on it (which, unfortunately, one day it most likely would).

Just before lunch time I called a halt.  “Look guys, what’s going on here?” I asked.  “I know you have good aim, you’ve learned to trust your eye to know what it’s aiming at, yet you’re still struggling to hit the targets.”

There was an awkward silence, then Zac said in a small voice, “Why do we need to shoot?”

I stared at him gormlessly for a few moments, not sure if I understood the question.  “Er, because this is the army and we need to know how to shoot things?” I asked.  Zac nodded.  “Oh,” I said, suddenly understanding.  “I see.  You’re worried about when those targets become actually living things that we need to shoot.”

“Yeah, in a way,” Mikhail said.

“I’m not,” Sven said.  “I just forget which target I’m meant to be shooting at.”

“Ok,” I said, ignoring him.  “Do you guys remember my DP?”

“How could I forget?” Suang asked, rubbing his upper arm.

“Well, the lesson we were all supposed to learn from that is that when we are told to do something in the army, that order comes down a chain of command,” I said.  “We’re supposed to follow that order without question, and we are not supposed to feel guilty about it, because we weren’t actually the ones who killed that person.  We were just the tool.”

“Do you honestly believe that, Jane?” Ash asked.

“No,” I said.  “Of course not.  Tools don’t have emotions.  Tools don’t have a conscience.  But I do believe that if the choice between my squad’s life and death lies in me killing someone, I will pull that trigger.  Do you guys understand?”

They nodded.  “Alright,” I said.  “Now when you shoot at the target, pretend you’re defending someone you love: your friend, your partner, your mom.  Go on.”

By the end of the day, nearly everyone was hitting the targets close to the centre.

..... 

I was quite excited when I woke up the next day.  I had practiced hard at my regimen and could do everything well.  I had made a vow to myself that I would be polite to the seniors and the staff so that I could not be put on a charge.  I would smile at them, even if they insulted me.

I showered (uneventful apart from Giovanni pushing me into the shower so that my towel and underclothes got wet), rushed back to the dorm and dressed.  Bridget looked at me.  “Are you high?” she asked.

“On life,” I said.  “Today I’m going to be nice to everyone.”

“Yeah right,” Ismaeel said.  “You’re never nice.”

“On the contrary, my lovely Afghan friend, I can be nice on occasion,” I said.  “It’s rare though, like seeing a comet from Earth.”

“You can’t see any stars from Earth,” Pierre said.  “You can barely see the sun from Earth.”

“Tells you how rare it is to see me nice,” I said.  I scurried off to the senior dorm to make Nina’s bed, ducking underneath the boot Giovanni threw at my head.

“Thank you, sir,” I cried.

“You’re awfully chipper today, Shepard,” Nina remarked boredly as I made her bed, whistling all the while.

“Yes ma’am, I am,” I said.

“Have you taken any drugs?” Nina asked.  “Red sand for example?”

“Red sand is illegal,” I said.  “I’m excited for this week.”

“I’m not,” Nina mumbled.  “We’re getting taught suicide missions this week.  It’s perhaps the worst thing to teach me.”

“How come?” I asked.

“I was suicidal as a young teenager,” Nina said.  “I’m scared this may bring back memories.”

“Oh,” I said.  “Um, that sucks.”

“Yeah, no kidding,” Nina mumbled.  “Anyway, I’m scared this might make me, you know, pick up my old tendencies.”

“Don’t you get to volunteer for suicide squads?” I asked cautiously.

“Yeah, and you need to be N7 to be the CO of a suicide squad,” Nina said.

“Sounds like a lot of effort just to kill yourself,” I said.  “Wouldn’t it be simpler just to, I dunno, break into the armoury and steal a gun?”  Nina levelled a glare at me. “Ma’am,” I added hastily.

“You’re an idiot, Shepard,” Nina snapped.

“Yes ma’am,” I said.  I hopped off the bed.  “Enjoy suicide squad.  I thought you were excited for it earlier this year.”

“I was,” Nina said.  “Until I started seeing that shrink.”

“She says I’m normal,” I said in a superior tone.

“Yeah, maybe she shouldn’t graduate college if that’s her professional opinion,” Nina said.  “I was joking about the suicide squads by the way, I am looking forward to them.”

“Yeah, I figured,” I said.

“Get lost Shepard, you’re a moron.”

“Aye aye ma’am,” I said.

At breakfast I was given an extra-large serving of porridge.  “This isn’t a mistake, is it?” I asked cautiously.  The catering corps shook her head.  There went my good mood.

I went and sat between Kaidan and Ash.  “Hey,” Ash said dolefully, glaring down at her food.

“Know what this means, huh?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she mumbled.

“This is so unfair,” Kaidan said angrily.  “We’re being assessed this week for the last time before December week.  They cannot do this to us.”

“Well, it looks like they can,” I said.  “At least we’ll have plenty of time to practice.”

“I wish I could have your optimism, Jane,” Ash said.  “So, how do you reckon Brawny the Robot will assess us today?”

“Hand-to-hand combat?” I asked.  “Dunno.  I guess we’ll find out.”

.....

Commander McDougal had been replaced by a young, incredibly fit-looking sergeant called Sergeant Rhys, who was teaching us battlefield surgery.  We had done the basics of resuscitation, and had now moved on to broken bones.  The creepiest part of the whole deal was that we were given real cadavers to work with that had been donated by the families of soldiers who had been killed in action.  Each day the cadavers arrived from the compound morgue with a fresh broken bone that we had to learn to set and then bind.  After initial squeamishness, we all got used to the smell of formaldehyde and the fake-skin feel of our dead bodies. 

“Hello Judy,” I said to my cadaver.  We weren’t ever told their real names, so we made up names for them.  Judy appeared to have half her collarbone sticking out of her chest.  “That looks painful,” I mumbled.

“Good morning grunts,” Sergeant Rhys said.

“Good morning sergeant,” we said.

“Now, let’s get cracking,” Sergeant Rhys said.  “You will notice that your cadavers are all suffering from broken clavicles with the bone protruding.  This is a very common injury, particularly among artillery units and marines.  Observe.”  He put the projector on, which showed a short vid about a marine frontline barrier that was blown up.  One of the marines fell off the barrier, landing hard on the edge of the box.  When he got up, he had an injury that was very similar to Judy’s own injury.  We all winced.

“You marines get blown up, you land badly because your trainers don’t teach you how to land when you get blown up and you get up with half your collarbone sticking out of your chest,” Sergeant Rhys continued when the vid was finished.  He was very proudly a member of the artillery corps.  “Now, who can tell me what the first step would be in treating this?”

“Clean the wound,” Edwards from Pod 4 said.

“Clean the wound, girl?” Sergeant Rhys asked in shock.  “Are you thick?  Don’t you think that the soldier will be in agony?  Try numbing the wound first.”

“Sorry sergeant,” Edwards said.

“I need two volunteers,” Sergeant Rhys said.  He was a big fan of role play.  The role play could occasionally be a little humiliating, for example when he had two Pod 6 boys demonstrating mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.  We all ducked our heads.  “Hm,” Sergeant Rhys said, striding up the row towards where Kaidan, Ash and I stood.  I pretended to be interested in Judy’s hospital gown.

“How about you two?” Sergeant Rhys asked.  “Come on, Asian Blue-Eyes and B12 Implant, up you come.”

I glanced at Kaidan, who grimaced at me.  We walked slowly to the front of the room.  “Right, names?” Sergeant Rhys asked.

“Shepard,” I said.

“Alenko,” Kaidan muttered under his breath.

“Alright, then Shepard, you be the victim,” Sergeant Rhys said.  “Lie down please.”

I obediently lay down.  “Come on girl, you can be a better victim than that,” Sergeant Rhys said exuberantly.  “How about a little groan to show that you’re in pain.”

“I don’t really make a lot of noise when I’m in pain, sergeant,” I said unwillingly.  “I sort of go all silent.”

“Alright, have it your way Shepard,” Sergeant Rhys said.  “Alenko, you are Shepard’s field partner and she has been blown off of the barricade.  Her clavicle is protruding from her chest and she is going into shock.  The nearest medic is two miles away, and if you don’t treat Shepard now, she will pass out.  What do you do?”

“Take her jacket off to assess the wound,” Kaidan said promptly.

“Exactly, good work,” Sergeant Rhys said.  “Now do it.”

“Hold on one second,” I said, sitting up and trying not to blush at the idea of Kaidan removing my clothing.  “When I’m in battle I’m going to be wearing my armour, not my utilities.  The armour is pretty stable, wouldn’t it be better to just leave everything the way it is?”

“Not if you want to avoid infection and bleeding to death,” Sergeant Rhys said.  “Admiral Greyling will teach you about putting your armour on and taking it off again.  I’m here to tell you how to treat the wound once you have the armour off.  Lie down again.”

I lay down again.  Kaidan hesitated and started unbuttoning my jacket.  I’d never been this close to him before and I couldn’t help but notice the small line of sweat on his upper lip, and the warm brown of his eyes.  I closed my eyes again.

He gently pulled me against himself as he pulled my jacket off of me and I was made aware of his scent, sweat and smoke and something slightly bitter, like nuts.  I felt myself blush as I imagined a number of highly inappropriate things.

“Jacket’s off sergeant,” Kaidan said, his voice sounding slightly strained.

“Keep her awake, Alenko,” Sergeant Rhys said.

“Yes sergeant,” Kaidan said.  “Um, stay with me Shepard.  Open your eyes and watch my lips.”

I opened my eyes and watched his lips, which were a nice shape: not too full, but at the same time not too thin.  Sweet Jesus, I was turning into a real perv. 

“Now what, Alenko?” Sergeant Rhys asked.

“I numb the wound,” Kaidan said.  He turned to me.  “Um, do you take any chronic medication?”

I nodded weakly.  “I take leukotriene and SABA for hay fever and antihistamines for my allergies.  Oh and the contraceptive pill for the prevention of zygotes.”

“Is that the truth, Shepard?” Sergeant Rhys asked.

“Yes sergeant,” I said.

“In that case, Alenko, you cannot give Shepard the pain medication as it will react with the leukotriene and lead to an inflamed airway and, nine times out of ten, to death,” Sergeant Rhys said.  “She will have to carry around her own special sedative.  For the purpose of this demonstration, give her the medication.”

Kaidan pretended to stab a syringe into my collarbone.  “So, what does that mean for me if I lose my BOL in the field?” I asked, as Kaidan counted to one hundred for the medication to kick in.

“It means that you’ll have all these procedures done without pain medication,” Sergeant Rhys said.  “How high is your pain threshold?”

“Pretty high,” I said.

“Yes, well, I’d have thought so, since you’ve already been shot once,” Sergeant Rhys said.

“I beg your pardon?” I asked.

He pointed his chin at the scar on my upper left arm.  “I know a gunshot wound when I see one,” he said.  “What happened?”

“I got in the way on the shooting range,” I said, shifting uncomfortably.  “It was an accident.”

“If you say so,” Sergeant Rhys said.  “Come on, Alenko, how long does it take you to count to one hundred?”

“Ninety eight,” Kaidan said out loud.  “Ninety nine.  One hundred.”

“Good work,” Sergeant Rhys said.  “Now, you’ll be using your knife to make an incision on either end of the wound.”

“Um,” Kaidan said.

Sergeant Rhys measured along my collar bone with his fingers.  “Here and here, Alenko,” he said.

Kaidan pretended to cut his pocket-knife along my collarbone.  I suppressed a shiver.  “Uh huh,” Sergeant Rhys said.  “Are you all paying attention to what Alenko’s doing?”

“What, touching Shepard’s boob?” Sven asked loudly.

“Yes Frankenbeans, this is a class on how to make soft porn,” Sergeant Rhys said irritably.  “Give me twenty for being the thickest individual to walk our proud home-world.”

“Aye aye, sergeant,” Sven said proudly, dropping down next to his gurney.

“Right, Alenko, I want you to place your thumbs on the protruding piece of bone, and press down and to the side,” Sergeant Rhys said.  “If you know what you’re doing, the bone will slide into place under the skin.”

Kaidan pulled a face, but mimed placing his thumbs on either side of my protruding clavicle.  “For Narnia,” he shouted, pressing his thumbs down against my chest.  I felt like I was about to catch fire.

The class erupted into laughter.  “What was that Alenko?” Sergeant Rhys asked quietly.  “Is this a joke to you?”

“Well-,” Kaidan began.  He rubbed his forehead and winced.  “Well, I-yes sergeant, a bit.”

There was an intake of breath from the class.  “And what is funny about this?” Sergeant Rhys nearly whispered.

“Well, the whole miming thing,” Kaidan said.  “Makes it hard to take seriously.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way, Alenko,” Sergeant Rhys said.  “I really am.  Or I would be if I gave a flying fuck what you thought.  Give me fifty please for being a pain in the arse.”

“Aye aye, sergeant,” Kaidan said, and dropped down for fifty.

..... 

“I’m not a pain in the ass, am I?” Kaidan asked as we left for fitness.

“Well-,” Ash began.

“Um-,” I said.

“You see-,” Ash said.

“It’s like this-,” I said.

“Oh come on guys, stop fucking with me,” Kaidan said.  “You can tell me straight.”

“You tend to be quite judgemental,” Ash said.  “It can be quite annoying.”

“Ok, I’m judgemental,” Kaidan said.  “Anything else?”

“You act without judging the potential consequences,” I said.  “You could get people into trouble, which could be potentially annoying.”

“Ok, I’m judgemental and I’m irresponsible,” Kaidan said.  “Christ, you lot sound like my court-appointed shrink or something.  Anything else?”

“Why does it matter to you?” I asked. 

“If I know the problem, I can change it,” Kaidan said.

“Why though?” I asked.  “I’m a smart ass, you don’t see me trying to change.”

“No one asked you, Jane,” Kaidan sighed.  “Come on, Anderson will make us do push-ups if we are late.”

We ran to the gym, making it just in time.  It wasn’t Anderson who was waiting for us though.  “Holy shit,” Kaidan whispered.  “Is that-?”

“Skye Jupiter,” Ash finished in an undertone.  “What the hell is he doing here?”

The war with the batarians was not going well.  They had taken control of most of Skyllia were selling the citizens off into slavery or worse.  There had, to date and according to the news reports (which were never accurate), only been one major victory for the humans.  A young second lieutenant in the marines had been tasked to retake Skyllia’s capital town, Montenegro, long enough for the Alliance soldiers and councillors to be evacuated.  That lieutenant had been Skye Jupiter, aged twenty six years old.

“They say that it was only him and one corporal left standing by the time they were extracted,” Zac whispered softly.  For some reason everyone was staring silently at Lieutenant Jupiter.

“Apparently his holding of Montenegro was daring, to say the least,” Mikhail was heard whispering to Bridget.

Lieutenant Jupiter was a lot smaller than I had expected, perhaps the same height as Ash, and of a strangely slim build.  He was impossibly pale, with close-cropped blonde hair, dark green eyes and fine features.

“Good morning, grunts,” he said.  “My name is Lieutenant Skye Jupiter, and I will be taking you for fitness this week.”

“Where is Commander Anderson?” I blurted out before I could stop myself.

“Commander Anderson’s ship has been deployed somewhere in the Attican Traverse until January,” Lieutenant Jupiter said.  “As you are no doubt aware, there is a war on, Miss…?” he looked questioningly at me.

“Shepard, sir,” I said.  “And yes, I am aware that there is a war on, my aunt is fighting in it.”

“Smart arse, huh?” Lieutenant Jupiter asked, eyeing me.

“Yes sir, but I’m alright with it,” I said.  He opened his mouth, and I dropped down.  “I’ll just give you fifty, shall I?” I asked.

“Have you had a DP yet girl?” he asked when I had finished.

“Yes sir,” I answered.  “For disobeying a direct order from a commanding officer.”

“Well, clearly the lesson has not been learned yet,” Lieutenant Jupiter said coldly.  “I suggest you have a twelve hour stand-to, tomorrow from midday to midnight.”

My hands started trembling.  “On what grounds, sir?” I asked mildly.

“Because I damned well say so,” Lieutenant Jupiter snapped, turning away from me.

“Lieutenant Jupiter,” I said loudly.  “Under the Seattle convention of 2080, section ten by-law five, any Alliance soldier has the right to know the grounds of the charges laid against him.  As a human, born by those who came from our homeworld Earth, in the Sol System, and as a soldier serving the Human Alliance, I demand to know the grounds of the charges laid against me.”

Lieutenant Jupiter looked sort of surprised.  I was surprised too, I didn’t know I had such a pretentious streak in me.  “For disrespecting a commanding officer,” he said at last.  As far as I knew I had not been all that disrespectful, but I decided not to push my luck.

“Thank you sir,” I said, saluting.

“Now that the class has been thoroughly disrupted, perhaps we can begin our assessment,” Lieutenant Jupiter said.  “According to Commander Anderson, you are being assessed on your speed and skill in completing the obstacle course.  By now you all know the scores I can give you, so Mr Abrahams, will you start us off.”

“What is this dude’s deal?” Kaidan whispered as the Pod 4 boy started under the barbed wire.

“I dunno,” I said quietly.  “I thought he was some hero.  He was fully committed to completing the mission, no matter the costs.  That takes a special kind of bravery.”

“I thought that would take a special kind of psycho,” Ash whispered. 

“Nah,” I said.  “You have to live with it every day, the fact that all the people you were in charge of died.  You weren’t quite good enough to save them.  They’ll haunt your dreams, your waking thoughts, everything.”

“People die in war, Jane,” Kaidan said.

“Yeah,” I said.  “Doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck for the survivors.”

People were performing really badly today, perhaps because they had gotten used to Commander Anderson’s style.  Lieutenant Jupiter was actually pretty creepy.  He was completely silent and just stared at us as we did the obstacle course, his green eyes narrowed to slits.  We had to do the obstacle course twice, and our mark was calculated from the lowest mark, the Alliance preferring to err on the side of caution.  The first time I did it, I did pretty well.  I panicked slightly in the tunnel, but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle.  As I was about to start the second time though, Lieutenant Jupiter came up to me.  “It’s hard being second best, isn’t it?” he asked me quietly.

“I-what, sir?” I asked, not sure if I had heard correctly.

“I said it’s difficult to do things knowing that you’ll never be good enough,” Lieutenant Jupiter said.  I stared at him, the blood draining from my face.  Suddenly I was trembling all over as the fear I kept bottled up inside me threatened to come spilling out.  “Go, Shepard,” Lieutenant Jupiter said, nodding his head in the direction of the obstacle course.

I don’t actually remember completing the obstacle course.  I hear I did pretty terribly.  I kept catching my clothes on the barbed wire, I tripped over most of the crates in the duck-n-run, I spent two minutes in the tunnel, and kept dropping my rifle into the water.

“What the hell happened, Jane?” Ash asked later as we walked to weapons and armoury.

“Huh?” I asked.  “Oh, nothing.  Just trying something new.”

I was still trembling though, and when it was my turn on the shooting range, I missed every single target.  I turned around and saw my entire class standing behind me, open-mouthed.

“May I please be excused, sir?” I asked, my voice trembling.

Admiral Greyling, God bless his soul, nodded his head, and I wandered away from the shooting range.

I walked aimlessly for a couple of minutes until I found myself in the med bay.  “Is Elizabeth in?” I asked Dr Du Pre.

“You mean the shrink?” he asked.  “Yes she’s in.  I’m sure she’d be happy to see you, Titch.”

I winced and walked to her office.  I hadn’t been to see Elizabeth since we had drawn my timeline, and I wasn’t entirely sure why my feet had chosen to bring me here of all places.  I decided I just needed someone neutral to talk to.

Elizabeth was busy talking to someone on the vidcom when I came in.  “Mamma, it’s the army, not a sexual offenders’ convention,” she was saying. 

“Beth, my child, I worry about you,” her mother replied.  “You know what a reputation soldiers have.”

“I know that Mamma,” Elizabeth said.  “My supervisor briefed me on this sort of thing.  Anyway, most of my clients aren’t dangerous, just badly damaged.”  She looked up and saw me.  “Shit,” she said, her face burning.  “Mamma, I have to go.  Lief vir jou.  Kisses to everyone.”  She jabbed her finger down on her keyboard. 

“Damaged, are we?” I asked dryly.

“Sorry, Jane,” she said, her cheeks glowing.  “My mom’s a counsellor.  I often go to her for advice.  So far I’ve found that most of my clients either have some sort of disorder or come from troubled backgrounds.”

“Don’t worry,” I said.  “I know the whole ‘every marine is a bullet away from the nuthouse’ saw.”

“Sadly that is true,” Elizabeth said.  “That’s why there’s a motion to put a mental health professional on every Alliance ship and outpost.  So what can I do for you today?”

“I hate my dad,” I blurted out, then covered my mouth. 

Elizabeth regarded me calmly.  “Ok,” she said.  “Let’s sit down.”

I sat down in my usual chair and pulled my legs up to my chest.  My heart was pounding and I was still trembling.  I had not felt this terrified since just before my meeting with the admirals when I joined up.

“So, you just told me that you hate your father,” Elizabeth said, settling herself in her chair.  “Do you want to tell me about it?”  I hesitated and she smiled gently.  “Jane, I think we are past the illusion that I am your social worker.”

And for some reason I trusted her.  “Commander Anderson isn’t here,” I said.  “He’s fighting in the war, and there’s this lieutenant that’s taken over his session for this week, Lieutenant Jupiter.”

“That must be difficult for you to adjust,” Elizabeth remarked.  “You get used to one person’s style of teaching.”

“Yeah, it’s different,” I said.  “I can adjust quite quickly though, that’s not the problem.  Just before I went into the obstacle course though, Lieutenant Jupiter said to me it must be hard for me to be second-best the whole time.  I fucked the obstacle course up, and now I can’t shoot straight anymore.”

“Ok,” Elizabeth said.  “How did you feel after Lieutenant Jupiter said that to you?”

“How did I feel?” I asked distractedly.  I picked at my trousers.  “Scared,” I admitted.  “Terrified.”

“Why did you feel terrified?” Elizabeth asked.

“Can I show you something?” I asked quietly.  She nodded.  I got out my personal datapad and opened the vid called ‘Jean and Jane blue belt grading training, June 2168’.  “I was seven here,” I said.

Jean and I were practicing our kata in this vid whilst Dad watched.  John was the one that had recorded the vid.  Jean had gone first.

“Good work sweetie,” Dad said, nodding approvingly.  “Jane, let’s see you now.”

“Yes sir,” I said.  I stood in front of him, bowed, and went into ready position, waiting for him to give me the sign to start.

“Now, Jane, I don’t expect you to do as well as your sister, what with your asthma and other troubles, but just try your best,” he said.

I nodded and bowed again.  “Hayen godan,” I said.

“Begin,” Dad said.

I started the kata.  “Straighten your back leg,” Dad said.  I did so.  “No, no, begin again.”  He made me start again five times before I even reached the halfway point.

What always amazed me, watching this vid, was the fact that my face was completely expressionless, even though inside I was terrified.  I ended up redoing the entire kata a total of twenty times.

“I’ve seen enough,” Dad said at the end.  “Jeanie, that belt is yours.  You are doing an excellent job sweetheart, I’m proud of you.”

“Thank you, sir,” Jean said, her eyes forward.

“Jane, you look like a spastic,” Dad continued, moving to me.

“Yes sir,” I said.  “I was trying to keep Jason company.”  Even at seven I was a smart ass.

“Do you think this is a joke?” Dad asked quietly.  “Whole platoons of men being blown apart by the turians is some sort of joke to you, Jane?”

“I-,” I began.  “No sir.”

“You are in a unique position here girl,” Dad continued.  “Now, I doubt very much that you will make it into the marines, and the chances of you getting a posting in space are very small, but still, everything I teach you is invaluable to your survival.”

That was the end of the vid.  Elizabeth regarded my face for a while.  “Are you alright?” she asked eventually in a quiet voice.

I shrugged.  “I’m always scared,” I said in an emotionless voice. 

“Was your dad like this with everything?” Elizabeth asked.

“Pretty much,” I said.  “He was a hero during the First Contact War.  When he was twenty he was on the ground in the reclaiming of Shanxi.  His CO was killed and HQ gave him temporary command.  His squad held the outpost for seventy hours until reinforcements came.  He was made executive officer and was bumped up to N6.  They even gave him permission to marry another Alliance soldier and allowed them to procreate.  Then the Alliance pretty much forgot about him.  He was executive officer on the Hugo Grayson for nineteen years before his death.”

“And he wanted you to go into the military?” Elizabeth asked.

“Yeah, nutjob that he was,” I said.  “I think he thought he wasn’t good enough to get really good assignments from the Alliance.  I mean, Commander Pieterse was N7 and got a bunch of great assignments which he sometimes took Dad with on, but for some reason it never got him any upward mobility.”

“So you think that in training you and your siblings he could make you into better soldiers than he was,” Elizabeth said.

“Yeah,” I said.  “It was his lifelong ambition for one of us to make it to N7 and he subsequently trained John, Jean and me in all the things that he could to make us good soldiers: marksmanship, communications, combat, that sort of thing.”

“It seemed in the vid though that he wasn’t pleased with your progress,” Elizabeth said.  “Is that accurate?”

“Dad wasn’t pleased with me in anything,” I said, my voice matter-of-fact.  “It was one of those things.  I’m very small and very light and I have health issues.  I’ll almost certainly never make it as a super soldier.  The only thing I was any good at is marksmanship.  That and gymnastics, but he made me quit it.”

“He made you quit gymnastics?” Elizabeth asked quietly.  “Why?”

I shrugged.  “He was like that,” I said.  “When I was five he took me out of school because I was failing math.  When I got too good at gymnastics, he made me quit because they might distract me from his goal of getting into the military.”

“What else did he do?” Elizabeth asked.  I looked up.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said.

“Jane-,” she began.

“Please,” I said.  “Don’t make me talk about it.”  My tone was almost pleading.

“Alright,” Elizabeth said.  “So, you fell apart when Lieutenant Jupiter said something about you being second-best.”

“Yeah,” I said.  “It’s not the first time that’s happened to me either.  In competitions I would either perform brilliantly or I would fall apart really badly.”

“Hm,” Elizabeth said.  “I have a theory, if you’d like to hear it.”

“Sure,” I said.  “Hit me.”  A poor choice of words given the current topic, I realised.

“Well, I think that perhaps you already set a very high standard for yourself,” Elizabeth said.  “You want to know what it feels like, to be the best, so you push yourself.  Somewhere deep down though, probably because of your father’s treatment of you, you think that you are not good enough, so when the pressure is really high, you tend to let that side of you take over, and as a result you don’t try because, well, why bother?  You’re going to fail in any case.”

“So you’re saying it’s all in my head?” I asked incredulously.  “If I change my thinking, I won’t fail?”

“Pretty much, yes,” Elizabeth said.  “I’m not saying it’ll be easy though.  You’d need to change sixteen years of deeply held beliefs, it’ll take time, but I am confident that you can do it.”

“Why are you confident I can do it?” I asked.

“Well, according to this vid, you lied about your health records to get into Del Sol, yet you still manage to be one of the top recruits in your year,” Elizabeth said, grinning.

Fuck.  Dad spoke about me having asthma in the vid.  “Look, please don’t say anything,” I said.  “My asthma is not that bad, it hasn’t really restricted me in any way.”

“I have to report it, Jane,” Elizabeth said gently.  “You could put yourself and your unit in danger.”

“I haven’t had an attack in six months,” I said.  “If you tell, they’ll either want me to undergo gene therapy or they’ll kick me out.”  She opened her mouth.  “Aren’t you meant to be my friend?” I asked, somewhat pathetically.

She shut her eyes briefly.  “Fine,” she sighed, opening her eyes.  “But the moment I get the sense that your health is affecting your work in any way, I’m taking this before Admiral Greyling.”

“Deal,” I said.  “Thank you, Elizabeth.”

“Don’t make me regret it,” Elizabeth said.  “I have to sit in on the meetings the trainers have where they discuss your progress to give my psychological input on my clients.  They all say mostly good things about you.  They think that you would make a fantastic soldier if you would only you could be less of a smart arse.”

“Understood,” I said.  I got up.  “I should go,” I said.

..... 

I decided that it was only good manners for me to go to Admiral Greyling and explain to him exactly why I had left the shooting range.  Well, perhaps not exactly why.  I wasn’t about to tell him that my encounter with Lieutenant Jupiter had caused me to remember the fear of failure I had always had when with my father and thus caused me to use a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy confirm my suspicions that I sucked.  It wasn’t really the thought of thing you liked to spread around when in the army. 

I found him on the shooting range, busy cleaning a rifle up.  “Sir,” I said to get his attention.

“Shepard,” he said looking up.  “What happened today?”

“I’m sorry, sir,” I said.  “Something…personal came up and I needed to go deal with it.”

He sighed.  “Shepard, you cannot let personal things get in the way of what you do here,” he said, shaking his head in disappointment.  “Things are going to happen when you’re out in the field.  You need to know how to let it go.”

“I know sir,” I said.  “I’m sorry.”

“I can’t let you leave the class like that again,” he said.

“Acknowledged,” I said.  There was an awkward silence.  “Anyway, I should go.  I need to pack those extra calories to make up for the lack of sleep that awaits me.”

I turned to leave.  “Wait a minute, Shepard,” Admiral Greyling said.  “You did terribly on the range earlier, but I know you can perform better.  Why don’t you show me now what you can do?”

“Seriously?” I asked.  He nodded.  “Alright then,” I said, shrugging.

I went into the storeroom and got the weapons and ammunition I needed, then set myself up in front of one of the targets.

“Start with the sidearm,” Admiral Greyling said.

I picked the Scorpion up, checked that it was assembled properly, loaded it and stood in safe stance.

“Stance, Shepard,” Admiral Greyling said.

I sighed and brought my left hand up.  “I don’t see why if I can shoot just as straight in safe stance,” I said. 

“I need to teach you in a certain way, Shepard,” Admiral Greyling said.  “When you’re ready.”

It was probably a good thing I had changed my stance, because I started trembling immediately as I stared the target down.  Admiral Greyling saw this.

“Deep breath,” he said.  “It slows everything down.”

I sucked in a breath.  “You can do this,” I told myself.  He was right, everything did slow down.  I pulled the trigger on the gun and felt it kick in my hand.

 .....

“If only I’d had you on my squad when I was on Mindoir ten years ago,” Admiral Greyling said when I fired my last shotgun slug.  “Things might have turned out differently.”

“What happened on Mindoir?” I asked.

“A terrorist group tried to take control of the colony,” he said.  “I was just an Operations Chief in those days, but the group took out my entire squad.  Reinforcements came in and arrested them just as they were about to execute me.”

“How would I have changed anything?” I asked.

“Most of the people on my squad couldn’t hit the side of a barn,” Admiral Greyling said.  “Go on, Shepard, you have ten minutes before the lunch hour ends.”

“Thank you, sir,” I said, saluting.

He nodded.  “Dismissed, Recruit Shepard,” he said.

I ran back to the mess hall, grabbed my tray and plonked myself down in a seat between Zac and Ash.

“You ok?” Ash asked as I tore the lid off my yoghurt.

I nodded, gulping down a spoonful of yoghurt.  “Yeah,” I said.  “I’m great.”

.....

Every evening after dinner, lists of those killed in action in the war was posted in the Annexe.  I went to make sure that Auntie Jen’s name wasn’t on the list.  I had so few relatives left that I wanted to hang on to them. 

The list was longer than usual on that day.  “I guess the war’s going pretty badly,” I said gloomily after confirming that there was no Shepard on the list.

“Yeah,” Kaidan said.  “Sure looks like it.”

“I hate this,” Ash said looking around.  “We’re going to go into this war soon, a war that we have very little chance of winning.”

“No,” I heard someone scream close by.  “God no.”

We turned.  It was Edwards from Pod 4.  “What’s going on?” Ash asked.

“Edwards’ brother was killed in action,” Zac said quietly.  “She just found out.”

It was the first time someone we knew had lost someone to the war.  “Shit,” Kaidan said.

“Yeah,” Zac said.  “Mum’s talking about joining the medical corps, just so that she feels like she’s doing something.  I told her not to.”

“What did she say?” I asked. 

“Mum’s a difficult woman,” Zac said, leading the way away from the notice board.  “The more you tell her not to do something, the more likely she is to do it.”

“So use whatchamacallit on her,” I said.  “Reverse-psychology.”

Zac looked tiredly at me.  “She’s a nurse,” he said.  “She knows the psychological tricks.”

“Fair enough,” I said. 

..... 

Our results were released at midnight.  We had all showered, but none of us had gone to bed, opting rather to study for our upcoming midyear tests. 

“Results are out,” Suang said somewhat boredly.

I opened the document somewhat listlessly, skipped over the long list of identifying particulars and went straight on to the marks.

“’Combat,” I read.  “One.  Fitness: four.  Reconnaissance: zero.  Weapons and armoury: zero.’”

“The hell?” I said aloud.

“What is it?” Ismaeel asked, his lips pursed. 

“I-,” I spotted Cat watching me.  “It’s nothing,” I said.

“Shepard, how the hell did you get a zero for weapons and armoury again?” Cat snapped.  “You shot up to shit.”

“Dunno,” I mumbled.  “Maybe Greyling likes me.”

“You suck his dick?” Cat asked.

“Yeah, only because you want to, McDougal,” I said angrily.  I looked back at the document.  “What do you suppose ‘any’ means?” I asked.

“Is that a trick question, Shepard?” Pierre asked.

“No,” I said.  “It says here ‘weapon specialisation: any’.”

“I think that’s pretty self-explanatory,” Bridget said.  “Apparently mine should be a pistol.”

“Short range,” I said absently.  “Means you’d have to move in very close to the enemy.”

“Mine is rifle,” Kaidan said.  He saw me look up.  “Yeah, I know, long range, provides covering fire.  What did you get, Ash?”

“Shotgun,” Ash said.  “Guess I should give the bruise on my shoulder a name.”

“Oh, heyup,” Bridget said.  “The teams for the round-robin have been posted too.  Let’s see: Team Zorax: Bridget Fredrich, Zac Tobrin and Kyle Jones.”

“Team Zorax?” I asked, laughing.  “What are you some alien squad from the nineteen sixties?”

“I don’t understand,” Bridget said, frowning.

“Don’t mind her,” Ash said hurriedly.  “She’s into things from the nineteen hundreds.  She’s funny that way.”

“McDougal, Sonier and Mahlberg on The Hot Ones,” Cat said. 

“Imaginative name,” Zac mumbled.

“Ismaeel, Suang and I are Asian Fusion,” Mikhail said.

“I guess that leaves The Perfectionists,” I said.  “Jane, Ashley and Kaidan to the rescue.  Perfectly.  In perfect formation.  With perfect legs.”

“So, for the rest of the competition we’ll be flying around Sol System in a space carrier, right?” Kaidan said.  “I’ve never been in space.”

“Me neither,” Zac said.

“Well, grunts, you may enjoy flying around space,” Cat said.  “I’m going to be on Luna, learning to be a weapon’s specialist.”

“How jolly for you,” I said.

“You won’t make it, Shepard,” Cat said.

“Never said I would,” I answered.

“I’m going to beat you at the shooting range,” Cat continued.

“I’m sure you will,” I countered.  “After all, two weeks is plenty of time for you to learn which end of the gun is the barrel.  After that it’s a couple of days to learn the tricky navigation of the trigger.”  I yawned.  “I’m so tired I could sleep an elephant.”

“Shepard,” Cat said.

“Leave me alone, McDougal, you annoy me,” I said.

“You’re going down,” Cat said.

“Your face is going down, McDougal,” I said.

“Huh?”

 .....

The next morning Lieutenant Jupiter sent a message ordering us to report for our fitness session in the gymnasium basement.

“Should we be alarmed?” I asked over breakfast.  “I mean, in every single horror movie out there, the basement means nothing but trouble.”

“That’s not true,” Bridget said.  “There aren’t any basements in Funny Games.”

“Are we talking original or revamped?” I asked.  “Cos those were two different movies.”

“The original,” Bridget said.  “The one made by the Germans.”  She saw the others staring at her.  “I’m a movie buff too,” she shrugged.

“There aren’t any basements in Spacecraft either,” Zac said. 

“It’s set on a turian warship,” Ash said.  “There aren’t any basements on those.  Or on any warship for that matter.”

“Damn good movie though,” Ismaeel said through a mouthful of porridge.  “That bit where Septus goes into the CIC and sees his pilot hanging there.  You know then that there’s no way things’ll end well for him or his crew.”

“It was too predictable,” I said. 

Zac looked scandalised.  “It was not,” he said in affronted tones.

“It was,” I insisted.  “On warships the people who usually bare grudges are either the captain because unless the ground troops on the ship are really crap he rarely gets credit, or the XO because he is the one left with the brunt of the work.”

“Ok, maybe it was predictable for people who lived on ships their whole lives, but for us little people who grew up on the ground it was an amazing movie,” Bridget said.  “Hey, did you guys hear that Blasto 2 is in production?”

We had not.  The rest of breakfast was spent debating which would be the better alien movie in 2178: Blasto 2 or Fleet and Flotilla.  The debate was still raging when we walked to the Command Centre for our combat session. 

“What are you guys talking about?” Mikhail asked as we waited for Admiral Brawne to show up.

“Which movie do you think will be better, Blasto 2 or Fleet and Flotilla?” Ash demanded.

“So hostile, Williams,” Bridget remarked.

“Blasto 2,” Mikhail answered.  “Baloom and Chesh were hilarious as Blasto and Buba.  I loved Blasto: the rise of the jellyfish Spectre.”

“Yeah, but Fleet and Flotilla is a romance,” Cat said.  “An inter-species romance between two dextero-amino acid species.  That’s what the audience likes nowadays according to Daddy.”  For some weird reason, turians and quarians had a different amino-acid structure to other species in the galaxy, the result being that if we came into contact with their proteins, or if they came in contact with any of our proteins, we would get sick and most likely die.

“You know, Madoogil, you’re going to have to learn how to form an opinion of your own someday,” Kaidan said.

“She’s right though,” Suang said.  “It has Drein Bitarmus and Lin’Harel in it, and they’re both phenomenal actors.  I mean, did you see Sunset on the Home-world?”

“The movie about how the quarians lost Rannoch to the geth?” Ismaeel asked.

“Yeah, they call it the Morning War,” Suang said.  “Now, you know that part where the quarian admiral, Admiral Sha’Nar, has to choose between saving her husband or saving the fleet?  Lin’Harel plays that so beautifully.  I cry every time I watch that bit.”  We all stared at him.  “Yeah,” he said.  “Gets me every time.”

“I suppose it is quite a sad bit,” Mikhail said unconvincingly.

“And the fact that you can’t see any of the quarians’ faces makes it even more amazing,” Suang said enthusiastically.  “It shows a great deal of screen presence.”  Quarians were the other galactic species that had to spend all their lives in pressure suits, owing to a lack of an immune system.

Thankfully Admiral Brawne made his appearance then.  “Inside,” he said.

“So, we’ve had the Zen of hand-to-face combat as well as combat placements,” I mumbled to Kaidan and Ash as we took our customary seats in the middle of the room.  “What do you suppose is next for us?”

“Now, I was pleasantly surprised by your performances in yesterday’s test,” Admiral Brawne said.  “It seems you trained hard whilst I was away.  This is good, because you will all be thrown into the deep end until August.  The time has come for us to send you into the simulators.”

“Uh oh,” Ash mumbled.  “This sounds like bad news.”

“There are four tests that you need to pass in the simulator,” Admiral Brawne said.  “Hunt, Time-trial, Survival, and Capture.  From now until your exams in July I will be training you in each of these tests.  However, in the exams, you can choose which two you want to be tested in, and you will then be tested in the other two in your senior year.  However, in your senior year the difficulty level on all these tests is increased, so I would strongly suggest that you request that you do the two tests that you perform more poorly in for this set of exams.”

I was trying to imagine what each of these tests would entail, but for some reason all I could think of was shitty reality TV shows where contenders were stranded on some asteroid somewhere and told to survive on what they carried in their backpacks.

“Finally, the officer recruits of each pod is required to lead the top four students in each pod through one of these simulations in order to pass their final examination,” Admiral Brawne continued.  “I am not at liberty yet to say who these students are, but if you are in the top four at the mark reading before December week, know that your pod officers will be taking you into the simulator in July.  Your performance in the simulator will also be assessed and will count to your final mark for mine and Admiral Greyling’s courses.  Any questions?”

“Most of us have only just learned to shoot straight, sir,” Cat said, throwing her hand up.  “Will the fact that we’re, let’s say, inexperienced in these situations be taken into account?”

“Tell me McDougal, why are you here?” Admiral Brawne asked boredly.

“Um, to learn to become marines, sir?” Cat asked uncertainly.

“Good, you have been paying attention,” Admiral Brawne said.  “You are all inexperienced.  You are here to learn.  Do you understand?”

“Kapow,” I muttered.

“Yes sir,” Cat said, her face bright red.

“Now, if there are no more questions, let us begin,” Admiral Brawne said.  “Get your datapads out please.  Who can tell me how many senses there are?  Junior Recruit Shepard?”

I jumped.  “Um, seven if you’re a biotic, six if you’re not,” I said smartly.  I saluted too, just to stroke his oversized, robotic, admiral’s ego.

“That’s wrong,” Cat said.

“Your face is wrong,” I snapped.

“I don’t know what that means,” Cat said.  “It’s six for biotics, five for normal humans.”

“Careful,” Kaidan said in a low voice.

“Alright, Shepard, can you substantiate your answer?” Admiral Brawne said.

“Yes sir,” I said.  “The five boring senses are: sight, hearing, taste, smell, touch.  The biotic sense is energy and matter.  The additional sense is intuition.”

“There’s no such thing as the additional sense,” Cat cried.  “It’s an urban legend.”

“Your face is an urban legend,” I said.

“Stop with the face jokes,” Cat said angrily.

“Enough you two or you’re both on a charge,” Admiral Brawne said.  “Shepard, you are absolutely right: there is an additional sense, the so-called intuition sense.”

“But sir,” Cat said, waving her hand in the air.  “Is intuition not subjective?  Our other senses are reliable, we all see the same things, but intuition is different for each person.”

“Can I answer that?” Zac asked excitedly, waving his hand in the air.  “What colour is your hair, McDougal?”

“Red,” Cat said.  “What are you getting at, Tobrin?”

“Alright,” Zac said.  “I would also say it’s red.  How do we know though, that the colour red looks the same for us though?  I might see blue, but call it red.”

“But that’s ridiculous,” Cat said.  “Why wouldn’t it be?”

“This has gotten a bit more philosophical than I intended,” Admiral Brawne said.  “Yes, intuition is subjective, McDougal, but it is also what will most likely keep you alive in combat situations, and it is one of those things that you either have good intuition or you don’t.  There’s no way of improving it.”

“How will it keep you alive, sir?” Bridget asked.

“In combat situations, it is your intuition that will tell you what your enemy is doing and how best to keep yourself and your partner alive,” Admiral Brawne said.

“Isn’t that your training though?” Cat asked.

“Yes, in a way, your training does shape your intuition,” Admiral Brawne said.  “It sharpens it, focuses it.  You can have the best training in the world though and not have a good intuition.  For a good intuition though, you don’t necessarily need good training.”

“Well, that’s me fucked then,” Kaidan mumbled.  “I have terrible instincts.”

“I’m sure that’s not true,” I said in an undertone.

“No, it is actually true,” Kaidan mumbled.  “Usually my instincts make me do the opposite of what I should do.”

..... 

There was a pool in the basement of the gymnasium.  “This looks like bad news,” I said.

“Good morning, grunts,” Lieutenant Jupiter said.  “In the box next to me are swimming costumes and caps.  Go put them on please and report back here.”

“I don’t think I’m going to like this session very much,” Kyle said gloomily as we waited in line to get our swimsuits.

“You can’t swim?” Zac asked.

“I’m black,” Kyle said.  “There are some things a brother shouldn’t do.”

“Thank god I attended swimming lessons on Jump Zero,” Kaidan said.  He pulled a black speedo from the box.  “There is no way in hell I am wearing that,” he said in a revolted tone.

“It suits you,” I said.  “I like the colour.”

“Laugh it up, Shepard, at least I have something to put into my swimsuit,” Kaidan said.

“Oh,” I said in a mock-hurt tone.  “Low blow.”

“These bathers are sort of the same as the ones we used in school,” Ash said as we walked to the changing rooms.

“I never went to school,” I said.  “I can’t swim.”

“You can’t do maths either,” Pierre said.

“Oh, thanks for reminding me, asshole,” I snapped.  “I grew up on a space ship.  There aren’t exactly any swimming pools hidden in the shuttle bays there.”

“I grew up on a space ship too,” Cat said.  “And I can swim.”

“What, there was a swimming pool in the hold of Agincourt?” I asked.

“No,” Cat said.  “I live six months of the year with my mum on Horizon.  There’s a swimming pool there.”

“How jolly for you,” I mumbled, pulling the swimsuit on.

It was, per usual, too large in the bum and bust and could potentially, if I was not careful, give everyone a north-and-south view of my body.  We wrapped towels around our bodies and ran back to the pool.  “For the next six days you will be working on your swimming,” Lieutenant Jupiter said without prelude.  “You will be expected to be able to swim fifty laps for your next test.  Does anyone here not know how to swim?”

Kyle and I raised our hands.  “Can you two not swim at all?” Lieutenant Jupiter asked, sighing.

“No, sir,” I said. 

“Is there anyone willing to teach Jones and Shepard how to swim?” Lieutenant Jupiter asked.

“I will, sir,” Cat (who else, the Arse Lick) said, raising her hand.

“Alright, McDougal, you liaise with Shepard and Jones regarding when they’re free,” Lieutenant Jupiter said.  “The rest of you, in the water.”

“Well, on a scale of one to ten how good are you at swimming,” Cat asked us.

“I’d say I’m about a zero,” I said.  “And not in a good way.”

“Ok,” Cat said, nodding.  “How about you, Jones?”

“Same,” Kyle mumbled.

“Right,” Cat said.  “I guess this is going to be harder than I thought.”

“Look, if you’re going to be insulting, we might as well find another teacher,” I said.  “Don’t do us any favours.”

“No, it’s fine,” Cat said.  “How about tomorrow night after recon?”

“Whatever,” I sighed.  “It’s not as if I’ll be sleeping in any case.”

“I can’t,” Kyle mumbled.  “I have stand-to from midnight until two.”

“Alright, well I have stand-to from two until four, so you and I will have to find another time, Jones,” Cat said.  “We’ll talk about it later.”

“McDougal, I asked you to negotiate a time not stand around and gossip,” Lieutenant Jupiter roared.  “Get your arse into the water, now!”

“Sorry sir,” Cat gasped, diving into the water.

“I miss Commander Anderson,” I said.  “He would have said something like ‘Arse-Lick, I asked you to negotiate a time for swimming lessons, not when your next session at the beauty parlour with Ken and Who? will be.’”

“You like him, don’t you?” Kyle asked.

I shrugged.  “I don’t feel that he’s a complete asshole, like some of the other trainers,” I said.  “And he is a very good soldier.  Have you seen the vids from the First Contact War?  His squad almost single-handedly repelled a turian battalion on Terra Nova.”

“I’ve seen it,” Kyle said.

“So, plans for December week?” I asked.  “Are you going back to Eden Prime?”

“It’s a week’s journey from here,” Kyle said.  “There wouldn’t be much point.”

“No, I suppose not,” I frowned.

“My parents are meeting me in London,” he continued.

“Excited?” I asked.

He shrugged.  “It almost feels like the outside world doesn’t really exist,” he said.  “Like everything that happened before coming here was some sort of dream.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” I said.  “You’re too tired to think of anything else.”

“Exactly,” he said, nodding.  “How about you?  What are you doing for December week?”

“Ash and I are going to stay with Fredrich and her girlfriend,” I said.

“They have their own place?” Kyle asked incredulously.

“Well, apparently Fredrich’s girlfriend’s step-dad owns Nevos or something,” I said.  “Also, don’t forget that Fredrich is two years older than us.”

“Her step-dad owns Nevos?” Kyle asked incredulously.

“I forget the details, but that’s pretty much the gist of it,” I said.

“You’re American, right?” Kyle asked.

“Yeah,” I said.  “Why do you ask?”

“Was your family from Earth?”

I shook my head.  “My dad grew up on Tiptree,” I said.  “His ancestors were Texan, which means they were one of the first to be evacuated during the war.  My mom was Chinese, so she grew up on Zhu’s Hope.  I never met her family.”

“How come?” Kyle asked.

“Her parents and grandparents were kind of old school in their beliefs, and didn’t believe Mom should be marrying a white man,” I explained.  “Also, they didn’t approve of her joining the air force, so they pretty much cut her off.  Far as I know, she never returned to Zhu’s Hope after she married Dad.”

“Families are difficult, huh?” Kyle asked.

“You can say that again.”

..... 

“The time has come,” Admiral Greyling said as we gathered around him on the shooting range. 

“For what, sir?” De Valentino from Pod 4 asked eagerly.

“For you to put on your body armour for the first time,” Admiral Greyling said.  “When I call your name, come up here to receive your armour.”

“Finally,” Kaidan murmured.  “I want to see this armour that we’re supposedly famous for.”

His name was called and he went up to Admiral Greyling.  “Yellow spandex?” he asked in disgust when he got back to us.  He fingered the UL.

“Careful you don’t tear it,” I said.  “It’s very fragile.”

“Have you worn one of these before?” Kaidan asked.

“Nope,” I said.  “I frequently cleaned my dad’s armour though, so I know how it should be treated.  It should fit your body per-fuck.”

“Pardon?” Kaidan asked politely.

I raised my hand.  “Admiral Greyling sir,” I called.

“Yes, Shepard, what is it?” he asked, looking up from the pile of plating he was giving to Sven.

“Um, I’m not quite sure how to say this,” I said.  “I lied about my height and weight when I joined up.”

Admiral Greyling seemed unsure of how to respond to that.  “Uh huh?” he said.

“Yeah,” I said.  “I’m not five foot one and a half inches tall.  Also, I don’t weigh ninety two pounds.”

“Did you round up or round down?” Admiral Greyling asked.  When I looked nonplussed, he sighed and said, “Is less more or more less?”

“More or less,” I said.  “Sorry, this isn’t really the time for jokes.  I’m actually four foot eleven inches tall and I weigh eighty eight pounds.”  Someone gave a low whistle.  I ignored whoever it was.  “See, I was afraid that if you found out that I’m the same height of the average ten year old, I wouldn’t be allowed in, and it’s been my dream to make it into the military.”

“Very well Shepard,” Admiral Greyling said.  “We’ve had midgets…I mean little people in the military before.  I’ll see if I can get hold of the proper armour.”

“Respectfully sir, I am not a midget,” I said.  “They tend to be a lot shorter than I am.”

“Whatever Shepard,” Admiral Greyling said.  “Before I go to the armoury, are there any other secrets you want to tell us?”

I hesitated.  “No, sir,” I lied.

“Are you sure, grunt?” he asked.  “You aren’t actually underage or anything?”

“I’m definitely sixteen,” I said.

“Alright then, take over here for me whilst I run to the armoury,” Admiral Greyling said.  “The armour is numbered.  Here’s the datapad.  I won’t be too long.”

“Understood,” I said.  “Right,” I said as he walked away.  “Next up we have number fourteen, who I believe is Junior Recruit Catlin Anna Tatum McDougal.  Step this way please.”

Cat pulled a face at me as she walked up.  “Here we are, lovely lady,” I said, dumping the ML and UL in her arms.  “Oh, and don’t forget the plating,” I added, dumping them on top of the pile.

By the time Admiral Greyling returned I had gone through the entire list and was teaching the others the words to the turian national anthem.

“All together now,” I cried.  “’The spirits of Palaven live on, my friend.  The spirits of Palaven live on.  Though the asari may throw us against the walls, the spirits of Palaven live on.  Though the salarians are the smartest of all, the spirits…’ oh hello sir.”

“Shepard,” he said.  “Where did you learn the turian national anthem?”

“On the extranet, sir,” I answered.

“Have some armour, Shepard,” he sighed.

“Thank you sir,” I said, taking the pile from him.

“Now then, there are three layers to human armour,” Admiral Greyling said.  “Salarians and asari tend to have just one, and the turians two, but humanity has combined the two different forms to make a new, improved armour.  What I have given you is all part of the deuce gear that you will have to return when you graduate in two years’ time, so keep it in good condition.    Now, the UL is the yellow spandex suit.  It goes first and it is extremely fragile.  Its main purpose is to seal the in the body’s moisture so that it does not dry out.  Now, I want you all to put the UL on.”  We all stared at him uncomprehendingly.  “Strip down to your underwear please grunts.  The women will have to take their bras off, unless their bras don’t have hooks on them.”

“I beg your pardon, sir?” Bridget said politely.

“You heard me Junior Recruit Fredrich,” Admiral Greyling said.  “If you had to choose between your life and your bra, I’m sure you’d go for your life.”

“It’s not that, sir, it’s just,” she gritted her teeth.  “I’m very well endowed, sir and if I take my bra off I may knock myself out with my breasts.”

“My advice to you then Fredrich, would be to do what most women in the military do: invest in a sports bra,” Admiral Greyling said boredly.  “You have leave coming up.”

“Aye aye sir,” Bridget said, fuming.  “If I hear anyone making comments about my breasts, I will murder you in your sleep.  That’s directed at Pod 4 by the way.  Pod 3’s already seen them.”

“Enough with the theatricalities, Fredrich,” Admiral Greyling said.

I thanked all those involved in my genetic make-up that I had breasts small enough that I tended to wear sports bras as a rule.  “Sir, human military wears dog tags,” Cat said as we undressed.  “How do we stop those from breaking the UL?”

“Good question, McDougal,” Admiral Greyling said.  “Most of us tend to wrap the chain and tag in a cloth and then wear it around our necks.  As you are no doubt aware, it is a military offence for you to be caught without your dog tag around your neck.  The penalty is time in the brig.”

“Such fun,” I mumbled, zipping the UL up.

“Looking good, Shepard,” Ismaeel said, his eyes on a certain area.

“Your face is looking good, Khan,” I said.

“What is with the ‘your face’ insults, Jane?” Ash asked.

“Huh?” I asked.  “Oh, Jean and I did them when we were seven.  They’re fun because no one knows what the hell they mean half the time, so they tend to shut up.  Your legs look amazing in a UL, Ash.”

“I know,” Ash said unmodestly.  “I think the Alliance military’s armour was designed by Cocoa Chanel.”

“Nah, it was an asari brand,” I said.  “The one that makes all those skanky-ass clothes like that red dress of yours.”

“Jaira’s?” Ash asked. 

“Yeah,” I said.

“God, I miss normal clothes,” Ash sighed. 

“Well, you’ll be missing them for quite a while,” I said.  “We’re in uniform until our review when we’ve served for seven years.”

“The middle layer comes next,” Admiral Greyling said.  “It also has three layers: the bottom layer is for controlling body pressure in space combat, the middle layer is for controlling the body’s temperature, and the top layer is to protect the other two layers.  This one is far more durable and can withstand a fair amount of force.  If it does break for some reason, your BOL should have a patch in it which will temporarily keep the suit sealed.  Put the ML on now.”

The ML was far heavier than I had expected and I wasn’t sure how I would be able to walk anywhere very far or very fast if I added the armour onto it.  I flexed my hands experimentally.  The ML fit tightly, but I seemed to have most of my motor control.  When everyone had their MLs on, Admiral Greyling explained to us the purpose of each piece of plating and we put it on.  The entire operation took about an hour and a half, finishing with us putting a weapon’s harness and oxygen tank on our back and pulling an oxygen helmet on.

“Well, if we get invaded, we should be ok as long as the enemy is really slow,” Zac said.  I was feeling slightly panicked.  The helmet blocked my peripheral vision and made me feel like I was trapped.

“I wouldn’t worry,” Admiral Greyling said, overhearing Zac.  “You start off taking long to put the armour on, but it takes me about three to five minutes these days.”

“Does he still go out into combat zones?” Ash whispered.  “I thought admirals sat in the HQ on Arcturus and ordered other people around.”

I shrugged.  “Who knows?” I mumbled.

“Now, for the rest of the week, you are going to wear your armour to this class, and then for the rest of the day,” Admiral Greyling said.

“Seriously?” I asked.  “I’m on stand-to for the next twelve hours and I have to wear this crazy tin-can outfit?”

“Oh yes, sounds like jolly good fun,” Zac said.  “Now you have this weird thing that can cool you down if it senses your body’s getting too hot.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” I said.  “Or feel it, I guess.”  At that point the siren sounded.  “I’ll see y’all later,” I groaned.

..... 

The dorm was empty when I came off duty, so I decided to work out a bit.  I put my leotard on and went to the gymnasium, where I found the rest of my podmates.

“Clearly we all had the same idea,” I remarked.

“Fools never differ,” Bridget, who was busy bench-pressing a bar that probably weighed about the same as me, said.

“So rude,” Ash mumbled, doing a plié. 

“How the hell do you do that, woman?” Pierre asked in amazement.

“You ain’t seen nothing yet,” Ash said.  She positioned herself, then did four pirouettes in a row.

“God almighty, my feet get sore just from watching you do that,” Bridget said.

“Yeah, well so do mine,” Ash said.

I finished warming up and went into a split for emphasis.  “I’m surrounded by freaks of nature,” Bridget mumbled.

“Says the woman bench-pressing something that would break my arms if I tried it,” I said, getting up.  I did a quick back handspring.  “Alright, beam me up, Scotty,” I said.

“Huh?” Mikhail asked, looking up from his one millionth push-up. 

“It’s from Star Trek,” I said.  “You know, the TV program from the 1980s.”

“None of us were alive in the 1980s,” Kaidan pointed out, dabbing at his face with a towel.

“Thank you Captain Obvious,” I said.  “I like things from the pre-mass relay era.  There was a strange innocence then.  Now people seem to think they know everything.”

“She likes music from the late twentieth century and early twenty first century too,” Ash said.

“You mean hip-hop, rap, that kind of thing?” Cat asked in disgust.

“Sure,” I said.  “Rock music too.  It’s way better than groups like Eezo-9, the Mass Effectors.  Electro P-Funk sucks ass.”

“Eezo-9 is the band of the century, Shepard, you can’t insult them,” Sven said, sounding insulted.

“Why not?” I asked.  “I can’t stand their music most of the time.”

I got onto the beam and did a front aerial.  “Whoops,” I mumbled as I wobbled.  “That would not have gone down well at a meet.”  I did a few more flips.

“You’re good,” Ismaeel said.  “Ever think of going professional?”

“Sure,” I said.  “Won’t happen though.”

“How come?” Suang asked.

“Because I’m stuck in the middle of the fucking Rio desert,” I snapped.

“Ok, simmer down,” Suang muttered.

“What’s going on here?” a voice asked from the doorway.

“Shit,” Zac shouted, falling off of the treadmill.

We all turned.  It was Lieutenant Jupiter.  We all sprang unclassically to attention.  “Pod 3,” Lieutenant Jupiter said.  “As you were.”  We relaxed.  “What are you all doing here?”

“We’re exercising, sir,” Cat said.

“Oh?” Lieutenant Jupiter asked.  “Shepard, what are you doing up there?”

“Gymnastics, sir,” I said.

“Come down, I am unaccustomed to having you taller than me,” Lieutenant Jupiter said.

“Aye aye, sir,” I said.  I couldn’t resist doing a back-flip down.

“What is the point of you doing gymnastics?” Lieutenant Jupiter asked.  “You’re in the marines.”

“Yes sir,” I said.  “I’m pretty short though and quite small, which makes me very easy to punch into next week.  Gymnastics makes me more flexible, allows me to move faster.  Sir.”

“To move faster you need to run more,” Lieutenant Jupiter said.

“Acknowledged sir, but-,” I began. 

“No buts, Shepard,” Lieutenant Jupiter said.  “From now on I want you to start running as your exercise form, no excuses.”

I sprang to a fuming salute.  “Aye aye sir,” I snapped.

He gave a grimace that may have been a vindictive smile.  “Who’s like us, Shepard?” he asked, returning my salute.

“Damn few sir,” I said angrily.  “And they’re all dead.”

“That’s what I like to hear, grunt Shepard,” Lieutenant Jupiter said.  He turned to the others who all immediately saluted.  “By the way, the rest of you would benefit from watching the news tonight.  Good night to you all.”

“What a fucking dick,” I snapped when the door had shut behind him.

“Such an asshole,” Bridget agreed.

“I’m surprised at you though, Shepard,” Cat said.  “I would have thought that you would have retaliated straight away.”

“Kiss my ass, McDougal, I’m not in the mood,” I snapped.

“Well, on the bright side, I do running too,” Kaidan said.

“How is having you lap me three times over the bright side, Alenko?” I asked.  “I’m a gymnast.  I like gymnastics.  I hate running.  I never make it very far with running because I gas after running three yards.”

“Well, the lieutenant has a point,” Cat said.  “In a warzone you are far more likely to run than you are to do a handspring.”

“Yeah, and Commander Anderson said we can choose whatever exercise form we want,” I said.  “I mean face it, I’m more likely to do a handspring in a combat situation than Ash is to do an arabesque.”  I sighed.  “If anyone needs me, I’ll be on the shooting range.”

..... 

We were all curious about what exactly Lieutenant Jupiter had meant when he said that we should watch the news.  Particularly with regards to individual wartime activities, the Alliance law was that a period of three months had to pass before the reports were shown, so our information was almost always outdated.  Lieutenant Jupiter’s own report had been aired at the end of November, when his somewhat psychopathic heroics had occurred right at the start of the war.

“Good evening and welcome to Alliance News Network, coming at you from across the Milky Way,” the news reader said.  “My name is Sofia Fontana, reading you the news at nine.  Our top story this hour: Paz Nuevo saved by one woman’s heroics.  On 28 October 2177 the Skyllian town of Paz Nuevo fell to batarian forces and would still be in their hands if it had not been for the heroics of one Major Luna Jupiter.”  A photo appeared in the top corner of the screen of a pale young woman with short blond hair and brilliant green eyes.

“Jupiter?” Kaidan said loudly.  “Surely…”

“Sh,” Ash and I both said.

“Twenty six year old Major Jupiter had been on assignment to Paz Nuevo when the batarians landed,” Sofia Fontana continued.  “With more on the story we go to Felix Galler in London.”

The report cut to a shot of a man standing in front of Big Ben.  “Major Jupiter, the executive officer for Company 6 of the Marine Corps Scout Snipers aboard the dreadnought Everest, was in Paz Nuevo, doing maintenance on the GARDIAN guns when the batarians hit.  She describes the situation.”

The report cut to a shot of Luna Jupiter standing behind a podium.  “I was in the city with three others from my company: Gunnery Chief Antonio, Corporal Stevens and Corporal Bryan.  We were doing maintenance on the GARDIAN guns when the coms went off-line.  The batarians were jamming their signals and we were unable to radio for help.  We headed to the centre of the town to sound the air-raid siren as I suspected we might be in for trouble.  Almost as soon as I had sounded the siren, the guns were hit.  I got everyone into the bunker and organised the civilians into militia groups, whilst Chief Antonio and Corporal Stevens secured side-arms for everyone and rounded up the soldiers that were posted at the city.  When they returned, I got Chief Antonio and Corporal Stevens to dig in at the bunker with the majority of the civilians and the soldiers and to open fire.  Naturally, the batarians were drawn to the gunfire, and whilst they were distracted I took Corporal Bryan and two of the soldiers to the satellite dish.”

“How many soldiers were posted to the city?” a reporter asked.

“About thirty five in total,” Major Jupiter said.  “The city was not thought to be of strategic significance, so a large force was not posted there.  Anyway, Chief Antonio and I were to communicate with the use of flares.  If we needed aid, we would shoot one up.  Fortunately, Chief Antonio is an exceptional soldier and neither of us needed help.  My squad and I repaired the com tower, and called for reinforcements.  The Third Fleet was over us within five minutes and shot the batarian ships out of the sky.”

“How many casualties were there?” a reporter said.

“I believe the batarians lost about three hundred soldiers,” Major Jupiter said.

“How about human casualties?” the reporter asked.

“Humans?” Major Jupiter asked, grinning.  “I believe there were none.”

“Wow,” I whispered. 

“She formed a civilian militia on her own, left an NCO in charge with no coms, and took three people to repair a communication tower and did not lose a single person?” Ash asked in amazement.  “That is incredible.”

The news jumped back to the reader.  “Major Jupiter has been recommended for the Interplanetary Combative Training program which begins at Del Sol Academy in December and has been nominated for the Victorian Cross and the medal of valour.  Gunnery Chief Antonio has since been to First Lieutenant.  Tomorrow we will be presenting a program specifically dedicated to Major Jupiter’s heroics at nine o’clock on Channel Five.  And now, over to sport.”

“Ma’am,” Sven said, raising his hand.  “We have to watch that.  It’s got to be better than anything we can see on the news.”  
“I’ll put in a request with Marika,” Nina promised.

“And she’s coming here at the end of the month,” Kaidan whispered.  “I can’t believe it.  That’s what I call a goddamn hero.”

“Guess that’s what Lieutenant Jupiter wanted us to watch out for,” I said quietly.  “His twin sister is a war hero too.  An even bigger one actually, as no one died.”

 .....

**Carlotta: October**

I fucking hate Skyllia.  Always have, always will.  It’s where I grew up, it’s the reason I joined the fucking marines for Christ’s sake.  I couldn’t find a quicker way of leaving.  Anyway, I couldn’t really blame the spiders for bombing the shit outa the place, I would’ve too if I had the means, money and surety that I would get away with it.  However, this invasion meant that the entire Fifth Fleet was posted into the Attican Traverse, which meant that I was visiting home more often than I would have liked.  Our CO is Commander Lilith, an N7, which means we are doing drops into dangerous situations, then being debriefed by Dr Mahola, the shrink.  Also, since the Everest is the Fifth Fleet’s dreadnought, we get shot at a lot, especially when I’m trying to get Rochelle to go to sleep.

Rochelle’s my daughter.  She’s three months old.

I’m trying desperately to get Rochelle to go to sleep during a barrage at nine o’clock when Major Jupiter comes in.

“Antonio, the commander wants us in the debriefing room,” she says loudly.

Rochelle wakes up then and starts wailing.  I groan.  “I’ll be right along,” I say irritably.  “Ma’am,” I add when she scowls at me.

“You shouldn’t bring a baby on a dreadnought,” she says.

“People do it all the time,” I say. 

“You could leave her with her father,” Major Jupiter suggests.  I know what she’s up to.  Stephen no doubt wants her to find out if Rochelle’s his daughter.

“Her father’s a dick that does not know Rochelle exists,” I say, dancing around to get Rochelle to go to sleep.

“O-k, Chief, I’ll see you in the debriefing room,” Major Jupiter says.  “Don’t take long.”

“No Ma’am,” I say.

I like Major Jupiter.   She’s quite small, maybe five foot four, and petite, and is probably the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.  She has chin-length blonde hair, incredibly pale skin, and almond shaped emerald green eyes.  I would totally tap that, if it wasn’t against regulations. 

Not that I haven’t broken regulations before, but with Major Jupiter it was different.  She was the sort of woman that I’d want it to last with.  So instead I’m much more polite with her than I am with any of the other officers on the ship. 

Rochelle finally falls asleep and I put her on our bed.  I straighten my beret and go to the debriefing room.  Everyone from Company 3 is there.

“Thank you for joining us Chief Antonio,” Commander Lilith says.

“Sorry sir,” I say.  “Rochelle wouldn’t go to sleep.”

“Rochelle shouldn’t be on this ship,” Private Bradley mutters.

“Who the fuck asked your fucking opinion asshole?” I snap.

“Calm down Chief Antonio,” Commander Lilith says warningly.  “Don’t make me go to Admiral Hackett.”  That’s pretty much Lilith’s MO: threaten us with Stephen.

“God, I’m fucking terrified,” I say.  “Seriously, he’ll probably make me put on a corset and then jerk off.”

“Enough,” Major Jupiter roars.  For a little person she sure shouts loud.

“Sorry ma’am,” I say.

“Commander Lilith has a job for us,” Major Jupiter continues.  In the past we used to assassinate people, but nowadays we usually provide support to the Third Regiment Ground Marines.

“The GARDIAN guns in Paz Nuevo have gone offline,” Commander Lilith says, glaring at each of us.  He is apparently not a fan of snipers, thinks we’re cowards or something.  “The Everest is closest to the drop-point, so they want us to send a team of marines to repair the guns before the batarians land on the city.”

“Why us?” Lieutenant Roberts asks.  “Why Company 6?”

“Because of her,” Major Jupiter says, nodding in my direction.

I look up.  “What?” I ask.  “What did I do?”

“You’re a weapon’s specialist,” Commander Lilith says.

“So is that private in the Third Regiment, Private Grant,” I point out.

“Private Tashe,” Commander Lilith says.

“Who gives a fuck?” I snap.  “The point is, why me?”

“HQ is looking to promote you, Antonio,” Major Jupiter says bluntly.  “If you do well here, you’ll go into the officership.”

“Oh,” I say.  “I’d make a terrible officer though.  I swear a lot.”

“Well, obviously HQ thinks you’re good enough,” Major Jupiter says.

“Either that or they’re desperate,” Private Masaad says.

“Suck my dick you one-eyed fuck,” I say angrily.

“Anyway, Major Jupiter will be taking charge here,” Commander Lilith says.  “ETA is ten minutes.  Good luck.”

We all salute as he leaves.

“Can the rest of be excused?” Private Masaad asks.  “It’s clear who’s going with.”

“Yeah, and who might that be?” Private Stevens asks.

“Well, not me, that’s for sure,” Private Masaad, the worst soldier in the history of the Alliance, says.

“Correct,” Major Jupiter says.  “It’ll be me, Stevens, Antonio and Bryan going down.  We’ll be in radio contact and will notify if we need support.”

“Understood,” Lieutenant Roberts says smartly.

God, I hate the military.

..... 

So, on my way down to the armoury to armour up, I run into Stephen.

“Ten hut,” Major Jupiter says, saluting.  Everyone except me follows suit.  “Admiral on deck.”  The cry is echoed by the crew members on the deck.

“At ease,” he says, returning the salute.  “Where are you headed, marines?”

“Groundside, sir,” Major Jupiter says.  “We’re off to repair GARDIAN guns in Paz Nuevo.”

“Good luck,” he says.  “Chief Antonio, might I have a word?  The rest of you: dismissed.”

“Sir,” Major Jupiter says.

Stephen waits until they’ve gone down the ladder before turning to me.  “Why are you going with them, Carlotta?” he asks.

“I’m a weapon’s specialist and apparently in line for a promotion,” I say, shrugging.  “I don’t get it either.”

“I thought I told you not to go on missions anymore,” he says.  “I worry about you.”

“I thought I told you to go fuck yourself when you told me that,” I say.  “I go where I like.  You don’t own me.”

“That so?” Stephen asks.  I stare at him defiantly, even though he makes my knees feel like jelly.  “So if I order you to be in my quarters tonight…?”

“I’d be there,” I whisper, leaning close to him.  I watch his eyes dilate.  “But only because I want to be.”

“By the way, Chief Antonio, I’ve been getting complaints since you returned from Earth about your hair from the administrative board,” Stephen says.

“I’m not dying it,” I say.  “I like it pink.  It suits the new me.”

“The new you is a mother, for God’s sake,” Stephen says.  “You’re giving the army a bad name.”

“Oh, and having multiple affairs with your subordinates isn’t?” I snap.  “Although, the administrative board doesn’t know about that.  Yet.”

He sighed.  “See you in my cabin, Carlotta,” he says.

“We’ll see,” I say.  “Rochelle doesn’t do well with long separations.”  I follow my squad down the ladder.

What a penis.

.....

The shuttle ride Paz Nuevo is uneventful.  We take our Beta Blockers, even though we aren’t expecting any trouble.  It is supposed to be pretty much a ride in, fix some shit and ride back out sort of mission.  Even so, I can tell that Jupiter is feeling tense.  So I decide to lighten the mood.

“What’s black hairy, eats flies, and is sleeping with your mama?” I ask Bryan.

“A batarian,” Bryan says, rolling her eyes.  “You’ve already told us that one, ma’am.”

“Really?” I snap.  “You’ve been paying attention to my speeches?”

“Antonio, not now,” Jupiter says.

“Your mama was a batarian,” I mumble.

“Antonio…,” Major Jupiter says warningly.

“Sorry ma’am,” I say.  “So, your brother is going to ICT?”

“Yeah,” Major Jupiter says.

“Hear he’s a big hero now for getting a bunch of people killed,” I continue.

“Just shut up already Antonio.”

We land.  I climb up the ladder to the gun platforms.  “The targeting matrix is fried and the IFF is outdated,” I say into my com.  “This will take at least a couple of hours.”

“Just get it done, Antonio,” Major Jupiter replies.

“Aye fucking aye, ma’am,” I snap.  “What do you think I’m doing?”

I don’t understand why they’re promoting me, to be honest.

It took three hours for me to finish reprogramming the guns.  “I’m done,” I say into the com.  “On my way down now.”  I wait for a reply.  “I said ‘I’m done’,” I repeat.  Nada.  Not even a ‘Copy that’.

I climb down again to find Bryan, Stevens and Major Jupiter smoking.  “Why didn’t you reply to my transmission?” I ask.

“You sent a transmission?” Major Jupiter asks.

“Yes,” I say.

“We never got it,” Major Jupiter says, looking concerned.  “Are you sure you’re on the right channel?”

“I’ve served in this company for almost a year now,” I snap.  “I know which channel we operate on.”

“Which channel is that then?” Major Jupiter asks.

I sigh.  “AM 506.5,” I say.

Major Jupiter looks alarmed.  “Everest, this is Ground Team Alpha, come in please,” she says into her com.  There is a dead silence from the radio.  “Repeat, Everest, this is Ground Team Alpha, come in please,” she repeats.  There is no reply.  “Crap,” she mumbles.

The coms are being blocked.  There is a com tower on the other side of the town.  None of us are com specialists.

Crap indeed.

Major Jupiter is thrown off for maybe five seconds though.  She’s a very decisive officer, which is partly why I like her.

“The guns,” she mumbles.  “Come on, we need to move.”

We follow her away from the guns.  “Ma’am, as the next highest ranked marine here, what is the plan?” I ask politely.  I’m bad with people.  I’m a brilliant soldier.

“We need to get the com back up,” she says.  “There’s an outpost five minutes from here.  There’s bound to be a com specialist there.”

“Understood,” I say.  I draw my rifle though, because I’m getting a little edgy.  Stevens, who is my partner, follows suit.

We have walked for maybe a minute, when there’s a loud explosion from behind us and we are all thrown to the ground.

Major Jupiter is the first to find her feet again.  “Fuck,” she shouts.  It must be bad; she never swears.

I get up.  “Fuck,” I repeat.  The area where the guns had stood was one big crater.

“What the hell happened, Antonio?” she snaps.

“Why the fuck are you shouting at me?” I shout back.  “They must have found a way to block the gun’s IFF signal, just as they’re blocking our coms.”

“And you couldn’t have detected this?” she shouts even louder.  “You’re a weapon’s specialist.”

“No, I couldn’t, because on Luna Base we’re taught that IFFs are infallible and everyone knows you don’t question the Alliance,” I bellow.  “And right now you’re setting a very bad example because the spiders are waiting in orbit to bomb this place to hell and you’re busy yelling at me.”

“Right, let’s raise the alarm,” Major Jupiter mumbles.

It takes us approximately two minutes to run to the police station where the air raid siren is.  People are already streaming out of their houses towards the shelter by the time we get there. 

“Let’s get to the shelter and make sure everyone arrived safely,” Major Jupiter suggests.  I can tell that she’s out of her element.

“Aye aye,” Bryan says.

The Alliance, in its paranoia, has huge air-raid shelters built under every town where literally thousands of people can bunk out.  A town like Paz Nuevo could fit their entire population into one of these.

By the time we get there, almost everyone in the town has arrived, and the final residents arrive seconds after we do.

“Alright,” Major Jupiter calls.  “I am Major Luna Jupiter of the Alliance, and I am here to make sure that we all survive this.  Now, I want you to look around and see that your entire family is here.  Those that are missing people, raise your hands.”

Five pairs of hands shoot up.  “Antonio, look into this whilst I think of a plan,” Major Jupiter says.

I go to the first person, who is a young woman missing her husband.  I take his details and move on to the next person.  The fifth person is a young woman who I only recognise when she says: “Carla.”

“Holy shit,” I say.  “Therese.”

I have not visited my family since I enlisted when I was sixteen, six years ago.  My sister was ten then, small, tow-haired and skinny.  Now she was a beautiful young woman, dark-skinned, dark-haired and dark-eyed.

I look at her companions.  Yep, my brothers Daniel and Tomas, twenty and eighteen years old respectively are sitting on either side of them.  My mother is rocking herself and twisting her fingers next to Daniel, and next to her…my father.

Well this is awkward.  I’m not quite sure what to say.  “Where is Maria?” I ask.

“She was over at the park with some of her friends just before the siren rang,” Therese says.  “I spoke to her friends and they say she had left the park when the siren rang.  Somewhere between there and home she got lost.”

“I’ll look into it,” I say.  “You look good by the way.”

She can’t see my hair because I’m wearing a helmet, so she says sourly, “Thanks.  You look the way I remember you.”

She can’t really blame me for leaving though, I don’t think.  “I need to report to my CO,” I say.  “We should maybe talk later.”

“Whatever, Carla,” she mumbles.  Maybe she blames me a little.  I guess she had to take over much of my work when I left.

I go back to Major Jupiter.  “Done,” I say.

“Alright, we need those soldiers and we need weapons,” she says to me.  “I want you and Stevens to go and secure both.  You also need to find the missing people.”

“Ok, the soldiers I get, we need their help to repair the com tower,” I say.  “What do we need weapons for?”

“I’m going to give them to the civilians,” she answers.

“You’re going to give-what the fuck kind of a stupid fucking idea is that?” I say, my voice clearing two octaves.

“I’m sorry, Antonio, I know you grew up here, but this is the only way we can all get out of here alive,” she says.

“You’re worried about four marines?” I ask.  “Are you nuts or just stupid?  I guess some things run in the family.”

“Watch yourself, Gunnery Chief,” she snaps.  “I’m interested in every single person here getting out alive.  Now, take Stevens and go.  That’s an order.”

I glare at her, contemplating whether this was really worth a court-martial.  “Fine,” I snap.  “I hope you know that my father, mother, brothers and sisters are part of this cannon-fodder team you’re forming and if something happens to any of them, I will hold you personally responsible.”

“Deal, Antonio, now get the hell out of here,” she says.

I nod at Stevens to follow me, and we climb out of the shelter.  “Let’s go over the roofs,” I say.  “Easier for us to see.”

Snipers always prefer the higher ground.

The nice things about small towns on the colonies are they are all very small and close-packed.  It’s easy to climb over the roofs if you know what you’re doing. 

“Looks like the batarians are settling in nicely,” Stevens remarks, nodding to where the guns had been.  

A number of shuttles had landed there and were off-loading batarian soldiers.

“Fucking spiders,” I mumble. 

”How are we going to transport five civilians and a group of artillery soldiers back across the roofs to the shelter?” Stevens asks a few minutes later. 

“Buggered if I know,” I say.  I jump to the next roof and sigh with relief.  The outpost was in sight.  “Makos,” I say loudly.

“Beg pardon?” Stevens asks.

“We’ll take a Mako,” I answer.  A Mako is sort like a cross between a tank and a lorry and is used for most transport in the military.

“Won’t it draw the batarians’ attention?” he asks.

“So will a bunch of people on the roof,” I say.  “I doubt they’ll pay attention to one truck though.”

We reach the outpost and climb down to ground level.

“Who goes there?” a scared looking private asks.

“Alliance marines,” I say.  “I’m Gunnery Chief Carlotta Antonio of Company 6, Marine Corps Scout Snipers.  This here is my partner, Private Lance Stevens.  Can we speak to your CO?”

“What’s going on first?” the private asked.  “We can’t get anyone on coms.”

“Kid, I really need to speak to your CO,” I say patiently.  “Get the fuck outa my way before I shoot you.”

“Fine,” he snaps. 

“Calm down, there’s no need to be so touchy,” I say.  “Where can I find him?”

“Through the building, first door on your right.”

“Appreciate it,” I say.  “Come on, Stevens.”

I walk through the door and salute.  “Sir, we need your men and your weapons now,” I say.

“Gunnery Chief-?” the major asks questioningly.

“Carlotta Antonio, sir,” I say.  “I serve on the SSV Everest, in Company 6 of the Marine Corps Scout Snipers.  We need to move your men and your weapons off-base now.”

“Under who’s authority, Chief Antonio?” he asks.

“My CO, Major Luna Jupiter, N6,” I say.  “The batarians are blocking our coms and have hit the GARDIAN guns.  They’re landing planet-side now.  We have most of the civilians in the air-raid shelter, but we need to get the coms up again to call for backup.”

“Alright, I’ll raise everyone on the intercom,” the major says.  He presses a button on his desk and speaks into a microphone.  “I want everyone assembled in the yard in full battle gear in five minutes.  Bombardier Flech, I want every single sidearm in this base out in the yard.  How do you propose to transport us?” he asks me.

“Your Mako,” I say. 

“That’d make us a compelling target,” the major points out.

“So would a battalion of one hundred and fifty people marching to the centre of the town,” I point out.

“There are only thirty five of us,” the major says quietly.

For a moment I imagine myself very far away.  Somewhere on some desert island with a hunky man to carry me home.  It makes me feel better for about five seconds.

“I beg your pardon?” I ask.

“We’re a small base,” the major says.  “The Alliance did not think we are tactically significant.”

“How far is the next base?” I ask.

“Three hours by road,” he says.

“Any shuttles?” Stevens asks.  The major shakes his head.

“Fuck,” I scream.  The major looks kinda startled.  “Sorry sir,” I say.  “We’d better assemble.”

..... 

**And back to December: Marksmanship and December week**

I wasn’t too thrilled about having a swimming class with Cat, but Thursday night saw me dressed in my overlarge swimsuit in the basement of the gymnasium.

“I’m not actually surprised you lied about your height,” Cat said.  “You’ve always reminded me of a munchkin.”

“You’ve always reminded me of a dog’s bottom yet I don’t make a big deal about it, do I?” I yawned.

“Why are you always so rude, Shepard?” Cat snapped.  “I’ve only ever tried to help you.”

“Hello,” I said.  “You just called me a munchkin, how am I meant to respond?  Although I am impressed you know what a munchkin is, most people aren’t interested in anything from before the forties.”

“I love old books and movies,” Cat admitted.  “Anything pre-mass relay era is awesome.”

“Me too,” I said.  I narrowed my eyes.  “Wait a second, you were totally making fun of me last night for liking pre-mass relay stuff.  You’re not trying to get me to like you, are you?”

“Let’s get to the swimming lesson,” Cat said, rolling her eyes.  “This way, Shepard.”

She led the way to the edge of the pool.  “You do know this is the deep end, right?” I said apprehensively.

“Yes,” Cat said. 

“Good,” I said.  “Cos I can’t swim at a-, wah.”

With surprising speed, Cat pushed me into the water.  I panicked, swallowed a gallon of water, tried to claw my way to the surface, sank deeper, swallowed some more water, panicked some more and had my life flash before my eyes.  Oh well, it wasn’t long and it wasn’t perfect, but it was the only one I had.  I felt a pair of arms close around me and yank me upwards.  Thank you, Guardian Angel, I thought. 

Next second I was lying on my back, staring up at a bright light and trying desperately to draw breath into my lungs.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Shepard, get a grip,” a voice said above me.

I opened my mouth to tell the Guardian Angel to go screw itself, I had just had a near-death experience, but all that came out was an incoherent wheezing, which quickly escalated.  And I did what I always did when I had an asthma attack.  I panicked. 

I sat up and drew my knees to my chest, trying desperately to pump a bit of oxygen into my lungs. 

“Are you alright, Shepard?” Cat asked, now sounding concerned.  I gave a loud wheeze in reply.

Ok Jane, I told myself.  You have two choices: you can either die of an asthma attack out here in the pool and have people laugh at your funeral, or you ask McDougal for your pump and let her in on your big secret.

It was a tough choice.  Eventually, when it was clear that I was about to pass out I gasped out, “BOL…pump.”

Thank God she understood me.  She ran to where my BOL lay, dumped its contents on the floor and picked the pump up.  It took three sprays before my breathing slowed down again.

“What the fuck?” I gasped out.  “Were you trying to kill me?”

“Not at all,” Cat answered nonchalantly.  “It’s the best way to teach a person to swim.”

“Let me guess, your dad taught you,” I muttered.

“Yes,” Cat said.  “Are you asthmatic, Shepard?”

The moment of truth.  I decided to take the plunge.  “Yeah,” I said calmly.  I took one more hit from my pump, just to be safe.

“Do the admirals know?” Cat asked.

“Of course they know,” I lied.  “Do you honestly think I’d be able to get past the medical board with lungs like mine?”

“I suppose not,” she muttered.

“Oh good,” I said.  “Now, can you teach me to swim in a manner that is non-life-threatening?”

..... 

On Sunday we had our first turn in the combat simulator.  Something that we weren’t told about, but that we probably should have known was the fact that this was to be broadcast live all over Alliance space.  Every December we looked forward to watching poor little grunts get absolutely massacred in the survival simulator and hope and pray that the remaining eighteen months turn them into better soldiers.

The main purpose of the survival simulator was (obviously) to survive.  We were sent out in full body armour and armed with a side arm and our weapon of choice.  The terrain changed each year: sometimes it was ice, sometimes warehouses, sometimes volcanic.  Enemies showed up, we had to shoot them, they shot at us.  If we were hit, it felt like an electric shock running through our systems.  Too many shocks and we passed out.  The goal was to survive the longest.  The record was four and a half minutes, held by one Carlotta Antonio who had graduated five years ago.

Oh, and we went in alone, so we could not even rely on our team mates to keep us alive.  It was all up to us.  We went in our rankings in the class, those with the lowest combat and weapons and armoury scores went first.  As I was ranked top in weapons and armoury and third below Kaidan and Ash in hand-to-hand combat, I was to go last.

We all waited in the Annexe.  We weren’t allowed to leave unsupervised, and a senior came to escort the next person into the simulator.

“I wouldn’t be nearly as nervous if we were actually sort of given a clue as to what to expect,” Ash said at some point after lunch.  Once the grunt had left to go to the simulator, he didn’t come back into the Annexe.

“Ok, well a few tips,” Cat said.  “Daddy says that the reason that people don’t do well here is because they don’t adequately use their weapons and because they put too much stock into their training.”

“So, you go with instincts?” I said slyly.

She frowned.  “Fuck you, Shepard,” she snapped.

“You mean a lot to me too,” I said as she stalked off.  “Anyway, she’s right.  My father made us watch this every year, and he said that the grunts tend to rely on only one of their weapons: either their pistol, or their special weapon.”

“So what do you suggest?” Kaidan asked.

“Well, rifle versus pistol is easy enough,” I said.  “Rifle at distance, pistol up close.”

“What about me?” Ash asked.

“Well, a shotgun is more powerful, but slower to use,” I said.  “I’d only use it if you have very few enemies close to you.  Otherwise, go for the pistol.”

“Williams,” a voice called.  It was O’Neal.

“Yeah?” Ash asked.

“You’re up,” he said.  “Come on.”

“Fuck,” Ash mumbled.

I hugged her.  “Good luck, It Girl,” I said.

“Get stuffed, Janey,” she said, hugging me back.  “See you on the other side.”

Kaidan and I sat in silence for a while.  “Do people die in these things?” he asked eventually.

“Not that I’ve ever seen,” I said.  “It’s electric shocks.  You’ll pass out before they can do any permanent damage.”

“I wonder what kind of effect this is going to have on my implant,” he mumbled.

“Oh,” I said.  “Electrical build-up, huh?”

“Yup,” Kaidan said.  “I think it’ll either cause me to have a fit or it’ll make my biotics stronger.”

“Are you allowed to use your biotics in this sort of thing?” I asked.

“Nope,” Kaidan said.  “Not here anyway.  Admiral Brawne said I can use biotics in future sims, but this one is all about surviving with the weapons you have.”

“But your biotics are a natural weapon you have,” I protested.

“Yeah, I said the same,” Kaidan said.  “He said that I would have an unfair advantage over you normal humans.”

“So, instead you’ll have an epileptic fit?” I asked.

“Yeah, something like that,” Kaidan grimaced.  “How do you reckon Ash did?”

“I think she did well,” I answered.  “She’s a good soldier, even if she doesn’t want to be here.”

“Why’s she here then?” Kaidan asked.

“To protect me,” I said.  “Apparently I have the makings of a psychopath.”

Kaidan laughed.  “I know psychopaths, Jane,” he said.  “You still have a long way to go.”

He was called an hour later.  By this stage, only a dozen recruits were left in the room.  I passed the time by obsessively checking and rechecking my equipment, and trying not to worry about the sim.  My only wish was to last for longer than thirty seconds.  After that, I didn’t really care.

Cat was the third last person to go into the sims.  When O’Neal came to fetch a hulking Pod 2 grunt, he said, “McDougal broke Lieutenant Antonio’s record by ten and a half seconds.”

Well, bully for her.  I was still stuck as the grand finale.  People were expecting a lot from me.  I paced frantically up and down the Annexe.  “Will you please get a grip?” Marika, who had been keeping an eye on us, snapped.

“No,” I said.  “I’m about to embarrass the Shepard name by being knocked out within the first five seconds.”

“Lovey, I remember your father, and I don’t think you can do much more to embarrass the Shepard name,” she said tiredly.

Huh.  Most people didn’t remember my father.  The unmemorable Lieutenant.  The fact that he served with the fleet was miraculous.

O’Neal returned.  “Shepard, you’re up,” he said.

“Great,” I squeaked, and followed him outside.

..... 

I was in a large warehouse.  There were piles of crates everywhere.  The ceiling was high with a long beam running across it.  A ladder led up to it.  Nothing seemed to be happening, so I went over to one of the crates and opened it.  It was filled with grenades.  Wonderful, simulated explosives to add effect to an already crappy situation.

There was a loud explosion from somewhere ahead of me, and I dropped down onto my stomach.  Just as well, because a bullet whizzed over my head.  I drew my rifle and leopard-crawled over to the nearest crate and took cover behind it.  I counted five, and peeped over.  The shooter was a batarian, who was standing about fifty yards away.  He saw my head and shot at it.  I ducked down again, put my rifle away and got out my pistol.  I counted five again, stood up and shot the batarian in the head.  The DP with Admiral Greyling must’ve worked after all.

Four more batarians popped out from behind cover ahead of me, and I ducked down again.  Admiral Brawne had taught us to look at what weapons the enemy was using, count the number of bullets they shot, then pop out when they duck down to reload.  I didn’t use this method for a number of reasons.  Firstly, I couldn’t see whether the batarians were using Vindicator or Avenger Assault Rifles.  Secondly, I seemed to recall that Vindicator and Avengers were both human brands and the batarians were unlikely to use them.  Thirdly, the shots were being fired so quickly that I’d be unlikely to keep count of them in any case.  Instead I waited for a gap in the fire, and popped up and took two down before they realised what had happened.  I repeated the process, vaulted the crate and moved forward.  Soon more batarians appeared ahead of me, and I ducked down behind a new crate.

I took my rifle out again, and gunned at them.  I’d taken down about ten when I felt a sharp shock in my shoulder.  I turned.  About fifteen batarians were running towards me.

“Fuck,” I mumbled.

I shot at the crates in front of them, and covered my eyes as they exploded.  Well, that took care of that, although I was sure that there would be more.  What I needed was a strategic advantage.  The ladder to the beam was about twenty meters to my right, but even if I made it up the ladder without being shot to pieces, there was no cover on the beam.  What I needed was a wall…

I rolled to a crate to my right, shot the lock off it, grabbed a grenade, pulled the pin out with my teeth and chucked it at the batarians ahead of me.  The grenade blew a good number of them up and I was on my feet and running away from them, towards the fires started by the explosions whilst the rest of them scrambled to reorganise themselves.

I had made quite a distance (how big was the damned warehouse?), when my lungs started giving way.  A few seconds later I felt a shock in my lower back.  I took cover and glanced over my shoulder.  Yup, they were back.  Ahead of me, more batarians were materialising.

Come on, Jane, find a way.  I shot more crates ahead of me, but instead of blowing up, a white powder floated into the air.  Ok, clearly no more exploding crates.  I was shocked twice more, once in the arm and once in the stomach.  My brain was going fuzzy.  New plan.

I vaulted the crate, gave a loud scream and started running towards the batarians, shooting all the while.

I was shot five times more, and fell to my knees.  On your feet, Shepard, I told myself.  I pulled myself painfully upright, was shot twice more and blacked out.

 .....

“That was amazing.”

“Never thought I’d see something like that.”

“Did you see?  Used one shot per target.  Not even the most seasoned soldiers manage that.”

“What’s the big deal?  All she did was blow shit up.”

My head was pounding.  I wondered vaguely if this was how Kaidan felt all the time.

“Wow, people are not going to be happy.  Antonio has quite a fan base.”

I opened my eyes.  I was lying on the ground in the Annexe.  Half of Pod 3 was crowded around me along with Admirals Brawne, Hackett and Greyling and Lieutenant Jupiter.

“Jane,” Ash, who was white as a sheet and appeared to have fingernail marks down her face, squeaked.  “Are you alright?”

“No,” I answered, groaning.  “My head feels like it’s going to explode.  What happened to your face?”

“Nothing,” she answered.

“Ok, hit me with your worst shot,” I said.  “How crap did I do?”

“What makes you think you were crap?” Kaidan asked.

“Well, the admirals are all crowded around me,” I said.  “They’re probably preparing to punch the shit out of me.  It’s ok, I can take it.”

“Oh, Shepard,” Admiral Greyling laughed.  “You are a challenging individual.”

“Thank you, sir,” I said.  “I think.  Whenever you’re ready.  I have a high pain threshold; I can handle quite a bit of punishment.”

“Well, that’s probably a good thing, because you are liable to be punched sometime in the near future,” Admiral Brawne said.

“Yes sir, I know,” I said.  “I imagine either Admiral Greyling or Admiral Hackett will be doing the punching, they seem the strongest.”

“No, actually it’ll be First Lieutenant Carlotta Antonio,” Admiral Brawne said.  For some reason Admiral Hackett winced.

The name was familiar.  “Er, who?” I asked.

“The woman whose record you just beat by a minute and ten seconds,” Bridget said.

I wasn’t sure what the correct response to this was.  “Oh,” I said. 

Ash rolled her eyes.  “You just got the highest time ever in the simulator,” she said.  “The admirals are just here to congratulate you.”

I still couldn’t think of a good response.  “Oh,” I repeated.  I rubbed my forehead, which felt bruised.  I must have fallen face first when I passed out.  “Why will Lieutenant Antonio punch me?  It wasn’t even her record I broke.”

“I don’t know, Stephen, why do you think she’ll be angry?” Admiral Greyling snapped, glaring at Admiral Hackett.  “She serves on your ship after all.”

O-k, this was weird.

“Lieutenant Antonio is a…colourful individual,” Admiral Hackett said after a pause.  “She’s very competitive, and would not be thrilled with the fact that you beat her.  We warned Junior Recruit McDougal too.”

“So if she’s uncontrollable, why is she still serving?” Ismaeel asked interestedly.

“Well, it’s complicated, and, well…,” Admiral Hackett trailed off into an awkward silence.

“She’s very good,” Lieutenant Jupiter said angrily.  “My sister’s in the same platoon as her.  You shouldn’t question your superior officers, Khan.”

“Sorry, sir,” Ismaeel said.

“So, can I go now, or is there anything else you need from me?” I asked.

“You may go,” Admiral Brawne said regally.

Ash helped me up.  “Come on,” she said.

Kaidan followed us outside.

“What the hell was that about?” I asked, lighting a cigarette.  I had the makings of a serious nicotine addict by this stage.

“They did the same thing after McDougal broke the record,” Kaidan said musingly.  “It was seriously weird.”

“I think it has something to do with Admiral Hackett,” Ash said thoughtfully.

“What makes you say that?” I asked.

“He and Admiral Greyling argued outside whilst McDougal was coming to,” Ash explained.  “Admiral Hackett said something about knowing her best.  Admiral Greyling then accused him of being inappropriate and said if he heard anything like this again, he’d have him court-marshalled.”

“Wow,” Kaidan mumbled.  “Sounds like Admiral Hackett’s been spreading his wild oats where it’s not meant to go.”

“Yup, and it sounds like Admiral Greyling isn’t too thrilled with it either,” I said.  “Did I seriously break the record?”

“Yup, you are officially a champion at survival,” Ash said.  “Congrats, you might even get a training medal.”

“Wonderful,” I mumbled.  “As if I didn’t need any more pressure.”

“You’ll be great, Jane,” Ash said.  “You always are.”

.....

Except for the times I’m not.  When I’m not great, I tend not to be average.  I’m an all-or-nothing kind of gal.  So, when I screw up, I screw up big time.  After the marksmanship competition Mzu found me.  “Damn, Shepard, I should have taken you up on that bet after all.”

“Get lost,” I muttered.

“Come on, Janey,” Ash said soothingly, rubbing my arm.  “You just had a bad day, that’s all.”

It was more than that though.  Riding hard on my brilliant performance in the combat simulator, I received top marks in a language test.  This wasn’t such a big deal though, language was one of my stronger points.  A few days later though, I did exceptionally well in a tech test where we had to hack into a network through a terminal that had been in the presence of the network in the past, but was not currently connected to the network.  The next day I got top marks in both a history test and a navigation practical.  By this stage I was panicking.  I was mediocre at best, everyone in my family knew this.  Now that I was doing well though, all my trainers were expecting exceptional work from me.  For the first time ever I had empathy for Jean.  It wasn’t easy having all that riding on you.  I found myself wondering how she had coped with it.

On the morning of the competition I was cornered firstly by Admiral Greyling, then by a scary reporter from Channel Four on the Alliance News Network.

“I just want to say, Shepard, good luck,” Admiral Greyling said. “We’re expecting good work from you today.”

“Thank you sir,” I said numbly, saluting.  He nodded and walked off.  As if things weren’t bad enough, the admirals were now expecting good work from me.

“Are we live?” a voice asked from behind me.

I turned and nearly walked straight into a dark-skinned dark haired woman with a cameraman standing behind her.

“Pardon me,” I said, making to go around her.

“Junior Recruit Jane Shepard?” she asked.

“Yes?” I asked, puzzled.  “Can I help you?”

“Khalisa Bin Senan Al Jelani, Alliance News Network Channel Four,” she said.  “Can I have a moment of your time?  It’s about your performance in the combat simulator two weeks ago.”

“No,” I said shortly.

“I beg your pardon?” Khalisa asked, taken aback.

“No, you can’t have a moment of my time,” I said.

“But-but-why?” Khalisa spluttered.

“Look, lady, all I did was survive a crappy simulator designed to train sixteen year olds,” I said.  “It isn’t like I did something world-shattering like single-handedly save an entire city from almost certain destruction, or discover the cure to Luckhoff’s Syndrome.  I survived the longest.  That’s it.  Now, if you’ll excuse me.”

..... 

I only hit the target twice.  Afterwards it’d be hysterical to me.  Statistically speaking, I was the worst shot in the entire academy.  Even Kyle managed to hit the targets more than five times.  There was this massive silence after I was done, and the announcer, Shane Templesmith, said, “Ladies and gentlemen, Junior Recruit Shepard.”

I went back to where Kaidan and Ash were sitting.  “What the hell happened?” Kaidan demanded, looking angry.

I glared at him.  “Like I need this right now,” I snapped.

“Come off it, Shepard, you’re the best shot in this damn place,” Kaidan replied.  “This thing was in the bag for you.  Now McDougal’s going to win and we’ll have to suffer her smug face.”

“Maybe you haven’t heard Alenko, but no one is perfect,” I said angrily.  “Least of all me.”

“Enough,” Ash said tiredly.  “Stop fighting.”

At that moment, the person I definitely did not want to see came wondering over.  “Hey baby,” Kasuumi said, plonking herself beside Kaidan.

“Wow, Kasuumi, you’re here, hey,” Kaidan said, looking flustered.  I frowned.

“Who are these girls?” Kasuumi asked, slinging her legs over Kaidan’s lap.

“Um, these are my friends, Ashley Williams, and, er, Jane Shepard,” Kaidan said.  “Gals, this is Kasuumi Dranne, the-,”

“We know who she is,” I interrupted.  “Nice to finally meet you, Kasuumi.  Kaidan hardly ever talks of you.”

At that moment Ash’s name was announced and she got up.  “Be nice,” she warned me.  “Nice to meet you Kasuumi.”

“Yeah, good luck,” I mumbled.

“Bad luck on the range there,” Kasuumi said, turning her large black eyes onto me.  “I guess you’re not nearly as great as Kay makes out.”

Kaidan gave an uncomfortable laugh.  “Oh, Kaidan talks about me often, does he?” I asked, narrowing my own eyes.  “Wow, I had no idea I meant that much to him.”

“Kasuumi wants to join up next year,” Kaidan interrupted, sounding nervous. 

“Really?” I asked.  “Which division?”

“Special forces,” Kasuumi said.  “I figure if midgets can get in, a non-human has a pretty strong chance.”

“You’d never survive a day in special forces,” I snapped.  “People don’t pander you around here, you actually have to do things for yourself.”

“I’m sure you do,” Kasuumi said boredly.  “Kay, I’m feeling quite horny.  Let’s go make out in the bathroom.”

“Ok,” Kaidan said, getting up.  “Will you be alright, Jane?”

“Sure,” I snapped.  “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“See you later then,” Kaidan said.  He hesitated.  “If someone asks after me, will you run interference?” he asked tentatively.

“I guess,” I said.  “See you at roll-call.”

He nodded and followed Kasuumi away.  I stayed seated long enough to watch Ash shoot her way into tenth place before getting sick of the lot of them and getting up to walk away.

I’d just made it out of the door of the shooting range when I heard someone behind me shout, “Oy, you.”

“What now?” I groaned, turning.

Behind me stood a dark-skinned woman with round, dark eyes, full lips, a Chinese bob that was dyed a garish shade of pink.  She was wearing her formal blues with lieutenant stripes.  “Oh, I beg your pardon, ma’am,” I said, jumping to attention.

“Whatever,” she said.  “So, I was worried that you might actually turn out to be good, but after seeing that performance I’ve realised there’s nothing to fear.”

“Pardon me?” I asked.  “Oh, you must be Lieutenant Antonio.  I saw you on the news.”

“Yeah, you and everyone else in the Alliance,” Lieutenant Antonio said.  “I take it the admirals warned you of my…violent disposition.  Admiral Greyling has always been concerned that I’m too undisciplined to go far in the marines.  Anyway, that’s not the issue here.  You beating my record is.  So…”

She swung her fist upwards. It connected perfectly with my chin and sent me flat on my back.  I sat up and spat a mouthful of blood out.

“Goddamnit, standards are dropping,” Lieutenant Antonio said angrily.  “In the old days, when I was a grunt and I punched another grunt, she’d usually run crying to her parents.”

“My parents are dead,” I said.

“Oh,” Lieutenant Antonio frowned.  “Oh well.  Just know, I will be watching you very closely from now on.”

“Understood,” I said, spitting another mouthful of blood out before getting to my feet and standing to attention.  “Will that be all, ma’am?”

“Yes, Junior Recruit whatever your name is, that’ll be all.”

I saluted and left. 

..... 

The next morning we got to sleep until eight.  After breakfast we were given our service uniforms which we had to wear at all times when we were out in public, and were shepherded into the Annexe for a final assembly.  Cat, Kaidan and I were all called to the front of the room to receive awards for excellence.  Nina was practically floating with joy.  The mark readings were good.  Ash was seventh in the pod, thirtieth out of all the junior recruits.  I was fifth in the pod, below Cat, Ismaeel, Bridget and Kaidan, and tenth in the year.  Kaidan was top, and apparently headed for Grissom Academy in March.  Cat and I were both being sent to Luna-base for specialised weapons’ training.  No one else in Pod 3 was being sent to a specialist school.

Then Admiral Greyling announced the potential officership training candidates.  Pods 1 and 2 were both predictably large and male.  “For Pod 3 we have a bit of a change,” he said.  “As you know, the top four recruits in the pod are traditionally candidates.  However, we feel that our fifth-ranked recruit, Jane Shepard, has better aptitude scores, and will therefore be a candidate along with Kaidan Alenko, Catlin McDougal and Ismaeel Khan.”

“Ouch,” Ash mumbled in my ear.

Bridget didn’t seem to care though.  She just continued whispering in Mikhail’s ear, who sniggered loudly.

Finally, we were released.  We piled into the shuttles that stood waiting for us.  “So, no doubt Tilda’s going to take us to some fancy restaurant tonight because she can afford to,” Bridget said, activating her omnitool.  “Wow, one and a half thousand messages.  You should join us, Alenko.”

“I can’t,” Kaidan said.  “I’m taking Kasuumi out tonight.”

“You are?” I asked somewhat frostily.

“Yeah,” Kaidan said.  “Thing is, I’m kind of nervous.  I don’t have much money, and I’m worried she’s going to expect some kind of five star treatment.”

I sighed.  “Unless she’s incredibly shallow, she won’t mind,” I said.  “Just take her somewhere nice.  It’s your company that matters most to her.”

“Try Café Presse,” Ash said.  “It’s on 12th avenue.  I know for a fact it’s lucky in love.”

“How do you know that?” Kaidan asked.

“Pedro, my boyfriend, took me there when we came here last April,” Ash said.  “It’s reasonably priced and the food is divine.”

“Well, hopefully Matilda will take us to The Walrus and the Carpenter,” Bridget said, her eyes on her omnitool.  “Best food ever.  ‘You are the lucky winner of our ‘best bod’ competition.  You have won two million credits.  Please reply to this email with your bank details and we will’…not a fucking hope in hell.”

I checked my own emails.  Among the eight hundred emails that I had received was copious junk mail, a number of emails from my parents’ lawyer requesting a meeting and a message from Jason.

“’Hey Janey,’,” it read.  “’Merry Christmas.  I know you won’t get it for another couple of days, but I programmed it here in Sur’Kesh.  Have a good December week.  Jason.’”

I opened the attachment and a small, glowing white ball popped out of my omnitool.

“Hey there shitface,” it said. 

“Hey you,” I said cautiously.  “What are you?”

“I’m a Virtual Intelligence shell programmed by the amazingly awesome and talented Jason Terrence Shepard,” it said.  “Merry Christmas.”

“Thanks,” I said.  “Jason programmed you?”

“Yes,” the VI said.

“Wow, that’s pretty badass,” I said.  “Did he give you a name?”

“My name is Freddie,” the VI said.

I sighed.  “Of course it is,” I said.

“Huh,” Kaidan said.  “Your brother is way cooler than I originally thought.”

..... 

It was weird for me to see my fellow grunts greeting their family members at Seattle Midtown Shuttle Station, knowing that that would never be me.  Ash put her arm around me.

“Kaidan,” a young girl with curly dark hair shouted excitedly.

“Lees,” Kaidan said, grinning as the girl flung her arms around him.

All around people were excitedly greeting their family.  “This sucks,” I mumbled.

“Yeah,” Ash said.

“Guys, you have to meet my family,” Kaidan said, turning to us.  “These are my sisters: Elise, Tracey and Abbie.”  Abbie, the oldest one, snapped her gum and scowled at us.  The two younger girls smiled.  “And this is my mom, who you have already met.”

“Nice to meet you,” I said, holding my hand out.

“This is Jane and that’s Ashley,” Kaidan continued.  “And before you say it, no Mom, I’m not sleeping with either of them.”

“Gross and uncalled for, dipshit,” Abbie said. 

“You’re the dipshit, Ab,” Kaidan said.  “Is Dad at work?”

Bridget was passionately kissing a short, dark woman.  “Money says that’s Matilda,” I mumbled to Ash.

“I should bloody well hope so,” Ash answered.

“Listen, I gotta run,” Kaidan said.  “My date’s at six and I need to get ready.”

“Do you want to invite your friends for dinner tomorrow night?” Mrs Alenko asked.

“I don’t know, Mom,” Kaidan said hesitantly.

“Your dad’s been watching his drinking,” Mrs Alenko said.  “And he’s got a big job on at the moment.”

“Yeah, alright,” Kaidan said.  “Do you gals want to come to dinner tomorrow night at my place?”

“Sure, why not?” Ash said.

“Yeah,” I said.  “That’d be great.”

“Awesome,” Kaidan said.  “I’ll be in touch tomorrow morning most likely.  Have fun with Fredrich.  Don’t let her squash you.”

“Yeah, have fun with Kasuumi,” I answered.  “If you can drag her away from the mirror long enough to see her.”

“Get stuffed, Jane,” Kaidan grinned.  He followed his family out of the station.

Bridget finally broke away from Matilda.  “Hey Tilda, these are Jane and Ashley,” she said, pointing at us.  “Williams, Shepard, this is my girlfriend, Matilda Michel.”

“Nice to finally meet you,” I said.  “Fredrich hardly ever shuts up about you.”

“Nice to meet you too,” Matilda said, grinning.  “Car’s waiting outside.  You can drop your things off before we go out.”

..... 

Bridget and Matilda’s flat may have only had two bedrooms, but it was filled with some of the classiest gadgets we had ever seen.  “Hot tub,” Ash squealed.  “They had this on this resort Mamma and I went to the year before she died.”

“Is that a Ukalese terminal?” I asked.  “Jason won’t shut up about them.”

Freddie popped its head out of my omnitool.  “It is, numb nuts,” it said.  “The Ukalese 5B.  It’s processing power is twelve per cent faster than the 5A.”

“What’s that?” Matilda asked.

“My VI,” I said.  “My brother programmed it and gave it to me for Christmas.”

“Oh, Shep, that’s something you and my darling girlfriend have in common,” Bridget said, leading Ash and me into the spare bedroom.  “You both choose to believe that some fantasy deity watches and protects us.”

“Yes, Jet, and you believe that this galaxy somehow miraculously formed itself,” Matilda said.  She rolled her eyes at me.  “Sorry, it’s only one bed.  My sisters are the only ones who’ve ever stayed with us in the past and they share a bed back home too.”

“That’s cool,” I said.  “Ash and I shared a bed when we stayed on Terra Nova.”

“Yeah, and as I recall you kicked the crap out of me all night every night,” Ash said.  “I have no idea how Jean could stand sharing a bed with you for sixteen years.”

“She kicked back,” I said.  “Twice as hard.”

“Yeah, maybe I should try that,” Ash mumbled as her omnitool rang.  “Williams here,” she said answering it.  “Sorry, that was very formal, I’ve just spent the last five months of my life at Del Sol Academy.”

“So your step-dad owns Nevos?” I asked, putting my pack down.

“Technically he owns the company on Nevos,” Matilda corrected.

“And I suppose that’s quite different,” I said, taking my pyjamas and toiletries out of my pack.

“Not really, no,” Matilda said, considering.  “Marco just prefers us to make that distinction.  Apparently company owner gets a better reaction.”

“Yeah, people tend to faun less,” Bridget said from the doorway.

Ash hung up her call.  Her face was bloodless.  “That was my dad’s wife,” she said in a trembling voice.

There was a stunned silence.  “I thought your mother was dead,” Bridget ventured.

“No, my parents were never married,” Ash said, tugging at a loose hair hanging over her forehead.  “Look it’s complicated.  Basically my parents were both married when they met and had a fling.  My mom’s husband left her when I was born white.  They’re Cape Coloureds,” she explained at Matilda’s questioning look.  “I’m sure Pa’s wife knew about me, but we never met.  I stayed on the ship or with Jane’s family when he took leave and I didn’t go to my father’s funeral.  Anyway, that was her.  Mareli.”

“What did she want?” I asked.

“Apparently she’s mad that Pa didn’t leave me anything in his will,” Ash answered.  “She wants to meet to talk about this.  Tomorrow morning, she said.  Did you know Pa has a daughter the same age as me?  Inga.  He had a younger daughter too.  Her name’s Sara and she’s twelve.”

“I’m sorry, Ash,” I said.

She shrugged.  “Will you come with me, Janey?” she asked.  “I’ll need some moral support.”

“Of course,” I said.  “I need to go to the lawyer, to get whatever my parents left me, so we can go from there.”

“Wow, this is a cheerful conversation,” Bridget said.  “Are you guys sure you want to go out, or shall we stay here, watch Sisterhood and eat raw cookie dough?  Because I don’t mind either way.”

“It’s really a good thing you aren’t becoming a doctor, Fredrich,” I said.  “Your bedside manner is atrocious.”

“Yeah, yeah, Matilda’s the nicer of the two of us, same as you’re the bigger smart arse out of you and Williams,” Bridget said.  “Can we go eat, please?  I’ve eaten crackers and yoghurt for so long now I might get sick if I see either again.”

.....

The Walrus and the Carpenter had to be one of the scariest places I’d ever been to.  It was very clean, very fancy and very much not a place I felt comfortable in.  The aperitif was served by a waiter in a black suit who wore a disapproving air about him.

“Probably not used to soldiers coming in here,” Ash said.

“Yeah,” I said.  “Hey, I wonder if there’s an academy for waiters.”

“There is,” Bridget said.  “Called the Alliance Open University I Need to Pay My Fees Academy.  I used to be a waitress.   It sucked humungous balls.”

“No kidding,” I mumbled.

Matilda ordered Thessian baralia, an asari sparkling wine.  “What do you guys want to eat?” she asked as the disapproving waiter poured the wine out.

“Anything that doesn’t have egg in it,” I said.  “I have an allergy.”

“No shit?” Bridget asked.  “Why didn’t your parents get you to have gene therapy?”

“They were Catholic,” I explained.  “Also, I don’t think they could afford it.”

“So, you know the mandatory gene therapy we have to go through when we graduate?” Bridget asked.

“Wait, what now?” Matilda asked.

“Increases bone and muscle density, boosts immune system, enhances vision, increases blood clotting speed and heightens the fight and flight response,” I explained.  “And in anticipation of your question, Fredrich, no, I’m not going to do it.  The Alliance gets what it gets and it don’t get upset.”

“Well, how about oysters to start?” Matilda asked.  “No egg there.”

“Why not?” Ash said, grinning.

“Never had oysters before,” I said.  “Come to think of it, most things that aren’t porridge, spam, baked beans, yoghurt and crackers are a novelty to me.”

“Oysters it shall be then,” Matilda said. 

I didn’t enjoy the oysters all that much.  They got stuck between my teeth and made me gag as they went down.

“You aren’t supposed to chew them,” Bridget explained.

Of course not, why didn’t I think of that sooner?  Once I’d gotten over this technical difficulty, I found them more enjoyable, but they weren’t anywhere near my top ten meals of all time.  The fact that my top ten meals of all time consisted of two meals was somewhat depressing, but I figured that since I was only sixteen, I still had time.

I had tuna and vegetables for my main course, but skipped on desert as I was getting full.

“That was amazing,” Ash sighed.

“Sure was,” Bridget said.  “Shall we catch some shut eye or party the night away?”

“Party,” Ash said.

“Definitely,” Matilda agreed.

“Shep?” Bridget asked.

“The last time I went partying I ended up macking with a complete stranger in a back alley,” I said.

“Don’t worry Jane,” Ash laughed.  “I’ll look after you.”

“Yeah, you said that the last time,” I said.

“And as I recall I broke Jem’s nose,” Ash said.  “Come on, Janey, please?”

I sighed, half-exasperated, half-amused.  “Oh, fine,” I said.

“Yay,” Ash said.  “You’re the bestest bestie ever.”

“Oh God, I’m going to regret this, aren’t I?” Bridget sighed.

..... 

The club we went to was called Over the Stars, and was found in Fremont.  Matilda got us a booth near the dance floor.  “What do you guys want?” Bridget asked.

“Anything that isn’t a cosmopolitan,” I said.

“Yeah, no kidding,” Bridget said.  “You don’t strike me as the Cosmo type.  I used to work in a bar, so I can usually tell what a person likes.”

“Yeah?” I asked.  “Get me whatever you think is right for me.”

“Done,” Bridget said.  “Williams?”

“Mojito,” she said.

“And a margarita for me,” Matilda said. 

“Yeah, shatz, I know,” Bridget sighed.  She disappeared towards the bar.

“So what’s Del Sol like?” Matilda asked.

Ash and I looked at each other.  “That’s a question I will only answer if I am severely drunk,” I said.  “No offence.  There are just some things that are better unsaid.”

Matilda, in her wisdom, left it at that.  “What’s Citadel University like though?” Ash asked.  “I was thinking of going there.”

“It’s ok,” Matilda shrugged.  “A lot of work.  What would you have studied?”

Ash shrugged.  “See, this is how Ash rolls,” I teased.  “She has, in the almost five years that I’ve known her, changed her planned career at least twenty times.”

“I have not,” Ash protested weakly.

“Marine biologist,” I said, ticking them off on my fingers.  “Dancer.  Artist.  Diplomat.  Explorer.  Space merchant.  Swimsuit model.  Pole dancer.  Chocolatier.  Dog trainer.  News reporter.”

“That’s only eleven, dumb shit,” Ash said.

“Saving my best moves for later,” I said.

“So, why are you in the marines then?” Matilda asked.

“Allegedly to protect me,” I said.  “Why I’d need protection though, is another story.”

“Let’s do a roll-call of your achievements to date, Jane,” Ash said, sarcastically.

“Let’s not,” I mumbled.  Thankfully Bridget arrived then with our drinks. 

“Eine margarita for the pretty lady who I hope is single,” she said, handing the glass to Matilda.  “A mojito for the one with the long legs.  And a gin and tonic for the midget with the creepy eyes.”

“Go fuck yourself, Fredrich,” I mumbled, accepting the drink.

“My pleasure, Shep,” she said.  “Hey, Tilda, how tall would you say Shepard is?”

Matilda scrutinised me, her dark eyes narrowed.  “Four foot eleven,” she said at last.  “If not shorter.”

“Wow,” Ash said, sipping her drink.  “You just did what a professional medic, three admirals and a dozen trainers were unable to do.”

“What do you mean?” Matilda asked.  I sipped my drink in a dignified silence.  It was actually pretty tasty, and it had this handy bitter after taste to remind me that it was alcoholic.

“Jane lied about her height when she joined up,” Ash explained.  “Fooled everyone.  She only told Admiral Greyling, the marine admiral recently that she’s a lot shorter than she said she was.”

“Impressive,” Matilda said, sounding impressed.  See?  “Although, I have to say, military doctors are notoriously bad.”

“Nice to know,” Bridget said.

A little after the second drink, they all got up to dance.  I wasn’t nearly drunk enough or confident enough to join them, so I stood on the edge and sort of bopped my head a bit.

“Not dancing?” a man asked, coming to stand next to me.

“I guess the observational skills of average Joe are better than we originally thought,” I said, turning to him.

He was pretty good looking, tall and skinny.  He smiled at me, flashing a dimple.  “Gcina Nceba,” he said, holding his hand out.

“Junior Recruit Jane Shepard,” I said, shaking his hand.  “Can you run that name by me again?  My best friend is South African and she’d hate me if I mispronounced it.”

“Gcina Nceba,” he repeated.

“G-cina In-ceba,” I said.

“Close enough,” he grinned, flashing that darn dimple again.  “You here on leave?”

“Yup,” I said.  “I wanted to get to Eden Prime, but they said Earth might be invaded, in which case I’d be needed to prop up a barricade.  Just kidding, Earth won’t be invaded any time soon.”

“Yeah, I figured,” he said.  I blushed.  “So you’re a recruit, huh?”

I nodded.  “Training at Del Sol, for all the good it’s doing me,” I said.  “You live here?”

“For now,” Gcina said, nodding.  “I’m studying chemistry at University of Washington.  For all the good it’s doing me.  So, why aren’t you dancing?”

“I’m known for my skills at turning the most basic rhythm into a train wreck,” I said.  “Why aren’t you dancing?”

“Dancing alone sucks,” Gcina said.  “I’m looking for the right girl to dance with.”

Doh.  I hoped he wasn’t referring to me.  He was way too cute, and my bad dancing might scare him off.

At that moment my lovely best friend appeared at my shoulder.  “Got a problem there, boet?” she asked.

“Ash,” I groaned, but Gcina was already backing away.

“Uh no problem, ma’am,” he said nervously.

“Good, because if you lay one hand on my friend, I may cut that hand off,” Ash said fiercely.  She added something in Afrikaans that sounded like “Ek gat joe doot stick.”  Gcina looked even more terrified and gave me a pleading look.

“Ash!” I said sharply.  “It’s ok.  Gcina, this is my friend Junior Recruit Ashley Williams.  Ash, this is Gcina Nceba, chemistry student at University of Washington.”

Ash regarded him suspiciously for a few moments more before holding her hand out.  “Nice to meet you,” Gcina said soberly.  “You must be the South African friend Recruit Shepard here mentioned earlier.”

Recruit Shepard?  That was unnecessarily formal.

“I must be,” Ash said.  “I’ll probably get back to the dance floor, but if you hurt her, I’ll hurt you ten times as bad.”

“Ash, get lost,” I sighed.  “I can handle myself.”

“Jane, you couldn’t handle a fight between an earthworm and a blind volus, but it’s alright,” Ash said.  “I love you regardless.  Yell if you need anything.”

“I need you to go,” I said.

She cast me one more worried look before making her way back to the dance floor.  “Sorry about that,” I said.  “She doesn’t have any siblings, so she sort of acts like my older sister.  Has a lot of violent tendencies”

“No worries,” Gcina said, looking amused.  “Where are you from?”

“Space,” I said.  “My parents were both military.  I grew up on space ships, space stations, that kind of thing.”

“Sounds rough,” he said.

“How about you?” I asked.

“I’m from Freedom’s Progress,” Gcina said. 

“So’s Ash,” I said.  “You two might be neighbours or something.”

He laughed.  “I think I’d have remembered someone like her,” he said.  There was an awkward silence.  “So, do you want to dance?”

“Not particularly, no,” I said.  “Do you want to find a booth or something?  We can chat.”

“Sure,” he said, shrugging.

..... 

Four hours later we found ourselves on the roof of the club, our hands entwined.  I was onto my third gin and tonic and was rather pleased with myself for taking it slow.  “The first time I saw the home-world was in April when I came to join up,” I said, looking out across the city.  “The first thing I thought was: ‘how is this fucked up piece of land the home of my ancestors?’.”

“I know what you mean,” Gcina said.  “We managed to mess this place up but good.”

“You know what I miss most about space travel?” I asked.  He shook his head.  “The stars.  In a ship it’s all you ever see from the windows.  These great globes of light passing you by.  It makes you feel so small, like your problems hardly matter.”

He looked down at me.  After a pause he brought his lips gently down onto mine. 

It was the first time a boy had ever kissed me.  Or rather, the first time that I was fully conscious of.  In that moment it seemed to me that nothing mattered except for him and me, his lips on mine.

.....

I woke up the next morning to the delicious smell of frying bacon and coffee, and a lovely pounding behind my eyes.  I groaned and sat up, careful not to wake Ash up.  She grunted and rolled onto her other side.

Matilda was in the kitchen, frying up bacon.  “Morning,” she said.  “There’s coffee in the pot.  Do you like pancakes?”

“Not sure, I’ve only had them twice,” I said.

“You’re joking,” Matilda exclaimed.

“I grew up on a space ship,” I said.  “Don’t get a large variety of food stuffs there.”

“Fair enough,” Matilda said.

“I’m always open to new experiences though,” I said.  “Just, no eggs.”

“No worries,” Matilda said.  “I don’t feel like giving CPR on one of my off days.”

“Guten morgen mein schatzie,” Bridget said from behind me.

“Bonjour, ma aime,” Matilda answered.

“Shep,” Bridget said after kissing Matilda good morning.

“Fredrich,” I replied.

“Williams still akip?” she asked.

“Yeah, unless she’s dead,” I said.  “You never know with Ash.”

Bridget laughed.  “So, have a good night?” she asked.  “You seemed to get on very well with that boy.”

“Yeah, I’m seeing him again tomorrow night,” I answered.

“Yowza,” Bridget said.  “You two are going to Alenko’s tonight, right?”

“Yeah,” I said.  “We’ll need directions to get there though.”

“Done,” Bridget said.  “Tilda, the preview for Fleet and Flotilla is playing tonight, do you want me to see if I can get us tickets?”

“Lin’Harel and Drein Bitarmus?” Matilda asked.  “Hell yeah, I want you to get us tickets, those two are my favourite actors.”

“Blasto 2 will be a better movie,” I said.  “I’m so excited to see it.”

“Yes, because it’s so realistic, having a seal-elephant and a jellyfish gunning behind the lines,” Bridget said.

“No more realistic than a quarian and a turian having it away,” I argued as Matilda started cooking the pancakes.

“At least they have the same DNA structure though,” Ash yawned, coming into the kitchen.  “Morning.  They eat the same food and they don’t get infection from having sex with each other.”

“Quarians get infection from having natural sex with anyone unless it’s in a sterile room,” I said.  “Besides, turians don’t love.”  Not according to old Alliance propaganda anyway, although I personally had my doubts.  Not feeling love seemed like an impossibility, although to my knowledge there was no word for ‘love’ in the turian language.

I’d eaten pancakes maybe twice in my life, when we’d been on holiday at my grandparents’ house in Tiptree.  Both times I’d gotten sick afterwards because I’d eaten too many, and I vowed to go slower this time around.  I didn’t want to spend my precious week off in bed.  After three pancakes my stomach was filled to capacity.

“Ugh, this sucks,” Ash mumbled.

“What?” Matilda asked in alarm.  “Are the pancakes gross?”

“Honey, that’s not the problem,” Bridget said, pulling a face.  “That damned place has shrunk our stomachs.  I can’t eat another bite.”

“But you’ve only eaten eight,” Matilda protested.  “You normally manage double that.”

What?  Bridget had eaten eight pancakes in the time it took me to eat three.  Holy crap.

“They’re delicious though,” Ash said.  “I wish I could eat more than five.”  That was slightly more acceptable, though not much.

At that point, Freddie popped out of my omnitool.  “Hey, dumbass, don’t forget you have to be at the lawyer’s office at nine,” it said.  “And Ash, you are expected at Mareli Pieterse’s place at midday.”

“Thanks, Freddie,” Ash said.

“Also, you should probably know that that meal you ate has a lipid count in the thousands,” it continued.  “If you aren’t careful you may have to roll home.”

“Thank you, Freddie, that’ll be all,” I said forcibly.  It bounced towards my face once, making me flinch, before popping back into my omnitool.

“It’s cute,” Ash said.  “I should get Jason to make one for me too.”

“It’s annoying as hell,” I said.  “It’d better start being useful or I’m going to uninstall it.  Is there any more coffee?”

.....

Freddie proved very helpful in the journey to the lawyer’s office.  After getting onto the wrong bus twice, it directed me by foot to the right building.  Of course it insulted me all the way there, but after nearly being mugged by a street urchin, I found it rather endearing.

The secretary at the office looked me up and down.  “Are you sure you’re old enough to be in the army, love?” she asked. 

“According to the Alliance I am,” I said.  “Junior Recruit Jane Shepard.  I have an appointment with Hans Hummel.”

“Of course,” the secretary said, looking at her terminal.  “I’ll let him know you’re here.”

I sat down on one of the couches and picked up a datapad, which had back issues of _Gossipmonger_ magazine installed on it.  In the time it took the secretary to return I learnt that Marna, the famous asari model, had tied the knot with a turian general, Shaira, the consort, had been visited twice in one month by General Ubasenski, and the latest in human fashions was hair dyed unnatural colours and dresses that showed off your belly.

“He’s ready for you, Junior Recruit Shepard,” the secretary said, returning.

“Did you know Lin’Harel’s bringing out a new perfume?” I asked, putting the datapad down again.

“Well, I like her clothing brand,” the secretary said. 

“But she’s a quarian,” I said in surprise.  “They don’t wear clothes, they wear pressure suits.”

“She realised her biggest fan-base is among the asari and the humans, so she brought out clothes specifically designed for us,” the secretary said.

“Ah,” I said.

“Third door on the left, Junior Recruit,” she said, smiling kindly.

“Right,” I said.  “Thanks.”

..... 

Hans Hummel’s office had a lot of faux leather finishes.  A photo on his desk showed a homely woman with two small children standing next to her.

Mr Hummel was rather small and stubby himself with thin, blonde hair and a bland smile.  “Junior Recruit Shepard, it’s nice to finally meet you,” he said, holding his hand out.  “Your brother speaks highly of you.”

Even his handshake was bland.  “Um, thanks,” I said.

“My condolences for your loss,” he continued, motioning for me to sit in one of his leather seats.  “It must have been quite a shock for you.  To think the batarians would stoop so low.”

“Oh, is the Alliance blaming the batarians for that too?” I asked.

The lawyer seemed surprised by my outburst.  He raised his eyebrows.  “I’m not sure I follow,” he said.

“Never mind,” I said quickly.  “Um, is this real leather?”

“Of course not, there aren’t enough cows left for us to make leather,” Mr Hummel said.  He was referring to the fact that our cows were inbred, deformed and disease prone, making their quality shoddy at best.

“Right,” I said.

“So, shall we commence with the reading of your parents’ wills?” Mr Hummel asked.

“Look, respectfully, I’m not sure I can hear my family’s voices now without bursting into tears,” I said.  “It’d be awkward for both of us.  Can we skip ahead to where you give me what they left me?”

“Of course, Junior Recruit, I fully understand,” he said.  “Your parents left a sizeable sum to you and your brother.”

“How much?” I asked.

“One billion credits each,” Mr Hummel said. My mouth dropped open.  “Leave your credit account number with my secretary and it should clear within the next day.”

“I-of course,” I said in a faint voice.  “Why do I get so much?”

“Your parents collectively had three billion credits saved up, which was to be divided evenly between you and your three siblings.  Since you and Jason are the only two left, you each get fifty per cent.  One billion of that goes to tax, leaving you each with one billion credits.”

“Jesus Mary and Joseph,” I whispered.  I had not known my parents had so much money.

“On top of this, your parents both left you more personalised bequests,” Mr Hummel continued.  “Your mother left you a Miao necklace that allegedly belonged to her mother, Yun Li.  Would you like to see the piece?”  I nodded mutely.  He went over to his safe, punched in a few numbers and picked three small boxes up and brought them over to me.

“This is the necklace,” he said, opening the box and handing it to me.

I’d never seen the necklace before.  The chain itself was simple silver, but from it hung a large silver disk with an image engraved on it of an animal I’d only ever seen in books.  A dragon.

I put the box down on the table again.  “What did my father leave me?” I asked softly.

“Firstly, you should know that I cannot simply release this to you,” Mr Hummel said.  “I will need to speak to your commanding officer and have it cleared with him.”

“What is it?” I asked.

“Your father was very specific that only you are allowed to get this,” Mr Hummel said.  He picked the second box up and handed it to me.  It was heavier than the first box.

I upped the box.  “Little Shepard,” I whispered.  It was my father’s Spider9 pistol.  “He left this for me?” I asked, touching the barrel.  Mr Hummel nodded.  I almost smiled.  Even in death, my father had the remarkable ability of completely blind-siding me.

“Of course, I cannot allow you to just walk out of here with a side-arm, that’d be completely irresponsible,” Mr Hummel said.  “You are a recruit in the Marine Corps, and there are certain channels that need to be cleared.”

“I understand,” I replied.  “Um, speak to Senior Recruit Nina Ruben or Senior Recruit Liam Canning at Del Sol Academy.  They’re the ones who manage grunt affairs.”

“Of course,” Mr Hummel said.  “Then, finally, there’s one more item that needs to be taken care of.  In his will, your father left this to your sister, Jean.  Obviously, she is unable to claim it now, and Jason thought you’d probably want it.”

“What is it?” I asked.

“Your father’s bible,” Mr Hummel said.

He opened the final box and handed the book to me.  Growing up, we had all known of this book (it’d been in the family since the early twenty first century) but we had never gotten to see it.  When I picked it up it was heavier than I’d expected.  Dad had told us all stories of the bible.  It had been bought by our infinite number of greats grandfather in 2006 in Houston, Texas, where our family originated from.  He had recorded his oldest son’s, Jackson Tony, birth on the first page of the bible.  When Jackson came of age, his father had passed the bible on to him.  And so it went on until my father received it from his father.  Apparently Dad had been carrying it on the reclaiming of Shanxi.  He told us it saved his life more than once.

I opened to the front page.  Right at the top of the page was written ‘Jackson Tony Shepard 06/12/10-08/11/20’.  The last name had to have been written by my father.  It read ‘Jason Tommy Shepard 11/13/64’.  I suddenly felt very close to tears, and had to clench my jaw to stop them from spilling over.

When I was certain I wasn’t about to start bawling I looked up.  “Thank you,” I said.

I left the office, and looked up at the angry grey sky.  “I wish you guys were here,” I whispered.  I didn’t get an answer.  I wasn’t really expecting one.

..... 

I still had some time to kill before I had to meet Ash, so I decided to explore.  The last time we had been in Seattle, I had spent most of the time sitting in various queues at the Alliance Military Earth Base to join up.  This was my first time alone on my homeworld, so I decided to make the most of it.

I bought a mug of hot chocolate and cream from a vendor (it cost close to a thousand credits, but as I was now a billionaire I didn’t care).

“Hey there fartface,” Freddie said.  “There are three hundred and forty six calories in that cup.”

“I know Freddie,” I said.  (I didn’t, but there was no way I was telling a virtual intelligence that).  “Piss off will you?”

“I only go into sleep mode if you ask nicely,” Freddie said.

“Right,” I said.  “Please piss off Freddie.”

“Beg,” Freddie commanded.

“I’m not begging a fucking VI,” I snapped.  “Now please go away before someone thinks that you are actually intelligent and shoots you.”

“Even if this VI shell gets destroyed in some way, I am permanently saved on your omnitool,” Freddie said.  “Furthermore, my repair protocol is automatic, so no one needs to input the code.”

“Fantastic,” I mumbled.  “Jason thought of everything, didn’t he?”

“Your brother is the smartest, most talented programmer in the galaxy,” Freddie said.

“Uh huh,” I said.  “He is also thirteen and soon to be dead.  Now please go away oh glorious VI, master of the galaxy and the doom of the organics.”

Apparently that was the right way to speak to it, because Freddie popped back into my omnitool.

I decided to go to the aquarium.  Our oceans had mostly been emptied out in the middle of the twenty first century, so most of the displays in the aquarium came from other worlds.  However, as my sole knowledge of wildlife consisted of my pet hamster and my grandmother’s cat, I enjoyed the experience a great deal.

.....

I met Ash at quarter to twelve in front of the Cornish College on Capitol Hill.

“Hey,” she said.  “How was it?”

“Ok,” I said.  “Apparently Dad left me a gun and collectively my parents left me one billion credits.”

“They left you how much?” Ash gasped.

“Yup,” I said.  “I can officially, at the age of sixteen, retire.”

“Can I join you?” Ash asked.

“Nope,” I said.  “I’m planning on buying a flat on the Presidium and eating really fancy, unhealthy food every day.  My guess is I’ll be bankrupt by July.”

“You’ll also weigh five hundred pounds,” Freddie said.

“Please leave me alone, Freddie,” I mumbled.  “Shall we go, Ash?”

“Sure,” Ash said.  “According to Matilda the house is just down the road from here.”

“What did you do this morning?” I asked.

“Went shopping,” Ash said. “Window shopping mainly.  I don’t have the luxury of one billion credits chilling in my bank account.”

“See anything nice?” I asked.

“A really cute dress that you could wear to your date with Gcina actually,” Ash said.  “I’ll take you tomorrow.”

“Ash,” I groaned.

“Don’t ‘Ash’ me, Jane,” Ash said sternly.

“Look, we’re military now,” I said.  “We aren’t allowed to wear civvies.”

“That’s not going to stop me,” Ash mumbled. 

“Of course not,” I mumbled back.

Mareli Pieterse lived in one of the few remaining Victorian brick houses in Seattle.  A young girl, who looked almost exactly like Ash but with paler skin and blue eyes, answered the door.

“Hello?” she asked, looking us up and down curiously.

Ash seemed frozen.  “Um, Sara?” I asked.

“Yes?” Sara asked.

“My name’s Jane.  This is Ash,” I said.  “Your mom’s expecting us.”

“Oh right,” Sara said.  She turned.  “Mama, it’s for you,” she yelled.  She turned back to us.  “Come in,” she said.

We followed her into the long, dark hall.

“Jane, I don’t think I can do this,” Ash whispered as we took our coats and caps off.

“Hey,” I whispered back.  “It’s ok.  She asked you here for a reason.”

At that moment Mareli Pieterse came in.  She was quite short and somewhat plump, with unnaturally curly red hair and an alarming amount of makeup on her face.  “Ashley,” she asked.

“Ja?” Ash replied huskily.

“I’m Mareli,” Mareli said, holding her hand out.

“Nice to meet you, Tannie,” Ash answered, shaking her hand.  “This is my friend, Jane.”  
“I’m here for moral support,” I said, holding my hand out.  “I’m also a good shot, so if you need anyone assassinated, I can do that for you.”

“Jane,” Ash groaned.

“I know who you are,” Mareli said.  “You’re Lieutenant Shepard’s youngest daughter.”

“You knew my father?” I asked in surprise.

“Dirk introduced us once when they were on shore leave here,” Mareli said, motioning for us to follow her.  “I met your sister and brother too.  Must have been about eight or nine years ago.”

“Guess that was when I was with my mother and younger brother on Ciro space station,” I said.

“I think your father did mention something like that,” Mareli said.  “Can I offer you something to drink?  Tea, coffee?”

“Coffee please,” Ash said.

“Make that two,” I said.

Mareli examined Ash’s face for a moment.  “It’s incredible,” she murmured.  “You and my two girls all look exactly like him.”

Ash laughed uncomfortably.  “I guess he had strong genes,” she said.  “Did he-I mean, did you know about me and my mother.”

“At first, no, but then I noticed he was paying money out of our account,” Mareli said.  “I confronted him and he told me what he had done.”

“Why did you stay with him?” Ash asked.  Mareli’s back stiffened.  “’Skies, I guess that’s kind of an inappropriate question.  It’s just that, my father never treated me well.  After my mother died I felt like I was some sort of burden to him.”

“It’s fine,” Mareli said.  “I’d just had Inga, and I didn’t want to raise her alone.  I have melk tert, do you want some?”

“Yes please,” Ash said.

“What’s melk tert?” I whispered.

“Milk tart,” Ash answered.  “A South African dish.  It’s heavy on the egg.”

“Oh,” I said.  “In that case, no thanks.”

“Is there something wrong with my cooking?” Mareli asked, sounding affronted. 

“No, tannie, nothing like that,” Ash said.  “Jane has an egg allergy.”

“Oh, I see,” Mareli said.  “Inga, Sara,” she shouted loudly.  I jumped.

The two girls trooped into the kitchen.  Inga, the elder, resembled Ash even more.  The only difference was that Ash was slightly taller and her eyes were brown instead of blue.

“Girls, this is Ashley,” Mareli said.  “She’s your father’s other daughter.”

Sara merely nodded, but Inga said, “Hi.”

“Hi,” Ash said shyly.

“Do you girls want melk tert?” Mareli asked.  Both girls nodded enthusiastically.

“Are you Ashley’s lawyer?” Inga asked me.

“Definitely not,” I said.  “I’m her friend.  We grew up together.”

Mareli took a large custardy-looking pie out of the fridge and cut four large slices out of it.  “Can I get you anything, Jane?” she asked.

“No, I’m good thanks,” I said.

“Probably a good thing, wobble-bottom,” Freddie said.  “A slice of milk tart has a calorie count of two hundred and forty.”

“Are you just here to tell me what food will make me fat, or do you have an actual purpose?” I snapped.

“Not at all, midget,” Freddie said.  “I am also programmed for stealth recon.  Good day, Mrs Pieterse, nice to meet you.”

“So, you’re polite to everyone but me?” I asked, enraged.

“That is what my core programming reflects, yes,” Freddie said.

“Jason had better stay on Sur’Kesh for a long time,” I mumbled.  “Otherwise I’ll kill his ass.  Go away please, Freddie.”  I looked up to see all three Pieterse staring open-mouthed.  “It’s a VI shell.  My little brother programmed it for me.”

“Oh,” Mareli said.  She appeared to cast around for something to say.  “He seems quite talented.”

“He is,” Freddie said from the depths of my omnitool.

“No one asked you, Freddie,” I said.  “He is.  He is also thirteen and annoying, so-“

“Well, Ashley, I invited for a specific reason,” Mareli said, once Inga and Sara had taken their slices of pie and left.  “Are you sure that you’re ok talking about these things with company though?”

“Jane and I have been best friends since we were twelve,” Ash said.  “We know everything there is to know about each other.”  That was not strictly accurate, but I decided not to point this out. 

“Very well then,” Mareli said.  “Your father’s will was read in mid-September and, well, he left everything to me and my girls.  You are also his daughter, and you deserve better than that.  All together Dirk had one hundred billion credits saved up, minus tax.  I would be happy to give you an equal share in this.  That’d be-“

“Fifteen billion credits,” Ash said faintly.

Boom.  Suddenly my one billion credits seemed very measly.

“Why?” Ash asked.  “Why would you give me all that money?”

“Because you are my husband’s daughter,” Mareli said.  “Because your mother is dead and everyone needs one.”

“You’d never replace my mother,” Ash said in a low voice.

“I know,” Mareli said.  “But I can make sure that your future is secure.”

Ash thought about this for a while.  “I can accept that,” Ash said.  “Thank you.”

“You’re blood to me,” Mareli said.  “I’ll always be here for you.”

..... 

Kaidan lived on the south side Seattle, the historically poor side of town, on the five hundred and thirtieth floor of Sunshine Block (an ironic name.  Despite all the punishment my poor homeworld had taken, Seattle’s weather patterns had not changed one bit.).

Kaidan answered the door.  “Ladies,” he said, bowing low.  “Welcome to my humble abode.”

“Really?” Ash asked.

“Yeah, I’ve been reading,” Kaidan said.  “Saw it in a book.  Come in.”

The apartment was small and cramped.  In the lounge was a worn-out couch with a few flat cushions and a tiny television.  A delicious smell was coming from the kitchen.

“Come say hello to my mom,” Kaidan said.

Mrs Alenko seemed unnaturally excited to see us.  “It’s so good for Kaidan to finally have some normal friends over,” she said, shaking both our hands.

“Ma’am, spend a couple of hours with us and you’ll know we’re not normal,” I said.

“Kaidan used to belong to a gang,” Mrs Alenko answered.  “The Sixty Seventh Street Reds.”

“Ok, Ma, don’t tell Ash and Shepard all my secrets now, eh?” Kaidan said, sounding alarmed.

Shepard?  Had I been demoted?

“They were a nasty bunch,” Mrs Alenko said, leaning in towards Ash and me.  “Kaidan was convicted of his first murder when he was ten.”

Ash and I both stared, open-mouthed.  “Just say ‘right’ and change the subject,” Kaidan said.

“Right,” I said.  “What’s for dinner?  It smells delicious.”

“Casserole,” Mrs Alenko said.

“Smells yummy,” Ash said.

“Come meet my dogs,” Kaidan said, dragging Ash and me out by our arms.  “Let’s pretend that never happened,” he said in an undertone.

“So, first murder at ten, huh?” I asked conversationally.  “Sounds like a damn good movie title.”

“Shut up, Shepard,” Kaidan groaned.  He pushed a door open.  “This is the room where my sisters and I sleep.”

The room was tiny with one double bed mattress on the floor upon which lay Kaidan’s sisters and two dogs, one with wiry white fur, the other with black, tan and white colouring.  They both got up excitedly when we entered the room.

“Hello sisters,” Kaidan said.

“Fuck off,” Abbie, who was sporting a bright green bob, said.

“Nice hair, Abs,” Kaidan said.  “When did this happen?”

“Mind your own business, Kaidan,” Abbie muttered.

The dogs sniffed my toes interestedly.  “They won’t bite me or anything, right?” I asked nervously.  “I’ve never met dogs before.”

“Nah, they’re friendly,” Kaidan said.  “This one is Sacha,” he stroked the black one.  “And this little alcoholic is Abbie’s.  His name is Moped.”

“Alcoholic?” Ash asked, laughing.

“Yeah,” Abbie said.  “He used to live on the street.  Dude that looked after him fed him cheap beer, so now he gets all excited if Dad opens a can here.”

“Hey, isn’t it time for Alvin and Bim?” Elise asked.

Alvin and Bim was a sit com slash rom com about the homosexual relationship between a human and a volus.  It had been running for six seasons and was still the most popular series in the galaxy (apart from Vaenia, an asari pornography show).

“Do you guys want to watch Alvin and Bim?” Kaidan asked.

“Haven’t watched an episode since August,” Ash said.  “You’d have to tell us what’s been happening.”

“Well, Alvin and Bim went on holiday to Irune to meet Bim’s parents,” Elise explained as we went to the lounge.  “Bim lost his job at the bank and now works as a greeter at the turian embassies.  Oh, and they want to adopt a kid.  Alvin wants to adopt a salarian because he wants his son to be a super-genius, and Bim wants to adopt a quarian girl because she’ll have to be in a pressure suit her whole life, same as him.”

“Damnit, we missed a lot, Ash,” I said.

..... 

After much debate, Alvin and Bim decided to adopt a vorcha child (a particularly creepy branch of alien with six eyes across its forehead, translucent greyish skin, a horned head, very low intelligence and the capacity to regenerate particularly fast). 

Kaidan’s mother came into the room.  “Kay, we need more milk,” she said.

“I’ll go out to get some more,” he said.  “Jane, want to come along?”

“Uh, sure,” I said, surprised that he had singled me out.

We got our coats on and braced ourselves for the pouring rain.  “So, how was the date with Kasuumi?” I asked as we walked through back alleys filled with rubbish.

“Not brilliant,” Kaidan said.  “I think I’m going to end it with her.  She just doesn’t seem right to me.  Oh, and she has this creepy ability to make herself invisible.  It’s really weird.”

“What?” I asked.  “How’s that possible?”

“She explained it to me yesterday,” he said.  “Something about our eyes having blind spots, or, I don’t know.  Anyway, she’s able to move into that area.  Also, she’s admitted to being a kleptomaniac.”

“Well, that makes you the perfect couple then,” I said, grinning.  “You with your shady past and all.”

“Oh, shut up,” he said, shoving me.  I fell theatrically onto the ground.  “Jane,” he said in alarm.  I started laughing.  “You nut,” he laughed, helping me up.  “You’re all wet now.”  He put his arm around me.  We walked in contented silence for a bit.

“Hey, I was wondering if you want to do something tomorrow night,” Kaidan said after a bit.

“Oh, I can’t,” I said.  “I’ve got a date with a dude I met at the club last night.  I’m sure Ash would be happy to though.”

“Oh,” Kaidan said, sounding surprised.  “Who’s-.”

“Hey,” someone shouted from behind us.

We turned.  A tall girl of perhaps eighteen with her hair dyed an alarming orange and wearing the trampiest possible outfit ever was standing behind us.  “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” she shouted, striding towards us.

Oh God, I was in a strange city with a strange man, about to be mugged by a woman whose head resembled a pumpkin.

Kaidan seemed remarkably calm.  “Snixx,” he said.  “Long time no see.”

“Snixx?” I whispered.  “Your ex?”  He nodded.

“Fuck that,” she shouted, jabbing a finger at him.  “You stride back into my fucking city with your fucking floozy on your fucking arm and all you can fucking say is long time no fucking see?  Fuck you, you fucking asshole.”

“Are you trying to break the record for the most times you can say fuck in a sentence?” I asked incredulously.

“Jane, let me handle it,” Kaidan said.  “This isn’t your city, Snixx,” he said, turning to Snixx.  “I live here too.”

“Nuh uh,” Snixx said.  “You lost your place in the Reds when you decided to fuck off and play fucking soldier boy in the middle of the fucking desert.  And what about us, huh?  Couldn’t drop me a line whilst you were learning to fucking march in a straight line?  Your own girlfriend?”

“Snixx-,” Kaidan began.

“I even gave you a puppy to remember me by,” Snixx said, beginning to sound slightly hysterical.

“Snixx, I broke up with you before I went to the academy,” Kaidan said.

“Your words say it’s over, but I know in your heart you want to come back to me, B-boy,” Snixx said.  “This girl here, she don’t know how to love you.”

“For Christ’s sake, Sacha,” Kaidan snapped.  “Jane and I aren’t together.  I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“No?” Snixx asked, looking mollified.  “Well, my dad’s out tonight, and I can put TV on for _Gray and Loose_.  Wanna come over?”

“Sounds tempting, Snixx, but having hot wax poured over me just sounds too much like work,” Kaidan said.  She slapped him hard through the face.  “Jesus Christ, woman,” Kaidan shouted, clutching his cheek.

“Say the word Alenko, and I beat her up for you,” I said, stepping forward.  He gave me a look.

She burst into loud, sobbing tears.  “You don’t love me, B-boy,” she wailed.

“No, I don’t,” Kaidan said.  “You don’t love me either, you just want the badass biotic at your side.  We need to stop kidding ourselves.” He touched her arm, which she slapped away.  “Go home, Sacha,” he said.  “You’ll find…someone who will love you.”  He turned to walk away.  “Come on, Jane.”

“B-boy,” she shouted after us.  “B-booooy.”

“I see what you mean about her,” I said.

“Yeah,” Kaidan said.  “Loony.”  He sighed.  “Come on, Junior Recruit Shepard.”

“Alright, B-boy,” I laughed.  “Can I call you that?”

“No way in hell,” Kaidan said.  “So, you have a date tomorrow night?”

..... 

“Jane.”

“No.”

“Jane.”

“No.”

“Ja-ane.”

“Ash, shut up, I’m not doing it.”

This rather imaginative conversation was Ash trying to convince me to wear the black ‘I’m a ho’ dress she had bought me.

“Jane, no one will know you’re in the military,” Ash said.

“Big brother is everywhere Ash, and knows everything,” I said.  “I’m not going to go back to two days of stand-to.”

“No one looks hot in an army uniform, Jane,” Ash said in a last ditch attempt.

“Gcina started chatting me up whilst I was wearing an army uniform,” I said.

“At least let me do your make-up then,” Ash said.

“Jesus, Mary and Joseph, anything for a bit of peace and quiet,” I mumbled.

She sat me down on a chair and laid her make-up out on the kitchen table.

“You know how to do make-up, Williams?” Bridget asked thickly through a mouthful of steak roll.

“My mother taught me,” Ash said.  “So, you excited for tonight?”

“I guess,” I said.

“Your first date Janey,” Ash continued.  “I feel so proud.”

“No, Ash, don’t get all big sisterish on me,” I said.  “I will get uncomfortable and maybe hit you.”

“Ruin my fun why don’t you Jane,” Ash said.  She smeared some rouge onto my cheeks. 

“If you make me look like a clown Ash, I won’t be too thrilled,” I said.

She wacked me on the head.  “So, you like this guy then, Shep?” Bridget asked, taking another bite of her roll.

“No, I’m just going out with him because I can’t get anyone better,” I said sarcastically.

“But what about you and Kaidan?” Ash asked.

“What about me and Kaidan?” I asked.

“You have a thing for Alenko?” Bridget asked.

“No,” I said too quickly.

“Fuck me, I had no idea,” Bridget said in wonder.

“I’m over it now,” I said.

“You’d better be,” Bridget said, stuffing the last of her roll into her mouth.  “Guys generally don’t appreciate it when the people they go out with are in love with other guys.  Or girls.”

“And you picked this up from your vast experience of dating other men?” I asked.

“Observational studies only,” Bridget said.  “You’re looking quite hot, Shep.  Not at all like the little girl who’s out in her older brother’s army uniform.”

“Don’t you mean the little boy with the ponytail who’s out in his brother’s uniform?” I asked.

“Yeah, I do actually,” Bridget said.  “That’s why I could never date you.”

“That and the fact that I’m straight,” I mumbled.

..... 

Café Presse was trendy and full of diners in fancy outfits.  I immediately wished I had worn the black dress Ash had gotten me, if only to blend in a little more.  “Sorry, I would have dressed up, but it’s against regulations,” I said to Gcina.

“No worries,” he said.  “If I’m being perfectly honest, I have a thing for girls in uniform.”

“So, nurses are right up your alley?” I asked.

“Sure, nurses, pilots, cops, waitresses,” he said.  “Wait, I’m forgetting something.  Ah yes, marines.”

“I’m only a marine recruit,” I said.

“Then, I’m afraid I can’t see you anymore,” he said, widening his eyes.  “I only want a fully-fledged marine or nothing.”

“Fine,” I said, getting up.  “I’ll go.”

“Oh, shoosh you crazy girl,” Gcina said.

We ordered our drinks (I opted for a gin and tonic, I was really developing a taste for them), and chatted about our families.  Midway through our first course I got the sense of someone standing directly behind me.  My first instinct was to do as my training had taught me and go for my gun, but then I realised that shooting a waiter in the middle of a crowded restaurant was probably not a good idea.  Then I remembered that I didn’t have a gun.

Gcina’s mouth was hanging open.  I looked behind me and nearly fell out of my chair.  Standing behind me was Kaidan and, gripping his hand, Kasuumi.

“What the fuck, Alenko?” I asked in amazement.  “What are you doing here?”

“Jane,” Kaidan said, doing his very best to sound surprised.  “Small world, huh?  I was bringing Kasuumi here for a bite to eat, when I recognised you.”  He biotically pulled two chairs over from an empty table and plonked them down between Gcina and me.

“Kaidan, I told you I would be here,” I said coldly.

“What?  No you didn’t,” Kaidan said, sitting down.  “Garcon,” he shouted and a waiter came over.  “A bottle of your finest red.”

“Um,” Gcina said.

“Gcina, meet Kaidan Alenko, a fellow recruit, and his girlfriend, Kasuumi Dranne,” I said crossly.  “Alenko, you, meet Gcina Nceba.  Alenko, what the hell are you doing?”

“Meeting your boyfriend,” Kaidan explained lightly.  “How do you do, Jane is a very good friend of mine.”

The waiter came over with a bottle of wine and four glasses.  “Kaidy-baby, can we afford this?” Kasuumi asked.  She turned to Gcina.  “He’s not very rich,” she said to him.  “Or smart.  You look smart though.  What do you do?”

“Um, I’m a chemistry student,” Gcina said, looking confused.

“Chemistry, huh?” Kaidan said.  “Bit out of your league, isn’t he Shepard?  You only learnt to count earlier this year.”

Now it was my turn to sound gormless.  “Huh?” I asked.

“You know it’s a good thing she’s a soldier,” Kaidan said conversationally, turning to Gcina.  “She’s not very bright.  Comes from a troubled past too.  Father was abusive.”

I was so angry I was both speechless and trembling.

“You’re lanky,” Kasuumi said to Gcina.  “I like lanky.  You know who I am, right?”

“Of course he knows who you are, Kasuumi, who doesn’t?” Kaidan snapped.  He turned back to Gcina.  “See, thing is, her father shot her in the left arm once.  He also poured boiling water over her legs.”

That’s when I found my voice.  “Enough,” I shouted.  Dead silence filled the restaurant as the diners turned to look at our table.

“Don’t shout, you’re making a scene,” Kaidan hissed.  “She’s very dramatic,” he continued.  “Likes to shout at peop-“

“I said enough, Alenko,” I said in a slightly lower tone.  I pointed at him.  “Outside with me now.  You,” I turned to Gcina, “Stay put.  And you,” I turned to Kasuumi, “continue flirting with my date and you’ll go home with a fork in your eye.”

Kaidan followed me meekly outside to the smoker’s lounge.  I lit a cigarette in the hope it would calm me down.  It didn’t.  “How dare you come here, on my date and say all those things?” I shouted.  “You fucking asshole, the first time I ever have a guy interested in me and you’ve gone and fucked it up.”

“He needed to know those things,” Kaidan said, sounding insulted.

“Yeah, and I’d have told him,” I shouted.  “When the time was right.  Not on our first date.  And certainly not in that way.  How did you know all that stuff anyway?”

“You told me about the boiling water incident,” Kaidan said.

“I told you I poured water over my legs,” I snapped.

“Yeah, and you were so convincing with it,” Kaidan snapped back.  “Most of my friends here come from abusive backgrounds; I can smell a tall story from a mile away.  And for your information, your past isn’t nearly as private as you’d like it to be.  It’s all on the extranet if you know where to look.”

“What do you mean?” I whispered.

“I mean I ran a search on you the other day and found an interesting police report from eight years ago that claimed that Lieutenant Shepard deliberately shot his daughter in the arm,” Kaidan said more quietly.  “Apparently your mother convinced them it was an accident and the charges were dropped.  A few weeks later she requested a new posting away from the Hugo Grayson and when it came through she took you and your younger brother with.”  I said nothing.  “Did all that really happen, Jane?”  I nodded.  “Why?”

“I sucked at pushups,” I said.   I sighed heavily.  “Why did you come here Kaidan?  If you were my friend you would have been happy for me.  You’d want this to work out.”

“I don’t want this to work out, Jane,” he said.

“Why not?” I asked.  He said nothing, just looked at me.  That’s when it clicked for me.  “Oh,” I said, my eyes going wide.

“Yeah,” he said heavily.

“For how long?” I asked. 

“Ever since I first met you,” Kaidan answered.  “You’re beautiful, smart and tough.  I’ve been with many girls, but none of them are anything like you.”

I rubbed my forehead.  “Why didn’t you say anything?” I asked.

He sighed.  “It’s against regulations, Jane,” Kaidan said.  “If we were caught, we’d have been chucked into prison.  Now though, seeing you with someone else, it’s driving me crazy because it should have been me.”

“You’re an idiot, Alenko,” I said.

He gave me a half-smile.  “Tell me something I don’t know,” he said.

“I’m really sorry,” I said.  “I know this is hurting you, but I really like this guy.  I want it to work out with him, so I’m going to ask you to back off please.”

He nodded.  “I know,” he said.  “I’m sorry for ruining your date.”

“Just don’t do it again,” I said.  I hesitated, then put my arms around him.  “You’ll find the right girl for you,” I said.  “I know it.”

“I think I’ve already found her,” Kaidan said thickly, squeezing me tightly, then stepping back.  “Ok, get back to your date, Shepard,” he said.  “Show him that he’s got an amazing girl.”

He followed me inside, where Kasuumi and Gcina sat, staring in opposite directions.  I pointed at Kasuumi.  “You,” I said.  “Make yourself scarce.”

“Gladly,” she mumbled, springing to her feet.  “You done making a fool of yourself, Kay?”

“Yeah, thanks Kasuumi,” he said.

“See you Kaidan,” I said.  “Call Ash, she’s bored and probably needs company.”

“Thanks Jane,” he said.  “Stay safe.”

I sat down opposite Gcina again.  “So, if you want to run for the hills, I don’t blame you,” I said.

“I’m not really the running type,” Gcina confessed.  “I prefer to stick it out and see what happens.”

“Oh,” I said.  “Well, good.”

“So, any other crazy ex-boyfriends I should know about?” Gcina asked.

“Believe it or not, Kaidan and I never dated,” I said.  “He’s just over protective.”

“Huh,” Gcina said.  “Shows what I know.  And Jane?”

“Yeah?” I asked, cringing internally.

“Just-about what he said, know that I’m here for you,” he said.  “No matter what.”


	10. Chapter nine: January to March: radiation, Spectres and endurance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone returns to the academy, where there are a number of new faces. An accident in training makes Jane wonder if someone is targeting the Alliance Military.

It was with a heavy heart that we packed our bags on New Year’s Day and took a bus to the shuttle station.  Gcina travelled with us to the station to wish me well for the next seven months and to prove to the others that I have a boyfriend.

“Can we re-enact scenes from Airplane?” I asked him.

“What’s that?” he asked, stroking my hair.

“A movie from the 1970s,” I explained.  Ash, Bridget and Matilda rolled their eyes.  “A soldier leaves his girlfriend to go to war and chucks her his watch.  Then she runs after the plane and crashes into a bunch of poles.”  Everyone was staring at me.  “It’s hilarious,” I said.

“Ok, I’m sure it is,” Gcina said.  “So, you want me to be the soldier?”

“No, I’m the soldier,” I said.  “Obviously.”

“Wonder what you lot will be doing for officership training,” Ash remarked.

“No idea,” I said.  “I suppose I could always ask McDougal, she’s bound to know.  In fact, she’s bound to know what the best method is to become an officer.  On that note though, Fredrich, I want to apologise.”

“For what?” Bridget asked.

“I never meant to take your spot,” I said.  “Traditionally the top four students in each pod would undergo the initial training.”

“I know,” Bridget said.  “I don’t care.  I’d be a terrible officer.  You’re a far better choice.  Hell, you got our entire pod to cooperate, which is no mean feat.”

“You sure you don’t mind?” I asked.

“Yup,” Bridget said.  “I’m here to serve my seven years, get out, and use the money I’ve saved to do what I really want to do.”

“Which is?” Ash asked.

“Study psychology,” Bridget said.

“I could have paid for her to go, but she doesn’t want me to do that,” Matilda said.

“Yeah, owing money to the person you’re in a relationship with is generally not a good idea,” Gcina said.

“Speaking from experience there?” Ash asked.

He nodded.  “It ended my previous relationship,” he said soberly.

Everywhere I looked at the shuttle station I could see recruits wishing their loved ones good bye.  Kaidan came over to us.  “Hey guys,” he said.  “Happy new year.”

“Alenko,” Bridget said.  “You’re not hung-over?”  We had attended a New Year’s Eve party with him where we had all slightly overindulged.

“Biotics have a secret method of avoiding hang-overs,” Kaidan explained.  “Don’t discharge your implant.  The electricity absorbs the alcohol and turns it into some random compound that doesn’t affect our bodies.”

“Doesn’t that hurt though?” Ash asked.

“Well, yeah,” Kaidan said.  “I’ve found that a hang-over hurts more though.”  He looked at me.  “How’s your head, Jane?” he asked.

“Not bad,” I lied.

“Good,” he said.  “You ready, marine?”

I scowled.  “Not even a little,” I answered.

“Who’s like us?” Nina asked as she walked by.

Bridget, Ash, Kaidan and I all saluted.  “Damn few,” we answered.

“And I don’t think I want to see any of them,” I mumbled under my breath as the others finished with a rousing ‘and they’re all dead.’

“You’d better say your goodbyes,” she went on as the call went up for us to board our shuttles.  “We’re leaving soon.”

“No kidding,” I said.  “There I was thinking that that VI was announcing that the shuttle leaving for Del Sol Academy was ready for boarding, and now I’m told we’re leaving.  Ma’am,” I added hastily, hoping she wouldn’t make me do push-ups.

“Officers don’t have smart mouths, Shepard,” Nina said.

“Then I’ll be the first, ma’am,” I said.  I waited until she’d left before saying, “Honestly, what are the odds of me becoming an officer recruit?”

“Well, what were the odds of you surviving your first year with your lungs?” Matilda asked.

“That’s very philosophical and comple-hey what?” I asked.

She rolled her eyes.  “Your medication is for asthma,” she said.  “I did a background search for your medical records when I was bored and saw X-rays of your lungs as a baby.  They’re really bad.”

“Is that what people do for fun these days?” I asked angrily.  “Do extranet searches on me then spring the results at inconvenient times?”

“Wait, you’re asthmatic?” Kaidan asked.

“Where’s your family, Alenko?” I snapped.

“At home in bed,” Kaidan said.

“Right,” I said angrily.  “If any of you mention this again, I will gut you in your sleep, understood?”

“Ma’am yes ma’am,” Bridget said, saluting.

“Don’t get smart with me, grunt,” I said.  “Understood, Alenko?”

“Understood,” Kaidan said.

“Right, then Public Displays of Affectopm coming up,” I said.  I turned to Gcina.  “I wish I wasn’t leaving,” I sighed.

“I know,” he said.  “Me too.  We’ll chat every month though, and we’ll see each other in August.  You’ll see, seven months will go by quickly.”

I reached up and kissed him.  “I miss you already,” I said.

“I miss you too,” he said.

“Ugh,” Ash mumbled.  “Get in the damned shuttle already.”

I kissed him again.  “Try not to blow anything up,” I said.

“Ditto back to you,” he said.  I kissed him once more, then followed Kaidan, Ash and Bridget onto the shuttle.

“Who were you smooching there, Shepard?” Nina asked disinterestedly.

“That would be my boyfriend,” I said.

“Oh,” Nina said.  “I had no idea you had a boyfriend.”

“I only started going out with him seven days ago, ma’am,” I said.

“Huh,” Nina said.  She turned and hollered, “Hey, everyone, Shepard has a boyfriend.”

“Wow, talk about spreading the word, ma’am,” I said.

“I fully expect the news to be viral by the time we reach Del Sol,” Nina said.  “You’re welcome.”

Sure enough, as we disembarked the shuttle two hours later, Cat (who was exiting the London shuttle) called, “Hey, Shepard, I heard that you found a guy whose eye sight is bad enough for him to go out with you.”

“Hey, McDougal, you like math, don’t you?” I asked.

“Yeah, so?” McDougal asked, shrugging.  “You’re crap at it.”

“Ok, well here’s a number game for you,” I said.  “Think of a number between one and ten.”  She nodded in confirmation that she had thought of one.  “Multiply it by six.  Subtract ten.  Divide by two.  Add twenty.  Square the number.”  I waited for her to open her calculator on her omnitool.  “Can I continue?” I asked patiently.  She nodded.  “Divide the number by four.  Multiply it with zero.  And then, hey why not, square that number too.  What are you left with?”

“Zero,” Cat said, looking confused.

“Right,” I said.  “That’s how much I give a damn for your opinion, McDougal.  Smell ya later.”

“That had to have been the most convoluted insults in the history of the world, Jane,” Ash mumbled as we walked towards Pod 3.

“Yeah,” I said.  “It felt good though.”

“Who are they?” Kaidan asked, nodding at a group of older marines who were standing to attention on the training field.

“No ide-,” Ash began, but was interrupted by a shrill scream from directly behind us.

“What?” Kaidan said irritably, turning.  “Finally realise that the ginger freak you see in the mirror every day is you, McDougal?”

Cat ignored him, opting to give another shrill shriek.  “For the love of God, woman, what?” I snapped, wincing.

“It’s the N7 recruits,” she said excitedly.

“Wow, really?” Ash said, squinting at the line of soldiers. 

“Can you see Major Jupiter?” I asked, also squinting at the soldiers.

“Sure, let me get my binoculars out,” Ash said, sarcastically.

“According to my DNA scans, Major Jupiter is the third on the left, stupid head,” Freddie said.

“What’s that?” Cat asked, eyeing Freddie.

“Oh, my VI shell,” I said.  “My brother programmed it.  It’s a pain in the ass most of the time.”

“I am delighted to make your acquaintance, Junior Recruit McDougal,” Freddie said politely.

“To be honest, I can’t wait to turn my omnitool in,” I said.

“I see her,” Ash shouted.

“What the third blob on the left?” I asked.  “Come on, we’ll have plenty of time to geek out on her later.  Let’s drop our packs off.”

 We had barely walked into Pod 3 when we were snagged by Liam.  “McDougal, Shepard and Alenko, you’re wanted in the Annexe,” he said.  “Move it Williams.”

“Good to see you too, sir,” I said.  “I had a fantastic December week, how about you?”

“How are your arms feeling, Shepard?” he asked me.  “Nice and strong?  Good, they’ll have to be to push your big mouth up and down.  So, you have a boyfriend?”

“Sir, that jump of logic was very inappropriate,” I said.

“Whatever Shepard, get to the Annexe,” Liam said.

“See you later,” Kaidan and I said to Ash.

All the officer recruit trainees were crowded in Annexe.  Cat, Kaidan and I found Ismaeel and sat down next to him.

“Have a good December week?” Kaidan asked him in an undertone.  For some reason everyone was speaking in whispers.

“It was fairly enjoyable,” Ismaeel answered.  “You?”

“It was pretty lousy thanks,” Kaidan said.

“Oh,” Ismaeel said.  “Sucks to be you then I guess.  What’s this I hear about you having a boyfriend, Shep?”

“Jesus, Mary and Joseph, how the hell does news spread so quickly through this place?” I mumbled.

At that moment Commander Anderson and Admiral Greyling walked in and we sprang to attention.

“At ease, grunts,” Admiral Greyling said.  “Well, it’s that time of the year again, where we begin our selection of our officer recruits.  As you are well aware, four grunts from each pod are on our short list, but only two of you will be chosen to be the officers of your pod next year.  We will be assessing you on your training scores of course, but also how well you perform certain tasks.”

“Do I even want to know,” I mumbled.

“Now, as you are no doubt aware, today is the third day of training for our Interplanetary Combatant recruits,” Admiral Greyling continued.  “Today they will be facing their second challenge, where they will be separated up and stranded on an asteroid.  You will all be assisting and continuously assessed on how well you cope in the situation.  First up, we need you to go to the armoury to check their equipment and weapons.  This is a life-threatening mission that they will be sent on and any mistakes on your part will cost lives.  Dismissed.”

“Ouch,” Ismaeel mumbled as we filed out.  “No pressure.”

“Imagine making to N7 though,” Kaidan said, a faraway look in his eyes.  “Secure, covert, high-risk operations.  You’re pretty much a king in the marines.  No one gets more respect.”

“Or better pay,” Ismaeel said.  “Or better missions.  I would love to be an N7.”

“And the fact that you get recommended means that you are among the elite,” I said.  “You can’t just apply to get into the training programme.”

In the armoury, forty eight sets of armour, weapons and BOLs were laid out in neat rows on the floor.  “Two each, I guess,” a tall boy from Pod 2 said.

We each arranged ourselves along the lines of equipment and proceeded to check the armour.  I’d already moved onto making ammo clips for my first N7 when Ismaeel said, “Shep, is this ML right?”

I pressed my fingers against it.  “No,” I said.  “It shouldn’t be spongy like that.  Ask Anderson for a new one.”

“That’s cheating,” a Pod 1 boy said when Ismaeel returned.

“No, I actually think it’s smart,” Kaidan said.  “Jane and Khan just saved whoever this armour belongs to’s ass.”

“No, he means the fact that Khan asked me for help,” I said.  “Right, random dude whose name I don’t actually know or care to find out about?”

“It’s Uvaneska,” the boy said.

“Whatever,” I said.

“We’re not supposed ask for help,” Uvaneska said.

“Says who?” Cat asked.

“Come on man, it’s Pod 3,” another Pod 1 boy said.  “They think they’re fucking hot shots because they’ve won a bunch of competitions.”

“Oh, we’re hot shots now,” I said.

“Hey, Ruben,” Kaidan shouted loudly to Nina as she walked past to inspect a Pod 5 boy’s ammo clips.  “We’re hot shots.”

“I know,” she called back.  “I’m so proud of you.  You’ve given Pod 3 back its good name.”

“I never knew Pod 3 ever had a good name,” Ismaeel mumbled.

An hour later we were finished and the ICT recruits came in.  A dark haired woman with twinkling blue eyes came over to the equipment I had inspected first.  “Did you inspect my equipment, marine?” she asked.

Marine?  That was a promotion.  I stood at my straightest, my hands locked behind my back.  “Ma’am yes ma’am,” I answered in my best marine voice.

“Any problems?” she asked.

“Ma’am no ma’am,” I answered.

“How many pistol clips did you put into my BOL?”

“Ma’am one hundred ma’am,” I answered.  “And one hundred shotgun slugs ma’am.”

“Good work,” the woman said.  “What’s your name, marine?”

“Ma’am this marine is Junior Recruit Jane Shepard ma’am,” I said, a convoluted but necessary way to introduce myself.

“Good to know you, Junior Recruit Jane Shepard, I am Lieutenant-Commander Isabella Fontana,” she said.

“Ma’am likewise ma’am,” I said.  She started changing into her armour.  The man whose equipment I had checked ignored me flat.  Oh well.

“Junior recruits, fall out,” Commander Anderson said.  We followed him back to the Annexe.

“What comes next, I wonder,” Ismaeel said.

We found out soon enough when Commander Anderson commanded us to stand by a terminal.  “The ICT recruits are about to board the shuttle that will take them to their destination,” he said.  “You will be posing as their backline techs, where you will give them whatever information they need to survive longest.  Open the GPS scans of the asteroid.”

We opened the maps on our terminals.  “Now, their final destinations are NE43:157,” he went on.  “Can you see the spot on the map?  Raise your hand if you can’t.”  No one raised their hands.  “Unfortunately, the O2 tanks that the recruits have been equipped with don’t have enough gas to get them all the way there.  That is why O2 tanks have been scattered along the way to the pick-up point.  These have been highlighted as yellow triangles on the map.”  I counted the yellow triangles.  There were twenty of them, enough for less than half the recruits.  This was going to get bloody.  “Now, in order to not turn this into a complete push-over, there are obstacles to make it harder to reach the tanks.  Red squares are cannons, blue circles are explosives, either mines or bombs, yellow triangles are natural, harmless obstructions, and green spirals are locks.  Only you can see the obstacles, whoever your radio is paired with is relying on you to make sure they don’t get the shit shot out of them and the like.  Once they have reached the obstacle they should be able to deal with it.  If not, schematics, bypass models and hack codes are on your terminal and you’ll have to walk him slash her through it.  Any questions?  No?  Good.  The objective is not to reach the final destination, but rather to survive long enough to get there.”  He received a call on his radio.  “Understood, sir,” he said.  He looked at us.  “The first recruit is about to make her drop.  Turn your radios on.”

I activated my omnitool and waited.  Five minutes later I heard someone say into my radio, “Hello HQ, do you read me?”

I saw on my terminal that I was speaking to a Major Franzman.  “Major Franzman, this is HQ.  We read you loud and clear,” I said.

“Acknowledged,” Major Franzman said.  “What is the situation?”

“You need to bear south-west to reach the rendezvous,” I said.  “You’re approximately five kilometres out.  The nearest oxygen tank is three kilometres from your position.”

“Understood,” Major Franzman said.

My next call came in five minutes later.  “Hello HQ, do you read me HQ?” a very familiar voice said into my radio.  I didn’t need to check my terminal to see who the call was coming from.

“Lieutenant Jupiter, this is HQ,” I said, trying not to sound too timid.  “We read you loud and clear.”

“Acknowledged,” Lieutenant Jupiter said.  “Tell me what the situation is.”

“You need to bear due east,” I said.  “Rendezvous is North-East, but the nearest tank is two kilometres east of your position.”  There was a silence.  “Lieutenant, do you copy?”

“Damnit,” he mumbled.  “I copy, HQ.  Maintain contact.”

“Understood,” I said.  “HQ out.”

The first hour went well.  I helped Major Franzman past a ground cannon, and assisted Lieutenant Jupiter over a wall that was blocking his path.  About fifteen minutes into the second hour I helped Lieutenant Jupiter disable a heavy cannon and looked up to see Major Franzman heading straight into a field of explosives.

“Major, wait,” I started, but I was too late.  There was a dreadful pause as I waited for confirmation that I had just killed a superior officer.

“HQ?” a small voice said into my radio.

I cleared my throat.  “Major?” I asked.  “You’re still alive?”

“So it would seem,” he said dryly.  “I appear to have walked into a minefield.”

“Yes sir,” I said.

“I’m standing on a mine now,” he said, sounding very calm.  “If I lift my foot an inch, I’ll be blown to bits.”

“Yes sir,” I said.  “Um, can you see the mine?”

“I can,” he answered.

“Can you disable it?” I asked.

He snorted.  “I’m a tech expert,” he answered.  “What would I know about explosives?”

I decided not to point out that as a high-ranking officer he was bound to have come across explosives in the past.  “Can you describe the mine to me?” I asked instead, opening the page on explosives.

“Why?” he asked.

“So that I can walk you through disabling it,” I said.  Obviously.

“That’s sweet, but I think I’ll rather just call for extraction,” Major Franzman said.  “I’m clearly not cut out for N7 work.”

“What?” I asked.  “But sir, I can disable it.”  
“No offence, kid but you aren’t filling me with a whole lot of confidence,” Major Franzman said.  “You allowed me to walk into this field.”

“If you want out, fine, but I can help you disable that mine,” I said.  “You just have to trust me.”

There was a long pause.  “Send in the shuttle,” he said at last.

By midway through the third hour more than half the recruits had been extracted.  Lieutenant Jupiter was halfway to his oxygen tank, but the terrain was becoming more and more dangerous.  “Alright, Lieutenant, you have a choice,” I said.  “Climb the incredibly tall wall or attempt to circumvent the bomb.”

“The wall’s too tall for me,” he said.  “I think I’ll brave the bomb.”

“Why not use the bomb to blow the wall away?” Kaidan suggested quietly.

“Brilliant idea Alenko,” I said.  “Lieutenant, you’re going to blow the wall away.  You need to extract the core of the bomb to do this.”  I walked him through the process and he managed to blow the wall away with little trouble.

Half an hour later Kaidan, Cat, Ismaeel and I were the only ones with people left on the ground.  “Is there any way to disable TK52 antiassualt cannon?” Ismaeel asked.  “It’s firing range is one and a half ks and I don’t want to send her that far out of her way.”

“Depends,” I said.  “How good a shot is she?”

“She’s a sniper,” Ismaeel said.

“Pretty good then,” I said.  “Ask her what rifle she uses.”

“A Black Widow,” Ismaeel said after conferring with his recruit.

“Ok, that should be powerful enough,” I said.  “The gun is mounted on a pylon and is connected to the pylon by a pole.  It rotates, so it’s a structural weakness.”

“She needs to shoot the pole?” Ismaeel asked.

“Yup,” I said. 

A few minutes later Ismaeel said, “Thanks Shep, I owe you one.”

“No prob,” I said.  “Maybe you can help me with something in return.”

“Anything,” he answered.

By now everyone else was crowded around our four terminals.  I risked a glance at Commander Anderson, but his face was impassive.

“What’s the difference between a Blackstar IV explosive and an Ariake Class 5 explosive?” I asked.  I’d been listening to Lieutenant Jupiter’s description of the explosive that had two and a half minutes to go off and couldn’t work out which it was.

“A Blackstar’s timer is on top of the explosive,” Ismaeel said.

“Thanks Khan,” I said.  “Lieutenant, where is the explosive’s timer located?”

“On the left side,” Lieutenant Jupiter answered.

“Alright, we’re up against an Ariake,” I said. 

“This is bogus,” a Pod 6 boy exclaimed.

“Shut your mouth Booger,” Commander Anderson said.  I didn’t want to know what he had done to deserve that nickname.

“Alenko, which tank are you sending your soldier to?” Cat asked.

“The one to the south-west of the rendezvous,” Kaidan answered.  “About one and a half kilometres out.”

“Crap, me too,” Cat mumbled.  “Lieutenant-Commander, I’m redirecting you to a different tank.”  She listened to the Lieutenant-Commander’s reply.  “New intel has come to light.  Head due east of your position.  There’s a defence turret in your way, about five hundred metres away.”

Eventually, an hour later, Ismaeel’s last soldier made it to the rendezvous point.

“Good work everyone, let’s take five for a coffee and a fag before we debrief,” Commander Anderson said.

Good.  I was dying for a cigarette.  I stood with Ismaeel and Kaidan as we smoked.  The sun burnt down on us.

“Ugh, I’d just gotten used to the mild weather of Seattle,” I mumbled.

“What the fuck was that?” Uvaneska asked, coming over to us.

“What?” Kaidan asked.  “Our N7s working your N7s like a hooker pole?”

“You have no right to do what you did,” he shouted, eyes popping.

“Calm down, thingamajig, your face has gone a funny colour and you look like your head’s about to explode,” I said, raising my cigarette-free hand.

“Listen here midget-,” he began.

“No, you listen here,” I snapped.  “Ever since I’ve gotten to this hole in the ground, I’ve been hearing the same insults over and over again.  Midget, short stuff, titch, smallie.  It’s getting old.  Either find new insults or don’t bother talking to me, because I won’t answer.  So move your fake, busted, Pod 1 old school ass out of my vicinity, because I feel like hitting something.”

Uvaneska opened and closed his mouth a few times, before making a small spluttering sound and walking away.

“Wow,” Ismaeel said.  “That was pretty intense, Shep.”

“It worked though,” I said.  “He’s gone and you don’t have to hold me back to stop me from attacking him.”  I stubbed my cigarette out.  “Come on, let’s get back inside.”

..... 

“So, how does everyone feel that went?” Commander Anderson asked.

Uvaneska’s hand shot up.  “Sir, I think that what Pod 3 did was unfair,” he said when Commander Anderson nodded at him.

“Listen here you squinty eyed git, in combat situations you work together,” I snapped.  “It’s about getting as many people out as possible, not winning a stupid fucking competition.  Pardon my language, sir,” I added hastily.

“Despite Ken’s insubordination and terribly thought-up insults, he is correct, Dog Breath,” Commander Anderson said.  “The lesson the N7s needed to learn from this exercise was that they need the techs when they are on active duty, and the lesson you needed to learn is that you need to rely on those around you.  Kudos to Pod 3 though.  No one has ever actually worked together like this in the exercise itself, which means that you might actually be the least hopeless pod we’ve ever had in this damned place.  Anybody have anything else to ask?”

We spoke for a few more minutes about how we had felt in the tech’s chair before Commander Anderson released us.

“Oh, can you all please tell the relevant female members of your pods that there will be a meeting with them here at six?” Commander Anderson said as we got up.  “Ken, I know that you have a pair of testicles, which technically makes you a man, but you somehow manage to have a slightly above-average grasp of the female mind, which means you need to be there too.”

I wasn’t sure if that was an insult or a compliment.  “Understood, sir,” I said.

.....

“So what does he want with us?” Ash asked at five to six that evening as we walked to the Annexe.

“I don’t know,” I said.  “It’s a meeting with all the women here, maybe he’s trying to think up a good gift for his wife or something.”

“Is he even married though?” Ash asked.  “Can you imagine any woman actually voluntarily spending time with him?”

I could though.  I could see it in my mind’s eye.  Commander David Anderson comes home from a long day of work breaking down grunts to build them up.

“Pig Face, I’m home,” he would call.

“Hello Commander-Dear,” she would reply.  She is dressed in an impeccable apron.  Not a hair is out of place.

“Your shoe lace is undone,” he would say.  “A serious hazard in the domestic environment.  You might trip and knock over a vase.  Give me ten.”

“Aye aye Commander-Dear,” she would say, going onto her hands and feet and doing ten push-ups.

“And stop wheezing,” he would continue.  “This is a home, not a lung-cancer convention.”

“Ugh, it’d seriously suck being married to him,” I mumbled.

We entered the Annexe and saluted.  “Barbie, Ken,” Commander Anderson said, returning our salute.  “At ease.”  We took the remaining seats between Edwards from Pod 4 and Bridget.  “So, Ken, if the rumours are true, you are actually gay.  I always thought you were straight and porking Barbie, but I hear that you are actually sleeping with a chemist named Gcina Nceba.”

“Actually he’s just a chemistry student, sir, and we’re not having sex, but yes, the rest is mostly accurate,” I answered.

“And how do you feel about the fact that Ken has jilted you, Barbie?” Commander Anderson asked Ash.

“Mighty pissed off sir,” Ash said.  “There’s no way I’m allowing him back into my bed.”

“Good to know Barbie, good to know,” Commander Anderson said.  “Well, I didn’t call you all here to discuss Ken and Barbie’s respective sex lives, although I am sure that it would make for very interesting talk.  For example, I’ve always wondered how they even manage to have sex, given the fact that Barbie’s chest fruit are roughly the same size and shape as two beach balls with grape attachments.”

“Ok, everyone stop looking at my chest,” Ash snapped.

“Atta girl Barbie, I know PMS is hard, you don’t need to take it out on the rest of us,” Commander Anderson said boredly.  “No, the reason we are here is because it is traditional for the female grunts and an unfortunate member of the training staff to arrange the senior recruits’ graduation ball, and this year that unfortunate member of the training staff happened to be me.  Now, a few ground rules.  Speak when spoken to.  No squealing of any kind or I will have you run laps until your legs fall off.  And on no accounts whatsoever are there to be any balloons.  Certain members of the faculty are spending ten months a year on the front lines and the sound of balloons bursting tends to be distressing.  So, first up: we need a theme.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Cat murmured under her breath to Bridget.

Unfortunately, Commander Anderson heard her.  “Did you say something, Arse-Lick?” he asked calmly.

“Um, sir, I was just saying that some of us already have quite a bit on our plates,” Cat said, her face tomato red.  “You know, Ken and I are doing our training for officership training, and we have to practice for the roundrobin and the endurance test.”

“Really?” Commander Anderson asked unsympathetically.  “That must be very exhausting Arse-Lick, I’m not sure how you’d cope.  Let me tell you some of the crap I have to put up with.  See, I have to see your ugly mug for the officership training and this stupid prom.  I am dividing my time between training you idiots and fighting on the front lines against the fucking spiders.  My wife is also seven months pregnant, suffering wild mood swings and complaining that my real love is the army and you bastards.”

“Your wife’s pregnant?” Edwards asked eagerly.

“Yes, Daisy, she is, and if you squeal I will pull your hair out strand for strand with a pair of tweezers,” Commander Anderson said.  “She is displaying an array of contradictory mood swings from wildly horny to clinically depressed, so in a way I am very happy to be here watching you sweat and wheeze your way through my drills.  Also, Arse-Lick, you should be counting your blessings.  Last year Wannabe was stuck arranging this dance alone with Admiral Brawne.”

We all shuddered.  “Poor Ruben,” Cat mumbled sympathetically.

“Indeed,” Commander Anderson said.  “So be grateful there are seven other gruntets and me.  Now, themes.”

“The world is your oyster,” a Pod 5 girl said.

“Yes, but which world?” I asked.  “Certainly not this piece of crap.”

“Castles in the cloud,” Cat suggested.

“Oh God, I think I might just kill myself,” Bridget mumbled.  She raised her hand.

“What is it, Lumps?” Commander Anderson asked.

“Sir, can I be excused?” Bridget asked.  “See, I’m lesbian.  Not ‘girly-girl, she’s also my best friend, so it’s all good’ lesbian.  I’m talking proper, pissed off bitch with a capital B lesbian, which means I’m allergic to this kind of goo-goo-ga-ga set-up.”

“Lumps, Ken and I are both men, and we are sucking it up,” Commander Anderson said.

“Sir, she’s a woman,” Bridget said, exasperated.  “He, I mean, she, has a vagina.  I’ve seen it.”  There were loud gasps around the room, and I felt myself blushing.

“I admit, his balls are probably quite tiny,” Commander Anderson said.  “But just because you can’t see them, doesn’t mean they’re not there.  He’s probably shy.”

“Can we please stop talking about my privates now?” I asked loudly.

“Hey, Jane, size isn’t everything,” Ash said and broke into a loud cackle of laughter.

“Get lost, Ash,” I mumbled.

“How about Carnival?” a Pod 1 girl said excitedly.  “For the dance theme I mean.”

“No frigging way am I dressing as a clown, Thunder Thighs, I don’t care how much you make your arse wobble for me,” Commander Anderson said.

“Under the Sea,” Edwards shouted.

“Daisy, that technically counts as squealing,” Commander Anderson said.  “Go outside and run around the training field ten times and think about what you have done.”

“Yes sir,” Edwards said.  “Sorry sir.”

“You are all terrible at this, which means I will choose a theme,” Commander Anderson continued once she had left the room.  “And I am thinking: 1925.”

There was a stunned silence.  “As in the year?” Cat asked uncertainly.

“No, Arse-Lick, as in your clothing size,” Commander Anderson snapped.  “Yes, the year, you nitwit.  Give me ten for excessive stupidity.”

“Yes sir,” Cat answered.

“Now, any objections to 1925?” Commander Anderson said.

“Do we have a choice?” I asked.

“No, dumbshit, you don’t,” Commander Anderson said.  “I’m just pretending that this is a democracy so that no one goes complaining to my superiors that I’m tyrannical.  Homework for our next meeting on Wednesday: do research on parties in the year 1925 to be presented before us.  Dismissed.”

“I can’t believe I missed him,” I murmured to Ash as we left.

“I can’t believe you did either, Ken,” Commander Anderson said from behind me.

“Yes sir,” I said, jumping to attention.  “Damn few and they’re all dead, sir.”

He surveyed me for a few moments.  “Get lost Ken,” he said.  “Before I laugh.”

“Sir,” I said smartly.  “Come along, Barbie dear.”

..... 

By the end of the week all I wanted to do was go back to Matilda and Bridget’s flat and not come out.  The trainers were working us harder than ever.  Our lessons in the asari language were over, and we were now learning to speak salarian, possibly the most complex language in the galaxy, owing to the fact there are no pronouns in salarian.  Their entire speech patterns were in telegraphic speech, and one had to rely on non-verbal cues and situational context.  Unfortunately, salarians also have the tendency to speak twice as fast as humans, which meant that most non-verbal cues were lost on us.  That, and the fact that no one was sure what the correct pronunciation for the salarian word for hello (maenovarin) was causing a great deal of frustration.  Overstate the first syllable (maa-yenovarin) and you found yourself saying ‘anus tastes good’, which of course could mean ‘your anus tastes good’, ‘my anus tastes good’, ‘his/her anus tastes good’ or just plain old ‘anus tastes good’.

In math we were being taught situational calculus, which I was almost certain was bound to get me kicked out of the academy.  Ash was still coaching Kaidan and me.  However, this was proving difficult as Kaidan and my relationship was still tense, to say the least.  In the past we’d tease each other’s incompetence at math and generally drive Ash to distraction with our unwillingness to take anything seriously.  Now however we sat in silence and anything we said to each other tended to be awkward and self-conscious.

“Right, that’s it,” Ash said on our first Saturday back.  It was quiet hour and we were all working through the mountain of homework we had been given.  “You two, outside, now.”

“Ma’am yes ma’am,” I mumbled, getting up and following her and Kaidan outside to the veranda.

“Right, what’s going on?” she snapped, glaring at each of us.

“What do you mean, Ash?” Kaidan asked innocently.

“I mean that you two used to be tight, but now you hardly say anything to each other,” Ash said.  “Did something happen over the holidays that I should know about?”

“Not at all,” I said after a pause.

Ash’s mouth dropped open.  “Oh no,” she whispered.  She glared at Kaidan.  “You didn’t, Kaidan Alenko.”

He scowled.  “Yeah, yeah Ash, lay it on me,” he snapped.

“Wait a second,” I said, holding my hands up for emphasis.  “You knew he would come and ruin my date?  Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I had hoped,” she glared at Kaidan, “that I had talked him out of it, but clearly I had not.  What did you do, Kaidan?”

“He came and started sprouting random facts about my childhood,” I said furiously.

“You know, stuff like her dad pouring boiling water over her legs and shooting her in the arm,” Kaidan said.

Ash’s mouth now resembled a black hole.  “He did what, Jane?” she whispered.

“Thanks a bunch, B12, I hadn’t actually told her that,” I said acidly.  “Ash, drop it.”

“You are such a thickhead, Alenko,” Ash said in a more normal voice.

“Yeah, tell me something I don’t know Ashley,” Kaidan snapped.

“I told you what would happen if you did this, and you still went and did it, you dumbass biotic,” Ash went on.

“Wait, why are you insulting his biotics?” I asked.  “It’s not as if they took control of his mind and forced him to come be an asshole.”

“Well, in a way they did,” Kaidan mumbled.

I’d had enough of the drama.  “Explain now, so that we can sort this out and get on with our lives,” I snapped.

“Well, all biotics have this problem,” Kaidan said.  “Our implants are put into our prefrontal cortex, where the executive function is found.”  He waited.

“I never did biology,” I said impatiently.  “What does that mean?”

“The executive function is in charge of planning and impulse control,” Kaidan explained.  “It also helps people learn from their mistakes.  Unfortunately, the operation to place the implant pretty much destroys the prefrontal cortex, which is why you’ll find so many biotics are drug addicts or criminals.  It’s also why, until recently I was addicted to red sand, and why I’ve already killed two people in my life.”

“So, what, all biotics are sociopaths?” I asked, unimpressed.

“Antisocial is the term most people use to label us with, but yeah, I guess,” Kaidan said.  “Anyway, it’s not as if I forget consequences of stuff that’s already happened to me.  I have a list of consequences that I add to each time I do something where I don’t know what the outcome will be.  So, yeah, my sob story for the day.  Enjoy.”

“Fine,” I said at last.  “The three of us are a team, and we’ll be competing in the roundrobin in four months.  We need to get back our previous level of trust.  Therefore, Kaidan, I am willing to put what you did behind me if you are willing to accept that I am going out with another guy and currently unavailable.”

Kaidan thought for a moment.  “Fine,” he said at last.  “I can do that.  But know this, Jane, if I get the sense that there are problems between you and chemistry dude, I am back in the game.”

“Deal,” I said.  “Anything you want to add, Ash?”

Ash had a motherly look on her face.  “My baby has two guys chasing after her,” she said proudly.  “She’s all grown up.”

“Williams?” Kaidan said.  “Shut up.”

“Gotcha, Kay,” she said.

“Now, we need to train hard,” I said as we made our way back to our dorm.  “We need to win the roundrobin.  I’m not paying Thembani sixteen hundred credits.”

“You have one billion credits, Janey, what’s a lousy one thousand six hundred?” Ash asked.

“It’s not about the money,” I explained.  “It’s a matter of pride.”

The third source of great stress and exhaustion was the officership training.  On our third day back we were each assigned to an N7 candidate as a com officer slash gunnery chief.  Our jobs basically consisted of monitoring communications for the recruits, sifting out non-essential emails (for instance, junk mail), but allowing through other correspondence (‘mission updates’, personal emails, and so on).  The second half of our jobs required us to check our recruits’ equipment before missions and filling BOLs.  Both these jobs took up a lot of time, and I often found myself working past lights-out.

I had been assigned to Major Jupiter, which originally had filled me with excitement.  However, the moment I left the villa to watch the news, I was cornered by Lieutenant Jupiter.  “So, you’re the grunt assigned to my sister?” he asked.

“Um, yes sir,” I said nervously.

“Alright short stuff, I’m going to talk now and you’re going to listen,” he said in a dangerously soft voice, his green eyes hard as steel.  “If you interrupt me, I will put you on a charge for insubordination.  Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes sir,” I said huskily, praying he wouldn’t hit me.

“Now, my sister is the only family I have,” he said.  “We never had parents, and she is the only person in the galaxy that I would happily die for.  Ever since we joined the marines, it has been her lifelong ambition to become an N7.  Now, she is nearly there, and I will do anything to make sure that she is one of the final two people that are selected.  So, if you do anything to undermine her chances, I will make you regret it for the rest of your life.  Do you understand me, grunt?”

I nodded mutely.

“Good,” he said.  “Then, I suppose it is unnecessary for me to say that I will be watching you very carefully from now on.”  He saluted me.  “Who’s like us?” he asked.

I saluted back.  “Damn few, and they’re all dead,” I said in a trembling voice.

“Good girl,” he said.  “Right, Junior Recruit whatever your name is, dismissed.”

Needless to say, after that, I obsessively checked and rechecked Major Jupiter’s equipment whenever she was sent out.  As a person however, she was quite a disappointment, as she barely spoke three words to me.  Too busy being a hero, I decided.

The fourth source of stress was planning a dance themed 1925 with seven other girls and Commander Anderson.  Most of them were referring to me as ‘boy’ by that stage.  Enough said.

The fifth source of stress was our combat training, or more specifically, my new partner.  In our first combat session of the new year Admiral Brawne asked us, “So, how did you all find the combat simulator?”

“Alright,” Ismaeel said after a pause.

“It could’ve gone better if I’d had someone with me,” Bridget said.  “When they started coming from behind me, it’d have been nice to have someone covering my flank.”

“Excellent point, Fredrich,” Admiral Brawne said.  “That was exactly the point of sending you through survival on your own, so that you could see how valuable it is to have a partner with you.  Today, I will be assigning you each to your new partner.  As is traditional in the both the marines and the gunners, the weak will be partnered with the strong, to ensure that the weak also have a chance to survive.”

This sounded dangerous on many levels.  It was Cat that verbalised what I was thinking.  “But, sir, isn’t there the risk that the weak recruit will put the strong recruit in danger as the strong recruit tries to protect him?” she asked.

“Yes, McDougal, here in the academy there is that risk,” Admiral Brawne said.  “However, you must bear in mind that the truly weak recruits will most likely graduate N1.  In the military the weak soldiers are the soldiers that aren’t as strong as the strong soldiers.  So, without further ado, here are your partners until the end of the year: in Pod 3 Alenko is with Jones, McDougal with Tobrin, Khan with Kim, Fredrich with Sonier, Shepard with Mahlberg, and Chokovic with Williams.”

I was not overly thrilled to be partnered up with a man whose level of intelligence was about level with that of an intellectually disabled vorcha, but I decided to make the most of it.

“Good to have you on the team, Mahlberg,” I said when Admiral Brawne ordered us to move.

“I’m going to take you down, dwarf,” he said threateningly.

“Um, something tells me you’re missing the point here, Mahlberg,” I said.  “You’re meant to try and keep me alive.”

“Why?” he asked in confusion.

“Oh God, it’s going to be an interesting year,” I mumbled.

Admiral Brawne then proceeded to explain that the next combat simulator we would be going through at the end of the week would be Capture, where we had to fight our way through hordes of somethings intent on inflicting bodily harm to specific data points where we had to upload the data onto a datapad.  Simple enough.  Admiral Brawne spent the week lecturing us on how best to approach this challenge.  On Sunday, I was called from my religious contemplation on the shooting range to have my turn in the Capture simulator.  We fought our way easily enough through the hordes of batarians intent on inflicting bodily harm to the first data point.  There, I figured that I was probably the better choice to upload the data as I actually knew how to operate a datapad, and I was still uncertain if Mahlberg knew how to read.

“Watch my flank,” I ordered Mahlberg as I knelt down to begin the upload.  He didn’t move, and I looked up to find his eyes locked on my ass.  “What are you doing?” I asked impatiently.

“Watching your flank,” he explained.

“Of all the-,” I began.  “Make sure no enemies come and shoot us,” I ordered.

“Oh, right,” he said.  He shut his left eye, raised his pistol and swept it in an arc around the room.

“No, why did you shut your eye?” I asked in alarm.

“To aim,” he said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“You don’t shut your eye when you aim,” I said.  That’s when I decided that this was not going to work.  “You do the upload,” I said.  “I’ll watch your flank.”

He nodded and knelt by the datapad.  I moved to the doorway, where a group of a couple of dozen batarians had gathered with the intention of inflicting more bodily harm on us.  I chucked a grenade into their midst (dummy grenades had become standard issue in our BOLs) and shot the rest down with my shotgun.

“How’s it coming there, Mahlberg?” I called over my shoulder.

“Uh-Puh-Ll-Oh-Ah-Duh five zero funny squiggle Kuh-Oh-Mm-Puh-Ll-Eh-Tuh-Eh,” he said.  It took me a while to translate that into ‘Upload fifty per cent complete’. 

“Good work,” I called.  I shot a few more batarians until I heard the datapad give a loud beep, indicating that the upload was finished.

“Let’s move,” I suggested. 

We fought our way to the next data point.  “Get to it, Mahlberg,” I said, positioning myself by the door.

“Get to what?” he asked moronically.

“The upload, Lurch, get to the upload,” I said.  The people watching this on TV were probably chuckling merrily at my idiot partner.  “Get the datapad out and start the upload.”

“What datapad?” he asked.

“The datapad that we were issued,” I shouted, shooting a couple of batarians.

“The one on the floor?” he asked, lighting breaking on his face like the new dawn.

“Yes, the datapad on the did you leave it behind?” I asked loudly.

“I-I-,” he stammered.

“Goddamnit, Mahlberg,” I nearly screamed. 

Somewhere out there, some man walked into the TV room to see his entire family rolling on the floor, howling with laughter.

“Watching a new sitcom are we?” he asked.

“No,” his wife said, wiping tears from her eyes.  “Alliance military training.”

We finished stone last that day.

..... 

January for the most part was uneventful.  We all trained hard for the endurance competition in February.  No one seemed to know what it was though.

“Daddy says that it’s really painful,” Cat said one evening as we did a particularly horrible salarian translation during quiet hour.

“Your father says a lot of things McDougal,” Bridget mumbled.  “What the hell does ‘miayalagdosh’ mean?”

“Myaalajidodge and it means ‘last night’,” Cat said.

“What the hell do you need four syllables to say ‘last night’ for?” Ismaeel asked.  “This language is ridiculous.”

I was still top of the weapons and armoury class and I was doing relatively well in my other programmes.  I was still average at fitness, but had decided to embrace this.  Unfortunately, I was still running with Kaidan, which, despite both our best efforts, was horrendously awkward. 

The third Sunday of January was com Sunday, something that filled me with both excitement and dread.  I phoned Jason first.

“Hey Shay,” he said, when he finally came onto the line.

“Hey Jase,” I said.  “How’re you doing?  You back on the Citadel?”

“Yeah,” Jason said.  “I’m good.  Kind of missing the fresh air though, you know?”

“You grew up on a ship, you’ll get used to the artificial stuff,” I said.  “How was Sur’Kesh?”

“Awesome,” Jason said, his eyes lighting up.  “I learnt how to make an extranet site, and how to do basic programming on military computers.”

“Sounds fun,” I said.  “I see you also learnt how to program rude VIs.”

“Yeah,” Jason said.  “You like it?”

“Sure,” I said.  “It tended to pop up at inappropriate times and announce the calorie count of each meal I ate.  I’m not allowed to have my omnitool with me though, so it’s currently hibernating in the storeroom.”

“Hey Shane,” Ash said over my shoulder.

“Ash,” Jason said shyly.  I rolled my eyes.

“Did you know your sister has a boyfriend?” she asked.

“What?” Jason asked.  “Who?”

“A chemistry student in Seattle,” I said hastily, glaring at Ash.  “He’s eighteen and studying at the Alliance Open University.  How come you never told me that Mom and Dad had left me one billion credits?”

“That would have been a nice conversation,” Jason said.  “Hey sis, are you having fun learning to kill things?  PS, you’re a billion credits richer than you thought you were.  Mozel Tov.”

“Well, it’d have been a start,” I said.  “What did they leave you?”

“Gaming program,” he answered.  “Apparently Mom was a keen programmer as a kid too.  The lawyer said anyway.”

I glanced up at the clock.  “Has the war affected things on the Citadel yet?” I asked. 

“Not really,” Jason answered.  “According to stuff on the extranet the Council isn’t really endorsing the war either way.  The batarians are pretty much out of favour here, what with the slavery stuff, so technically the Council will support us over them.  We’ll see what happens.  We’ve been getting a bunch of evacuees from Skyllia at the home, and there’s talk of issuing a conscription.  Guess it’s a good thing I’m a crip.”

“Yeah, well according to one of our trainers, less than three per cent of the human population is in the military,” I said.  “Kind of scary if you think there are close to fifty billion of us out in the galaxy.  Anyway, I have to go.  I need to call Gcina.”

“Who?” Jason asked.

“My boyfriend,” I said.  “Keep up Jason.”

“You would pick a guy whose name I have no hope of pronouncing,” Jason mumbled.  “Sheena, Jshena.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I said.  “See you.”

“Yeah yeah, see you next month,” he said.  “Miss you, Shay.”

“You too,” I said.  “Keep safe.”

I hung up and called Gcina, trying to keep my heart from pounding too much.  He picked up on the fifth ring.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hi,” I said somewhat breathlessly.

“How’re you doing?” he asked.

“I’m good,” I said.  “You?”

“Great, now that I’ve finally heard from you,” he said.  “Who are they?”

I turned to see my entire Pod crowding behind me.  Well, all but Kaidan, who I saw beating a hasty retreat out of the dorm.

“Um, Pod 3, meet my boyfriend,” I said.  “Boyfriend, meet Pod 3.”

“Hi,” Gcina said, waving.

“Hm, he is quite good looking,” Cat said.

“Right, get lost guys, this is a private-ish conversation,” I said.  I waited until they’d moved back to their beds before saying, “ So, how’s university?”

“Not bad,” he answered.  “I’ve had a bunch of assignments due, so I’ve been really busy.  How’s the army?”

“As crap as ever,” I said, rolling my eyes.  “Nay, crapper.  I’m exhausted, and I’ve only been back for three weeks.”

“I’m sorry, baby,” he said.  Baby?  No one had called me that before.  Well, no one who wasn’t a misogynist.  “What’s been happening?”

“Well, the usual crap with training,” I answered.  “Then, I’m helping arrange the graduation ball for the seniors as well as doing officer training stuff.  I think the most of slept in the last three weeks is two and a half hours.”

“And the least?” he asked.

I pulled a face.  “We’re having a long week at the moment,” I explained.  “I haven’t slept at all this week.”

“Wow,” he said, his eyes wide.  “How do you cope?”

“Lots of coffee and cigarettes,” I explained.

“Ah,” he said.  “So, do you miss me?”

“Of course I miss you,” I said.  “Do you miss me?”

“Hell yeah I miss you,” he answered.  “My buddies are really keen to meet you to.  They somehow don’t believe that I’m going out with someone in the army.”

“Well, I already have a wager with one South African,” I said.  “Might as well give me an incentive.”

“Huh?” he asked. 

“I have a bet with one of the senior students,” I said.  “Anyway, the bet is long and convoluted, but the general gist is that if I win a competition in April, I win the bet.  The first prize of the competition is twenty four hours’ shore leave.  I was thinking I could use that time to see you, and, you know…” I trailed off suggestively.

Behind me there were groans of ‘sweet Jesus’, ‘really?’ and ‘that’s an image I can’t get rid of’.

“Shut up, or get out,” I snapped.  “I listen to you all talking dirty to your boy slash girlfriends.”

“That sounds fantastic,” Gcina answered.

“What, the listening to dirty talk?” I asked in surprise.  “It sucks balls, pun intended.”

“No, I meant the shore leave,” Gcina said.

“Oh,” I said.  “Sweet.”  I looked at the clock.  “Listen, my time’s up,” I said.  “I have to go.”

“Aw, ok,” he said.  “Stay safe.  I miss you.”

“Miss you too,” I answered.  I waited.  “Still here, Gcina?”

“Waiting for you to hang up,” he answered.

“Well, I’m waiting for you to hang up, so get to it,” I said.

“No, you hang up,” he said.

“No, you hang up,” I replied.

This went on for a couple of minutes until a pale hand reached over my shoulder and hit the end call button.  “I’ll hang up,” Zac said.

“Tobrin,” I groaned.

“Beat it, Shepard,” he snapped.

I danced back to my bed.

..... 

The Wednesday after com Sunday I was down in the villa (the nickname for the N7 recruit quarters), sifting through Major Jupiter’s mail.  Major Jupiter lay stretched out on her bed, trying to memorise the major star constellations visible in the Krogan DMZ.

“Grunt,” she said after I had deleted what felt like the fifty millionth junk email.

“Ma’am?” I asked, getting up.

“As you were,” she said.  “Do you know anything about the Krogan DMZ?”

I was silent for a moment.  Major Jupiter had barely said two words to me in the time I had been working for her.  This felt like a moment of truth.  “Well, we have a colony there,” I said.  “Akuze.  It’s in the Dranek system.  They manufacture munitions there.  Also, my parent died in the DMZ.  And Tuchanka, the krogan homeworld, is found in the Aralakh system.  Other than that, no ma’am, I don’t.”

“So you don’t know anything about the constellations there?” she asked me.

“No ma’am,” I said.  “Sorry.”

“Fuck,” she mumbled.  “I have a test tomorrow at eight on the constellations found in Citadel space, and I’m still stuck on the Krogan DMZ.”

This was my moment to make it big with one of the greatest heroes in modern history.  “Can I help, ma’am?” I asked somewhat timidly.

She cocked her head to one side.  “What school system did you go through?” she asked.

“I started out in Triple A, ma’am,” I said.  “My dad took me out when I was six though.  I never finished school.”

“Really?” she asked in amazement.  “You know, Skye and I never did a day’s schooling in our lives?  When we came to Del Sol for the first time, neither of us could read, do maths, write or speak a word of protha.”

I wanted to ask why this was, but something told me I didn’t want to hear the answer to that question.  Instead I stayed silent.

“I should have stayed on the Everest,” she mumbled after a pause.  “I suck at this.  Maybe I should quit.”

“No,” I said in alarm.  She raised her eyebrows.  “I mean, no ma’am,” I said hastily.  “You can’t quit ma’am.”

“And why is that exactly?” she asked.

“Ma’am, you’re a hero,” I said.

She snorted.  “All I did was do my job, Junior Recruit-,” there was a pregnant pause.  “I don’t know your name,” she said apologetically.

“Oh,” I said.  “Um, Shepard, Jane Shepard.”

“Right, Junior Recruit Shepard,” she said.  “I don’t see how that makes me a hero.”

“Ma’am, you saved an entire city and repelled the batarian invaders without losing a man,” I said.  “Did you know that until now only men have received the medal of valour?  You’ve become a symbol to all women in the marines, what we aspire to become.”

“Right, Shepard and did you know that the batarians bombed the Jesus out of Paz Nuevo a week later and two hundred and fifty people died in one day?” she asked.  “I didn’t make one bit of difference.  Those people still died, they just did it seven days later than expected.”

I had no reply to this.  We were silent until I had finished trolling the emails.  “May I go, ma’am?” I asked.

“Dismissed Shepard,” she said.

I put my jacket on and got up to leave.

“Girl,” she said.

“Yes ma’am?” I asked.

“Trust me, I’m the last person in the world you want to model yourself after,” she said.  “There are way better women out there.”

“None like you, ma’am,” I said.  “Good night.”

 .....

Our next assessment week was in the first week of February.  Sven and I performed better in the Capture simulator, primarily because I learnt to tell him in detail everything he had to do.  In the end we came in sixth out of Pod 3 and Pod 4.  Admiral Brawne announced that our next challenge would be the hunt challenge.  I actually thought the hunt challenge sounded most fun.  Basically we had to run through the simulator, looking for anything to shoot.  We started with sixty seconds on the clock, which counted down.  However, every time we killed something, ten seconds was added to the clock.  From what I remembered from watching recruits in the sims on TV each year, the challenge started with a bunch of enemies in a huge group, which then slowly spread out until you were running into single opponents.  An added bonus was that Sven only had to concentrate on one task at a time.

 .....

Commander Anderson was assessing our swimming abilities.  We stood on the edge of the pool in our swim suits whilst he marched up the line.  “Christ, if the batarians could see you now,” he mumbled.

“Win us the war?” I asked quirkily.

“Shut up you stupid boy,” he snapped.  “It’d more likely lose us the war.”

“Sir,” I said.

“All of you, in the water,” he snapped.  He was clearly in a terrible mood.  “I want you all to give me at least one hundred laps before the two hours are up.”

“Sir yes sir,” we all groaned, and dived into the water.

Under Cat’s tender guidance I had almost learnt to swim in a straight line.  By the end of the two hours I had managed forty two laps.  I groaned in relief when the time was up and Commander Anderson said, “Everyone out.”  We swam to the edge of the pool and clambered out.

“Uh uh, not you Ken,” he said.

“Sir?” I panted.

“You were on forty laps,” he said.  “You need to do another sixty before you are clear to go.”

“Sir, I need to be on the shooting range with Admiral Greyling now,” I said.

“Ken, think of a number between one and ten,” he said.

I scowled and got back into the pool.  How dare he steal my insults?  Pod 5 and Pod 6 filed into the room, casting confused glances at me.  “Pay no head to the little boy in the pool,” Commander Anderson told them.  “Now, hopefully this bunch of hopeless losers will do better than the previous group.  In the pool now, arse biters and give me one hundred laps before the end of the two hours or I will give you the same treatment I’m giving Ken.”

By the end of the two hours I had done seventy five hours.  My legs were aching, my arms were on fire and my lungs were pulling, but I kept swimming.  “Keep going, Ken,” Commander Anderson ordered when I reached the end.

“Sir,” I gasped out, and turned.

It took another hour to finish the final twenty laps.  I got out of the pool and stood to attention.

“Dismissed, Junior Recruit,” he said.

I saluted.  “Thank you sir,” I gasped.

I picked up my BOL, towel and uniform and went to the changing room, where I had an asthma attack, perhaps the worst attack I’d had since I was small.  Thankfully the changing room was empty.  When I was able to breathe properly again I sat with my back against the wall.  For some weird reason I felt like bursting into tears.  I pulled myself together, got dressed and went to tech.  For the first time ever I got a four in weapons and armoury.

 .....

During Propaganda Hour Commander Anderson called all the officership training recruits into the pool room again.  “Now, I doubt this has made the news yet because it only happened last month, but I have been recommended for a Churchill Medal,” he said.  “I need a grunt to accompany me to the ceremony to announce me.”

“I thought it was tradition for one of your subordinates from your squad to do it,” Cat said.  “Why can’t they?”

Commander Anderson turned on her and she shrank down.  “Because my entire squad was killed in an attempt to retake Montenegro,” he said coldly. 

“I-yes sir,” Cat said.  “Sorry sir.”

He glared at her for a few moments more.  “Now, I want two laps from you,” he said.  “Whoever comes last is it.”

My arms were still trembling from my exertions of earlier, but I dived in.  Kaidan came first obviously.  Sometimes I hated him more than I hated Cat and Giovanni.  I came last.

“Looks like you’re it, Ken,” Commander Anderson said. 

“Yes sir,” I said.

“The ceremony is on the eighteenth of March,” he said.  “Speak to one of your officers about getting dress blues.”

“Yes sir,” I said.

 .....

We were on the climbing wall in fitness the next day, which was located right next to the obstacle course.  After giving us a rather violent pep talk, Commander Anderson had us put on harnesses and ropes and goes, two at a time, up the wall.

“Jeez, he’s not doing well, is he?” Ash asked in an undertone as Mikhail and Bridget climbed the wall.

“Yeah, but imagine being the only one to make it out,” I said.  “It’d be terrible.”

“What’s that?” Kaidan asked, his eyes on the horizon.

“What’s what?” Ash asked, tightening the buckles on her harness.

“There’s something weird with the energy levels here,” Kaidan said.  He frowned.  “It’s probably nothing.”

“I wonder what happened though,” I said.  “How did an entire unit get massacred?”

“I’d say superior firepower,” Kaidan mumbled, still squinting into the distance.

“Are you trying to look deep and meaningful, Kay?” Ash asked, grinning.  “Because you look like an idiot.”

I laughed, then coughed.  “You ok?” Kaidan asked.

“Yeah,” I said, trying to catch my breath.  It felt almost as though I was about to have an asthma attack, except I wasn’t doing anything over strenuous.  The only reason this would be happening was-

“Gas!” Kaidan and I bellowed at exactly the same time and fumbled into our BOLs for our gas masks.

“What?” Ash asked, but the others had already taken up the cry.

“Alenko, Shepard,” Commander Anderson snapped, coming over.

“Gas, sir,” I shouted.

Maybe there was something in my voice that convinced him, because he pulled his gas mask out and put it on.

“Base, there are allegations of gas,” he said into his omnitool.  “Please investigate.  Everyone into the shelter,” he shouted to us.

We followed him into the nearest bunker.  We had just gotten into it when the siren rang out.  “Check that your partner is here,” Commander Anderson ordered tersely.

I spotted Sven standing on the other side of the shelter.  “Where’s Tobrin?” I heard Cat shout.

“Shit,” Kaidan said.  “He went to the rest room, remember?”

“He could be anywhere,” Ash said.

“We can’t stay in here,” Kaidan said loudly.  “He’s part of the unit.”

“Where would we look?” Ash snapped.  “Besides, the radiation would kill us.”

“I know where he is,” I said quietly.  “Kaidan, with me.  Ash, run interference.”

“What are you going to do?” Ash asked in alarm.

“Kaidan can make a biotic bubble, keep the radiation off us,” I said.  “Come on.”

We had reached the door of the shelter when I heard Commander Anderson shout, “Shepard, Alenko, where are you going?”

I turned, preparing to think of some bullshit story, but Ash got there first.  She tapped Anderson on the shoulder.  “Sir,” she said.

“What is it, Barbie?” he snapped, turning towards her.

She punched him hard in the jaw.  “Go,” she shouted at us.

Kaidan raised his arms above his head.  “Stay close to me,” he advised.

I wrapped one arm around his waist and pushed the door open with the other.  “Is your bubble up?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said.  “I don’t know how long I can keep it up though.  Where are we going?”

“The obstacle course,” I said.

..... 

It was a disconcerting thing, to walk under a biotic bubble through nuclear radiation.  I couldn’t see the bubble itself, but I could see the point where the bubble parted the gas. 

“Are you doing alright?” I asked Kaidan.

“Yeah,” he panted.  “My head’s hurting, but I’m ok for now.”

We reached the obstacle course.  “Tobrin,” I shouted.  “Tobrin, you here?”

There was no reply.  “Where now Jane?” Kaidan asked.

“The tunnel,” I said. 

He was curled up in the middle of the tunnel.  “Tobrin,” I said.

He looked up.  His mask was on, but the skin on his arms was bubbling.  “Shepard?” he asked.  “Alenko?”

“Come on,” I said.  “We need to get you out of there.”

He crawled towards us, and when I judged him to be close enough to me, I reached out with my left arm to grab him.

“Jane, no,” Kaidan shouted, too late, as I felt the skin on my arm begin to burn.  I yelled out and grabbed the sleeve of Zac’s vest and began dragging him towards us.  “You have to help her out, Tobrin,” Kaidan ordered.

I pulled him under the bubble.  “Let’s get back,” I said, wincing at the pain in my arm.

“You came back for me,” Zac whispered.

“Of course we came back for you,” I said, dragging him along.  “Help me, Tobrin, I hurt my arm and I’m not strong enough to carry you.”

“Jane, I can’t keep this up much longer,” Kaidan whispered.

“Almost there,” I said.  “Tobrin, Zac, stay with me.”

We reached the door.  I banged on it.  “Let us in,” I shouted.

“Who is it?” Commander Anderson shouted through the door.

“Shepard and Alenko,” I shouted.  “We have Tobrin with us.  He needs urgent medical attention.”

“We can’t let you in,” Commander Anderson shouted after a pause.  “I’m sorry, Shepard.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“You’ll bring in about ten gallons of radiation,” he said.  “You could kill us all.  I’ll send word, hazmat will pick you up as soon as the raid is over.”

I could feel Kaidan trembling next to me.  Zac collapsed against my shoulder.

“Sir, we can’t last that long,” I said.

“I’m sorry Shepard,” he answered.

“I can’t, Jane,” Kaidan said softly.

My arm throbbed.  I refused to look at it.  “You have to,” I said, trying to sound calm.  “What do you need?”

“Move against the wall,” he said.  “Sit down.”

I pulled Zac against the wall and sat down next to him.  Kaidan sat down on my other side, and I watched as the gas pressed down closer to us.  Kaidan was shrinking the size of the bubble.  I pulled my gas mask off.  “I’m not dying with this thing on,” I said.  Kaidan looked at me.  “Want me to take yours off?”  He nodded, so I pulled his gas mas off.

“I need water, Jane,” he said.  I pulled my bottle out of my BOL and raised it to his lips.

“Enough?” I asked.  He nodded, so I set about trying to stabilize Zac.

I didn’t know exactly how to deal with radiation poisoning, so I gave him immunoboosters, pain killers and dabbed medigel and burn ointment on the worst of the burns.  I then steeled myself and looked at my own arm.  The skin was peeling off and blood was oozing slowly down my hand.  I rubbed medigel and burn ointment into the wound, and wrapped a bandage around my arm and hand.

“Jane?” Kaidan asked in a small voice.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“I’m hungry.”

Biotics tended to burn more calories than other humans and when they were using their powers they used up a lot of energy.  Because of this, they needed frequent breaks from using their powers where they tanked up on high-energy foods.

I emptied Zac’s BOL onto the ground.  “I have chocolate,” I said.  “Will that do?”

“Yeah,” he said.

I broke the chocolate into small pieces and fed it to him, piece by piece.  When the last of the chocolate had been eaten I sat up closer to Kaidan and rested my head against his shoulder.  “You can’t go to sleep,” he said.  “I need you to stay awake.”

“Of course,” I said, even though my head was swimming.

“Do you think we’re going to die?” he asked.

“No,” I said.  “We’ll make it.  I have no intention of dying now.”

“In case we die though,” Kaidan began.

“We’re not going to die,” I snapped.

“You don’t know that, Janey,” he said gently.

“I do,” I insisted.  “So stop with this talk.”

He leaned his forehead against the top of my head.  “Anything you want,” he whispered.

We were under the bubble seven hours in total.  For the most part, we were silent.  Zac was still unconscious and every half an hour I would check his vitals to make sure he was still alive.  For the rest, I stayed leaned against Kaidan’s shoulder, feeling him tremble from the exertion, feeling his sweat soak my T-shirt.  Even though I desperately wanted to sleep, I kept myself awake, because I knew that, in Kaidan’s place, I would not want to be left alone.  So I watched the swirls made by the gas outside our bubble and counted Kaidan’s breaths.  Eventually I noticed that the gas seemed to be thinning, and I pointed this out to Kaidan.

“Yeah,” he said, his voice faint.  “Maybe.”

About two hours after this the all clear sounded.  I turned to Kaidan.  “You did it,” I whispered.

“Yeah,” he murmured quietly.  “I did it.”

And he slumped down into a dead faint against my shoulder.  I stayed awake long enough to see large, white suited shapes walking over to us, before I also passed out.

..... 

I had the sense of having been asleep for a long time.  My limbs were heavy as though I had run a really high fever.  I didn’t really wake up, but I was aware of voices nearby.

“He’ll be alright,” one voice said.  “Shepard applied the burn ointment and medigel correctly, and the immunoboosters helped a great deal as well.”

“And Shepard?” a second voice asked. 

“She should be fine too, although there is going to be quite a bit of scarring,” the first voice said.   “Best I can tell, she will regain full functionality.”

“Thank God,” the second voice said.  “What about Alenko?”

“Still critical,” the first voice said worriedly.  “He strained his implant’s capabilities to the fullest capacity and caused some internal bleeding in his forebrain.  We’re running treatments to reduce the damage, but so far it doesn’t appear to have much effect.  Also, he doesn’t seem to be responding to the cancer treatment.”

“Commander,” a third voice said.

“Admiral,” the second voice said. 

“At ease,” the third voice said.  “How are they?”

“Tobrin and Shepard are responding well to treatment and should be woken up in a day or two,” the first voice said.  “Alenko is still critical.”

“Do what you can for him, doctor,” the third voice said.

“Yes sir,” the first voice said and a pair of footsteps walked away. 

“Do you have any idea what happened?” the second voice said.

“For some reason the sensors were offline,” the third voice said.  “As far as the techs can work out, they’ve been offline since December week.    The techs have no idea why they didn’t pick it up.”

“The sensors just happened to be offline?” the second voice asked tensely.

“I’m not sure what you’re implying, Commander,” the third voice said.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, sir, but the Alliance Military seems to be shrinking rapidly,” the second voice said slowly.  “The crews of the Hugo Grayson, the Jakarta, the Lady Victoire, the Gandhi and the Hastings all disappear without a trace.  The war on Skyllia.  Now this.”

“How do you know the crews of those ships disappeared?” the third voice asked coldly.  The second voice said nothing.  “Commander Anderson, the allegations you are making are way above your pay grade,” the third voice said eventually.  “There is a chain of command.  I suggest you follow it.”

“Yes sir,” the second voice said resentfully.

“One other thing, Commander,” the third voice said.  “I want you to stay very far away from Saren Arterus when he gets here.  I know about the history the two of you have.”

“Understood, sir,” the second voice said.

I drifted back into sleep.

..... 

I woke up properly the next afternoon.  Muted sunlight streamed through the window and across the ceiling.  I blinked a few times.  My head felt as though it was filled with cotton wool and my left arm ached.  I continued to stare up at the ceiling, assembling everything I could remember about what had led to my being in the bed.

Dr Du Pre walked into the room.  “Awake, are you?” he asked.

“No, sir, I just sleep with my eyes open these days,” I said raspily.

“So, you retained your smart mouth did you?” he asked, smiling slightly as he checking the machinery I was attached to.  “I have to say grunt, you may be a complete pain in the ass, but you have a pair of steel balls.”

“Thank you, sir,” I said.  “Did the others make it?”

“Junior Recruit Tobrin appears to have made a full recovery,” Dr Du Pre said.  “We’ll wake him up tomorrow morning.  His parents are here.  They’re having dinner right now with the admirals.”

“And Kaidan?” I asked quietly.

“Junior Recruit Alenko is still comatose,” he said briskly.  “He isn’t responding to treatment.  We don’t know yet whether he’ll make it.”  He paused for a moment.  “I promise I’ll do everything in my power to bring him back alive.”

“Thank you,” I whispered.

Commander Anderson came to visit a few hours later.  “So, Ken, you are either the bravest or the stupidest recruit we’ve ever had at this dump,” he said, sitting down.  “My money’s on the latter.”

I nodded at the bruise on his chin.  “Ash give you that?” I asked.

He rubbed the bruise ruefully.  “Barbie packs quite a punch,” he said.  “You wouldn’t think so, looking at her.”

“Yes sir,” I said.

“Now, the reason I am here, Ken, is because Dr Du Pre did an X-ray of your lungs and found something rather odd,” he said.

My heart sank.  “Oh?” I said neutrally.

“Yes,” he continued.  “He said that if the medical board had known what condition your lungs are in, you would never have been allowed into the army.”

I sighed.  “I-,” I began.

“I told him to leave it out of the records,” Commander Anderson interrupted.  “The way things are at the moment, we need all the soldiers we can get.”

“So…I can stay?” I asked.

“Yes,” Commander Anderson said.  “You seem to be handling it well enough at the moment, and I imagine that it’s because of them that you picked up on the gas.  Just know this, Ken,” he frowned sternly at me, “this doesn’t mean I’m going to go easy on you.  You’re still expected to be as good as the others.”

“I don’t want preferential treatment,” I said. 

“Good, because I don’t give preferential treatment,” Commander Anderson said briskly.  “Nor does anyone else in this place.  Get well soon, Ken, we need men like you.”

“Understood, sir,” I said.

...... 

Commander Anderson was the only visitor I got that first day.  I heard later that Ash pretty much camped outside the med bay, but Dr Du Pre would not allow her in, citing my need for rest and undertaxation.  That night, after I’d pretended to go to sleep, I waited until he had retired to his own quarters before slipping out of bed and going over to Zac’s bed.  It was slow going because I had to drag the trolley with all the machines keeping me alive along, and my head was pounding so badly I thought it might burst.

Most of Zac’s body was covered in a swathe of bandages, and he had lesions all over his face, no doubt from where the doctor had removed cancerous tumours.  The top of his head was as smooth as a new born.  Alarmed, I ran my hand through my hair and was relieved to find that only a few hairs parted from my scalp.  I had not been exposed to the radiation for nearly as long as Zac had been.

I turned my attention to where Kaidan lay in the next bed.  He had at least twice as many machines around his bed as Zac and me, all of which beeped or hissed despondently.  His face was death-mask pale and he had deep circles around his eyes.

“Hey, Kaidan,” I whispered, pressing my hand against his forehead.  It was burning hot with fever.  “It’s me, Jane.”  I swallowed, feeling foolish.  “Please, don’t die, Kaidan,” I continued.  “I don’t think I could live with myself if you died because of me.  I-you mean a lot to me, and you saved my life.  I will never be able to repay what you did for me.”

I put my lips against his.  “Please stay with me,” I whispered.  After a moment’s hesitation, I got into the bed with him.  When Dr Du Pre found me there the next morning, I expected him to tell me off, but all he did was say, “Into your own bed please, Shepard, a man in a coma would not be a good first time sexual experience.”

“No sir,” I mumbled, getting up and pulling my trolley back to my bed.

 .....

Zac would not stop thanking me.  He was woken up after I’d eaten a breakfast consisting of a small bowl of porridge and a cup of milky tea, and as soon as Dr Du Pre had explained what had happened he said, “Shep, I owe you.  Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it,” I mumbled, embarrassed.  “I’d have done it for anyone.”

“Well, I’m glad you did it for me,” he said.

Later Zac’s parents returned.  “Mum, Dad,” Zac said in shock.  “What are you doing here?”

“We were notified you had been injured in training,” his mother said.  She wore a dress uniform for the navy.  Clearly she hadn’t taken her son’s advice to stay out of the military.  “I was on leave in London.  We came as soon as we heard what had happened.”

“You didn’t need to come,” Zac said.

“Zacharias,” his father said sternly.  “You were in quite a state when we first saw you.”

I pretended to be asleep.  It was bad enough having Zac continuously thank me, I didn’t need to have gushy parents talking of being in my debt.

At around midday, Elizabeth came to see me.  “What are you doing here?” I asked.

“Can’t a friend visit a friend in hospital?” she asked me, sitting down next to my bed.

“Yeah, but according to that sad excuse for a doctor, I’m not allowed visitors,” I said.  “I think the only reason Commander Anderson was allowed is because he held rank.”

“Good point and this isn’t purely for pleasure,” Elizabeth said.  “Dr Du Pre wants me to make sure that you are…mentally sound before I allow you visitors.  From what I hear, Ashley has been pretty much sleeping outside the med bay, and a number of your fellow recruits have been asking after you.”

“Can’t you just sit here in silence for half an hour, then write a report saying I’m fine?” I asked.

“Nice try,” Elizabeth said.  “Don’t worry, this won’t take long.”

“What do you want to know?” I asked, settling myself in my bed.

“Did you sleep well last night?” she asked.

“Sure,” I said defensively.  “Did you sleep well last night?”

“Hm,” she said.  “I’m wondering why it matters to you whether I slept well or not.”

I sighed.  “It’s just a figure of speech, Elizabeth, don’t get all shrinky and psychoanalytical on my ass,” I said tiredly.

“Ok,” Elizabeth said.  “Do you want to talk about anything that might be bothering you?”

“No,” I said.  “Can we just sit in silence or something?”

“If that’s what you want,” Elizabeth said.

“It is what I want,” I said.

She crossed her legs and leaned back.  I glared at her for a few minutes before closing my eyes.  All I could think about was Kaidan and how he might die and how it would be my fault.

“Elizabeth?” I whispered.

“Ja?” she asked, sitting upright again.

“I lied earlier,” I said.  “I didn’t sleep well last night.”

“Oh?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I said.  “I got up and got into bed with Kaidan.  He had a fever.”

“You’re worried about him,” she said.

“Yeah, I am,” I said.  “The doctor said he might die.”

“I can see how that might worry you,” Elizabeth said.  “He’s a good friend of yours.”

“Yeah,” I said.  “Better than I deserve.  He kept me and Tobrin alive.  I-if he dies, I wouldn’t be able to bare it.”

“How come?” Elizabeth asked.

I swallowed.  “Because it’ll be my fault,” I said.  “I told him to come with me.  To make that damned bubble.”

“So, because you told him to help you save a friend, it’ll be your fault that Kaidan dies?” Elizabeth asked.

“Yeah,” I said.  “Exactly.”

“Can I ask you something, Jane?” Elizabeth asked.  I nodded.  “Are you Kaidan’s superior?”

“I-how do you mean?” I asked.

“In this place, is he your subordinate?”

“No, if anything, he has power over me,” I said.  “His marks are higher than mine.”

“Well, then he didn’t actually have to go with you,” Elizabeth said.  “He could have refused to.  He chose to help you.”

“So, are you saying it’s not my fault?” I asked slowly.

“I’m telling you the facts,” Elizabeth said, gently.  “How you choose to interpret them is up to you.”  She leaned forward.  “Of course you’ll miss Kaidan if he dies, he’s your friend and you went through a very traumatic experience together.  That’s normal.  It isn’t a bad thing.”

“Ok,” I said, nodding until my head hurt.  “There’s one more thing though.”

“Yes?” Elizabeth asked.

“I think I’m in love with him,” I whispered.

She bit hard on her lip.  “Jane, you’ve seen what happens to people who break the regulations,” she said.  She was referring to the incident where two Pod 1 juniors were arrested for fraternisation and taken to the military prison on the outer edges of the Sol System.  They had been sentenced to six months inside.

“You’re not in the military, Elizabeth,” I said almost accusatorily.

“No,” she said slowly.  “But I am employed by the Alliance Joint Military Council, and if I get the idea that regulations are being broken, I have to report it.”

“Fine,” I said impatiently.  “I won’t tell you about it then.”

“Get well soon, Jane,” Elizabeth said.  “I’ll tell Dr Du Pre you’re ready for visitors.”

..... 

Ash was let in to see me half-an-hour later.  “Janey,” she whispered, bending down to hug me.  “You crazy girl, what were you thinking?”

“You helped,” I pointed out, hugging her back.

“I know, I don’t know what I was thinking,” Ash said.  “I’m so glad you’re going to be ok.  How are you feeling?”

“My arm is sore, and I have a horrible headache,” I said.  “Other than that, I’m alright.”

She glanced over at Kaidan’s bed.  “Still no news, huh?” she said.

“Yeah,” I said.  “They’ve called his parents in, but apparently they’re struggling to raise the money for a shuttle here.”

“He’ll be ok,” she said.  “You’ll see.”

“What’s happening out in the big bad world?” I asked.

“It’s bad,” Ash said soberly.  “We lost more than half the academy.”

“How many?” I asked, not wanting to hear the answer.

“The siren went off too late,” she said.  “We lost everyone in Pod 5 and 6, all the seniors in Pod 4 and 1, and all but seven of the Pod 2 seniors.  There are five grunts left in Pod 1 and three in Pod 2.”

“What about our own pod?” I asked quietly.

“Everyone in our year made it, but we lost all the seniors except Canning, Ruben, Giovanni and Thembani,” Ash said.  “We also lost Admiral Brawne, ten of the N7 recruits, Hutchings, Jansen, Hondera and Marika.  The worst thing is no one is telling us how this happened.  We’re just expected to go on with our training as if everything is normal.”

“I know how it happened,” I said quietly and relayed the conversation I’d overheard between Commander Anderson and Admiral Greyling.

Ash’s mouth dropped further and further open.  “But, how could this happen?” she asked.  “Regular maintenance is run on those sensors, someone would have noticed if they were offline.”

“I don’t know,” I said.  “This is more Kaidan’s forte in any case.  I’m more concerned by what Anderson said.  It sounds like he believes that someone is specifically targeting the Alliance military.”

“Why would anyone do that though?” Ash asked.

“Well, I hate to sound like a racist conspiracy theorist, but a species with a weakened military would make a good target for an invasion,” I said.

At that moment the doors to the med bay opened and Mr and Mrs Alenko walked in.  I’d only seen Mr Alenko once, and all I could remember was that he was very tall and thin, and seemed somewhat aloof.  Now though, his face was white and he seemed to be trembling.  Mrs Alenko took one look at Kaidan and burst into tears.

“It’s my fault,” she sobbed.  Her husband put his arm around her.

“Don’t say that, honey,” he whispered.

“It is,” she insisted through her tears.  “I sold him to Cerberus.  I let them put that damned chip in his brain.  Remember how happy and cheerful he was before they took him?   He changed when they gave him back.”

“So do you think the turians will make another push?” Ash asked, no doubt to distract me.  It worked.

“Ash, your obvious hatred for the turians is admirable, and I’m sure your grandfather would be proud,” I said.  “But this isn’t the turians’ style.  They’re too proud for this sort of sneaking around.  No, this is a lot like our own strategy.  Cut off supply chains.”

“We’re at war with the batarians,” Ash said, unwilling to accept what I was implying.

“Yeah, after a human accused them of taking out our ships,” I said.  “It was way too perfect.  Besides, the batarians wouldn’t bother crippling us.  They have three times the military force that we have, they could invade at any time.  No, this is way bigger.”

“What are you two talking about?” Zac asked from his bed across the room.

“Nothing,” Ash and I said together. 

“I need to go, I’m on duty in five minutes,” Ash said.  “Oh, the Alliance News Network hasn’t said anything about this, but apparently the Citadel news desk and the Council races’ networks are all over this.”

“Propaganda at its best,” I murmured.

“I’ll try and visit you tonight,” Ash said.  “Get some rest.”

“Yeah, see you later,” I said.

..... 

The next morning Kaidan was still no better.  His mother didn’t leave his side except to eat and go to the bathroom, and I was forcibly reminded of my own mother who sat by my bed all those times that I was sick as a child.  Then, more than ever, I wished she were alive, someone to comfort me and protect me, someone to hold me after the nightmares.  That evening, Dr Du Pre called Mr and Mrs Alenko into his office.  When they came out, Mrs Alenko sobbed and threw her body across Kaidan’s.  “What’s going on?” I asked quietly, not wanting to hear the answer.

“It’s been seven days,” Mr Alenko said quietly.  That was enough.

According to Alliance law, anybody in a coma not responding to treatment needs to be taken off life support after seven days of treatment, if the doctors can prove they have done everything they can for said individual.  Kaidan’s machinery would be switched off in the morning if there was no change in him.  I didn’t say anything, but after everyone in the med bay had gone to sleep, I got up and knelt at the foot of my bed.

“Bless me, Father for I have sinned,” I whispered, crossing myself.  “It’s been ten days since my last confession.  I may have killed one of my best friends.  Please don’t let him die, God.  Please, just don’t let him die.  He doesn’t deserve it.”  I stayed on my knees for a long time before whispering, “In the name of Jesus Christ, and our Mother, Amen.”

 .....

I didn’t sleep at all that night.  I kept my eyes firmly on the machines that were keeping Kaidan alive, as though I could get them to do their jobs through sheer will power.  I was awake when Dr Du Pre came at six o’clock in the morning to check on him.  “That’s odd,” he murmured, taking Kaidan’s temperature.

“What is it?” Mrs Alenko asked, Kaidan’s left hand firmly grasped in her right.

“His temperature’s down,” he answered.  “Almost normal for a biotic.  I need to do some blood work.”

He drew two vials of blood and disappeared into his office.  He returned half an hour later.  “There are only trace amounts of radioactive waste in his blood,” he said.  “It seems he is finally responding to the cancer treatment.  I’d like to do an MRI to determine whether the bleeding in his head is lessening.”

“Of course,” Mrs Alenko whispered.

“What does this mean, doctor?” Mr Alenko asked.

“It means that Junior Recruit Alenko is responding to treatment,” Dr Du Pre said.  “Which means that, legally, I am not allowed to switch his life support off.”

“Thank goodness,” Mrs Alenko whispered.  “Thank you, doctor.”

“Don’t thank me,” Dr Du Pre said.  “This is a miracle if ever I saw one.”

Kaidan was gone for most of the day.  I heard later that the doctor not only conducted a full MRI of his brain, but also examined his DNA for any anomalies and did a scan on his implant to make sure that it was running as effectively as expected.

“Everything seems in order,” Dr Du Pre said when Kaidan was brought back that evening.  “His brain appears to be in excellent condition.  The radioactive waste in his blood stream has been completely eradicated and his implant is in working order.  Better yet, young Alenko here briefly regained consciousness whilst I was scanning his implant.  I think he is ready to be woken up.”

“Now?” Mrs Alenko asked in surprise.

“Ordinarily I would advise that we wait until the morning,” Dr Du Pre said.  “But I think you’ve been kept on tenterhooks long enough.  I’ll remove the IV that’s keeping him under.  It should take a couple of hours for the effects to wear off completely.  Sit by him so that you are the first thing he sees.”

Two hours later a tiny voice made its way across the room.  “Mommy?” Kaidan breathed.

“Kay,” Mrs Alenko sobbed.  “Oh Kaidan, you’re awake.”

“What happened?” Kaidan asked disorientedly.  “Why are you here?”

“You were very sick,” his mother said.  “The academy contacted me and Dad, and we came to see you as soon as we could.”

“Where’s Janey?” Kaidan asked, trying to sit up.

“Stay down, sweetness,” Mrs Alenko said, pushing gently on his chest.

“No,” Kaidan struggled against her.  “Mom, I need to see Jane, know that she’s ok.”

I swallowed.  “I’m here, Kaidan,” I said huskily.

He squinted across the room at the direction of my voice.  “Janey?” he asked.

“The one and only,” I said.

“You’re ok?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said.  “Thanks to you, Tobrin and I are both alive.”

“Hey Alenko,” Zac added.  “Thanks for going back for me.”

“I would have done it for anyone,” Kaidan said.  “I think.”  He frowned.  “Strangest thing,” he murmured.

“What is, baby?” his mother asked.

“I remember someone speaking to me,” he said.

“Your mother never left your side,” Mr Alenko said.

“No, not Mom,” Kaidan said.  He met my eyes and my cheeks reddened.  He dropped his gaze again.

..... 

“Why did you come with me?” I asked the next morning.  I was dressed in my uniform and preparing to be discharged with the orders not to over-strain my left arm for the next few weeks.

Kaidan shrugged.  “I never really thought about not going with you,” he said.  “I’d do anything for you, Jane.  You know that.”

“Don’t say that,” I mumbled.  I was confused enough as it was.

“It’s interesting, the voice that spoke to me didn’t just speak,” Kaidan said, grabbing my hand.

“What, it did cartwheels too?” I asked.  “Weren’t you in a coma, Alenko?”

“I know what I heard,” Kaidan said stubbornly.  “And what I felt.”

I sighed.  “What did you feel, Kaidan?” I asked.

“The owner of the voice kissed me,” Kaidan said.  “On the lips.”

“Your mom was distraught,” I bluffed.

Kaidan snorted.  “I know what my mom’s lips feel like, Jane,” he said.  “No, the owner of these lips had a low, husky voice.”

“Huh,” I said, trying to make my voice higher and less husky.  “Don’t know anyone with a voice like that.”

“Said some interesting things this voice,” Kaidan said.  “She begged me not to die, to stay with her, and said that she wouldn’t be able to live with herself if I died.”

“Wow, you _were_ feverish,” I started.

“She also said her name was Jane,” he said.

Damn, he was making this hard.  “You were dreaming,” I managed.

He looked sadly up at me.  “Jane,” he said.  “I already told you, I would do anything for you.  If you asked me to stay alive, I would.”

I bit my lip.  “Kaidan,” I began.

The door to the med bay opened, and I pulled my hands away from him.  “Gcina,” I said in surprise.  “What are you doing here?”

..... 

Apparently what had happened was that Gcina had been in Cape Town, playing a Hoopball tournament, and had only gotten back to his digs in Seattle two days ago, where a message about my injury was waiting.  He spent all of yesterday running to friends and family members to scrape together enough creds to afford a shuttle to Del Sol.

“I’m so sorry I couldn’t get here sooner,” he said.

“Don’t worry about it,” I said.  “I wasn’t very lucid for most of the time.”  This was for Kaidan’s benefit, and I saw him scowl.

“You’re good to go, Junior Recruit,” Dr Du Pre said.  “Remember: some things are better left unsaid.”

Meaning: what happened here is classified and it needs to stay that way.  “Understood, sir,” I said.  I turned to Kaidan.  “I’ll visit tonight.  I’ll bet Ash’ll be along too, she was frantic with worry about you.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan mumbled.  “Whatever.”

A thorn of guilt was twisting itself deeper and deeper into my heart.

 .....

**Ash: February**

When I was twelve years old my world broke apart.  My mother contracted Luckhoff’s syndrome.  I was the only person she had in her life so I nursed her and stayed up with her, and when she got too ill, I was the one who got her to the hospital and sat by her bed as she deteriorated. 

At first no one could get hold of my father, but eventually he came for me.  I had only ever seen him twice in my life before, and all I could remember was a tall man with close-cropped blonde hair and impossibly blue eyes.  And a booming voice.  I would always remember the booming voice.

He made the arrangements and took me on board his ship.  He called all his staff into the conference room.  I noticed three other children sitting between a short red-haired man and an even shorter Chinese woman.  Two boys, one in a wheel-chair, and a girl, all looking to be aged between eight and fourteen.

“This is my daughter, Ashley Williams,” my father said, emphasising my surname, no doubt so that people would know I was not his wife’s child.  “She will be staying aboard the ship with us from now on.  She has just lost her mother, so show a bit of sensitivity when you speak to her.  Lieutenant Shepard, will your children look after her for me?”

“Aye aye sir,” the red haired man said.  “You can count on me.  I’m not exactly sure where Jane is at the moment.”

“Good,” my father said.  “Chief Bonez, will you arrange for a bed to be made for Ashley in my quarters?”

“Aye aye, Commander,” a dark haired, dark skinned woman said.

“Right, that’s all then,” my father said.  “Dismissed.”  He turned to me.  “Go with Lieutenant Shepard’s kids.”

“Ja, Pa,” I said softly.

Lieutenant Shepard came over, his three children in tow.  “Hello Ashley,” he said, holding his hand out.  “I am Staff Lieutenant Jordan Shepard, and these are my children, John, Jean and Jason.  We hope you will enjoy your time here with us.”

“Thank you,” I said.

“John and Jean will show you around the ship if you like,” Lieutenant Shepard continued.  “I must get back to my post.”

“Hi,” Jean said brightly once her father had left.  “I’m Jean, though I guess you knew that unless you thought John was me.”

“What?” I asked in confusion.

“Anyway, in case you don’t know, Jason’s the spas head,” the older boy said.

Jason scowled at him.

“Nice to meet you Jason,” I said.  His limbs were twisted in strange ways, and his head jerked up and down.  He was a strange sight next to his older sister and brother, both of whom stood tall and proud on their strong legs.

Jason’s hand reached forward onto the keyboard of the terminal on the tray of his wheelchair, and he typed something in using his left thumb.  “Nice to meet you too,” a computerised voice said.

“That’s how Jason communicates,” Jean explained.  “It’s lucky he’s so good with computers.”

Something about the attitudes of the two older Shepards was annoying me.  “You know, maybe I’ll explore the ship by myself,” I said.

“Suit yourself,” John shrugged.  “Jeanie and I need to go train in any case.  We’re taking part in a karate competition.”

“Yay for you,” I said.

“You coming spazzhead?” John asked Jason.

“Nah,” Jason said shortly and garbled something out.

“She’ll turn up when she’s done sulking,” Jean said.  “Probably hiding somewhere and reading.  See you around Ashley.”

“No doubt,” I mumbled as she and John walked away.  The XO and the commander tend to share quarters, and Lieutenant Shepard’s children probably slept with him.

“Don’t mind them,” Jason’s terminal said in the same mechanical voice.  “They both suck.”

“Ja well, for fifty credits I can beat them up for you,” I said. 

He gave a shout of laughter.  “I have to go,” he said.  “I need to go study.”

“Alright,” I said.  “Have fun.”

He wheeled himself out of the room. 

 .....

The first place I explored was the Combat Information Centre, where all the naval staff was sitting at their terminals, doing analyses and reading data.  My father and Lieutenant Shepard were sitting at their own terminals.  After that I went briefly onto the bridge and saw Flight Lieutenant Shepard piloting the ship.  Then I went into the engineering room and watched the engineers clean the engine up in their thick protective suits.  Thereafter I went into the hold where the two fighter jets were housed.  Finally I went into the life support room on deck three, where the ship’s oxygen and gravity levels were controlled.  I liked the loud thumping sounds made by the tanks and sat down next to them for a bit.

It was pretty dim in there, so I can forgive her for not seeing me.  A tiny figure climbed out from behind the tanks and fell right over me.

“What the hell?” she shouted, sprawled halfway across me.

“Sorry,” I shouted back over the noise.  “I didn’t know there was anyone else in here.”

The girl stared up at my face.  “You aren’t part of the crew,” she shouted.  “Who are you?”

“I’m Ashley Williams,” I shouted. 

“Who?” she shouted.

“Ashley Williams,” I shouted louder.

She shook her head.  “Maybe we should get out of here so that we can talk properly,” she shouted, getting up.

I followed her out of the room.  She led me across the deck into the deserted rec room.  “Everyone’s either on duty or asleep,” she explained.  Now that I could see her in normal light, I could tell that she was about six years old.  Her face was exactly the same as Jean’s and I guessed that she was this girl’s older sister.

“Now, you are?” the girl asked.

“Ashley Williams,” I said.  “I’m Commander Pieterse’s daughter.”

“Huh,” the girl said.  “I didn’t know he had a daughter, much less one with a different last name to his own.”  She held her hand out in a forthright, almost boyish fashion.  “Jane Shepard,” she said as I shook it.  “Lieutenant Shepard’s youngest daughter and biggest disappointment.”

“I met your brothers and sister,” I said. 

“Well, then you’ve seen us at our worst,” she said.  She grinned.  “Exploring the ship, huh?”

“Ja,” I said.  “Well, your siblings were meant to show me around, but-what were you doing behind those tanks?”

“Reading and hiding,” Jane said.  “Mostly the latter, although the former is the reason for the hiding.  I just got a new book,” she explained.  “I can’t put it down.”

“What book?” I asked.

“The second life by Dana Harrels,” Jane said.

I’d heard of it.  It was supposed to be a terrifyingly scary read.  “Aren’t you a little young for that?” I asked.

She scowled.  “How old do you think I am?” she asked.

I decided to round up.  “Eight?” I hazarded.

“I’m twelve,” she snapped.  “I was undernourished in the womb, which is why I’m smaller than most.  Jean’s my twin.”

“Well, then you look pretty good for your age,” I said.  She laughed.  “How do you feel about having an it-girl for a sister though?”

“I’ve no idea what that means, so I’ll ignore it,” Jane said.  She smiled.  “Welcome aboard, Ashley Williams,” she said.

 .....

With a start like that, it’s no wonder we became as close as we are.  Which is why it hurts me to see her in pain.  I was told yesterday that Kaidan had woken up, and the news filled me with happiness and dread.  Happiness because despite everything, Kaidan is a very good friend.  Dread because Jane now knows exactly what her feelings for Kaidan are, which is going to complicate things for both of them.

Anyway, I am on my way to the med bay when I run into her and Gcina leaving.  “Janey, you’re out,” I say in surprise.

“The doctor says I’m normal apart from my left arm which is off-limits to the Alliance Military until further notice,” she says.

“And Gcina’s here,” I say, eyeing him.

“Yeah, isn’t it a surprise?” Jane says, her eyes wide.  “I know I was surprised.”

Jane speak for ‘What the hell am I going to do, Ash?’  I decide to improvise.

“Ja, well, um, Ruben sent me to take you to her,” I say.  “Seems urgent.”

“Crap,” Jane mumbles.  “Alright, this better not take too long.  Gcina flew thousands of miles to spend some time with me.”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure it won’t take long,” I say.  “You know how keen she is on your personal relations.”

“Great, thanks, Ash,” she mumbles.  She turns to Gcina.  “Do you want to tag along?  It’s my pod’s officer.  I can give you a guided tour on the way.”

“Yeah, sure,” he says, shrugging.

For some reason this guy works on my nerves.  Maybe it’s because I know that Jane and Kaidan belong together and he’s stopping that from happening, maybe it’s because he claims to come from Nuwe Begin on Freedom’s Progress, the same town I grew up in.  That town is way too full of memories, good and bad.

We walk to Pod 3.  Jane points out important landmarks: the sand, the lookout wall, the shooting range, some more sand, the Annexe, the sun that is hidden behind a radioactive haze and some more sand.

“It’s kak hot,” Gcina complains.  “How do you survive wearing those thick uniforms all the time?”

“Thick uniforms are the least of our worries around here,” I murmur. 

Pod 3 is empty.  Everyone is outside training.  I push open the door to our dorm.  “This won’t take a moment,” I say to Gcina.

“Why is Ruben in our dorm?” Jane asks.

“She’s um having nightmares since the accident,” I invent.

“So, what the army’s cure is to put her in the same room as the grunts?” Jane asks incredulously.

“Are you questioning the Alliance, soldier?” I snap.

“Uh no,” Jane says, looking confused.  “Is everything ok, Ash?”

“Yes, now get inside unless you want to be put on a charge,” I say, shoving her between her shoulder-blades and following her inside.  The door slammed shut behind us.

“Where’s Ruben?” Jane asks when she sees the room is empty.

“Not here,” I say.  “I needed an excuse to talk to you alone.”

“About what?” Jane asks, looking worried.

“You and Kaidan,” I say.  “What’s happening between the two of you?”

Jane sighs.  “Ash, this really isn’t the best time,” she says, making for the door.

“No, now is a perfect time,” I say, blocking her way. 

“Fine,” Jane snaps.  “I’m in love with him.  I’m also in love with my boyfriend, and I don’t know what to do.”

“Ok, I get that,” I say.  Confession time.  “I told Kaidan to back off when he told me he liked you,” I say.

Jane turns to me.  “You did what?” she asks.

“Kaidan’s a pretty messed up and I didn’t want you to get hurt,” I say.  “Honestly, I was hoping it would blow over, so I told him that it was against regulations and you’d both get kicked out if you were caught.”

“When was this?” Jane whispers.

“Um, last September,” I mumble.   “Anyway, then you started expressing an interest in him…”

“Wait wait, hold the fucking phone,” Jane says, holding both her hands up.  “You knew he was into me, and you still let me make such a fool of myself around him?”

“Well, ja, kind of,” I say.  “I thought he was over you, and I have so few other reasons to laugh these days.  Then he literally follows you into hell without a second thought, and I know there’s no way this dude’s over you.”

“Ok, I get that,” Jane says.  “The problem is that I have a boyfriend.”

“Yes, and an even bigger problem is that you’re still into Kaidan,” I say.

“I’m not,” Jane says, blushing bright red.

“Jane, you are,” I say.  “You literally admitted to it five seconds ago.  The thing is, it’s unfair for you to string two guys along.  You need to save them and yourself the heart ache, choose one of them and then commit to that choice.”

“How?” Jane asks.  “I like them both, how do I choose one or the other?”

“Listen to what your heart says,” I say.  “It’ll tell you what to do.”

Jane thinks about this for a long time.  “You know I suck at this sort of thing?” she asks, chewing thoughtfully on her thumb nail. 

I nod.  “You’ll make the right choice for you though,” I say.

She laughs at this.  “If you start singing Kumba yay I’m never speaking to you again,” she says.

“I don’t know what that means,” I say.  “Now get going, there’s a guy waiting for you outside.”

She hugs me.  “Thanks Ash,” she says.

..... 

**And back to January to March: radiation, Spectres and endurance**

Gcina was waiting patiently for us outside the dorm.  “Done?” he asked.

“In a manner of speaking,” I said.  “What are you going to do now, Ash?”

“I’m going onto the shooting range for a bit,” she said.  “I need to improve my score or else I might get clinically depressed.”

“Have fun,” I said.  “What do you feel like doing?” I asked Gcina when she was out of earshot.

“I feel like making out with you for a bit,” he said seriously.

“Sounds fun,” I said, equally serious.  “We can’t do it in my dorm though, they have cameras everywhere and will most probably call an assembly to show everyone exactly what we got up to.”

“Right, can’t have that,” he said.  “Is there a camera-free zone around here somewhere?”

I glance around.  “Come with me,” I said.

I led him to the empty room.  “You can’t tell anyone about this place,” I said to him in an undertone as I punched the code in.  “I’m technically not allowed to know about its existence.”

“I understand,” he said.

I pushed the door open and stood aside so that he could enter.  “Wow,” he whispered.  “What is this place?”

“We think it’s some sort of archive,” I said.  “Kaidan says there’s no surveillance here, that it’s probably used as an empty room.”

“Awesome,” Gcina said, looking around.  “So, come here.”

I went over to him.  “Hey,” I said quietly.

“Hey,” he said.  “Did you miss me?”

I laughed.  “You have no idea, bub,” I said.  “It’s just, it’s weird having you here.”

“How do you mean?” he asked.

“I dunno,” I said.  “It’s kind of like what happens here is horrible and completely separate from what we have.  I’m just struggling to reconcile it.”

He kissed me long and slow on the mouth.  “And now, struggling to reconcile it?” he asked.

“You’ll have to kiss me again,” I said breathlessly.  “I can’t tell right now.”

“Works for me,” he said, and kissed me again.

..... 

Kaidan was released the next morning on strict orders to avoid anything that could be considered ‘over-strenuous’.  We both parked ourselves in the rec room and attempted to work on the mountain of work we had missed out on.  The Joint Military Council had been very quick to allocate new staff to us and in the end only one day of classes had been cancelled.

“So, how’s your boyfriend?” Kaidan asked neutrally as we worked through an essay on the Second World War that had to be written for Earth History.

“Not bad,” I said neutrally.  I had decided to follow Ash’s advice.  Unfortunately, deciding was not nearly as simple. 

“You two had fun then?” he asked. 

“Sure,” I said.  “Why do you ask?”

“Just checking,” he said, shrugging. 

I took a gamble.  “Ash says I have to choose,” I said quietly.

“Oh?” Kaidan said, trying and failing to look disinterested.

“Yeah,” I said.  “So far I can’t.  I like you both, I don’t know what to do.”

“Do whatever you want, Jane,” he said frostily.  “I’d hate for you to settle for second-best.”

I laughed.  “Kaidan, I don’t think you’ve ever been second-best in your life,” I said.

He looked up at me.  “I have with you,” he said.

Thankfully Liam walked in then, cutting off a potentially incredibly mushy scene off.  Kaidan and I both sprang to attention.

“At ease,” he said distractedly.  He was not looking well.  He had deep circles under his eyes and he seemed to have lost a lot of weight.  “Shepard, Alenko, just the people I wanted to see.”

“Yes sir,” we both murmured.

“Out of hospital are we?” he said.

“Sir, yes sir,” we said together.

“Good,” he said.  “We wouldn’t want our two little heroes locked away forever now.”  Kaidan and I exchanged glances.  Liam seemed to be almost unhinged.  “Where’s Tobrin?” he asked.

“Still in the med bay, sir,” Kaidan said.  “He was badly burned and the doctor wants him to stay in until the wounds have healed more.”

“Of course, our miracle survivor,” Liam said.  “I just-I have one question for the two of you.  Why did you go back for him?”

I cleared my throat.  “Um, sir, I knew where he was, sir,” I said. 

“Why him and not any of the others in your pod?” Liam asked, his voice getting louder.  “What about O’Neal, Stebbins, De Sante or Venter?  Why that stupid fucking grunt?”  He was screaming now.

“Sir,” I began stepping forward. 

He hit out at me, catching me on the cheek, and I fell to the floor.  Next thing, Kaidan was standing between the two of us.  “Stand down, Canning,” he said quietly.

“Liam,” a voice said from the door.  It was Nina.  “Come on,” she said, quietly, her eyes worried.  “Shepard and Alenko don’t deserve this.  They didn’t know where the others were.  They almost died to save Tobrin.”

“Why didn’t they save any of the others?” Liam shouted at her.

She touched his shoulder.  “Come on,” she whispered.  “Let’s get back to the dorm.” 

She led him gently away.  Kaidan helped me up.  “You alright?” he asked.

I nodded.  “How did we survive?” I asked.

“We got lucky,” he said.  “Come on, we need to get this essay done and move onto those translations for Kaya.”

“Yeah,” I said.

 .....

It was weird being back in the pod again with so many of them missing.  Everyone in our dorm (apart from Zac) were there, but with only four seniors left, most of us didn’t have anyone to do chores for anymore.  For some alarming reason though, no one in our dorm was really speaking to us, apart from Ash. 

“I don’t get it,” I said.  We were on the shooting range.  Despite Dr Du Pre’s assertions that we shouldn’t do anything strenuous, both Kaidan and I were going crazy, and we decided that target practice was the least strenuous thing we could do without actually losing our minds.  “Why is everyone avoiding us?”

“You two did the impossible,” Ash said, reloading her shotgun.  “You survived seven hours out there.  You rescued one of our team mates.”  She aimed at the target dummy, hitting it in the shoulder.

“Yeah, but we would have done it for anyone,” I said.  “I would’ve anyway.”

“Me too,” Kaidan said.  “I just wish things would go back to the way they were.”  He loaded his rifle and sent a spray of bullets at his dummy, hitting it square in the chest.  “Everyone avoids my eyes as though they expect lightning bolts to come flying out of them or something.”

“Well, I think that’s pretty unrealistic,” Ash said.  “You’ve proven what you can do, that you’re on a different level to what the rest of us are.  The best you can hope for is that everyone moves on.”

..... 

Moving on turned out to be harder than we expected.  The next morning Liam Canning’s body was found hanging from a shower head in the bathroom.  The note on his datapad said that he couldn’t bear the thought of graduating without the rest of his pod members, that he was sorry, but he knew that wherever he was headed was better than this hell we lived in.

.....

The next day the Spectre arrived.

.....

Saren Arterus was the galaxy’s most famous Spectre.  Aged only about two hundred and twenty five galactic years (approximately seventy two human years, a galactic lifespan being calculated from the average lifespans of the Council races), he had already been instrumental in ensuring galactic peace in a number of situations (of course these situations were kept classified.  There was no reason to terrify us ordinary citizens unreasonably).  Saren had been born and raised on Palaven and reached the rank of Three Stars (the turian equivalent of a general), before being invited into the Spectres.  Thereafter he built his career on bad-mouthing humans, which made his visit to Earth all the more intriguing. 

He was due to arrive at midday.  Admiral Greyling went onto the intercom at breakfast to remind us that we were representing the Alliance to the galaxy and that we should do our uniforms proud.  He then requested Kaidan, Nina and my presence in the Annexe.

“At ease,” he said when he came in.  “I need the three of you to be there when Spectre Saren and his entourage arrives to greet him.”

“Why us?” I asked.

“Because, dumb shit, I’m the only officer student left and you two are allegedly heroes,” Nina said coldly.  “It makes the academy look good.”

“Right,” I mumbled.

“Alenko, Shepard, do you have formal blues?” Admiral Greyling continued.

“No sir, but I have put a request in,” I said.

“Ruben, help Alenko and Shepard get hold of a set of blues each,” Admiral Greyling said.  “You will all report here at 1130 hours.  Any questions?”

“Will we have to make a speech?” Kaidan asked.

“Unlikely,” Admiral Greyling said.  “The most you can expect is for the Spectre to ask you some questions.”

“What will his entourage be?” I asked.

“Two turian C-Sec officers,” Admiral Greyling said.  “I believe their names are Tarquin Hanaloo and Garrus Vakarian.  You needn’t worry too much about them.  Ruben, how good is your turian?”

“Fairly good, sir,” Nina said.  “I get high seventies.”

“That might not be enough,” Admiral Greyling said.  “The turians aren’t our biggest fan.  They might try to undermine you by speaking only turian to you.”

Nina gulped.  “Understood, sir,” she said nervously.

“I originally had Small, Ibrahim and Garoot slated for this, but, well…” he trailed off.  Small, Ibrahim and Garoot had been in Pods 5 and 6.

“Shepard speaks fluent turian, sir,” Kaidan piped up.

“Is this the truth, girl?” Admiral Greyling said in turian.

“Yes sir,” I replied.

“Where did you learn?” he asked.

“I taught myself,” I said.

“Ok, well, your accent’s a bit funny, but I suppose it’ll do,” he said.  “Dismissed.”

..... 

Saren Arterus was, at six foot eight inches, tall for a turian (the average turian being about six and a half foot tall).  He had the same hard, dark grey skin as all turians, but his head tufts and mandibles were slightly longer than normal.  His eyes were pale silver, and he wore silver war paint indicating that he was a three star (the turians have a very military society, with every single individual being a cog in the military wheel.  They also show rank and faction with the use of different colour war paint, as opposed to stripes on uniforms).

Admiral Greyling and Admiral Hackett waited outside with us to greet Saren.  “Admiral Hackett, at last we meet,” Saren said in Protha.

“Indeed,” Admiral Hackett replied, shaking Saren’s hand in the turian style (the same as humans, only with the left hand gripping the other turian’s forearm).  “It is an honour, Spectre.”

“And Admiral Greyling, we meet again,” Saren continued.  Admiral Greyling merely showed his teeth.  “May I present my companions, Officer Tarquin Hanaloo, and Sergeant Garrus Vakarian.”

Officer Hanaloo was pretty non-descript.  His green war paint showed that he was a one-liners (turian bombardiers).  Sergeant Vakarian however was about six foot two, which was very short for a turian, with blue facial war paint showed that he was a one star (a turian major).  They were both dressed in the blue Citadel Security uniforms.

“Good to meet you,” he said in heavily-accented English.

“You too,” Admiral Greyling said, shaking his hand.  He switched back to protha.  “May I present Senior Recruit Nina Ruben, Junior Recruit Kaidan Alenko and Junior Recruit Jane Shepard?”

“Nice to meet you, grunts,” Saren said, shaking our hands.  My palm tingled.  I’d just shaken hands with a Spectre!

My euphoria was short-lived however, as Admiral Greyling said, “These three will be giving you a tour of our fine facility.”

Wait, what?

Nina verbalised it for me.  “I beg your pardon, sir?” she asked quietly.

“It seems you don’t teach your recruits to listen,” Saren remarked.

At first I wasn’t sure if I’d heard right, but then I saw Admiral Greyling’s mouth opening and closing like a fish’s.

Admiral Hackett saved the day.  “We pay our recruits to shoot aliens, not to listen,” he said coldly.

Well, technically they weren’t pay us at all, but now wasn’t the time to point this out.  Sergeant Vakarian gave a small cough.

“Ruben, Shepard, Alenko, show the Spectre to his quarters,” Admiral Greyling said.  “We’ve put them in room twenty six in the main building.”

“Aye aye sir,” Nina said.  “If you’ll follow me.”

“I understand this facility has recently sustained heavy losses,” Sergeant Vakarian quietly said in English.

“Yes sir,” I said.  “I believe it was on the Citadel news.”

He cocked his head, a turian yes.  “My sympathies,” he said.  “Losing people is never easy.”

“No sir,” Kaidan said.

We showed them to their quarters.  “Would you like time to unpack and settle in, or would you prefer to be given the tour now?” Nina asked.

Saren seemed to consider carefully.  “I think the tour first,” he said clearly in turian.

Nina shot a warning glance at Kaidan and me.  “Yes sir,” she replied calmly enough.  “We’ll wait outside for you.”

She led the way outside.  “Ma’am, I’m not sure how comfortable I am with this,” Kaidan said softly.

“Suck it up, Junior Recruit, we don’t have a choice,” Nina said.  “Shepard, you say you speak good turian?”

“Well, yes I suppose,” I said hesitantly.  “I mean, I can speak it pretty well, I guess.”

“Woman, you’re killing me,” Nina groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose.  “Can you speak turian or not?”

“Yes, ma’am,” I said.  “I can hold a conversation about the weather, enquire about the location of the nearest shuttle station, and say ‘the pen of my aunt is in the garden’ in turian.”

“Whatever, I’ll take it,” Nina said.  “My turian is not going to be good enough for that Spectre, so I need you to conduct this tour.”

“Understood, ma’am,” I said.  “Your pronunciation is awful in any case.”

“Careful, Shepard, you may have an injured arm, but that doesn’t mean I can’t order you to do push-ups,” Nina said.

“Yes ma’am,” I said.

The door opened and the turians came out.  “Alright, where first?” Saren asked.

We took them all around the academy.  Officer Hanaloo was completely silent, and I found myself wondering if he was mute or just dense.  Sergeant Vakarian occasionally asked questions about our training.  Saren however questioned everything in a manner that implied that after one hundred and seven years in the galactic community we still didn’t know what we were doing.

When we got to the shooting range, our pod was there training.  I was relieved to see that everyone was mostly hitting the bulls-eyes of their targets.  Even Kyle, who was historically the worst shot out of all the junior recruits was at least managing to hit close to the centre of his target. 

“Impressive,” Saren said.  “If your opponents waited ten years for you to aim.”

“These are our junior recruits,” I said, biting down my annoyance.  “They’ve improved beyond recognition since they first came here.”

“They’re, what, two hundred and twelve galactic years?” Saren asked.  “By that age, every turian is a sharp shooter.”

“Sure, that’ll work,” I snapped.  “In a society of brain-washed psychos.” Nina sucked in a loud gasp.  I quickly back-pedalled.  “That is to say, yes sir.”

“Tell me something, Garishke,” Saren said softly.  Nina gave another loud gasp.  Garishke was the derogatory name turians gave to humans, literally translating to ‘meat sack’.  “How good a shot are you?”

This was a trick question.  In turian culture it was considered very bad form to boast or brag.  I gave the standard answer. 

“Couldn’t say, sir,” I said.

“She’s the best shot in her year,” Nina said quickly, clearly wishing to give me an early and humiliating exit from the galaxy.  “Admiral Greyling says that he’s never seen a sixteen year old as good as she is.”

“Appreciated, ma’am,” I said coldly.

“What’s happening?” Kaidan whispered.

“Ruben’s arranging for me to play Russian Roulette against the Spectre,” I answered.

“What?” Kaidan asked, looking thoroughly confused.  I rolled my eyes.

“Well, if you’re as good as she says, then we have a challenge,” Saren said.  “Vakarian is rated as one of the best shots in the fleet and is definitely the best shot in C-sec.”

“Sorry, sir, but what?” Sergeant Vakarian asked, looking mildly worried (turians tended not to show their emotions unless with people they were very close with.  The best they could do was mildly show an emotion).

“So, human, what is your best weapon?” Saren asked. 

I decided that saying I was equally good with a pistol, rifle and shotgun would be boasting.  “Um, rifle, sir, but-,” I said.

“Vakarian, what’s your best score with a rifle?” Saren asked, interrupting me.

“Um, ninety eight, sir,” Sergeant Vakarian said.  “But sir-,”

“Vakarian…” Saren said warningly.

Sergeant Vakarian scuffed his boot on the ground.  “Yes sir,” he mumbled.

“Let’s shove things up here then,” Saren said.  “I assume there’s a clay pigeon run here.”

“Yes sir,” Nina said.

“I’m going to get you for this, ma’am,” I mumbled.

“Shut it,” she snapped.

“Excellent,” Saren said.  “I’ll wager that your man can’t beat mine.”

“Oh no,” I said.  “No way am I doing this.”

At that moment Commander Anderson walked into the shooting rage.  His eyes fell on us, and he turned on his heal and walked out again.  Saren had already seen him. 

“David?” he called in protha.  “Is that you?”

“No,” Commander Anderson called back.

“David, I know it’s you,” Saren said.  “Come here, you old scoundrel.”

Commander Anderson walked back in.  “How good to see you again, Saren,” he said, smiling in a way that made me think it was not good at all.

“Now I’m really confused,” Kaidan mumbled.

“And you, old friend,” Saren said, shaking Commander Anderson’s hand.  “I was just having a bet with one of your recruits.”  The others on the shooting range were starting to gather around. 

“Ken, what have you done now?” Commander Anderson asked.

“Surprisingly, I have nothing to do with this,” I said.

“Nothing?” Commander Anderson asked disbelievingly.

“Relatively little, sir,” I said.

“What’s going on?” Ash asked, coming over.

“Ask Kaidan,” I said.

Kaidan scowled.  “Well, it turns out that Commander Anderson is Saren’s long lost son,” he said irritably.  “Now they want to use Jane as a sacrificial virgin in some freaky turian blood ritual to summon the great god Fargut.”

“Really?” Ash asked in surprise.

“No,” Kaidan said.

Everyone stared at us.  “Shut up, you three,” Commander Anderson said.

“Sorry sir,” Kaidan mumbled.

“Your senior recruit says that this grunt is one of your best shots ever,” Saren said.

“I hear he is fairly good at wielding a firearm, what of it?” Commander Anderson asked disinterestedly.

“I’m sure you recognise Garrus Vakarian,” Saren said.  “Popularly referred to as the best turian shot since Laddik Fedorian.”  What a moniker.

“Good to meet you,” Commander Anderson said, nodding at Sergeant Vakarian.  “I am a huge fan.”

“Thank you,” Sergeant Vakarian mumbled, looking mildly embarrassed.

“So I was thinking, let’s see whose student is really the best shot,” Saren said.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Commander Anderson laughed.  “That’d be unfair on so many levels.  For one, Ken is only one hundred and twelve galactic years old.”

“I’m two hundred and twelve,” I corrected quietly.

“Ken, shut up,” Commander Anderson said.  “For another, he is only a recruit.  Your man has served for years.”

“Well, if you’re scared,” Saren trailed off suggestively.

“You’re on,” Commander Anderson snapped.

“Sir I’m really not comfortable with this,” I said.

“Ken, you’ll do as you’re commanded,” Commander Anderson said commandingly.

“I don’t think I’m comfortable with this either,” Sergeant Vakarian said in mild discomfort.  “The human boy is injured.”

“Hey, spit-for-brains,” I snapped.  “I’m a woman.  Just so we’re clear.”

“Ken, don’t make this worse for yourself,” Commander Anderson said.

“Respectfully, sir, I’m about to have a shoot-off with the best shot in the turian fleet,” I said.  “My left arm is pretty much useless.  I can’t grip anything with my left hand.  I can’t see how this could get any worse.”

“You could be dead,” Kaidan suggested.  I scowled at him.

“Once again Charles Manson hits the nail on the head,” Commander Anderson said.  “You could be dead.”

“Thank you,” I said acidly.  “Both of you.  I feel much better.”

“Quit whining like a girl Ken, and get to it,” Commander Anderson said, pushing me to the clay pigeon run.

..... 

It was simple really.  The clay pigeons would be launched into the air, and we had to use our rifles to shoot them down.  There were four rounds with twenty five pigeons each.  At the start of the round, the pigeons were launched slowly into the air.  However, at the end of the round they were launched three or four at a time.

I’d never actually shot at a moving target before, and I completely missed the first pigeon.  Sergeant Vakarian had gone first and had hit every single pigeon.  I saw Saren’s eyes light up with glee when I missed.  ‘I hate you,’ I thought in his direction as the next pigeon was launched.

At the end of the first round the score sat at twenty four to twenty five in Sergeant Vakarian’s favour.  He missed two pigeons in the second round, which brought the score up to forty eight to forty nine to me.

“Good work, Ken,” Commander Anderson said as we watched Sergeant Vakarian kick off round three.

“My arm is really sore, sir,” I said.  “I think it’s bleeding again.”

“Endurance week starts in two hours, Ken, so suck it up,” Commander Anderson said.  “Pull this off and I will allow you a gender change.”

“Well, when you put it like that,” I said.

My arm was truly in agony though.  Owing to the non-functionality of my left hand, I was balancing the barrel of the rifle on my forearm, which was making it difficult to aim.  The third round was tied at seventy one to seventy one.

“How are you doing?” Ash asked as Sergeant Vakarian shot off the final round.

“My arm feels like it’s about to fall off, thanks,” I mumbled.

By now the entire pod, along with a number of other recruits and trainers had gathered around to watch the spectacle.  I caught sight of Admiral Greyling across the room.  He looked furious.  Great, just what I needed.

Sergeant Vakarian shot up a perfect score which meant I had to do so too in order to tie with him.  I had no chance of beating him outright.  I did well until the final five, which were all launched at the same time.  I hit the first four, but missed the last one.  A groan went through the crowd.

“I believe my man won,” Saren said.

“Ken, I’m afraid you’re still a boy,” Commander Anderson said.  “The only way you can change your gender now is if you bring about galactic peace.”

I scowled and turned away. 

“Hey,” a voice said from behind me.  It was Sergeant Vakarian.

“Look, if you’ve come to rub it in, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t,” I said.

He looked mildly confused.  “I don’t know what that means,” he said.

“Never mind, it’s something people tend to do around me,” I said.

“I just came to say well done,” he said.  “I was expecting you to be a push-over, but you weren’t.  If you weren’t injured, you could easily have beaten me.”

I shook his outstretched hand.  “I seriously doubt that,” I said.  “But thanks anyway.”

“Sure,” Sergeant Vakarian said.  “Maybe one day we can have a rematch.”

“Done,” I said.

 .....

“Welcome to the hardest week of your life,” Commander Anderson said.

“I feel like last week was the hardest week of my life,” I mumbled.

“No way,” Ash whispered.  “What’s harder than our first long week?”

“In my little opinion, the first week here was the hardest,” Kaidan murmured.  “I leave home for the first time since I was four, get named after a serial killer, and make friends with two girls.”

“According to Anderson I’m still a boy,” I whispered.

“Tough break,” Ash whispered sympathetically.  “He clearly hasn’t been around when you’ve been PMSing.”

We both snorted.  “Silence in the ranks,” Commander Anderson barked, glaring at us.  We fell silent.

“Yes, it’s the wonderful time of year where our recruits go crazy, foam at the mouth and kill each other off for a patch of shade,” he continued.  “The rules are simple.  If you go indoors, you are out.  If you go to the mess tent, you are out.  If you speak, you are out.  If you fall asleep, you are out.  The FP for the grunts is two days, and four days for the seniors.”

“Holy shit, I don’t think I can do that for one day let alone seven,” Ash muttered.

Saren had addressed the academy whilst I’d gone to the med bay to have my arm examined.  Dr Du Pre had restitched the wound and told me if I didn’t rest the arm he would recommend that I get discharged from the Alliance military.

“Understood, sir,” I had said smartly.

 .....

We were each assigned a patch of ground around the academy and told to stand by it.  I was pretty confident with the lack of food and sleep tasks, as I had done them before (although never at the same time).  Kaidan and I had both received permission to eat a piece of chocolate with our daily medication.  It was the no talking rule that had me worried.  I was not good at shutting up.

The first day I paced up and down my patch.  Then I emptied my BOL and did an inventory of its contents.  Then I repacked it.  Then I emptied it and repacked it in a more efficient system.  Then I packed it back to its original system, as it is illegal to tamper with an Alliance soldier’s BOL.  Then I went on a five mile march with the rest of the academy around the running track.

“How are you?” Ash blinked in Morse code.

“I’m fine,” I blinked back.  “Did you know asari are hermaphrodites?”

She didn’t understand.  I may have spelled hermaphrodite wrong.  Back at my patch of dirt I tossed pretend pebbles at a pretend tin can.  Then I tossed real sand at Cat.  She wasn’t amused and showed me a very obvious hand signal. 

“I hope your hand falls off,” I blinked at her.

She didn’t notice.  I went back to tossing imaginary pebbles at an imaginary tin can.

The sun set, the moon rose.  I didn’t actually see either event, but I’m sure they happened.  According to the old books, this was something that happened at least once a day, but not always in that order.

I wrote my name in the sand in all the languages I could speak.  I did a few back tucks (hard with only one functional arm).  And that was pretty much what happened on the first day of the endurance competition.

 .....

The second day was much the same, only with a pounding headache, a growling stomach and a five-mile run.  During the night the bugs had turned up to feast on my blood.  My skin itched, was peeling and had a fine layer of desert sand adorning it.  Two Pod 4 grunts dropped out during this day.  Kaidan had an epileptic fit, but was allowed to continue on the grounds that his health issues had caused him to lose consciousness.

On day three I wrote, “My name is Jane Tina Shepard (age sixteen), and today I died a free woman,” in the sand and lay down on top of it.

“Get up Shepard, and put your uniform back on,” Victor Gomez said walking past.  “This is not how an Alliance soldier should behave.”

I sighed and signed “Aye aye, sir,” with my right hand.

Nothing more exciting happened that day, apart from two Pod 1 recruits collapsing from dehydration and being rushed to the med bay.

By the end of day four, more than half the recruits had dropped out.  Out of the Pod 3 grunts, Kaidan, Cat, Ismaeel, Bridget and I remained.  After a one-handed sparring match with Cat, the insects enjoyed getting to my blood without having to pierce my skin.  For some reason, I was also being stalked by a pink cow that wanted me to donate my liver to her baby.  She didn’t understand Morse code, which meant that the conversation was very one-sided.

On day five, we were taken to the climbing wall and instructed to climb it without ropes.  I made it halfway up the wall before my good arm gave out and I crashed onto the mat.  Bridget pulled out and was almost immediately followed by Ismaeel, who probably only wanted to make top four in our pod for the purposes of our officership training.

On day six, I would have given my right arm for one hour’s sleep or half a piece of cracker.  We were given a weighted backpack and told to run around the academy.  No one in our pod dropped out, but the only reason I was still in the game was because my father’s voice kept screaming at me.

On day seven there were only three of us left.  Cat, myself and a Pod 2 senior boy.  Kaidan had been involuntarily removed from the competition after he had had another fit.  The three of us were taken to the shooting range where all our trainers were gathered.

“The moment has come,” Admiral Greyling said excitedly.  I didn’t like how all the trainers looked rather gleeful.  “The main purpose here is that you’re all going to lie on the ground there,” Admiral Greyling went on, pointing at the ground in front of the targets.  “We are going to shoot at you.  If it gets too much, shout ‘stop’, and we will count you as asleep.  The last one left wins the competition.  Understood?”

We all nodded.  “Go lie down,” Kaya said, practically skipping with excitement.

We went and lay down.  The shots started off slowly, but were soon increasing in both frequency and number.  When I was able to feel the bullets passing literally millimetres above me, the Pod 2 boy screamed, “Stop.”

The noise and sensation of the bullets passing so close to my body were stretching my already frazzled nerves to breaking point, so I decided to try to distract myself by reciting the names of all the saints.  My heart was pounding my head was swimming.  I was just about to yell, “Stop” when a very familiar voice shouted, “Keep your fucking head down, girl.”

“Can’t you just stay dead, Dad?” I groaned (internally), but kept my head down.

Two minutes later Cat shouted, “Stop.”

The barrage stopped immediately.  “Congratulations, Shepard,” a voice said from directly above me.  It was Admiral Greyling. 

“Can I speak now?” I croaked out.

“Yes,” he said, helping me up.  “Excellent job.”

I would have been happy to go to bed, but I had to receive a medal in front of the entire academy.  Afterwards I was given a bowl of soup, and then released.  I climbed onto my bunk and collapsed into a dead sleep.


	11. Chapter ten: March to April: Birthday wishes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane's seventeenth birthday turns out to be the worst birthday she's had thus far.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super adult themes in this chapter, so be warned. Also, I borrowed the title of this chapter from Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

“Shepard.”

I was using my quiet hour to catch up on some much needed sleep.

“Shepard!”  The voice was becoming more insistent and came accompanied by some rapid shaking. 

I tried to ignore the voice, but it was becoming harder to do.  When the owner of the voice ripped the covers from my body, I sat up.  “For fuck sakes, what?” I snapped.  It was Nina.  “I beg your pardon,” I said.  “For fuck sakes, what, ma’am?”

“What, are you doing, Shepard?” Nina asked.

I thought it was obvious, but maybe Nina was just slow.  “Sleeping, ma’am,” I said.  “For the good of the Alliance.”

“It’s quiet hour,” Nina said.  “Shouldn’t you be studying?”

“It wouldn’t be benefiting the Alliance nearly as much as napping is,” I said.

“Whatever,” Nina said.  “I need the A 18 protocols, Shepard.  Erwing has them in the Annexe.”

“Seriously?” I asked.  “The A 18 protocols again?”

“Seriously, Shepard,” Nina said.  “Get going.”

“No,” I said. 

“I beg your pardon?” Nina asked softly.

“No,” I repeated.  “I’m not wasting time on something that doesn’t exist.”

“Shepard, are you disobeying a direct order from a commanding officer?” Nina asked evenly.

“I-no, ma’am,” I mumbled.

“Furthermore, the A 18 protocols are vital for the functioning of this academy and the Alliance,” Nina continued.

I sighed and got out of bed.  “At once, ma’am,” I said.

Running around in search of a non-existent protocol did give me time to reflect, even though it meant I was only dismissed at six the next morning.

I was turning seventeen in six days’ time and, whilst not exactly enjoyable, the year had been illuminating.  I had learnt that I was better trained than my father had let on, that in spite of my height and asthma, I could do more far more than I thought.  I had discovered that there was something about me that was attractive to the opposite sex (perhaps midgets were in again).  I had discovered that I was a relatively good leader.  People seemed willing to follow me at any rate.  Perhaps most importantly, I had learned that I was capable of surviving just about anything that was thrown my way.

..... 

I was woken at three fifty five A.M on March 12, 2178 by three buckets of sand being thrown over my bed.

“What the-?” I shrieked, receiving a mouthful and two eyefuls of sand.  Gathered around my bed was all that remained of Pod 3.

“Happy birthday,” Suang said cheerily, clearly remembering his own birthday.

“Go fuck-,” my speech was cut off by Pierre throwing a large bucket of water over my bed.

 .....

I had never looked forward to my birthday in the past.  We generally got cool toys as kids, and Jean and I got make-up and clothes as teenagers (once I had turned fourteen and realised that any attempts at beautification were wasted on me, these gifts became a tad depressing).  The part I hated was that everyone else in the family got cake on their birthdays whilst I got a giant slab of chocolate.  The cake always looked and smelled delicious, and I was always left feeling slightly cheated.  It didn’t help that John would always make lip-smacking noises and tell me how good the delicacy I was missing out on was (granted, the cake was invariably baked by a member of the Alliance catering corps, which probably rendered the cake practically inedible in any case.  John was always a liar).

I was looking forward to this birthday even less, partly because I was missing my family, particularly Jean, terribly, but also because I knew the academy would do its best to make the day as miserable as possible.  Nine members of our dorm had already celebrated their birthdays and the list of torture and humiliation was truly something.  Suang obviously topped this list, what with being dumped upside down into a bin and shot in the arm by me, but there had been a few other note-worthy birthdays.  Bridget’s (January 28) clothes had been stolen from her and she was ordered by an irate Hutching’s to attend Earth history in the nude.  Ash (November 12) had been given a toothbrush and a bottle of Vaseline by Commander Anderson and told to scrub the gym floor (it had taken her all day).  Mikhail (December 3) had been ordered by Admiral Hackett to spend our two hour recon session humping the floor with sound effects.  The worst story perhaps was that of a Pod 4 senior who had been ordered by an instructor to count all the grains of sand on the training field.  I fully expected my birthday to be as awful as any of those, an expectation that was realised the moment I stepped out the door and was accosted by Nina, Giovanni and Mzu.  Much to my embarrassment, the three of them were able to pick me up above their heads and carry me into one of the toilet stalls in the shower room.

Too late I realised their intention.  “Don’t you-,” I was cut off by my head being forced into the toilet bowl.

I tried holding my breath, but as my mouth had been open at the time of the immersion, I swallowed a lot of water.  After what felt like an immeasurable amount of time, I was hoisted out again.  “One more time,” Mzu shouted as I coughed my lungs out.

I was given another after that (allegedly for the road.  What road, I don’t know) and then released to the rousing tune of happy birthday.  When I made for the shower, Giovanni blocked my path.

“You’ve already had one shower,” he said, smirking.  “What do you want another for?”

So I went to breakfast covered in mud and smelling like a toilet.  My breakfast tray seemed to be in order except it had a yoghurt tin on it.  “Sorry,” I said to the catering corps person.  “I think you’ve given me some of my lunch.”

“No I haven’t,” she said.

“You have,” I insisted.  “We get yoghurt with our lunch.”

“Get lost, little girl, I’m not interested,” she said.

I followed Ash and Kaidan to where Mikhail and Bridget were sitting.  I had barely taken a sip of my coffee when Giovanni pulled a seat between Bridget and Ash.

“Can we help you, Giovanni?” I snapped, not in the mood.

“Can’t I reach out to my dear junior recruits?” he asked, a silly smile on his face.

“Reach out?” Kaidan scoffed.  “The only time you have ever reached out to me, Giovanni, is when you punch me in the stomach.”

“He does?” Ash asked.

“That bruise around my belly button?” Kaidan asked.  “That’s thanks to Giovanni.”

“Ass wipe,” Bridget snapped, glaring at Giovanni.  “I can beat him up for you, Alenko, if you want.”

“Are you threatening a superior officer, she-man?” Giovanni asked quietly.

Bridget stared defiantly at him.  “What if I am?” she said angrily.  “I’m sick of you always threatening us and treating us like crap.  Yesterday you shaved off Jones’ eyebrows.  Last week you peed on Shepard whilst she was waiting in the shower line.  One month ago you stuffed my tampons into a bottle of water and made me drink the water.  I’m done with you treating us badly.  So yeah, fuck you, and if you ever touch me or my stuff again, I’m going to cut your dick off, mince it up and serve it for you on a cracker.”

There was a long pause as we waited for Giovanni to make his move.  Bridget was both taller and heavier than him, and would probably have beaten him in a straight fight.

“I’ll be reporting this,” Giovanni said softly.

“Good,” she answered.  “Can’t wait to hear what Ruben has to say about it.”

There was a tense silence around the table.  I opened my yoghurt tin (which was weirdly only a quarter of the way full), and Giovanni swung around to watch me.

“Do you have to sit here?” I mumbled.

“I sit where I want, Hobbit,” he snapped.  “Now eat up.”

I put a spoonful of yoghurt and almost spat out the horrible bitter-salty substance that was definitely not yoghurt.  I saw Giovanni’s eyes on me and forced myself to swallow.

“Trouble?” he asked.

“Why would I be having trouble?” I snapped.

I ate the entire tin of yoghurt.  “That was yummy,” I said, scraping the tin clean with my spoon. 

“How come you get yoghurt with your breakfast?” Mikhail asked grumpily.

“No doubt in honour of my special day,” I said dully.  I got up.  “You two ready?” I asked Kaidan and Ash.

They stood up.  “I need to go wash my mouth out,” I mumbled once we were out of the mess hall.

“Why?” Ash asked.

“That yoghurt?” I said, shuddering.  “It wasn’t exactly yoghurt.”

“It looked like yoghurt,” Kaidan remarked.

“Exactly,” I said grimly.  “It didn’t taste like yoghurt though.  It was salty and bitter.”

It took a while for the penny to drop.  When it did, Ash’s mouth fell open.  “That’s disgusting,” she mumbled.

“Who would do something like that?” Kaidan asked as I washed my mouth out.

“Who do you think?” I asked.

The second penny dropped.  “The sneaky fucking-,” Ash muttered angrily.

“Leave it,” I said sharply.  “Are we working on Hunt now?”

“Jane,” Kaidan started.

“I said leave it, Kaidan,” I said.

 .....

The day went from bad to worse.  The catering corps somehow lost my lunch and dinner, which meant I went the whole day with only porridge, coffee and Giovanni’s semen in my stomach.  Cat pushed me, fully clothed, into the swimming pool, which turned out to be a blessing in disguise, as it washed the mud and toilet water away.  In our language session, Kaya made me stand in the corner and recite the two hundred and seventy five letter salarian alphabet backwards for the entire hour.  Major Jupiter had me run very menial messages from the villa to the Annexe (for example: ‘what colour is the sky today?’, ‘What is the date?’, ‘What time will it be in five minutes?’, ‘Who is the prime minister?’, ‘Who was the prime minister?’, ‘Who will the next prime minister be?’, ‘Why is a raven like a writing desk?’, and ‘What is the fundamental meaning of organic life?’).  She finally dismissed me at ten minutes to midnight.

“Thank you, Junior Recruit,” she said.  “And happy birthday.”

I saluted.  “Thank you, ma’am,” I said.

 .....

Everyone was already in bed and the lights were out when I got back to the dorm.  I decided that I might as well take the opportunity to shower, as I hadn’t had the chance earlier.  I quietly picked up my toiletries and towel and made my way to the shower room, which was gloriously empty.  I got undressed, turned on the shower, and climbed under the icy jet.

The events of the day caught up with me and I realised exactly how old and tired I felt.  All I wanted was to pack my bags and walk out.  Most of all I wanted my big sister back.  I think that’s when it hit me that I was growing older whilst she would be frozen at sixteen forever.  The water running down my face wasn’t just from the shower.

“Cry baby bunting,” a voice said from behind me.  I jumped and turned.

It was Giovanni.

“What the fuck do you want?” I snapped, turning the shower off and reaching for my towel.  He picked it up.  “Give that here.”

“So, you enjoyed my cum, huh?” he asked, holding the towel out of reach. 

“Sure, it was the tastiest snack I’ve ever had,” I said sarcastically.  “Give me back my towel.”

He slapped me across the mouth.  “Don’t get smart with me,” he whispered, breathing heavily.

“Slap me again and you’ll wish you hadn’t,” I countered.  The threat rang slightly hollow as he was at least a foot taller than me.  He merely laughed.

“Do you want to know what I was thinking about when I made you that yoghurt?” he asked softly, stepping towards me. 

“Actually, I was under the impression that you don’t have a brain, so I am very impre-“

This time he hit me with the back of his hand, and I stumbled backwards into the wall.  Next second he was on top of me, his arms pinning me against the wall.  “I thought of your sweet, wet pussy,” he whispered into my ear.  I felt something wet lick my ear lobe.

“Get the fuck off me, you fucking pig,” I screamed.  Please, let someone hear me…

He punched me in the jaw and I fell to the floor.  I lay there, dazed, trying to pull myself together.  I felt him get on top of me, felt something hard press against me.

Then he was gone.  I looked around wildly and saw him floating above me, under the ceiling.

“Jane,” a voice said calmly from behind me.  Kaidan stood in the doorway, his right fist raised.  “Are you awake?”

I nodded mutely.  “I should kill you for this, you fucking asshole,” Kaidan said coldly to Giovanni.

“Let me the fuck down, freak,” Giovanni snarled, struggling against the invisible bonds holding him against the wall.  “You don’t have the balls to kill me.”

“Really?” Kaidan asked, his voice deadly.  “I’ve already killed two men, real men.  A coward like you should be easy.”  He watched as Giovanni struggled against the biotic field that was holding him in the air.  “Lucky for you, I’m on strike three, and if I kill another person, I get the chair.  I’m afraid you’re not worth dying for, so-,”

He flung his fist outwards, and Giovanni crashed into the wall and fell to the floor.  “Get the fuck out of here,” Kaidan snapped.

Wisely, Giovanni took Kaidan’s advice.  By this time I’d gotten up and put my uniform back on.  “Jane?” Kaidan asked in a totally different voice.

I cleared my throat.  “Yeah, I-,” I started and burst into tears.

His arms wrapped themselves around me.  “I’m sorry,” he whispered, rubbing my back between my shoulder blades.

Eventually I calmed down.  “I’m sorry,” I said, stepping out of his embrace and wiping my face.

“You don’t need to be sorry,” he said.  He touched the side of my face.  “You’re bleeding,” he said.

I put my fingers on the spot he had touched.  They came away wet.  “Oh, God,” I whispered.

“It’s ok,” Kaidan said, taking my hand and leading me into a toilet stall.  “It doesn’t look too deep.” 

He sat me down on the toilet seat and took his first-aid kit out of his BOL.  “This’ll sting,” he said, pouring disinfectant onto a bit of cotton-wool and pressing it against the wound.

“Kaidan,” I said.

“Yeah?” he asked.

“I don’t want to report this,” I said softly.

“I know,” Kaidan said.  He knew what I did.  Cameras were hooked up all around the academy.  If anyone cared about what had happened here, they would have sent someone by now.

“Kaidan?” I said again.

“Yeah?” he repeated.

“Who did you kill?” I asked.

“When I was ten I killed the leader of a rival gang,” he said.  “It was the first time I’d ever used my biotics against another person.”

“What happened next?” I asked.

“The police worked out that I’d killed him, and I was sent to Jump Zero to learn to control my biotics,” Kaidan said.  “Second time, I was given the choice between going to prison or coming her.”  He put a Band-Aid over the cut.  “All done,” he said.

I touched the Band-Aid.  “Thank you,” I said quietly.

He kissed the top of my head.  “Any time,” he whispered.  “Are you ready for bed?”

“I can’t sleep alone tonight,” I said.  “Will you sleep with me?”

He rubbed his forehead, the way he did when he was worried.  “Jane,” he began.

“Please,” I pleaded.

“Alright,” he said.  “But you’re going to sleep, ok?”

“Ok,” I said.

In the dorm, I climbed onto his bed and curled into a ball.  He got in next to me and started stroking my hair.  “Sleep well, Janey,” he murmured.

To my surprise, I did.

.....

The next morning, I woke up well before the rising bell.  Kaidan had wrapped his arms and legs around me like a vine, and I was sweating buckets.  I carefully extracted myself, and kissed his forehead.  “Thank you,” I whispered.

I went and showered before the rising bell rang, and was back in the dorm and fully dressed before the others had made their beds.  I skipped my chores for Nina and was first in the line at the breakfast queue.  Kaidan and Ash joined me half-an-hour later, where I sat, playing with my spoon.  “Hey,” Kaidan said.  “Did you sleep ok?”

“Yeah,” I answered.  “You?”

“Not to awful, thanks,” he answered.

“What happened to your face, Jane?” Ash asked, her eyes on my swollen lips and cheeks, and the Band-Aid on my cheek.

“Nothing,” I said.  “It always looks like this.”

“And I’m Shaira the consort,” she snorted.  “Does this have anything to do with the fact that the two of you shared a bed last night?”

“How did you know that?” I asked, going back to my spoon play.

“I was on duty last night,” Ash explained.  She glanced around.  “Look, whatever’s going on here, I fully support you, but you need to be careful.  There’s a lot of trouble you two can get into,” she said softly.

“There’s nothing going on here,” Kaidan said.

At that moment, Nina, Giovanni and Mzu walked into the mess hall.  Giovanni scowled in our direction, and sat down at a table on the opposite side of the room.  Nina stormed in our direction.

“Shepard,” she shouted when she was halfway to us.

“Oh brother,” I mumbled.

“Why is my bed not made?” she bellowed.

“Because I haven’t made it yet,” I said, flipping the spoon between my fingers.

“And why not?” she shouted.

“Well, this morning, when I awoke, I was feeling kind of sad, feeling kinda blue,” I said, not looking at her.  “I couldn’t fight the feeling, I didn’t know what to do.  So I decided not to make your bed.”

“You’re on a charge,” she shouted.  “Twenty four hour stand to should help you realise you need to have an attitude change.”

“Look forward to it,” I said.

“Jane, what’s wrong?” Ash asked once Nina had stormed off.

“Nothing,” I said.

“Jane.”

“Ash, shut up,” I snapped.  I got up.  “I’d best get to it,” I said.

“But you haven’t eaten,” Ash said.

“I’m not hungry,” I said.

I went to fetch my fake-rifle and went to stand guard on the wall.  The sun soon rose and scorched the earth, but I didn’t notice.  In fact, I don’t think I noticed anything at all that day.  When I was finally relieved at half past four the next morning, I should have been hungry, but strangely I was not.  I went to the mess hall purely to meet up with Ash and Kaidan.  I had barely sat down when Nina came over.

“Look, ma’am, I haven’t made your bed because I was on a twenty four hour stand to,” I said.  “I’ll be happy to go do it now.”

“No need, Shepard,” she said.  She had a strange expression on her face.  “Casey wants to see you.”

Casey was the new pod warden and ruled the pod with an iron fist.  “Why?” I asked.

“You’ll see,” she said.  “He wants to see you too, Alenko.”

“Right,” Kaidan said, getting up.  “We’ll meet you at the climbing wall, Ash.”

“Sure,” she said.

“What do you suppose this is about?” Kaidan asked as we walked to Casey’s office.

“No idea,” I said, although I had a pretty good idea.  “Maybe something to do with officership training.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan said.  “Maybe.”  He sighed.  “How are you doing, Jane?” he asked.

“Fine,” I said.

“Really?” he asked sceptically. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I snapped.

“It means that you haven’t had anything to eat or had time to sleep in a really long time,” Kaidan answered.

“Don’t worry about me,” I said in a lower voice.  “I’ll be ok.”

He raised his eyebrows, but knocked on Casey’s door.  “Come in,” a voice called from inside.

We went inside.  Casey was a short, surprisingly plump man (I say surprisingly owing to the fact that most people tended not to be plump anymore.  The best we can hope for is unusually curvy.)

“Which is which?” he asked, examining us in the manner someone might examine something particularly nasty.

“I’m Shepard,” I said.

“And I’m Alenko,” Kaidan said.

“Funny,” Casey said, frowning.  “The way the other trainers talk, I assumed it would be the other way around.”

He seemed to expect an answer, so I said, “Yes sir.  Commander Anderson thinks I’m a boy and Alenko is a serial killer.”

“I couldn’t care less, Shepard,” Casey said.  “I have called you here on a pre-emptive strike.  It has come to our attention that the two of you may be contemplating a breach of protocol.”

“Sir?” Kaidan asked, sounding confused.  I however could see where this was going.

“Watch this vid that was taken from the camera in the junior recruit dorm on the morning of 13 March,” Casey said, pressing a few buttons on his terminal and turned the screen to face us. 

The vid was of our dorm.  On the very edge of the frame Kaidan’s bunk was visible.  On the top bunk slept Mikhail.  Below him lay Kaidan and me, our bodies entwined.

“So?” I asked, looking up.  “Alenko and I aren’t breaking any regs.  Soldiers share bivvies all the time.”

“Perhaps you want to tell me about the events that led up to the two of you sharing a bivvie, Shepard,” Casey said.

“Jane,” Kaidan whispered.

“I had a bad dream,” I said, ignoring him.

Casey frowned at me.  “Are you sure you don’t have anything else to say on the matter?” he asked.  He knew what had happened, but wouldn’t act unless I made a formal complaint.

“No sir,” I said.  “What else could I say on this matter?”

He sighed deeply.  “I know no regs were broken or else you would both already be in the brig,” he said.  “However, if other rules were broken, rules perhaps greater than that of the Alliance military, I would make sure that the culprit gets what he deserves, so I’ll ask the two of you again: is there anything you want to tell me.”

I made my face as expressionless as possible.  “There’s nothing I want to tell you, sir,” I said.

“Alenko?” Casey asked hopefully.

“No sir, nothing to report,” Kaidan mumbled uncomfortably.

“Very well,” Casey said, looking deeply disappointed.  “Let me know if you change your minds.  Dismissed.”

We saluted and left.

“What the hell, Jane?” Kaidan asked angrily when we had left the room.  “This was your chance to give that bastard what he deserved.  Why didn’t you report him?”

“It’s not important,” I said.  “We need to get to training.”

He grabbed my arm, and I flinched away from him.  He flushed and released my arm again.  “Hell it’s not important,” he snapped.  “Just tell me the truth for once.  Why are you letting Giovanni walk?”

“You of all people should know Kaidan,” I said angrily back.

“Well, I don’t,” he snapped.  “So tell me already.”

“After my dad shot me, there was a huge court case where my entire childhood was laid bare in front of the entire Alliance,” I said.  “Of course, my name wasn’t released, but I still became a household celebrity, proof that military brats are for the most part badly mistreated by their parents.  I’m not putting myself through that again as proof that the military messes with people’s heads.  Can you understand that?”

“I-,” Kaidan began.  “Yes, I can understand that.”

“Good,” I said.  “Now can we please go to training?”

..... 

Ash was waiting for us at the climbing wall.  “What did his highness want?” she asked, tossing us each a harness.

“Warn us against breaking regs,” Kaidan said offhandedly.  “Who wants to climb and who wants to bee-lay first?”

“I’ll bee-lay if Ash climbs first,” I said.  “No offence, Kaidan, but I don’t think I’m feeling strong enough to support you at the moment.”

“I’ll climb,” Ash said.  “He’s right though, a couple of months in jail is not worth it.”

“Thanks, Ash,” Kaidan said.  “But there’s nothing between Jane and me.”

“Uh huh,” Ash mumbled, tying a rope around her harness. 

There was a cough, and Giovanni came around the climbing wall.  “What do you want?” Kaidan snapped.  “Don’t you also have hours you need to make?”

“Freedom of choice, Alenko, I can go wherever I want,” Giovanni said, settling himself against the wall. 

“Whatever,” Kaidan mumbled.  “You ready, Ash?”

“Ja,” Ash said.  We moved to the wall, and she pulled the rope and started climbing.  Kaidan and I may have had Ash beat on most things (apart from hand-to-hand combat in my case, where she almost certainly had me trounced), but she was by far the best climber out of the three of us.  She was light enough to climb the less-stable supports, strong enough not to tire out easily, but most of all, she was fearless.  Most of the time people would get halfway up the wall, look down, get vertigo and climb down again.  Ash never did that.  She said it was because she trusted her bee-layer enough to know that he or she would support her if she slipped.

Unfortunately, on this day I was proving not to be a great bee-layer.  I could feel Giovanni’s eyes on me as I worked, and my hands would either slip or not reel in fast enough, leaving Ash with a considerable amount of slack rope.

“Jane, wake up,” Ash shouted when she reached the middle of the wall. 

“Sorry,” I mumbled, reeling in the slack rope.

“Something distracting you, Hobbit?” Giovanni asked quietly.

“Hey, asshole, why don’t you do the galaxy a favour and go jump off a cliff?” I snapped, my voice trembling slightly.

“I wouldn’t threaten me if I were you, Shepard,” he said.

“No,” I said.  “I think it’s you who shouldn’t be threatening me.”

He bared his teeth, but didn’t say anything else.  “What’s going on down there?” Ash called.

“Nothing,” I replied.

Giovanni followed us from the climbing wall to the training field where we met the rest of the pod to work on our long-distance running.  From there he followed us to the Annexe where we were practicing reading recon maps.  The only times he wasn’t following us was when we were in our theory classes.  The moment we left those however, he was back on our tails.

“Is there a reason this asshole is hanging around?” Ash asked in frustration when we left our protocol class to go to supper.  He was walking a few paces behind us.

“He’s a penis,” Kaidan said.  “Just ignore him.  He knows better than to mess with us.”

“If you say so,” Ash mumbled.

At mealtimes he would sit at a table close to us.  And always he would be watching us.  Even though I tried not to let him, he was scaring me.  The next day was much the same, with me not eating or sleeping much and Giovanni following me everywhere I went.  And so it went on for three days, until eventually I had had enough.

After supper, during Quiet Hour, I went to the villa to clean Major Jupiter’s weapons and sort ammo for her.  The N7 programme had reached the stage where there were only thirteen recruits left.  The Jupiter twins were still in the running, as was Isabella Fontana.  However, the tests were becoming more and more difficult, and as a result, Major Jupiter was pushing for more work faster from me.  I decided that that might just have been her way of dealing with stress.  Stress was an interesting thing, in my opinion, and everyone had different ways of dealing with it.  I collapsed under stress and performed poorly in everything.  Kaidan didn’t get stressed as he failed to see the consequences of failure.  Ash was brilliant at compartmentalising and could handle almost anything thrown her way.  Cat started bragging.  And Major Jupiter made extreme demands from those around her.  Oh well.

After I had cleaned her weapons and sorted the ammo, she asked me to take her BOL and weapons’ belt up to the weapons locker.  I slung the BOL over my left shoulder and carried the weapons’ belt in my arms.  It was a dark evening, and the air was strangely humid.  I wondered if it might rain.

“Hey, Hobbit,” a voice said softly to my left and I jumped and dropped the weapons’ belt.

It was Giovanni.  Of course.

“What do you want?” I snapped, trying to keep my voice from trembling.

“Just wanted to see if you wanted some company,” he said.  “Wanted to see if your sweet little pussy was wet like last time.”

I punched him as hard as I could, right on the nose.  He stumbled backwards, his hands covering his face.  “You bitch,” he yelled.  “You broke my fucking nose.”

“Be glad that’s all I broke, Giovanni,” I spat. 

He punched me in the face and I found myself on the ground.  Right next to the weapons’ belt.  I took the first weapon that my hands fell on, which happened to be the Katana shotgun. 

“What are you doing?” he asked, watching as I calmly loaded the gun.

“Getting ready to shoot you,” I said, my voice completely calm and steady.

“Yeah right,” he sneered.  “You don’t have the stomach to shoot me.”

The bullet grazed past his left cheek.  “Something you should know about me,” I said quietly.  “I don’t miss.  You say another word, and the next bullet goes straight between your eyes.  Nod if you understand me.”  He nodded.  “Good,” I said, getting to my feet and pointing the barrel of the shotgun right at his mouth.  “Now, here’s what’s going to happen.  You are going to go back to your dorm and I’m going to take this to the armoury.  We are going to pretend like tonight and that other night never happened, but if you come near to me again, if you speak to me or even look at me, I will kill you, and don’t think for a second I won’t.  Given what happened tonight and on the night of my birthday, I think any jury would consider your murder reasonable grounds and I will be acquitted.  Nod if you understand me.”  He nodded, his face white.  “Good,” I said.  “Now, as I still owe you for what you did to me.”  I hit him hard across the face with the butt of the shotgun.  “Get the fuck out of here,” I said.  “And don’t even think about telling anyone about what happened here, or I will make you regret it.”

He turned tail and ran away.  I was trembling when I lowered the gun, scared not because of what I had done, but because of what I had wanted to do.  I turned and saw with a sickening jolt in my stomach that Major Jupiter was standing behind me.  She had seen the entire thing.

“Everything alright, girl?” she asked.

I saluted.  “Yes ma’am,” I said.

She nodded.  “Good,” she said.  “You dirtied my shotgun and you need to replace the bullets you used.”

“Aye aye, ma’am,” I said.

..... 

Commander Anderson met me in front of the Annexe at twelve noon on March eighteen.  “You have your blues?” he asked me without preamble.

“Yes sir,” I said.  “I doubt they’ll fit me though, my uniforms tend to be too tall for me.”

“As long as it’s blue and has those medals that you somehow seem to be winning despite the fact that you are only an average soldier, I don’t really care, Ken,” Commander Anderson said dismissively.  “Come on.”

“What time is the presentation?” I asked.

“At six,” Commander Anderson said.

“Then why are we leaving six hours early, sir?” I asked, getting into the shuttle.

“Well, mostly because I don’t have time later,” Commander Anderson said.  “The missus has us on a tight schedule.  I need to fetch my uniform from the dry cleaners, fetch the kids from school, go for a haircut and pick up dinner before tonight.”

“Can’t she help out with some of these things?” I asked.

“What a jolly good idea, Ken, why didn’t I think of that sooner?” Commander Anderson said sarcastically.  “My wife is nine months pregnant and therefore mostly gets her own way.  I don’t mind.  It means I have something to distract me with before I am thrown at the mercy of the Alliance brass.  In fact, I’m hoping her waters will break so that we don’t have to go to this stupid ceremony at all.”

Wow.  “So, you have kids, do you sir?” I asked.

“A son named Nigel and a daughter named Angelina, and if you so much as look at them funny, I will force you to spend the rest of your time at Del Sol running laps,” Commander Anderson said.  “Everyone knows spacers aren’t to be trusted.”

“You’re Earthborn, aren’t you sir?” I asked somewhat cheekily.

“I’m very impressed that you know how to read fan articles, Ken,” Commander Anderson said, his voice bored.  “Now, we’re on our way to my flat in London.  My wife has quite the little temper, so try not to be too much of a smart arse around her.  Honestly, the woman makes me seem like a teddy bear.”

I tried to imagine that.  I couldn’t.  “Uh huh,” I said.

“That’s not the appropriate way to address your commanding officer, Ken,” Commander Anderson said.

“Oh, right,” I said.  “Uh huh, sir.”

“Don’t test my patience, boy,” Commander Anderson grunted.  “So what’s this I hear about you wanting to smuggle a Spider9 into the academy?”

“It was my father’s,” I said.  “He left it to me in his will.”

“Well, I can tell you now that I told Ruben that hell will freeze over before a recruit is allowed to bring his or her own weapon into the academy.  Understood?”

“Yes sir,” I said.

 .....

Commander Anderson’s apartment was in Westminster, a historically rich area where the old British houses of parliament were located.  London was a strange city.  In Seattle the divide between rich and poor was obvious (most of the rich residents lived on Capitol Hill, whilst the poorer people lived close to the sound).  London however was a mostly upper-middle class area, owing to the fact that most of the poor people from London opted to rather to remain on the British colony, Horizon, because there they received good healthcare, housing and jobs (this of course proved that the British weren’t driven by the same blind patriotism that my people were, and were therefore better off for it.)

Commander Anderson lived on the nine hundred and eightieth floor of his apartment block.  He parked the shuttle on the skycar lot on the roof and we took the elevator down.  Commander Anderson glared at me as he inserted his key card into the slot of his apartment door and pushed the door open.

“Debs?” he called.

“David?” a voice called from somewhere in the apartment depths.  “Is that you?”

“Who else?” he called, taking his coat off.  “Do you want to take your coat off, Ken?”

I shook my head no, as a tall, hugely pregnant woman walked into the hall.  “You’re earlier than I expected,” she said.

He kissed her.  “How lovely to see you too, honey,” he said.  “I missed you a great deal.”

“Yeah, right,” she snorted, kissing him back.  “Who’s this?”

“This is Ken, one of the recruits from Del Sol,” Commander Anderson said, waiving an airy hand in my general direction.  “He’ll be announcing me.  Ken, meet my wife, Deborah.”

I shook her hand.  “Good to meet you, ma’am,” I said.

“Nice to meet you too,” she said.  “Is your name really Ken?”

“No ma’am,” I said.  “I’m also not a boy.  My real name is Jane.”

“Ken, what have I told you before?” Commander Anderson said sharply.

“Sorry, sir,” I sighed.  “My name is Ken, and I’m definitely male.”

“Come through,” Mrs Anderson said.  “Would you like a cup of tea?”

“Um, sure,” I said. 

She had us both sit down at the kitchen table whilst she brewed a pot of tea.  “I’m sure the commander has spoken a great deal about how I’m his least favourite recruit,” I said, by way of making conversation.

“No, he’s never mentioned anyone called Ken,” Mrs Anderson said.

“Rest assured, Ken, even if I did talk about my recruits at home, I wouldn’t waste breath talking about you,” Commander Anderson said.  “Besides, you’re not my least favourite recruit.”

“Oh?” I asked, trying and failing to sound disinterested.  “Who is your least favourite recruit then?”

“Lurch,” Commander Anderson answered.  “Do we have biscuits, Debs?”

“Wait a second, sir,” I said.  “You hate Mahlberg more than you hate me?”

“Don’t feel too bad about it, Ken, you come in at a close second,” Commander Anderson said.

“But why?” I asked, outraged that Sven was stealing my thunder.  “I’m far stupider than Mahlberg is.  I fabricated my health records and put Alenko’s and my life at risk to rescue Tobrin.”

“Yes, there is that,” Commander Anderson said.  “However, you are occasionally capable of holding an intelligent conversation.”

“Never mind, love,” Mrs Anderson said.  “He only ever talks about one of his recruits, who I gather is one of his favourites.”

“Who is it?” I asked.

“I don’t know her name, only her nickname,” Mrs Anderson said.

“Debbie, don’t,” Commander Anderson said warningly.

She ignored him.  “Barbie,” she said.

“Bar-Ash is your favourite recruit?” I asked in shock.

“Right, that’s it,” Commander Anderson said commandingly.  “I’m ending this conversation right now.”

“You’re unbelievable,” I mumbled.

“Careful, Ken, just because we’re not at Del Sol anymore doesn’t mean I can’t order you to do push-ups,” Commander Anderson said.  “In fact, I’m sure Debbie will be very entertained by your wheezing whilst you make your way to one hundred.”

Mrs Anderson laughed.  “I like this one,” she said.  “She’s far braver than any of your other recruits.  How old are you, Jane?”

“I’m seventeen, ma’am,” I answered.

“Ken, what have I told you about lying?” Commander Anderson asked.

I rolled my eyes.  “I’m ten ma’am,” I said.

“He’ll turn eleven any day now, Debs,” Commander Anderson said.  I scowled.

 .....

After I’d gotten changed into my formal wear, Commander Anderson and I went to fetch his children from the London CLP.  “So, tell me Ken, can you fly yet?” he asked, unlocking a fancy red skycar.

“No, sir,” I said.  “Charles Manson, Grub and I were all in the med bay when Lieutenant Morreau came to teach flying.  We’re getting lessons when he comes back to test the others.”

“I was about to not offer to let you fly there, Ken,” he said.  “Oh, your omnitool is in my BOL, in case I need to get hold of you.”

I took my omnitool out of the BOL.  “Hello, fartface,” Freddie said, popping out of the omnitool the moment I had switched it on.  “Long time no see.”

“Not long enough in my opinion, Freddie,” I said.

“What’s that?” Commander Anderson asked sharply.

“A VI shell my brother programmed for my Christmas gift,” I explained.

“Hey, Freckles, you seem to have gotten uglier since last I saw you,” Freddie said.

I raised my eyebrows.  “God, I want to meet the genius that invented this thing and shake his hand,” Commander Anderson laughed.  “Hey, VI, did you know that your owner is actually a boy?”

Freddie seemed to contemplate this.  “No data available,” it said at last.

“I’m sure if you told Jason of this, he would modify Freddie’s core programming to reflect this fact,” I sighed.

“Then, Ken, that is what I shall do when I meet this evil mastermind,” Commander Anderson said with relish.

 .....

Commander Anderson’s son was his spitting image.  He was four years old and attending play school at CLP.  His older sister, Angelina, was six.  She had her hair done in little braids, each with a bead adorning the end.

“Kids, this is no one of importance,” Commander Anderson said by way of introduction.  “But, you can call him Ken.  Ken, this is my daughter, Angelina, and my son, Nigel.  Let’s go for burgers.”

We went for burgers and I found myself unnaturally jealous of Commander Anderson’s children.  He allowed them to choose whatever they wanted off the menu at Burger Joint, despite the fact that the final bill come to well over five million credits.  He admired a drawing that Nigel had made on a piece of canvas at school, commenting on the vivid use of colour.  He encouraged Angelina, who was struggling to learn to read, to keep at it, and even offered to help her learn.  This was what a childhood should be like, I realised.  Parents that love and support you, not put you under ridiculous pressure.

“You ok there, Ken?” Commander Anderson asked at some point close to the end of the meal.  “You’re looking somewhat green.”

“I’m fine,” I said.

“It must be all the lipids you consumed,” Freddie said, not wishing to miss the opportunity to throw its two cents in.  “You know, a burger contains a calorie count of-,”

“Don’t care, Freddie,” I said.

“Well, if that’s the way you’re going to be,” it said miffily.

 .....

I had never seen so many high-ranking officers in one place.  The ceremony was taking place inside the old Westminster Abbey, and everywhere I looked were people with a humungous amount of medals running down their coats.  “Here we are, Ken,” Commander Anderson said, handing me a glass of orange juice. 

“Thank you sir,” I said, trying hard not to roll my eyes.

He was soon engaged in conversation with a group of very serious-looking generals and I was left wondering exactly what I should do.

“Hey, are you a teetotaller?” a voice asked from behind me.  I turned.

It was a dark-skinned private with absolutely no medal ribbons and only one eye.  I wasn’t sure what the protocol was, but I tried not to stare at the hole where his right eye should have been.

“My commander thinks I’m ten, so he won’t let me take any of the champagne,” I said.  “Sir,” I added, not knowing whether he was egomaniacal or not.

He frowned.  “What rank are you?” he asked.

“Junior recruit, sir,” I said.  “This marine is called Jane Shepard, sir.”

“Cut that out,” he said.  “I’m Serviceman Third Class Zaeed Masaad of Marine Corps Scout Snipers Company Three at your service.”

“Scout Snipers, huh?” I asked.  “I was going to ask how a one-eyed man was still in the marines, but if you’re a sniper I guess it makes sense.  Only need one eye to use a sniper rifle.”

He grinned.  “I was a wise-arse too when I was a recruit,” he said.  “Of course, the moment I graduated that was kicked out of me.”  I laughed.  “No, literally, my CO kicked me until I was unconscious.  It’s a rough world out there.”

“Uh, right,” I said, not quite sure I liked Private Masaad.

“So, who’re you announcing?” he asked.  “I’m the lowest rank in my company, so I’m doing both Major Luna Jupiter and First Lieutenant Carlotta Antonio.”

“I’m announcing Commander David Anderson,” I said, who for some reason decided to make an appearance behind me.  Private Masaad jumped to attention.

“At ease, marine,” Commander Anderson said.  “Ken, I need you to be a wise-arse at someone for me.”

“Sir, I can’t do that sort of thing under pressure,” I said.  “It needs to come naturally.”

“I need you to tell Admiral Greyling’s wife that she’s fat,” Commander Anderson said.  “I hate that man, and I need to have someone to blame for pissing him off.”

“What?” I said.  “No, I’ll get kicked out for sure.  If you’re angry at Admiral Greyling, you need to do your own insulting.”

For a moment it looked like Commander Anderson was going to shout at me.  Instead he said, “Go find us some food, Ken.”

“Aye aye sir,” I said.

 .....

The presentation ceremony was incredibly long and boring.  For some reason, the people doing the announcing were make extra-long, mostly untrue speeches about how amazing their COs were, as if enough speeches weren’t being made as it was.  Thankfully, the Churchill medal was handed out quite close to the beginning of the ceremony.  General Patel, the MC, said, “And to announce the recipient of the next medal, we have Junior Recruit Ken.”

I got up and went to the lectern.  Naturally the microphone was too high for me and had to be lowered.  I cleared my throat.  “Members of the Alliance Military, Joint Military Council, ladies, gentlemen, relatives, it gives me great pleasure to announce the recipient of the Churchill Medal of tenacity: Commander David Edward Anderson,” I said in my most official voice.  “Thank you.”

I was given a standing ovation.  I guess short, sweet and to the point was exactly what the crowd needed.  I went back to my seat as someone else was given the responsibility of outlining Commander Anderson’s achievements to date.  By the time half the medals had been awarded, I was wishing to be somewhere very far away.  “Hey,” a voice whispered in my ear.  It was a valet.  “Are you Ken?”

I sighed.  “That’s one of my names, although I prefer either Jane or Your Hotness,” I whispered back.

“Commander Anderson wants you up front,” the valet whispered, ignoring me superbly.

I got up and followed him outside where Commander and Mrs Anderson were waiting.  “What’s the matter, sir?” I asked.  “Had enough?”

“Debbie’s waters broke,” he answered.  “Why she couldn’t have done this half-an-hour earlier, I don’t know, but there you have it.  I’ve called a cab to take you back to Del Sol.  It should be here any minute now.  I know you can’t fly, so I’ve requested a driver to come along.”

“Alright,” I said.  “Will you two be ok?”

“Well, Ken, she’s had two of the little buggers already, so I think we know what we’re doing here,” Commander Anderson said.  At that moment the cab arrived.

Commander Anderson put in his credit account code on the meter.  “Take her to Del Sol Academy in the Brazilian Desert,” he said.  He turned to me.  “Thank you, Ken,” he said.  “You weren’t completely hopeless tonight.”

“Thank you sir,” I said.  “I think.”

I got into the cab and he shut the door behind me.  Maybe he wasn’t so bad after all.


	12. Chapter eleven: April to May: the roundrobin and Luna Base

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The junior recruits compete in the roundrobin, and Jane makes a tough decision

After a stirring speech from Admiral Greyling about how we would be representing the Alliance in our time away and how the roundrobin would be our time to shine, we boarded a shuttle to the space port in Seattle.

“So, any idea what I can expect at tech academy?” Kaidan asked.

“A bunch of nerds with glasses, braces and clipboards that only speak binary?” I suggested.  He ignored me.

“I wonder what we’ll be doing on these ships,” Suang murmured.  “You’re lucky, Williams, you’ve lived on a ship.”

“Yeah, well, that probably means that I’ll be ridden twice as hard as the rest of you,” Ash said, scowling. 

“Hey, will your boyfriend be there when we land, Shep?” Pierre asked.

“It’s a five minute layover,” I said.  “Why would he be there?”

To be honest, I was somewhat confused about my and Gcina’s relationship.  I missed him a lot, but when we had spoken at the last com Sunday he had seemed distant.  I knew that Ash had told me that I had to make a choice between him and Kaidan, but every time I thought about choosing Gcina over Kaidan, I thought of how much it would hurt to lose Kaidan, but every time I thought about going for Kaidan, I would think of how much danger I would be putting us both in.  Maybe time away from both of them was what I needed in order to decide.

At the Seattle spaceport Ash hugged me.  “Take care,” she said.  “Try not to get blown up or anything.”

“Yeah,” I said.  “Enjoy being back in space.  I’ll miss you.”

For a moment Kaidan looked as though he was going to walk away without saying goodbye, but at the last moment he put his arms around me.  “Stay safe, Jane,” he said.  “Don’t forget, we have a roundrobin to win.”

“Yeah, that’s not going to happen, Alenko,” Bridget said.  “Team Zorax all the way.”

..... 

The moment our ship (a civilian cargo ship called, for some reason, Pottymouth) had taken off, I got out of my seat and went over to the window.  I watched as Earth got smaller and smaller, and suddenly we were past the atmosphere and in space.  The stars shone brightly around me and for the first time in a very long time, I felt at peace.  I was home.

“Oh, wow,” Cat whispered, coming to stand next to me.  “Space. I missed it.”

“Yeah,” I said.  “Me too.”

I stood at the portal for the entire one hour journey to Luna.  As we were approaching the landing zone, one of the crewmen came over to us.  “You need to put on pressure suits and breather helmets,” he said.  “No atmosphere on the moon.”

“You know, I went to a P-funk concert once that was pretty much the same,” I said.  He ignored me.

 .....

Luna Base consisted of four large buildings that served as the training grounds for the Alliance Artillery Corps.  It was the oldest military base we had, having been established shortly before the First Contact War.  Cat and I were in for an interesting time.  The navy disliked marines that served in the fleet because they were Gung-Ho and generally got all the credit in missions.  Artillery soldiers justed hated marines in general because they felt marines were big-headed.  Marines felt that artillery soldiers were stupid.  The artillery soldiers were jealous of the marines because they got better ground missions.  The marines felt that the Artillery Corps was unnecessary, as they felt that members of the Special Forces could be trained to perform all the same tasks.  And so the animosity continued.

When we disembarked, we were told to report to Building One, where the base’s administration was housed.  Once we had gone through decontamination and repressurisation, we could take our breather helmets off.

“Cheerful place,” I murmured.  The inside of the building was concrete, anonymous and grey.

“Can I help you two?” a bored looking G1 (the artillery equivalent to an N1) asked.

“Um, I’m Junior Recruit Catlin Anna Tatum McDougal, and this is Junior Recruit Jane Shepard,” Cat said.  “We’re the recruits from Del Sol Academy.”

“Ah yes,” the G1 said.  “The Marines.”  The way she said it, I knew she intended it to be insulting.

“As in Muscles Are Required, Intelligence Not Essential?” I asked.  “Yeah that’s us.  Is this the Alliance Army?  You know, Alien Assholes Robbed Me Yesterday.”

“Smart arse, are you?” she asked.  “I guess the marines aren’t nearly as good at the whole ‘break ‘em down to build ‘em up’ thing as they make out.”

“No, ma’am, actually they’re really good,” I said.  “I’m just a tough nut to crack.”

“You have no idea how tough,” Cat mumbled.

“Well, maybe we little artillery soldiers will succeed where they failed,” the G1 said sarcastically.

“You can try, ma’am, but I doubt you’ll make much difference,” I said.  “My father tried for sixteen years and he couldn’t.”

“You two will be in building three,” the G1 said.  “Someone will be along to show you there in a minute.”

“Building three, Pod 3,” I mumbled to Cat as we sat down to wait.  “I’m the third child in my family.  I have three names.  Three seems to be my lucky number.”

“Why are you telling me this, Shepard?” Cat asked.

“No reason, I just thought you might be interested,” I said.

“Ok, well, bear in mind that marines aren’t liked around here,” Cat said.

“Why are you telling me this, McDougal?” I asked.

“Well, violence seems to follow you, Shepard, and I don’t plan on being beaten up because you can’t keep your fat mouth shut,” she snapped.

“Your face is fat,” I snapped back.

“Are you two the marines?” a short, dark boy asked.

“As in Math and Reading is not Essential?” I asked.  “Sure.  Is this the Alliance Army?  As in Aliens Ass Raped Me Yesterday.”

“Shepard, shut up,” Cat hissed.

“Your friend is smart,” the boy said.  “You should listen to her.”

“She’s definitely not my friend,” I said.  “Junior Recruit Jane Shepard.  She’s Junior Recruit Catlin Tatum Anna McDougal.”

“Anna Tatum,” Cat corrected.

“Pardon me, Junior Recruit Anna Tatum,” I said.

“Senior Ensign Saleb Tralena,” the boy said.  “Welcome to Luna Base.  Come on, I’ll show you to your quarters.”

We had to put the helmets back on to go outside again, then go through decontamination and repressurisation again once we reached Building Three.  “Doesn’t it get kinda old, doing this every time you want to go somewhere?” I asked as we walked down an equally grey and anonymous corridor.

“Doesn’t it get old, having to ask for advice from HQ every time you go into the field and find an obstacle you can’t shoot?” Saleb countered.

“Well, that’s why we’re here,” Cat said.  “To learn how to overcome these obstacles and recalibrate guns and stuff.”

“McDougal, those guns you’re talking about tend to shoot our problems away just as easily as my rifle does,” I pointed out.

“So why are you here, Shepard?” McDougal asked.

“Well, weapons specialists make five thousand credits a month more than a serviceman does,” I said.  “Also, I wasn’t really given a choice.”

“So, like all marines, you’re in it for the money?” Saleb asked.

“Well, since this my career at least for the next seven years, I might as well be,” I said.  “Why, don’t tell me you enlisted out of patriotism.”

“Someone needs to be willing to defend humanity against the aliens,” Saleb said.  “At least I know what colour my blood is.”

“Oh, Christ, a xenophobe,” I mumbled.  “Don’t tell me, you’ll be voting for Terra Firma at the next elections.”

Terra Firma was a pro-human political party that did not hide the fact that they were against all aliens. 

“So, what’s wrong with voting for Terra Firma?” Cat asked.  “They have my vote.”

“Ok, has anyone noticed that, apart from the First Contact War, all the wars that we humans have fought in have been over intolerance of some kind?” I asked.

“How quant, an idealist,” Saleb mumbled.  “In here.”

He pushed open a door, revealing a room barely bigger than a broom cupboard, whose entire floor space was taken up by a large double bed.  “Looks like this is you, Shepard,” Cat said.

“Yeah, thanks,” I mumbled, ducking inside and dumping my duffel onto the bed. 

“You’re in here too, Red,” Saleb said.  “Take five minutes to spruce up, then I’ll take you to lunch.”

“What?” Cat asked, sounding desperate.  “I can’t sleep in here, it’s too small.  I have needs.  I hate Shepard, she reeks of failure.”

“You think you got it bad?” I snapped.  “I’m sharing a bed with a red-haired, freckle-faced narcissist from Scotland.  How do you think I feel about that?”

“God, marine actually stands for Maybe Any Retard is Now Enough,” Saleb said.  “Take care, ladies, I’ll see you in a bit.”

He left, slamming the door behind him.  “If you start getting touchy-feely in bed, I’m booting you out, I don’t care if we serve in the same corps,” I warned McDougal.

Her response was short and eloquent.  “Bite me, Shepard,” she said.

..... 

Our lunch was served in a mess hall that was twice as long as ours, but that had three long tables instead of a bunch of little tables, which meant everyone was pretty much forced together.  When Cat and I walked in with Saleb, a deep silence fell in the hall as everyone turned to stare at us.

“Well, this is cheery,” I mumbled.  We received our trays from a catering corps member who I could swear was a clone of the one at Del Sol.  I was pleased to see that, whilst the food still looked pretty much the same quality, it had doubled in quantity.

“Hm, more food, friendly colleagues, great quarters,” I murmured.  “Why didn’t I join the artillery sooner?”

“You’re too short,” Saleb said.

“Shepard’s a pretty convincing liar when it comes to her height,” Cat said.

After lunch we were given a tour of the four buildings.  Each building had a different focus, where the different parts of the artillery units learnt their trade.  Building one was the maintenance and use of ground and air cannons.  Building two was the building and use of the three heavy weapons Alliance soldiers were permitted to use (under special circumstances).  Building three was the building and circumventing of specialised explosive devices.  Building four was the use of specialised weapons (such as sniper rifles and machine gun turrets), and also housed the paratrooper training facility.

“To think,” I said, looking around Building four’s main hall.  “This could have been my home.  My dad expected me to be sent to paratrooper training.”

“I wish you had been sent here,” Cat mumbled.

“Yeah, well, looking at your face, so do I,” I said.

“The schedule is simple,” Saleb said, ignoring us both.  “Get up at 0600 hours, shower and eat until 0700 hours.  You will be in building one from 0700 hours to 1000 hours, in building two from 1000 hours until 1300 hours.  Lunch is from 1300 to 1400 hours.  Chores are from 1400 to 1500 hours.  You’ll be in building three from 1500 to 1800 hours.  Supper is from 1800 to 1900 hours, then you’ll go to Building four until 2100 hours, watch the news, then go back to Building four until 2300 hours.  Quiet hour is until 2400 hours, then you bed down.”

“Wait, you get six hours sleep here?” Cat asked in amazement.

“We’re definitely in the wrong corps,” I said.  “Extra food, extra sleep, and you generally don’t have to see the faces of the people you kill because you’re fighting at a distance.”

..... 

My first day of specialised weapons training was every bit as alarming as my first day at Del Sol.  In our first session, our first two hours were spent being taught how to program the targeting matrix on a GARDIAN defence cannon.  Most of it sounded like a bunch of gibberish mixed in with a number of mathematic equations that made very little sense.  In the final hour we were told to separate and program a targeting matrix so that it only targeted aliens.

I got as far as opening the command ribbon before I got stuck. ”Hey, McDougal,” I hissed at Cat who was working next to me.

“What?” she hissed back.

“I’ve gotten the command ribbon open,” I hissed.  “What comes next?”

She rolled her eyes.  “Try working on your own for a change, Shepard,” she snapped quietly, turning her back on me.

I scowled, and tried to decipher what the textbook said.  A lot of it seemed mathematical, but I somehow managed to program distance to begin shooting at, shell trajectory and speed, and angle to shoot at.

I got stuck though with the IFF.  To target all aliens?  That would take forever.  Currently there were thirteen different species of aliens that we knew of, trying to determine identity and biometric codes for all of them would take at least one day.

“Shepard,” Cat hissed.  “Do you know how many digits there are in a yahg’s identity code?”

“Can you try to do a challenge without my help, McDougal?” I snapped quietly.

There were fourteen sapient species living in the galaxy: asari, salarian, turian, krogan, volus, Collector, quarian, elcor, hanar, drell, batarian, vorcha, yahg, and human.  The only species I had any data on was human.  Then I figured it out.

“McDougal,” I hissed.  “Make it target all but humans.”

I typed into my console: ‘target=all,-not-ID-00000000000000.’  I then copied the quad strand of my DNA that I had on my omnitool onto the terminal.

“Time’s up,” the instructor said.  “Who’s finished?”

“Nearly, sir,” Cat said, typing frantically into her keyboard.  “I just need to finish asari, krogan and vorcha.”

“Fingers off the keypad, ginger,” the instructor said.  Cat sighed and lifted her fingers.  “So, who finished?”

I raised my hand.  “I think I did, sir,” I said.

“Shepard, you are such a liar,” Cat snapped.  “She’s hopeless at programming, sir,” she said to the instructor.  “The first time she tried to program a mech, it exploded.”

I scowled at her, but otherwise ignored her.  “I’m done,” I said.  “This gun will only target non-humans.”

The instructor looked over my shoulder at my program.  “Hm,” he murmured.  “You took my instructions and turned them on their head.  Let me see what you have, red.”

I had no idea if this meant I had done well or not.  He moved around the room, looking at the others’ programs.  When he reached the final person he said, “It seems the blue eyed Chinese midget is the only one who passed this session.  What’s your name, girl?”

“Who, me?” I asked in surprise.  He nodded impatiently.  “Uh, Junior Recruit Jane Shepard, sir.”

“She actually read between the lines of my lesson and programmed her gun to program all creatures but humans,” he said.  “Kudos to you Shepard, but this is not a perfect score for you.  Did you consider that this gun of yours will target animals?”

“Oh,” I said.  “Uh, I hadn’t considered this, sir.”

“This is why it is useful to have copies of all species’ genetic quad strands on your omnitool and to have the structures of ID numbers memorised,” he went on.  “Nonetheless, good work, Junior Recruit.”

“Thank you, sir,” I said, ignoring the glares I was receiving.

 .....

Somehow, my good work continued into my other three classes.  In explosives I was the only one to build a detonator that worked.  In heavy weapons I was able to rebuild a missile launcher from the plans we had been provided.  In specialised weapons I managed to mostly hit the target with my defence turret.

“How are you doing it?” Cat asked as we memorised the structure of the different classes of explosives in our broom cupboard during quiet hour.

“Doing what?” I asked absently.

“Coming top in everything?” she snapped.  “You’re usually only average at Del Sol.”

“My dad trained me in weapons since I was six,” I said idly.  “I guess I’m just luckier than most.”

“This isn’t luck, Shepard, this is something else,” Cat mumbled.  “And I’m going to find out what it is.”

“Good luck to you then,” I said boredly.

 .....

My luck continued to hold.  By the end of my first three weeks at Luna Base, I was the top weapon’s specialist trainee there and all the trainers were raving about my abilities.  Cat (unsurprisingly) was unimpressed.

“You’re up to something, Shepard,” she said on the night before we were due back at Del Sol for our turn in the roundrobin. 

“Of course you are right,” I said, rolling my eyes.  “My overachievement here is all a ploy to let in the Overlord, so that it can overthrow the Alliance and turn us all into the slaves of synthetics.”

Cat shuddered.  “Don’t joke about things like that,” she said nervously.

Every organic was scared of the Overlord.  Of course, the Overlord didn’t actually exist, but was a term used to refer to all intelligences that were not organic (i.e., artificial intelligences and virtual intelligences).  Ever since the geth (the artificial intelligences used by the quarians) had risen up and overthrown the quarians four hundred years ago, the Council had banned the use of artificial intelligences of any kind.  Of course, since virtual intelligences were needed for most of our day-to-day functioning, they were still allowed, but everyone feared the moment when virtual intelligences learned to adapt their own core programming to gain true intelligence, as they would then be powerful enough to control us.

 .....

We left for Seattle early the next morning.  Cat was still sulking because I was outperforming her, so the journey was pretty quiet.  We met the rest of the pod at the spaceport. 

“Hey,” Ash said, giving me a hug.  “How was Luna?”

“Not bad,” I said.  “I seem to have a knack for weapons’ specialisation.  I can program a gun to do just about anything including make a cup of tea, build grade three explosives and use a defensive turret.  How was life on the Hobbes?”

“A bit of a lark actually,” Ash said.  “Tobrin somehow managed to overload the plasma venting system, so a bunch of eezo plasma was vented onto the engineering deck.”

“Wait, what?” I asked, distracted.  “How the hell did he do that?”

She shrugged.  “Luckily no one was on the deck at the time, so no real damage was done.  Still, they’ve put us on a regimen of vitamins and vaccinations to prevent eezo poisoning and Luckhoff’s Syndrome.”

“Sounds like fun,” I said.

Luckhoff’s syndrome was a terrible disease that was rumoured to have been brought to humanity by the turians.  It was not contagious and no one knew what actually caused it.  It was basically a flesh-eating disorder, a kind of bacteria that ate away at the skin, the eyes and the hair.  Death was not caused by the illness itself, but rather from bleeding out.  Once a person had it, there was no cure.  It was this disease that had killed Ash’s mother. 

“Seen Kaidan?” Ash asked.

“No,” I said.  “I don’t think the shuttle from Grissom Academy is back yet.”

It arrived five minutes later and Kaidan stalked out, looking like he was in a towering temper.  “Hey,” he mumbled when he saw us. 

“Oh Kaidan, how we have missed your smile,” Ash sighed theatrically.  “How are things going?”

“Terrible,” Kaidan snapped.  “I hate that fucking place.  I don’t ever want to go back.”

“Uh huh,” I said.  “Let’s get on the shuttle before it leaves us behind.”

We climbed aboard.  “So, tell us why you hate that fucking place and don’t ever want to go back?” I said.

“Well, for starters most of the kids there are biotics like me,” he said.  “But they all feel like I’ve betrayed them or something, because I joined the marines instead of Biotics Division.  Next, the trainers are all complete fucking assholes.  When I do a hack, they give me zero, even if the hack is correct because I didn’t show them how I got to the hack.  How am I supposed to do that?  I look at a code I have to break, and I just see a way to break it.  I can’t show how I got there.  So, now I’m bottom of the class.”

“That’s a first,” Ash said.  “You don’t usually come bottom of anything, Kaidan.”

“Yeah, thanks for the reminder, Ash,” Kaidan snapped.

“You’re just going to have to study the different ways to come up with codes and then apply them,” I said.

“Wonderful,” Kaidan mumbled.  “So, Perfectionists, are we ready to kick everyone in the ass and win this competition?”

“Yup,” I said.  “Sixteen hundred credits is riding on this.”

..... 

“Welcome, Team Zorax, Perfectionists, The Hot Ones, Asian Fusion, to the roundrobin,” Admiral Greyling said.  “This competition is set to test the skills you have been taught under real-life situations.  There are seven tests that will take place across the next seven days, starting from tomorrow.  Day one will be testing your fitness, day two will be testing your technical abilities, day three will be testing your adaptability, communication skills and body strength, day four will be testing your knowledge of explosives, day five will be testing your recon abilities, day six will be testing how quickly you can adjust to new situations, and day seven will be testing your combat abilities.  Now, a few ground rules.  Once I dismiss you here, there may be absolutely no contact between the teams.  You will each be assigned a pod bunker where you will remain when you are not competing.  Any attempt to sabotage your opponents in any way will lead to immediate disqualification, as will the use of any special abilities such as biotics.”

“That was directed at me,” Kaidan mumbled gloomily.

“At the beginning of each challenge, before the challenge has been explained, each team will elect someone to take point, who they feel is best suited to lead during this challenge,” Admiral Greyling continued.  “Once the challenge has started, you will be assessed on how you complete the challenge under a number of criteria, for instance speed, precision and the like.  Are there any questions?”  There were none, so he said, “Very well, then building assignments are as followed: Perfectionists will be in Pod 1, Asian Fusion will be in Pod 2, Team Zorax will be in Pod 3, and The Hot Ones will be in Pod 4.  The first challenge will be at nine o’clock tomorrow morning.  Your aides will fetch you from your pod at eight thirty sharp, where you will tell him or her who will be taking point. From now on there may be no contact between teams. Dismissed.”

We got up and made our way to our new home.

“So, this is Pod 1,” Ash said, looking around the junior dorm.  “It looks alarmingly like Pod 3.”

“’All those living under the Alliance’s banner is equal in the eyes of the law’,” Kaidan quoted.  “How are we feeling about the tournament?”

“I’m nervous,” I said.  There was a knock on the door and Mzu popped his head around.

“Perfectionists,” he said.  “Shepard, I just came to wish you luck and remind you of our little bet.”

“Thank you, Thembani, but I’m hardly going to forget it,” I said.  “And don’t worry, we will win this thing.  We’re the perfectionists for a reason.”

He laughed.  “Maybe all that hot air will make you float to the top of the board, Shepard, because there’s no other way you can beat the current leading score,” he said.  “Good night.”  He left.

.....

I was woken up at seven o’clock the next morning by Gcina.  “What the hell are you doing here?” I asked in surprise.

“I’m your team’s aide,” he said, kissing me on the forehead and moving on to wake Kaidan who gave a loud yell. 

“The fuck?” he asked in a more normal tone.

“I get paid a thousand credits a day,” Gcina said.  “I had to sign a form where I swore not to tell anyone what happened here and that I wouldn’t ever join the Special Forces.”

“Seems like a sweet deal,” I said.  “And a thousand credits a day is no joke.”

“So, anyway, breakfast is on the table,” he said.  “At eight thirty I need you guys to tell me who’s taking point, and I’ll then take you to the location of the first challenge.”

“Got it,” I said, getting up.

“Ok, quick check in,” Ash said as we dressed.  “How are we feeling?”

“Fine,” Kaidan said shrugging.  “Raring to go actually.”

“Janey?” Ash asked.

“Nervous as all hell, thanks for asking,” I mumbled.  “How about you, Ash?”

“I’m quite nervous too, but maybe that’s just because I don’t have a mutilated frontal lobe,” she said, giving Kaidan a look.

“Watch it,” Kaidan said warningly.

After breakfast, Gcina led us to the running field.  “Good thing we picked Kaidan to take point here,” I said as we put on our PT kit.  “Hopefully it’s nothing too strenuous.”

“Jane, where exactly do you think we are?” Kaidan asked.

“Eden Prime,” I said.  “No, wait, this is hell, isn’t it?”

We walked onto the training field.  “The fuck?” Ash mumbled. 

The field looked as though it had been hit by several bombs and was mostly shrouded in smoke.  “And here comes Perfectionists, led by their team captain, Junior Recruit Kaidan ‘Charles Manson’ Alenko,” a disembodied voice announced.  It sounded like Mzu.  “Also on the team are Ashley ‘Barbie’ Williams and Jane ‘Ken’ Shepard.  An interesting note, both Shepard and Alenko have won competitions this season, so we are expecting great things from this group.”

“Ugh,” I mumbled.

“Gather round,” Admiral Greyling said.  We joined the other teams in a huddle around him.  “So, this will be a three-leg relay race, four hundred metres per leg.  However, this will not be nearly as simple as it sounds.”

“Of course it won’t,” Ash muttered in my ear.  “Why should it be simple?”

“One day they will announce that we have to do something like ‘put that rifle together’ then say ‘this is as simple as it sounds’ just to see our faces,” I whispered.

“The centre of the field will be mortared and the seniors will be standing at the outer ring and shooting at you,” Admiral Greyling went on.  “Stick to the track and you won’t die.  Maintain your pace and you won’t be shot.  Now, team captains choose the order you’ll be running in.”

“I’ll run anchor,” Kaidan said at once.

“Yeah, no kidding,” Ash mumbled.  “I’m better at long distance.”

“I have asthma,” I blurted out.

“Yeah, we know,” Kaidan said.  “They won’t be shooting real bullets at us, that’s just ridiculous.  It’ll be blanks.  Jane, run second leg.  Ashley, you start us off.”

“Are you sure?” I asked.  “I mean, Ash isn’t that fast.”

“Which is why you run second to catch us up,” Kaidan said.

“Are you ready?” Admiral Greyling called.

“Let’s do it,” Kaidan said.  “Oh, Jane?  Don’t forget to pace yourself.”

“Yeah, thanks Coach Alenko,” I said sarcastically.

I stood on the side-lines next to the others that were running second whilst the starters took their positions.  “On your marks,” Admiral Greyling shouted.  “Get set.”  He fired the starting pistol.

“And their off,” Mzu shouted over the barrage that started.  The ground beneath my feet rumbled as I moved into my lane.  “We have Kim of Asian Fusion in the lead, followed by Fredrich of Team Zorax, closely followed by Mahlberg of The Hot Ones and Williams of The Perfectionists.  And Mahlberg passes Fredrich, who puts on a spurt of speed.”  It was the most bizarre thing ever, the sound of mortars and rifles along with exciting sport commentating.  “And now the final one hundred,” Mzu commentated.  I saw Ash emerging through the smoke and I prepared to start running.  “And Mahlberg passes to McDougal, Kim passes to Khan, Fredrich passes to Jones, and Williams passes to Shepard.”

Ash slapped the baton into my hand and I sprint off.  The race was even more dangerous for me than the others, as I weighed at least twenty pounds less than the lightest of the others.  I was in grave danger of being blown off my feet by the mortar bombs. 

“And we have The Hot Ones in the lead, closely followed by Khan, Jones and Shepard,” Mzu continued.  “And Shepard passes Jones, putting on a great burst of speed.  The gap between Khan and Shepard is closing.  Will she catch up to him?  She has, and she puts Perfectionists into second place.  McDougal passes to Sonier, Shepard passes to Alenko, Khan passes to Chokovic, and running bravely in the rear we have Jones who passes to Tobrin.”

I moved to the side of the track as Kaidan ran off.  “Good going,” Gcina said, coming up to me.

“Thanks,” I panted.

“And coming onto the final stretch, we have Sonier in the lead, Alenko, Chokovic and Tobrin,” Mzu bellowed excitedly.  “Oh, and Alenko stretches his legs and picks up the pace.  Look at that boy go.  The gap between Alenko and Sonier is closing and…oh my God, I don’t believe it, Alenko passes Sonier, and he’s over the line.  So, it finishes with Perfectionists winning, followed by The Hot Ones, Asian Fusion, and finishing valiantly in fourth place, Team Zorax.”

Ash jumped into Kaidan’s arms and I joined the group hug. 

..... 

We spent the rest of the day being bored.  “Do you want to play Skyllian Five?” Kaidan asked after lunch.

“Never played,” I said from my bed where I was busy rereading _Moonshine_ , my favourite book of all time.

“It isn’t that difficult,” Kaidan said.  “We need someone to play banker.”

At that moment my boyfriend stuck his head around the door.  “Can I join you guys?” he asked.

“Do you want to be our banker in Skyllian Five?” Kaidan asked.

“Uh, ok,” Gcina said.  “Does that mean I get to keep the credits?”

“No chance,” Kaidan said coldly.

“Ok then,” Gcina said, shrugging.

Kaidan explained the rules and Gcina dealt the cards.  After the third round Ash and I both owed Kaidan six thousand credits.  “Damn it, how are you so good at this?” Ash asked.

“Skyllian Five is like the national sport in the poor side of Seattle,” Kaidan said.  “This twelve thousand credits will buy food for my family for the next six months though, so thanks for saving the Alenko family from starvation.”

“I need a smoke,” Ash said, getting up.  “I’ll be bahck.”

“You guys were amazing today though,” Gcina said.  “Especially you, Kaidan.”

“We did our best,” Kaidan said coldly.  “I spent my entire life running, so it isn’t really surprising.”

“Am I meant to feel sorry for you?” Gcina snapped.  Oh dear God.

“So you and Jane have been together for a while now?” Kaidan asked his tone icy.

“Four months now,” Gcina said.  “At least my girlfriend isn’t a hoe.”

“Clearly,” Kaidan said.  “I mean, it’s been four months and you two still haven’t consummated the relationship yet.”

“Oh because you consummate your relationships on the first night,” Gcina said.  “At least I respect the woman I’m with.”

“If I was with Jane, I’d respect her,” Kaidan said.

“Ok, enough,” I shouted.  They both turned to stare at me.  “For Christ’s sake,” I said more quietly.  “You’re both important to me.  Kaidan, you’re my best friend.  Gcina, you’re my boyfriend.  I want you both to be in my life.”

“Jane, this guy’s an asshole,” Gcina protested.  “How can you need him in your life?”

“I know he’s a bit rude, but I still care about him,” I said.  “Now, I need you both to get on, at least for me.  Do you get it?”

Kaidan sighed.  “I can do that,” he said.

“Fine,” Gcina snapped.

Ash came in at that moment.  “Jeez, it’s hot out there,” she said.  She noticed the atmosphere in the room.  “What did I miss?”

“I need to smoke,” I said, getting up.  “Stay here.”

I went and stood on the veranda and lit up.  I knew that when I was younger I used to dream of some handsome, unknown, tall, dark and handsome prince coming by and sweeping me off my feet, but now that I had two of them, I found it to be quite exhausting.  It was a few months since Ash had advised me to choose between Gcina and Kaidan, but I still hadn’t been able.  I suppose that a part of me enjoyed having two men interested in me and was unwilling to let them go.  I thought back on the previous conversation, about how Kaidan had agreed to get on with Gcina, whereas Gcina had sounded as though it was some sort of obligation.

“Hey,” Ash said from behind me.  “You ok?”

“No,” I said.  “I’ve made my choice,” I explained at her quizzical expression. 

“With regards to who to be with?” she asked.  I nodded.

“In most respects Gcina would be a better boyfriend than Kaidan,” I said.  “He’s kind, caring, sensitive.  But Kaidan, well, he’s been there for me when I’ve needed him, and I know he’d do anything for me.  And it’s getting harder and harder for me to have a relationship with someone who doesn’t understand what happens here.”

“So, what’re you going to do?” Ash asked. 

I shrugged.  “I guess I’m going to break up with Gcina,” I said.  I felt sad just saying that.  “Not now though, I want to be completely focused on the competition.  I really want to win it, and I think we have a good chance.”

Ash threw her arms around me.  “I love you so much,” she said.

“Ash, calm down, all I’ve done is decide to break up with my boyfriend,” I said uncomfortably.

“I know,” she said, stepping back.  “Just remember, it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.”

“Thanks, Yoda,” I said.  “Ugh, I feel bad about this.”

“I know,” she said.  “You’ll get over it.  And so will he.”

..... 

“Kaidan’s not allowed to take part in this round,” Gcina announced the next morning when we sat down for breakfast.

“What?” Ash asked.  “Kaidan’s taking point again.  Why can’t we have him?”

He shrugged.  “Admiral Greyling said you can have him as a technical expert over your omnitool, but he’s not allowed to see the task you’re going to perform,” he said.

“So it’s a hack then,” Kaidan said.  “That’s the only technical skill where I have a discernible advantage over the rest of you.”

“Great,” Ash mumbled.  “Jane and I aren’t the greatest hackers in the world.”

.....

“The rules are that you have ten minutes to hack this code,” Admiral Greyling announced as we sat down in front of our terminals, which read a long binary code.  “You will only be given one attempt to hack it.  Good luck.”

“Short sweet and to the point,” I mumbled.  “Alright, break break break, anyone on this frequency?”

“I hear you, Jane,” Kaidan said.  “Tell me what we have.”

“A bunch of binary codes,” I said.

“That’s helpful,” Kaidan said.  “I need something more than that.”

“I’ll read them out to you,” Ash said.  She read the codes out.

“Ugh, I really need to be able to see the codes,” Kaidan groaned.

“Hold it,” I said.  I read the codes.  “They’re numbers,” I said.

“Numbers?” Ash asked.

“Yeah,” I said.  “The first part of the code is twenty numbers.”

“How do you know that?” Kaidan asked.

“Jason speaks binary and he tried to teach me and Jean,” I said.  “This is the only lesson that stuck.”

“Ok, so what do we know that has twenty numbers?” Ash asked.

“Bank account numbers have twenty digits,” Kaidan said.

“Also vorcha identity codes,” I said.  Ash stared at me.  “One of the many things we get taught at Luna Base,” I said, shrugging.

“Ok, but the second part of the code is definitely letters,” Kaidan said.  “Can you read them out again?”

Ash read the code out for him.  “Conatex Corporation,” Kaidan said.  “That’s a bank, isn’t it?”

“Ja, I have an account with them,” Ash said.

“Ok, so this is a bank account we need to hack into,” I said.  “What kind of security does Conatex have?”

“Eight digit security code to access the account that changes every two seconds,” Ash said.  “The new codes are sent to your omnitool.”

“I don’t think I have any hacks that work that quickly,” Kaidan said.  “Besides, we don’t know who the account belongs to.”

“Is that important?” I asked.

“Well, yeah, if we want to get into the account,” Kaidan said.

“Ok, well, if someone can get me into the administrator, I can reprogram the timer to count down to two hundred seconds instead of two seconds,” I said.  “The server VI may pick up on it, but will probably think it’s a virus, and scrub it. Most antivirus programs take five minutes to run.”

“I can get you in,” Kaidan said.  “First run the account number in a search engine to find out who the account belongs to.”

Ash did so.  “Got it,” she said.  “Commander David Anderson.”

“Well, why not?” I mumbled.

“Ok, Jane, I’m going to walk you through it,” Kaidan said.  “Press Alt and fourth function and type this code into the ribbon.”

I followed his instructions and got into the server.  I quickly reprogrammed the timer, praying that the account’s programming was similar to a GARDIAN gun.  “Ok, we have three minutes,” I said.  “Five minutes on the clock.”

“Ok, I’ve rewritten one of my hacking codes,” Kaidan said.  “From what you described it should break through Commander Anderson’s passcode.  Who of you can type the fastest?  It’s a long code.”

“Jane,” Ash said.

I took a deep breath.  “Hit me, Kaidan,” I said.

He read the code out at top speed and my fingers flew across the keyboard.  “Hit enter,” he panted at the end of the code.  We had ten seconds before the timer ran out.

I slammed my finger down on enter.  There was a horrible pause whilst the computer seemed to consider the code, then the screen flashed green.  “We’re in,” I shouted as a loud bell rang across the room and the other teams looked up.

Admiral Greyling came across the room to look at our screen.  “Well, it looks like we have a winner,” he said.  “Even shy one team member, Perfectionists managed to break the code and hack the account.  The rest of you, continue please.”

He quickly closed the account, but not before I got a glimpse of a fifteen digit number.  “You two are excused,” he said.

We got up quickly and left the room.  Kaidan was waiting for us just outside the door.  He threw his arms around both of us.  “Unbelievable you guys,” he said.  “See?  I can apply theory if I need to.”

..... 

The next day we were told to change into our body armour then taken to the climbing wall.  “I thought we needed to show adaptability and communication skills,” I said, confused.  “And, er, body strength somehow.  Why are we here?”

“Team leaders, gather round,” Admiral Greyling said.  After a long debate, we had agreed that I should take point on this challenge.  I made my way to where he was standing.

“Alright, as you already know, this challenge has three parts: communication skills, adaptability and body strength,” he said to us.  “Now the basic principle is simple: carry this battery all the way to the top of the climbing wall, up the backward slant, and to the buzzer at the top of the slope.  One person will be the climber, the second the bee-layer, and the third the communicator.  Now, the climber will be blindfolded and the bee-layer will be both blindfolded and gagged.  Thus, the success or failure of this challenge is how well the communicator relays directions and how much the other two team members trust the communicator.  This challenge is untimed, and ends when your climber hits the buzzer.  Pick your team well.”

I collected the battery (which weighed close to fifty kilograms), blindfolds and gag and went back to where Ash and Kaidan were waiting for me.  “Ok, this is going to be difficult,” I said.  “Basically, Kaidan will be bee-layer, Ash will be climber.  You need to have this battery on your back, Ash, and you need to hit the buzzer up there,” I pointed at the top of the forty degree slope at the top of the climbing wall, “to finish the challenge.  Oh, and you’ll both be blindfolded and Kaidan will be gagged.”

“What?” Ash asked.  “You want me to climb that blindfolded.”

“I’ll walk you through it from here,” I said.  “You need to trust me.”

“First up, we have Asian Fusion,” Admiral Greyling announced.  “All climbers and bee-layers, put on your blindfolds and gags.”

I helped them put their helmets back on over their restraints.  Asian Fusion did relatively well, finishing in fifteen minutes and five seconds.  The Hot Ones finished in ten minutes and fifty seconds, then it was our turn.

“Trust me,” I said as we waited for starters orders.

 .....

“I can’t believe that worked,” Ash said as we watched Team Zorax finish the round.

I had, somewhat unconventionally sent Ash on a diagonal up the wall, which at first seemed like a terrible idea, but somehow got her fairly quickly to the top.  It also helped that she hadn’t stopped to question me every five seconds, as the other teams had.

“You did well,” I said.  “Both of you.”

“Yeah, we’ll see in a bit,” Kaidan mumbled.

Team Zorax finished in fifteen minutes and forty five seconds, putting us firmly in the lead. 

“Well, Thembani, it looks like I won’t be paying you after all,” I said to Mzu as we passed him on our way back to Pod 1.

“We’ll see, Shepard,” he said.  “We shall see.

 .....

“I’m so sorry you guys,” I said the next afternoon.  Ash was sitting with her face in her hands.  Kaidan lay on his bunk with his back to us.

We had just lost our first challenge.  We had been given a bomb and told that we had five minutes until it exploded.  Cocky in my successes at Luna Base, I had insisted that I knew what I was doing, until I realised I had not a clue how to circumvent the bomb.  Kaidan had taken over, but by that time the damage had been done and The Hot Ones won.

“Look, we came second,” I said.  “We’re still top of the board, we’re just not as comfortably top as we were.  If we win the rest of the challenges, we’re fine.”

 .....

We lost the next two challenges.  To be fair, none of us were brilliant at reconnaissance, which had been the focus of the fifth challenge.  We were in a simulator and we managed to sneak up pretty well on the enemy (obviously it was a squad of batarians), and we accurately mapped all but one of them.  This put us once again in second place underneath The Hot Ones.

The sixth challenge was a bit of a farce.  We had to do the obstacle course, but we had to do it roped to our team members.  The Hot Ones went first and Cat roped herself to be first.  It made sense to me.  She was the nimblest and would be able to scout the safest way through the pool and up the web.  Unfortunately, they hadn’t thought it through carefully enough because, when they reached the zip slide, Sven’s (who was at the back) gravitational pull was far larger than Pierre or Cat’s and sent him crashing into them.  They both let go of their bars.  Luckily Sven kept a hold of his, or they almost certainly would’ve died.

Learning from the mistakes of our predecessors, we roped ourselves so that Kaidan went first and I went last.  We made good time and finished the course in three and a half minutes, putting us ahead of The Hot Ones.  At that moment we were all blindsided by Team Zorax, who examining both of our predicaments, roped themselves so that their lightest team member (Zac) could clear the way, then went backwards down the zip slide so that Bridget was leading.  They finished top of the challenge and were so surprised that they all started screaming.  This left us tied for first place with The Hot Ones.

“Listen guys, I know we’re frustrated, but we’re still in this,” I said.  “Tomorrow’s challenge is combat, which we’re all excellent at.  We just need to keep our heads in the game.”

“I can’t believe those damn nerds beat us,” Kaidan groaned.

“Nerds will take over the galaxy one day,” Gcina said knowledgably.

“Oh good, I’ll notify the Alliance that they’re on the wrong track with the batarians,” Ash said irritably.

“They are on the wrong track with the batarians,” I pointed out.

“I know, somehow that makes it worse,” Ash mumbled.

“Look, are we prepared for the fact that even if we come top in the pod, we might not win the competition?” Kaidan asked.

“Well, we are now,” I said.  “We have three hundred and ninety points.  That seems pretty respectable.  We will win this.”

“What makes you so certain?” Ash asked.

“I said it will happen, so now it will happen,” I said.

 .....

“So, this is the final round of the roundrobin for Pod 3,” Admiral Greyling said.  “Currently the points stand as follows: tied for first place are The Hot Ones and Perfectionists with three hundred and ninety points.  In third place is Asian Fusion with three hundred and twenty points, and in fourth place is Team Zorax with two hundred and sixty seven points.  The final round is a combat round.  Inside the gymnasium is a combat situation that you need to get through.  The round ends when one of your team mates hits the buzzer, but it will only count if the entire team is over the line.  You may use whatever weapons you have with you, but no biotics.”

“Goddamnit,” Kaidan mumbled.

“Team Zorax, you are up first,” Admiral Greyling said.  “Good luck to you all.”

Fifteen minutes later it was our turn.  We were the last team to go through.  We walked into the gymnasium, which had crates, boxes, barrels and gym equipment scattered all around it.  A beeper sounded and the first of the mechs made an appearance.

No doubt they were the mechs that we had spent most of our tech classes building.  Some of them looked somewhat suspect.  “Scatter and take cover,” I bellowed, diving behind a barrel.  “Ash, move up and cover my three.  Kaidan, cover my nine.”

I shot a few rounds from my rifle at the mechs, blowing two of them up and knocking three more down from the explosion.  “Go for head shots,” I said.  “They explode.”

This went on for a minute, which was when I realised the tide would not let up.  I took a grenade from my BOL and pulled the pin out.  “Fire in the hold,” I shouted, tossing it at the group of mechs ahead of Ash.  They exploded in a lovely chain reaction.  “Ash, get to the line, we’ll cover you,” I ordered, rolling into a cover to my right so that I could better cover her.

“Done,” she shouted a while later.

“Kaidan,” I began. 

“Gotcha,” he called.

I waited until he told me he was over the line before vaulting my cover and sprinting towards the line.  “Hit the buzzer,” I shouted as I leapt over the line and Ash slammed her hand onto the buzzer.

 .....

“Well, it has been a very dramatic competition, but the points stand as follows,” Admiral Greyling announced.  We were gathered in the Annexe in our utility uniforms.  “Finishing at a respectable fourth place we have Team Zorax with three hundred and ten points.  In third place is Asian Fusion with three hundred and ninety eight points.  In second place we have The Hot Ones with four hundred and twenty points, and in first place is Perfectionists with four hundred and fifty points.”

All three of us started cheering at exactly the same time and threw our arms around each other.

“Show offs,” I heard Cat mutter, but I didn’t care.  For once, it felt good to win.


	13. Chapter twelve: May to July: finishing our first year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Academy is plunged into exam fever, and Kaidan discovers something that points to the identity of the traitor in the Alliance.

“It’s been an interesting competition,” Admiral Greyling said.  The roundrobin was over and we had all returned from our various places around the Sol System.  The entire academy and its staff were gathered in the command hall.  “I must say, I am very impressed by the high standard of work that I have seen throughout the competition.  I am very proud to know that in little over a year you will all be graduating this academy to become full-fledged marines.  Now, our top three teams are as follows: from Pod 3 with four hundred and twenty points we have The Hot Ones.”

The hall erupted in cheers.  Kaidan, Ash and I exchanged excited glances.  If The Hot Ones had come third, that meant that we were in the top two.

“In second place, from Pod 2, with four hundred and thirty five points, is The Rejects,” Admiral Greyling continued once the noise had died down.  Loud cheers from Pod 2.  “And in first place, with a record-breaking four hundred and fifty points, Pod 3’s Perfectionists.”

It was the first time ever that Pod 3 had won the roundrobin.  Kaidan and Ash lifted me onto their shoulders (probably because I’m the shortest and lightest) and walked to the platform to get a certificate and our shore leave passes.

..... 

After the assembly had been dismissed, Nina called all of Pod 3 into the rec room.  “Now, as you all know, this is a proud day for Pod 3,” she said, once we had settled down.  “Never before, in the history of the academy, has a Pod 3 team won the roundrobin.  I just wanted to say, and I’m sure I speak for Thembani and Giovanni here too, that I am so proud of all twelve of you, but particularly to the four that have won competitions in this year: Alenko, McDougal, Shepard, and Williams.  You have upheld the name of this pod.  We are all proud to have been your seniors, and as you have given us a chance for the five, we will try our hardest to win it, even though there are only three of us left to take part in the mastery competition.”  She appeared to become choked with emotion.  “Keep up the hard work in the exams,” she said once she had regained her composure.  “Who’s like us?”

We all saluted her back.  “Damn few,” we chorused with unnatural enthusiasm.  “And they’re all dead.”

“That’s what I like to hear,” Nina said.  “Dismissed.”

“They have no chance of winning us the five,” Kaidan murmured.  The five referred to the five competitions that took place at the academy throughout the year.  It was extremely rare for a pod to win the five and was therefore a much coveted honour.

“No way,” I agreed.  “They all suck balls.”

.....

Our shore leave was the next day.  We were given twenty four hours, from six AM until six AM.  “What shall we do?” Ash asked during our quiet hour.

“Well, I don’t know about you ladies, but I plan on not sleeping,” Kaidan said.  “I also want to visit my family, make sure the apartment hasn’t been foreclosed or anything.”

“I need to visit Gcina,” I said, pulling a face.  That was a conversation I was not looking forward to.

“Maybe I should check in with my sisters,” Ash mused.

We looked at each other.  “Will we have enough time for leave?” Kaidan asked.

“Twenty four hours is a long time, Alenko,” I said.  “A lot can be accomplished.”

.....

It was a great feeling to board the shuttle, knowing that our fellow grunts were hard at work, training for the final exams which were coming up.  We ran into Mzu as we were about to leave.

“So, I guess I won’t be buying my girlfriend that pretty bracelet I saw during December week,” he said.

“Well, you could still,” I said.  “Just not with my money.”  I held my hand out.  “No hard feelings, Thembani?”

“Heck no,” he said.  “You guys put on a helluva show.  You did the pod proud, even though I’d never tell Nina that.”  He shook my hand.  “Have fun out there.  Try not to get too drunk.”

.....

I drove the shuttle.  I’d quickly gotten the hang of flying, although I had crashed quite often in my first few lessons with Lieutenant Morreau.

“So, first stop?” I asked.

“How about breakfast,” Kaidan suggested.

“We just had breakfast, Kaidan,” Ash said in a pained voice.

“That doesn’t count as breakfast,” Kaidan said.  “There’s a great waffle place that I know.”

“Canadians and their waffles,” I mumbled.

“Watch it, nuclear war instigator,” Kaidan said warningly.

“Ouch,” I said in mock pain.  “That hurt so badly.”  Ash rolled her eyes.

I had an egg-free blueberry waffle, which, according to Ash, did not taste nearly as good as the real eggy-loaded deal.  After breakfast, we walked around Seattle, drinking in the sights.  The city was a lot fuller than it had been since we were there last, and we heard a lot of people from Skyllia were being evacuated there.

“You know, after December week, I think we’ve seen all there is to see in this city,” Ash said.

“You have,” Kaidan said.  “It’s a really dull place.”

“And to think this city is the seat of human power,” I said.  “It says a lot about humans in general.”

..... 

I was meeting Gcina for lunch at his flat, which was way across town from where we were.  Ash and Kaidan waited with me at the bus stop.  “Have fun with your boyfriend,” Kaidan said bleakly as the bus flew in.

“Yeah, thanks, it’s bound to be a wonderful visit,” I mumbled.

Ash hugged me.  “Good luck,” she said.  I nodded and climbed onto the bus.

I sat right at the back of the bus, away from the commuters.  At the next stop an old man climbed aboard.  He looked around for a place to sit, spotted and me and took the seat next to me.

“Soldier,” he said, nodding at me.

“Sir,” I said politely in return and went back to gazing at the Seattle skyline.

“I’m going to blow up the Alliance Buildings,” he said conversationally.  The Alliance Buildings were the houses of parliament.

“I beg your pardon?” I asked, hoping I’d heard wrong.

“I have explosive devices in my bag which I’m going to use to blow up the Alliance Buildings,” he said.

He didn’t have a bag.  Just my luck to be travelling with a nutjob.  “Right,” I said.  “Why are you going to blow up the Alliance Buildings?”

“To make a statement,” he said.  “The Alliance is wrong.”

“Uh huh,” I said noncommittally.  “Wrong about what?”

“You’re a soldier, you’ve seen what’s happening on Skyllia,” he said.  “Whole towns burnt to the ground, people butchered in the streets.”

“Actually, I’m a recruit,” I said.  “I haven’t seen any live combat yet.”

The look he gave me was beyond scathing, it was contemptuous.  “My daughter, her husband and their children were all in Paz Nuevo,” he said.  “The batarians attacked it and for a while it seemed that the Alliance was holding it.  Then I received word that the city had fallen and that my daughter and her family were dead.”

“I’m sorry for your loss,” I murmured after a pause.

“How can you sit there and wear that uniform, knowing the kinds of horror that is being inflicted because of the people you serve?” he asked me, tears in his eyes.

I didn’t know how to answer that, so I gave the stock answer that all soldiers when confronted with this sort of situation.

“I have to trust that our leaders are doing the right thing,” I said.  “Otherwise I’m nothing more than a gun-for-hire in fancy dress.”

“But isn’t that what you are?” he asked quietly.

Well, no argument there.  “You can’t blow up the Alliance Buildings,” I said instead.  “They’ll just blame it on another group of aliens, the turians maybe, or the asari, and we’ll have another war on our hands.  Or they’ll say the batarians are now targeting our homeworld and prolong the war.”

“Anything to stop people from realising how fragile the Alliance really is,” he said.

“Something like that,” I said.  We came to my stop and I got up.  “I just want you to know that I personally don’t agree with the war with the batarians,” I said.

He looked at me for a long time.  “Then why are you fighting?” he asked.

.....

Something delicious was cooking at Gcina’s apartment when I got there.  “Nice apron,” I said when he opened the door.  It had a picture of the Rocky Horror lips and a caption that said ‘Kiss the chef’.

“Thanks,” he said.  “So will you do it?”

“What?” I asked, stepping over the threshold.

“Kiss the chef,” he said.

I sighed.  “We need to talk, Gcina,” I said.

“Yeah,” he said.  “I guess we do.”                    

I sat down at the table whilst he made us a cup of tea.  “Ok,” he said, taking a deep breath.  “Hit me with your worst shot.”

I half-smiled.  “The last few months have been great,” I started, not quite sure where I was going with this.  “Honestly, as a first boyfriend, you have been awesome.  It’s just that-,”

“Yup, I thought this was going to happen at some point,” he mumbled.  “It’s the long-distance thing, isn’t it?”

“Sure, it’s the long-distance thing,” I said.  “But there’s more to it.  I’m not sure how to explain it.  It’s like I have this one life which is over there in Del Sol.  It’s something I don’t really like talking about, and it’s something I have to switch off when I’m around you.  And I’m not sure I have the energy anymore to be two people.  I’m too tired most of the time.  I’m sorry.”

He smiled ruefully.  “My friends thought I was nuts to be dating you,” he said.  “They all told me that nothing good ever comes from dating a soldier.”

“They were right,” I said.  “You should have listened to them.”

He shook his head.  “No, they were wrong,” he said.  “It was difficult, but I have no regrets whatsoever.”

I got up.  “I should go,” I said huskily.  “Thank you for, well, everything.”

He got up and kissed me softly on the cheek.  “No, thank you, Jane,” he said.  “Don’t be a stranger, ok?”

“Same to you,” I said.

There was an ice-cream vendor outside his apartment block.  “Ice-cream?” it said hopefully.

“Sure,” I said.  “Why the hell not?  Chocolate.  Make it egg-free.”

“One egg-free chocolate ice-cream coming up,” it said.  “That will be nine hundred and ninety nine thousand nine hundred and ninety nine credits.”

“A million credits for an ice-cream?” I asked.  “It’d better be good.”

“It’s the best,” the vendor promised.

..... 

I met Kaidan and Ash for dinner at an Italian restaurant called Francesco’s.  “Well?” Ash asked. 

“I broke up with him,” I said.

“You broke up with him?” Kaidan echoed, sounding surprised.

“Yeah,” I said.  “For all the good it does me.”

“I’m sorry,” Kaidan said.  I scowled at him.  “What, I am,” he snapped.

“I’m also sorry, Janey,” Ash said.  “How did he take it?”

“Alright,” I said.  “He said it was probably for the best.”

“He did?” Kaidan asked in amazement.  “If I was the one you broke up with, I’d be devastated.”

The waiter came over.  “What can I get you to drink?” he asked.

“I’ll have a full biotic kick,” Kaidan said.

“Wow, you’re asking for a hang-over from hell,” the waiter said.

“I’m a biotic, I don’t get hang-overs,” Kaidan snapped.

“Uh, right,” the waiter said. 

“Double gin and tonic with ice and lemon,” I said.

“A tasty tankard,” Ash said.  “I feel like broadening my horizons.”

“I’ll be right out with your drinks,” the waiter said.

“What shall we do tonight?” Kaidan asked.

“I feel like getting really drunk,” I said.  “I want to have the worst hang-over in the world tomorrow morning.”

“Yeah, sounds like a fun way to spend the last few hours of shore leave,” Kaidan mumbled.

“Let’s go clubbing,” Ash said.  “Know any good places, Kay?”

“Sure, I know a few,” Kaidan said.  “Best place for drinks and music is on Madison and Third, five minutes from here.”

The drinks arrived.  “Are you ready to order your food?” the waiter asked.

“You do egg-free pasta, right?” I asked.  “My biotic friend here says you do, but I don’t believe him.”

“We do, but it isn’t nearly as good as normal pasta,” the waiter said.

“I’ll have the gorgonzola ravioli with the spinach and walnut stuffing,” I said.  “Egg-free.”

“I’ll have the creamy mushroom spaghetti,” Kaidan said.  “Make it extra creamy.”

“And I’ll take the pasta carbonara,” Ash said.  “My mom used to make it, back on Freedom’s Progress.”

“You know, we really should try some alien food some time,” I said.  “There’s this great asari place near the market, Gcina took me.  Delicious honeyed chicken.”

“Asari have chickens?” Kaidan asked.

“Well, they’re not really chickens,” I said.  “The asari equivalent thereof.  The asari word for them is Grumbia.”

“No way I’m going to an alien restaurant,” Ash said.  “You know there’s a dextero-amino place opening in London?  It’s causing all sorts of riots.  I’ve already signed two petitions to have it stopped.”

Kaidan’s mouth opened.  I shook my head slightly at him.  “I’d like to propose a toast,” I said, raising my glass.  “To us, Perfectionists and winners of the roundrobin.”

“Cheers,” Ash and Kaidan said, touching their glasses to mine.

.....

The club Kaidan took us to was pretty dingy and run-down, but after five gin and tonics I found that I didn’t care so much.  I was also giggling far more than normal and the room was spinning around in a very alarming way.

“Hey Janey, it’s kinda cool to see you unwind like this,” Kaidan said in admiration.  “You’re a fun drunk, not at all depressing.”

“Thanks,” I said, giggling away merrily.

“Do you want to dance?” he asked.

“I suck at dancing,” I said.

“Yeah, Ash warned me,” he laughed.  “I don’t care, come on.”

I grinned and followed him onto the dance floor.  Unfortunately, the rather fast Eezo-9 song that had been playing finished and The Mass Effectors ballad, _Glad You’re Mine_ , started.  It was a slow song and Kaidan pulled me into his arms.

“I actually really like this song,” I said, as we moved in a slow circle.

“ _I used to travel to places faraway,”_ Joquim Stomar, the lead singer and only human member of the band, sang.  “ _Find women to keep company for a day.”_

“Hey Kaidan,” I said somewhat shyly.  “I’ve been thinking about the conversation we had in December week, when I went on my date with Gcina.”

“ _When you walked through the door, I was dumbstruck, I was floored.”_

“Yeah?” Kaidan said.  “What about it?”

“Well, part of the reason I broke up with Gcina is because, well, I’m interested in someone else,” I said, my cheeks burning.  “And well, that someone is you.”

“ _I look and think every time, I’m glad you’re mine,”_ Joquim continued, no doubt unaware of the romantic mess I was creating whilst drunkenly dancing to his only good song.  “ _When I look at you, I wish you’d see what I see too.”_

“Are you messing with me or is this really happening?” Kaidan mumbled.

“ _Dark skin, dark hair, your soul laid bare, I look and think every time, I’m glad you’re mine.”_

“This is really happening, Kaidan,” I said.  “You’re an asshole, incredibly judgemental and quite reckless, but in spite of this, I want to be with you.  That’s partly why I broke up with Gcina, actually.”

He sighed.  “We keep missing each other, don’t we?” he mumbled.

“What does that mean?” I snapped.  “Do you want to be in this relationship or not?”  He hesitated, which I took to mean a No.  “Fine.”

I pulled away from him and stormed off the dance floor.  “ _I’ve travelled the galaxy, seen each star, but none as lovely as you are.  Yes, I’ve travelled the galaxy, seen each star, but not one is as lovely as you are,”_ Joquim finished on a high falsetto.

..... 

We were all silent as we flew back to Del Sol at quarter to six the next morning.  Kaidan was flying as he was the only one that was not hung-over.  After storming off the dance floor, I had drunk six more gin and tonics, one after the other, and, according to Ash, gotten up, sung the national anthem and passed out.  She had taken me to the bathroom and nursed me back to consciousness with the use of ice-packs, lemon juice and water. 

Kaidan broke the silence.  “Home sweet home,” he mumbled as he landed in the shuttle bay at Del Sol.

I got up and stalked from the shuttle.  “So, do I want to know what happened between you and Kaidan last night?” Ash asked, jogging to keep up with me.

“No,” I snapped.  “Did I really sing the national anthem?”

“Ja,” Ash said.  “It was terrible.  You were out of tune and every time you were supposed to sing ‘stand’, you sang ‘die’.”

“’Die fast, die strong, die together?’” I asked.  “Oh God, they’ll arrest me for sure.”

“I find that unlikely,” Ash said.  “Everyone gets drunk at some point in their lives.  Besides, it wasn’t really treasonous.”

We passed Giovanni on the way to our dorm.  “Hey, Vol-,” he began.

“Save it, shit-face, I’m not in the mood,” I snapped, slamming the door in his face.  I turned to Ash.  “I’m going to sleep now, I don’t care if I don’t make the hours for this week,” I told her.

“You…do that,” she said uncertainly.

 .....

I woke up in time for dinner.  My headache and nausea had mostly dissipated and I found that I was quite hungry.  I went down to dinner, received my tray of beef and baked beans and sat down with Ash, Bridget, Cat and Zac.

“So, have a good shore leave?” Bridget asked.  “How is boring old Seattle?”

“Boring,” Ash said.

“And you, Shepard, see anyone interesting?” Cat asked.

“Well, I saw my boyfriend and broke up with him,” I said.  “I also saw a naked man near the pier, but I think he was high.”

“See, I’d have gone to the aquarium if we’d won,” Cat said.

“I went during December week,” I said shortly.

I spent the time until propaganda hour studying calculus problems.  At propaganda hour Ash sat between Kaidan and me.  We still weren’t talking to each other.

The news report opened with the sentencing of a man believed to be a member of Cerberus, a pro-human terrorist group.

“Carlos Aguera, a sixty seven year old man from Skyllia, was arrested yesterday afternoon after the Alliance Surveillance Network overheard a conversation between him and another person where he expressed plans to destroy the Alliance Buildings,” the news reporter said.  Yesterday was clearly the day everyone wanted to bring down the Alliance, I thought to myself.

“In Aguera’s tribunal this morning, it was learnt that he had ties with Cerberus, and this was all a plot to overthrow the current Alliance government,” the reporter continued.  “Unfortunately, owing to the secrecy bill, we are not allowed to show footage of the actual court proceedings.  We do however have a clip from his sentencing, which took place at quarter past four this afternoon.”

The report cut to a clip of the Alliance High Court in Seattle.  It showed a close-up of the judge.  “Mr Aguera, I am prepared to render judgement,” he said.  “Please rise.”  The clip showed the back of an old man’s head as he stood up.  “I find you guilty of terrorism, treason, and attempting to overthrow the Alliance government.  The penalty for all three this charges is death.”

The clip jumped to the old man’s face, to show the expression of shock and fear, and I recognised him.

“No way,” I gasped.

“What is it, Jane?” Ash whispered.

“I know that man,” I said.  My voice was louder than I intended and everyone in the room turned to look at me.

“Quiet,” Nina commanded.

“I know that man,” I repeated.  “He isn’t with Cerberus.”

“Who is he, Jane?” Ash asked.

“I spoke to him on the bus yesterday, on my way to Gcina’s place,” I said.

“You spoke to him?” Nina asked, clearly forgetting about having to be quiet.  “What about?”

“He said he was going to blow up the Alliance Buildings,” I said.

“So he was a terrorist then,” Ismaeel said.

“No,” I said.  “He wasn’t.  Terrorists don’t announce their plans to random people on the bus.  And he was definitely not with Cerberus.  He’d just lost his entire family to the batarians.  He was angry at the Alliance.”

“So, you’re the person that he spoke to,” Zac said.  “The one on the news.”

“I don’t know,” I said.  “I guess.”  I frowned.  “This is wrong,” I said unhappily.  “He didn’t have a backpack with him.  He was just a crazy old man that was pissed off at the Alliance.  The Alliance is wrong.”

There was a sharp intake of breath around the room.  Disagreeing with the Alliance could lead to serious problems for you later in life.  “Jane, shut up,” Ash hissed.

Nina looked down.  “I’m going to pretend I never heard that,” she said carefully.  “If I do hear it, I want you to know that I’ll have no choice but to report it.”

“Understood ma’am,” I muttered.

I pretended to watch the rest of the report, but when Nina turned the light back on at the end, I would have been unable to say what it had been about.

“Jane,” Kaidan said, leaning across Ash.

“What is it, Kaidan?” I asked, not in the mood.

“I need to speak to you,” he whispered.  “Can you meet me in the metaphorically empty room?”

“Sure,” I whispered back.  “When?”

“I’m going now,” he said.  “Come in about ten minutes.”

He got up and left.  “You ok?” Ash asked me.

I wasn’t, but I nodded.  “Yeah,” I said.  “I’m great.”

..... 

Kaidan was waiting for me in the empty room.  “Make it quick, Alenko,” I said.  “I need to count Major Jupiter’s shotgun slugs again because she’s going deep-sea diving tomorrow.”

“Uh…right,” Kaidan said.  He took a deep breath.  “Anyway, I figured I’d finish the conversation we were having last night.”

“How about we don’t?” I snapped.

“For fuck’s sake, will you let me speak, woman?” he snapped.

“Don’t talk to me like that,” I snapped back.

“Ugh, you are so frustrating,” he groaned.

“I’m frustrating?” I shouted.  “You’re the one who says one thing, and then when I do what you want you-“

He bent and kissed me hard on the lips.  I was so shocked that I shut up, and when he pulled away from me, my mouth dropped open.  “Ok, now that I have your attention and you have shut up, can I please talk?” he asked.  “If you’d actually stuck around and listened to what I had to say, you would have heard me say how much I want to be with you, how I haven’t looked at another woman since I first saw you.”  He paused.  “Well, that’s not strictly true, I’ve looked at lots of women, but I’ve always ended up staring at you again.  You’ve always been the one I wanted to be with.”

“What about Kasuumi?” I asked.

He sighed.  “Kasuumi was a childhood fantasy that ended up going very wrong,” he said.  “Anyway, the point is, you’re the one I want to be with, since the first time I saw you.”

I groaned.  “Ugh, I’m a moron,” I mumbled.

“No arguments there,” Kaidan agreed.  “You’re also the most stubborn person I’ve ever met, which is saying a lot.”

“I can’t believe I almost messed this up,” I said.  “You know, Elizabeth warned me about this?”

“Really?” Kaidan asked, sounding amused.

“Yeah,” I said.  “Well, she was more talking about training, but she said I have this tendency to self-sabotage.”

“No kidding?” Kaidan asked.

“I kid you not,” I said.  “So, now what?”

“Well, I’d really like to kiss you again, and it’d be nice if you kissed me back,” he said.

I smiled.  “Really?” I said.  “What if I didn’t?”

“You will,” he said.  “Girls tell me I’m a great kisser.  I’m irresistible.”

He bent towards me.  After what was probably the world’s greatest kiss, I said, “We need to be really careful with this.”

“Don’t worry, Jane,” he said, kissing the tip of my nose.  “We will be.”

 .....

Of course, we weren’t counting on Ash.  We didn’t see her again that evening before lights out, and the first time we really spoke was at breakfast.  I got to the mess hall slightly later than the rest of them, as I had to run something to Casey for Nina.  I quickly collected my tray and sat down between Kaidan and Ash.

“Morning,” Kaidan said. 

“Did you sleep-oh my God,” Ash said.  Her eyes moved wildly between Kaidan and me.

“Something the matter, Ashley?” I asked pointedly.

“No,” she said.  She cleared her throat.  “Did you change your hairstyle Jane?”

My hair was in its customary bun.  “No,” I said.  “I always wear it like this.”

“Oh,” she said.  “It, um, looks different.”

As soon as I got up, she took my hand and dragged me out of the pod.  “Ow, Ash, carefully,” I said.  “I know that hand looks healed, but it still hurts.”

“Shut up, we need to talk,” she said.  “Alenko, you too.”

“Ma’am yes ma’am,” Kaidan mumbled and followed us to the empty room.

“You kissed,” she said accusingly.

“I-how the hell did you know that?” Kaidan asked.

“She’s like that,” I said.  “Knew before I did that I was into you.”

“Ok, I’m happy for both of you, you’re both my friends and you mean a lot to me et cetera,” Ash said.  “But you guys need to be careful.  You could wind up in serious trouble if you’re caught.”

“Sure, we’ll be careful,” I said.  “So long as you promise to stop acting like an idiot in the mess hall, what the hell is wrong with you?”

“Sorry, I don’t wake up expecting to find out that my two best friends were vrying the night before,” Ash snapped.

“Um, vrying?” I asked.

“Making out,” she said.  “Oh, and Kaidan, just so you know, if you hurt Jane, I will cut your Johnson off.”

“Wow,” Kaidan said.  “Calm down, Ash, we’ll be fine.”

“Ok,” Ash said.  “Well.  Fine.  Let’s go train.”

“Wait,” I said.  “I um, want to talk to you guys about what we saw on the news last night.”  I waited until they’d both settled themselves on the floor.  “I can’t stop thinking about that man,” I said.  “He told me that he had explosives in his bag to blow up the Alliance Buildings, but he didn’t have a bag with him.  He was just a crazy old man, but they arrested him anyway.”

“He was bad-mouthing the Alliance,” Ash said.  “Of course they arrested him.”

There wasn’t actually a clause anywhere in the constitution that said we weren’t allowed to talk against the Alliance, but everyone was taught from the time they were children not to do it.

“Yeah,” I said.  “But this makes me wonder if all those other people they arrested for treason and terrorism, people like Alumba, Walters and the like, were they really terrorists, or did they just say the wrong thing at the wrong time?”

“What difference do you suppose it will make?” Ash asked.

“We are here, training to defend the Alliance,” I said.  “If they are wrong, if they kill people who are not guilty in the name of peace, should we really be defending them?  It makes a huge difference, Ash.”

“I owe the Alliance a great deal,” Kaidan said.  “When I killed that boy seven years ago, all they had to do was send me to one of their supermax facilities and lock me away for life, but they didn’t.  They sent me to Jump Zero, where I was given the chance to learn about my abilities and how to control them.  I was given the skills to survive despite my mental defects, and I got to meet other kids that are like me.  I’ll fight to defend that side of the Alliance.”

Ash sighed.  “You know my opinion on this matter,” she said.

“Yeah, I do,” I said.

“You’re here now,” Kaidan said.  “You’ll probably graduate, which means you have seven years that you have to serve.  You need to find something worth defending, and fight for that.”

I thought about this.  “Before the Exodus, Jason wouldn’t have been allowed to live,” I said at last.  “They would have euthanized him.  I can fight for that.”

..... 

After that it was like we were walking a tight-rope, Ash, Kaidan and I.  One wrong step, and we would all topple over the edge.  The strangest thing for me was that, despite the fact that everything was changing for me, life was continuing as normal at the academy.  And normal at this stage meant scaring the heck out of us for our examinations, which were now a month away. 

“As you all know, this is the last time I’ll be seeing you before your final exam from July eighteenth to July twenty first,” Admiral Kahoku, Admiral Brawne’s replacement, said. “As Admiral Brawne explained, you will need to choose which two simulations you want to be examined in this year, and you will be examined on the other two next year.  You will be placed in squads of four for each simulation.  This placement will be random and will be chosen on the day.  Survival will be on the eighteenth, capture the nineteenth, hunt on the twentieth, and naturally time trial on the twenty first.  You will be assessed on whether you complete the task, how well you place yourself strategically in the simulation, how well you complete the task, and how well you look after your squad mates.  I want your choices of simulations in my mailbox by 0900 hours on Sunday morning, no excuses.  Any questions?”

Kaidan raised his hand.  “Alenko?” Admiral Kahoku said politely.

“Can I use my biotics, sir?” Kaidan asked eagerly.

“You may,” Admiral Kahoku said.  “Now, as you are no doubt aware, your final marks will be released on August 20, at 1200 hours.  The FP for this examination is seventy five per cent.  Raise your hand if you don’t know what an FP is.”  No one raised their hand.  “Good,” he said.  “If someone had raised their hand there, I would have kicked you out.  Dismissed.”

.....

“I don’t like surprises,” Commander Anderson said.  “Which is why I don’t enjoy my birthday, as, even though my wife and I have been married for eight and a half years and she knows that I don’t like surprises, she still throws me a surprise party every year.  In fact, she’s probably at home now, planning the stupid party when she should be giving my youngest son, Edward, the attention he sorely needs.”

“When’s your birthday, sir?” Cat asked.

“Next month, Arse Lick, and if you bake me a cake I will stuff it down your throat, make you vomit it up and force you to eat it again, understood?”

“Yes sir,” Cat said, standing up straighter.

“Sounds like you, Jane,” Ash whispered in my ear.

“Anyway, I had a point here before Arse Lick decided to side-track me,” Commander Anderson went on.  “I hate surprises, and I hate mysteries, such as why the hell do Charles Manson and Ken keep giving each other alluring looks every five seconds?  I mean, good God, it’d be the worst combination ever, a psychopath and a kid’s toy.  Imagine the chaos if they breed…”

“We’re practicing for a…um…play that Alenko and I are going to be in,” I said quickly.

“Which play, Blondie?” he asked.  Huh?

“Um, er, Romeo and Julian, sir,” I said.

“Romeo and Julian?” Commander Anderson asked.  “Never heard of it.”

“It’s very popular in certain circles, sir,” I said.

“It’s the gay Romeo and Juliet,” Bridget said.

“Right, well back to the lesson,” Commander Anderson said after giving me a hard look.  “As I do not like surprises, I will be telling you what I will be testing you on.  I will however only say it once and I will not allow any questions.  I will be testing you on the obstacle course, on your swimming, and I will want to be able to run around the entire compound with a backpack that weighs thirty kilograms within thirty minutes or less.  The exam will take place on the fifteenth of July, and no, I won’t tell you what order the tests will be happening in.  Now, as you are aware of what’s coming, the FP will be eighty five per cent.”  There were collective groans.  “Funny, seems I’m hearing complaints,” he said, cocking his head.  “Am I hearing complaints?”

“Sir, no, sir,” we chorused.

“Good,” he said.  “Now, get the hell out of my gymnasium.”

..... 

After lunch I went to see Elizabeth. 

“Have you ever had sex?” I asked the moment I shut the door behind me.

She frowned.  “Uh, that’s a strange question,” she said.  “Is there a particular reason you’re asking?”

I sighed.  “I have this boyfriend, right?” I said.  “We’ve been together for about six weeks.”

“Is he here, at Del Sol?” Elizabeth asked when I didn’t continue.

“Yes,” I said.  “You won’t tell the admirals, will you?”

She shook her head.  “No, of course not,” she said.

“Ok,” I said.  “Anyway, last night, Kaidan and I had an argument.”

We had been making out, same as usual.  I really enjoyed making out with him, and we’d gotten as far as over the bra, under the shirt activity.  That night though, he’d tried to take my bra off.

“Wait,” I said, moving his hand away.

“Come on, Janey, please,” he had said.

“No, Kaidan, not now,” I said. 

“Look, I know you’re a virgin, and you’re scared, but I promise I’ll look after you,” he said.

“It’s not that, it’s just-I dunno, I’m not sure I’m ready yet,” I said.

“You say you want to be with me,” he began angrily.

“I do,” I insisted.

“Yeah?” he snapped.  “You’ve got a fucking weird way of showing that.”

“Listen you fucking asshole, you can take my word for it or get out,” I shouted.

Needless to say, we weren’t talking to each other.

“So you told him that you’re not ready to have sex yet,” Elizabeth said.

“Yes,” I said.  “He didn’t understand.”

“Uh huh,” she said.  “I’m just thinking though, Catholics don’t approve of sex before marriage.  It must be kind of difficult.”

I put my feet up on the couch.  “Sure, it’s confusing,” I said.

“Tell me, how did your parents tell you about sex?” Elizabeth asked.

I frowned.  “My dad said that Jesus dropped us off in the cargo bay,” I said.  “My mom explained about sex when we were staying on Ciro Station.  I was nine, Jason was five.  Later, when we were back on Hugo Grayson, I explained it to Jean and John.  Dad overheard us and told us that we were committing a sin by talking like that and that we should never speak to him about it whilst living with him.”

“What had your mother said about sex?” Elizabeth asked.

I rolled my eyes.  “That sex is a beautiful experience between two people that love each other,” I said.  “You know the usual crap.”

“That must have been really confusing for you.”

“Yeah,” I said.  “You know what’s more confusing?  I think about sex all the time.  Like all the time.  I even dream about it.  Sometimes it’s with Kaidan, other times it’s with random people from my pod or sometimes guys that I’ve never seen before in my life.”

“Sounds like that’s your real dilemma,” Elizabeth said.  “Whether to follow your beliefs or not.”

“I guess,” I said.  “So, what do you think?  Should I have sex with Kaidan or not?”

She smiled.  “Jane, I can’t give you the answer to that,” she said.  “I can tell you that if Kaidan really loves you, he’ll wait for you.”

“If he really loves me?” I echoed, my heart sinking.

“Exactly,” Elizabeth said, nodding.  “But, if you do decide to have sex, you need to protect yourself.”

I gave her a scathing look.  “I know,” I said.  “I don’t want to get the rot.”  I got up.  “Thanks for the help,” I said.  “I should go.”

.....

Kaidan and I had this tradition of meeting every other night in the empty room during Quiet Hour.  Ash had agreed to leave the pod too at the same time so that everyone would assume that we were studying together.  The next time we were scheduled to meet, I barely let him get two words out before jumping on him.

“Wow, you’re enthusiastic tonight,” he mumbled.

“Uh huh, sure am,” I said, taking my t-shirt off and going for my bra.

“Holy-Jane, what are you doing?” he asked, grabbing my hands.

“Giving you what you want,” I said, pulling my hands free and undoing the clip on my bra.

“Ok, Jane, just take a moment please,” Kaidan said.  “I want to make love to you more than anything, but I want you to want me to too.”

“I do,” I insisted.

“Look, I know what I said was stupid and I’m really sorry,” he said.  I took my bra off.  “Jane, please stop taking your clothes off and listen to me.  Now, I’ve been with a lot of women and I’m pretty good at making them happy in bed.  The thing is though; I’ve never felt like this about anyone before.  I’m crazy about you, and I want this to be right, so I’m willing to wait for you.  As long as you need.”

“Are you sure?” I asked in a small voice.

“Uh huh,” he said.

“Won’t you get…frustrated?”

“Well, sure, but that’s why there’s masturbation,” he said.  “It’s sort of hard when there are so many people constantly in my surroundings, but I make do.  And just so you know, I’m always be thinking about you.”

“Oh,” I said.  “Uh, great.”

He laughed.  “You really suck at dirty talk, don’t you?” he asked.

“I haven’t really had anyone to practice on,” I said.  “With Gcina it was just awkward, because we mostly spoke on vid-calls and everyone in the dorm was listening in.”

“We’ll work on it,” Kaidan promised.  “Now please put your clothes back on as your chest is very distracting.”

..... 

Fortunately for both of us, I had very little time after that to further humiliate myself as the exam period was finally upon us and any free time was spent trying to cram as much information as possible into my brain.

“It’s like being back in school,” Ash groaned as we tried memorising the protocol for losing your partner in live combat.

“I wouldn’t know,” I mumbled, laying my pounding head on the desk.  “I’m going to fail math though, that much I do know.”

“You won’t,” Ash said.  “You just need to think systematically.  Dis net kop hou.”

“You do know we don’t speak Afrikaans right, Ash?” Kaidan asked.  “I mean, how would you feel if I randomly started spouting French at you?”

“You don’t speak French,” I said. 

“Au contraire, mon aime, my family is French Canadian,” Kaidan said. 

I purposefully dropped my pen and, whilst leaning over to pick it up again, whispered, “That’s was really hot.”

Kaidan winked roguishly at me.  “Glad you liked it,” he said in an undertone.

“Anyway,” Ash said loudly.  “What I said is you need to keep your head.”

We both looked at her.  “Keep it where?” Kaidan asked at last.

“On your neck obviously,” I said.  “Otherwise that’s the world’s most gruesome saying.”

“Look, the saying works better in Afrikaans,” Ash said.  “Basically what I’m trying to say is that you need to keep calm.”

“Oh,” I said.  “Why couldn’t you just say that?”

“I-never mind,” Ash said.  “So, you’re going into the simulation with Ruben?”

Kaidan, Bridget, Ismaeel and Cat all had to be led through a simulation by Nina, in order for her to pass her officership training.  Ordinarily, she would have had the other pod officer with her, but as Liam had died, she had asked me to step up and be her partner.

“Just don’t start bossing me around,” Kaidan said warningly.

“I’m just there to cover her back,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“So,” Kaidan glanced around the room, but the rest of the dorm was busy chattering among themselves as they studied.  “Find anything new?”

I’d taken to watching the vids that Kaidan had found of the Hugo Grayson to look for any leads on what had happened.

I shook my head.  “Nothing,” I said gloomily.  “Well, apart from the nightmares.  I can’t shake the feeling that something’s wrong though.  It feels like there’s an important clue sitting right in front of me, only I can’t see it.”

“I don’t know how you can bear to watch those vids,” Ash mumbled.

“Like I said,” I replied.  “Nightmares.”

.....

Our first exam was navigation, which took place at night.  We were all taken out into the desert, separated and stranded, with nothing but a compass and a map to help us find our way back to the academy.  The first person back was naturally Kaidan, but I made it back in good time.  The following day we spent the morning studying different hacking modules and did our first aid exam in the afternoon (apart from forgetting the name of the bone in the upper arm, I felt I did relatively well).  In our tech exam the following morning, I ran out of time in my bypass, but managed to reprogram a mech’s IFF in record time.  In flying the following day I went over the speed limit, but at least I didn’t crash the shuttle into a pole, which is what Kyle did. 

“I wouldn’t worry about it, Jones,” Bridget said afterwards.  “Lieutenant Morreau has brittle bone disease.  He would have broken his legs eventually.”

“I’ll get kicked out of the academy,” Kyle said gloomily.

“No you won’t,” Cat said.  “Flying is not an FP.  Marines don’t need to be able to use shuttles.  Of course, it would be useful, but it isn’t essential.”

“You will however get kicked out if you don’t get asari concord right, so let’s try it again,” I said.

“I am, tsi’mam,” Kyle recited.  “We are, tse’dam.  You are singular, khu’dem.  You are plural, ku’dam.  She is, ge’sham.  They are, ru’dam.”

“Good,” I said.  “Remember, asari don’t have men, so if there’s a question regarding males, it’s a trick.”

“I wish I was an asari,” Bridget mumbled.  “You’re beautiful, skinny, live for a thousand years and don’t have any males of your species.  Oh, and if you do mate outside of your species, your children will always be asari.”

Naturally I did well in both the salarian and the asari languages tests, although everyone else said they were quite difficult.  For my combat exams I had chosen time trial and capture.  For capture I had a Pod 2 boy as a partner, Mikhail, and De Valentino from Pod 4 in my squad.  As far as I could work out, we did relatively well.  At least, we beat the record that Sven and I had racked up together.  Time trial went even better as one of the Pod 2s had the smart idea of us separating to cover more ground.  We finished the trial in fifty five seconds.

In fitness, we kicked off with the run carrying a thirty kilogram backpack and ended with a twenty lap swim.  I wasn’t fantastic, but I managed to finish the exam without getting winded, which I was pretty proud of.

“Alright, this is the very last time I’ll see you before your leave, so I want to say congratulations for mostly surviving this year,” Commander Anderson said at the end of the examination.  “I must say, this has by far been the most dramatic year at Del Sol, and I’m relatively proud to say that all of you have improved slightly since you first got here.  Now go out there, get drunk, make some bad choices and generally live it up.  See you in September.  By the way, female patrons, the dresses you’ll be wearing at the graduation ball have arrived, so come fetch them at my office at some point before tomorrow.”

Math was naturally a disaster.  I couldn’t remember the formula for tan, and forgot what a cosine graph looked like.

“Ugh,” I mumbled afterwards.  “To come all this way, only to be defeated by numbers.”

“It wasn’t that bad,” Kaidan said.

“Yeah, because you’re some crazy freaking super genius who’s good at just about anything he does,” I said.

“Don’t worry,” Ash said.  “We only have weapons and armoury left, and you’ll kill that.”

She was right.  I used all my weapons exactly, was able to hit each target on the bull’s eye, and had a rematch with the clay pigeon run, where I shot every pigeon out the sky.

“Excellent job, Shepard,” Admiral Greyling mumbled to me as I walked past him to put my weapons down.

“Thank you, sir,” I said.

“Kaidan’s found something important,” Ash whispered to me as I took my place back in the line with the rest of my pod.  “Meet us in the empty room.”

“Understood,” I muttered.

An hour later everyone was done.  All around the academy was the sounds of cheering and laughter.  The exams were over and we had all survived.  I made my way to the empty room, where Kaidan and Ash were already waiting.

“We need to be on the landing pad in half an hour to unload decorations for the dance,” I said.

“It’s going to be a very depressing dance,” Ash observed.  “There are only nine seniors left.  It’ll be more of a gathering than a party.”

“Yeah,” I said.  “The marines are going to suffer for this year.”

“I was thinking the same thing,” Kaidan said.  “Which is why I somehow found myself in the Annexe, near the terminal that controls the academy’s radiation sensors.”

“You did what?” Ash asked in amazement.  “How come they didn’t catch you?”

“I also somehow hacked into the cameras,” Kaidan said.  “Played a five minute loop of me in bed and the Annexe empty.”

“And you found something,” I said.

“I did,” Kaidan said.  “The sensors were turned off on the twenty eighth of December, and the maintenance VI was reprogrammed to generally not give a shit.  I have the Alliance military code of the officer that did it, but no name.”

“Go on then,” I said.

“The code is 139853N7,” Kaidan said.  “I can read you the command codes too if you want.”

“139,” Ash murmured.  “That’s a commander.”

“Are you sure that the sensors were accessed here?” I asked.  “The command wasn’t sent from somewhere else?”

“No, it was definitely from here,” Kaidan said.  “What’s more, I’m positive that the commander spends a lot of time at Del Sol.”

“What makes you say that?” I asked.

“Well, I’ve been hacking other terminals around the academy, and this code has been used on a lot of them for quite a while,” Kaidan said.

“So, it’s either Commander Anderson or Commander McDougal,” I said.  “They’re the only two commanders that teach here on a regular basis.”

“But why would either of them do something like this?” Ash asked.  “They’re both freaking patriots.  Commander Anderson was a hero in the First Contact War.  Why would they do something to jeopardise the Alliance’s chances in this war?”

“I don’t know,” I said.  “But I do know that the marines will only be coming out with nine new soldiers this year, and forty one next year.  They’re going to be seriously under strength.  We need to get to the bottom of this.  We’re unlikely to find out whose code that is, but Kaidan run a search in any case.  You might get lucky.”

“Understood,” Kaidan said.

“In the meantime, I’ll keep examining those vids,” I said.  “I know there’s something important that I’m missing.”

.....

Kaidan came to me the next evening as I was getting dressed for the dance.  “You were right,” he said.  “I can’t find who the code belongs to.  It’s classified.”

“Ah well, it was a slim hope at best,” I said.  “Do me up.”

I was wearing a short silver nineteen twenties dress.  He did the zip up at the back.  “You look gorgeous by the way,” he whispered in my ear.

“Thanks, but this dress is uncomfortably short,” I said.  “I feel like a tramp.”

“Well, you don’t look like one,” he said.  “Have fun.  If I hear that some handsome soldier has snatched you away, I’ll be very displeased.”

I laughed.  “I believe a handsome soldier has already snatched me away,” I said.  “I should go though.  They need me to greet people at the door and lead them to their tables.”

The others were already at the entrance to the command hall, where the dance was happening.  “Hey Jane,” Ash said, dressed in a red dress of a similar style, but looking far more beautiful than I would ever manage.  “You look great.”

“You look better,” I said.

“I look ridiculous,” Bridget said.  She was wearing a black dress.  “This body was not designed for short, tight dresses, and my hair is not good for this look.”

“It feels weird to be dressed in civvies again after so long,” Cat said.  “I may have lost the knack.”

“Oh please, you look hot as ever,” Bridget snapped.

“Thanks, Fredrich,” Cat said, looking pleased.  Bridget rolled her eyes.

“Hey,” Ash whispered, linking her arm through mine.  “This time tomorrow we’re sipping cocktails in Cape Town.”

.....

The dance was as depressing as we predicted.  The VIPs outnumbered the graduates at least ten to one.  The dance floor was mostly empty.  The party was hectically over catered, as we had ordered the food before the radiation hit the academy.  I think everyone gave a sigh of relief when the party was disbanded at around one AM.

The next morning was the prize-giving and graduation ceremony.  We all had to don our formal blues and sit in alphabetical order.  It was just under a year since we had sat like this for our BOL ceremony.  I remembered how scared I’d been, how I’d been certain that I would flunk out or be assigned to N1.  I couldn’t wait for the holiday to start. 

The prize-giving was somewhat boring.  As our pod was the only pod that still had all its juniors, we received the bulk of the prizes.  Kaidan swept the board, receiving prizes for combat, tech, protocol, communication and navigation.  Cat and I shared the weapons and armoury prize, and I also received a prize for languages and a special medal for survival above and beyond what is expected (I wasn’t quite sure what to make of this prize, but decided to go along with it). 

The graduation ceremony was as depressing as the dance.  All nine the graduates received N3 designations and above, which meant that they would be seeing live combat very soon.  At the end of the ceremony, the nine graduates turned to us and saluted.  “Who’s like us?” they bellowed.

“Damn few,” we shouted back, saluting.  “And they’re all dead.”

An unfortunate truth.

..... 

The academy had one more turdlet to drop on us, and that was the announcing of the officers for the next year.

Cat, Ismaeel, Kaidan and I were all to be officers.  Furthermore, Cat and Kaidan were to be transferred to Pod 6, as there was to be no seniors in that pod.

“Shit,” I mumbled as I went up to receive my badge.  This meant that I had to stay at Del Sol over the holiday to prepare for the arrival of the new grunts.

“Well, this sucks major balls,” Ash said when we were dismissed.

“Yeah,” Kaidan said.  “You’ll have to enjoy Cape Town without us.”

“I won’t have nearly as much fun if you two aren’t with me,” Ash said.

We went back to Pod 3 to fetch the seniors’ bags and take them to the waiting shuttles and skycars.  “Well, Shepard, I guess this is it,” Nina said.

“Apparently, ma’am,” I said.  “I’m just surprised I got this far.”

“You’re not the only one,” Nina said.  “You’ll be an ok officer.  I think.”

“Thank you, ma’am, for that vote of confidence,” I said.  I loaded her bags into her parents’ sky car. “Good luck out there,” I said.  We shook hands and I watched the skycar fly off.  I turned and nearly walked straight into Giovanni.

“What do you want?” I snapped.

“Watch your tone, Shepard,” he said silkily.

“You watch your tone,” I said.  “I outrank you now, so I suggest you take a step back before I make you do push-ups.”

“Feisty all of a sudden?” he asked.

“Guess so,” I said.

He smiled.  “Very well, Shepard,” he said.  “In the next couple of weeks I’ll be deployed to the Attican Traverse cluster to fight batarians.”

“Good luck,” I said indifferently.  “Remember what colour your blood is.”

“Fuck you, Shepard,” Giovanni snapped.

He went and got into the shuttle leaving for London without a backward glance.  A few minutes later it took off.  I watched it fly off into the distance, until it became a small dot in the sky.  Then it disappeared behind the radioactive haze and was gone.  I took a deep breath and felt my shoulders relax.


	14. Chapter thirteen: August to September: Old school computer games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane, Kaidan, Cat and Ismael prepare the academy for the return of their fellow recruits and the new junior recruits, Jane and Kaidan move forward with their relationship, and Jane discovers that the signal that sent the Hugo Grayson to its death was sent from Del Sol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: I wrote this fic in a time when computers still played a tone when started up. Also, no steamy sex scene here (or anywhere). I enjoy reading smut, I suck at writing it.

Preparing the academy for the next year turned out to entail cleaning Del Sol from top to toe, doing inventory of every single piece of cutlery, every bullet, every weapon, every piece of armour, every towel and every other kind of thing that was necessary (or unnecessary) for the functioning of the academy.  We also had to attend classes with Sergeant Rhys on how to torture the grunts sufficiently.

The day after everyone had left, the N7 recruits returned from their final challenge.  The final three had been both Major and Lieutenant Jupiter, and Lieutenant-Commander Fontana.  As they’re personal assistants, Kaidan, De Valentino from Pod 4, and I had to meet them as they came off the shuttle.

Lieutenant-Commander Fontana was the first to disembark.

“Alenko,” she shouted.  “I did it, I fucking did it.  You’re looking at Lieutenant-Commander Fontana, N7.”

“Awesome work, ma’am,” Kaidan said.

“And I wouldn’t have been able to do it without you,” she said.  She high-fived Kaidan and they went together into the villa.

“Ugh, I’m willing to bet Lieutenant Jupiter won’t be that nice if he got through,” De Valentino mumbled.

“Well, Major Jupiter still doesn’t know my name,” I said.

“Tough break,” De Valentino said sympathetically.  “Uh oh, here they come.”

“Wow, it doesn’t look good,” I mumbled.  Major Jupiter had her arm around her brother.  “Can they both fail?”

“No, course not,” De Valentino said.  “With the final three, only one can be dropped out.”

“Guess we should go greet them,” I said.  I went over to where the two of them were standing.

“Skye, I still don’t understand why you would do this,” Major Jupiter said.

“Luna,” Lieutenant Jupiter said.  He sounded tired. 

“Come on, Skye, this would have made things better for you,” Major Jupiter said.  “I just don’t understand why you would do this for me.”

“Luna, this is bad enough,” Lieutenant Jupiter said.

I cleared my throat.  “I’m here to welcome you back, but if you’d rather I left…” I said uncertainly.

Lieutenant Jupiter turned to us.  “There you are, boy,” he snapped.  He shoved his weapons belt into De Valentino’s chest, undid his armguards, pulled his gloves off and chucked them at De Valentino’s head.

“Good to see you too, sir,” De Valentino mumbled.

“Did you say something, grunt?” Lieutenant Jupiter shouted.

“No sir,” De Valentino said.

“Skye, get a grip,” Major Jupiter said irritably.  “The boy didn’t tell you to ruin your chances to make N7.”

Lieutenant Jupiter growled under his breath, and stormed into the villa.  “So, you’re N7, ma’am?” I asked to break the tension.

“Do you have siblings, girl?” Major Jupiter asked tiredly.

“I had three, but I only have one left,” I said.

“They’re tiring aren’t they?”

“Yes ma’am, but I’d do anything for my brother,” I said. 

“Yes, so would I,” Major Jupiter said.  “Unfortunately, Skye would do exactly the same for me.”

“Would you like some hot chocolate ma’am?” I asked.

“What the hell would I want hot chocolate for?” she asked.

“It’s supposed to be com-never minding,” I said.  “Congratulations on becoming N7.”

“Bite me,” she mumbled.

..... 

Kaidan and Cat had moved into Pod 6, something that Kaidan would not stop complaining about.  “The woman never shuts up,” he said, pacing up and down the empty room.  “Day in, day out, minute after minute, around the clock, twenty-four-seven, it’s all the great things Catlin McDougal does.  On the twenty third of January, 2167, she shot up a perfect score at the Terra Nova Shooting Competition.  On the fifth of August, 2172 she invented the wheel, and on the twelfth of May, 2175 she developed eezo drive cores.  On and on and bloody on.”

“I’m sorry you have a shitty roommate,” I said.  “If it means anything, I miss having you in the dorm.  And I also know for a fact that Jean shot up the perfect score in the Terra Nova Shooting Competition in 2167.”

“And, as if that’s not enough, she’s really flirty the entire time,” he went on, as if he hadn’t heard me.  “Like, what the hell is that all about?”

“Well, you’re a good-looking guy,” I said.  “A lot of girls are into you.”

“Really?” he asked, looking intrigued.  “Like who?”

“Well, me for one,” I said.  “You know, your girlfriend.”

“Oh, yeah,” he said.  “I’m into you too, Janey, you know that.”

I rolled my eyes.  “Just so long as you remember that when McDougal is making her moves,” I said.

“Why would I be interested in her?” he asked blankly.  “You’re my girlfriend, and apparently I can get any girl in this joint.”

I sighed.  “Just shut up and kiss me,” I said.

“Ma’am yes ma’am,” he said.  “Just for the record, it doesn’t matter how many gorgeous, hot girls are into me, you’re the only one I’m interested in.”

“Thanks,” I said.  “I think.”

..... 

Our reports came the day before the Day of Remembrance, the day that had sort of become Christmas for the free world, but also the day where we supposedly remembered all those that we had lost in all the wars of the past couple of centuries.  However, like Christmas had become less about the birth of Jesus, the Day of Remembrance became more of a time when people tried to spend the entire day in a drunken stupor.  It was also a day when gifts were given to loved ones and thanks was given for surviving another year.  When I was about four or five, I asked who thanks was being given to if humanity was a secular society.  I didn’t receive an answer and to this day I still don’t know.

Cat and Kaidan were with Ismaeel and me in the Pod 3 rec room, probably because they were sick of being alone with each other.

“Look, like each other or not, you’re stuck with each other for the next year,” Ismaeel said reasonably, polishing a mess tin within an inch of its life.  “I mean, you’re going to be doing all the practical classes together, with only Zonus and Marefo from Pod 5 for company.  You’ll probably end up being partners for combat.”  They both glared at him.  “Hey, on the up, at least you’ll both always be in the top two of your pod at the mark readings,” he said comfortingly.

“Kaidan Alenko doesn’t do second-place,” Kaidan snapped.

“No?” I asked.  “Well, you’re going to have to.  Pod 3’s going to get the five next year.”

“I still consider myself as Pod 3, so you have my blessing,” Cat said.

“Aw, that’s sweet, McDougal,” Ismaeel said.  “So, the A18 protocols are used on grunts that are getting too good at something?”  We had learnt about them earlier that day.

The three of us pulled faces.  “Yeah,” Kaidan said.

“And you’ve all been ordered to look for them?” Ismaeel asked.  We all nodded.  “This sucks, nobody asked me to look for the A18 protocols.”

“Well, you aren’t particularly fantastic at anything,” Cat said.  “You’re sort of slightly above-average, but that’s about it.”

Ismaeel glared at her.  “Thanks McDougal,” he snapped.

Freddie popped out of my omnitool (we’d been given them back so that we could contact our families if we wanted to).  “You have a new message, dipshit,” it said.

“Thanks, Freddie,” I said.  I opened my email site on the omnitool.  “It’s our marks,” I said, a nervous tremor in my voice.

There was a mad scramble as the others opened their emails.  I skipped through the boring demographics and came to the marks. 

“’Asari-98%,’” I read to myself.  “’Combat-92%.  Communication-95%.  First aid-80%.  Fitness-86%.  History-80%.  Mathematics-76%.  Navigation-81%.  Protocol-93%.  Reconnaisance-81%.  Salarian-97%.  Tech-85%.  Weapons and armoury-100%.’”

At the bottom of the report it said that I had placed third in the pod and fourth in the year.  “How did y’all do?” I asked the others, looking up.

“Above average,” Ismaeel said, glaring at Cat who rolled her eyes.

I looked over Kaidan’s shoulder.  He had gotten above ninety five per cent for everything, except math, which he got eighty two per cent for.

“Well done,” I said, hugging him. 

..... 

The next day, I slept until nine o’clock, which, despite being earlier than when I got up as a civilian, was grossly excessive since I started training.  “Happy Remembrance Day,” Ismaeel said sleepily from his bunk, hearing me get up to go to the shower.

“Same to you,” I said.

I showered, dressed, and walked with Ismaeel (who was still in his pyjamas) to breakfast in the mess room.

“So, any particular remembrances?” I asked.

“Well, everyone that died in the radiation,” Ismaeel said.  “My grandparents, who died three years ago.  And my cousin, who died last year.  She was two.”

“What happened?” I asked quietly.

“Luckhoff’s Syndrome,” Ismaeel said.  “Well, she had Luckhoff’s Syndrome, but my aunt, her mother, chose to give her morphine to put her to sleep.”

“That’s brave,” I said.  “Not many mothers would choose to do something like that.”

“Yes,” Ismaeel said.

I pushed the door to the mess hall open and stopped short.

“Commander Anderson?” Ismaeel asked slowly.

He was slumped over one of the tables, but he sat up and slowly turned to us when he heard Ismaeel.  “Saddo, Ken,” he slurred, squinting at us.  “Happy mebance day.  May you have many more.”

“Thank you sir,” I said.  “Um, what are you doing here?”

“The bitch kicked me out,” he said blearily.  “Said I didn’t love her and the kids half as much as I love my recruits.  She dun’t know nothing.”

“So, you got drunk and came here?” I asked incredulously.  “That’s fucking pathetic.  At least go to a decent bar.”

“Don’t talk to me like that,” he said.  “I’m your manding officer.”

“Yeah, blow me,” I said.  I picked up the bottle next to him.  “A Frozen Pyjack?  For the love of God, couldn’t you at least have drunk something good?”

“Shep, what the hell are you doing?” Ismaeel hissed.

“Come on, this man doesn’t deserve to be called our commanding officer,” I said.  “A drunken old fart who would rather spend Remembrance Day in this hell-hole than with his wife and children?  I’d rather salute my parents’ murderer.  Come on, help me.”

I pulled at his one arms.  Ismaeel helped me get him upright, and together we half-carried half-dragged him to the shower room.  We dumped him in a stall and turned the shower on full.

Commander Anderson gave a strangled yell (the water temperature had not deviated at all that year).  “Holy mother of God, boy, are you trying to drown me?” he shouted.

“What an idea,” I mumbled.

“Shep, if I get twenty four hour stand-to because of you, I’m going to be so pissed off,” Ismaeel warned.

“Grow a set, Khan,” I said dismissively.  “I swear I have bigger balls than most of the males in this pod.”

“Finally hit puberty, have you, Ken?” Commander Anderson asked from the floor.

“I don’t think you’re really in the position to insult me at the moment, Anderson,” I snapped.

We got him dried and into a clean uniform.  We sat down with him for some coffee and breakfast.

“Sorry about that,” he mumbled, helping himself to some bacon.

“Whatever,” I said.  “Mrs Anderson really kicked you out?”

“Not that it’s any of your business, but yes,” Commander Anderson said.

“Ok, I just sobered you up,” I said.  “I think I have the right to speak freely here.”

“That’s not the right way to make that request,” Commander Anderson snapped.

I sighed.  “Permission to speak freely, sir,” I said.

“No,” he said.

“Tough nuts to you then, I’m going to do it anyway,” I said.  “Now, this will be the only that I’m actually going to talk about this kind of thing, so enjoy it while it lasts.  My father was a complete asshole.  When he wasn’t bemoaning the fact that I pretty much suck as a person, he was telling me how I was making Jesus cry.  For quite a while, I thought that all fathers are the scum of the galaxy, because the only other comparisons I had were Ashley’s father, who pretended she didn’t exist, and my grandfather, who was an abusive alcoholic.”

“Cry me a river, Ken,” Commander Anderson said.

I glared at him.  “Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that, whilst you might not be the most pleasant individual in the galaxy and I potentially hate your guts and fantasise about shaving off all your body hair whilst you are asleep, you are a terrific father, and leaving would be the cruellest thing you could do to your children,” I said.  “Apologies for the run-on sentences by the way.”

He scowled at me.  “Don’t tell me how to live my life, boy,” he snapped.

“All I’m saying is that if you’re even half the man you claim to be, you’d fight for your family,” I snapped back.  “You’d do what my father never did, and stick by your children, your wife, even through this crisis.”

“Has anyone ever told you that you talk too much, Ken?” Commander Anderson asked.

“Yes,” I said somewhat sulkily.

“To family,” Ismaeel said in an obvious attempt to ease the tension.

“Been dipping into my frozen pyjack, Saddo?” Commander Anderson asked.

“No, sir,” Ismaeel said.  “I’m Muslim.”

..... 

The final day of the holiday we were all given twenty four hour shore leave.  Kaidan and I had originally debated whether or not we would join Ash and her family in Cape Town, but decided that we might as well spend some quality time alone away from the army, in Seattle.  We visited his family first.

“Did you have a good Remembrance Day?” his mother asked as we sipped tea on the balcony.

“It was fairly entertaining, but I hear that it was far more fun in Pod 3,” Kaidan said.  “Did you all have stuff to eat?”

“The social worker from the street shelter brought us a food parcel,” Mrs Alenko said.  “So, tell me about your marks.”

“I did really well, Mom,” Kaidan said.  “The best I’ve ever done at anything.”

“He came top in our year,” I put in.

“Oh, my baby, I’m so proud of you,” Mrs Alenko said fondly.  “I’m so glad you’re doing so well.”

Kaidan looked very pleased with himself.  “Yeah, me too,” he said.  “I’ve never been top of anything before, eh.”

“Except the ten girls you fucked in the past four years,” Abbie said slyly from the corner of the balcony.

“Watch your mouth,” Kaidan snapped.

“Abbie, don’t talk to your brother like that,” Mrs Alenko said.  She turned back to Kaidan.  “Speaking of, though, where’s the blonde girl with the beautiful legs?”

“Who, Ash?” Kaidan asked.  “In Cape Town with her half-sisters.  Her legs aren’t that beautiful though.”

“No, her legs are beautiful, Kay,” Abbie said.

“They aren’t,” Kaidan said.

“No, they really are,” I said.  “Nice effort though.”

He rolled his eyes.  “Anyway, you aren’t sleeping with her, are you?” his mother asked.

“Definitely not,” Kaidan said fervently.

“And are you and Jane sleeping together?” Mrs Alenko asked.

“Ma’am, you have my word that Kaidan and I have never done the dirty,” I said.  “Not that I wouldn’t want to.  Your son is very good-looking.”

“Yes, he is,” Mrs Alenko said.  “You’re not gay, are you?”

“Mom,” Kaidan complained.

“Just asking, sweetie,” Mrs Alenko said.  “If I was seventeen and not your mother, I’d have sex with you.”

..... 

“Sorry about my mom,” Kaidan said as we rode bus to the movie theatre.  “She used to be a prostitute.  She still thinks about sex a lot.”

“She used to be a-?” my voice trailed off.  I cleared my throat noisily.  “Um, I don’t really know how to respond to that.”

“Well, how should I respond to the fact that your mother was a bridge-commander?” he asked irritably.

“You got me there, Alenko,” I said.

He sighed.  “Look, I know my family isn’t normal,” he said.  “But we love each other and look out for each other, and that’s the sort of thing families do, right?”

“Yeah,” I said.  “You have no idea how lucky you are.”

“So, what do you feel like watching?” he asked.  “I think our options at the moment are Blasto 2 and Fleet and Flotilla.”

“Fleet and Flotilla is the quarian-turian love story, right?” I asked.  He nodded.  “Definitely Blasto 2,” I said decisively.

“I agree,” Kaidan said, sounding relieved.  “Rogue hanar Spectres and their elcor sidekicks.  What could be better?”

..... 

“God, I love Blasto,” I sighed.  “He’s the best hero in the galaxy at the moment.”

“Better than me?” Kaidan asked.  We were leaving the movie theatre.  The movie had been even funnier and sharper than the first.  “Don’t forget I held up a biotic bubble for seven hours to keep you and Tobrin alive.”

“Of course you’re a hero,” I said.

“Just not as big a one as Blasto,” Kaidan said.

“Right,” I said.  “He and Bubin prevented a nuclear reactor meltdown on the volus homeworld, and at the same time stopped a war from breaking out among the salarians and the vorcha.”

“Have you ever seen any of these species?” Kaidan asked.

“Sure,” I said.  “There’s a bunch of them on the Citadel.  Not that many vorcha as they are Terminus species, but plenty of volus, hanar and salarians.  Why do you ask?”

“I’ve only ever seen turians,” Kaidan admitted.  “We had a few turians training us on Jump Zero, but that’s it.  What are the other species like?”

“I’ve never really spoken to that many of the other species,” I said.  “Elcor are awesome.  They have very subtle vocal inflictions and body-language that anyone that isn’t an elcor can’t understand, so they have to use adverbs to describe what they’re feeling.”

“That’s why Bubin kept saying things like ‘sarcastically: because you were smart enough to work that out on your own’?” Kaidan asked.

“Yep,” I said.  “If you speak to them long enough you start sounding like that.  The hanar are super polite.  They never ever use the first person, and never swear.  Like, if you wanted to say ‘are you fucking with me?’ you’d say, ‘are you engaging in reproductive activities with this one?’.”

Kaidan laughed.  “It kind of loses its bite,” he said.

“Totally,” I agreed.  “The vorcha are dumb as a bag of horse-shit.  They also have really screechy voices that get kind of annoying after a while.  The salarians are seriously smart though.  They have cognitive processing that is something like three times faster than ours.  The volus seem to be only interested in making a profit, but I guess that’s not true about all of them.”

“I want to meet other species,” Kaidan said.

“You will,” I said.  “One of the perks of this job.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan said.  “So, what do you want to do now?”

I spotted a chemist across the road.  “Wait here,” I said.

I ran across the road and into the chemist.  I’d never done anything like this, and I felt my cheeks redden as I slapped the six pack of condoms onto the counter.  The shop keeper looked at me.

“What do you want to do with these, love?” she asked.

“I want to fill it with oil and chuck them at the neighbour’s cat,” I said, innocently.  She raised her eyebrows.  “What the hell do you think I want to do with them?” I snapped.  “I want to have sex, obviously.”

“Aren’t you a bit young for that sort of thing?” she asked.

“I’m seventeen,” I said.  “I’ve been legally allowed to have sex for the past year.”

“Uh huh,” the shopkeeper said, sounding unimpressed.  “Can I see your identity bracelet?”

“Of course,” I said, holding my wrist out.  “Did you think I was playing dress-up or something?”

“You’d be surprised at how many children do the whole ‘dress up as a soldier’ thing,” the shopkeeper said, examining my bracelet. 

“And yet we are still hectically understaffed,” I sighed.

“Very well, ma’am, you are legally entitled to have sex,” the shopkeeper said.  “That’ll be ten credits please.”

I paid, stowed the condoms into my BOL and left.

“What were you buying?” Kaidan asked.

“Stuff,” I said, innocently.  “Let’s get a motel room.”

..... 

We found a very seedy motel in the international district.  We signed ourselves in as Mr and Mrs Jasper Rutger (a character from Moonshine, my favourite book).  The receptionist never bothered to check us on the database, or examine our bracelets.  “Room five,” was all he said.

Room five was a small, damp room with a sagging bed and pealing wallpaper.

“Well, this is romantic,” Kaidan remarked.  “I suppose the critters can watch.”

“Sorry, but do I look like I’m made of credits?” I asked.

He kissed me.  “It doesn’t matter,” he said.  We kissed again.  “Wait,” he said.  “Before we do this, are you sure?”

“I have condoms,” I said.  “The shopkeeper thought I was playing dress-up and I had to explain to her the many uses of condoms.  I’m sure.”

“Ok,” Kaidan said.  “I need to use the bathroom.  My datapad’s in my BOL and it’s got some music on it if you want.”

He went into the bathroom and I took the datapad out.  It was open on a familiar-looking game.  “You play Candyland?” I called in surprise.

“Guilty as charged,” Kaidan called back.  “I know it’s really old, but it’s awesome.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I said.  “Jean, Ash and I would play it when we were waiting to jump into FTL to pass through a relay.”

“Honey, I love it when you talk dirty, but what the hell did you just say?” Kaidan asked, coming into the room.

“FTL stands for faster than light,” I explained.  “It can take a while to reach that speed, and the ship can lose atmosphere during this time or fuck with your inertia, so you need to be strapped-oh my God.”  Kaidan gave me a quizzical look.  “I can’t believe I never thought of this sooner,” I gasped.

“Yeah, me neither,” Kaidan said, looking confused.  I scrambled off the bed and pulled my datapad out of my BOL.  “You don’t like my music?” he asked.

“I’m sure it’s great,” I said absently, opening the video footage of the Hugo Grayson’s last minutes.  “Look here,” I said to Kaidan, holding the datapad out to Kaidan.

“What am I looking at Jane?” he asked impatiently.

“Look in Jean’s hand,” I said.  “I knew I was missing something.  She has her datapad in her hand.  She was playing a game or something.”

“Oh,” Kaidan said, obviously not having a clue what I was talking about.

“You know what this means, right?” I asked.

“Your sister was playing Candyland without you?” Kaidan asked.

“No, you goose,” I said.  “I can get Jean’s datapad from our lawyer.  The datapad was connected to the ship’s network.  We can hack its history and work out where the signal that ordered them to land came from and who issued it.”

“That is brilliant, Jane,” Kaidan said.

“Let me call Mr Hummel,” I said.  I dialled his omnitool number.

“Hans Hummel,” he said.

“Mr Hummel,” I said.  “I know it’s late.  This is Jane Shepard, by the way, Jordan and Jin Shepard’s youngest daughter.  You gave me the contents of their will in December.”

“Ah yes, Miss Shepard,” he said.  “How can I help you?”

“This is kind of an emergency,” I said.  “Do you perhaps have my sister’s old datapad?  It’s very important.”

“It’s at my office,” he said.  “Would you like to make an appointment to come and fetch it?”

“I need to be back at Del Sol tomorrow at six AM sol,” I said.  “Can I fetch it from you now?”

“Miss Shepard-,”

“Please,” I said pleadingly.  “Did I mention it’s an emergency?”

“Fine,” he said.  “I’ll be there in half an hour.”

“Thank you so much,” I said.  I hung up.  “Let’s get a cab,” I said.

..... 

Hans Hummel was already waiting for us when we reached his office.  “This is my friend, Senior Recruit Kaidan Alenko,” I said.  “Kaidan, this is my family lawyer, Hans Hummel.  Mr Hummel, thank you so much for doing this for me.”

“I suppose you won’t tell me what this emergency is?” he asked.

“No, sir, I can’t,” I said.

“Very well, you’d better come up then,” he said.

Kaidan looked around the office.  “Wow, a lot of cows died to make this place look like this,” he remarked.

“It’s not real leather,” I said I an undertone.

Hans Hummel ignored us both and opened the safe.  “Your sister’s datapad, you say?” he asked.

“Yes sir,” I said.

“Here you are,” he said.  “I need you to sign for it.”

“Of course,” I said.  “Oh, Commander Anderson denied my request for my father’s pistol.  I graduate in a year though, so I’ll be allowed to get it then.”

“Your father left you a gun?” Kaidan asked.

“He was like that,” I said, signing on the datapad Hans Hummel held out to me.

“No kidding,” Kaidan mumbled.

“Thank you so much for this, Mr Hummel,” I said.  “Enjoy the rest of your evening.”

“I will,” he answered.  “I plan on eating steak for dinner.”

“You’re pretty into cows aren’t you?” I asked.  “I’ll see you soon.”

..... 

We walked to Freeway Park, which was across the road from the lawyer’s office, and sat down on a bench.  I handed Kaidan the datapad.  “Can you hack it?” I asked.

“Should be able to,” he murmured.  “Give me a sec.”

He started the datapad up and started typing into it.  “I’m in,” he said a few minutes later.  “Wow, your sister had a lot of files on this.”

“It’s a very old datapad,” I said.  “I saved all my pocket money to buy myself a new one, but she just spent hers on Loops.”  Loops was a special type of asari sweet, that was very hard to find and therefore incredibly expensive.

“I’ve never had Loops,” Kaidan murmured.

“I know what to get you for your birthday then,” I said, grinning.  “See if you can access the ship’s network.”

“They’ll have shut it down by now,” Kaidan said.  “I can see if I can get hold of the network history though.”

“Will that show you incoming signals?” I asked.

“Should do,” Kaidan said.  “It’ll be encrypted on this datapad, but I might be able to read it.”

“You’d think the Alliance would have its channels better secured,” I remarked.

“The channels are very well secured actually,” Kaidan said.  “If Jean’s datapad hadn’t been accepted into the ship’s network by the ship’s com officer, there’s no way I would be able to get this information.  Here we go.  It will have been the last signal sent to the ship, right?”

“Most likely,” I said.

“Wow,” Kaidan murmured.  “That’s weird.”

“What’s weird?” I asked.

“I have the signal here, but it looks strange,” he said.

I looked over his shoulder.  “What’s so weird about that?” I asked.  “It looks like any other signal.”

“No,” Kaidan said.  “That bit shouldn’t be so pointy, and the signal’s on a funny frequency.  We learnt about this sort of thing at tech academy.”  He activated his omnitool.  “I have a bunch of signals on here,” he explained.  “Maybe I can match them.”

“Wait, Kaidan, look at who sent the commands,” I said, reading the codes underneath the signal.  “139853N7.”

“So, the person who disabled the radiation sensors at Del Sol is the same person that commanded your ship to land, vented it, opened the airlocks and resealed it?” Kaidan asked.

“Looks like,” I said.  “I bet it’s also the same commander that sabotaged those other ships.”

“Here we are,” Kaidan said.  “Yeah, as I thought.  The signal is old.  Really old.”

“How old?” I asked.

He shrugged.  “One hundred and fifty years old, if not older,” he said.  “In 2020 Apple started inventing the first Quantum Entangler Communicator to send more data further and faster.  It worked on a much higher frequency than the terminal that sent this.”

“But that’s impossible,” I said.  “The Hugo Grayson received this last year.”

“I know,” Kaidan said.  “That’s what’s weird.  The signal itself isn’t old.  It isn’t something that’s ticked over or anything, and it uses modern Alliance protocols.  Also, there have been significant changes made to the signal so that it can travel through the com buoys to reach the ship in seconds.”

“There are tons of antique terminals in the galaxy though,” I said.  “Can you narrow the make down?”

“Yeah, one second,” Kaidan said.  He frowned down at his omnitool.  “It’s a Dell,” he said.  “Maybe very early twenty first century make.”  He looked up at me.  “No way,” he whispered.

“You said the terminal that disabled the sensors was at Del Sol,” I said.  “Besides, an empty room is the perfect place for nefarious purposes.  No one would know.”

“We need to get back to Del Sol,” Kaidan said.  “I want to see if we have the right computer.”

“Can you do that?” I asked.

He nodded.  “Terminal and computer signals are sort of like finger prints if you know what to look for,” he said.

“Ship signatures too,” I said.  He stared at me.  “I’ll call a cab, shall I?”

“You do that,” he said.

..... 

It was close to midnight when we got back to Del Sol.  The academy appeared to be deserted.  All the staff had taken shore leave too.  We saw no one on our walk to the empty room.

“I still can’t believe the screens were so big,” I remarked as Kaidan started the old computer up.

“I suppose in the old days, size did matter,” Kaidan said.  “Wow, this is slow.”

The computer did seem to take a while to start up.  Eventually it gave a loud tinny tune and the screen lit up blue.  “Ok, a universal server,” Kaidan mumbled.  “I wonder what this computer is normally used for.”

“Can you get in?” I asked.  He gave me a look.  “Right, dumb question,” I mumbled. 

“I’m busy writing a universal hack code,” Kaidan said as he typed into the computer’s keyboard, which for some reason wasn’t attached to the screen.  “If it works, it’ll be able to hack any code in the galaxy.”

“What will you do with it?” I asked.

He shrugged.  “Sell it to the underworld and live off the profits,” he said.  He frowned at the screen.  “This is definitely the same computer that sent the signal to the Hugo Grayson,” he said.  “The memory banks have been scrubbed.  Whoever did this must be a tech expert.  There’s no record that this computer was used for anything it shouldn’t be.”

“What is on the computer?” I asked.

“Porn, some music, and a bunch of really old games,” Kaidan said.  “Dragon Age Origins.  Dragon Age Two.  Inquisition.  Bioshock.  Warcraft.  Halo.  No Man Sky.  Overwatch.”

“All from the early twenty first century,” I said.

Kaidan turned to me.  “How do you know that?” he asked.

“Jason loves old games,” I explained.  “He reprograms the graphics, then plays them.”  I put my arms around Kaidan.  “Thank you,” I said.

“Yes, well, I can’t exactly deny you, can I?” he asked.

“I guess,” I said.  “I’m sorry though, I ruined what was meant to be a romantic evening.”

“Ah yes, you, me, and the bed bugs and fleas,” Kaidan laughed.  He kissed me.  “It’s alright,” he said.  “We’re bound to have another chance somewhere in the future.”

I kissed him back.  “You know, I still have condoms in my bag,” I said.  “You could, you know, slip one on, and then, well…oh God, I really suck at dirty talk.  Can we have sex please?”

“So polite, Jane,” Kaidan said.  “Whatever you want.”


	15. Chapter fourteen: September to October: my new recruits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The new junior recruits start, including one from the Terminus Systems, who seems sure to test Jane and Ismael's patience. Meanwhile, Cat and Kaidan continue to set a very high standard of work around the academy.

I woke up very early the next morning, on the floor of the empty room.  Kaidan’s arms were wrapped tightly around me, as if he would never let go.  I did a quick inventory of my body.  Quite stiff, but in a good way, sore down in the nether regions and a dull ache in my stomach.  All in all, not bad.

“Kaidan,” I whispered.

“Mph,” he mumbled.  “What’s up?”

“It’s half past five,” I said.  “We need to pretend to return from shore leave.”

He stretched.  “How do you feel?” he asked.

“Pretty good actually,” I said.  “You?”

“Amazing,” he said.  He kissed me somewhere near my ear.

“Did you enjoy last night?” I asked, feeling foolishly shy.

“Did I ever,” he answered.  “You were well worth the wait.  Did I hurt you badly though?”

“It wasn’t too terrible,” I said.  “The first time’s supposed to hurt in any case, and our parents are supposed to check our sheets to make sure this really happened.  Come on, we’ve got recruits to meet.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me,” he said.  He untangled his limbs from mine.  “God you’re beautiful,” he said.  “What did I do right to get you?”

“Stop being silly, Kaidan,” I said primly. 

“You know me, Janey,” he said.  “Just a big old jester.  Now, get dressed before I decide to use the rest of those condoms up.  Did you like that thing I did with my biotics?”

“Very much,” I grinned, getting up.

..... 

“So, Senior Recruits, the time has come,” Admiral Greyling said.  “In a few hours the newest batch of grunts will be arriving fresh from their parents’ houses.  It is important that you do not give them the chance to settle in.  If they settle in, they will become complacent, and if they become complacent they will grow to like it here, and if they grow to like things, they will not fight as well.”

“You know, this man is speaking complete bollocks,” I whispered in Kaidan’s ear.  “People fight best for something they believe in.”

“Who knew,” Kaidan mumbled.

“So, when these grunts arrive, you keep the heat on and you keep it on good,” Admiral Greyling went on.  “Has everyone set up dorms for the grunts?”

“Sir yes sir,” we chorused like a well-rehearsed choir.

“Good,” Admiral Greyling said.  “Now, Pod 1 will be meeting for the first time in the gymnasium, Pod 2 in the command centre, Pod 3 on the shooting range, Pod 4 in the armoury, Pod 5 in the med bay, and Pod 6 in the warehouse.  Remember, keep them scared, make them hate us, and make them wish they were at home.  Dismissed.”

“Good luck,” I said to Kaidan.

“Why do I need luck?” Kaidan asked in confusion. 

“You know, for-never mind,” I said.  “Come on, Khan.”

“Right behind you, Shep,” Ismaeel said.

I was feeling somewhat nostalgic on my walk to the shooting range.  “Do remember our first day here?” I asked Ismaeel.  “Feels so much longer than a year ago.”

“Yeah,” Ismaeel said.  “Allah, I was terrified.  All I knew about Del Sol was that the training was horrible and had a high death rate.  You’re so lucky you had a friend with you.”

“I know,” I said.  “I can’t imagine having come here alone.”

“I’m not sure how I feel about this,” Ismaeel admitted.  “I remember how miserable the seniors made my life last year.  Do I really want to put these recruits through the same thing?”

“Do you think we have a choice?” I asked.

“We always have a choice,” Ismaeel said.  “Even if we don’t like it.”

“Ok, let’s look at it like this then,” I said.  “Who’s your favourite trainer here?”

There was a long pause.  “Anderson,” Ismaeel said at last.

“Uh huh,” I said.  “Why?”

“Well, because he may be the biggest bastard to walk this galaxy, but at least he’s the same bastard to everyone,” he said.  “You know, he doesn’t have favourites or anything.  Also, he brings the best performance out of everyone and makes us believe that we can do better.”

“Then that is what we need to strive for with our grunts,” I said.

I pushed the door to the shooting range open and stepped inside.  Twelve pairs of eyes swivelled to stare at us.  I felt something akin to stage-fright.

After what seemed like an eternity, Ismaeel said, “Hello Pod 3 grunts and welcome to…uh…Pod 3.”

“For Christ sake, let me do the talking,” I mumbled.

“Gladly,” he mumbled.

“Grunts, of Pod 3, my name is Senior Recruit Jane Shepard, and this is Senior Recruit Ismaeel Khan,” I said.  “We are the officers for this pod, which basically means if one of us tells you to jump, you ask how high.  Is that clear?”

“Yes ma’am,” the grunts chorused uncomfortably.

“Really?” I asked.  “I somehow don’t believe you.  Hey, you with the expensive clothes and the dark-Kasuumi?”

Kasuumi was standing nonchalantly in the middle of my grunts.  “Hey, Shep,” she said calmly.  I had no idea my badass nickname had made its way to junior recruits that hadn’t even had their BOL ceremony yet.  “Long time no see.”

“I guess,” I said.  “What are you doing here?”

“I’m here to learn all it is to become a marine,” she answered.  “Where’s Kaidan?”

“He’s been transferred to another Pod,” I said.  “Anyway, now that Kasuumi has ruined my motivating speech, let’s get right to it.  Khan?”

“Right,” Ismaeel said.  “We want to get to know you a bit better, so when we call your name, you’ll sing the national anthem of your country of origin.”

“Way to be motivational, Khan,” I mumbled.  I cleared my throat.  “Y’all need to guess which country the national anthem comes from,” I said.  “If you guess wrong, you drop for ten.  If someone guesses right, the singer drops for ten.”

“And that was what you call motivational?” Ismaeel mumbled.  He glanced down at the datapad with the names of the grunts on the list.  “Nicos Anistropolus?”

A dark haired, very good-looking boy stepped forward.

“Segnoriso apo tin Kopsi tou spathiou tin tromeri;  Segnoriso apo tin opsi pou me via metra tin yi,” he sang.

“Cyprus,” a blonde boy called.

Obviously this group was more intelligent than the last.  Nicos shook his head and continued singing.  The blonde dropped for ten.

“Ap ta Kokkala vyalmeni ton ellinon ta iera,” the dark boy continued.  “Ke san prot' anthriomeni haire o hair'eleftheria.”

“Australia,” a dark girl called.

Or not.

Nicos shook his head and continued singing.

“Sorry, just hold it Anistropolus,” I said.  “You, lady with the trampy clothes.  You need to do push-ups.”

“I don’t know how to do that,” the girl said. 

“Sweet mother of God, what do you mean you don’t know how to do that?” I asked.  “You’re in the marines for heaven’s sake.”

“No one taught me,” the girl said.

“Khan, please can you teach tramp here how to do push-ups?” I said.  “Anistropolus, continue please.”

“Ke san prot' anthriomeni haire o hair'eleftheria,” Nicos continued.  “Ke san prot' anthriomeni haire o hair'eleftheria.”

“Greece,” the blonde boy said.

“Yes,” Nicos said, dropping.

“Right, Marquez here is ready to demonstrate her push-ups,” Ismaeel said.

“That was quick,” I said.

“Yeah, she knows how to do them, she just called them pushies,” Ismaeel said, rolling his eyes.

“Go for it, trampy,” I said.

When she was done, I looked down at the list.  “Colin Brown,” I said.

“New Zealand,” a small boy began.

“New Zealand,” everyone said.

“Wow, this seems familiar,” I said.  “Go for it, Brown.  Kasuumi Dranne.”

“Gahadosh mej-Kahje,” she began.

“Germany,” the third girl said.  Kasuumi shook her head.

“La-eski matreg jahuka,” she continued.

“Russia,” a very tall boy said.  Kasuumi shook her head.

“Mahishk gematrik maje-Kahje,” she went on.

“Wait,” the blonde boy said.  “Let’s look at this logically.  Who is she?”

“What do you mean, who am I?” Kasuumi asked.

“Dranne, keep singing,” Ismaeel ordered.

“She’s Kasuumi Dranne,” another of the boys said.

“Right,” the blonde boy said.  “She’s famous for what?”

“For being super sexy,” Nicos said, leering at Kasuumi.

“Get lost, you creep,” Kasuumi snapped.

“Apart from that,” the blonde boy said.

“People, what the hell is going on here,” I said loudly.  “This is the marines.  You aren’t required to be able to think logically.”

“She’s the first human hybrid,” the blonde boy said.

“Yeah, human and drell,” the third girl said.  “Which means she’s singing the national anthem for the drell homeworld, Rakhana.”

“Rakhana doesn’t exist anymore,” Kasuumi snapped.

“The drell destroyed the planet two centuries ago,” the blonde boy said patiently.  “They farmed it to pieces, and when they were done with that, they bombed what was left, but not before the hanar came and evacuated-how many of you?”

“One hundred thousand,” Kasuumi said.

“One hundred thousand,” the boy repeated.  “Now all the drell that are left live on the hanar homeworld, Kahje.”

“Which means she’s singing the hanar national anthem,” Colin said triumphantly.

“For Christ’s sake, I want you all to give me twenty for being annoying and ignoring me,” I snapped.

There was a collective groan as they all dropped down.  “Dranne, I want the additional ten from you,” I said.  “Good work on figuring that out though, I would never have thought as logically about it.”  They stood up.  “Right, I have no idea how to pronounce this next name,” I said.  “Arth-war Fforde?”

“Arthur,” a stocky, barrel-chested boy said.

“Pardon?” Ismaeel asked.

“It’s pronounced Arthur,” the boy said.

“Why the hell is there a W in that name then?” I asked.

“It’s Welsh,” Arthwr said.  “My family is Wel-oh bugger.”

“Khan, how should we react to that?” I asked.

“Twenty,” Ismaeel said.

“Very well,” I said.  “Twenty push-ups, Fforde.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Arthwr said.

“Huang Lin,” Ismaeel said.

“China,” the blonde boy said.

“What leap of logic brought you there?” I asked.

“Well, he’s Asian looking,” the boy said.

“Is he right, Lin?” Ismaeel asked.

“No,” Huang said.

“Well, then give us ten, Blondie, and zip the lip,” I said.  “Take it away, Lin.”

“Kimigayo wa,” Huang began.  “Chiyo ni yachiyo ni.”

“Vietnam,” the dark girl said.  Huang shook his head.

“Pushies, tramp, pushies,” I said.

“Sazareishi no,” Huang continued.

 “Japan,” Kasuumi said.  Huang nodded.

“Maria Marquez,” I said.

“I don’t remember what I’m supposed to do,” the dark girl said.

“Oh God, they would put the biggest grunt twit in my pod,” I said.  “You need to sing your national anthem.”

“I don’t know what my national anthem is,” Maria said.  “I come from Noveria.”

“Spain,” everyone chorused.

“No, I’m not Spanish,” Maria said.

“Portuguese then,” the blonde boy said.

“Yeah, that’s right,” Maria said.

“Pushies, Marquez, pushies,” I said.

“Hassan Maseni,” Ismaeel said.

“Qolobaa calankeed, waa ceynoo, Innaga keenu waa,” Hassan sang.  “Cirkoo kale ee.”

“Egypt,” Arthwr said.  Hassan shook his head.  Arthwr dropped down.

“Oon caadna lahayn,” Hassan continued.  “Ee caashaqaye.”

“Sudan,” the remaining girl said.  Hassan shook his head.

Ismaeel rolled his eyes.  “Somalia,” he said.

“Yeah,” Hassan said in relief.

“Khan, you’re missing the point,” I said. 

“You know how many Arabic countries there were on the home-world?” Ismaeel asked. “We would have been here all day, and we still need to show them to the pod and take them to the assembly in the control centre.”

“Whatever,” I said.  “Diego Montoyo.  Did someone kill your father?”

“Huh?” Diego asked.

“You know, from The Princess Bride, one of the chara-never mind,” I said.

“I’m from Skyllia,” Diego said.  “A group of batarians murdered my entire family.”

“Oh,” I said, blushing.  “Uh, I’m sorry for your loss.”

He glared at me and started singing.  “Oíd, mortales, el grito sagrado: ‘¡Libertad! ¡Libertad! ¡Libertad!’  Oíd el ruido de rotas cadenas ved en trono a la noble igualdad.”

“Uruguay,” Colin guessed.  Diego shook his head and Colin dropped down.

A short, dark boy clicked his tongue.  “Argentina,” he said.

Diego nodded and dropped down.

“Padme Naidoo,” Ismaeel said.

“Really?” Nicos asked.  “With a name like that, you really want us to guess.”

“I might surprise you,” Padme said, smiling alluringly.  “Who says my name means I come from where you think I do?”

“You’re Indian, aren’t you?” Hassan asked.

“Yeah,” Padme said.

“Total shambles, as per usual,” I said.  “Naidoo, Anistropolus and Maseni, give me twenty each.”

“Goddamnit,” Nicos mumbled, dropping down.

“Alrighty then,” Ismaeel said.  “Geoffrey O’Connor.”

The blonde boy stepped forward and cleared his throat.

“’I get knocked down, I get up again,’” he sang.  “’Ain’t never gonna keep me down.  I get knocked down, I get up again-.’”

“America,” Maria shouted.

“Gods, you’re stupid,” Kasuumi said. “Shep, please can I not get paired with her for anything.”

“’Ain’t never gonna keep me down,’” Geoffrey continued.

“Sweet Jesus boy, what are you doing?” I asked.

“What?” Ismaeel asked.

“That’s a Chumbawamba song,” I said.  “One of my favourites, incidentally, but still definitely not the Irish national anthem.”

“I’m on strike,” Geoffrey announced.

“On strike for what?” I asked.  “You only just got here.”

“I’m against the Alliance,” Geoffrey said.  “I believe that everyone should have their freedom to privacy and their freedom to information and their freedom to say what they want.  I’m also against the Alliance military.”

“But you’re with the Alliance military,” Ismaeel pointed out.  “What’s the point of joining with the military if you’re against it?”

“Because, if I can convince my fellows to side with me and leave the Alliance, then the Alliance might here our pleas,” Geoffrey said earnestly.

“You’re clearly cooked,” I said.  “Why don’t you go run around the range twenty times and think exactly what you’re trying to say.”  He folded his arms.  “Now boy, before I order some of the less-caring seniors to give you a bog-wash, and don’t for a moment think I’m bluffing.”

He started walking leisurely around the range.  I sighed.  “Why are we letting people from the Terminus Systems in now?” I asked no one in particular.  The Terminus Systems was a set of star systems that housed individuals who had left Council or their home-worlds’ space, in an effort to forge it on their own.  This system worked well as people were afforded more freedoms.  However, they also had no military to protect them should the worst happen, and minor wars were often fought between the different worlds within these systems.

“Run, boy, or you stay here tonight,” I shouted.  “I don’t mind, it’ll give me time to catch up on my reading.”

He glared at me, and eventually started running.  “Right, then,” Ismaeel said.  “Jacques Sante.”

An incredibly black boy stepped forward.  “Zairois dans la paix retrouvee peuple uni, nous sommes Zairois en avant fier et plein de dignite,” he sang. “Peuple grand, peuple libre a jamais tricolore enflamme nous du feu sacre pour batir notre pays toujours plus beau.” 

“Congo,” Padme said boredly.  The game was no longer fun.

“Pablo Videl,” I said.

The final boy stepped forward and said nothing.  “I thought we’d been through this,” Ismaeel said.  “You have to sing your national anthem.”

“My national anthem doesn’t have words,” Pablo said.

“Spain,” Diego said.  “Everybody knows that their national anthem doesn’t have words.”

“I didn’t know that,” Maria said.

“That’s probably because you don’t appear to have much in the area of, well, brains,” Colin said quietly.

“Well, now that that is finally out of the way, we need to take in your omnitools,” I said.  I held my hand up as eleven grunts opened their mouths in protest.  “I don’t want to hear ifs, I don’t want to hear buts, I just want the omnitools.”

“You probably noticed that omnitools don’t work here,” Ismaeel said as I went around with a box.  “That’s because the Alliance has kindly messed the satellite links up just enough for omnitool signals not to work.”

“Yeah, the Alliance wants to control us in all ways,” Geoffrey panted, running up to us.  “That includes who we communicate with.”

“Oh joy, he’s back,” I said.  “Omnitool, bub.  Don’t make me ask again.”

“You don’t have to do this, you know,” Geoffrey said.  “You don’t have to be the pawn of the controllers.”

“Yeah, instead I can punch you in the nose,” I said.  “Now give me your damn omnitool, or I’m putting you on all-night stand-to.  I think it would be the fastest time ever that a junior recruit gets put on stand-to.”

He sighed and unstrapped his omnitool.  “Good work,” I said.  “Come on Khan, let’s show them home.”

I’d naturally gotten used to the heat, but I could see one or two of the grunts staggered as they stepped outside.  Ismaeel and I led the way across the compound to Pod 3.

“Welcome to hell,” I said.  “This place will be your castle for the next two years, so try to leave it in the same shit state you found it.”

Ismaeel opened the door.  “The mess hall,” he said, pointing.  “The food served there is occasionally edible, but I’ve never found it to be particularly tasty.”

“The rec room,” I said.  “You are, under no circumstances allowed to piss on the furniture.  Even if you’re drunk.”

“The senior dorm,” Ismaeel continued with the tour.  “You’re only allowed in there if you’re doing chores for us.  Otherwise, go in there and we’ll cut your heads off.”

“And finally, the gruntling dorm,” I said with a flourish, pushing the door to my old dorm open.  “Now, your names have allegedly been written on the lockers next to your beds.  Of course, if the dyslexic N1 has been here, you might find that you have been rechristened.”

“’Drain?’” Kasuumi read in disgust.

“Hey, it says here I’ve been made a saint,” Jacques called excitedly.

“’Anniestropeilous?’” Nicos sounded out.  “Oh god.”

“Yes well, you’ll find your uniforms on your beds, along with toiletries and bedding,” Ismaeel said.  “Get changed, pack your things away and make your beds.  Shep and I need to sort our own dorm out, and we expect you to be done when we get back.”

“That sucked,” I mumbled once the door was shut behind us.

“Yeah,” Ismaeel said.  “Trust us to get the fucking Terminus freak in our pod.”

“I know,” I said.  I opened the senior dorm.

“Shep,” Zac called.

Next thing I was flat on my back, someone blonde on top of me.  “Ash,” I gasped.  “The lungs haven’t miraculously cured themselves.  I can’t hold your weight up.”

“I missed you so much,” Ash laughed, getting up.

“We were separated for four weeks,” I said.  “It’s not as if it was a lifetime or anything.  You get too attached, woman.”

I got up.  “I know,” Ash said.  “It’s just, Cape Town was so amazing, and I still had fun even though it rained every day, and you had sex.”

“What?” Mikhail asked with interest.

“You had sex, Shep?” Bridget asked.

“Yeah,” I said, blushing.  “One night stand, you know how it is.”

“Not really,” Bridget said.

“I do,” Suang said.  “You had too much to drink and wake up next to a strange dude.”

“Uh, sure,” I said.  “How was the rest of y’all summer?”

“Boring,” Mikhail said.

“Sucked ass,” Bridget said.

“Shitty,” Zac said.

“Crap,” Kyle said.

“Terrible,” Suang said.

“It was summer?” Sven asked.

“Well, I had a good time,” Ash said.

“You’ve discovered you have more relatives than you thought you did, what’s not great about that?” Bridget asked.

“Just about everything, judging from my family,” Ismaeel said.

“So what are the new grunts like?” Pierre asked.

“Hopeless for the most part, although we seem to be keeping with the tradition of the village idiot,” I said. 

“Friend for Mahlberg, huh?” Ash asked.

“Something like that,” I said.

“We also have someone from the Terminus,” Ismaeel said.  “He’s here to turn us against the Alliance.”

“Oh for fuck sakes, we had finally turned this pod around, now we have to put up with this shit,” Pierre groaned.

“Who’s your ‘we’, Sonier, I don’t recall you winning any medals for us,” I said.

“Well, I was providing moral support,” Pierre said.  “Besides, nearly everyone who did win competitions has left the pod.  We just have Williams and you left.”

“So?” I asked.  “Ash can easily win the hand-to-hand competition, and I may actually win the marksmanship competition, since I am the best marksman in this joint.”  I looked at the clock.  “Khan, we need to go check on the grunts and kill them if necessary.”

..... 

“So, another year has begun,” Admiral Greyling said, raising his hands in a welcoming manor.  “To our new recruits, welcome to Del Sol Academy.  To our seniors, welcome back.  Now, before we begin, let us take a moment of silence for the people who have died in the war on Skyllia.”

I wondered if he began every year taking a moment of silence for someone who had died somewhere.  He must really suffer in the years with low casualty rates.  “And now, let us take a moment of silence for Old Man Johnson who died at the ripe old age of ninety eight.  He died peacefully in his sleep and was surrounded by daughter Sue and son Dave, and twenty three grandchildren.  He will be missed.”

“Thank you,” Admiral Greyling said.  “Our thoughts go with their families as well as the families of those left homeless by the war.  Now, it is time to welcome our instructors back.  Firstly, weapons and armoury will be taken by myself, Admiral Peter Greyling.”  We gave our customary, lukewarm applause.  I clapped particularly loudly.  “Admiral Stephan Hackett will once again take reconnaissance.”  Lukewarm applause once more for the old man in the suit.  “Admiral Tibbet Kahoku will be taking the junior recruits in combat and the senior recruits in combat tactics.”  We still weren’t sure about Admiral Kahoku, but he had managed to get everyone to pass with one or less.  We gave him lukewarm to warm applause.  “Commander David Anderson will once again be giving you all fitness.”  Commander Anderson had never been particularly kind to any of us, yet we found ourselves screaming and applauding. 

“So, you and Kaidan scored, huh?” Ash whispered in my ear as Admiral Greyling went on to introduce the rest of the trainers.

“Guess so,” I whispered back.

“How was it?” she asked quietly.

I found myself grinning.  “Really great,” I murmured.

She smiled.  “You’re sure about Kaidan then?” she whispered.

“I suppose,” I whispered.

She linked her arm through mine.  “You’re lucky,” she said somewhat wistfully.  “I was never sure of Pedro.”

..... 

That night, after we had put the grunts to bed, we had to go for our physicals.  No one was really certain why the physical had to be done at ten o’clock at night (no doubt it was thought up by some sadist out there with no wife and a lot of time).  All the senior recruits had to wait in a line outside the med bay whilst we were thoroughly examined by Dr Du Pre, after which we had to go into the social worker’s office to have a psych evaluation done by Elizabeth Fischer.

Kaidan was one of the first to be called in.  When he was done, he came and sat next to Ash and me.  “How are your grunts?” I asked.

“Awful,” he groaned.  “Such spoilt little shits.  I swear, they’re letting just about anyone into the marines these days.”

“Well, they have to,” I said.  “We’re severely short-staffed.”

“I suppose,” Kaidan said.  “McDougal is no bloody help, she’s a goddamned kiss-ass.  How’re your recruits?”

“Probably just as bad,” I said.  “Let’s see, I have a kid from the Terminus systems, someone who doesn’t even know her own national anthem, and Kasuumi Dranne.”

“You have Kasuumi?” Kaidan asked in horror.

“Yep,” I said.  “I’m in for a fun year.”

“You don’t understand,” Kaidan said.  “Kasuumi hates you.”

“Yeah, I got that sense,” I said.  “What exactly did you tell her about me?”

“Well, it’s more that I never really shut up about you,” Kaidan said.  “Have you told Ash what we found?”

“Please, spare me the gory details,” Ash mumbled.

“No, I haven’t,” I said.  “I was thinking we should maybe meet up when we’re done here.”

“This had better not be sordid,” Ash said.

I nudged her in the ribs.

..... 

Dr Du Pre was sitting behind his desk when I was called in.  “Ah, Shepard,” he said.  “How are you doing?”

“Well, thank you sir,” I answered, saluting.

“And the arm, is that doing well?” he continued.

“Yes sir,” I said.  “Although, it seems to have turned me into some sort of magnet.  Anyone who sees the scar instantly backs away.”

“Ah well, Shepard, you were lucky to survive.”

“Not if I can’t get a boyfriend, sir,” I said.

He didn’t seem to know how to respond to that, so instead he said, “Could you please remove your clothes and step onto the scale, Shepard?”

“No, I don’t mind if there’s no foreplay,” I said, undoing my bootlaces.

“Pardon me?” he asked.

“Forget it,” I mumbled.

..... 

“Well?” Ash asked when I re-emerged half-an-hour later.

“Clean bill of health,” I answered.  “Better yet, I’ve gained two pounds and my lungs are the best they’ve ever been.”

“That’s clean-living for you,” Kaidan said.

“Yeah, but I suspect that if a ninety year old one-armed deaf man with the Rot and Luckhoff’s Syndrome walked in there, he’d be given a clean bill of health,” I said.  “Elizabeth also says that I’m not insane, which is not quite the same as saying I’m sane, but there you are.”

Ash was called in an hour later.  By this stage it was half past one and everyone was wondering if we would get to bed before the rising siren.

“Healthy, but apparently still with the daddy-love issues,” Ash said, coming out half an hour later. 

“Surprised I haven’t received that diagnosis,” I said.  “Let’s blow this joint.”

“Stop with the damn innuendos,” Ash groaned.

Once in the empty room, Kaidan and I told her what we had learnt from Jean’s datapad.  “Alright, let me get this straight,” Ash said, frowning.  “The commander that disabled the sensors in December last year was the same commander that commanded the Hugo Grayson to land on Akresh last June?”

“Seems so,” I said.

“And the computer that the command was sent from was this twenty first century computer?” she continued, pointing at the Dell.

“Yup,” Kaidan said.

“Is there any way for us to find out if this was the computer that ordered the other ships to land?” Ash asked.

“No, the computer’s memory has been wiped clean,” Kaidan said.

“Kaidan reckons that whoever did this was a tech expert,” I said.

“He knew how to do this without leaving any trace,” Kaidan agreed.  He hesitated.  “Commander Anderson’s a tech expert.”

“He is?” I asked in amazement.

“His name’s on the Grissom Academy hall of fame,” Kaidan said.

“You were saying that he was speaking to Admiral Greyling about the fact that there might be a traitor in the Alliance,” Ash said unwillingly to me.  She liked Commander Anderson.

“Yeah,” I said.  “He seemed really convincing too.”

“Exactly,” Ash said.  “Anyway, why would he say anything about a traitor?  It’d give people ideas and whoever’s doing this would prefer that no one suspected him.”

“So you’re saying that Commander McDougal’s doing this?” Kaidan asked.

“Better him than Anderson,” Ash mumbled.

“Look, all we have is a code, a computer and someone who’s good at tech,” I said.  “That’s hardly compelling proof to condemn someone.  We need to keep looking.  Maybe we’ll get lucky and stumble across Commander Anderson or Commander McDougal’s code.”

..... 

It was strange waking up the next day and knowing that I would never be subject to the ritual torture that came from being a junior recruit.  The trainers may still treat us like crap, but at least I would be the one doling out the torture.  It felt good and strange at exactly the same time. 

Ismaeel and I had to get up half-an-hour earlier so that we could urge the grunts out of bed.  “I don’t know why I agreed to this,” Ismaeel mumbled as we walked to the showers.

“I personally never agreed to this,” I said.  “I just sort of went along with it.”

We got dressed and were waiting outside the grunt dorm with two minutes to spare.  “Are you ready to make twelve recruits’ lives a living hell, Senior Recruit Khan?” I asked.

“Gladly, Senior Recruit Shepard,” he answered.

The siren rang.  We slammed the door open.  “Wakey wakey, hands off snakey,” I said gleefully.

The recruits groaned.  “Come on, up you get,” Ismaeel said.  “You need to shower before breaking your fast.”

Eleven shapes dragged themselves unwillingly from bed.  The twelfth shape (which obviously belonged to Geoffrey) remained firmly in bed.

“Out of bed, O’Connor,” Ismaeel said.

“I have the right to stay in bed as long as I like,” Geoffrey said in a muffled voice from deep beneath his duvet.

“Yeah, and you have the responsibility to follow the rules of the organisation you are employed by,” Ismaeel said.  “On your feet now.”  Geoffrey remained stubbornly in bed.

Ismaeel dragged the covers from Geoffrey.  “I don’t think you want to show the galaxy how small your morning glory is boy,” he said flatly.  “On your feet now, or I will force you to take your boxers off.”

“You can’t do that,” Geoffrey said.

“Try me,” Ismaeel said in a quiet voice.  “You have ten seconds.”

Geoffrey glared stubbornly at Ismaeel, then dropped his gaze and got up.  “Everyone to the showers,” I said.

..... 

Geoffrey continued to make trouble throughout the day.  At breakfast, he sat at the table next to where Ash, Bridget, Zac and I were sitting, and could be heard telling the others how out in the Terminus systems one could eat whatever one wanted.  When Ismaeel and I took the grunts to have their hair cut, he said that he had the fundamental right to wear his hair in whatever fashion he wanted.  The barber listened, unimpressed, then ordered him to do fifty push-ups whilst singing the Alliance national anthem.

After this I had to endure Dr Du Pre asking Kasuumi, Maria and Padme about their sexual practices, and was somewhat alarmed to hear that Kasuumi lost her virginity when she was twelve, and that Maria had been eleven.

“So, Shepard, I heard a rumour that you lost your virginity two days ago via one night stand,” Dr Du Pre said as he was getting prescriptions out from his cupboard.

“Yes sir,” I said impassively.

“No longer requiring masturbation to satisfy yourself?” he asked.  The three girls looked at me.  I ignored him.

We took them to see Admiral Kahoku next, who gave them pretty much the same speech Admiral Brawne had given us the year before, only he did it in a slightly less mechanical voice.  Afterwards, the other junior recruits joined us in the gymnasium as we waited for Commander Anderson to show up.

“Sup,” Kaidan whispered, joining Ismaeel and me.

“Alenko,” Ismaeel mumbled.  “How’s Pod 6?”

Kaidan grimaced, but didn’t answer.  Commander Anderson walked in and silence fell instantly in the room.

“Shut up,” he said unnecessarily.  “Now, my name is Commander David Anderson and I have served in the Alliance Military for twenty one years.  For the next two years I will be your fitness instructor, and you can ask any of the seniors, I am the most hated man in the academy.  Now then, Ken, I’ve ridden you hard the past year.”

“Metaphorically speaking, yes sir,” I said.

“Of course I mean metaphorically boy, do I look like a fucking turian?” he snapped.

I decided not to push my luck on the first day back.  After all, I was an officer and needed to set an example to the other recruits.

“Couldn’t say sir,” I said.

“Don’t push your luck, Ken, it’s only your first day back,” Commander Anderson growled.  “Please tell the fresh meat what my five rules are.”

“Sir,” I said.  “Rule number one: speak when spoken to.  Rule number two: you may only stop doing an exercise when you’re on the verge of death.  Rule number three: if you hesitate when the commander or I give you an order, you will drop for ten without us having to tell you to.  Rule number four: the commander expects to see you improve or else he will be seriously fucking pissed, and believe him when he says, you don’t want to see that.  Rule number five: if the commander says you can do better, you probably can because he is more experienced or something.”

“Not bad, Ken, but you mucked rule number three up somewhat,” Commander Anderson said.  “Now, I will be seeing Pod 1 and 2 from 0500 hours to 0700 hours, Pod 3 and 4 from 0800 to 1000 hours, and Pod 5 and 6 from 1000 hours to 1200 hours.  Any questions?  Dismissed.”

He left the room before anyone had time to raise their hands.

“Well, I’ll see you later,” Kaidan said gloomily.  “Come on, you rat faces,” he shouted at his recruits.

..... 

I was somewhat nervous for the BOL ceremony.  The grunts seemed somewhat lacklustre and I was scared that they might let the academy and, by extension, the Alliance down.

As if.  I couldn’t really give a turian’s left nut for the Alliance, but I was scared that this BOL ceremony might go the same way as my BOL ceremony, with me calling a grunt by the name of his slash her dead twin.  Therefore, I spent a lot of time making sure that I had all the right names written on my datapad. 

“You worry too much,” Ash said.  “It’s bad for you.”

“Really?” I asked sarcastically.  “I never knew that.”

She clicked her tongue at me.  “You didn’t really get a break,” she said.  “The last time you took some time for yourself was after we won the roundrobin, and that’s ages ago.”  I rolled my eyes.  “You know what we should do during December week?” she continued as I practiced pronouncing Jacques’ name right.

“Get roaring drunk, do a striptease, table dance, get matching tattoos and end the night with a drag race up the freeway?” I asked.

“As fun as that sounds, I was thinking more along the lines of going shopping for our graduation ball dresses,” Ash said.

I put the datapad down.  “Ash, you have known me for five years now, so you should know that dress shopping is not the way to cheer me up,” I said.

“Ja, but you need a dress,” Ash said.  “I mean, you’re a Pod 3 officer, so you need to attend, and besides you’ve got a date, so you’ll want to look your best.”

“Already have a date to the dance, Shep?” Suang asked.

I scowled at Ash.  “Yeah,” I said.

“Who is it then?” Zac asked.

“Um, some dude I met in, uh, Tiptree,” I said.

“Does he have a name?” Mikhail asked.

“Yeah, it’s mind your own business you Polish creep,” I snapped.

“Alright, steady on, Shep,” Mikhail, the Polish creep, said.

..... 

To my relief, the BOL ceremony went without a hitch.  Of course, the grunts’ war-cry was less-than-inspired, but at least it happened.  Nobody’s name was mispronounced or replaced by those of dead relatives.  Naturally, Pod 6’s grunts looked and sounded the best, but everyone was long past living up to Kaidan’s standards. 

Or at least that’s what I thought until I walked past the two Pod 2 officers who were sobbing into each other’s shoulders.

“What the hell is going on around here?” I asked.

“We will never be as good at this sort of thing as Alenko and McDougal,” the woman, who was about six foot tall, wailed.

“What, shouting ‘who’s like us’?” I asked.

“Well, yeah, but also leading the grunts,” the boy, who had arms thicker than my body, sniffed.  “The Pod 6 grunts looked so…beautiful.”

What the hell?  “Why would you want to be like Kaidan and McDougal?” I asked blankly.  “Kaidan’s a psychopath.  McDougal’s a bitch.”

“Yeah, but the way you lead now impacts where you are posted next year,” the boy said.

“I just know I’m going to be posted to Home Defence, I just know it,” the girl sobbed.

“That’s nothing to be ashamed of,” I said.  “Earth needs soldiers to defend it against…fires and stuff.”

They both burst into a fresh wave of tears, so I left them to it.  I couldn’t help thinking about what they had said though, and wondering where I would be posted once I had graduated.  Of course, the worst would be to be made N1 and forced to work in administration.  I had no real desire to go to war, but I wanted to get a reward for surviving training that was more than staring at a terminal all day.  Being N2 was just as bad, as nothing ever happened on Earth that warranted having soldiers posted there.  They were mainly posted to Earth in case something happened (like an alien species deciding that it wanted to build a colony on a world with three habitable cities, ten semi-habitable areas, a destroyed ozone layer and oceans made of acid).  Most N2s ended up either going mad or (for some random reason) becoming chess champions.

N3s and N6s were posted to the fleet, which was ideally where I wanted to end up.  I had grown up in the fleet and felt most at home in space.  N4s and N5s all went into colony defence, which was apparently the most comfortable designation as you got a fair amount of action, but also had a comfy bed and three square meals a day to return to.

Back in the rec room Geoffrey was telling everyone exactly what was wrong with the Alliance (viz, controlling what we’re allowed to eat, say, and watch, developing mass effect drive so that we were able to travel faster and better in space, the First Contact War, the war on Skyllia, the third world war, banning civilians from possessing firearms, and the colonisation of planets).  I put him on twelve hour stand-to and went to bed.


	16. Chapter fifteen: October to December: suicide missions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the first time (but not the last time), Jane needs to choose between her friends and her duty, albeit in a very superficial way. The seniors start specialist training with Anderson to hilarious results, and Kaidan must defend his title of hand-to-hand champion of the academy. Meanwhile, Kaidan consults Ash for advice on his relationship with Jane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To avoid confusion, I would like to inform readers that, in this manuscript, Zhu’s Hope is not located on Ferris Fields, and are two different planets.

I soon discovered the perks of being an officer-recruit.  I was literally able to order one of the grunts to do just about anything for me (I was careful not to over-exert this privilege.  I remembered what it had been like living under the tyranny of Giovanni.  The worst I ever did was order Maria Marquez to bring me a cup of coffee every morning in bed, which she gladly did).  I also never had to make my bed ever again in that year, as I had two of my very own personal slaves.  I’d been rather annoyed when Geoffrey ended up being one of my slaves, and he did his chores with ill-grace, a lot of complaining, and explaining how in the Terminus systems no one did anything for anyone.  I pointed out that this might be the reason for all the problems the Terminus systems were currently experiencing, and he told me that there were no problems in the Terminus systems.  Sure, an average of seventy people a day were shot in the Terminus systems, but at least they had the freedom to choose to be shot.  I put him on a charge.  Maria, whilst being severely dim-witted was able to do simple tasks, provided I explained to her exactly what she needed to do.  In this sense, it was no different than having Sven as a partner.

It was a surprise that Geoffrey got anything done during his first week at Del Sol, as he seemed to be permanently on a charge.  In fact, so adept did Geoffrey O’Connor seem to be at pushing buttons that his misconduct was brought up at our staff meeting at the end of the first week.  These meetings occurred at the end of every assessment week, and it was mandatory for the officer-recruits to attend these.  I wasn’t sure before the first meeting why we had to attend, but at the end of the meeting I had a pretty clear idea.  It was a good time for the staff to gang up on us and complain about the fact that we are such shitty leaders.

It started off with Commander McDougal complaining about the fact that Pod 1’s recruits didn’t know how to properly address a commanding officer.

“It’s disgraceful,” Admiral Hackett agreed.

“These are the people we will be relying on to defend us in two years,” Commander McDougal said, clearly working himself up into a tizz.

“Oh for Christ sake, Angus,” Commander Anderson said with a snort.  “Listen to yourself.  You are talking about a group of grunts whose primary contact with the military has been with the troops defending their colonies.  This is their first week, you can’t expect them to know anything about being in the Special Forces.”

“It’s the responsibility of the officer recruits-,” Commander McDougal began, but Commander Anderson interrupted him.

“No, it isn’t, you ginger twit,” he snapped.  “It’s their responsibility to make sure the pod runs smoothly, to liaise between trainers and recruits, and to teach the recruits a bit about working as subordinates to others.  They do not do our jobs for us.”

“Calm down, Anderson,” Admiral Greyling said sharply.  “Commander McDougal, I do agree with Commander Anderson.  We cannot place too high expectations on the grunts just yet, they’ve only just started.”

“I do have a concern though with the Pod 3 recruits however,” Commander Anderson said, superbly ignoring Admiral Greyling.  “Well, one of them to be exact.  Junior Recruit O’Connor has been causing trouble in my classes since day one.  I have made him run laps, do push-ups, and put him on stand-to, but he persists.”

“I have had trouble with him too,” Admiral Kahoku said and there were noises of agreement around the room.

I cleared my throat.  “I have tried my hardest with O’Connor, as has Senior Recruit Khan here, but no matter what I say, the kid keeps on with his Terminus thumping,” I said.

“Terminus thumping, Shepard?” Admiral Greyling asked.

“Well, sort of like Bible thumping, sir,” I said.  “Only now he’s talking about how great the Terminus systems are instead of Jesus.”

“Well, Ken, do you think you can find a way to get ole Wobblemouth to stop complaining before I have him arrested?” Commander Anderson asked.  “He’s coming very close to crossing over into treason a number of times, and the last thing we want to do is execute one of the Terminus kids.  We’d have a war on our hands, and since we’re busy having such a blast with our current one, we might not have the time or the energy to fully enjoy another.”

For some reason it felt to me like he was having a stab at the Alliance.  I saluted.  “Yes sir,” I said respectfully.

“Now, I have to say, I’m very impressed with Pod 6’s recruits,” Commander McDougal said.

“No kidding,” Commander Anderson mumbled.

..... 

I took the opportunity to speak to Geoffrey that night when we were on guard duty together.  “Fag?” I asked, lighting up.

He gave me a scornful look.  “Why would I want a cigarette from you?” he asked.

“Because I am your superior and you will address me as such?” I suggested.  “Don’t people smoke in the Terminus?”

“Not really,” Geoffrey said.  “It causes cancer.”

“You know, we’ve mostly solved that problem since doctors developed a way to grow new lungs and then transplant them into you,” I said.

“What?” Geoffrey asked, distracted.  “That’s impossible.”

“Not really,” I said.  “Look, O’Connor, we need to talk.”

“I don’t want to be indoctrinated into your way of thinking,” he snapped.  “You’re a goddamn military stooge.”

“Ok, you’ve been on guard duty for nearly twelve hours now, so I’ll let that one slide,” I said.  “Say it again and you’ll be without meals for the next week.  So, anyway, Senior Recruit Khan and I had a meeting with the trainers last night, and funnily enough they say you’re the best grunt in the year.  You’re an excellent marksman, you speak fluent asari, your combat skills are above-average and so on.  I guess you learn a lot of these things out in the Terminus.”

“I got my first gun when I was ten, and we live on a world with mostly asari mercenaries living on it,” Geoffrey said, sounding disturbingly proud.  “I joined the Eclipse mercenary guild last year.”

“Right,” I said.  “Why are you here exactly, O’Connor?”

He rolled his eyes.  “The Alliance has you all on a leash,” he said.  “You are only allowed to go the way the Alliance wants you too.  In the Terminus systems we are free to do whatever we want, whenever we want.”

“We’re free with the Alliance,” I said. 

“Yeah, right,” Geoffrey said.  “You can’t speak out against the Alliance without getting executed, you can’t even own a gun if you’re a civilian.  The Alliance watches your every move and knows everything you do.”

“Yeah, the Alliance watches us,” I said, rolling my eyes.  “After the chaos of the third world war, it’s not really surprising, is it?  As for the gun clause, how many people die by gunshot wound on your world?”

“I-I don’t know,” Geoffrey said.

“I did a little research,” I said.  “You come from Ferris Fields, which is in the Strahaska system.  On that world, an average of forty people are shot dead a day.  Do you know how many civilians die of gunshot wounds a day in all the worlds under the Alliance’s command?”  He shook his head.  “Less than one.”

“Is that statistic from before the war on Skyllia?” Geoffrey asked.

“You’re missing the point,” I said.  “There’s a reason for the law that states no civilian may carry firearms.  Have you read Gavin Prince’s account of the last days of the third world war, and the exodus?  I have.  Earth was in chaos, there were riots everywhere, people were killing each other for scraps of bread and for places on the evac transports.  Through all this, soldiers were trying to evacuate cities out into space, to convince others that the only way for humanity to survive would be to abandon the home-world and seek our future in the stars.  Two thirds of humanity’s population died in those two weeks, and most of them weren’t killed by the radiation.”

“Yeah, well maybe it would have been better if we had all died,” Geoffrey said. 

“Yeah, maybe it would have,” I agreed.  “Anyway, you are on Alliance territory now, and you have to follow our laws.  The way you are currently speaking about the Alliance is considered treasonous, and the penalty for that is death.”

“If I am executed here, the Terminus systems will declare war on the Alliance,” Geoffrey said at once.

“The humans there, maybe,” I said.  “I doubt very much the aliens will care all that much for one dead human boy.  And, to be honest, I’m not all that worried, and I doubt very much that the Joint Military Council will be either.”

“We are united-,” Geoffrey began.

“Please,” I scoffed.  “Forty humans a day are shot dead on one world.  You’re too busy killing each other off to be able to fight us.  We are more disciplined, we have better fire-power, we are the ones that are truly united.  There’s no scenario anywhere where you would come out top.  Do you really want to become a martyr to a dying cause?”

He looked at me for a long time.  I kept my gaze steady, hoping he wouldn’t see my bluff.  “Ma’am, no ma’am,” he said at last.

I saluted him.  “Who’s like us?” I asked him.

“Damn few,” he answered, saluting me back.  “And they’re all dead.”

..... 

Kasuumi Dranne was receiving full marks for recon.  I found her sitting on the veranda outside Pod 3 with Padme Naidoo and Arthwr Fforde.

“Junior Recruit Dranne,” I said.  Arthwr and Padme jumped to attention.  “At ease,” I said.

“Oh, hey there Shep,” she said.

I frowned.  “That’s not the proper way to address your commanding officer,” I said.

“Oh, sorry,” she said.  “Hey there, Granny Shep.”

“Give me twenty, Dranne,” I said.  “And make them twenty good ones.”

“Aye aye ma’am,” she said, dropping down.

“So, how do you like Del Sol?” I asked the other two.

“It’s not that bad,” Arthwr mumbled, shifting uncomfortably.

I smiled.  “Nice effort, kid, but it’s bad form to lie to your commanding officer,” I said understandingly.

“I-yes ma’am,” Arthwr said.

“Finished,” Kasuumi said, jumping to her feet.

“Good,” I said.  “Now, then, I need the A18 protocols.  I believe Senior Recruit Robbins in Pod 1 has them.  Will you fetch them for me?”

“What are they for?” Kasuumi asked.

“They are very important for the running of the academy,” I said, in my best official tone.

“Yeah, but what do they do?” Kasuumi asked.

“Are you questioning the order of your superior, Junior Recruit Dranne?” I asked.

She rolled her eyes.  “No ma’am,” she said.

“Good,” I said.  “Run along then, and stow the attitude.”  She scowled at me.  “Run, Forest, run,” I said.

“I don’t understand what that means,” Kasuumi said.

“It doesn’t matter, get moving,” I said.  “Fforde, Naidoo, we’re having a meeting in the rec room.”

..... 

Ismaeel and I had called the meeting in order to motivate the pod into winning us the five.  “We’d be the first pod in fifteen years, if we could pull it off,” Ismaeel said.

“Yeah,” I said.  “We’d be legends around this place.”

“I personally just want wipe the smug expression off of McDougal’s face,” Ismaeel said.

“Me too,” I admitted.

The pod was gathered in the rec room.  “Good morning, Pod 3,” I said.  A few mumbled a greeting in return.  I let it slide.  My ego wasn’t that big.

“That wasn’t very enthusiastic,” Ismaeel, whose ego clearly was that big, said.  “Let’s try that again, shall we?”

“Good morning ma’am, sir,” the pod chorused dully.

“Alright, we have called you here because we wish to discuss with you the winning of the five,” I said.  “For those morons who don’t know, the five refers to the five competitions that occur throughout the year: combat, marksman, endurance, roundrobin and mastery.  Last year, Pod 3 missed out on being the first pod in fourteen years to win it by one competition, and I feel that we have a big chance of actually winning it this year.  We are the only pod here that is full strength, and we have some very fine recruits here.”

“McDougal and Alenko are in Pod 6,” Pierre said, sticking his hand up.  “They both won competitions for us last year.”

“Ok, Negative Nancy, maybe Pod 6 did get our two best recruits, but that doesn’t mean we can’t beat them,” Ismaeel said.  “We also proved last year that there’s nothing we cannot achieve if we stick together, and Shep and I don’t see how this year is any different.  Us seniors are already working together to keep our marks up, and we strongly suggest that the grunts start doing the same.”

“Khan and I believe that we can very easily win the five, but in order to do this, we need to work together,” I continued.  “We need to help those that need the help, and if we need help, we need to ask help from those that can help us.”

“Shep, where are you going with this?” Ismaeel murmured.

“We also need to believe that we are the strongest, hardest-working pod in this damn place,” I continued, ignoring him.  “Now, I believe it.  Do you?”

“Ma’am yes ma’am,” the pod chorused. 

“I can’t hear you,” I shouted.

“Ma’am yes ma’am,” the pod bellowed.

“That’s what I like to hear,” I bellowed louder.  I could now understand why Nina enjoyed pep talks so much.  “Who’s like us?” I screamed.

“Damn few,” the pod screamed back.  “And they’re all dead.”

“Good,” I said.  “Dismissed.”

Everyone returned to their work.  “Not bad,” Ash said.  “You’ve become quite the pep talker.”

“Thanks,” I said.  “I learn from the best.”

“No kidding,” she mumbled.  “You enjoying it?”

“Yeah,” I said.

“Enjoying having all this power over everyone?” she asked.

“That’s part of it, I guess,” I said.  “I feel kind of like it’s my responsibility though, to protect the grunts.”

“And you like the power,” Ash mumbled.

“Yeah, I already said that,” I said.  “What’s going on, Ash?”

“What would you do if someone you cared about broke protocol?” Ash asked.

“I care about everyone in the pod to a certain extent, and I haven’t had any problems putting them in their place, should I need to,” I said.

“What if it was someone you really cared about though,” Ash said.  “What if I did something?”

“You wouldn’t put me in that position,” I said confidently.

“No?” Ash asked.  She got up and shouted, “Jane Shepard, you’re a stupid, midget, bitch-whore.”

All eyes turned towards us.  You could hear a pin drop.  I swallowed.  “You’re on a charge, Senior Recruit Williams,” I said quietly.  “Twelve hour stand-to.  Relieve Mahlberg at 2200 hours.”

Ash stared at me, her jaw dropped.  “Understood, ma’am,” she said at last.

..... 

“I can’t believe you did that to me,” Ash raged the next night.  It was quiet hour and we were in the gymnasium.

“I can’t believe _you_ did that to _me,”_ I snapped.

“You made me miss galactic history, even though you knew we have a test on the krogan rebellions tomorrow,” Ash continued angrily.  “I thought you were my friend.”

“Yeah?” I said.  “Well, I thought you were my friend too, but clearly you aren’t.”

“Look, girls, I really don’t understand why you came to me with this problem,” Kaidan said uncomfortably.  “There’s no way I can look at this objectively.”

“Listen, Ash, if I’d let it slide, the others would have picked up on it and I would never have gotten them to obey any of my orders,” I said.

“Who says we have to obey your stupid orders?” Ash asked.

“The rules say it,” I snapped.  “It’s all very well for you lot to go around and suck at absolutely everything, but at the end of the day it’s the officers that pay for it, not you.”

“Jane’s right, Ash,” Kaidan put in.  “Well, not about the sucking stuff, but the rest.  It seems that you were just testing Jane’s relationship with you, to see what she would do if you went over the line.”

“That-that is not true,” Ash spluttered.

“Whatever,” Kaidan said.  “The point is, Jane did the right thing.  She can’t give you preferential treatment because you’re friends, it would be unprofessional.”

“Ash’s angry about something else,” I said.

“I’m not,” Ash said obstinately.

“Are too,” I said.  “You’re pissed because Admiral Kahoku didn’t choose you to take part in the hand-to-hand competition.”

“What?” Kaidan asked.  “You weren’t chosen?”  She shook her head.  “Why not?”

She scowled.  “Just tell him already, Ash,” I said.

“You remember doing Earth history, Kaidan?” Ash asked.  He nodded.  “Do remember General Williams?”

“The only human to surrender to aliens?” Kaidan asked.  “Sure, I remember.”

“He was my great grandfather,” Ash said.

“Your great grandfather was General Williams?” Kaidan asked in amazement.

“Ja,” Ash said.  “My mom told me about it.  Shanxi was taken by the turians, right at the start of the First Contact War.  But they didn’t take the cities, they just sat in orbit and bombed everything that moved.  My great grandfather was groundside at this time, and tried to secure supplies for the civilians, but every time his men stepped outdoors, they’d get shot at.  Coms were down, and people were starving, so my great grandfather did the only thing he could.  He surrendered.”

“For the record, I would probably have done the same thing,” I said.

“When he was finally returned to the Alliance, he was court-marshalled, tried and executed,” Ash went on.  “My grandfather, mom and her brothers all joined up in spite of this, even though they were never promoted past Serviceman First Class.  Anyway, that is why I will probably never make it past N2 either, and why I don’t get chosen for things like hand-to-hand competitions.  My mom always used to say to me: ‘A Williams has to be the best, if only to be above suspicion.’.”

“But it’s not your fault what your great grandfather did,” Kaidan protested.

“Yeah, Kay, no one cares.  He’s the one stain on humanity’s spotless record,” Ash said.  “I don’t give a shit, really.  Anyway, that’s why Mahlberg and Anistropolus are representing Pod 3.”

“Anistropolus is surprisingly good,” I mused.  “I always thought he was some sort of lady-killer or something.”

“Yeah, he’s pretty good-looking,” Ash agreed.

“Better looking than me?” Kaidan asked somewhat jealously.

I pretended to think about it.  “Yeah, I reckon,” I said thoughtfully.  I laughed at his expression.  “I’m kidding,” I said.

..... 

As seniors, we got specialised and intensive classes with Commander Anderson on procedure in certain unique cases where normal protocol didn’t apply.  These classes were interesting, if somewhat disturbing.  The very first class was on what to do should you find yourself in a stand-off where the opposition holds a hostage at gun-point.

“I need a volunteer,” Commander Anderson said, to begin the class.  “Dog-Breath, it’s a while since I have felt your bum against me, why not you?”

Uvaneska got up and went over to Commander Anderson.  “In this, our very first class together, we’ll be talking about what to do in a hostage situation.  Come closer, Dog-Breath, I want to smell your BO.”

Uvaneska went closer to Commander Anderson, who grabbed him and pulled him against his body.  He pulled a pistol from his pocket and pressed it against Uvaneska’s head.  “Stop whimpering like a puppy, it’s not loaded,” Commander Anderson said.  “So, you all have your guns out and are pointing them at me, but I say something like ‘STEP BACK OR I’LL SHOOT’.”  He bellowed the last line.  “Then Dog-Breath says something along the lines of ‘Woof, but I have a woof bitch and puppies at home, woof’.  What do you do?”

We stared at him in silence, and he clicked his tongue.  “Come on children, it’s not that difficult,” he said impatiently.  “What do you do?”  We still stared at him.  “Fine, Barbie, what _don’t_ you do?”

“You don’t surrender, sir,” Ash said promptly. 

“Exactly, well done, Barbie,” Commander Anderson said.  “Be sure to paint those toe-nails nice and pink before the party.  So, Ken, you’ve been awfully quiet recently.  What’s eating you?”

“I’m trying to be a self-contained senior recruit, sir,” I said.

“Are you?” he asked.  “Well, good luck with that.  So, what would you do in a situation like this?”

I thought for a bit.  “I’d pray, sir,” I said.

“I’m sorry, you’d-?”

“Pray, sir,” I said.  “As far as I can figure, if you can’t surrender, you can’t really do much.”

“Behp, that’s the incorrect answer, Ken, thank you for playing,” Commander Anderson said.  “Anyone else have any ideas that don’t require divine intervention?”

There was a moment’s silence, then Cat said, “Shoot the hostage.”

Uvaneska gave a loud squeak.  “What would that achieve?” Bridget snapped.

“Who said that?” Commander Anderson asked.

“Me, sir,” Bridget said.

“I wasn’t asking you, Lumps, I’d recognise your bass voice anywhere,” Commander Anderson said.  “I meant who said shoot the hostage?”

“Me sir,” Cat said.

“Ah, Arse-Lick, why am I not surprised that you’d say that?” Commander Anderson asked.  “You are of course correct, standard procedure would be to shoot the hostage.”

“Sir, why would you kill the hostage when you’re trying to save it?” De Valentino asked.

Commander Anderson sighed.  “Annie, please remind Cupid what rule number one is,” he said tiredly.

“Sir,” the boy called Annie said.  “Speak when spoken to.”

“Good work, Annie, the sun will come out tomorrow,” Commander Anderson said.  “Maybe.  Now, Fugly, maybe you can tell Cupid what rule number three is.”

“If you fail to follow an order from the commander, you drop for ten without him asking,” the Pod 2 officer-recruit said.

“Thank you, Fugly,” Commander Anderson said.  “Go ahead, Cupid.”

De Valentino moved to the front of the room and dropped down.  “Now, Cupid, whilst you’re down there, ponder this,” Commander Anderson said.  “I believe Arse-Lick said shoot the hostage, not kill the hostage.”  He waited for De Valentino to get up before continuing.  “Of course, you will often find that the people responding to these sorts of situations are cops, artillery units or N4 slash N5s, which means they are pretty crappy shots as it is, and the hostage dies as a result, but the place that you want to shoot at is the leg opposite the kidnapper’s shooting hand.  For instance, I am left-handed, which means you will shoot Dog-Breath’s right leg, preferably just below the knee as that is easiest repaired with surgery.

“Now, you may be asking why shoot Dog-Breath’s right leg,” he continued, ignoring all our horrified expressions.  “Think of it this way.  If I kneed Dog-Breath here,” he drove his knee hard into the back of Uvaneska’s leg, causing Uvaneska to fall to his knees “Dog-Breath goes down.  Now, should the gun go off, the chance of the hostage being fatally wounded is slim, and as I am gripping Dog-Breath so hard, I will most probably go down with him, giving you the opportunity to subdue, supress and all the other clichés.”  I put my hand up.  “What is it now, Ken?”

“Sir, can’t I shoot you?” I asked.

He was holding the gun pointing at Dog-Breath in such a way that his arm covered most of his head.  “Shoot me where, Ken?” he asked.

“In the mouth, sir,” I said.

“That’s a very tight shot, Ken,” he said.  “You run the risk of hitting the hostage.”

I picked my ruler up and sighted down it as if it was a pistol.  “I could make that shot sir,” I said.  “Very easily, but only if I used a pistol.  Anything heavier and I would kill the hostage.”

“Well, Ken if you’re sure of yourself and certain that the kidnapper isn’t needed for questioning, go for it, but know that you’ll be giving yourself a mountain of paperwork for breaking standard procedure.  Sit down, Dog-Breath, there’s only so much of your stench I can take at a time.”

Uvaneska took his seat again.  “Once the captor has been subdued, supressed et cetera, you get the hostage to the nearest hospital, write your report and send the hostage a bunch of flowers and an ‘I’m sorry for shooting you in the leg’ card,” Commander Anderson went on.

The next class was what to do should you be taken hostage, which was pretty much ‘wait to get shot in the leg, and then write a “Thanks from saving me from psychopath Jim” card on receipt of the “I’m sorry for shooting you in the leg” card.’  To me it seemed that these classes were designed to teach us to shoot innocent people, get injured in the line of duty, or have survivor’s guilt.

..... 

Another exciting thing that happened in October was that we had to prepare for our driver’s test, which would take place the day after our eighteenth birthdays.  Flight Lieutenant Morreau was apparently on deployment and unable to die with us, so we had a Lieutenant Briscoe come instead.  My first two sessions I managed to crash into the ground after exactly five seconds of airborne travel.  “Tell me girl, when exactly do you activate the vertical thrusters?” Lieutenant Briscoe asked me. 

“Once I have clutch control, sir,” I said.

“Why do you insist on hitting the thrusters too soon then?” he asked.

“I’m an eager type of person, sir,” I said.

He sighed.  “Let’s try again, shall we, and this time let’s stay in the air for longer,” he said.

This time I made it into the air and was soon flying above the academy.  “Why are you travelling so slowly, Shepard?” Lieutenant Briscoe asked.

“Speed kills, sir, and I don’t want your death on my hands,” I said.

“The speed limit is seven hundred and fifty kilometres an hour,” Lieutenant Briscoe said.  “You’re flying at eight kilometres an hour.  The thrusters will lose power if you don’t speed it up, which, at this height, will almost certainly lead to our death.”

I hit the accelerator, opting to travel rather at six hundred kilometres an hour.  Below me the academy lay sprawled, and in the distance I could see the skeleton of what had once been Rio De Janero.  “How far up do I have to fly to be able to see the sun?” I asked.

“Further than this skycar can go,” Lieutenant Briscoe said.

“Ah well,” I mumbled.

The worst aspect of these practice runs was the fact that we had to do a practice flight with Lieutenant Briscoe and our training partners.  Knowing what Mahlberg’s intelligence levels were and hearing rumours that he was yet to make it off the ground, I wrote a rough will out saying that I didn’t have much, but boy if I did, I’d buy a big house where we both could live.  I finished the will saying that dying in a flaming wreck was not exactly how I’d planned to go, but it was still better than drowning.

My fears proved right when Sven’s first two attempts at flight consisted of us scuttling along the ground and crashing into walls.  On the third try though we left the ground so fast it felt as though my stomach was buried somewhere deep under the ground.  Not content with just leaving the ground at speed, Sven also set out to prove that the Cision Two-Ten could indeed go from zero to seven hundred kilometres an hour in two seconds.

“Slow down boy,” Lieutenant Briscoe shouted as we hit the speed of eight hundred kilometres an hour.

Sven however seemed to have forgotten how to brake, for the speed climbed to eight hundred and twenty.  I tried screaming, but my lungs seemed empty.  Besides, I’m not really the screaming type.

“You’re travelling too high,” Lieutenant Briscoe screamed in a comical falsetto.  “The engine will blow.  Slow the fuck down, you moron.”

“I can’t,” Sven shouted, his voice trembling.  “I’ve never flown before.  I don’t know how.”  No one had explained to him the fine intricacies of braking.

“The pedal on the left,” Lieutenant Briscoe shouted.  “Hit the pedal on the left.”

Sven slammed on the brakes.  The skycar didn’t appreciate the sudden change in inertia and spun out of control.  I proved to the galaxy that nothing is constant by screaming my lungs out as we were flung around.  The ground flew up towards us at an alarming rate and it felt like my stomach was now floating somewhere above me.  The skycar hit the ground, bounced twice, rolled over and finally came to rest on its roof.

“So that’s why we have to buckle up,” Sven murmured.

“You’re a fucking idiot, do you realise that?” Lieutenant Briscoe said, rather calmly, considering the situation.  “Shepard, shut the hell up.”

“My life just flashed before my eyes,” I said hysterically.  “I never realised before just how short I am.”

“Do you have any feedback for Mahlberg?” Lieutenant Briscoe asked.

“Yeah, never fly a skycar with me in it ever again,” I said.

In the end we were all lucky to get out with only minor bruises, but for days afterwards I had nightmares of exploding skycars.  When I told this to Ismaeel, he advised me to speak to Elizabeth who told me it was nothing to worry about, people who have near-death experiences tend to have nightmares about it.

..... 

The third week of October saw the hand-to-hand competition.  Admiral Greyling once again opened with a rousing speech about the greatness of the Alliance, and led us through an inspiring rendition of the national anthem.  Kaidan and Sven were both fighting in the first bouts, and Nicos fought in the second.  Kaidan seemed to have gotten even better at hand-to-hand combat as he was easily able to beat his Pod 5 opponent.  Sven beat Holt from Pod 4 into a pulp, securing us a place in the final sixteen.

Kaidan came to sit with us whilst we watched Nicos fight.  “I see some things never change,” Ash remarked.

“What do you mean?” Kaidan asked in confusion.

“You’re still good at hand-to-hand,” Ash said.

“Kaidan?” a voice said from behind us.  It was Kasuumi.

“Oh, uh, hey Kasuumi,” Kaidan stammered.  “How are you doing?”

“I’m well thanks, how are you?” Kasuumi asked.

“Great,” Kaidan said.  “Uh really great.”

“Can this be any more awkward?” Ash mumbled.

“So, I see the skills that made me fall for you are still there,” Kasuumi said.

“Huh?” Kaidan asked, somewhat gormlessly.

“You’re still good at hand-to-hand,” Kasuumi said, somehow making this realisation sound sexy.  She lowered her eyelids.  “Still hot at it.”

“Hey, thanks,” Kaidan said, looking pleased with himself.  “So, how’ve you been?”

“Well,” Kasuumi said.  “Shep here drives us hard, but I guess it’s for our own good.”

“It is,” I snapped.

“I’ve really missed you, Kay,” Kasuumi said.

My jaw dropped open.  Was this really happening?

“I’ve missed you too, Suma,” Kaidan said.  My jaw dropped further open.

“You know this is breaking regulations?” I snapped.

“What?” Kasuumi asked, distracted.

“Fraternisation is against regulations,” I said angrily, glaring at Kaidan.

“We’re not having sex, Jane,” Kaidan laughed.

“Yeah, whatever,” I snapped.  I pointed at Kasuumi.  “You, go stand over there and count backwards from ten thousand.  You,” I pointed at Kaidan.  “Piss off.”

“Jane,” Kaidan began.

“You heard me,” I said.  “Get going, both of you.”

They both moved off, looking confused.  Ash put her arm around my shoulder.  “Men are assholes,” she said softly in my ear.

“You can say that again,” I muttered.

..... 

Nicos was unusually good at hand-to-hand.  He had good technique that looked as though it was adapted from Kung-Fu, and appeared to be level-headed and calm in combat.  Unsurprisingly, Kaidan made it into the finals, and he managed to corner me as Nicos was called into the ring for his semi-final.

“Jane, what’s going on?” he asked, pulling me behind one of the food stalls.

“Nothing’s going on,” I said frostily.  I had never tried passive aggression before, and found that it was actually pretty fun.

“Yeah?” he asked.  “Why are you being such a bitch then?”

“Oh, I’m being a bitch?” I snapped.  Hey, I’m not good at change, and I managed to keep the passive-aggressive thing going for almost a minute.  “Your ex-girlfriend was flirting with you.”

“No she wasn’t,” Kaidan said immediately.

I gave him a glare from hell.  “And even that wouldn’t be so bad if you weren’t flirting back,” I said angrily.

“I wasn’t,” Kaidan insisted.

“Let me paint you a fucking picture, Alenko,” I snapped.  I put on a high, squeaky voice.  “’I missed you Kay.’”  I deepened my voice.  “’I missed you too, Suma.’  What the fuck am I supposed to think about that?”

“Ok, firstly Kasuumi sounds nothing like that,” Kaidan said, scowling.  “Secondly, it’s true, I do miss her.”

I punched him hard in the stomach.  “You’re a fucking asshole, Alenko,” I shouted, turning to leave.  He grabbed my arm.

“Jane, I want to be with you,” he said.  “What do I have to do to show you that?”

“You want to prove you want to be with me?” I asked coldly.  “Lose in the final.”

“What?” Kaidan asked, nonplussed.

“You heard me,” I said.

“Ok, if it’ll prove to you-“

“No, it won’t prove anything to me,” I snapped.  “It’d prove you’re a moron, maybe but that’s about it.”

“Then what the hell do you want from me?” Kaidan snapped.

“Don’t you see how this makes me angry?” I asked.  “What if Gcina came here and I started going on about how I missed him, how would you feel then, huh?”

“I don’t bloody know, do I?” Kaidan asked angrily.  “I don’t have a frontal lobe, remember?”

At that moment Admiral Greyling came on the intercom.  “And now, our final bout, the one that determines the hand-to-hand combat champion in Del Sol: for Pod 6 we have our current champion, Senior Recruit Kaidan Alenko.  Facing him, from the famed Pod 3, we have Junior Recruit Nicos Anistropolus,” he announced.

“I have to go,” Kaidan said.  He quickly touched my hand.  “I’ll see you after, Jane.”

“Yeah, whatever,” I mumbled.

All things considered, it was a good fight.  Kaidan dominated for most of the fight until Nicos landed a lucky punch on Kaidan’s stomach, at exactly the same place that I had hit.  From there it was most down-hill for Kaidan, and Nicos became the first person to beat him in two years.

Later at the feast afterwards Kaidan stuck his head around the mess hall door.  “Shepard, can I have a moment of your time?” he asked.

“Sure,” I said coolly.  “Carry on, everyone.  I’m proud of you all.  Except Dranne.  Aint a fuck proud of you.”

I followed Kaidan outside.  “What’s going on?” I asked.

“I never gave you a gift for Remembrance Day,” he said.

“I’m not sure I want anything from you,” I said coldly.

“Stop being such a prickly old bear, Jane,” he snapped.

“You’re telling me to stop being a prickly bear?” I asked angrily.  “Maybe you should stop and think about your behaviour for a change.  Oh wait, you can’t.”

“Shut up and follow me already,” Kaidan said.

I considered being childish and not following, but on the whole I was curious about where he was taking me.  “Are you going to murder me and dump my body in a ditch somewhere?” I asked as he led me across the compound in the direction of the villa.

“Why would I do that?” he asked blankly.

“I don’t know, this just seems like some sort of horror movie plot or something,” I said.

“I don’t really watch horror movies,” he said.  “Except for Blood Shower, I love that.”  I pulled a face.  “You ever seen it, Jane?”

“Yeah, once,” I said.  “It left me with stomach problems for quite a while afterwards, I don’t even want to know how much fake blood was created to make that movie.  Where are we going?”

“You’ll see,” he said.

He pushed open the door to the planetarium where the N7 recruits were taught the constellations of the different star systems and stood aside so that I could enter.

“So, anyway, I remembered you saying once that the thing you miss most about space travel is the fact that you can’t see the stars from Earth,” he said. 

“Kaidan,” I began.

“Sh,” he said.  He went over to the terminal and keyed in something.  The lights went out and above me the black ceiling was lit up by a million points of light.

He came up behind me and put his arms around me.  “Happy Remembrance Day,” he said.

My throat felt tight, but I managed to say, “I’m still mad at you.”

“That’s ok,” he said.  “I’m sorry for flirting with Kasuumi, even though I don’t think I was.”  I turned to glare at him.  “I’m sorry,” he said.  “I’ll try not to flirt with anyone.”

“It’s fine,” I said.  “I suppose I understand why this happened.”

“You need to understand though that you are the woman I want to be with,” Kaidan said.  “Nothing’s going to change that, not Kasuumi or anyone else.”

“She’s prettier than me,” I said.  “Ash too.”

“Yeah, I know,” he said.  “Kasuumi’s high maintenance though, and Ash would never go for someone like me.”

“So you’re settling for second best?” I asked.  “Or rather third best?”

“Holy crap woman, you’re impossible,” Kaidan groaned.  “I love you, ok?”  I stared up at the stars.  When I’d been having a particularly crap day, back on the Hugo Grayson, I would go to the observation deck on deck three and look outside.  Something about all that space out there would make all my troubles seem small in comparison.

“Jane?” Kaidan asked uncertainly.  “Did you hear me?”

I looked at him.  “Yeah, I heard you,” I said.  “Thank you.  For the stars.  It’s the best Remembrance Day gift ever.”

.....

**Kaidan: October**

I wake up close to midnight.  Jane is snuggled deep in my arms.  I gently kiss her awake.  “Janey,” I whisper.

“Let me sleep a little while longer,” she murmurs sleepily.

“We need to get back before someone starts wondering where we are,” I say.

She turns around.  “I suppose,” she sighs.  She kisses me on the cheek.  “Thanks for tonight,” she says.

“You’re welcome,” I say.

She gets up and starts putting her uniform on.  I watch her from the floor.  Jane is one of those girls that doesn’t realise exactly how gorgeous she is.  Kayleigh was like that, but she is the only one of my girlfriends that was.  There’s almost something endearing about it, and something incredibly frustrating because they will never believe that you love them.  Interestingly, girls like Jane and Kayleigh are usually the first to bring up talks of love.  In the five months that we have been together, Jane has never once said she loves me or mentioned anything about perhaps loving me in the future.  I’m not all that upset, as most experiences are new to me, but I am intrigued by what the reason is for this.  I also need to update my list.

The list had originally been suggested by the shrink, Elizabeth Fischer.  She was very interested in the fact that I don’t tend to see cause and effect relationships in anything I do, leading me to make shitty decisions.  She hit upon the idea of creating a way for me to at least see future consequences to re-occurring events, if not for new experiences.  Every time I have an experience that I had never had before, I add it to the list saved on my datapad.  The list has close to a thousand new experiences and includes everything from what happens if I cheek a trainer, to what happens if I don’t call my mother on Remembrance Day.

McDougal is still awake when I get back to Pod 6.  “Where have you been?” she asks.

Both Ash and Jane have drilled into me what the consequences of others finding out about me and Jane being together.  Ash had even made me add it to the list, even though I have not actually experienced the consequences yet.

“With Shepard and Williams,” I say.

“What were you doing with them?” McDougal asks.

“Chatting,” I say.  “Why are you so curious about my private business?”

I hate McDougal.  She’s incredibly nosy, bossy and thinks she’s god’s gift to humanity.

“Just wondering,” she shrugs.  “I don’t know what you see in those two, to be honest.  Williams is a stuck-up bitch.  Shepard’s got to be the worst soldier in the galaxy.”

“Jealousy is an ugly colour, Arse-Lick,” I say absently, taking my datapad out of my BOL.

She wasn’t done.  “Adding to your list of failure, are you?” she asks viscously.  She puts on a gormless voice.  “’Today I lost the hand-to-hand competition, destroying my pod’s chance of making the five.’”

“You’re a cow, McDougal,” I say lightly, switching the datapad off again.  I look at the clock on the wall and see that it’s midnight.  I walk to the door, open it, and bellow, “Lights out,” down the hall.

There’s the sound of all the grunts scrambling into bed and I see the light in their dorm switch off.  I get undressed, switch the light off and get into bed.

“Good night, McDougal,” I say sleepily.

“You know, even if I win the marksman competition, we still won’t bring Pod 6 fame and glory,” she says. 

“Go to bed, McDougal, you annoy me,” I say, quoting my girlfriend.

...... 

The next day is communication Sunday, a non-event in our dorm, owing to the fact that there are only two of us.  Once I have phoned home and assured my mother that I still haven’t killed anyone, I go to Pod 3 to hang out with my actual friends.

When Jane calls Jason, I ask Ash to come outside with me.

“What’s up?” she asks.  “Is everything ok with you and Jane?”

“Why would things not be ok with me and Jane?” I ask.

“Well, I saw the first part of the tiff you two had,” she explains.  “Also, Jane was in a towering temper for the rest of the day until she left the feast with you.”

“Yeah, everything’s ok,” I say.  “I think.”

“Uh oh,” Ash laughs.  “That doesn’t sound good.”

“Well, you know Jane well, right?” I ask.

“I like to think so,” Ash says. 

“Well, the thing is, even though I’m not really forward thinking, I know women really well,” I say.  “I had sex for the first time when I was thirteen, and I’ve had seven girlfriends before Jane.  Thing is, as much as I think I understand women as a whole, Jane somehow manages to break down all my preconceptions.”

“She’s like that,” Ash says.  “What did she do that freaked you out?”

“Well, last night I told her that I love her,” I begin.

Ash smiles understandingly.  “Of course,” she says. 

“What do you mean?” I ask, not understanding.  “Of course what?”

“I don’t actually know what all went down in Jane’s relationship with her parents, but I do know that it was bad,” Ash says.

“Her parents?” I ask, astounded.  “But I thought she only had problems with her dad.”

“Her mother was far more subtle about it, but she managed to mess Jane up just as bad,” Ash says.  “She knew what Lieutenant Shepard was doing to their children, but she never did anything about it.”

“She left when Jane was eight,” I point out quietly.

“And she went back again,” Ash says.  “She could easily have enrolled Jane into school herself, but she never did.  Jane adored her mother and will not hear a bad thing against her ever.  The point is, I’ve not once heard Jane tell someone she loves them, not her parents, not Jason, who she loves more than anyone, not me, and I’ve been her best friend for five years now.”  She sees my expression.  “Don’t worry, cowboy, you’ll know if she loves you.  She’s stubborn, but you can always figure her out in the end.”

“How will I know?” I ask.

“You’ll know,” Ash says.

We go back into the senior dorm, where Jane is still busy talking to Jason.  “Where the hell were the two of you?” she asks when we walk in, giving me a huge smile.  “I was busy beginning to worry.”

I smile back.  “Told you so,” Ash whispers.  “What were you worried about?” she asks louder.

“Well, you know, you might have been abducted by aliens, or maybe rabid dogs, since the aliens thing has been done to death,” she says.

I go up and put my arm around her, in a friendly, big-brotherly way, just to make sure that no suspicions were aroused.

..... 

**And back to October to December: Suicide missions**

The next exciting thing we were taught by Commander Anderson was how exactly to handle suicide missions.  Suicide mission commands were assigned to N7 officers, but one never knew when one might end up serving on a suicide squad, so it was a good idea for us to know what to expect.

The command centre, where we were having the class, was far quieter than usual, and when Commander Anderson walked in, he asked, “Did someone die?”

We didn’t say anything.  “So, it’s that time of year where I tell you to forget everything you have learnt over the past eighteen months,” Commander Anderson said.  “It’s going to be tough.  I’m not such a fan of teaching suicide missions.  They’re not fun and the unfortunate truth with the Alliance military being as understaffed as it is, that suicide squads are often called-upon to perform tasks that should be assigned to a larger force.  Now, the first thing to know about suicide squads is that they tend to be small.  The general formula is the minimum number of people needed to perform the actual task, be it infiltrate and disable an enemy force, or take out a stockpile of weapons by going under the radar of the enemy.  This usually amounts to between three and four soldiers.  Can anyone tell me who is assigned the command of a suicide squad?”

“N7 officers, sir,” Cat said.

“Correct,” Commander Anderson said.  “N7 officers are generally given these kinds of operations.  However, any member of the Marine Corps can serve on a suicide squad.  That being said though, and this is crucial for each and every one of you to remember, with suicide squads you have a choice.  In any other situation, if a superior officer gives you an order, you obey the order without question.  With suicide squads, you can opt out at any time.”

“How do you get anyone to serve on these squads then?” Uvaneska asked.

“Excellent question, Dog-Breath,” Commander Anderson said.  “If I had to order you right now to go out there and blow yourselves up for the good of the Alliance, who of you would do it?”  Kyle raised his hand and glanced around at the rest of us.  “Who?, I am somewhat disturbed by your patriotism, and believe you may be a danger to yourselves and others,” Commander Anderson said.  “The rest of you appear to be well-adjusted, normal, healthy teenagers, so congratulations for that.  The point is, no one sane would do that.  I most certainly won’t.  So, how do you persuade people to sacrifice themselves in that way?”  He glared around at us.  “You make them believe,” he growled.

“Believe in what?” Ismaeel asked.

“In anything,” Commander Anderson said.  “Themselves, the Alliance, the tooth fairy, whatever it takes to get them to do the job, and to do it well.  Of course, this is not important for you right now.  It only becomes your problem if you get accepted into ICT, where a full week is designated to training N7 recruits how to lead suicide squads.  For now, you just need to know that your commanding officer does not want you to die any more than you do, and will do anything in his or her power to keep you alive.  Now, I want you to watch this vid.  It was taken from the suit camera of Operations Chief Andrea Montana, serving on First Corps Sustained Command, led by Lieutenant-Commander Antony Goldenstein, N7.  They were sent to plant a bomb in the middle of a batarian command centre in Barcella, Skyllia.  The bomb was to detonate at fifteen seconds, and it was impossible for Chief Montana, LC Goldenstein or Monroe’s partner, Second Lieutenant Faenra to make it out of the centre in time.”

He clicked a button on the terminal and the screen behind him lit up.  The picture quality wasn’t great, somewhat grainy and unfocused, but it showed two men in Alliance armour standing in the hold of a ship.

“Now, this is obviously not ideal,” the Lieutenant-Commander said.  “The chances of success here are very slim, but for some reason Alliance high command thought I’d be the best officer to lead this mission, and I thought that you’d be the best soldiers to take with me.  Now, I’m not going to tell you to do this for the Alliance, or for humanity.  At this stage, that doesn’t matter anymore.  Forget your vows where you swore to defend the Alliance, forget the fact that our names will live on forever in Alliance history.  It is no longer important.  The batarians have murdered hundreds of civilians, sold thousands more into slavery.  If we do not take this command centre, we sentence potentially millions to death.  As we sacrifice ourselves, remember that it’s because of us that these civilians will live.  Remember those that died, and know that it’s for them that we do this.”

“Oorah,” the two other soldiers shouted, saluting.

Commander Anderson switched the vid off.  “So, what do you think?” he asked.  “Would you have followed that man?”  There was a silence.  “Ken?” he asked.

“Well, not really, sir,” I said.  “I’m not such a fan of dying.  But he had a bigger chance than any of the other nutjobs in the military.”

“Uh huh,” he said.  “Why?”

“Because he gave me a reason that’s more tangible and more…human than dying for the Alliance,” I said.

“Right,” he said.  “The Alliance is very faceless when faced with a very real death.”

“Yeah,” I said.

“So that’s pretty much what a good commanding officer will do,” Commander Anderson said.  “Give you a good reason to die.  Any questions?”  There were none.  I think we were all getting somewhat depressed.  “So, how does someone get chosen for a suicide squad?” Commander Anderson asked.  “If you are married, have children, have relatives, are well-adjusted and slash or completely psychotic, you have relatively little chance of being chosen for a suicide squad.  Commanders tend to try to choose people who have no family and are just messed up enough to have fewer inhibitions about dying than average Joe, but have enough stability not to lose it completely.” 

“Guess I won’t be chosen for a suicide squad,” Kaidan mumbled, sounding pleased. 

“I will be,” I said gloomily.  “Only one brother and definitely in the balance between crazy and sane.”

“Now, the second thing I want to cover with you is the choice to leave someone behind, the so-called platitude sacrificing one to save many,” Commander Anderson said.  “Ideally, this choice would be made by the commander, but often one will find that the commander is for whatever reason unable to make this choice, so in reality any of you could be left with this burden.”

The way I figured, I’d rather serve on a hundred suicide squads than make the choice to leave a squad mate behind.  My own death I could potentially handle (once it had happened it had happened), but having to make the conscious choice to sacrifice someone on my conscience would probably not be something I could deal with.

“The choice is simple,” Commander Anderson said.  He sounded tired.  “The lowest rank soldier is always the one that gets left behind.  I want to repeat this, because it is very important: the lowest ranked soldier is the one that gets left behind.  If you break this protocol, you will face the biggest fucking shitstorm you can end up in in the marines.  Say it after me: leave the lowest ranked soldier behind.”

“Leave the lowest ranked soldier behind,” we repeated.

“Good,” Commander Anderson said.  “That’s all the depression for today.  If you have any questions, I’m here till Sunday and will be happy to answer them.  Dismissed.”

We filed silently out.  “God, Janey, what have we gotten ourselves into?” Ash asked.

“I dunno,” I said.  “I guess we have to wait and see.”


	17. Chapter sixteen: December to May: the five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another accident at the academy cause Jane, Kaidan and Ash to consider reporting their findings to the Admiralty Board. The senior recruits are assessed for gene therapy, something which makes Jane very uncomfortable, and there is another DP.

I was doing well in my training.  It seemed that I had finally come into my own, managed to suppress whatever demons were plaguing me.  I was still top of the class with Weapons and Armoury, and was now coming top of the class in combat tactics, recon and turian.  And, whilst I didn’t want to repeat my mistakes from the previous year, I was confident that I would win the marksmanship competition.

Two weeks before the marksmanship competition, the senior recruits had to meet up with representatives from Binary Helix in order to do an assessment on what gene therapy we would participate in.  At the turn of the century, gene therapy was all the rage, as parents tried to breed the perfect child.  it was only in the last thirty years that gene therapy fell into disrepute, owing to a realisation that everyone had the same idea of what a ‘perfect child’ should be and was thus reducing the gene pool, and the appearance of particularly awful genetic disorder known as Hollard’s Syndrome, where a small number of children who respond adversely to the gene therapy were born missing limbs, eyeballs or other parts of the body.  Nowadays, gene therapy was mainly used to cure pre-existing genetic disorders in people who want to have children, to cure genetic disorders in foetuses (this had been particularly helpful in the eradication of Down’s Syndrome), by rich people to enhance a pre-existing trait (such as IQ), and (most particularly) in the Alliance military to give its soldiers certain traits.

I was very uncomfortable by the idea of gene therapy.  Part of it was on a religious level, that God had created me the way He had for a reason, but part of it was also that I was scared that I might wake up some time and find that I no longer knew my own body.  On top of this, a very controversial paper had been written when I was fourteen by a group of medical interns on Noveria, which outlined all the long-term negative effects that came from the gene therapy that soldiers received.  Among the effects outlined were heart problems, high blood pressure, problems with central nervous functioning and impaired cognitive functioning.  The article was almost immediately squashed by the Alliance Film and Publication Board, but the news still spread.  The Alliance refused to comment on this article, but I suspected that the issues with gene therapy were one of the reasons the Alliance was struggling to meet recruitment quotas.

“I don’t like this one bit,” I said to Ash as we waited in line.  Kaidan was being assessed inside the med bay.

“It’ll be fine,” Ash said soothingly.  “The Alliance won’t put us in unnecessary danger.”

I looked at her incredulously.  “Ash, this is the military,” I said.  “We learnt about suicide missions last month.”

“We need to go through this,” Cat said.

“Whatever,” I mumbled.  Kaidan came out.  “So, how is the Alliance proposing to change you?”  I asked.

“Package three,” he said. 

“Which means what?” I asked.

“For someone who grew up in the military, you’re surprisingly ignorant,” Cat remarked.

“I swear to God, McDougal, the day you get punched in the face by someone is coming,” I said irritably.

“Package three is increased bone and muscle density,” Kaidan said.  “They couldn’t give me higher fight or flight response or increased blood-clotting speed because of my implant.”

“So, basically in six months you’ll look like a Neanderthal man?” Cat asked.

Kaidan breathed out loudly through his nose, but made no other acknowledgement that she had spoken.

Three hours later I was called into the med bay.  Dr Du Pre, Admiral Greyling and a man and a woman in smart business suits were waiting inside.

“At ease, Shepard,” Admiral Greyling said when I saluted.  “This is Dr Kaufman,” he pointed at the woman, “and this is Dr Collins.”

“Nice to meet you, Jane,” Dr Kaufman said, smiling at me.  Jane?  Almost nobody called me that anymore.

“Erm, you too,” I said uncertainly.

“Now, I know this must be terrifying for you, but please do believe us when we say that we are here as your friends,” Dr Collins said.

I frowned.  “Sorry, did you say that to everyone who came in here, because if you did, I probably won’t trust you,” I said.

“Shepard,” Admiral Greyling said warningly.

“Yes, well,” Dr Kaufman said, fidgeting with her hair.  “You are seventeen, correct?”

“Yes,” I said.

“You were born and lived in space, did you not?” Dr Collins asked, looking down at his datapad.  “You must have had a medical regimen to maintain muscle density.”

“Yes,” I said.  “We all took iron supplements and used Sirta Muscle XI.”

“Good, good,” Dr Collins said gaily.  “So you’re used to medical regimens.  I see that you’re also on chronic medication for allergies and hay fever.”

“Well, technically I don’t have hay fever,” I said, deciding to take a gamble.  “I take the leukotriene for my asthma.”

“For your what?” Admiral Greyling asked in astonishment.  Clearly Commander Anderson had not told him that I had fabricated my medical records.  “Was anything you told us when you joined up true?”

“Well, sir, I am female, my name is Jane Shepard and I was born on March twelfth, 2161,” I said.

“Asthma, huh?” Dr Collins asked.  “How severe?”

“I’m apparently in the severest quadrant,” I said.  “The doctors say it’s a miracle I survived my first year.”

“And no wish to have the condition corrected?” Dr Kaufman asked.

“No, ma’am,” I said.  “My parents allegedly couldn’t afford it.”  I privately had doubts about this now that I knew how much money they had left me.

“Very well then, Jane,” Dr Kaufman said.  “Let’s proceed with the examination.”

Over the next hour I was weighed, measured, X-rayed, had my blood, bone and muscle density examined, had my sight and hearing tested, had both urine and stool samples taken, and had a pap-smear done.

“Sit down, Jane,” Dr Kaufman said when the examination was over.  I took the remaining seat.

“Well, health-wise, you seem to be in excellent shape, apart from the lungs,” Dr Collins said.  Health-wise?  No one with any self-respect spoke like that anymore.

“You are below-average height and weight, but that can easily be corrected by gene therapy,” Dr Kaufman said.  “As for the lungs, we can take a tissue sample and have new lungs grown for you by next Friday.  Of course, we’d recommend that the transplant is done after you’re done with training as you will be down for a few months.  With regards to other genetic enhancements, we’d recommend you take package one.”

“Which is?” I asked, feeling ill.

“Increased bone and muscle density, enhanced vision, heightened fight slash flight response and increased blood-clotting speed,” Dr Collins said promptly.

“Now, before you sign the contract, let us just go through the admin,” Dr Kaufman said, sounding excited.  “You will have to take a number of supplements each day for the next month to ensure that the therapy ‘takes’.  Thereafter, you will need to have five injections done, for the first two months twice daily, and for the final three months once a day.  Just a caution, not every enhancement takes, and Binary Helix takes no responsibility for a failed enhancement.”

“What about the risks?” I asked.

There was dead silence.  “What risks could those be?” Dr Du Pre asked at last.

“Well, the long-term risks of heart problems, hypertension, cen-,”

“We assure you there are very small risks associated with these procedures,” Dr Collins said.  “Our procedures are unlikely to lead to any kind of problems in the future.”

“Uh huh,” I said.  “And what if I say no?”

“You can’t say no,” Admiral Greyling said sharply.

“What would happen if I did?” I asked. 

“You’d get fired from the military,” Admiral Greyling said.

I almost laughed.  “Is that all?” I asked.  He nodded.  I got up.  “Sir, with the current state of the Alliance military force, you can’t afford to lose anyone else, certainly not someone as skilled as I am.  Now, you can kick me out if you want to, but there’s no way I’m doing any of these procedures.”

I strode across the room and walked out, slamming the door loudly behind me.  I knew that my behaviour would have repercussions, but at that particular moment, I didn’t care.

..... 

Admiral Greyling called me aside after our weapons and armoury class the next afternoon.  “Shepard,” he said.  “See me in my office.”

“Sir,” I said.

“What’s that about?” Ash asked.  I hadn’t told her or Kaidan the outcome of my examination.

I shrugged.

..... 

Admiral Greyling’s office was next door to Commander Anderson’s.  “Come in,” he called when I knocked.

I went in and saluted.  “Have a seat, Shepard,” he said.

“Thank you, sir,” I said.

“Why won’t you take the gene therapy?” he asked.

“Well, sir,” I said and swallowed.  “Sir, I’ve battled with my asthma all my life.  In spite of it, I have won a bunch of gymnastics competitions.  I have taken part in karate competitions.  I have become one of the top recruits at Del Sol.  Hell, it was what caused me to notice the gas in March, saving the lives of all the juniors in Pod 3 and Pod 4.  My point is, that whilst it is a hack most of the time, the pun was unintentional, it is part of who I am, a part of my identity.  It’s the same with my height.”

“Ok, I can understand that, I suppose,” Admiral Greyling said after a pause.  “So, why won’t you take the genetic enhancements?”

“Sir, if I won’t take away my flaws, then I have very little right to add perfections,” I said quietly.  “I don’t want to be the perfect soldier.  I want to be…me.”

Admiral Greyling sighed.  “You don’t have to do the therapy, Shepard,” he said.  “I won’t fire you.  You were right, we need all the soldiers we can get.”

“Yes sir,” I said in relief.  “Thank you sir.”  I hesitated.  “Sir, can I ask something?”

“Go ahead,” he said.

“I’ve been hearing rumours that the war isn’t going well, sir,” I said.

“Where did you hear that?” he asked.

I shrugged.  “Around,” I said, vaguely.

“Yes, Shepard, the war is going badly for the Alliance,” Admiral Greyling said.  “After the accident we had here and all the losses we suffered prior the outbreak of the war, the Alliance military force was severely reduced.”

“It seems a bit strange, though doesn’t it?” I asked.  “That we would lose so many men just before a war, and then lose our newest intake of recruits.”

“What are you saying, Shepard?” Admiral Greyling asked sharply.

I dropped my gaze.  “Just that it seems that someone is targeting the Alliance military,” I mumbled.

There was a pause.  I looked up to see Admiral Greyling frowning at me.  “There are others that have voiced your suspicions, Shepard,” he said.  “Just know that the Alliance is investigating this, but that the results probably won’t be made known to you.”

“Understood, sir,” I said.

“Dismissed Shepard,” Admiral Greyling said.  “And good luck at the shooting range next week.”

I saluted.  “Thank you sir,” I said.

..... 

As though fate somehow decided to display its sense of humour directly after this conversation, I had an asthma attack just before I went onto the shooting range for the marksmanship competition.  I’m still not sure what set this one off, but I think it was probably due to nerves.

I was literally walking from the changing room, when I collapsed. 

Kaidan was walking behind me.  “Jane?” he asked uncertainty.  I gasped incoherently.  “Oh shit, you’re having an asthma attack, aren’t you?  Fuck, fuck, fuck, what the hell am I supposed to do?”

I chucked the contents of my BOL out, scattering my perfectly packed ammunition all over the floor.

“Oh crap, now you’ve gone crazy due to oxygen starvation,” Kaidan said, sounding hysterical.  “Should I call the medics?”  I finally found my pump, gasping all the way, and puffed it into my mouth.  “Shit, Janey, please don’t die.”

Finally, finally, my breath came back to me.  “What the hell was that?” I gasped out.

“Oh thank Christ you’re alright,” Kaidan sighed.

“Kaidan, how is you screaming hysterically any help to me?” I said, gulping in the beautiful oxygen.

“Sorry, I don’t do well under pressure,” Kaidan said. 

“Yeah, no kidding,” I mumbled.  “Help me get my ammunition together again.”

At that moment Ismaeel appeared.  “Shepard, they called your name five minutes ago,” he said.  “What’s the hold-up?”

“Sorry, I had…issues,” I said. 

“Well, hurry it up, another two minutes and you’re disqualified,” Ismaeel said.

“Coming,” I muttered, stuffing the last pistol clip into my BOL and getting up.

“Hey,” Kaidan said.  I turned to him.  “Shoot the hell out of them,” he said.

There was a deep silence as I stepped out into the shooting range.  “Senior Recruit Jane Shepard, who last year shot up the record of the worst ever score seen at Del Sol Academy,” Shane Templesmith, the announcer, said.  “She has however, since her very first month here, gotten the highest score, in weapons and armoury that the academy offers.  We are all curious to see how she fares today.”

I stepped up to the rifle targets and loaded the rifle.  Admiral Greyling was the umpire at the rifle range.  “Are you ready Shepard?” he asked.  “You have one minute to hit the ten targets.”

“Ready and able,” I said.

“Your one minute begins…now,” he said.

The bell rang and I raised my rifle and aimed.

..... 

At the end of the competition the top five competitors were announced and had to move to the front of the shooting range.  “So, the results are in,” Shane Templesmith announced.  “The top five, in alphabetical order, are, of Pod 6, Senior Recruit Kaidan Alenko, also in Pod 6, Senior Recruit Catlin McDougal, in Pod 3, Junior Recruit Geoffrey O’Connor, in Pod 3 Senior Recruit Jane Shepard, and in Pod 1, Senior Recruit Boris Uvaneska.  Please make your way to the front.”

My legs were shaking when I moved to the front of the shooting range with the others. 

“And now, to announce the top three, we have Admiral Peter Grayling,” Shane Templesmith announced, his voice filled with gravitas.

“Well, I must say, I am very impressed with everyone’s scores in this competition,” Admiral Greyling said into the mike.  “However, we can only have one winner.”  Cat puffed herself up.  Kaidan rolled his eyes at me.

“In third place, with eight hundred and fifty points, is Senior Recruit Kaidan Alenko of Pod 6,” Admiral Greyling said.  The Pod 6 grunts and Cat burst into applause as Kaidan went to go fetch his medal.  “In second place, with a score of nine hundred and seventy points, also from Pod 6 is Senior Recruit Catlin McDougal,” Admiral Greyling continued.  There was a round of polite applause.  I think everyone was expecting Cat to win again.

She glared at me as she took her place in line again.  “And finally, in first place, with a record-breaking score of one thousand and ten points, we have Senior Recruit Jane Shepard of Pod 3,” Admiral Greyling said.

The roar was deafening.  Pod 3 was once again in the running.

..... 

“So Shep, how many records can you still break in this place?” Suang asked conversationally.  We were all packing our bags in preparation for December week which would begin the next day.

“I don’t know,” I said.  “Shall we see?”

“Ha, damn Shep, you shot well today,” Mikhail laughed.  “Most of the soldiers stationed back home on Akuze can’t shoot as well as you can, and they’ve served for years.”

“Why thank you,” I said, pleased.

“I’d like to propose a toast,” Zac said, jumping onto Pierre’s bunk, which was above his own.

“Get off my bed, Tobrin,” Pierre snapped.

“To Jane Shepard, the best marksman this hell hole has ever seen,” Zac continued, ignoring Pierre.

“Oh come on, now,” I said, getting embarrassed.  “It was a team effort.”

“If anyone else here won, I might agree,” Bridget said, clapping me on the back.  “But you were already good when you got here.  In seven months, when we graduate, the galaxy won’t know what hit it.”

We looked around soberly, realising that our time left in relative safety was fast drawing to a close, that we would soon be launched most probably into a state of open warfare.

“It’s still a long way off,” Zac said comfortingly.

“Yeah,” Ismaeel agreed.  “The war might be over by the time we graduate.”

When I’d finished packing, I got up.  “Going somewhere, Shep?” Kyle, who had finished stone last in the competition, asked.

“Yeah,” I said.  “I need to visit someone.”

The someone was not Kaidan (surprise surprise), but Elizabeth Fischer, who was leaving Del Sol the next day.  When I knocked on her door and went in, I saw that most of her things had already been packed into a large backpack.

“Hey, Jane,” she said.

“Hey,” I said.  “So, you’ve been reassigned, huh?”

She nodded.  “I was only meant to be here for eighteen months,” she said.  “I’m going home to Cape Town so that I can finish my degree.”  She hesitated.  “Do you want to take a walk with me, Jane?” she asked.

“Sure,” I said, shrugging.  “Why not?”

We walked around the compound.  “So, I hear you did exceptionally well on the shooting range today,” she said.  “In fact, word around the compound is that you’ve been doing exceptionally well in all your classes.”

“Yeah,” I said.  “I guess all I needed to do was believe in myself, right?”

She smiled.  “Right,” she said. 

“I want to tell you something,” I said, and told her about my conversation with Admiral Greyling the day after the meeting with Binary Helix.  “Then I said, ‘If I won’t change my flaws, I have no right to add perfections.  I don’t want to be the perfect soldier, I just want to be me.’.”

“Wow,” Elizabeth said.  “Sounds sort of like exactly the opposite of what your father would have wanted.  It must have been quite scary for you to say that.”

“It was,” I admitted.  “It felt good though, to say what I want, instead of what he wanted.”

“I can imagine,” Elizabeth said.  “You’ve come a long way from our first session Jane.  You’ve begun to believe in yourself, you’re a lot less self-destructive, and you’re stepping away from the persona that your father created for you and forging your own identity.  That’s something to be proud of.”

“I guess,” I said.  I turned to her.  “I know,” I said.

“Know what?” she asked quietly.

“That you pretended to be my friend so that you could treat me,” I said.  “I read a lot, I know that shrinks aren’t allowed to make friends with clients.”

“Well, the fact that you kept coming back to me says a lot,” Elizabeth said.  “I don’t think you’re the type who trusts people easily, especially not people of my profession.”

“At first I told myself that I kept going back to you because I enjoyed your company, but later I realised that it was because you saw me clearly,” I said.  “And you helped me see myself.”

She laughed.  “You know something, Jane?” she asked.  “I think you’ll be fine.”

“Thanks, but I still spend every minute of the day terrified,” I said sourly.  “What about you?  Will you be fine?”

“I’ve been given another chance by the Alliance Council of Social Services Professionals, but if I behave in an unethical manner again, I’ll get kicked out for good,” she answered.  She saw my face.  “Don’t worry, I’m an excellent waitress.  People tend to look over the fact that I am continuously dropping their meals.  They find it endearing for some reason.”  She looked at her omnitool.  “It’s ten to twelve, you need to get back to your pod,” she said.

“Yeah,” I said.  I hesitated.  “Thanks for everything, Elizabeth,” I said.

“It was truly a pleasure, Senior Recruit,” she said.  She held out her hand and I shook it.  “Good luck for the future.”

“You too,” I said.  “Who knows, we may run into each other in the future.”

“You never know,” she agreed.  She turned and walked back in the direction of her office.  I watched her walk off before heading back to Pod 3.

..... 

Ash and I were staying with Bridget and Matilda again.  Bridget said that her father had paid her five million credits as conscience money, so she was thinking of taking us all to a spa as an early Remembrance Day present.

“I’m not sure I’m all that comfortable with strangers touching my naked body,” I said as we waited to go into the command centre for assembly.

“I thought you had a one night stand in July,” Bridget said.

“Well, uh, that’s why I’m not comfortable,” I bullshitted.

“These are asari masseuses,” Bridget said.  “They’re supposed to be good at this.”

“What, touching naked strangers?” I asked.

“That too,” Bridget laughed.

“Look, I’m definitely not comfortable with aliens touching me,” Ash said.

“Is she racist?” Bridget asked me.

“Very.  It’s her only flaw,” I said.  “Look, it’s a long story.”

Assembly was dull.  Admiral Greyling reminded us to hold up the proud name of the Alliance.  I’m not sure, but I think everyone was thinking that the Alliance had lost its proud name long ago.  The mark readings were interesting.  Pod 3 once again managed to astound, with Geoffrey O’Connor being top of all the juniors and Kasuumi Dranne making it second in the pod.  I was top of the pod and of the seniors, with Bridget second in the pod and Ash sixth.  Kaidan was top of Pod 6, but only fourth in the year.

“Is it just me, or is Alenko losing traction?” Zac whispered in my ear.

It was true.  Kaidan was struggling with the work for this year far more than he had the previous.  A lot of the work we were doing required split-second decision making rather than an in-depth weighing-up of the options.  Kaidan, with his difficulty with his instincts found this challenging, and whilst he seemed to be learning, he was learning at a slower pace than any of the rest of us. 

Nicos and I were also called to the front, Nicos to receive a medal for winning the hand-to-hand competition, and me for winning the marksmanship competition.

Finally, we were released.

“Have you noticed that nobody’s died yet?” Zac remarked.

“I’m pretty sure that the Alliance is doing everything in its power to keep us all alive,” Cat said.  “They are severely understaffed after all.”

“For once I agree with the ginger twit,” I said.

“That was uncalled for,” Cat said, scowling at me.

“You’re right,” I agreed sincerely.  “I’m sorry.  Please continue.”

“Well, if you think about it, there have been far fewer FPs this year so far than we had last year,” Cat said, tossing her head.  “I think they’ll take just about anyone now.”  For some reason she continued to glare at me.

“Why are you glaring at me?” I asked.  “It’s not my fault that the Alliance soldiers are dropping like flies.”

“She’s pissed because you beat her at the marksmanship competition,” Kaidan said.

“Oh,” I said.  “Come on, McDougal, fair’s fair.  The best man shot the best, or something to that effect anyway.”

She gave a loud sniff and turned her back on me.  I rolled my eyes at Ash, who stifled a giggle.

..... 

December week was much the same as the previous year, except no one found long-lost half-sisters or were left pistols by their dead fathers.  Ash, Bridget and I all found outfits to wear to the dance (Ash was rather put out that Bridget bought herself a full tuxedo).  I ended up choosing the dress that Ash liked the best, as I thought I looked awful in all of them.

..... 

In the first week of January we started our Zero Gravity training.  Zero Gravity training (or ZeeGee training as it was more commonly referred to), was training every marine had to go through, in order to qualify, even if he was destined for a life in the diplomatic corps.  At some point, some fool somewhere had expanded on the old saw ‘every marine a rifleman’, and added in the lovely phrase ‘and every rifleman ZeeGee certified’.

Before our first go in the ZeeGee chamber, we had a briefing with Sergeant Rhys about what to expect.

“I don’t know why they asked me to do this,” he said, glaring around at all of us.  “Gunners are never dropped into zero gravity atmospheres.  That job is solely reserved for you Jarheads and for the paratroopers who have to recover your corpses.  Now, you obviously passed your medicals, or else you wouldn’t be here.  You aren’t allowed into ZeeGee atmospheres unless you are of perfect health, and marines who work in ZeeGee conditions have to go for frequent check-ups.”  He glared at me, and I shrugged.  Dr du Pre had found no reason to keep me from the chamber, rubbish lungs or no.

“Sounds lovely already,” Bridget mumbled.

“Now, a few notes,” Sergeant Rhys continued.  “You will only be going into the ZeeGee chamber in full pressure suit, breather helmet and magnetic boots next month, where we will also be removing the atmosphere of the chamber.  For this week, you will only be getting accustomed to the sensation of being without gravity.  You will spend ten minutes in the chamber tomorrow, but we will have increased the amount of time to an hour by Sunday.  During your ten minutes tomorrow you will want to throw-up.  Do not swallow it down, gravity is against you and you will choke and probably die.  Also, bear in mind-,”

“Sorry sir,” Zac interrupted.  “Are you saying that the thirty odd of us that are left will all be upchucking at exactly the same time in there.”

“Yes, Tobrin, that is what I’m saying,” Sergeant Rhys said.  “It tends to get rather gruesome, and I pity the batmen that have to wash your uniforms.  And now to continue, make sure that you eat a good breakfast and lunch and drink plenty of fluids.  The last thing you want to do is go in there with low blood pressure and pass out.”

ZeeGee training was sounding more and more like something I didn’t want to do, yet Tuesday afternoon saw me waiting outside the ZeeGee chamber on the villa with all my fellow senior recruits.

“Ok, just a note,” Kyle said.  “Anybody vomiting on me will be dealt with severely.”

“That’s right, Jones, assert yourself,” Ismaeel said.

“I’m serious,” Kyle said.

Zac was white and trembling.  “That’s it,” he said.  “I’m quitting and becoming a stripper.”

“Relax, it’s just a bit of vomit,” I said comfortingly.  “I’m sure you’ll have worse things sprayed on you if you become a stripper.”

He gave me an acrid (ha ha) look.  “My mother’s a nurse,” he said.  “I know what goes into vomit.”

The door to the chamber opened.  “Inside,” Sergeant Rhys said and we all trooped into the chamber.

It was a long, tunnel-like room with very bright lights.  I wondered if this was so that our collective humiliations could be easily seen.

“Now, remember, don’t resist the urge to vomit,” Sergeant Rhys said.  There was a loud splattering sound.

“Sorry sir,” Zac said weakly, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.  “I thought I’d get it over with now rather than later.”

Sergeant Rhys closed his eyes and breathed out loudly through his nose.  “I’m going out now,” he said.  “I’ll count down until when you are without gravity from the observation room.”

He exited and the door, which closely resembled the door of a vault or a dungeon, shut behind him.

“So, what do we do once we’re up there?” Zonus from Pod 4 asked.

“Sing the national anthem to show that you’re proud to be with the Alliance,” Uvaneska said boredly.

“Right, can you all hear me?” Sergeant Rhys’s voice sounded over the intercom. 

“Oh my goodness, I never knew God’s voice sounded like Sergeant Rhys,” I said, clutching my chest.  “It’s a miracle.”

“Senior Recruit Shepard, shut up,” Sergeant Rhys said.  “I’m removing the gravity from the chamber in ten seconds.  Nine. Eight.  Seven.  Six.  Five.  Four.  Three.  Two.  One.”

There was a loud hissing sound.  At first nothing happened, then my feet slowly left the ground.  I gave a loud shriek and clutched Ash’s arm, who floated upwards with me.  The others started floating too.  Kyle was the first to throw up, closely followed by Edwards. My own stomach was feeling very unwell, and I knew it was only a matter of time before it threw in the towel.

There was a spatter as someone’s half-digested cracker, yoghurt and porridge hit my back.  I twisted, travelling at an unnaturally slow pace and saw Bridget floating behind me.

She gave a loud cackle.  “That was fun,” she crowed.

“Screw you, Fredrich,” I mumbled, twisting myself forward again.  Cat was floating directly in front of me.  I took careful aim and vomited in her direction.  The vomit travelled slowly in her direction and hit her with a very satisfying splosh on the back of the head. 

“Whoo, that _was_ fun,” I shouted.

“Shepard,” Cat screamed, turning slowly towards me.  “I’m going to fucking kill you.”

She struck out towards me in a manner that was uncannily similar to a breast stroke.  I attempted running through the air in the opposite direction, but realised I was not making much progress, so I grabbed Sven and pushed him in front of me.  Cat crashed into him.

“I am the strongest woman in the world,” I shouted, flexing my biceps.

Things pretty much deteriorated from there.  People discovered the fun that could come from being in a zero gravity environment.  There was a lot shoving around, three fist-fights and an Irish jig (I’m still not sure where the jig came from).  Someone lit up a cigarette and managed to cover those nearest to him in ash.

“Come on you aren’t taking it seriously,” Sergeant Rhys shouted into the intercom.

“And it’s ‘Come away come away with the travelling show, come away with the raggle daggle gypsy oh,’,” I shouted, clapping the time.

“If you don’t start taking this seriously, you’re all on a charge,” Sergeant Rhys bellowed.  “This is supposed to be a learning experience.”

“’Once, not long ago, the humans were divided into continents and again into countries,’” a chorus made up of Mikhail, Sven, Kaidan and De Valentino sang.  “’Neighbours ignored and no one cared.  Now we stand united under the banner of the Alliance, we are proud to call the one next to us brother.  Remember this, we need each other for survival, and let no man stand alone.  Stand fast, stand strong, stand together.’”

“Right, I warned you,” Sergeant Rhys shouted.  There was another loud hiss, and we were all flung to the ground.  A mixture of ash, saliva and vomit pattered down on top of us.

“Oh my head,” I mumbled.  Clearly it did not do well with a sudden reappearance of gravity.

The door of the chamber was flung open.  “On your feet,” Sergeant Rhys shouted.  We all clambered unsteadily to our feet.  Some people didn’t make it the first time and had to sit down before getting up again.

“This was a training exercise,” he bellowed, his eyes popping out of his head.  “Do you think the enemy will care if you’re floating around somewhere, playing silly buggers?  Not a fuck.  We’re at war, and you all need to be prepared.  You are now all a charge.  Follow me.”

We followed him meekly out of the chamber, back towards the academy and into the gymnasium.  “I want you all to do drills,” he said.

“Can we shower first, sir?” Sven asked.

“No,” he snapped.  “Drills.  Now.”

We started off.  At the end of the hour, he was still not satisfied.  “Sir, we have other classes,” Cat panted.

“Do I look like I care, McDougal?” he asked.  “Let me see your drills again.”

“What’s happening here, Sergeant?” Commander Anderson asked from the door.

Sergeant Rhys sprang to attention so fast he was a blur.  We followed suit more slowly.  “These recruits were making a fool of themselves and the Alliance in the ZeeGee chamber, Commander Anderson sir,” he said.

“Really?” Commander Anderson asked.  “Er, why do they look like the world’s most disgusting breakfast?”

“Vomit, sir,” Sergeant Rhys said.  “And cigarette ash.”

“Huh,” Commander Anderson said.  “Dismiss these men please, Sergeant.  I need Pod 3 and Pod 4 for fitness and there’s a DP tonight, so they need to clean themselves up.”

“Aye aye sir,” Sergeant Rhys said.  He turned to us.  “Don’t let me catch you doing that again.  Dismissed.”

We saluted him, and the other pods left.

“Pod 3 and Pod 4, please go and shower, you look and smell like an alcoholic’s worst nightmare, and at the same time, darkest fantasy,” Commander Anderson said.  “We will do more weight-lifting when you get back.”

..... 

At quiet hour we all filed into the command centre.  Commander Anderson was waiting at the front of the room.

“What do you reckon this is about?” Ash whispered.  I shrugged.

“Right, shut the hell up, all of you,” Commander Anderson said.  We all shut up.  “Today we are lucky to have a little disciplinary procedure for two of our grunts.  Bedhead, tell me what the protocols say about fraternization among soldiers.”

“Don’t do it, sir,” a Pod 1 grunt squeaked.

“Exactly Bedhead, you might actually qualify after all,” Commander Anderson said.  “Don’t do it.  The penalty, both here and in the big bad world of the Alliance Military, for fraternization is six months in the brig.  This is made known to all of you in your very first week at Del Sol, and yet just last night two Pod 3 recruits were caught on camera getting it on.”

My heart sank.  Had someone put a camera up in the empty room?  “Jane?” Ash whispered in my ear.

“Shut up,” I hissed.

“But such stupidity should be congratulated, not hidden,” Commander Anderson continued.  “When I call your name, please come to the front and take a bow.  Ken, Saddo, Dumbshit and Dark ‘n’ Lovely.”

Wait, what?  Ismaeel looked equally confused as we walked to the front of the room, Maria and Nicos closely following us.  Kaidan was glaring at us both.

“Firstly, the officers in charge of keeping these grunts under control, Ken and Saddo,” Commander Anderson said.  “Go on, take a bow, both of you.”

We both gave half-hearted bows.  The room broke into loud applause.  “That’s enough,” Commander Anderson snapped when the applause turned into a standing ovation complete with loud whistles and cheers.  The applause stopped instantly.  “And now finally, the happy couple: Ms Maria ‘Dumbshit’ Marquez, and Mr Nicos ‘Dark ‘n’ Lovely’ Anistropolus.  Take a bow please.”

Nicos clearly knew how much trouble they were in, for his bow was more of a bob of the head.  Maria however did not know the severity of the situation.  She sank into a low curtsey and acknowledged the applause by blowing kisses out into the audience.

“Now, before these two are taken away to think on their sins, we have a special treat for you all,” Commander Anderson went on.  He pressed a button on the terminal on the lectern and the screen behind him lit up.  There were loud cheers and whistles as the Marquez-Anistropolus love-scene appeared. 

Fifteen minutes later the scene was still playing.  “What the hell is he on, steroids?” Ismaeel mumbled.

“He’s really slow,” I whispered.  “Almost too slow.”

Twenty minutes later, when there was still no end in sight, Commander Anderson switched the vid off.  By this stage the novelty had worn off and most of the audience was either talking among themselves, completing homework or engaging in some much-needed sleep.

“You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Dark ‘n’ Lovely, for emasculating every single man in this room,” Commander Anderson said.  Four members of the military police appeared silently next to us. 

Commander Anderson sighed.  “In lieu of Admiral Greyling, who couldn’t be bothered to pitch up for this DP, I sentence you both to five months at the Alliance Military Prison on Grageran Space Station.  Take them away.”

I watched as the police took Maria and Nicos away.  I couldn’t help but wonder how I would have felt if it had been Kaidan and me on that screen, if we were being led away.  Then I wondered what we would do the following year, when we would most likely be posted to different units and would not have access to an empty room.

“Maria,” Nicos called as they were led away.  “Maria, I love you, Maria.  Wait for me.”

“Oh God, I signed on for glory and riches, not a bloody musical,” Commander Anderson groaned.  “Dismissed.”

..... 

In February a memorial was held for those that had died in the radiation the previous year.  Thankfully not much of a meal was made of Kaidan and my heroics, but rather a bell was rung for every person that had died.  It seemed strange for me to think that it had only been a year since then.  It felt like far longer. 

There had been no unexplained accidents, either at Del Sol or in the greater galaxy, and I could only think that whoever it had been had achieved whatever it was he had wanted to achieve.  Kaidan, Ash and I were still hard at work trying to find who the command code belonged to, but we weren’t finding anything.  Kaidan was also regularly checking the computer in the empty room, but the only change was that someone had recently finished Dragon Age Origins in record time.

“Forty hours,” I said, impressed.  “Jason never finished the game in less than fifty.  Any idea who did this?”

“No, but his character name was Theron Mahariel,” Kaidan said.

The endurance week started two weeks later.  I retained my championship through will-power, stamina, superior training and auditory hallucinations of my father shouting at me.  The competition itself was pretty ridiculous.  Everyone had dropped out by day five, leaving McDougal and me to battle it out on our own again.  By the end of the day she was shouting at the walls and was retired due to extreme insanity brought on by a mixture of heat exhaustion and dehydration.  Everyone said that my victory was a fluke as I was merely whispering at the walls and not shouting.

My birthday itself was uneventful.  I was chucked, fully clothed, into the shower, and the trainers had me run errands around the compound, but given what had happened at my previous birthday, I counted my blessings.  And so training went on.  We were worked hard and demanded much, with very little time to rest up, but it made the time pass and kept us pretty much on the straight and narrow.  Sort of anyway.  Life continued as normal at Del Sol Academy, until the roundrobin, where the next tragedy hit us.

..... 

Everyone was looking forward to the roundrobin.  Pod 3 had done the impossible the previous year by winning, and everyone wanted to see if they would be able to do it again.  The seniors were still expected to attend training, but we also needed to help out in the roundrobin challenges (for example, shoot blanks at the grunts as they did the relay, help out at the obstacle course, program the mechs to shoot at the grunts, and other such charming things).  It was fun, in a sadistic sort of way, to see the grunts suffer the same way we had.

Pod 1 did averagely, all their teams getting less than two hundred points.  Pod 2 did far better, with their highest score being four hundred points.  To everyone’s shock, a team made up of Geoffrey O’Connor, Kasuumi Dranne and Jacques Sante dominated Pod 3 and got a score of four hundred and fifty five points, which both Pod 4 and Pod 5 were unable to catch. 

“So, looks like Pod 3 has another championship,” Kaidan said gloomily.  It was the Sunday before Pod 6 was due to start their leg.  We were all sitting in the rec room.

“Don’t sound so depressed,” Suang said.  “Your grunts might catch ours.”

“Have you seen my grunts?” Kaidan asked.  “Most of them barely know the barrel of a pistol from the butt.  They’re hopeless.”

The door of the room opened.  “Alenko, aren’t you meant to be in Pod 6?” Casey asked.

“Yes, sir, but only McDougal is there and she’s dead depressing,” Kaidan said.

“Alenko, back to your dorm now,” Casey said.

“Sir,” Kaidan said, getting up.  “You’ll see tomorrow.  They won’t catch your score.”

Casey waited until Kaidan had left.  “Where’s Khan?” he asked.

“On duty sir,” Zac said.

“Very well, Shepard, I need to speak to you,” he said.

“Someone’s been bad,” Sven remarked.

“Can it Mahlberg, or I’ll have you clean the john out,” Casey said. 

I followed him to his office.  “What’s this about, sir?” I asked.

“It’s about Tobrin,” Casey said, turning soberly to me.

My heart sank.  Whatever this was, it was bad.  “What about him, sir?” I asked.

“We just received word,” Casey said.  “Tobrin’s mother was out in the Montenegro region on Skyllia, tending to the wounded.  She was killed in a bomb blast last Tuesday.”

I sat down.  My veins felt like they had been flooded by something far colder than ice.  For a moment all I could see was Zac’s mother sitting by his bed as he lay unconscious.

“What do you need from me?” I whispered.

“I need you to break the news to him, Shepard,” Casey said.  “You’re his direct superior and he trusts you.”

Edwards had received leave when her brother had been killed.  “Will he get time off, sir?” I asked, my voice hoarse.

“A request needs to be routed to me through you and Khan,” Casey said.  “Come speak to me if he wants to take leave.”

“Understood sir,” I said quietly.  “Can I go?”

“You can, Shepard,” he said.

On my way back to our dorm I heard a gasping coming from the shower room.  Hoping not to find another breach of protocol, I pushed the door open.  The boy was sixteen, but he seemed much younger.  He was short, maybe five foot four and his face was almost purple from the effort of keeping his gasps silent.  I knew immediately what was wrong with him.

“Hey,” I said quietly.  He pulled himself upright.  “It’s alright, you don’t have to salute me.  You’re asthmatic, aren’t you?”  He nodded.  “Do you have your pump with you?”  He shook his head.  “Ok, you’ll be ok.”

I led him into one of the toilet stalls and sat him down so that his elbows could rest on the cistern.  “There you go,” I said.  “Just keep breathing.  You’ll be fine.”

Eventually his breathing slowed down.  “What’s your name?” I asked. 

“Tobias,” he answered.

“Your other name,” I asked.

“Brad,” he said.

“I’m Jane, Brad,” I said.

“I know,” he said.  “You’re the one that beat the record in the Survival simulation.  And you won the marksmanship competition, and the endurance competition.”

“I guess,” I said, uncomfortably.

“All the grunts love you,” he continued.  “They think you’re the most awesome senior.”

This was new.  “Why?” I asked.  “I’m just like you, only shorter and older.”

“Yes ma’am,” Brad said.

“So, tell me something, Brad,” I said.  “How come you left your dorm without your pump?”

“It ran out,” Brad said.  “No one here knows I’m asthmatic, and I was going to wait until I go on leave in August to get a new one.”

“What, you were going to hang out in the bathroom every time you had an asthma attack?” I asked.  “Kid, that’s not the brightest idea in the world.”

“You have a better idea?” he snapped.  I had to admit I did not.  “Why do you care about this?  Are you going to tell?”

“No, I’m not going to tell,” I said.

“Why not?” he asked.

I pulled my pump out of my BOL.  “I’m like you, Brad,” I said.  His eyes widened.  “You should get back to your dorm,” I said.

He saluted me then.  “Thank you ma’am,” he said.

I acknowledged the salute.  “Good luck for tomorrow, Junior Recruit Tobias,” I said.

“Acknowledged,” he said.  He turned and left.  I waited until I had heard his dorm door closed before going back to my dorm and calling Zac outside.

..... 

That wasn’t the tragedy. 

..... 

When Zac and I were done talking and he had mostly stopped crying, we went back to the dorm.  The others somehow knew something was wrong, for they were silent when we walked back inside.  Zac got into his bunk and pulled the covers over his head.

..... 

Zac’s mother dying wasn’t the tragedy either.

...... 

That evening Casey reappeared in the dorm.  “Shepard, Khan, walk with me,” he said.

We followed him out of the dorm.  “Sir, Tobrin wants to request leave,” I said.

“Of course, Shepard,” Casey said.  “Will you be able to meet with me tomorrow at ten?”

“That’s when the race is, sir,” Ismaeel said.

“I know, but it’s the only time I’m free,” Casey said.

“I have no desire to shoot at this batch of grunts, so I’m good with ten,” I said.

“Me too, I guess,” Ismaeel said.

“Good,” Casey said.  “Anyway, the reason I called you out here is because we need someone to go down to the armoury to assemble ammo clips for tomorrow.  You know the drill: they need to be filled with blanks.”

We both sighed.  It was close to eleven o’clock, and we were due in galactic history.  “Aye aye sir,” I said.

“Do we even have access to live ammunition?” Ismaeel asked once we were out of earshot.

“Of course not,” I said.  “They’re kept in a safe.  He just needs to tell us these things so that he can feel important or something.”

We finished the clips at close to two in the morning.  At four we were woken up by the siren, and by five o’clock we were all inside the main building for our turian class.

At quarter to ten the others were called down to the running track to get ready for the relay.  Ismaeel and I went back up to Pod 3 to meet with Casey.  From up there we could hear the gunshots from the running track.

“How’s Tobrin?” he asked without preamble.

“He’s sleeping,” I said.

“I heard he didn’t go to training this morning,” Casey said.

“Yes sir,” Ismaeel said.  “We’ll talk to him.”

“Good,” Casey said.  “Now, I don’t want to drag this out too long.  Tobrin will get a week’s leave to travel to London and say his goodbyes.  A shuttle-,” there was a loud boom from the running track.

“The mortars are loud today,” Ismaeel remarked.

The air was rent with screams.  “Those weren’t mortars,” I said slowly.

All three of us were on our feet and running.  The air at the running track was full of smoke and dust and it took us a while to take in what we were seeing.

The first thing we saw was the blood.  It was everywhere, covering everything, the earth, the stirring figures on the ground.

“Ashley,” I screamed.  I turned over the first body I came to, which was one of the Pod 6 grunts.  It was clear immediately that he was dead.

Behind me I could hear Casey calling it in.  “Multiple dead and/or injured, send medical aid and backup immediately,” he said.

I moved onto the next body, which turned out to be Edwards from Pod 4.  I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw her move.

“Edwards,” I said.  “Michelle, are you ok?”

“I can’t hear,” she whispered.  “Shepard, I can’t hear.”

“Can you see?” I signed.  She nodded.  I gripped her hand.  “You’ll be ok,” I signed with my free hand.  “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.”

A few feet from me Ismaeel was turning bodies over, looking for survivors.

..... 

The medics arrived within minutes and were soon categorising the bodies on the ground into categories (the dead: those closest to the blast, all the junior recruits from Pod 6, and the Pod 5 senior that was posing as the match official; the severally injured: those next closest to the blast, all the seniors from Pods 1, 2 and 4; and the minor injured and shell-shocked: all the seniors from Pod 3, 5 and 6, and all the trainers).

Admiral Greyling was on his feet almost immediately.  Ismaeel and I were helping the medics move the less injured individuals away, and treating the wounds we felt most comfortable with.

“Who filled the ammo clips last night?” he bellowed.

“Khan and Shepard, sir,” Casey answered.  “Why do you ask?”

It turned out that what we all assumed to be a terrorist attack was not that at all.  Someone had apparently filled the ammo clips for the rifles with live ammunition, and replaced the air-shells for the mortars with real shells.  Apparently the others hadn’t seen through the smoke that the people they were shooting at were falling.  The loud explosion Casey, Ismaeel and I had heard had been the mortar gun firing.

Ismaeel and I were taken to the one holding cell that Del Sol possessed.  Half an hour later we were taken to the conference room.  Admiral Greyling, Admiral Hackett and Admiral Kahoku were all waiting for us.

“Now, we can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way,” Admiral Greyling said.  His expression was cold.  “Either way you are going to be charged with treason, but you can tell us here who you work for, or we can turn you over to the military police and they can…extract the information from you.”

“No one, sir,” I whispered.  My lips were numb and I was trembling so hard my chair was shaking.  “We didn’t replace those bullets.”

“I don’t believe you, Shepard,” Admiral Greyling whispered.

“It’s the truth,” I said.  I clenched my hands into fists so that no one would see them shaking.

“Is it Cerberus?” Admiral Greyling asked.  “Is that it?  Or is it some gang from the Terminus Systems?”

“It’s like Jane said,” Ismaeel said.  “We loaded the clips with blanks, like Casey ordered us to.”

“You’re lying,” Admiral Greyling shouted, his eyes popping slightly.  “Tell me the fucking truth now, or I’ll beat it out of you.”

“Easy, Peter,” Admiral Hackett said quietly.

“Don’t tell me to go easy, Stephan, these weren’t your recruits that you just lost,” Admiral Greyling bellowed.

“I know that, but beating these two up without authorisation will just get you into trouble too,” Admiral Hackett said.  “The N1 techs are pulling the video footage from the armoury as we speak, and we’ll be able to work out whose passcode was used to open the safe that holds the live ammo.  For now, stand down.”

“I swear sir, it wasn’t us,” I said.  “I would never do something like this.”

“Shepard, this is bad enough for you,” Admiral Hackett said sharply.  “I suggest you keep your mouth shut.”

“It sort of fits that Shepard was behind this,” Admiral Kahoku said, speaking for the first time.  “She was the one that detected the gas last year before everyone else.”

“Why would I warn everyone if I wanted the Alliance brought down?” I asked tiredly.

“Shepard, shut up,” Admiral Hackett shouted.  “You too, Tibbet.”

At that moment the door opened and two N1 techs came in and saluted.  “We have the footage,” one said.

“Good work, Analyst Demyter,” Admiral Hackett said.  “Present your findings.”

“The footage shows Shepard and Khan working in the armoury from 2305 hours until 0143 hours,” Analyst Demyter said.  “We confirm that they are definitely filling the ammo clips with blanks, and that neither of them went near the crates containing the air shells.  Furthermore, both of them went directly back to Pod 3 when they were done and did not leave their beds until 0400 hours when the rising siren rang.”

“So they are innocent,” Admiral Hackett said slowly.

“Yes sir, we believe so,” Analyst Demyter said.

“Did you at least catch whoever it was on tape?” Admiral Greyling asked.

“Not exactly sir,” Analyst Demyter said.  “At 0154 hours a virus was released into the system that shut down all video footage in that area of the compound.  The virus deleted itself at 0325 hours, by which stage our perpetrator had left the area.  Furthermore, the safe was not opened at all yesterday, and we’ve already done an inventory in there.  Nothing’s missing.  We did confirm that the bullets were made by Elkoss Combine, but all our ammunition comes from there, so there’s no way of knowing who bought it.  Whoever did this was wearing gloves or something to cover his fingertips and left no prints.”

“Can you at least trace the virus?” Admiral Greyling asked.

“No, sir,” Analyst Demyter said. “Whoever did this covered their tracks.  They deleted any trace of the virus from the server using a burner omnitool.  The omnitool is still emitting a signal, and we are close to finding its location, but we doubt very much that we will learn anything from it.  Whoever did this went to great lengths to cover their tracks.”  She hesitated.  “I think whoever this was is a tech expert.  They were very careful to leave as little trace of themselves in the server as possible.  If I didn’t know what to look for, I’d never have known the server had been hacked.”

“Good work, Analyst, you may go,” Admiral Greyling said.

“It’s clear that Shepard and Khan are innocent in this affair,” Admiral Hackett said.  “Can they go?”

“Yes,” Admiral Greyling said.  “Shepard, Khan, dismissed.  Return to your dorm.”

..... 

That wasn’t the tragedy either.  The tragedy was that the next day we had to go back to our training as if nothing had happened.  I’ve only ever hated the Alliance more once since then.

..... 

Of course we all came together as a group for a debriefing.  For most of the senior recruits, it had been the first time they’d ever killed someone, and they were all taking it hard.  Kaidan and Cat were especially struggling as it had been their junior recruits that had died.  Admiral Greyling, and the new student social worker, Gerard Huberman, chaired the meeting.

Close to the end of the hour, Uvaneska put his hand up.  “Do you wish to say something, Boris?” Gerard asked.

“Yes,” Uvaneska said.  “Am I the only one seeing the pattern here?”

“What do you mean?” Gerard asked.

“I mean that last year sensors failed to pick up radiation fallout that subsequently killed ninety nine recruits, and this year someone switched ammo clips so that we killed all twelve Pod 6 grunts,” Uvaneska said.  “It’s obvious someone is targeting the marine recruits.”

“We are aware of these allegations, and Alliance Intelligence is busy investigating as we speak,” Admiral Greyling said.  “However, this is all classified, and we would prefer that this information not leave the room.”

After the meeting, I pulled Ash and Kaidan aside.  “We need to tell someone what we know,” I said in a low voice.

“Tell who?” Kaidan asked.  “And tell them what?”

“That we know the code of whoever’s doing this, and that we know from which computer they’re working from,” I said.  “They can run the code and know who it is within ten minutes. We can’t just sit on this.  Too many people are dying.”

“Jane’s right,” Ash said.  “If we can help-“

“We can’t just tell,” Kaidan said.  “They’d want to know how we got the information and we’d have to tell them we hacked into the Alliance Military database, which is a capital offence.  We’d also have to tell them that we’ve been using an admiral’s access code to get into the empty room, which is fraud, a jail sentence of twenty five years.  Now, you two might get away with jail time, but as I was the one doing the hacking and this is my third offence, I’ll be put to death.”

I thought about this.  “We can send it in,” I said.  “Anonymously.  You know how to send emails without leaving a trail, right?”

“I can do it,” Kaidan said.  “It’d have to happen next com Sunday though.”

..... 

Kaidan sent the information through a false email address to Admiral Greyling.  We never heard anything back on it, and assumed that the intel was being processed.  However, Commander Anderson showed up at the next assessment week, and Cat made no indication that her father had been arrested.  I decided that maybe our instincts on the culprit had been wrong.

Things sort of returned to normal at Del Sol.  A number of people still had to go for trauma counselling, and I supposed the new social worker was having an interesting time of it.  Zac returned from his mother’s funeral, and was quieter than he had been before.  Kasuumi, Geoffrey and Jacques won the roundrobin, which meant that it was up to us seniors to win the mastery competition and secure us the five. 

No one was really interested in winning the five any more though.  Most of us just wanted to survive until August, where we would be unleashed on the big bad world, and probably die within eight months.

The war on Skyllia was worse than ever, and news reports said that war analysts believed there was very little chance of us reclaiming the colony.  However, as humans didn’t surrender to aliens, we would just spend the rest of eternity fighting a pointless war over a dead colony, when we could be spending time trying to find a way to get humanity onto the Council.

...... 

The mastery competition basically tested all the work we had learnt throughout the year.  Each pod’s senior class had to work together as a team to get through each test.  As we were the only pod that was at full strength, and most likely because we were the most cohesive of all the seniors, we easily won the competition and thus the five.    No one attended the victory banquet.

After everything we had gone through though, this no longer felt like a victory.


	18. Chapter seventeen: May to July: final examinations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The senior recruits start their final examinations before graduation and Kaidan struggles to come to terms with what happened to his junior recruits. Jane works out who is behind all the attacks and she, Ash and Kaidan set to gather evidence to bring before the Admiralty Board.

“So, in less than two months, the thirty eight of you will be unleashed onto the galaxy in a ritual of blood and fire,” Commander Anderson said.  He had called us into the command centre during our quiet hour in the middle of May.  “I have taken time from my much coveted quiet hour to tell you about the designations in the marines.”

“ _His_ coveted quiet hour?” I whispered to Ash.

“The letter given in Special Forces is N, and there are seven designations, one through seven,” Commander Anderson continued.  “One of course is where you are stuck here on the home-world, forced to analyse data while the rest of us play hero on the front lines, whilst seven is the designation that none of you will ever get.  Now, I will give you a couple of working examples of how we do the designating.  Lurch, if you would stand up please.”  Sven got to his feet.  “First: the unfortunate moron.  Tall, strong, relatively good-looking if you’re into teeth, he seems like the model soldier.  Unfortunately, then he opens his mouth.  Lurch, could you tell us all what the colony of Shanxi is most famous for?”

Sven thought about this for a while.  “Its wine?” he said at last.

“The colony of Shanxi is most famous for the fact that it was the root of an eighty year long war fought between us and the turians, known by most as the First Contact War,” Commander Anderson said.  “You see Lurch, we built a colony in turian space, which the turians were none too thrilled about, so they bombed the colony.  A human general by the name of Williams surrendered to the turians, which pissed the humans off, so they decided to send ships into Tribean, the turian home system, which just made the turians mad, so they bombed the shit out of the ships.  And that’s pretty much how it went on for eighty long years.”

“We have someone in our pod whose last name is Williams,” Sven said after a moment of thought.

“As you can see, there is not an intelligent thought in that noggin, and odds are he will not be allowed to qualify, having rendered the last two years I spent trying to train him as a waste of time,” Commander Anderson went on.  “Next: the kiss-up.  Arse-lick, if you would.  Lurch, good job, you can sit again.  Now, once again this soldier is usually pretty good at his, or in this case, her job.  Good in almost every field, this individual is charming and very manipulative.  They are used to getting their way by kissing the arses of those above them.  Observe: Arse-lick, what do you think of my hat?”

“Um,” Cat said.

“Arse-lick, live up to your name or you will spend the rest of the night running around the academy,” Commander Anderson said.

“It’s very nice, sir,” Cat said unconvincingly.

“Thank you,” Commander Anderson said.  “Adept at manipulating the emotions of those around them, the kiss-up is usually given the designation of N1.”

“Oh,” Cat said, her face falling.

“Don’t feel bad, Arse-Lick, I believe it was you that said that everyone is needed to win a war,” Commander Anderson said.

“Actually that was me, sir,” I said.

“Oh, well, that was a most timely interruption, Ken, as you bring me to my next designation,” Commander Anderson said.  “The One Who Has Overcome.  Stand up, Ken.”  I stood up.  “I mean, look at him.  He’s a boy, he’s blonde, he is yet to reach puberty, and he is three foot two inches tall and weighs about fifty pounds.”

“I’m four foot eleven,” I corrected.

“Also, he has a bit of a mouth on him,” Commander Anderson continued, ignoring me.  “In spite of this, he has managed to become an average soldier.  He can occasionally shoot straight, punches alright, and can run a bit.  This works on our sympathies and makes us think that, if he can overcome, why can’t I?  Why can’t I become a swimsuit model like I’ve always wanted?  Well, maybe because you don’t have the right body for it, Lumps.  However, overcoming adversity doesn’t necessitate excellence, and we do have a standard to maintain.  This individual rarely makes it past N2, which is home defence.”

I scowled and sat down.  “Finally, we make our way to the One Who Will Never Make It,” Commander Anderson continued.  “Charles Manson, you’re up.  There he is, tall, dark, handsome, an excellent soldier, reasonably intelligent, but not too much so, this is the perfect soldier.  Yet, there is something not quite right about him.  it might be a lack of will, the wrong family name, being born in the wrong part of the galaxy, or a flawed implant that makes you crazy, gives you fits and bad headaches.  Don’t look at me like that, Charles Manson.  Whatever the reason, he will make it to N3 or N4, but never any higher, and will never be put into any real position of power. 

“Each and every one of you fits into one of those categories, and every one of you will be designated accordingly.  Now get out of here before I get emotional and talk of my babies growing up.”

“I swear, I’d better get N1 designation,” Zac said as we filed out.

“What do you mean?” Bridget asked.

“I’ll serve my seven years with the Alliance, but I’m not going to the front lines,” Zac said.  “If I get anything other than N1, I’ll kill myself.”

“Grub, needless theatrics piss me off and tend to cause me to want to kill something, so please refrain from saying something like that again,” Commander Anderson said from behind us.

“Sir,” Zac said listlessly.

..... 

“Kaidan?” I said.

 It was close to midnight, a week before our exams started, and Kaidan and I were both basking in a post-coital glow (actually, he was basking.  I’ve never been a fan of cuddling, owing most likely to my claustrophobia.  I mainly cuddled because Kaidan liked to).

“Yeah?” he asked.

“What are we going to do?” I asked quietly.

“About what?” he asked.

“You know, when we graduate,” I said.  “Chances are we’ll get different postings, and even if we don’t, we won’t necessarily have an empty room to go to.”

“Why do you want to worry about that now?” Kaidan asked.

“Because it’s going to be happening soon,” I said.  “In two months we graduate, we get two weeks off and a week at Arcturus Station.  This is real.”

He sighed and propped himself up on one elbow.  “Jane, do you want to break up with me?” he asked.

“No,” I said in astonishment.  “Why, do you want to break up with me?”

“Not at all,” Kaidan said.  He kissed me somewhere behind my ear.  “You know I’m no good at seeing the future,” he said.  “I’ve no way of knowing what’s going to happen to us.  I do know that I want to share my life with you, no matter what the future holds.”

“So we keep going?” I asked.

“We try our best,” Kaidan said.  “And see what happens.  Maybe, if we can make it high enough in the ranks, we can marry.  If not, well, it’s only seven years before we can leave the military.”

I kissed him.  “I can live with that,” I said.  I hesitated.

“What is it?” Kaidan asked.

“I see them,” I whispered.  “When I sleep, I see them.”

“See who?”

“The dead.”

“I can’t,” Kaidan said.  “Everyone in my pod was killed, and I don’t feel anything.  Why don’t I care?  Is there something wrong with me?”

I stroked his hair.  “Just the fact that you worry that you don’t, shows that you care,” I said.

.....                                                                                                                          

And just like that, exam time was upon us.  I studied harder than ever, if only to prove to Commander Anderson that I could be more than an N2.  Unfortunately, my very first exam was mathematics, which sent me into a flat spin and, when I walked out, I was sure I had not only failed, but failed badly.  Thankfully my next exam was weapons and armoury, which I was almost certain I had aced.  The day after this, Ismaeel and I had to take the top four grunts in our pod into the simulator to test them out.  These lucky individuals ended up being Kasuumi, Geoffrey, Huang and Jacques.  They did very well, mostly because I had Kasuumi make herself invisible and scout ahead to get a view of the enemy position.  Later, when I was talking to Kaidan about how well my grunts had done, he turned away.

“What is it?” I asked.

“I would have loved to have taken my grunts into the simulator,” he said.

“I thought you’d hated your grunts,” I pointed out tentatively.

“Yeah, and now that they’re dead, I miss them like anything,” he said.

I smiled.  “You know, Kaidan, I sometimes doubt very much that you’re a psychopath,” I said.

“The PC term is antisocial,” Kaidan said, scowling.  “Why did you say that?”

“You care too much,” I said simply.

..... 

As I had chosen time-trial and capture as my two simulator exams the previous year, I had to do survival and hunt as my simulator exams.  I wasn’t too fussed about survival, as it was basically just knowing what to do in order to stay alive.  I was worried about hunt however, as success in the simulation hinged on whether or not my partner was able to react quickly and shoot accurately.

As I feared, for hunt I was paired with Kyle, who, in spite of vast improvements was still unable to react instinctively.  Our time ran out in just under two minutes.

“Sorry, Shep,” Kyle said.  “I know I ruined your chances for a good mark.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I said, forcing a smile.  “You did well.  You’ve improved so much since last year.”

“You really think so?” Kyle asked.

“Definitely,” I said.

“Good,” he said, grinning.  “I really want to get above N1.”

I privately thought that Kyle’s chances of getting to N1, never mind above it, were slim at best, but I patted him on the shoulder.  “I’m sure the trainers will recognise how much you’ve improved,” I said kindly.

My turn in the survival simulation was much better.  I was paired with Cat, and surprisingly enough we worked really well together, surviving for close to ten minutes before being knocked out.

The next big exam was fitness.  Commander Anderson had once again given us a long speech about not liking surprises, which ended with him telling us that in the exam we would be expected to go on a ten mile run, carrying a forty kilogram bag on our backs (as promised), some weight-lifting, swimming, and some wall-climbing.  By the end of the exam, my body felt like it was made of jelly, but I was positive that I had done the best I possibly could. 

Two days later, my body still felt like it was being squeezed through a very narrow tunnel that was lined with barbed-wire, but I was expected to be led with the other pod officers across the Rio desert by the remaining five N7 recruits.  Basically, this was to test how well they could lead a group of inexperienced soldiers through adverse conditions, and how well they could work together to keep us safe.  We would be attacked by mechs, minefields, long range guns and other charming features throughout the march, which took place across three days.

This particular march was very interesting, as all five N7 recruits were ‘killed’ in a mech attack in our first hour out (they weren’t literally killed.  If someone was ‘shot’ enough times, their suit would make a beeping sound, which meant that you were now dead, and had to be extracted).

“This is fucking brilliant,” De Valentino groaned once we had taken care of the rest of the mechs. 

“Now what?” Uvaneska asked.

“We call HQ, and request extraction,” I said calmly.  I called up the HQ on my omnitool.  “Hello HQ, come in HQ,” I said.

“Why are you the one that gets to make the call?” Cat asked angrily.

“McDougal shut up and collect ammo clips,” I snapped.  “Hello HQ, come in HQ.”

“HQ here,” Commander Anderson said into my radio.

“HQ, this is squad N52,” I said.  “All commanding officers are down.  Requesting extraction.”

“I don’t copy, N52, repeat,” Commander Anderson said, sounding annoyed.

“All our commanding officers are down,” I said.  “We are requesting extraction.”

“No, you must go on for the good of the mission,” one of the N7 recruits said weakly from the ground.

“Will you shut up?” I snapped.  “You’re dead.”

“Understood, N52, stand by,” Commander Anderson said.

“Shepard out,” I said.  “Freddie.”

“What is it now?” Freddie asked, popping up.

“Can you keep a look out for us, and let us know if anyone is coming this way?” I asked.

If it had eyes, it would have rolled them.  “Fine,” it sighed.

“Expecting trouble, Shep?” Ismaeel asked lightly.

“Better safe than sorry,” I mumbled.

“N52, come in N52,” Commander Anderson said.

“Go ahead,” I said.

“Transferring command of N52 to Senior Recruit J. Shepard,” he said.  “Proceed to original rendez vous point.  Transmitting command codes now.”

“Are you kidding me?” I asked in astonishment.  “You want me to take command?”

“I beg your pardon?” Commander Anderson asked sounding shock.  I was breaking major protocol by talking like that over the radio.

“Understood sir,” I said smartly.

“Transmitting command codes,” Commander Anderson said.  “Good luck N52.  HQ out.”

“How long until extraction arrives?” Rico from Pod 2 asked.

“Um, it’s not coming,” I said.  “Command has been passed to me.”

“Command has been passed to you?” Cat asked incredulously.  “Why?”

“Probably because they’re starved of entertainment up there at Del Sol,” I said. 

“This is bullshit, why should you be given the chance to prove yourself?” Uvaneska asked furiously.

“Hey, Shepard didn’t ask for this,” Kaidan snapped.  “Best we can do is follow her lead.”

My omnitool vibrated and I opened the document which contained the command codes.  Yup, there it was, in plain old English (in case I was unable to understand the command codes): proceed to rendez vous at longitude and latitude, commanded by Cmdr D. Anderson.  Underneath that, it was written in code, commanded by 139853N7.

I had to read the code twice before it really sunk in.  Commander Anderson had been the one that had disabled the radiation sensors and sent the crew of the Hugo Grayson to its death.

..... 

We made it to the rendez vous point intact and in time, due in large part to Freddie’s recon skills.  I decided that its recon skills more than made up for its very annoying interface, and vowed to take Jason for a milkshake the next time I saw him.

I didn’t tell Kaidan that it was Commander Anderson who owned the code that had been causing havoc for the Alliance, mainly because I’d been afraid the others might overhear.  The moment we got back to Del Sol though, I told him to meet us in the empty room.

“Jane, I’m exhausted and I really want to nap,” he said.

“It’s an emergency, Kaidan,” I said.  “I’ll be there now.”

I ran to our dorm.  “Ash,” I gasped.

“Jane, you’re back,” she said.  “How did it go?”

“Fine, it was fine,” I panted.  “You need to come with me now.”

“Come where?” Ash asked.

“Just come,” I snapped.

She looked confused, but she followed me to the empty room.  “Hey Ash,” Kaidan said.  “Jane, what’s going on?”

I still had my omnitool on.  “Take a look at this,” I said, showing the document with the command codes.

“What are we looking at?” Kaidan asked.

“Look at the commander’s code, Kaidan,” Ash whispered.

"139853N7,” Kaidan read.  “Commander Anderson is the one that killed your families, the one that disabled the sensors last year?”

“Looks like,” I said grimly.  “We should take this to Greyling.”

“No, we shouldn’t,” Ash said.

“Ash, we have a matching code,” I said.  “Anderson was the one that did this.”

“Ja, and that’s all we have,” Ash said.

“Look, I know you like him, but you have to face the fact-,” I said.

“Jane, shut up and listen,” Ash snapped.  “It doesn’t make sense that it’s Anderson.  You heard him say how much he hates the war, and we all know what he did in the First Contact War.”

“Ash, words and actions in previous wars isn’t proof,” I said.

“Fine, you want proof?” Ash said angrily.  “How about the fact that a commander’s access code could probably not have gotten him into this room?  Or how about the fact that he was on Skyllia when the Pod 6 junior recruits were killed?  Or the fact that we sent the code to Admiral Greyling and he didn’t arrest Commander Anderson, meaning he knows something that we don’t?”

“Ash may be onto something there,” Kaidan said slowly.  “We never looked at the codes.”

“What codes?” I snapped.

“How could we not look at the codes?” Kaidan continued, ignoring me.

“Kaidan, what are you talking about?” I asked.

“Jane, we can’t report this,” Ash said.

“Ash is right,” Kaidan said.  “Don’t report this now.”

“We need to report this now, Anderson killed my family and betrayed the Alliance,” I almost shrieked.

“I’ve got to run,” Kaidan said.  “Don’t report this.  Meet me back here at eight.”  He kissed the top of my head.  “Don’t report this,” he repeated.

“But where are you going?” I asked, but he was already out the door.  “Where’s he going?” I asked Ash, who shrugged.

“Come on,” she said.  “Let’s go back to our dorm.”

..... 

The two hours to eight o’clock went by very slowly.  I was bone-tired from the three day trek across the desert, but try as I might, I could not nap.

At half past seven, Casey walked into the dorm.  “As you were,” he said.  “Shepard, Williams, with me now.”

We followed him out the pod and across to the administrative building.  “What’s going on, sir?” I asked nervously.

“You’ll see,” he said.

Admiral Greyling, Admiral Hackett and Admiral Kahoku were waiting for us in the Annexe.  “Shepard, Williams,” Admiral Greyling said crisply.  He seemed to be quite angry.  “We just caught Alenko in here.  He had connected this terminal up to the extranet and had somehow hacked into the Alliance server.”

I tried telling Ash with my eyes to let me do the talking.  “Oh?” I asked, trying to sound mildly curious.

“Yes,” Admiral Greyling said.  “He downloaded something onto his datapad, and had managed to scrub whatever sites he was on before we took him into custody.  You two are his closest friends.  Do you have any idea what he might have been up to?”

I kept my expression as bland as possible.  “I can’t think of anything, sir,” I said.  “Have you looked at whatever it was he downloaded onto his datapad?”

“It’s encrypted,” Admiral Kahoku said.  “Our technicians say it could take days to crack the code.  We need to know what Alenko was up to now.”

“Yes, Alenko is quite good at tech,” I said vaguely.  My heart was pounding, and my hands were sweating.  “Now that you mention it, sir, Alenko did seem somewhat obsessed with creating a virus, sir.”

“A virus,” Admiral Greyling, Admiral Hackett and Admiral Kahoku said together.  Ash tried to look as though this was not news to her.

“What kind of a virus, Shepard?” Admiral Hackett asked.

“I don’t actually know, sir,” I said.  “Just that he wanted it to be able to destroy any server in the galaxy.  You say the document he downloaded is coded?”

“Yes,” Admiral Greyling said.  “Our techs say they’ve never seen anything like it, that Alenko probably wrote the code himself.”

I hesitated.  “Sir, I may be able to help,” I said, trying to sound uncertain.  “I know Alenko, and I know some of the codes he has written.”

“Do you think you can crack this one?” Admiral Kahoku said, sounding incredulous.

“Can I see the code?” I asked.  Admiral Greyling handed me the datapad and I looked at the document.  It looked like gibberish, complete with funky squiggles, random numbers and upside down letters.

“Sure,” I said.  “It’ll take a couple of hours though.”

“How long?” Admiral Hackett asked.

“Let’s say until the rising siren tomorrow?” I suggested.  “I’ll work through the night.  Williams can help me.”

“Of course,” Admiral Greyling said.  “Bring it to me at 0430 hours tomorrow.”

I saluted, and Ash followed suit.  “Aye aye, sir,” I said.

He nodded.  “Dismissed,” he said.

..... 

Ash followed me outside.  “What the hell was that, Jane?” she hissed.

“Me buying us time,” I whispered.  “Sh now.  Come on.”

“Meanwhile, Kaidan’s in trouble,” Ash continued in a whisper.

“Hopefully whatever information is hidden on here will help us get him out of trouble again,” I said, leading the way to the empty room.

“Come on, Jane, I can’t break Kaidan’s codes and neither can you,” Ash said.

“Uh huh,” I said.  “That’s why we’re going to enlist the help of someone who can break them.”

Once in the empty room, I dialled a number on my omnitool.  It was thankfully not peak hour and I was fifth in the line in the com buoy.  Finally, I was put through.

“Lo?” my brother’s newly broken voice sounded.

“Jason?” I said.  “It’s Jane.”

“Shay,” he said.  “What’s up?”

“Not much,” I said.  “Listen, I need your help.”

“With what?” he asked.

“I can’t tell you,” I said.  “You’re going to have trust me.”

“Shay, what is this?” Jason asked.

“Trust me, kid, the less you know about this, the better,” I said.  “You could get into very serious trouble.”

There was a pause.  “What do you need?” Jason asked.

“I need you to break a code for me,” I said.  “It’s really complex.”

“Can you send it to me?” he asked.

“I don’t have extranet access,” I said.

“Ok, is it on an omnitool?” Jason asked.

“No, a datapad,” I said.

“Give me the serial number and I’ll hack in,” Jason said.

“You can do that?” I asked in alarm.

“If you’re smart and you know what you’re doing,” Jason said.  “Which I am.”

I read out the serial number.  “I’m in,” he said five seconds later.

“That was fast,” I said.

“Is it the document you have open?” Jason asked.

“Yeah, and anything else that he made changes to today,” I said.

Jason minimised the document, and scrolled through the other documents Kaidan had saved on his datapad.

“Here we are,” he said.  “Omnigel.”

He opened the document, which contained an even more complex string of code.

“Wow,” Jason whispered.

“Jase?” I asked.

“If I’m reading this right, it’s a hack code,” Jason said.  “A really complex hack code that, if tweaked, could hack into any code in the galaxy.  Whoever wrote this is a genius.”

“I’ll pass it along,” I said.

“I can use this to break the code in the document,” Jason said.  “Just a sec.”

He opened the coded document, opened a task ribbon and typed the code from the omnigel document into it.  It always amazed me how quickly Jason could type, given that he only had the full functionality of his left thumb.

“And, voila,” Jason said.  “The code is broken.”

The document now read in English.  “Thanks, Jason, you’re amazing,” I said. 

“I know,” he said unmodestly.  “Shay, whatever you’re up to, be careful.”

“I will be,” I said.  “See you soon.”

“Yeah,” he said.  “Bye.”

“Bye,” I said, hanging up.  “Ash, look at this.”

“All the access codes used to get into this room in the last six months,” Ash said.

“I think the term ‘code’ is more appropriate here,” I said.  “Admiral Greyling’s code is the only one that’s been used here.”

“What the hell is going on?” Ash asked.

“Ok,” I said slowly.  I began pacing up and down.  “Ok, so we have a military code belonging to Commander Anderson, and an access code belonging to Admiral Greyling.  What the hell does any of this mean?”

“I don’t know, Jane, but we need to get back to the pod before the admirals get suspicious.”

We went back to the pod and set ourselves up in the rec room.

“I can’t believe you told Admiral Greyling we’d pull an all-nighter the night before the dance,” Ash whispered in my ear.  “We need our beauty sleep.”

“Ash, given everything that’s going down right now, I think a dance is the least of our worries,” I mumbled.

“What are you going to do?” Ash whispered.

“I’m not sure yet,” I murmured.  I hoped that whoever was watching us on camera would think we were working on cracking the code.

I started by eliminating the times we had used to code to access the code.  “Dragon Age dude usually played at around midday,” Ash whispered.

“Come on, Ash, that doesn’t mean anything,” I whispered back.

“A person playing computer games from the twenty first century is unlikely to be plotting to overthrow the Alliance,” Ash whispered.

“If you say so,” I muttered.  I eliminated all the times from twelve o’clock to two o’clock in the afternoon.  This left only a handful of times left.

“Hang on,” I mumbled.  I dug into my BOL and pulled my own datapad out.

“What is it?” Ash whispered.

“Look,” I whispered.  I showed her the command codes that had been sent to the Hugo Grayson.  “The command came through on a Thursday at four thirty in the morning,” I whispered.

“So?” Ash whispered back.

“So, look here,” I whispered, showing her Kaidan’s datapad.  “The access code has often been used on Thursday at four thirty in the morning.  Look, skips three weeks, here three weeks.”

“Admiral Greyling, Brawne and Kahoku all teach at the navy, artillery and paratroopers academies too,” Ash whispered.  “That could be those three missing weeks.  Commander Anderson’s been on Skyllia when he hasn’t been here.  Maybe it’s one of them.”

“Yeah,” I murmured.  “Tomorrow’s Thursday, right?”

“Well, more like today,” Ash whispered.  “It’s ten past twelve.”

“Shit,” I mumbled.

“Jane, you can’t be seriously thinking that whoever it is will go in there today?” Ash whispered.

“Ash, the code has been for the past two Thursdays,” I said, quietly.  “I think the code’s going to be used again today.”

“Then we report it, and have the Alliance deal with it,” Ash hissed angrily.

“Report it to who, Ash?” I hissed back.  “All we have is two codes.  We have no idea who’s behind this, or even if it’s just one person.  We need to deal with this ourselves.”

“Jane,” Ash began.

“I can handle it myself,” I whispered.  “If something should happen to me, then I need you to take all we know to the press.  We can’t trust the military.”

“What do you plan on doing?” Ash whispered. 

“I’ll hide in the empty room, see if I can catch an image of him on my omnitool,” I whispered.  “Hopefully it’ll give me some idea of who we can trust.”

“Jane, you can’t,” Ash whispered.

“Ashley,” I said softly.

Time went quickly after that.  At half-past three I stretched and said very loudly, “I need a cigarette.  Can you continue without me for a bit?”

“Yes,” she said, grabbing my hand and squeezing it.  “Yes I can.”

..... 

I made one stop before going to the empty room.  It was ten minutes to four when I reached the empty room.  Inside, I emptied a box of its papers and climbed inside.

“Freddie?” I whispered.

“What is it?” it asked.

“Can you take vids?”

“I have been programmed with that capability, yes,” it answered.

“Ok, then I need to send you on a stealth mission,” I said.  “Hide yourself, and take a vid of the next person that comes in here.  Be careful though.  Whoever it is can’t know we’re here.”

“Whatever,” it sighed and disappeared out into the room.

I kept my eye on the clock on my omnitool.  It reached four o’clock, then went past.  At ten past four, when I thought that whoever it was wasn’t coming after all, I heard the door to the empty room open.  Someone walked very close by my box, and a few moments later I heard the start-up tune of the Dell computer.

Curiosity got the better of me, and I stuck my head out the box to catch a glimpse of the person at computer.

His back was turned to me, and for a moment all I could see was his silhouette.  Then his head turned, and I saw his profile.

It wasn’t Commander Anderson, or Commander McDougal.  It wasn’t even Admiral Kahoku or Admiral Hackett. 

It was Admiral Greyling.


	19. Chapter eighteen: July: Goodbyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter, where a few loose ends get tied up, but leave Jane with a lot more questions than answers.

At first I couldn’t believe my eyes.  The admiral for the marines would have been the last person I would have thought would be trying to overthrow the Alliance. 

I ducked back into the box, but my elbow bumped against the side.  I held my breath as I sensed Admiral Greyling stiffen.

“Who’s there?” he called softly.                                                            

I squeezed my eyes shut and prayed that he would think he had imagined it.  Footsteps crossed towards me.

“Stand up,” he ordered, his voice right above me.  I looked up.  He was pointing a pistol at the top of my head.  I thought it best to stand up.

“Shepard,” he said in astonishment.  “What are you doing here?”

I prayed for inspiration.  None came.  “Nothing, sir,” I said at last, my throat dry.

“I don’t believe you,” he said.  “Step out of the box.  Slowly.”  I stepped out of the box.  “On your knees,” he said.  I knelt down and put my hands behind my head.  “Who sent you, Shepard?”

“No one, sir,” I whispered.  “I didn’t even know anyone else used this room.”

“I don’t believe you, girl,” he said.  “Who sent you to spy on me?”

“No one, sir,” I repeated.  “Why would I spy on you?”

He hit me through the face with his pistol.  “Stop lying to me,” he shouted, his eyes popping.  “Who are you working for?  Is it Hackett?  That man’s always had it in for me.”

“No, sir,” I said.  “I don’t work for anyone.  I came here to get away from the compound.”

“What do you know then?” Admiral Greyling snapped.

“Know about what?” I asked.  I spat a mouthful of blood onto the floor.

“You really don’t know anything, do you?” he asked after a pause.

“No sir,” I said.

“Sit over there, Shepard,” he said, pointing at the patch of floor directly underneath the computer.

I moved there.  “Sit on your hands,” he said.  I did as he asked.

“You know, Shepard, it doesn’t matter who told you or who you’re working for,” he said conversationally.  “In five minutes the Alliance will be finished and you’ll be dead.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.  “What are you doing?”

“I’m not some movie villain who gives away his entire master plan, Shepard,” he laughed.  “Just know that whatever ideal you think you’re dying for, you’re doing it in vain.”

I had no idea what he was up to, but I knew I couldn’t let him finish typing whatever it was he was typing.  I decided to go for a gamble instead.

“I know it was you that killed the crew of the Hugo Greyson, the Jakarta, the Gandhi, the Lady Victoire and Hastings,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady.  “I know it was you that disabled the radioactive sensors last December week, and I’m pretty sure it was you that switched the ammo clips and the mortar shells in May.”

“How do you know that?” he snapped, pointing the gun at me.

I wondered if would be able to tackle him.  He was six foot tall and probably weighed well over two hundred pounds, but I would have the element of surprise.

“You think I’m not smart enough to have worked this out myself?” I asked.  If I got him around the knees, I’d be able to bring him down.  I shifted my weight.

He stepped back.  “Stand up, Shepard,” he said.  “Keep your hands above your head.”

I slowly stood up.

“I was going to do this once I’d finished, but you’re becoming a nuisance,” he said.  “I’ll finish with this later.”

“Freddie, get help,” I whispered under my breath.

“What’s that?” he snapped.

“I said I need help,” I said.

“Yes you do,” he answered.

At that moment the door swung open and he turned his head to look towards it.  I pulled the pistol from my pocket, loaded the chamber and released the safety.

“Drop it,” he said coolly.  He was pointing the gun at Ash. “Or your friend gets it.”

“Ash, what the fuck are you doing here,” I groaned.

“I’m serious, Shepard,” he said.

“I’m the one with the gun,” I snapped.

“You can’t shoot me, Shepard,” he sneered.  “You’ll chicken out.  Just like you chickened out at the marksmanship competition last year.”

My hands were trembling, and I knew he was right.  He pulled Ash in front of him and placed the barrel of his gun against her temple.  “Drop the gun, Shepard.”

“Anderson here,” a voice said in my earpiece, and I blessed Freddie with all my heart.

“I don’t understand,” Ash whispered.

“Admiral Greyling’s been the traitor all along,” I said.  “He put those ships out of action and kidnapped the crew.  He’s responsible for all the deaths here at the academy.  He says he’s going to end the Alliance.”

“Ken, is this some kind of fucking joke?” Commander Anderson asked.

“You have a gun pulled on Ashley Williams, my best friend, Admiral,” I said desperately, praying Commander Anderson wouldn’t hang up.  “You think I’m in your power.”

“Ken, if you’re drunk, I’m putting you on a charge,” Commander Anderson said impatiently.

“He used Commander Anderson’s military codes to send out all the commands,” I said in a rush.  Please don’t hang up.  Please don’t hang up.

“Very good, Shepard,” Admiral Greyling said.  “Now, I know you aren’t good at tech, either of you, so there’s no way for you to have worked this out yourself.  Who helped you?”  I didn’t say anything.  “Of course,” he sighed.  “Young Senior Recruit Alenko.  Well, no matter, I’ll deal with him after I’ve dealt with you.  The Alliance is bound to take my word over the word of a biotic with a flawed implant.”

“Where are you?” Commander Anderson whispered.

“Of course,” I said.  “And the fact that we’re here in an empty room means that no one need find out who killed us.  You can just dump our bodies in the desert, or claim it was the result of a tragic accident, a mistake in training.”

“You’re a clever girl,” Admiral Greyling said.  “Almost too clever.”

“Keep him talking,” Commander Anderson said.  “I’m on my way.”

“There’s one thing I really don’t understand though,” I said.  “You’re a war hero.  Why did you do this?”

He laughed loudly.  “My dear, there are some things so beyond your comprehension that to explain them to you would be a wasted effort,” he said.  “Let’s just say that, there are powers far above even me.”

“And what did you do with my family?” I asked.  “Their bodies were never recovered.  Where are they?”

“That’s not important,” Admiral Greyling said.  “Suffice it to say, you won’t be seeing them ever again, unless it’s in that heaven you believe in so fervently.  Now, drop the gun, Shepard.”  I hesitated.  “Drop the gun, or I’ll shoot Williams.”

“You’re going to kill us anyway,” I said.  “What difference does it make?”

“I said shoot, not kill,” Admiral Greyling said.  “You know how painful it is to get shot.”

“Jane, please put the gun down,” Ash whispered.

“Ash, it’s going to be ok,” I said.

“Hang in there, Shepard, I’m almost there,” Commander Anderson said.

It seemed strange to me that Admiral Greyling was unwilling to shoot Ash whilst I had a gun in my hand.  It was almost as if he was scared I would take the second it took for him to move his aim from Ash to me to shoot him.  I doubted very much I was capable of this, but I also knew I couldn’t let him send out whatever he had been typing up. 

“I’m going to count to three,” he said.  “If you don’t put down the gun, I will shoot her, then I will kill you.”

He wasn’t holding onto Ash either, just had one hand resting on her shoulder, so it wasn’t as if he’d go down if I followed protocol, unless…

“One,” he said.

Did I dare do it?  If I missed, he would surely kill us both, and then it would all be for nothing.  What if I did miss?  Then again, what if I hit him?

“Two,” he said.

I was trembling so hard that I wouldn’t be able to aim if I wanted to.  I sucked in a deep breath to calm myself.

“Thr-,” Admiral Greyling began, but he didn’t finish.

The gun went off twice in my hand.  Ash gave a loud scream and collapsed.  A split second later, Admiral Greyling crumpled behind her, a bullet between his eyes.

I chucked the gun as far away from me as I could.  As if it was mocking me, it went off again, the bullet ricocheting off the wall behind me.  My stomach lurched and I vomited into the box I had been hiding earlier.

“Shepard, what’s going on?” Commander Anderson shouted in my ear.

I ignored him.  “Ash, are you ok?” I asked instead.

“My leg,” she said.  “You shot me in the leg.”

I went over to her.  Her face was bloodless.  All of it seemed to be leaking out of the hole below her knee.

“Shepard, speak to me,” Commander Anderson yelled.  “Goddamnit.”

The door burst open, and Commander Anderson stepped through, rifle in hand.  He took in the scene, me kneeling next to Ash, her leg weeping blood, and finally Admiral Greyling lying dead on the ground behind her. 

“What the hell happened here?” he asked.

I was still trembling and my breathing was escalating.  “I-he he had a gun, and…and he was pointing it at Ash,” I said in a rush.  “He was a traitor, he killed all those people and it’s his fault that we’re fighting the batarians.  I shot Ash to get a clear shot, and then I shot him.  I shot him and now he’s dead.”

“Ok, Ken, you’re going to be ok,” Commander Anderson said.  “Go sit over there and take some of your medication.”  I got up and went to sit against the wall.  I took a puff of my asthma pump.

Commander Anderson knelt down beside Ash.  “How’re you doing, Williams?” he asked.  “Does it hurt?”

“Yes sir,” Ash murmured.                                 

“Good,” he said.  “Means that there’s no nerve damage.”  He got a water bottle out of his BOL and poured some over Ash’s leg.  “You’re lucky,” he said.  “It’s a flesh wound.  You’ll probably only need stitches.  How’re you doing there Ken?”

“Um,” I said.  “Did he have children, sir?”

“Ken, shut up and keep taking your medicine, there’s a good boy,” Commander Anderson said.  He tied a bandage around Ash’s leg.  “Williams, I need you to be able to walk to the med bay.  There are recruits all over the place out there and if you get carried, they’ll want to know why.  Do you think you can do that?”

“I think so,” Ash said.  “Give me a minute.”

“Take your time,” Commander Anderson said.  He came over to me.  “Ken, do you have it together or do I have to slap you?”

I took a deep breath.  “I’m ok,” I whispered.

“Good,” he said.  “You said Admiral Greyling was planning on overthrowing the Alliance.  Do you know what he was planning?”

I nodded.  “He was sending out a command when I interrupted him,” I whispered.  “It’s still on the computer.”

He nodded and went over to the computer.  “Goddamnit,” he murmured.

“What is it?” I asked.

“Never mind that,” Commander Anderson said.  “Williams, can you walk?”

Ash pulled herself upright.  “Ready and able, sir,” she said.

“Good girl,” Commander Anderson said.  “Ken, what about you?  Do you think you can make it across the academy without breaking down?”  I swallowed and nodded.  “Then let’s get out of here,” Commander Anderson said.

..... 

Commander Anderson was right, Ash merely needed stitches.  I however had a full-blown asthma attack in the med bay, and had to be given a shot of adrenaline as my pump wasn’t helping.  Whilst we were both getting our medical care, Commander Anderson disappeared outside, no doubt to explain to the Joint Military Council exactly why the special forces admiral had been killed. 

Kaidan appeared in the med bay as Dr Du Pre was finishing up on Ash’s leg.  “Thank god you two are alright,” he gasped.  “Anderson wouldn’t say what happened, just that I needed to come here as quickly as possible.”

I threw my arms around him and buried my face in my chest.  “I killed him,” I whispered.  “I killed Greyling.”

“Admiral Greyling?” Kaidan asked in astonishment.  “But…I don’t understand.  And why was Ash shot?”

“I’d like to know that too,” Commander Anderson said from the door.  “Are you nearly done, doctor?”

“Finished now,” Dr Du Pre said, putting a large Band-Aid on Ash’s leg.  “Let me just right a prescription for pain killers, I’ll be right out.”

“I’ve notified the Joint Military Council, and they’ve made contact with parliament,” Commander Anderson said in a low voice.  “They wanted to send someone out to debrief you, but I told them that it’d be better if I did it.”

“Why?” I asked, looking up.

“Trust me, Ken, you don’t want to be debriefed after your first kill by a bunch of sweaty strangers in suits,” Commander Anderson said.  He surveyed me for a moment.  “How do you feel?”

I tried to shrug nonchalantly.  “Alright,” I said.

“Don’t lie to me, boy,” he said tiredly.  I said nothing.

“Here we are,” Dr Du Pre said, reappearing.  “I have some myprodol here for you, Senior Recruit Williams.  Take it three times a day with some food.  If the stitches break or you start bleeding, you come back to me, you hear?”

“Yes sir,” Ash said.

“And no heavy dancing tonight,” he continued. 

I had forgotten.  Our graduation ball was happening in twelve hours.  For some reason I felt like laughing hysterically.

Dr Du Pre handed Ash a pair of crutches.  “Thank you for everything, doctor,” Commander Anderson said.  “Don’t bother writing a report yet.  I’ll be in touch.”

“Understood, sir,” Dr Du Pre said.

“You three, with me,” Commander Anderson barked at us.

We followed him out of the med bay.  The compound was unusually quiet.  All the female grunts were decorating the command centre for the dance, and everyone else was probably relaxing in their dorms.  We only ran into Kasuumi, who was carrying a large Alliance flag.

“Hey Shep, Kay, whoever you are,” she said carelessly.  “Commander.”

“Eric the half a frog,” Commander Anderson said.

“You guys weren’t at roll call,” Kasuumi said.  “Where were you?”

I cleared my throat.  “We, uh, had to do some stuff,” I said huskily.

“What kind of stuff?” Kasuumi asked.

“It’s classified,” I said.

“Oh, ok,” Kasuumi said.  She glanced at Ash.  “Hey, what happened to your leg?”

“I fell,” Ash said after a pause.

“That’s too bad,” Kasuumi said.  “I’ll see you guys at the dance.”

“Where are we going?” Kaidan asked when she was out of earshot.

“Back to the empty room,” Commander Anderson said.  “If ever a conversation needed to stay off the record, it’s now.”

Admiral Hackett was waiting for us in the empty room.  I was relieved to see that Admiral Greyling’s body had been cleared away and that the blood had been covered with a cloth.  “Sir, what are you doing here?” Commander Anderson asked in surprise.

“The Joint Council has asked me to be here as a representative for the Special Forces,” Admiral Hackett said.  “Don’t worry, you’re still debriefing Alenko, Shepard and Williams.  I’m just here to listen in.”

Commander Anderson nodded and turned to us.  “Sit down,” he invited, sitting on one of the boxes.  We followed suit.  “Would you like to tell me how this all came about?” he asked.

I explained, with the help of Ash and Kaidan, how we had come to read the official and unofficial reports, how I had worked out that we should use Jean’s datapad to access the command codes sent to the Hugo Grayson, how Kaidan had found out that the sensors had been turned off by the same commander that had sent out the command codes, that the maintenance drones had been reprogrammed to not notice that the sensors were offline and how I had worked out that the code belonged to Commander Anderson.  The only thing I omitted mentioning was how we came to look for the reports in the first place.  Enough people were in trouble as it was.

“You had no idea your code had been hacked?” Admiral Hackett asked.

“No, sir,” Commander Anderson said.  “No one at HQ picked up on it.  I guess Admiral Greyling was able to keep us from noticing.”

“Peter was always talented at tech,” Admiral Hackett mumbled.

Commander Anderson turned back to us.  “So you worked this out by breaking every single rule of the academy as well as a few vital Alliance laws,” he said.  “What happened tonight?”

I told of how I had snuck into the armoury and stolen the pistol, how I had used Kaidan’s omnigel code to break into the safe where the ammunition was housed, and how I had hidden in the empty room.

“Do you have any way of proving what happened in here?” Admiral Hackett interrupted.

“I recorded everything,” Freddie said.

“It’s my VI drone,” I said tiredly.  “It’s a pain.”

“You recorded everything, you say?” Admiral Hackett asked.

“Yes, Admiral,” Freddie said respectfully.

“Send it to my omnitool,” Admiral Hackett said.  “I’ll see that the video is destroyed.”

“Destroyed?” Kaidan asked incredulously.  “What do you mean destroyed?”

“I’ll leave you to finish off here, Anderson,” Admiral Hackett said, getting up.  “I have a next-of-kin to notify.  Shepard, you need to destroy your copy of the vid too.”

“Understood, sir,” Commander Anderson said.  I had never seen him so serious.  He waited until the door had shut behind Admiral Hackett before saying, “I want the three of you to listen to me very carefully and not interrupt.  There are certain things that happen in the Alliance that the rest of the galaxy should not hear about.  Things like those ships turning up in places where they shouldn’t with the crew missing, or sensors being turned off to kill an entire academy of students.”

“Or an admiral turning out to be the biggest traitor humanity has ever seen,” I said quietly.

“Exactly,” Commander Anderson said.  “Now, the prime minister has asked me to ask you never to speak of this again to anyone, be it among yourselves or those close to you.  Williams, you fell off of the climbing wall and hurt your leg, is that understood?”

“What if we don’t do this?” I asked, my hands trembling.

“What do you think, Ken?” Commander Anderson asked.  I lowered my gaze.  “Not only you though.  Whoever you speak to or whoever the Alliance think knows about this will also be killed.”

“But why?” Ash asked.  “Why do this?”

“Because if this kind of thing came out, it’d make the Alliance look bad,” Kaidan said bitterly.

“Not only that,” Commander Anderson said.  “We’re already in bad favour with the Citadel Council over this war.  If it comes out that it’s being fought on the basis of a lie, we’d lose all Council protection and funding.  And we can’t just surrender either.”

“Humans don’t surrender to aliens,” Ash said.

For a moment Commander Anderson looked old and tired.  “I know how hard this must be, but for your own sakes and for the sake of those you love, do this,” he said.

“Yes sir,” Ash said.  Kaidan nodded.

“Ken?” he asked.

I thought about my parents, my dead sister, my older brother.  I thought about Liam Canning, O’Neal, Admiral Brawne, little Brad Tobias, and all the others that had died.  I thought about Admiral Greyling, whose manner of death would never be known, not even by his own family, the same way I hadn’t been notified of how my family died.  Finally, I thought about Jason, my living brother.  If I would keep this lie for anyone, it would be for him, to keep him safe.

“I will,” I said, my throat dry.  It felt like I was betraying everything I believed in.

“Ok,” Commander Anderson said.  “Good.  Alenko, Williams, you’re probably both exhausted.  Get to bed.  Ken, I need to talk to you alone.”

“I’ll see you in the dorm,” Ash said quietly.  Kaidan touched my shoulder as he passed.

“Was that your first kill?” Commander Anderson asked.  I nodded.  “Different from the simulations, isn’t it?”  I nodded again.  “Ken, listen to me.  Despite what you think, the fact that you feel like this is a good thing.  It means you’re a healthy human being with a conscience.  Unfortunately, killing gets easier and easier over the years, and once you reach my age, it’s almost second nature.  And I hate to say it, but it seems that your killing days are far from over.”

I found my voice.  “Thanks sir,” I said coldly.

He smiled.  “There’s that sarcasm,” he said.  “Perhaps there’s hope for you yet.  You know, the only comfort for this stupid job, is the fact that we get paid a shit-load for it.  If you’re going to be a murderer, it might as well be for credits, right?”

“There’s got to be other reasons to be in the military, sir,” I said.

He looked at me for a long time.  “You really think so?” he asked.  “Let me know when you find these reasons, I’d like to know them.  It can’t be patriotism; you’ve seen for yourself how grand the Alliance really is.”  He dropped his gaze.  “I want you to do something for me, Shepard,” he said.  “I want you to remember how you felt after you killed Greyling, how you feel now.  I want you to remember it, and every time you kill someone, be it alien or human, I want you to feel what you feel now.”

I nodded.  “Sir yes sir,” I said quietly.

“Go to bed, Shepard,” he said.  “You have a party to attend tonight.”

I got up.  “Sir,” I said when I was almost at the door.

“What is it?” he asked.  He was sitting with his back to me, his head bowed.

“What was Admiral Greyling typing?”

He turned to me.  “He was about to order every single ship in the Skyllia region to go on an all-out assault on the batarians,” he said.  “Our entire fleet would have been decimated.  If you hadn’t stepped in, it would have been the end of the Alliance.”

“Why would he do this?” I asked.

“Because Ken, like he said, there are things in this galaxy that are far beyond our comprehension,” Commander Anderson said.

..... 

“Goddamnit Shep, you look amazing,” Kyle said in astonishment.

“Thanks,” I said ruefully, smoothing down my dark blue, floor-length dress.

It was strange, after so many months, to see everyone in their civvies.  It somehow made the dorm feel fuller, more crowded.

“I can’t believe that, after all this, I can’t wear heals,” Ash grumbled.  She was being forced to wear her formal shoes that went with her blues.  She still looked stunning in her tight-fighting red dress, although the image was somewhat marred by the crutches.

“That’ll teach you to go wall-climbing after lights-out,” Ismaeel grinned.  “Well, shall we go meet our dates?”

If I was being perfectly honest, the last thing I felt like was going to a dance and pretending that everything was fine.  It had been easier during the day, when I could pretend to be asleep, but Ash had woken me up four hours before the dance to start getting ready.

“If we’re going to act, we’re going to act in style,” she had said grimly.

Now I was on my way to meet my date, and see everyone else’s civilian dates waiting around.

“Who did you ask?” I asked Ash, realising the question had never come up.

“You’ll see,” she said mysteriously.

I spotted Kaidan waiting outside the administrative building.  He looked very dashing, and I was suddenly hit by a sudden attack of stage-fright.

“There’s my date,” Ash said, pointing at a figure in a wheelchair next to Kaidan.

It took me a while to recognise him.  “Jason?” I asked in astonishment.

“Shay,” he shouted.

I ran over as fast as my very high heels and long dress could allow me.  “Oh my God, I can’t believe it’s you,” I said.  “You’re all grown-up and handsome.”

“Shut up,” he mumbled.  I put my arms around him and he bumped his chin against the top of my head.

“Yeah, we planned this in December already,” Ash said.  “Of course, we weren’t anticipating more recent events.”

“Hey Ash,” Jason said.

“Jason and I were chatting whilst we were waiting for you,” Kaidan said.  “He was impressed with my omnigel hack.”

“It’s brilliant,” Jason said.  “You could make a fortune off of it.”

“That’s the idea,” Kaidan said.  “Shall we?”

..... 

Three hours later I found myself sitting out on the veranda, a gin and tonic in hand.  The night was surprisingly clear, the sky sort of purplish instead of dark red. 

“Hey,” a voice said from behind me.  It was Kaidan.  He sat down next to me.

“Hey,” I said.

“How’re you feeling?” he asked.

“Ok,” I said.  “I mean, I think I’ll be ok.”

“Here’s your omnitool back,” he said.  “Everything about last night’s been scrubbed.  I put your datapad back where it belonged too.”

I nodded.  “Thanks,” I said, strapping the omnitool back on my wrist.

“Did I mention yet how beautiful you look tonight?” he asked.

“No, not yet,” I said.  We were both quiet for a moment.  “I’m scared of next year Kaidan,” I said at last.

“What are you scared of?” he asked.

“Well, everything,” I said.  “We’re going into war, and I’m not sure I’m ready for that.  We’ll have to say goodbye, and I’m definitely not ready for that.”

“Jane,” he said.  “Next year’s going to be whatever it’s going to be.  The right thing for us will happen, I promise.”

“Kay,” Jason said from behind us.  “Ash wants to dance, and I’m not ready to pull my moves out yet.”

“Right,” Kaidan said.  “I’ll see you two later.”

“So,” Jason said once Kaidan had left.  “In love are we?”

I shrugged.  “Who knows,” I said.  “How’ve you been, Jase?”

“Oh, you know,” he said.  “Living in an orphanage.  Dreaming of the future where I’m free to be who I want to be. The usual.  Do you want to tell me what the hell last night was about?”

“I can’t,” I said quietly.  “I’m sorry Jason, you have to trust me on this.”

He nodded.  “Fucking Alliance,” he said.

“Shut up, Jason, you can’t say that,” I hissed worriedly.

“Don’t worry, Shay, they won’t kill me, I’m just a poor crippled orphan,” he said.  “I’m heading back to Sur’Kesh next year,” he said.  “My sponsor wants me to study programming there.”

“Will you tell me who this mysterious benefactor is?” I asked.

“Fen Dranne,” Jason said.

I spat my mouthful of gin and tonic out.  “As in father of Kasuumi, rich drell Fen Dranne?” I asked.

Jason nodded.  “He is working for the Alliance now,” he pointed out.

“If you say so,” I mumbled.  “I’m glad you came, Jason.”

“Yeah,” he said.  “Me too.”

..... 

Admiral Greyling’s death was announced at the final assembly the next morning.  Apparently he had died of a heart-attack, brought on by prolonged stress.  He left behind a wife and two children, a son and a daughter.  I wondered if they would ever learn the truth.  Probably not.  The less loopholes the better.

Cat and I both got medals for marksmanship, and I got an additional one for combat tactics.  Kaidan got medals for combat and for tech, and Ismaeel got a medal for recon.  I came top of the pod and the year, narrowly beating both Kaidan and Cat.

At the end of the assembly we were called to the front of the hall to get our N designations and dog tags, and to swear our oath to the Alliance.  Kaidan, Ismaeel, Pierre, Zac and Cat all got N3 designations.  Zac looked as though he was being led to the hangman’s noose when he went to the front of the hall, and I couldn’t help but wonder what would happen to him in the following year.  Ash and Mikhail got N2 designations.  I was convinced that it was Ash’s last name that had gotten her such a low designation, as her exam results were far better than Zac’s.  Kyle and Suang both got N1 (I think Kyle may have burst into tears over the news afterwards).  Bridget and I received N4 designations, meaning that we would both be serving planetside in a few short weeks.  As Commander Anderson had predicted, Sven did not get a designation.  I don’t remember saying the oath, although I’m sure I did.

We did the war cry and were dismissed.  The shuttles were waiting for us when we got outside.  “Well, I guess this is it,” Suang said. 

“I guess so,” Mikhail said.

“Well, I just want to say that it’s been an honour training with you all,” Ismaeel said.

“Oh, come on Khan,” Pierre scoffed.

“No seriously,” Ismaeel said.  “We achieved a lot here these past two years.”

“Yeah,” I said.  “We sure did.”

“So, I just want to wish you all the best for the future, and even though you don’t believe in Him, may Allah guide your steps,” Ismaeel said.

“That’s enough, Khan, unless you want to feel my boot up your arse,” Commander Anderson said, appearing behind Kaidan.  “Ken, a word.”

I followed him away from the crowd.  “Here,” he said, handing me a box.  “I figured if you want to go around shooting other people, you might as well do it on your money.”

I opened my box.  Inside lay my father’s Spider9 pistol.  “Thank you sir,” I said.

“Yeah yeah, get out of here boy,” he said.  “There’s a whole galaxy out there.”

I saluted.  “Good luck sir,” I said.

“And you boy,” he said, returning my salute.

Geoffrey and Padme had loaded my bags onto the Cape Town shuttle when I got back.  “Good work,” I said, smiling at them. 

They both saluted.  “Thank you ma’am,” Padme said.  “Stay safe out there.”

I returned their salute.  “Dismissed,” I said and they scampered off.

I took one last glance around the place that had been my own personal hell for two years, and then climbed into the shuttle, closing the door behind me.


End file.
